So it's been almost a month and a half and I've been wanting to sit down and write all these things in between ... but no... I pick a day when I'm in a foul mood to force myself to vent about it.
To start off, I slipped up... I slept with my ex last weekend. I had no intention of doing so when I was hanging out at his place with a bunch of our friends. I normally walk out with everyone. But for some reason he lagged behind and went to the bathroom. I decided to wait since I had to go and then I'd leave. Well when he came out of the bathroom he jumped on me and started kissing me. Of course this has been something I've wanted but never had the guts to attempt. So of course I'm kissing him back and as soon as it was over with I feel fine. No guilt, no remorse, nothing. :(
That weekend he spent with his relatives and called me sunday and we talked about it. He of course was guilt ridden with remorse and still I had no regrets... But of course this is because I still love him. I told him if it was "just sex" for him that was fine. He still can't give me an answer... A week later and he can't tell me whether it's because he has feelings for me or he just used me. In my mind one is worse then the other, in his mind they are equally horrible for him to come to grips with. Because if he still has feelings for me then it means that he isn't where he thought he was. If he just used me for sex then he's just like every other guy out there and he would feel like shit...
Wednesday I was sick and spent the day at his place since it's closer to our work. I really faught a lot of feelings for him that day. Being at his house, sleeping in his bed, I battled a lot of things. I finally came to the conclusion that I still wanted him. I was actually wanting him to come home early from work and we'd have another round in the sheets... :-\ This was not a very comforting thought for me. I was angry with myself for falling back in this situation.
Worst of all I have been doing so well with my walk with God, if you can believe it or not... Since my dream/vision in my prior post God has done amazing things in my life. I felt like it was a test I didn't pass. I always wondered if my ex ever had the guts to come after me physically if I'd have enough self respect to say no... :( I didn't. I failed. I was/am dissapointed in myself.
When he did come home from work that night I was at the peak of my frustration. I didn't take anything out on him. I just calmly talked to him about all my thoughts, and frustrations, and battles within myself. I was more honest then most of the time... It was a very good talk. I was sad because it just confirmed that he does not want to get back together. I left feeling better in the fact that I knew what I had to do. But what was frustrating is that I didn't know how to move on. I didn't know how to let go. He has been so good with shutting down his feelings for me. He hasn't shared his struggles. And yet I'm constantly wanting to share where I'm at and how I feel. I knew I needed to stop.
Since that day, I no longer hold onto being physical with my ex. Or even getting back together. I was feeling good again. So last night when I asked how he was feeling about where we were at he went off again about how dissapointed he was in himself and regretted doing anything etc. I got frustrated because I see it as just that: a mistake, something we've learned from and we can move on and realize that there is no reason to continue in that direction. And that where we were at that moment was moving forward... But he is still struggling with things and now the realization that he could have just used me makes me feel much worse. In a way though it solidifies my stand on not caving if he tries to be physical with me again.
Since the start of this entry my mood has subsided quite a bit. My guess is just getting this off my chest is a relief. Well I need to get focused on work. Hopefully it won't be another month and another foul mood before I write again.
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