I became really self destructive, especially to my emotional well being. I became so wrapped up in drinking and having sex and not realizing how damaging it was to my self esteem. I would have thought that I was doing better because here I was getting these guys to show me attention that I thought were out of my league, shouldn't that make me feel better about myself? Yeah no, not when the sex was meaningless.
I am sometimes really disappointed in myself. I am trying not to beat myself up for my behavior. I learned a lot about myself. I learned a lot about what I want and what I don't. Sadly the wrong way. The painful way. My heart has been broken. Not shattered, maybe just a new crack here and there. But we all know those little cracks add up... My heart got involved with both The Drummer and Latin Lover. I read a book recently that labeled it an unhealthy soul-tie.... You attach yourself to someone that you should never attach yourself to. I gave my heart so surprisingly to Latin Lover which was especially odd because I never felt fully safe with him. How did I ever let my heart go that far?
Guess it doesn't matter. It's over. I'm on the mend and trying to stay out of trouble. The odd thing is I'm sitting here on the beanbag in the middle of the room at the office, while he's working at his desk. Yes, Latin Lover and I are hanging out tonight. I'm not sure how to feel about our friendship. It means a lot to me. Sometimes I feel like it's unhealthy but I think because we work together, it's what I need to make it through it I guess. I'm not sure. We'll see what the next two months bring. He is planning on proposing to his girlfriend of 8 years. So more power to him.
I just know there is someone out there... Someone that will love me for me. My laughing too much, my insecurities, me on my good days and me on my bad days. Someone will want to spend every waking minute with me. Someday... Someone out there will love me. And I don't mean that to sound sad. It's actually very hopeful. I am genuinely content and looking forward to when that person (whoever, wherever he is) comes into my life.
For now I'm going to keep myself out of trouble and continue to grow as a person. I've done a lot of personal reflection in the last couple of months. I've been disturbed by my own behavior and I knew there was something wrong about it... Now that I'm on the right path I can hold my head up higher. It's a good feeling.
I'm not sure how long it will be before I post again. But for now... Goodnight.
