Welp... The Obsession continues...
Yesterday we had a conversation about Our Purpose. That's one thing I'll say about him. He does continue to draw me in. I want to chat but I never force conversations. Yesterday, I went over to ask a quick question and he was like "come join us, we're talking about deep stuff. What's your purpose in life?" We ended up talking for like an hour about our God given purposes. I found out a lot about his beliefs. And I think for the first time I saw a side of him I wasn't drawn to. The *first* time! He does have some faith. He was raised Jehovah Witness but converted to Christianity. But he still holds to some of the Jehovah Witness beliefs. Yet it seems he doesn't take faith very seriously. He believes being a good person is your role in life. Clearly with this conversation we talked about my faith, my history in a Christian home. His partner and I have very similar beliefs, so he was happy that I came in at that moment to share my purpose because it was in line with what he was trying to share with him. My Obsession believes we don't have a purpose, that we are just here to live the best life we can live, that nothing is orchestrated. In some respects I agree, but in others I strongly disagreed with him. Either way it was a rather interesting conversation.
So a couple items of note. I sent out an email to all the local people who commute to work and let them have my number in case they needed a ride or anything. He was the only one to reply and gave me his personal cell number. Not even his work one.
One of our conversations I mentioned that I had a hard time saying "no" and he teased me by asking for cookies but said he wouldn't be back in the office until a week later. I told him "no" and we laughed. But I actually did make him cookies, but I was also asked by someone else so I felt it could work without looking like I did it *just* for him. When I gave them to him, he didn't fully recall our conversation. Once I reminded him he remembered and laughed and I made sure to indicate he wasn't the only person that asked for them.
We talked about him journalling once, I bought him a journal and I can't seem to get myself to give it to him. It seems like an inappropriate gift for a married woman to give a married man. So I have it hidden away in my desk. I don't know that I'll ever give it to him.
He hates spiders but is ok with snakes. His 13 year old is afraid of his lizard. His kids are his everything. Jehovah Witnesses don't believe in blood transfusions or giving birthday gifts, when it comes to his kids, he doesn't care, he will do either. He's lived in my area since the late 90's. He rode dirt bikes. He has 3 brothers, one passed away last year. His older brother is the problem child. We mentioned something about our marriages being different then when we first got married, and he said under his breath that his wife is bugging him, and him and his partner started laughing so I think there was some kind of inside joke they had discussed previously.
I do find that he doesn't recall most of our conversations, which leads me to believe he's just not that interested in what I'm saying. I cling to every word he says, which makes me feel foolish. And I noticed his wall calendar shows his projects/schedule. He will be at an off site location next week when I will be. Kind of excited about that for some reason. What will make me laugh is I never see him, would serve me right.
Friday, April 20, 2018
Wednesday, April 11, 2018
Obsession somewhat subsided
So my obsession seems to be getting more manageable. I have my moments. Then there's the moments I can't help.
I baked cookies for a coworkers retirement pot luck, made an extra few for his area (as it seems I spend a good amount of time there as well as in my area... I wonder why? lol). ;) He was the first to be in the office so I gave them to him and told him there was enough for everyone to have 2 each. He said chocolate chip cookies are his downfall. I bragged mine up and told him once he had my cookies he'd agree. Sure enough he was curious as to how I made them so well. How they were soft yet yummy. I shared how I just follow the recipe but the way I mix it is different. In the end he said he'd make me his cookies and try my tips and let me see how they fare.
Now that I know we're in neighboring cities I wonder if we'll ever run into each other. I don't think so if we haven't already but the thought pops into my head from time to time when I'm out and about.
Well I'm off for now. I may decide to add more later.
It's a new day. I almost got to see him today, maybe... I'm working the local office though. Which I'm happy about. I don't exactly feel attractive in my current outfit. My hair is pulled up. Once my mom told me I don't look as pretty with my hair pulled up and it's made a big impact on me. I pull it up when I don't care what I look like, or if I want to be comfortable (which was today's reasoning, aside from the fact that I didn't think I'd be going down to my current office and I haven't washed my hair in 3 days, 3rd day's always the toughest to get through, without dry shampoo which I'm running low on). Yet I've had multiple compliments on my hair pulled up, they don't make as much of an impact as my mom's statement once. Or maybe it was my husband as well. I think my mom was the first person to say it, and my husband has reiterated that he prefers my hair down, or half up and the back down.
Aside from the concern he might see me the way I look today, I have wondered if he's noticed my absence. And wondered how often I'd get to see him at my new assignment when the transfer is complete. It'll be tough to move on. I'm not as comfortable here. But I'm sure if this was my permanent location I'd make more of an effort to get to know the people around me.
So I can't fully say my obsession is an "out of sight out of mind" type situation these days but it ebbs. Though knowing I should have seen him today is buggin me.
I finally talked to my sister about it. She made me feel less silly. She said it proves I'm not dead. lol I think I'm still surprised by my reaction to someone like this. Someone in person. I've had inappropriate moments with Colorado now and again but that's all but died out even in friendship. He seems to have completely shut down. Which I guess is healthy. But I'm not physically drawn to Colorado. For him, it's a companionship. Something a little more unhealthy in some ways. But it's so far from what it was I no longer feel anything between us. Is that the what my Obsession will end up being when I move away? When I'm no longer in such close proximity? I mean I will see him from time to time for now, but what happens when his role changes within the department? I guess my best friend is right, I need to transfer, get my head on straight. I have 30 minutes...
One of the moments I haven't brought up was the time I caught him just watching me. He was at my desk, I was in with my boss not knowing anyone was listening to our conversation, I sensed someone's eyes and he was just staring, and I apologized that I didn't realize someone needed me. We stood next to each other and I felt the electricity as we worked together on a project, discussing it, trying to put our individual information together to make sense with the others. I remember being close. Hyper aware of his arm touching mine.
I remember the very first time I talked to him, maybe even noticed him. I was going through his department writing out names and he asked what I was doing. I remember thinking, damn, he's a good lookin guy. I remember seeing him at a potluck, I want to say the Christmas one, and I kept looking at him and he seemed oblivious to me at all. ....
My Carpool buddy has made a couple comments that make me think she's trying to help me see he's not ever interested in any women aside from his wife. Or she's brought up the fact that there is no man that hasn't thought about having sex with every single woman he's worked with. Again two completely separate conversations but make me think... lol
Yep Obsession seems like a good term for him. *sigh* I'm in high school all over again.
I baked cookies for a coworkers retirement pot luck, made an extra few for his area (as it seems I spend a good amount of time there as well as in my area... I wonder why? lol). ;) He was the first to be in the office so I gave them to him and told him there was enough for everyone to have 2 each. He said chocolate chip cookies are his downfall. I bragged mine up and told him once he had my cookies he'd agree. Sure enough he was curious as to how I made them so well. How they were soft yet yummy. I shared how I just follow the recipe but the way I mix it is different. In the end he said he'd make me his cookies and try my tips and let me see how they fare.
Now that I know we're in neighboring cities I wonder if we'll ever run into each other. I don't think so if we haven't already but the thought pops into my head from time to time when I'm out and about.
Well I'm off for now. I may decide to add more later.
It's a new day. I almost got to see him today, maybe... I'm working the local office though. Which I'm happy about. I don't exactly feel attractive in my current outfit. My hair is pulled up. Once my mom told me I don't look as pretty with my hair pulled up and it's made a big impact on me. I pull it up when I don't care what I look like, or if I want to be comfortable (which was today's reasoning, aside from the fact that I didn't think I'd be going down to my current office and I haven't washed my hair in 3 days, 3rd day's always the toughest to get through, without dry shampoo which I'm running low on). Yet I've had multiple compliments on my hair pulled up, they don't make as much of an impact as my mom's statement once. Or maybe it was my husband as well. I think my mom was the first person to say it, and my husband has reiterated that he prefers my hair down, or half up and the back down.
Aside from the concern he might see me the way I look today, I have wondered if he's noticed my absence. And wondered how often I'd get to see him at my new assignment when the transfer is complete. It'll be tough to move on. I'm not as comfortable here. But I'm sure if this was my permanent location I'd make more of an effort to get to know the people around me.
So I can't fully say my obsession is an "out of sight out of mind" type situation these days but it ebbs. Though knowing I should have seen him today is buggin me.
I finally talked to my sister about it. She made me feel less silly. She said it proves I'm not dead. lol I think I'm still surprised by my reaction to someone like this. Someone in person. I've had inappropriate moments with Colorado now and again but that's all but died out even in friendship. He seems to have completely shut down. Which I guess is healthy. But I'm not physically drawn to Colorado. For him, it's a companionship. Something a little more unhealthy in some ways. But it's so far from what it was I no longer feel anything between us. Is that the what my Obsession will end up being when I move away? When I'm no longer in such close proximity? I mean I will see him from time to time for now, but what happens when his role changes within the department? I guess my best friend is right, I need to transfer, get my head on straight. I have 30 minutes...
One of the moments I haven't brought up was the time I caught him just watching me. He was at my desk, I was in with my boss not knowing anyone was listening to our conversation, I sensed someone's eyes and he was just staring, and I apologized that I didn't realize someone needed me. We stood next to each other and I felt the electricity as we worked together on a project, discussing it, trying to put our individual information together to make sense with the others. I remember being close. Hyper aware of his arm touching mine.
I remember the very first time I talked to him, maybe even noticed him. I was going through his department writing out names and he asked what I was doing. I remember thinking, damn, he's a good lookin guy. I remember seeing him at a potluck, I want to say the Christmas one, and I kept looking at him and he seemed oblivious to me at all. ....
My Carpool buddy has made a couple comments that make me think she's trying to help me see he's not ever interested in any women aside from his wife. Or she's brought up the fact that there is no man that hasn't thought about having sex with every single woman he's worked with. Again two completely separate conversations but make me think... lol
Yep Obsession seems like a good term for him. *sigh* I'm in high school all over again.
Tuesday, April 03, 2018
Obsessing
So... I'm obsessing. One way to help me get away from obsessing is to talk about it; realize how foolish I sound and move on. Yesterday's rant didn't seem to help. But I'm here to try to look at this in a different perspective.
I try talking to my best friend. I've even asked her perspective. At first she just laughed and said she's been there. Then it was... you need to get transferred. lol I've noticed the last couple times I've brought him up she doesn't even acknowledge it. So I've stopped sharing and I think it's made it my own little secret so it's staying at the forefront of my mind. I need to change that.
Yesterday was the first day my thoughts of him came home with me. Normally it's been an out of sight out of mind kind of situation. Yesterday I kept reliving the touches, the laughter, the looks. I keep thinking his ability to grab my hands, hold my wrist, pull me over to a conversation seemed so intimate and natural yet I would never expect that from anyone, let alone someone I'm obsessed with. I realize he must just be that way. It must just be his personality. I didn't see him draw anyone else in... But that doesn't mean it's not his way.
We've had more interactions recently. Conversations about random stuff. Jokes about his wife's cooking (baking rice krispy treats, asking what side of the bread to butter for grilled cheese sandwiches lol). That they've been married 17 years. His daughters issues with her Spanish hairiness (part of the conversation he brought me into yesterday and why he grabbed my hands). She's a sophomore in high school. Explaining that the reason he's out of the office recently is because he's teaching classes. Finding out I'm a photographer saying he hopes to see my work up in my new office and surprised he hadn't seen my work up at my current office, I explained knowing I'm leaving made me hesitate on bringing any in, him making it clear he'll be visiting me at my new office and wanting to see my work up by then. Talking about one of the girls who's currently doing my job waiting for me to move to my new assignment, who I considered to be my size and he finally realized who I was talking about by asking if she had a larger behind. Talking about the health issues we've been dealing with with my father-in-law. The break-in at our place a few years back. How we live in neighboring cities, dealing with the same commute. How he listens to comedians on the way in to start his day out right. How he thought I did pretty good backing into my spot (thanks to my hubby). My carpool buddy. How my new commute will be amazing. Our hours. These things were brought out in the last week.
There was a time in our past that my best friend brought out the fact that we always seemed to get closer to the people we wanted to get to know. I agree. It feels like he's a person I want to know, and am getting to know. I honestly *want* to be his friend. But there's another side that knows that's dangerous. My mind has had flashes of inappropriate moments. I also know it's silly to think he's as attracted to me as I am to him. He is a good looking guy though. Damn... he's a good looking guy.
I try talking to my best friend. I've even asked her perspective. At first she just laughed and said she's been there. Then it was... you need to get transferred. lol I've noticed the last couple times I've brought him up she doesn't even acknowledge it. So I've stopped sharing and I think it's made it my own little secret so it's staying at the forefront of my mind. I need to change that.
Yesterday was the first day my thoughts of him came home with me. Normally it's been an out of sight out of mind kind of situation. Yesterday I kept reliving the touches, the laughter, the looks. I keep thinking his ability to grab my hands, hold my wrist, pull me over to a conversation seemed so intimate and natural yet I would never expect that from anyone, let alone someone I'm obsessed with. I realize he must just be that way. It must just be his personality. I didn't see him draw anyone else in... But that doesn't mean it's not his way.
We've had more interactions recently. Conversations about random stuff. Jokes about his wife's cooking (baking rice krispy treats, asking what side of the bread to butter for grilled cheese sandwiches lol). That they've been married 17 years. His daughters issues with her Spanish hairiness (part of the conversation he brought me into yesterday and why he grabbed my hands). She's a sophomore in high school. Explaining that the reason he's out of the office recently is because he's teaching classes. Finding out I'm a photographer saying he hopes to see my work up in my new office and surprised he hadn't seen my work up at my current office, I explained knowing I'm leaving made me hesitate on bringing any in, him making it clear he'll be visiting me at my new office and wanting to see my work up by then. Talking about one of the girls who's currently doing my job waiting for me to move to my new assignment, who I considered to be my size and he finally realized who I was talking about by asking if she had a larger behind. Talking about the health issues we've been dealing with with my father-in-law. The break-in at our place a few years back. How we live in neighboring cities, dealing with the same commute. How he listens to comedians on the way in to start his day out right. How he thought I did pretty good backing into my spot (thanks to my hubby). My carpool buddy. How my new commute will be amazing. Our hours. These things were brought out in the last week.
There was a time in our past that my best friend brought out the fact that we always seemed to get closer to the people we wanted to get to know. I agree. It feels like he's a person I want to know, and am getting to know. I honestly *want* to be his friend. But there's another side that knows that's dangerous. My mind has had flashes of inappropriate moments. I also know it's silly to think he's as attracted to me as I am to him. He is a good looking guy though. Damn... he's a good looking guy.
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