Well it's Christmas time again. I haven't posted here for a while. Of course everything has changed. I'm not exactly sure where to go with this post. There is a guy looking for this blog, at least he was at one point. I think he's given up. I kind of hope he has because I'm sure he will be discussed in this post.

But I feel its appropriate to discuss the most recent happenings with the ex in which this blog has centered around. I found out the day after Thanksgiving that he proposed to his girlfriend the Tuesday prior to Thanksgiving. He called me. As much as I wasn't surprised, I was surprised. I am happy for him. But there is a part of me that is left with sadness. I'm guessing it's because part of my heart that I gave him during our relationship is mourning the loss. As cliche as it sounds I am also analyzing the question of "what's wrong with me, why was she someone he could marry and I wasn't?" Well if I think about it, I know he and I were never meant to marry. I did love him. Even a few posts down I talked about how we even talked about marriage, but him being in a different state (literally) changed things.

I'm moody today. Feeling pretty down. Alone. A bit rejected. Not sure why. Yesterday I had to tell a guy I just started seeing that I was uncomfortable with the amount of affection he was giving me considering we aren't together. He is a bit too touchy feely for me. He was nice enough about it, but I could tell he was a bit discouraged and dissapointed. I enjoyed his attention. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just scared of getting too close.

I think I need to get outside... Go for a walk... Journal... I wish I wasn't at work and I could just plug in my iPod and get lost in the lyrics to the songs. I think I'm in the mood to be a bit of a martyr today.

A lot has changed

I've looked at a couple posts that were started but never finished/posted and a lot has changed with the 45 year old. I was a lot more insecure about how he felt about me. We're not dating by any means but the uncertainty of how he feels has gone away. We are friends with a mutual attraction. I'm dating other men but still hoping something more happens with the 45 year old. He's opened up a little about his hesitation to start dating and at this point we're both waiting to see if we're sure it can turn into something substantial before taking any steps in the direction of a relationship. (We've also determined he looks about 38 so quite a bit younger then he actually is.)

He and I have gotten together about once-a-week since our first dinner by ourselves July 19th. It's cute that he calls every couple of days and emails me on the off days so pretty much I hear from him every day. Why is that cute? That's freakin' cute cause I'm crushing. :) Everything is cute then. I can tell for him that's a lot of attention to give someone.

Before all that has happened this last year I would be panicked by any delayed responses. Right now I know I may not talk to him till early next week but I'm ok with that. That's odd for me, or I should say that would be odd for the old me. I guess it's because I'm not insecure with where I stand with him. I know he likes me as a person and that there is an attraction there. Maybe it's also because I don't have any expectations.

I went through a lot between May - September 2006. Then between September 2006 - March 2007 I felt like I did a lot of internal reflection and accepted a lot about myself which in turn made it easier to change a lot! I think there is a confidence that's showing on the outside. I'm genuinely happy with who I am on the inside and out. I'm still surprised at how much attention I've been getting from men in the last year. It wasn't till recently that I started to notice the lineup of men growing. In fact it's pretty safe to say I've had more guys pursue me in the last year then I have had in all the years before combined!

I recently had my very first opportunity for a one-night stand. Yup! For some women this happens all the time, men come onto them at a bar or what-have-you but I've always been a little bit of a late bloomer. It was a security guard at a resort I was staying at. I was attracted to him the moment I saw him but never had the chance to make conversation. I decided to be bold and introduce myself and within moments we had setup a time to meet later. When we did meet up he started kissing me and things got heated rather quickly. I was surprised at myself for allowing it to get so far, he had his hand down my pants. He asked me to fuck him and in that moment I thought about how I felt and I didn't like it. I knew I would regret it and told him... as much as I didn't want to, I had to stop. The surprising thing is, it really was hard to stop! He was nice about it. I could tell he was expecting to get laid and me (being naive) wasn't even thinking about sex when he said he wanted to meet up later! But now that the moment is over I am glad to know I could not go through with it. I'm not wired for one-night stands.

Honestly, it was flattering... I mean I'm sure he might have slept with a lot of women. But ... I was immediately attracted to him. I haven't experienced such a strong mutual physical attraction like that! At least not one that was so obvious to both involved and where we both had to opportunity to do something about it! But like I said, I am glad I found out what I'm capable of, or not capable of in this case.

What do you do!?

I just got off the phone with my cousin who told me something almost unbelievable. If I hadn't seen it with my own eyes I would still not know what to think about it all! Nevermind, I have seen the information with my own eyes and STILL don't know what to think of it all!

Turns out I have another cousin! My aunt had a baby before she got married, went to stay with my mom of all people and gave the baby up for adoption!!!! There is a website that says my cousins names! All of them! This girl is looking for them. I'm kind of in shock! What do you do? My cousin is in shock. She just found out about it about an hour before she called me!

My aunt is beside herself. Apparently this was a secret she planned on keeping to the grave. And I'm in shock my mom kept this secret as well! I'm surprised my aunt wouldn't tell her own kids now that they are older. But she was miserable and even so devastated that they knew she threatened to do herself harm! She feels she's a horrible mother and just kept saying she really had no intention of them ever finding out.

My other cousin found it when he googled his own name! Right there for the world to see! His name and the name of his two sisters... The girl telling them not to be afraid to contact her because they have another sister! This type of stuff happens on Lifetime, not in real life!

Anyways, I'm sworn to secrecy, even from my immediate family! I can understand why. I mean let them take care of it and get used to the idea before it becomes public knowledge for the whole family. But obviously my mom knows about it. I guess they haven't told my other cousin. The brother and sister three-way called their mom (my aunt) and confronted her with it. The other sister may not take it so well. So the cousin that called me isn't sure how to address that whole situation of telling her. Though she knows she needs to.

This is just odd. This type of stuff doesn't happen in our family. Well we didn't think it did anyways! Why is it that back in the day they were so good at keeping secrets and nowadays everyone knows everything. I guess it was more taboo? Honestly if I were to get pregnant before marriage it would be just as devastating! Small towns and such, somehow kept good secrets! haha

I laugh but with my mouth fully dropped open. I'm still in shock! I have another cousin out there! What a trip! I wonder how this will all come out. I'm dying to talk to people about it. But for now I'm going to respect my cousins wishes and just share it on my anonymous blog... Cause I gotta put it out somewhere!

Crushing ... again

So here I go again... crushing... on a customer! The 45 year old and I have been talking on a more regular basis outside of the work and on a more personal level. We have not gotten together since our initial business dinner with my supervisor. But last week he said he'd like to go to dinner when he got back in town. He got back Monday and of course I knew this meant that he'd probably want to go out this weekend but I can't since I'm getting minor surgery and will be out of the office tomorrow till Monday. Knowing I'd be out of commission I asked if he wanted to meet up with me last night. He had a business thing he had to go to but said he would love to take me out to dinner and the movies. So we're planning to do that next week sometime. He seemed genuinely dissapointed that he wasn't able to meet up with me, even like he was trying to calculate a way to skip his current plans to meet up with me. But I encouraged him to do what he had to do and we'd get together another time.

I'm not sure what to feel about it all. I am crushing on him. It's funny though, last thursday I finally stopped worrying so much and just realized he'd be a great friend, nevermind the fact that I keep having sexual fantasies about him and I, but he is someone I enjoy talking to. Since I've let go, it seems that he's called on a fairly regular basis. I read my last entry and one of my biggest pet peeves with men these days is feeling like I'm the only one making the efforts. Well I don't feel I've had to make the efforts with him.

We've had a couple more opportunities to talk about his religious beliefs. And it looks like he has some but I haven't been able to define what his comments mean. He is a talker. Which I like. It'll be interesting to see where this goes.

Just writing some thoughts

It's quite amazing how fickle we can be, isn't it? I have gotten to the point of not wanting to make any efforts in the relationships in my life. I don't want to struggle to keep a friendship alive. I don't want to feel like I am the only one that cares. I am referring to one person in particular but in actuality it fits for all the people in my life at this time. There are the long term relationships which have withstood the test of time. But then there are the more recent friendships that I'm tired of feeling like I'm an annoyance rather then an enjoyment. Or in this particular case, I have to make the first attempt that may or may not be responded to. When it's responded to things are good, if not then I'm left feeling a little disappointed not to be interesting enough to be responded to. haha um... ok...

As I'm typing this I realize my perspective is off. Really, my mentality is all wrong. Why does it have anything to do with me? But this particular friend has a new "project" to fill up his time. By "project" I mean someone he can devote his thoughts to. He gets into these passions and most are fairly short-lived and unfinished. Sadly I was one of his "projects" at one time. I haven't been considered a "project" for a little while and I have noticed the slow decline in interest because he enjoys that challenge or intrigue of the "project". Well he has a new "project" and I have been put further back on the burner for now.

Though because of where I am, I care but not enough to make the effort to try to fit into his interests again. I don't think I can, and to be honest, I'm not sure if I even want to. But as I think about how I feel about this particular individual I realize this is my mentality in most relationships in my life right now. It's not just him. I want to be pursued. I want to feel valuable. I want to click without feeling the need to make a connection happen. I guess I really don't want friendships to be any work.

Again that mentality is slightly wrong because all friendships/relationships take work. I guess it's just where I'm at right now. I guess it's stages. But these stages seem to be more permanent outlooks rather then only temporary. I guess you do change as you get older. I hope I'm not too weird. hehe I haven't turned 30 yet!

Speaking of changing my outlooks... A 45 year old customer took me out to dinner Friday night and to be completely honest I put some thought into pursuing something with him. I was also with my supervisor but I felt the connection he and I shared pretty strongly. Though I did have a margarita and I'm not used to drinking so that could have been part of it. hehe He's a great guy and I really enjoyed talking with him. I definitely hope we can get together again. Though I'm not sure what will happen. I know he thought I looked 23! LOL! I thanked him but I'm still thinking a couple months away from being 30 is still a big age difference. I actually hope to hear from him. This is odd for me.

Choices

I'm feeling like I have been living life with no focus. And I have gotten to the point that I want to do something about it. Basically it's come down to the fact that I want to be uncomfortable to get what I want. But since I've come to this conclusion my mind is cluttered with choices. And in a weird turn of events I'm now frozen with fear of making the right choice. I really feel the need to set goals because otherwise I waste away in this comfort zone.

Law of Attraction

I'm still not used to this concept of having multiple guys showing interest at the same time. I guess it's because in high school it was hard to imagine even one guy liking me at any given point. I've just recently seen the number of men showing interest increased, or maybe it's just that I'm acknowledging them rather then explaining them away. Looking back I'm amazed at how insecure I was in high school and can see how that affected what I attracted or I should say... didn't attract.

Ever hear of the Law of Attraction? Well I'm a fairly new believer in it. I don't quite understand it fully but believe that it is very real! I wonder at times how it is I'm attracting certain things in my life. Other times I can look back and see how my focus attracted certain outcomes. Now it's learning to be aware of how my current focus affects what comes next.

So it's not like these men are falling all over themselves for me. But they are pursuing me. It feels good. But for the most part each of the men don't mean very much to me and have no future or long term compatibility with me. But it has been kind of fun.

It is odd that Colorado still holds such a big part of my heart. I was talking to my friend on the way to work and not that I was talking to him about Colorado but as we talked about stuff I realized how much of my heart I’ve given to Colorado without us even being in an official relationship. Colorado isn’t one of the nicest people in my life. He has stated that if he and I stopped talking he wouldn’t be affected. Whereas I know I would be disappointed.

I’m not sure how I’m going to nickname these guys… My friend that I talked to this morning was well I would call him an ex but we were only together for a month. He recently called and asked me if he was a good kisser. Sadly my memory of his kisses weren’t good. Either way he is currently dating a girl. I’m not sure how long it will last. He seems to be calling and leaning on me more then I would expect a guy to while in a relationship. Last night I talked to him and he had to go and said he’d call back. Circumstances happened that took me away from my cell for about 45 min. I came back to 4 missed calls! Then later that night I left my cell in my room while watching tv in the living room and again was left 4 missed calls!

¿ Attraction ¿

Well I did say in my last post I flip flop on my feelings for Colorado. I guess I've flopped. ;) I am still amazed that I can be soooo attracted to him even though he's my friend. I saw a recent picture of Colorado and he's just too adorable. He's just so ... cute. I guess I'm using terms that make it seem like he's cute in a kid sort of way but trust me that's not the case... I am very attracted to him. And it doesn't help that I really do enjoy his personality, even the quirks (Well obviously I like his personality since we're friends). After seeing this recent picture I found myself wishing I was closer, wondering if I lived there would we be in a relationship? I've come to the conclusion (as I have many other times I ponder this, yes, it has been many times hehe) that no... no matter how attracted I am to him, I still have a level of maturity that understands our differences would not make for a good relationship. That the friendship dynamic works for us, a relationship would not. Even though that selfish immature part of me just wants the gratification of getting what it wants. Who's to say Colorado would even give me what I wanted? Well honestly I know he has felt the same, at least at some point. I don't think I've ever experienced this kind of situation with a guy before.

Another new beginning

Hello Long Lost World. I'm baaaack!

It's been well over a year since I've written in this anonymous blog. I feel an update is necessary yet part of me feels like just diving into my current life and not reliving the past. But as I know that people who stumble across this blog may want to know the outcome of what I wrote about so much in the past. My ex and I finally broke the codependency bond. It was a tough time but it was the best for the both of us. He was the one to finally break down and tell me he couldn't handle my friendship anymore. It took a few months of not talking on the phone (we still rarely talk on the phone), and getting an email or two a week... Now we're at least back to chatting but even that is once a week if we're lucky. Somehow what I thought was impossible... was more then possible. I've lost interest in him, and we're no longer best friends! It could be because he has a new girlfriend now. But I'm not really interested in going over all that.

I am not dating anyone. And to be completely honest I'm perfectly happy about that! There are two men that currently hold my interest. Ironically enough both live in different states. Maybe I do that because it's safer. I'm not sure. One in Colorado and one in Washington. The one in Colorado has been around longer. He showed up in my life almost the exact moment my ex said he didn't want anything to do with me. There is a mutual attraction between me and (I'll call him) Colorado but I know it's best as it stands. Friends with an understanding if either of us could actually go through with it, we'd be ok having sex... The thing is... neither of us would be able to actually go through with it.

Washington is a new fling. He caught my interest while at work. He is someone I have to work with on a fairly consistent basis. We decided to exchange email addresses and chat info and have been talking on a fairly regular basis. I gave him my number the other day only after he gave me his. I don't believe it'll ever be anything more then a friendship though I do enjoy hearing his voice and his laugh brightens my work day and there is a fair amount of innocent flirting.

I've had more little flings in these last 6 months then I have had in a LONG time ... actually ever! There is a confidence I've gotten and yet I'm thankful I'm not desperate for a relationship because I could be in some pretty pathetic ones right now. I'm enjoying being single. I'm enjoying the freedom of flirting with anyone. I'm enjoying the endless possibilities of who is to come into my life next!

Though I will say Colorado stands far above most. He is the one I will probably talk about most in this anonymous blog. I flip flop on my feelings for him. Some days I am confident that I would not want him in my life any more then he already is, other times I do want him and appreciate him and admire him and even love him... Though sometimes I can't tell if that is just a friendship kind of love. It is possible that the attraction is the only reason I am confused about my feelings towards him. He is a great person and sometimes I'm bummed I don't live closer to him so that we can just hang out and laugh in person rather then over chat and the phone.

Well my eyes are heavy and are crossing so I guess that's a good sign I need to go to bed. I'm not sure how often I will update this blog. I have a lot on my brain I would like to share yet I'm just not sure if I will have the time to update as often as I would like. I don't believe it will be another year before I come back. hehe