I'm seeing someone. He's a really amazing guy. I would say we started talking in late October but met mid-September. Sometimes I wonder if things with Latin Lover had to end so I could be open to the idea of this guy. Yet, even now, having fallen for Boyfriend-like Creature as I call him, I'm still drawn to Latin Lover. I guess there was more of a connection between us than either of us realized.
Latin Lover and I didn't talk for a good couple of months. But we finally had a breakthrough conversation November 17, and yet two months later he still barely even acknowledges my existence. I'm not quite sure what his issue is. The talk went really well! I found out that everything I've been feeling was true. He cares a lot about me and that the distance was really hard on him.
With all the talk and how things have so slowly progressed I feel like there must still be too much between us. I can tell because I get nervous when I think about him knowing about Boyfriend-like Creature. It took me forever to let Boyfriend-like Creature stop by my work where people could see him. One: because Latin Lover hated me bringing in people to the office. Two: Because I didn't want my Boyfriend-like Creature meeting Latin Lover. That in itself makes me wonder if I'm ready to be in a relationship. Last night as Boyfriend-like Creature and I were shopping he told me he thinks he saw Latin Lover. My heart stopped... He told me it was when he stopped by my work. He saw Latin Lover watch us through the reflection. I felt sad. Worried about what Latin Lover felt.
This is where my heart isn't sure what to feel. I desperately want to talk to Latin Lover and part of me doesn't know how wise that is. He treated me like I was the plague earlier this week and sometimes I wonder what I do to push him away. Part of me wonders if his feelings get more intense so he pushes harder. I invited him to the play I'm putting on tonight, a couple weeks ago I told him how much I'd appreciate him coming and he said he would try, yet with how he's treated me this week he won't show up. If he does, I would seriously faint! I have decided if he doesn't show up and is at the office when I get done I will stop by. Ok so the decision isn't made but I'm mulling it over.
Anyways going back to him treating me like the plague, it really got to me, to the point that it ruined my day. This concerns me. I've always been a people pleaser, part of me feels like I can explain it away with that. But, for obvious reasons, Latin Lover affects me in a deeper way. And this bothers me, especially since Boyfriend-like Creature is now in my life.
So lets focus on the positive aspect of Boyfriend-like Creature. He's amazingly sweet, caring, giving and all that usually makes me gag about romance. He's a romantic to such an extreme that sometimes I find myself annoyed or thinking he's gotta be fake! Yet, he's gone to my church for 5 or so weeks even though I'm not in the service and busy with play practice. He's shown spiritual growth on his own without any prodding from me. He gave his life to Christ December 12th. I asked my parents if they had any concerns and specifically requested to have their blessing before pursuing an official relationship with Boyfriend-like Creature. I've gotten their approval to move forward but not an official green-light but more like a yellow-light. It's odd to move forward with a relationship seeking my parents approval being 33 years old but considering how many times I've screwed up and this isn't a light decision I wanted their blessing.
I have all but to make it official. I planned on doing something cute on Christmas Eve but he's been pressuring me to do that to the point that I got frustrated about him pressuring me into doing what I already had planned that it made me not want to do it that way... I'm still frustrated. Even last night and today I'm still annoyed with the fact that he kept pushing and pushing and it made the surprise no longer fun or exciting. So I guess I'm gonna have to wait for another plan. Because right now it doesn't feel right to make it a Christmas present. Part of me wonders if I'm being a spoiled brat not to want to do what I was planning just because he keeps suggesting it without knowing it was part of my plan.
When I'm with him I get lost in my emotions for him. I really do care about him. Even love him. But his speed almost scares me. He was fighting telling me he loved me within weeks of us showing a mutual attraction. I think I'm going to surprise him Thursday and ask him to be my actual boyfriend. I wanted to do something silly like have a gift tag on me that says "Would you be my boyfriend?" With checkboxes for Yes and No... But knowing his playfulness he's select "no" which for some reason would bug me. Or maybe I should just ask him outright. I'm already on edge about taking this step. I'm apparently scared to death of commitment! Who knew? I guess thats why I always go after the unavailable men.
I wish I felt better about things.
