I've been back and forth about Obsession since Tuesday.
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Ok so it's Thursday, my Friday before vacation... I'm in a much better place mentally than yesterday.
Tuesday was an interesting interaction with Obsession. It was short. And I had the opportunity to see him Wednesday as well and because of the Tuesday interaction I didn't want to chance leaving another ending until I return. And it seriously wasn't that great a moment but it meant something to me.
Here's the thing. I have no idea if he even notices my absence. I find him talking more and more about another girl in the department who is more attractive and has a good body. I am a nobody. I make him smile. I feed his ego or I have in the past. Recently it seems less stroked. lol Yet... something tells me I make an impact on him. He seems happy to see me.
He noticed my glasses right away. I forgot to change out of my computer glasses to my every day glasses from one office to the other. I was rushed. I can use the computer glasses but not for long distances. Either way, the way he looked at me... It was surprising. I have low self esteem so it's hard for me to read into a guys' reactions but if I didn't know any better I'd say he was noticing me in an attracted way. We had another guy from my office with me and I could tell he was filtering somehow. He commented on how my other glasses don't have the bottom portion. That's pretty attentive. He said they looked good.
I was rushed to get to a meeting so there wasn't our usual time to chat. And I felt a difference in how he talks to me when it's just me. With our coworker there he seemed pulled back. I had thought they were friends so I was surprise by his somewhat guarded behavior. But I felt like my coworker wanted to leave. When I said goodbye, he hugged me, told me to take lots of pictures at my vacation and share when I get back. But again it was the look on his face, the eye contact, that felt like there was more on his mind. It's possible I read into it. But the moment left me feeling it was a great way to leave before vacation. I've been tempted to email him and another part tells me it's not worth it.
Part of me feels like this is a close friendship... Another part feels like it's such a waste to focus on someone that doesn't give back much at all. I compliment him. He has never once admitted to finding me attractive in any way. Other than he considers us friends, and that he enjoys our chats. Though there was a conversation where he said he was surprised at how bold I was, how easy it was to tell him some of the stuff I do and that he could never do that. Maybe his own way of saying he doesn't have that boldness? Obviously I'm not repulsive to him... But sometimes I wish he did tell me I mattered to him. But of course, that would just open up a whole can of worms. So alas... I'm a fool thinking foolish thoughts, over analyzing everything. On that note... lol
