Fairytale vs. Reality

"If this was a fairytale we would get married and we'd move to *undisclosed location* by the end of the month." This is what I was told when I admitted to my ex that I was still 100% completely in love with him and that for what it was worth I wanted him to know before he moved. "But we live in reality" is what came next. I wasn't sure what I was expecting. I actually didn't expect anything. In fact the response I got was surprisingly more positive then I expected. He stated that the best case scenario is we run off and get married and the worst case scenario is he makes fun of me for even feeling that way and us just being friends was somewhere in the middle. He said he felt we were between the upper 1/3 of fairytale ending and just being friends.

Somehow this made my heart soar! I'm even more twitterpated. I can see him being the same. He gives sweet tender looks; he's even more touchy, when he walks by giving me a soft touch on my shoulder or my back and keeps his hand there a little longer then normal.

The problem is ... this is reality. He will be moving at the end of the month. There is no chance for the fairytale ending. Neither of us feels ready for marriage. So we just wait and see. We wait to see how things unfold when he moves. They may not unfold at all.

Sleep Walking?

I'm still not sure what or how it happened. I woke up this morning extremely exhausted. It was still dark, it's always dark when I get up and get ready. For some reason this morning I was seriously having a hard time standing. I just wanted to crawl back into bed. I noticed that the big hand was almost past the point of being late and I always try to be ready by the time the big hand is on the 9. I am almost done. I go into my room and go to grab my glasses and other stuff like my cell phone and I noticed the clock said 12:35am! What the....!?! I look at my cell phone. It says the same thing. Holy cow! This can't be right! How in the world did I wake up. I set my alarm for 4:45am! I pressed snooze and everything. Or did I? I started to doubt myself. I started to get creeped out. I started to worry what the hell was I thinking! I have 6 hours before I have to leave for work! I sat at the edge of my bed for a few minutes trying with everything in me to figure out what the heck happened. I gave up. Took off my clothes and tried to go back to sleep without messing up my hair and makeup too bad.

So here I am at work. Tired, zoned and wanting my bed. As much as I'm embarrassed this has happened I've been telling everyone. And some have asked if I'm under a lot of stress or anxious about something. Well last night I got into an argument with my sister. She is still holding onto hope for reconciliation for a husband that according to the bible is NO LONGER her husband. But she is still holding onto hope that some day he will realize the error of his ways and want her back. This thought sickens me. Why would *she* want him back!? And not only that, why is she sitting there hoping he'll want *her* back!? I argued because she was telling me she wasn't holding on and that she was letting go. I told her flat out not to lie to me. Maybe she's just trying to convince herself. But it bugs me that I can hear her lying and she thinks I'm dumb enough to believe it. I love my sister. I want her to be happy. I don't want her to be with her husband. He doesn't love her and he won't make her happy. He hasn't seen the error of his ways. In fact he is now only coming around because his girlfriend got sick of his lies and is now moving away. How convenient that he's now suddenly saying "I'm starting to see..... " Bullshit! Starting to see... He should have seen immediately and came crawling back on his knees. Why would he try to pursue my sister? She's already his. And he knows it! I'm saddened by all of this.

I don't mean to make my sister cry. I want to be a support but sometimes I can't handle her viewpoints. I apologized and she's ok with me now. But I'm just sick that she even still cares for him as much as she does. She even is angry herself that she still loves him and wants it to work. But she seems to think that's God giving her an extra dose of love. As far as I can see it's desperation and not God. I could be wrong but a lot has happened. She's even walked in on him and the girl. That made her angry for 2 days. To the point of a divorce. Now she's back to just a legal separation and with how she talks sometimes I question whether or not she's even going to go through with that! The paperwork is in. I pray that it will be completed soon. She tries to be indifferent. I can see that. But then she allows herself to be put into positions where things will happen. I know that feeling. I did/do it with my ex all the time. If I wouldn't mind "slipping up", I stay at his house longer then everyone else. He's the one that has to be strong and hold out otherwise things usually just happen. But I put myself there. If I didn't really want it to happen, I wouldn't stay, I would leave. I at least know this about myself. I don't believe my sister sees this in her situation yet. But even if she does, is she willing to change it? She's already making thanksgiving dinner plans with him and the kids... WHY!? I have no clue.

Anyways, there is so much more but I'm at work and need to get busy.

Clandestine: Kept or Done in Secret

I was so proud of the title picked out for my blog. It was the perfect describing word for what I was going to use it for. But something happened last night that irked me! It's so sad that someone that I don't like very much, using a word I appreciate and means so much to me, makes me not want to use the word. It's a great word. But the context of which she used it was really... REALLY annoying. Needless to say, I have gotten over it enough to continue using the word and moving forward. I did feel the need to share it on this blog specifically.

My ex is meeting with his ex Wednesday evening. She is the one who used the word "clandestine" for their meeting which bothered me greatly. My ex is only meeting her so that he can set things straight for the sake of his friend/her brother and have her understand that there is no possible way they could get back together... Now that he and I are not together anymore I believe deep down inside she felt I was the only reason he broke up with her.... I know better but she's been holding onto this hope I believe since the moment I became his girlfriend. Her family had it in their head that I was this whore who seduced him away from her. Until I sat down and explained it to her brother who happens to be a good friend of mine too. I answered a lot of his questions and he realized in the end that they have been basing how they view me on incorrect information. The sad thing is I don’t believe his sister, my ex’s ex, really ever accepted that. I believe because of the abrupt end to their relationship she still feels I was at fault. Anyways, it will be interesting to see what happens with Wednesday and their “clandestine” meeting which isn’t so clandestine since I know about it. ;)

Anyways, onto other updates. My brother-in-law has left my sister, told the kids he no longer loves her and is in love with another woman. My sister is planning on filing for legal separation. And to be honest... that's enough about that. I'm so tired of dealing with it anymore.

My brother officially has a girlfriend. I’ve met her and she’s sweet and adores him which I think is good for him.

My ex and I have gone back and forth with physical affection. We again came to the conclusion that sleeping together is probably not the wisest thing if we’re trying to move on. So we’ve been good for a few weeks now. ;) I’m determined to stay away. The pathetic thing is I read back through this blog and my goodness we have failed plenty of times at staying away from each other for sex. But hey, we try at least. So my goal is to not sleep with him. Whether I’ve failed numerous times I need to keep that goal in my head. I don’t want to just say, “Oh why try, I can never seem to stop myself anyways.” We haven’t been alone in a private place yet, so that’s probably a good thing.

Well I should get busy with work, though it seems that everyone in the office is having a bad day. I want steer clear of everyone!

Sometimes I feel I'm holding onto something I can't have...

My ex... He and I broke up over a year ago because of my spiritual beliefs. He was not capable then (and now) of being a spiritual leader. I have always desired a man that had the same faith if not more faith then I, who can encourage me to be devoted to God above himself. Well my ex and I broke up because we both knew that's what I wanted and he wasn't going to be that man. A year later and often slipping back into a sexual relationship with each other I find myself wanting him more then ever. Then with everything my brother-in-law has done I have found myself doubting what is considered a "spiritual leader". How can I say, "this man is a godly man and this one is not" when I have a brother-in-law whom I respected and looked up to for his spiritual leadership in my sisters home who has gone off the deep end and went off and had an affair? It has thrown my whole ideal out the window and has made me doubt that I made the right decision in leaving my ex. Mostly because after a year I still have just as strong of feelings for him as the day before I left him. Nothing has changed as far as where he is with God, though he goes to church and is committed to it.

So I talked to my parents about it. They actually understood where I was coming from and were just as confused. They see how my ex still treats me, which is VERY good, and they just don’t know themselves anymore. I started looking towards possibly getting back together with my ex. I spoke with him a week ago about “us” and he is still in the same frame of mind. “Nothing has changed between us, so why would it work this time?” I, of course, felt everything changed, considering that my whole ideal I now doubt as being possible and that any man could be the one God intended for you. But we’re on the same path, loving one another, wanting one another and not being able to go further with one another.

This week has been a hard one for me. I have found myself resenting the fact that I’m in love with a man that I can’t have. I resent the fact that he’s not willing to give it another try. And to make it worse, I respect him for standing up under my confusion because he understands my life is in turmoil and I’m not in any frame of mind to make this kind of decision. I resent the fact that I am not able to control these feelings and keep them to myself as my ex does. I am a girl, he is a guy. I understand that is a key factor.

We spoke again this morning and I finally came to grips with the fact that I know he loves me, I know he wants me, I know he needs me and this is just as hard on hime as it is me. He is frustrated he can’t get over me. I am frustrated I can’t get over him. This is why I question whether we’re even *supposed* to get over one another. If it’s been this long and neither of us can let go, are we really supposed to be fighting these feelings? Well until my turmoil stops I don’t know that I can make an educated decision. Right now it would be based solely on my emotions. I would hate for a decision to be made and then another year down the road I realize that the spiritual leader is still an issue.

So here I go, spending the weekend with my ex… Wondering if we’ll have sex… Wondering if he’ll even want to… Wondering if I will be ok if he is the strong one and says it would not be a good idea… Wondering if I should have more self respect not to have sex or hold it against him for being strong… I guess I will find out.

Barely Staying Afloat

There are so many things going on in my life right now that I am surprised I'm as sane as I am! I feel myself barely staying above it all. Sometimes I get overwhelmed and it overtakes me. I am on the edge.

With everything happening to my sister, my church, my love life, and a few other little things I realize that it can only be by the grace of God that I'm not off the deep end. He has to be giving me an unnatural strength to bear up under it all. I get nervous at times that I might just snap. My whole family is just barely hanging on.

My brother-in-law is a jerk. He has broken off his affair but has seemed to take on the roll of 'asshole'. He shows my sister NO respect and the worst part is my sister can't seem to fight it. She feels like she deserves it somehow. Or that just showing him love will win him back to her. She has told me at one point that she wants her husband to look back at this moment and say "you were the ONLY one that had faith in me, when everyone else thought I was a lost cause, I love you." But the thing is... I can understand her viewpoint. The problem though is that he's not being like that. If anything he's defiant about it all. Expecting my sister to cater to him and his needs! Instead of being humbled and pursuing her. He doesn't seem broken at all about it. He seems self righteous.

He has said that her fault in the marriage problems was a slow killing cancer and all he has done is amputated a limb (speaking through medical analogies). My question is... Which is worse? A slow killing cancer you can prepare for or the immediate removal of a limb you were so dependent on? And that limb being amputated with a dull knife at that! He says this is not justification for his actions but as far as I can tell it's all about justifying his actions! My sister so desperately wants her marriage restored. In some respects, at the cost of her own happiness. I think she feels its best for the kids.

Right now I'm afraid for her. I'm afraid that her husband will never respect her again. I just don't understand how a man I used to look up to could turn so evil in a matter of months! That someone I said "I hope to find a man like that" about, could be someone I could never respect again. It just doesn't make sense. Men have had affairs... When they chose their wife they usually come back humbled and humiliated. But my brother-in-law seems so cruel and evil. It's a night and day difference in personality. I sometimes wonder if he's truly broken it off with "the Other Woman"... Or if he's on some kind of drugs...

I pray that God will open her eyes or his, whichever it takes, though I'm less likely to hope for his return to the right path then her to turn away from him. But God would pray for both so I try. The hatred I feel for him is intense. And yet it's almost like he's dead to me.

My sister is visiting relatives in another state so he can get his head on straight. But in that time he has bombarded her with calls so much that she has told him no more and that he can call the kids to say goodnight but that's it... He has also called and said that he missed the kids and to send them home and worse yet he added... if you were submissive to me you would send them! What an @$$#*(%!!!!! These are the kinds of comments that make me think he is evil and has turned to the dark side. This is not the man I thought he was. Of course my sister said no way to sending her two children back home to him on a plane unattended accept by flight attendent! Either way these are the things I have been struggling to just let go. To just realize I can't change ANY of it! I have to let God do His work. Whether that means restoration of their marriage (please God no!), or my sister goes through a divorce.

I have to wait and love my sister unconditionally even when I'm starting to lose respect for her lack of courage and standing up for herself. I was in an abusive relationship a few years back and my family begged me to leave him and I couldn't. Some reason I didn't think I could live without him. No matter what they said to me I never left him. Then one day, whether all their comments finally sunk in or God just changed my heart, I felt like a lightbulb went on in my head and I walked away and never looked back! I never regretted leaving him. I was grateful I had. It took me 2 1/2 years to walk away. All the while my family begging me to leave him. I wasn't married with two kids either... So how would that change things? Would it make it easier to not think of myself but my children and the absolute disrespect for the marriage vows? Or would it make it harder? I'm inclined to think it would make it harder... So does this mean I have to be willing to hear all these horrible, evil things he does to her for 2 1/2 years!?! I am unsure. I remember there were good times in my abusive relationship. So far I haven't seen much good come from my brother-in-law since this has all come about.

Well this is just one of the many things I've been forced to face on a daily basis. I think I will leave it at this... I will explain the church and my love life in the next post.

An Affair ...

My brother-in-law is having an affair!

It's hard to focus. We had our fears because he was acting so strange but he denied it being another woman until the proof was brought to the forefront. I have no respect for him anymore. I am sick to my stomach with just an ache for my sister and what she must be going through. I want to string him up by his balls because he's not a real man, a real man wouldn't cheat on his wife of 10 years! It's hard to believe that this is happening to my family.

It feels like it must be a movie. He hasn't even made a decision to leave "the other woman" yet! My sister needs to drop him like a bad habit. She needs to leave him out on his butt. I can't even look at him. I don't know that I even want the restoration of this marriage. How can she ever touch him again!? How can I ever look at him again?! It makes me sick. He makes me sick.

The worst part is, even after the truth has been brought out, he is having a hard time letting go of a woman who is single, has a kid, is not a christian, yet he can tell my sister that he has every right to divorce her because she deceived him, she said she would try to be the Proverbs 31 woman and she's not! What a jerk! How dare he talk about virtue and deception when all along he has been doing it!

This has gone on a while. Even to the point of him wanting to marry "the other woman"! My poor neice and nephew. To have a father like that. And to think he even go them involved... He took them to the beach, wouldn't let my sister go because he "just wanted to spend time with *his* kids" without her! And to find out it was just because he wanted his kids to meet "the other woman" and spend time with her kid! And even worse, if that wasn't low enough... He tells his kids "don't tell mommy, she's really depressed and this would make her more sad". What an @$$#@!%! I'm refraining from saying all the horrible profanities I want to say.

This has just been told to me on Sunday. I don't know how to go on. I don't know how I'll ever be able to respect him again! My sister wants the marriage to work. She wants restoration. Don't ask me why! Well ok I know why... But he has no remorse for his actions! He is still defensive! He is not humbled at all! He needs to get to the point where he realizes that my sister was the best thing he ever had and that he will have to kiss her feet for the rest of her life because she was willing to put up with him after ALL THIS! But no, I think he still doesn't love her the way she deserves. I want her to kick him out. I want him to feel low! I want him to get to the pit of nothingness and realize what an ass he was to do that to my sister! I want him to come crawling back. If he's not on his hands and knees then she shouldn't accept him into her home.

I'm sad.

Getting back to the grind

So I'm back to the grind. I went to the gym tonight. It felt great. I can tell I'm more out of shape then ever and REALLY need to start getting back to doing it for myself. Today at work I had a rough day. Earlier I mentioned my anger problem. Well when you ask God to work on something, He brings things in your path to help you work through it, He doesn't just bring you out of it (well most of the time anyways hehe). So I've found I've been more aware of my anger. I have never gotten to the point of hitting anything since I hit the garage door a week or so ago. But I've wanted to, and I've held back, which is a step up but still. I'm off the subject. Today I was angry, I could feel it whelling up inside of me and so I decided to go for a walk. When I got back my entire attitude changed. I was more relaxed and happy! Then I remembered how going to the gym was a great release when I was getting over another ex. Since I'm struggling with letting a new one go, maybe this is a step in the right direction eh?! I think so. So I did cardio only. I feel great!

Lets see... God has been doing a lot of talking to me as of late. Or at least I'm finally opening up my ears to listen. It feels good to be taking some good steps in the right direction. I'm always afraid to be too happy because something always pulls me away. But this time it's different. I'm doing it for myself. Not to be a better person for anyone other then myself and God. To like the person I look at in the mirror. Yeah I have never liked the body in the reflection but I have been happy with the person looking back, but lately that hasn't been the case. Lately I'm repulsed by my appearance. But I can feel a change. Another chapter in my life is about to begin.

Well I need to stretch....

Who I am Hates Who I've Been

---------------------------------------------------
I watched the proverbial sunrise
coming up over the Pacific and
you might think I'm losing my mind,
but I will shy away from the specifics...

'cause I don't want you to know where I am
'cause then you'll see my heart
in the saddest state it's ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.

[Pre-Chorus]
Stop right there. That's exactly where I lost it.
See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.
Stop right there. Well I never should have said
that it's the very moment that
I wish that I could take back.

[Chorus]
I'm sorry for the person I became.
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to try and never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.

I talk to absolutely no one.
Couldn't keep to myself enough.
And the things bottled inside have finally begun
to create so much pressure that I’ll soon blow up.

I heard the reverberating footsteps
sinking up to the beating of my heart,
and I was positive that unless I got myself together,
I would watch me fall apart.

And I can’t let that happen again
‘cause then you’ll see my heart
in the saddest state it’s ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.

[Pre-Chorus x2]
[Chorus]

Who I am hates who I've been
and who I am won’t take the second chance you gave me.
Who I am hates who I’ve been
‘cause who I’ve been only ever made me...

So sorry for the person I became.
So sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I’m ready to try and never become that way again
‘cause who I am hates who I’ve been.
Who I am hates who I’ve been.

---------------------------------------------------

I heard this song on the way home today. It really hit me hard. I did exactly what I hoped last night. I had sex and woke up in the arms of the man I'm in love with. Yet I hate who I've become. I hate the person I became. Yet deep down I don't seem to

take the second chance you gave me.

It's all because

See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.

I crossed a line I don't feel I can ever go back to. I had sex. That's the line. That moment I crossed the line. That was the point of no return. I can never give that to my future husband. I look down on myself. I am ashamed. I wish I was there. I wish I was ready to say

I'm sorry for the person I became.
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to try and never become that way again

I want to be there. I don't feel ready to try and never become that way again because I'm still 'that way'. Though deep down I want to with all my heart. I guess the words say... I'm ready to try... Not I'm ready to never be that way again. The point is the heart needs to be ready to try. My heart is ready to try Lord. Forgive me for holding onto my sexual sin. Help me never become that way again.

This is where I hope to be tomorrow morning...

Crying Headache

So I have a headache. A pressure filled pain in my skull that just won't go away. Last night I lost my temper. I was having an argument with my ex and it was ended abruptly. The way that I can't stand an argument to end, unfinished, still heated, interupted, left staring at my phone wanting to throw it across the room because he felt his 'company' was more important than taking a moment to go into the other room and make sure it ended with both of us being ok. Well I of course lost it. I was angry. I bawled my eyes out. I screamed. I hit the garage door with my fist (which incidentally I bruised one of my nuckles).

I'm really struggling with my anger the last couple weeks. My dad and I had a blowout and I actually lost my anger for the first time to the point of hitting something. It was the first and worst time. I hit my arms on my chair and caused bruises on my wrists. I felt so foolish.

So last night I hit the garage door and realized I was at that point again. I stopped, I cried, I bawled, I screamed, I cussed, I finally sat slumped onto the end of the bed and called my mom. I explained the situation. She was as sweet as could be. Understanding, supportive, encouraging, uplifting, sympathetic, everything I needed to calm down and not feel so out of control. I was hurt. I was really hurt by my ex. My mom helped me realize that yes, I was right, and yes he was right, and yes men are stupid, and yes it's always best to end an arguement on the positive side, and no he's not the man for me, and that I will find love again. She is an amazing woman.

So today I had my coffee, I had 4 ibuprofins, and yet still my head feels like someone is pushing in my temples. I hope it goes away. I am so not in the mood to be at work. I have found every excuse to get involved in conversations and well update my blogs, etc. Thank God it's friday, and better yet... thank God its PAYDAY friday!

Oh and of course my ex and I did end up finishing our argument later last night and of course I was no where NEAR out of control like I was and of course we're totally ok today and of course life goes on as usual. I blame it (my behavior) on my period emotions and well a rising anger problem that is starting to cause me concern. I may need to seek some help for it.

Well I should attempt to get some work done today...

Dreams

So I woke up this morning feeling like I had been worked the night before... I had a sex dream last night. I remember having sex with an old friend from my goth days. In the dream I remember thinking to myself, why am I having sex with him!? He's a slut! Why am I here? Wait he's not wearing a condom! I have no idea where that thing has been! I freaked. Then told him to put on a condom at least. He asked why I didn't even go into an explanation. I remember helping him put on a flourecent pink condom. I remember feeling like I was cheating on my ex. I remember not enjoying it at all. It was so vivid. And still, it makes me sick just thinking about it.

Well I couldn't wait ...

Well I couldn't wait so I went ahead and took a pregnancy test yesterday... It's confirmed...



Phew! Now I can go about my life.

Pregnancy Scares ... Annoying

So I'm trying to calculate when my last period was because I don't remember, so now I'm playing the guessing game... Am I pregnant? I usually freak a week too soon and when I am about ready to make a trip to the drugstore I start my period. I've found that I'm usually a week later then the month before... But not knowing when that was last month makes this more difficult. It doesn't help that he asked a couple weeks ago, "aren't you supposed to be on your period?" So does he remember better then me. I had thought he was two weeks too soon... But now I'm not so sure. And since I usually freak a week too soon, freaking started 3 days ago, I'm going to wait until early next week to go buy myself a pregnancy test. Ugh!

And how the brain circles around the possibilities of actually being pregnant! And how ironic that Monday we sat down and decided to stop our sexscapades prior to his move. We both agreed (I, rather reluctantly), that it would be best to work out the emotional separation when we had each other to help the process be less painful. One day it might be as simple as a hug, or a smile that gets us through the concept of not being able to be physically intimate... Things we couldn't see or do if we waited until his moving to end our physical intimacy. I think it's wise.

But going back to the original concept of this post... What if!? What if I'm pregnant? Would I tell him before he moved? Could I keep it from him? Would I want to? Would he move? Would I be ok if he did? Would I move? I mean this is a horrible possibility. Not that I wouldn't mind having a baby... But out of wedlock?! My parents would be so ashamed! :( They would be dissapointed in me... I would be dissapointed in me... I would be ashamed! Yet with all the other pregnancy scares I went through the same emotions... Did it stop me from continuing to have sex? Absolutely not! :( Ah well... I guess I just have to wait my week and I'll probably start my period. Breath a sigh of relief. And go about my life.

Another Day, Er... Another Month

So it's been a while. Time has not allowed any updates. I enjoy the security of blogging anonymously. I miss it. I've taken to writing in an actual journal though. It has been a nice release. I'm amazed at what has happened in the last month.

I have been extremely selfish with my last possible months with my ex. We are basically dating again. I know it will have to eventually end so I am using his moving out-of-state as the cut-off date. Which he has yet to make a decision to move! Which brings me to what if he decides not to move? I am still in love with him. We've been sleeping together on the weekends as of late... We have even worked it out for us to spend the night together. Once my brother found out only because he chose to sleep at my place instead of drive back to his house late one night. Yet I have thrown myself into this but I'm noticing lately (in the last week or so) that he has been more reserved. I think he is having stronger feelings for me and wants to keep his distance. I have no clue what's going to happen if and when he moves. I feel foolish but am too selfish to think any more about it then what I've already discussed. Yet I've noticed (in the last week or so) I've become dependent on him. Which sucks! I need to keep my distance now. But it's hard.

Well I can't update more then that... bye for now...

Alanis Morissette - You Oughta Know

Below is the lyrics to an alanis morrissette song that keeps me thinking about my recent ex's last girlfriend. The one prior to me. I wonder if this song portrays anything of how she felt.

ALANIS MORISSETTE LYRICS

"You Oughta Know"

I want you to know, that I'm happy for you
I wish nothing but the best for you both
An older version of me
Is she perverted like me
Would she go down on you in a theatre
Does she speak eloquently
And would she have your baby
I'm sure she'd make a really excellent mother

Cause the love that you gave that we made wasn't able
To make it enough for you to be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you'd hold me
Until you died, till you died
But you're still alive

And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

You seem very well, things look peaceful
I'm not quite as well, I thought you should know
Did you forget about me Mr. Duplicity
I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner
It was a slap in the face how quickly I was replaced
Are you thinking of me when you fuck her

Cause the love that you gave that we made wasn't able
To make it enough for you to be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you'd hold me
Until you died, til you died
But you're still alive

And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

Cause the joke that you laid on the bed that was me
And I'm not gonna fade
As soon as you close your eyes and you know it
And every time I scratch my nails down someone else's back
I hope you feel it...well can you feel it

And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

I guess I always wonder if she blames me or him for cheating on her. In a way we both cheated her. When I first met him, he and her were on the path of marriage, according to his best friend. Though he tells me that he was delaying it as long as he could because he knew something wasn't right... But the lines in this song always bring her to the forefront of my mind.

And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you'd hold me
Until you died, till you died

Did this run through her mind? If they were on the path of marriage this would probably be something he did tell her. I'm sure she looks at me as what ruined her future with him.

Well this is a thought that should have been posted a while ago 7/7/05...

Thoughts...

As I drove home with my brother back up the treacherous drive known as "the hill" I found myself pondering a lot of things. His and my favorite pastime together is listening to music while taking a long drive. This evening though he was particularly annoying with his constant change in musical desires. He has a new iPod which I think leaves him with too many options. hehe

During one of the rare stretches of solid music, I was thinking about his new long distance relationship. He is flying her out for the 4th of July. This of course is *TOP SECRET* in the family because he absolutely HATES questions. He is 33 years old and it's not like he's doing something wrong, it's just that he doesn't want to be hassled about how the relationship is going. In all this secrecy I am really thrilled that he's pursuing this woman so much. He must really like her to fly her out, and must be extremely scared that this could work out for him to put so much effort into keeping it a secret. He would detest our sympathy if it didn't work out.

So as I pondered how serious this relationship must be going I was happy for him. Thinking to myself how I'm thankful he will be able to marry before me. In my last relationship I was afraid to be proposed to because me being the only other single sibling, as well as being the baby of the family, might make him feel discouraged. But now that won't be the case, number 1 he's in a seemingly serious long distance relationship, number 2 I am no longer dating the man I thought would propose.

Then I was left with my thoughts about that man. Of how it will be when/if he moves to Wisconsin. Knowing that he is still my companion in every aspect without (well… with rare exceptions) physical intimacy. How hard will it be to let him go? I can talk to him on the phone all day long; there is a difference face to face. I started to cry thinking about how hard it will be when he's gone. Right now we take advantage of seeing each other every day, talking multiple times on the phone aside from that, and hanging out on the weekends. I knew then that our friendship would be changed and may even end when/if he moves. I put an '/if' but it is basically confirmed he will be moving, it's just a matter of when. The '/if' is there for the random act of God that could change the direction of the course of our lives, which I believe has already happened with the likelihood of my ex moving across the country.

My life will forever be changed.

I tried then to imagine someone new coming into my life and I couldn’t. I was overwhelmed with grief in knowing he would not be apart of my life forever. I realize I can't share these feelings with him. How selfish would that be? Here he is leaving his entire family, and his lifelong friends, and people that mean everything to him and I'm going to let him know how horrible I will feel about losing him? No, not when the stress of making the actual decision is his biggest battle. I must be selfless and strong. Holding myself up and making sure he knows that I feel this is the best thing for him. In all honesty it is. His life would be easier. He would probably feel more accomplished living in a place that will pay him what he's worth and the cost of living is half of what it is here. He could pay off his debt, own a home, meet someone and settle down.

I have felt in denial of what it would mean to our friendship when he first approached me with his job offer. I was the first person he consulted. I immediately felt good about the opportunity for him. It has been just recently that I've realized what it means to our friendship. It could be that we will always be friends. Regularly calling each other and staying close. But there is a harsh reality slapping me in the face. It is also very possible that we could lose touch. The thought devastates me but I cannot let it overwhelm me. If I do, I could actually cause it to happen. I know if I were to share this with him right now he would get frustrated saying to me that I had no IDEA what will happen when he moves and to not immediately jump to conclusions of how he will be when he’s across the country, after all it’s not like he’s dying or anything.

I will try to focus on the positive and have faith that our friendship can last through eternity; that him moving will not affect how close we are, in fact that it could draw us closer because he will need someone.

Well I am feeling exhausted. I have shared my heart though I know there are pieces missing to my thought processes, I must go to bed.

Goodnight

I'm in a really foul mood...

So it's been almost a month and a half and I've been wanting to sit down and write all these things in between ... but no... I pick a day when I'm in a foul mood to force myself to vent about it.

To start off, I slipped up... I slept with my ex last weekend. I had no intention of doing so when I was hanging out at his place with a bunch of our friends. I normally walk out with everyone. But for some reason he lagged behind and went to the bathroom. I decided to wait since I had to go and then I'd leave. Well when he came out of the bathroom he jumped on me and started kissing me. Of course this has been something I've wanted but never had the guts to attempt. So of course I'm kissing him back and as soon as it was over with I feel fine. No guilt, no remorse, nothing. :(

That weekend he spent with his relatives and called me sunday and we talked about it. He of course was guilt ridden with remorse and still I had no regrets... But of course this is because I still love him. I told him if it was "just sex" for him that was fine. He still can't give me an answer... A week later and he can't tell me whether it's because he has feelings for me or he just used me. In my mind one is worse then the other, in his mind they are equally horrible for him to come to grips with. Because if he still has feelings for me then it means that he isn't where he thought he was. If he just used me for sex then he's just like every other guy out there and he would feel like shit...

Wednesday I was sick and spent the day at his place since it's closer to our work. I really faught a lot of feelings for him that day. Being at his house, sleeping in his bed, I battled a lot of things. I finally came to the conclusion that I still wanted him. I was actually wanting him to come home early from work and we'd have another round in the sheets... :-\ This was not a very comforting thought for me. I was angry with myself for falling back in this situation.

Worst of all I have been doing so well with my walk with God, if you can believe it or not... Since my dream/vision in my prior post God has done amazing things in my life. I felt like it was a test I didn't pass. I always wondered if my ex ever had the guts to come after me physically if I'd have enough self respect to say no... :( I didn't. I failed. I was/am dissapointed in myself.

When he did come home from work that night I was at the peak of my frustration. I didn't take anything out on him. I just calmly talked to him about all my thoughts, and frustrations, and battles within myself. I was more honest then most of the time... It was a very good talk. I was sad because it just confirmed that he does not want to get back together. I left feeling better in the fact that I knew what I had to do. But what was frustrating is that I didn't know how to move on. I didn't know how to let go. He has been so good with shutting down his feelings for me. He hasn't shared his struggles. And yet I'm constantly wanting to share where I'm at and how I feel. I knew I needed to stop.

Since that day, I no longer hold onto being physical with my ex. Or even getting back together. I was feeling good again. So last night when I asked how he was feeling about where we were at he went off again about how dissapointed he was in himself and regretted doing anything etc. I got frustrated because I see it as just that: a mistake, something we've learned from and we can move on and realize that there is no reason to continue in that direction. And that where we were at that moment was moving forward... But he is still struggling with things and now the realization that he could have just used me makes me feel much worse. In a way though it solidifies my stand on not caving if he tries to be physical with me again.

Since the start of this entry my mood has subsided quite a bit. My guess is just getting this off my chest is a relief. Well I need to get focused on work. Hopefully it won't be another month and another foul mood before I write again.

A Dream

I went to bed last night feeling unfullfilled. I had a night planned with friends and was looking forward to it since it has been so long. I ditched a meeting just for the occasion that we could all hang out on this one night. I went and it was not what I had hoped. Yes we laughed, yes we hung out, but no I did not feel fullfilled. I went to bed struggling, wondering why I was so frustrated.

I say all that to say that it wasn't like I had spiritual things on my mind when going to bed. I then had the following dream.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was alone in a living room and I walked up to this large bay window over looking our valley, where I live. I had an overwhelming sense of concern for the people. I knelt down and could hear the other prayers of the saints, "come down Lord", "change our hearts", "bring life to this place", "rivive us". These were faint but audible. The urge to pray was in my heart. I was kneeling looking out across the tops of the houses and with a ferverent heart I spoke these words,"I pray for revival" and as I did the audible voices spoke them in unison with me. Suddenly a large beam came down and an shock wave burst from that middle point. It was like an explosion. I could see the wave coming to me. It passed through me and continued on and immediately I was covered in chills. My heart knew and rejoiced that God was here! He came! He was flooding the valley!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I woke up with chills. I knew this was from God. He was confirming in my heart that I was to be involved in prayer for revival! I knew I was to remember this and share it with my church. It was exciting. Even now talking about it I get all excited and overwhelmed! He is coming! Revival is coming!

T.G.I.F.

So I've been meaning to write. I've been needing to write. A lot is going on right now. It's Friday and I'm in a goofy mood! I ended up coming back to work last night because the freeway was packed due to a camper fire and my normal 45 min drive would have been 3+ hours... So I decided to turn around and go back to work and do something productive for those 3 hours. I realized I could then come in late today.

Man, there is something about waking up after the sun that feels TOTALLY refreshing! It's still early enough to feel like you can have a productive day but it's amazing how refreshed I feel! So I got to work 2 hours later then normal and I'm in such a good mood! :D What a great way to start the weekend!!

Things have been interesting. Work has been good. But I have a lot of negativity around me from my coworkers. I haven't been helping them any. I become just as negative. I remember listening to my teacher wednesday night and he stated that we shouldn't live like others. People that don't have Christ should be able to see a difference in me, my life, my responses. Man I've heard that so many times but that night it struck a deep chord. People aren't able to see much difference in me and how I live my life or how I respond to things. Not that I've done too much to change but I'm more aware of it and that's the start of the battle...

The new programmer at work has become a new friend. He has helped keep me preoccupied so I'm not only focused on my ex at work. I now have someone else I can go to lunch with or chat with throughout the work day. I don't believe he has any interest in me romantically (nor I in him) but he shows an interest in me. He is very attentive to what I say and seems to include me. It has been a pleasant distraction. He is Buddhist so we can't relate on the spiritual level but I've been able to ask him questions about it. It has been interesting.

I spoke with an old boyfriend the other night. He is the one that hurt me the most. I feel bad for him. He has a serious heart disease that might take his life. The doctors don't know what else to do for him. They are trying to stop the deterioration but at this point the damage is done. I would have thought when he originally told me he was lying as usual if I hadn't heard from my brother-in-law that he saw his xrays at the hospital and it's a severe case. I can't remember what it's called though. Anyways, I talked to him and it was actually nice. I lost my resentment of him a long time ago. But we have not kept in contact either. Before I knew it I was inviting him to come to my church and say hi to everyone. Now I'm afraid he might actually take me up on the offer. He sounded as if he was hoping I'd ask but that he was worried how people would respond to him because of how badly he hurt me. He's afraid of my dad because during our breakup he said some pretty horrible things about me to my dad. To this day I have no idea what all he told my dad, my dad just told me it was a VERY good thing he was out of my life. Either way we will see. He may never come to church. But this sunday I might be checking the door every so often. hehe

Well I'm taking too much time. I will try to write more later.

Been Busy

So I've been really busy the last couple weeks. My brothers family came out and we had a wonderful family time. I took off from work a lot and spent some quality time with the neices and nephews and the rest of the fam. It's always so nice to be with family!

This week I have felt that I've been recooperating from something. Not sure what all took place or if I'm just fighting a cold... But it's been pretty hectic and I've felt like all I do is get up, get ready, rush to work, work the best I can, leave, drive home, eat, pick up books for whatever evening project I'm working on (weight loss group, youthgroup, class, etc), get home, get ready for bed and do it all over again. This is my Monday - Thursday. Thursday evenings I usually can relax for myself unless work needs overtime, then Thursdays are my days for overtime. Every-other-friday is devoted to a church meeting now. So I guess in a way I've felt overwhelmed. But this weekend I literally laid in bed all day! I had a huge migraine and it took most of the day to calm down. Sunday though I got a lot accomplished in my room. I unpacked one of my final boxes and have only one big box left. I have boxes of paperwork after that to finish the job. I got lamps hung up so that was a relief...

So after all that. I am still struggling with my ex, who told me that after listening to old messages from the girl got all choked up and has been depressed all weekend. I am sitting here trying to wonder how a barely dating relationship could cause that. So I asked the question... Did any physical affection happen. He didn't want to tell me. Which basically answered my question. But finally he said that they had kissed and held hands. This was hard to hear. My heart was pounding and I was immediately choked up. I gulped down and started looking at it as his friend. I immediately felt horrible for him. I immediately was upset at this girl who kissed him, held his hand and then suddenly stopped and even asked him to stop asking her to do things without any explanation as to why accept she was uncomfortable because their families were so close.

It hurts. I mean he was my first everything. It's hard to imagine going and kissing on someone else right now. So it's hard for me to comprehend him moving on so quickly. But that's how men are. It was just a little sad that he was so broken up about her when all they did was kiss and hold hands. But then again he's never been alone. He went from one girl to the next and this is the longest he's been without someone. I'm sure he put a lot of hope in those kisses. I do feel bad for him.

I am bummed. Though it puts further closure to our relationship. Sadly he's called me a lot this weekend. Every time I felt distant and wondered why he was calling when all he was doing was being miserable about the girl. But then when I would feel like something I said sounded too mean I wanted to make sure he was ok with me. I don't want to walk away just because he kissed the girl. I mean yes, we have a history, yes he is the only person I've had sex with, yes I gave him more of my heart then most, but sadly I have to move on. There is no hope for our future other then friends.

I keep thinking back to my sister who told me how she didn't know how she could go on seeing her first around town. She said she believed God took him away because He knew she couldn't handle it. How is this going to work for me? I see him every day at work! How am I going to handle this? It's painful at times. And yet at times its easy because he and I hid our relationship from the office for so long, it's easy to pretend we're nothing more then friends.

Yet how can he be so over me and so worked up about this girl? I haven't kissed anyone since him. I have had attractions to other men but nothing has surfaced. Maybe I would feel different if I had someone that was a possibility.

So now what I have to do is just realize that God has something else out there for me. I'm strong enough to not only be on my own, but to see the man who I lost my virginity with every weekday! That has to be a strong person indeed that can do that. But yet it's been done all the time. I am unsure of where our friendship will go from here. I feel a seperation happening. I'm less concerned about his feelings. I'm less worried about what he's doing. This whole thing with this girl really helped me let go of him. I mean he will ALWAYS have a part of my heart... and right now it's a large part of my heart. But I'm alone. I need to be ok with that and KNOW that I made the right decision. There is someone out there that will bring me closer to God. Who will help me grow spiritually.

Well I gotta go.

Ok... what now?

So Happy Easter! I've shared a wonderful day with my family! Laughed so hard I cried a bunch of different times. Had meaningful conversations with relatives far away. Genuinely feeling good about life.

I struggled letting go of my ex's date yesterday. I went to sleep and woke up a bunch of times last night, it wasn't the first or only thing on my mind, but sometimes it was. I woke up extra early to do all the extras for getting ready for easter sunday. Everyone always dresses up extra special on Easter Sunday. I was complimented a lot today but for some reason I just didn't feel all that pretty.

I hoped to hear from my ex after church and anxiously waited to hear that the date went wonderfully and they are setting a wedding date. ;) But when I did hear from my ex, I wished him a Happy Easter and tried really hard not to ask the most important question. He saw right through it and told me he had a good time and they talked about a future but she didn't feel that way about him! My mouth dropped! How could that be!? She was giving all the signals! The only thing I didn't know was her vibe while spending time with him. So I honestly felt horrible for him. I felt like when I said I was sorry he didn't believe me! I felt like no matter what I could say he was crushed. All day I've been reliving all the things he's said. I GENUINELY thought she was going to get involved with him. I'm still not sure why and how that didn't happen! He was VERY down and I felt even worse because I had to tell him that I had to go because my family was sitting down at the table to eat our easter dinner. He said he would call when he was done with his family too.

Well as I wrote that my ex called. He was quiet and just listening to me explain about my weekend. I tried to keep the conversation going, asked if he wanted me to just let him veg and get his mind off things but he kept me on the phone for a few short moments and then said he needed to go.

I told him about my whole busy/productive day yesterday and especially about the secret that only he and my other best friend know about, my brother and his whole family coming out to surprise my parents and my sisters family. Having the family together today made it really hard to not say how wonderful it will be in a couple days when the ENTIRE family will be together. We even called my brothers family and I had to sympathize with the family when finishing phone calls about how wonderful it would be when we can finally afford to help them all come out. And now that we've missed the girls spring break it will have to be in the summer, etc. It was so hard to not shout out that they would be here in just a few hours! 24 + hours but still! I've kept this secret for TOO long. I can't wait now that the time is drawing nearer. I have to figure out some particulars but for the most part it's coming together.

Well I need to go.

It's tough getting used to it...

So all week I've been doing really good about my ex. He's been cool with me. I can tell he's nervous about the girl returning his feelings. I think because he's so used to seeing me daily and calling eachother multiple times a day that having a new person that he doesn't work with and may not be used to talking to someone daily is making him think she doesn't care. I, of course, having a female view on things can tell otherwise. A woman with a child has to be extra cautious when dating men because it's not just her heart she has to be protective over, her childs will be impacted just as much. But the fact that she has done what she's done so far means that she is interested in him in return. Otherwise she wouldn't have just stopped by after a party in his area or made plans to go with him today to Palm Springs. But I of course keep my mouth shut about my views, because first of all I don't want to lead him to believe something that is possibly not true. And I also don't want to be the one he goes to about these things. I get the information he tells me and give my vague answers and be done with it.

The thing is I've been fine. I mean I even wished him well the other day and even meant it! It felt great! But today, knowing that they are out together, and wondering what vibe she's giving him, whether his feelings for her are being affirmed tonight... Man it's killing me! I've done everything I could today to keep busy. Went out shopping for an easter outfit, picked up some odds and ends along the way. Watched a movie with my mom. Went into my room to clean it for tomorrow and have been extremely productive! Yet the later it gets the more and more uneasy my stomach gets. And I'm not even sure my ex would call and tell me how it went! Yet I'm expecting him to... why!? So I'm trying to prepare myself for the fact that I may not talk to him at all tonight! And for some reason I'm anxious. Well I shouldn't say for some reason. Of course I'm anxious. But what do I expect? Him to call me and tell me his fears were true, that she didn't like him in that way? Or do I expect him to call me and tell me how wonderful his night was and how she finally admitted her feelings for him? Either way I need to let it go and it's sooooo frustrating.

So there you go... this is me putting it out there and being done with it. I can't let it eat me up inside. I need to enjoy my evening and realize that I have a future and a hope in Christ Jesus!

Nite

A new day

So Sunday night was a heart breaker for me. I ended up being emotional all night about everything. I called my ex and just told him how much I appreciated his kindness in my life (per my dads recommendation since I broke it off with him). But when I didn't get a call that night I felt foolish for leaving that message. I wished I could take it back and tell him when he decided to talk to me. But I went to bed at a decent hour and got up still emotional. I went to work knowing it was going to be a rough day especially since this was the first day I'd see him after he told me about his intentions with this girl. It was awkward and I was upset at not getting a call but we talked it out. He said I told him I would need my space and so he felt the message was just me just letting go of some feelings.

At some point in the conversation I felt a lightbulb come on and it was over. The emotional turmoil, the heartache, everything suddenly went calm and I was ok.. And I've been ok since. It's odd. I still wish I could remember what happened. Or how and what was said. But I can't. I'm suddenly ok. I'm not thrilled but I'm not emotional about it either. The feeling of betrayal went away. I don't feel resentment towards him at all! I know my dad was praying for me so my guess is somewhere in there God just picked me up and kept me going.

My ex and I were fine from that point on. I apologized for over-reacting. He told me he was going to dinner with the girl and I was ok with it. All night I was ok with it! Even after work I was ok with it. I was home on the internet and one of his friends needed my ex's cell number and then told me when he called my ex he was "out visiting a friend". I knew what that meant. I knew he was with her and I was ok with it. The person online doesn't know my ex is starting to see someone else so he didn't tell me for any other reason then saying "bummer now I don't have someone to go to dinner with." It felt good that I was ok with it. I'm glad for the strength that I feel God has been giving me since that moment.

The twist...

I get a call an hour later from my ex! He sounds down. He skirts the subject of the girl. He mumbles something about not being sure he wants to ask her out. And I'm trying not to pry because it's not something he should be leaning on me for advice for. I ask if he would like to talk about anything, he says no. I tell him about my evening which was full of interesting activities and some things that my ex was surprised to find out, but my response was that he has been preoccupied and we haven't spent a lot of time talking. I am in the middle of working for my brother and so I let him go.

Now.... I'm confused. I mean not that I am gonna try to get him back or anything. But my girlish curiosity is dying to know what took place that caused him to be so down, and why would he suddenly doubt his desire to want to make a relationship with this girl?

Anyways ... gotta go...

I talked to my dad

So I talked to my dad today. It really helped. I was struggling today more-so then yesterday about my ex. I was feeling like he must not have cared to be able to move on so quickly. My dad set those fears aside by informing me that he believed my ex gave me as much of his heart as a man could. And then informed me that men are different then women. It stated with Adam and Eve that the woman's heart would be for her husband and he would rule over her. God did not say that a man's heart would be to his wife. It doesn't mean that men would not love their wives, but men don't give as much of their heart as we women do. It helped a lot. I was feeling like I had wasted my time caring for someone that did not care for me as much. I was feeling a bit foolish as well. My dad said though that from what he could tell my ex was enamored by me. And that it was a huge blow when I broke up with him. It helped me to realize that though he's moving on he did in fact care at some point. It is just easier for him to let go then it is for me because I gave my heart and a woman's heart is for her husband. That's why the bible is very clear about women guarding their hearts because we need to save it for our husbands only.

So I feel more confident that I will be able to be strong and know that yes, things between my ex and I will permanently change, but that I was loved by him. He is such a good person. And has always given me anything he could. I guess I am sad that I will no longer have that kindness directed towards me. But I will need to move on.

Thanks daddy for being there for me. It means the world to me. Your comfort and support. I love you!

It's Official

My ex has decided to ask a girl to be his girlfriend. The irony is, yes it hurts, my heart hurts like hell, but I'm relieved. Like I'm finally being told the truth. I knew apparently before he did that he was having strong feelings for this girl and I was sooo frustrated that he wasn't admitting to it! We had plenty of fights over it. And when he called today he said he expected me to hang up on him. But that's the odd part. I had no intention of hanging up on him. I was just thankful that he was telling me the truth! I realize now though the pain of letting go of a companion. Someone that I can share everything with. That can no longer be the case. I will have to distance myself from him all-together. I'm afraid to face him at work. This week its been easy to deal with my feelings towards him because he's out of sight out of mind. I knew when he got back from this trip he would tell me he had feelings for this girl. I was completely prepared for it. The reality is the painful part. I have no one to call for every little thing anymore. But I, unlike him, have been alone for lengths of time. I'm ok with being alone. He is not. So good for him. He found someone. I will wait it out. I will enjoy my time and continue on my path in life. Part of me is on the verge of tears, the other part is strong and ready to move ahead.

So here I go... moving ahead...

Letting Go

Why is it so hard to let go of my ex-boyfriend? And at what point do you force yourself not to spend any time with him? I'm finding this extremely difficult since we work together. My friends are his friends. They were his friends first and therefore would be back to only being his friends if what it took to let him go was not spend any time with him. This weekend has been a rough one. He has asked a girl out. Someone I know he'd be interested in pursuing a relationship with. Now mind you it may not turn into a relationship but why is it so hard to handle? Why can't I just be happy for him for finding someone? I think I always hoped he would come back to me. I had recently (a month ago) realized it was truly over. Now mind you, we've been seperated for 6 months now. We were friends with benefits up until right before Christmas, and now he's asking someone out. I think what frustrates me is that he's not willing to admit it's a date. I feel it's only insecurities of rejection, if he was confident of how she felt towards him I think he'd be all for a relationship. Why does this bother me? He left his girlfriend prior to me and hooked up with me within the same week. Why should I be surprised that he has taken 3 months and is moving on? Because I can't just move on. I gave him so much of me. He was my first. They always say you give more to your first. I believe it now. I feel foolish. Like he must not have loved me as much as I loved him for him to be able to move on so quickly. Now this is all pathetic, stupid, or whatever. But these are the thoughts I struggle with.

So here I am knowing that things will change. Do I stop going to lunch with everyone at work? Do I stop hanging out on Friday nights at his place with a bunch of our friends? Do I tell him to stop calling me 3 times a day? Do I not sign on in messenger at work so he can't chat with me all day? Will any of this really help when it's all said and done? It needs to be something that changes in my own heart and mind. I need to let him go. But if he does get a girlfriend would he be calling me 3+ times a day? Would he have me come over with the rest of our friends on Friday nights? And if he would, would I even allow myself to go because he will be with his girlfriend? I mean she wouldn't be too thrilled about him having his ex over all the time.

This is what I'm fighting over. What needs to change in our relating to one another? Does anything? Is it all just in my head and heart that needs to change? Who knows...

I guess I can't make a decision now because I don't know what to do.

I love my family

Here it is, Sunday evening and I'm filled with love for my family. My sister and her family came over for dinner. I love my neice and nephew! They just give so much love, and are willing to accept anything I can offer them in return! It's been a while since the family has gotten together and today was just a fun filled day.

Ironically I've been struggling the last couple months. With all the changes in my life I should realize how much God is doing in my life. But sometimes change can feel overwhelming. I enjoy evenings like this because they are taken at face value. A good time with the family. It gets my mind off of all the other every day issues that I've been facing. I stopped everything to wrestle and play with my neice and nephew! It was a nice break from things.

I've faced a lot of truths this week. Painful truths. Truths that break my pride, and cause all sorts of uncomfortable soul searching. God has been trying to get me out of this slump. Well I would hope, I can't guarantee, that whatever it was that I desperately needed to get through my thick skull is finally starting to penetrate! God can do infinitely more then I could ever dare to ask or hope for in my life. I need to keep focused on that truth.

I feel like I'm starting to finally experience the new year sensations. I'm surprised that it's taken me this long to start looking ahead considering I usually get inspired in the new year! I finally feel something changing inside of me. Sometimes it's painful to realize that change is necessary, and other times it can be exciting to face the new possibilities.

Right now I feel a sense of excitement. Whereas before I felt a sense of dread about my life and where it was going, a sort of depression. God is faithful, he continues to work in our lives even when we are throwing ourselves pity parties.

Well it's late and I have an early morning.

I'm sad

I'm sad... And I need to vent... Why is it that some people find love when they are young? And others have to wait? Why is it that my first boyfriend had to be such an asshole? Why is it that my last boyfriend couldn't submit his life to Jesus!? These questions will go unanswered until... Until I meet him... the one.. My husband. Whoever or wherever he is.

Things with my recent ex have been uncomfortable. We work together so we have been trying to make the "just friends" thing work. Sadly ... I think it finally has started working. Just in the last couple weeks I've noticed we don't call eachother so much (still more then once-a-day), I feel more lonely because I know I can't depend on him so much. I try really hard not to anyways. I feel separated. The "just friends" thing may actually not be working... We may in fact lose touch alltogether. But I'd rather be on good terms then like it was with my first boyfriend.

Why though? Why is it that my sister found her true love at 22, my best friend found it at 23, and I am 27 and have yet to find it. I'm not old by any means. I'm just starting to realize how much I do want a family, to get married, to own a home, have a baby: these are things I'm really wanting right now. My mom says maybe God's preparing me. I say fine, but I shouldn't be desperate for it. I should be content where I'm at. Isn't that when love smacks you in the face? When you're not looking for it? I fear at this point if I did meet anyone of the opposite sex even close to my age and single I'd be measuring him up. That's not how it should be. And that's not how I normally am. And the second reason I don't believe that is the case is that right now I'm just feeling lonely, because the actual finality of my ex and myself is truly sinking in. I wouldn't want to find someone now anyways.

Valentines Day has never affected me, and may not affect me now. I just know that I went out with just "the girls" last friday night, and found myself left out of conversations about the different ways to stop your husband from snoring, or who spoons who... It's things like this that leave a lasting impression on my loneliness. My desire to share that with my husband, and wishing with everything in me that I never knew how it felt to have to stop someone from snoring, or how it feels to spoon and wake up and adjust together in the middle of the night. The sad part is I do know that feeling. I have experienced it. And it's a wonderful feeling. "When I'm asleep, I want somebody who will put their arms around me and kiss me tenderly. Though things like this... make me sick, but in a case like this, I'll get away with it." - Martin Gore Lyrics to one of my alltime favorite songs ever...

Somebody

I want somebody to share
Share the rest of my life
Share my innermost thoughts
Know my intimate details
Someone who'll stand by my side
And give me support
And in return
She'll get my support
She will listen to me
When I want to speak
About the world we live in
And life in general
Though my views may be wrong
They may even be perverted
She will hear me out
And won't easily be converted
To my way of thinking
In fact she'll often disagree
But at the end of it all
She will understand me

I want somebody who cares
For me passionately
With every thought and with every breath
Someone who'll help me see things
In a different light
All the things I detest
I will almost like
I don't want to be tied
To anyone's strings
I'm carefully trying to steer clear
Of those things
But when I'm asleep
I want somebody
Who will put their arms around me
And kiss me tenderly
Though things like this
Make me sick
In a case like this
I'll get away with it

This song pretty much sums up how I feel tonight. Longing for that feeling. I can see how people become addicted to it. I have my fair share of time alone, and I should be able to get back to that contentment of it... eventually.

I don't want to be here...

So I'm stuck at work and I don't want to be here. It's Saturday! Who should ever have to work overtime on a Saturday!? Well I know there are lots of us. We have to do what we have to do to get the job done. But right now the atmosphere of my workplace is that of a slow death... I'm watching everything decay around me. The stench of despair, hopelessness and anguish make coming to work a misery.

I do believe the company I work for has just taken a DRASTIC step in the WRONG direction and it is causing the slow death of the company as well as the employees in it. This sounds so morbid, but it truly is rather amazing how quickly it took a turn for the worse. I had just made the choice to update my resume' the week before last and never got around to it. Earlier this week I had decided to make time for it this weekend. Then midweek it felt like I had no other options. I still have a job and I still have projects that need to get done. There is so much despair in all of my co-workers, even if we did make it through this tough time I don't necessarily see that any of the current employees will still be here. Including myself. I think I have seen 1/6 of the company that actually doesn't mind sticking it out. The other 5/6 are ready to walk.

I believe it was God who gave me the prompting to update my resume' and now I know there's a good reason for it. I am updating it this Sunday and will start looking through the paper to see if I can find something. I am not even sure what to look for. My career has taken a mold of its own, and I have a few different directions I could go. I ultimately want what God wants for me. So I am praying that He gives me wisdom. I don't feel that moving is what needs to take place. I feel strongly about working closer to home. Less of a drive and more time for myself. Right now my commute is an hour there and back every day. I waste 10 hours a week driving to work and back!

Well speaking of work, I really do need to get busy if I actually want to get done in enough time to enjoy my weekend plans.

Freedom from the four letter "F" word...

This is a topic of fear...

Today at church the pastor spoke on fear and how God tells us to not let ourselves get caught up in fear!

John 14:27 - Peace I leave with you; My peace I now give you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not *LET* your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.... It specifically says do not "let" my heart be afraid. So if I am scared, worried, concerned or afraid... I'm LETTING myself.

The Bible does say I will walk through the river and it will not overtake me. Well that means that I must still walk through the river... Rivers at floodstage can feel overwhelming, like you are going to be swept away. God promises that it will not overtake me *if* I lean on faith not fear.

Isaiah 35:3-10

We give ourselves excuses for being frightened. At most of us have frightful things in our lives, but God tells us NOT to be frightened. When the disciples were in the boat and it was being covered in waves (they had something to be afraid of), yet Jesus said to them , "Why are you afraid, you men of little faith?". If I am filled with fear I cannot have the faith that Jesus Christ will bring me out of it. Where there is fear there is no faith. The two cannot be in your heart at the same time!

Joshua 1:6-9 This is also a commandment! Be strong and couragious! Jesus says specifically that I am to read the word of God, "This book of the law shall not depart from your mouth." My mouth, meaning I need to speak the word of God so that I can be strong! And this scripture even tells us that it is a commandment to not fear! "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous!" Can you be strong and courageous and still have fear!? There is a song that I learned in camp when I was in elementary school. During this message it came to the forefront of my mind.

"Be BOLD! Be STRONG! For the Lord our God is with us. Be BOLD! Be STRONG! For the Lord our God is with us. Do not be afraid, do not be dismayed. I'm gonna walk in faith and victory, I'm gonna walk in faith and victory! For the Lord our God is with us!"

This is my belief... I am not allowed to wallow in my sorrows, I cannot let fear grip me. What am I so afraid of? Death is the worst thing that can happen and even then I am going to be with the Lord Jesus Christ!! What trivial things in life are holding me back? So what if my ex doesn't like me? So what if I am without a boyfriend/husband? What if I feel foolish? Am I afraid people won't like me? God has commanded me to be strong and courageous!

It's easier said then done. But I am willing to try!

I finally have DSL!!!!

So the dsl finally got hooked up this evening! YAY! I can't believe how annoying it was that I couldn't just jump online and post when I wanted to.

There has been so many things going on in my life right now that I'm just not sure how to express it all. I am getting settled into the new place. I still have stacks of boxes that I haven't even opened! It's going to take a while to get everything arranged, especially with my schedule (and my addiction to taking time to write in my blogs).

So this evening I got confirmation that my input is valuable to my current ministry that I have been thinking about stepping down from... Youth Ministry. I am still not sure what I am actually going to do. One of the teens came up to me and thanked me for what I encouraged him to do. I had basically encouraged him to make God the center of his relationship to this girl, to discuss God together. He said he never felt closer to God, or his girlfriend. That they had spent two hours the night before just talking about God and discussing some of the questions we gave them. Just seeing the smile on his face helped brighten my night! It was a nice change. And it was very encouraging and brought a big smile to my face. I couldn't help but be happy and giddy! I even realized that it had been the first time I had felt truly happy this week... Doing my ministry... It's very rewarding when you can see that you are being a help. We've drastically changed the way we have gone about youthgroup and lost most of the teens. But now it's a core group that *want* to learn about God! That is the important thing... So now I'm not sure what I want to do. I don't know if that was encouragement from God to stick it out. I know there are times you want to walk away from your ministry, so I have to now rethink and make sure it is what God wants me to do. But as I left I was smiling ear-to-ear!!!

As I drove home I was explaining this to someone from work who in a heartbeat changed my whole mood by telling me somthing about work... I wonder sometimes if working at the place I do is worth all the drama. I wonder sometimes if God has me there for a reason, or if I'm just putting myself through unnecessary turmoil. My boss doesn't seem to see the concept of appreciating hard work (whether it was part of the job or not) and rewarding for doing a job well done. His concept is the reward is getting paid what more do people need!? This unfortunately makes my part-time position as morale officer VERY difficult. I do not have a defined position in that area, it just happened that I came to the CEO and told him that I thought some recognition programs needed to be put in place. Then it was now my job to come up with the programs. In one of my many meetings with the CEO I heard him say "why reward an employee that worked overtime when he got paid more for his time". I was discouraged after that meeting. Then I here we are having a pizza party to celebrate ONE persons hard work in finishing a website! This person is his pet. The one that works the closest with him. So why am I upset? This employee did a good job and goes along with my concept of rewarding hard working employees. He should be rewarded. But the pizza party is going to be a celebration of HIS hard work. Not the hard work that every other employee did this week in staying overtime to get the job done right! His view is skewed and I can only do so much to try and help him see it. I mean he is the CEO and it isn't my position to talk to him like that. I mean I have been fairly honest and very respectful but I try to fight for the others hard work that he doesn't see on a day-to-day basis. It's sometimes disheartening to see one person get a pizza party done in his honor when I know a whole department that kicks their butt for the company and puts in so much work and gets the majority of the work placed on their shoulders and they don't get ANY recognition. They are looked at as slackers somehow! Just because there is more of them doesn't mean that they have more of the work spread between them. It just means that they get handed the biggest portion of the work. Either way its this one department that I fight for the most. And no, I don't work in that department. I used to and I think that's why I know all the frustrations and work that is involved and they do even more then I did when I worked in that department! Anyways, I guess for those of you that are Christians who read this... please pray for realization in the eyes of upper management to the work that gets done in that department.

Wow I guess I went through withdrawls... But I have a lot on my heart and this is a definite release! I have more but I think this is long enough as it is...

Feelings

Why is it that I am still so worried about my ex being ok with me? I am so frustrated that I even care whether or not he talks to me, or looks at me, or how he responds to me. I am so pissed at myself at this very moment! Why couldn't I be a stronger person? Why can't I be independent and confident that my decision was right? And not care how he treats me!? I mean he's not even treating me badly! Yet I want more. How selfish! How annoying!

It sucks having to see him daily and I just want to be able to have confidence in who I am. I want to have fun and not care so much about how he treats me, or even if he's ok with me. I hate going back and forth with my feelings for him. I need to seperate myself from him but I can't. I am stuck seeing him on a daily basis.

I want to run... I want to run far away. I don't want to hurt like this. I don't want to feel that he's getting over me when I'm so far from being over him.

Victim or Overcomer?

I have had some interesting conversations today about being driven to succeed. I spent some time talking to someone in my department about how much she's overcome. She has a drive that I admire. I have recently noticed that I admire drive in most anyone. There is someone in another department that I went to lunch with yesterday, he has some serious drive and has a very charismatic personality, and he doesn't allow the pressures of his personal life to interfere with work.

I, on the other hand, have been through hell and back last week and if you were around me and didn't notice you were blind. I wear my emotions on my sleeve. I had to put my dog to sleep last week. That was one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make in my adult life! I guess because I've had her since before I was a teenager! She had a long life but I still had a very hard time making the decision to end her life. It was odd, people have their pets put to sleep for multiple reasons all the time, yet I felt cruel for having to make the decision. I broke down multiple times at work the day it was being done.

As well we have had to move. (One reason for my lack of posting; the new place doesn't have dsl yet.) The worst part was that we packed up all last week not knowing where we were moving to. Knowing that Saturday we had a moving crew coming to help, we just knew that either the trucks would be going to a storage unit or a house. Less then 24 hours before the people came to the house we found a place and had the papers signed and I am enjoying setting up my new room but find that I'm bored without the internet!

Either way back to the reason for my post, in all that has happened last week I felt overwhelmed. Most people around me knew I was stressed. I don't feel I became a victim but I do believe I allow my emotions to be seen more then they should. I am not an over-achiever for sure. I cannot do what the people I admire do, they don't know something; they just learn it. They don't want to let their emotions get in the way of their work; they separate their life from work. They don't want to get involved in office politics; they just stay in their own world. I envy that.

But then I spoke to another person that used to work where I work and he started having me think about my motives for admiring people like that. It's good to admire he said, but not when it causes you to be too uncomfortable in your own skin. So here I am trying to figure out if I'm overanalyzing this, that in itself should be my answer. ;) But I find this whole thing fascinating! I enjoy hearing what people have accomplished and overcome in their lives. It makes me want to be a better person. To work on those things that are negative influences in my life. The things that hold me back from being a driven person. I want to be someone that overcomes the problems that I face in my life.

New Year's Resolutions / Personal Mission Statement

Someone at church gave us an outline that we could use to approach this years New Year Resolutions. Below is my New Year's Resolution / Personal Mission Statement.

New Years Resolutions:

Get back to my roots. Fall in love with Jesus all over again and work towards having a deeply intimate relationship with him.
God - set aside time to seek him DAILY! Work on a stronger relationship.
School - Go back to school in the fall.
Weight - Start going to the gym in the evenings I used to spend with my ex.
Job - Keep a positive attitude and seek what God's will is for me there as well as in helping my relative.
Church - Look for new ways for God to use me, to be a servant, seek God's wisdom in my current ministry and if I am to stay deeply involved or step back. Get knit in again, to love the people so much that the church is the only place I want to be, to be built up and strengthened, to be with family.
Missions - Help the 2005 mission group accomplish it's goals, and prepare/pray for my own 2006 mission trip.
Future Husband - Pray for him, for God to keep working on him and making him a stronger man of God and to bring us together in His timing.
Offerings - Give more then just my tithe for the churches purposes and needs.
Debt - keep working towards getting my debt down.

Last year (where I've come in the last year, ie. experiences) - I was very involved in my own feelings. I had pulled away from God and the church and my ministry the year before to be involved with someone that wasn't seeking after God. 2004 I felt the affects of my decision in all aspects of my life. I struggled with my weight and lost confidence in who God made me because I wasn't being the person God made me to be. I overindulged in all my sins, eating, sexuality, immorality, carnality, etc. I lost sight of who I was and where I was going which caused a huge strain in everything God-oriented. This has caused me to finally re-evaluate where I was going in my life. I realized very recently that I wasn't ruling my life, I was allowing my life to rule me. I'm excited at the glimpses of what God has shown me about what He's going to do in my life this year. I see a release, "freedom" as my pastor says (which is the word God gave him for our church this year)! Freedom from my eating, and my ex...

Talents, gifts, personality, age, etc.
I am 27. Outgoing, bubbly, vibrant, supportive. I feel a calling to intercessory prayer, organizing events (activities director), being a person someone can go to when they are having a problem.

Answer:
How will all this glorify and cause the following of Jesus and show an example in the kingdom of God?

Ultimately this will bring me closer to the person that God intends me to be. I will be able to reach out to others who have been through my downfalls. This will be a new part of my testimony.


Note:
Make an appointment with myself to regularly seek the Holy Spirit's guidance to help stay on track according to my Mission Statement.

D - Dedicated to the cause of Christ
R - Take Responsibility for what I am supposed to do
I - Integrity to myself, others and the cause
V - Have a Vision
E - Be Enthusiastic for what He has called me to.

Mortality

I'm trying to get the vision of a yellow CHP jacket covering a body in between the back tires of a truck out of my mind. It's an extremely unsettling thing to realize our mortality! I see accidents all the time, mostly fender benders... Only a handful have turned out to be fatality accidents. I was stuck in traffic and knew it had to have been a pretty bad accident due to the amount of lights ahead of me and the fact that all lanes but the far right were closed. But I was not prepared to see a body. As I drove past wondering why a yellow jacket was on the ground in between the two back tires of a red truck, I looked to my right and saw a motorcycle... Right then I knew... Tears started streaming down my face and I found myself sobbing before I even had the lights of all the patrol cars out of site in my rearview mirror. I'm still surprised at how much it impacted me. I thought of his family, prayed a little prayer for them and prayed for his soul even though I was disturbed to think that it might be too late for him to make a decision of where he was going.