My ex... He and I broke up over a year ago because of my spiritual beliefs. He was not capable then (and now) of being a spiritual leader. I have always desired a man that had the same faith if not more faith then I, who can encourage me to be devoted to God above himself. Well my ex and I broke up because we both knew that's what I wanted and he wasn't going to be that man. A year later and often slipping back into a sexual relationship with each other I find myself wanting him more then ever. Then with everything my brother-in-law has done I have found myself doubting what is considered a "spiritual leader". How can I say, "this man is a godly man and this one is not" when I have a brother-in-law whom I respected and looked up to for his spiritual leadership in my sisters home who has gone off the deep end and went off and had an affair? It has thrown my whole ideal out the window and has made me doubt that I made the right decision in leaving my ex. Mostly because after a year I still have just as strong of feelings for him as the day before I left him. Nothing has changed as far as where he is with God, though he goes to church and is committed to it. So I talked to my parents about it. They actually understood where I was coming from and were just as confused. They see how my ex still treats me, which is VERY good, and they just don’t know themselves anymore. I started looking towards possibly getting back together with my ex. I spoke with him a week ago about “us” and he is still in the same frame of mind. “Nothing has changed between us, so why would it work this time?” I, of course, felt everything changed, considering that my whole ideal I now doubt as being possible and that any man could be the one God intended for you. But we’re on the same path, loving one another, wanting one another and not being able to go further with one another.
This week has been a hard one for me. I have found myself resenting the fact that I’m in love with a man that I can’t have. I resent the fact that he’s not willing to give it another try. And to make it worse, I respect him for standing up under my confusion because he understands my life is in turmoil and I’m not in any frame of mind to make this kind of decision. I resent the fact that I am not able to control these feelings and keep them to myself as my ex does. I am a girl, he is a guy. I understand that is a key factor.
We spoke again this morning and I finally came to grips with the fact that I know he loves me, I know he wants me, I know he needs me and this is just as hard on hime as it is me. He is frustrated he can’t get over me. I am frustrated I can’t get over him. This is why I question whether we’re even *supposed* to get over one another. If it’s been this long and neither of us can let go, are we really supposed to be fighting these feelings? Well until my turmoil stops I don’t know that I can make an educated decision. Right now it would be based solely on my emotions. I would hate for a decision to be made and then another year down the road I realize that the spiritual leader is still an issue.
So here I go, spending the weekend with my ex… Wondering if we’ll have sex… Wondering if he’ll even want to… Wondering if I will be ok if he is the strong one and says it would not be a good idea… Wondering if I should have more self respect not to have sex or hold it against him for being strong… I guess I will find out.
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