My Life as I know it...

My life as I know it is about to change. Right now I'm at home packing to move to a place we haven't even found yet. We have to be out of our current place in the next couple weeks and we haven't found a place open to us yet. I know they say that faith isn't faith if you can see it. Well I can honestly say I cannot see what God is going to do in this situation. I just drove by a place that we're praying that we get. It's a cute place and one of the nicer ones that we've seen for the price. It has a lot of character and I hate to say, seeing it has made me put my hopes in it. I know we can lay claim on things in the name of Jesus but who's to say He wants us to have it? So I'm holding to the fact that God is for us and not against us. He will provide a place, whether it's this place or not. I need to make sure that I don't put so much hope in this place, and then have it turn out not to be the one God has for us.

Change - Who knows what's happening next!?

I just finished a meeting with the elders of the church and the leaders in my ministry. It has gone to a whole new direction and just may be what I've been looking for. A way to work in the lives of the people involved and build relationships on a closer level. A higher level. I must say I am really excited but nervous too. It will again require a lot of my time which I don't have a lot of at the moment. But if it's God's will then as the bible says He won't give me more then I can handle.

Goodnight

Loneliness

So I think I can tell why single women can get caught up with married men. I recently had a man suddenly show me attention. So much so that it became obvious from one social event to the next of his attraction. I had never given him more then a glance because he was married. But this one moment where he made it a point to come over and speak my name and joked about his baby boy taking after him as a flirt. I mean it was harmless talk but something in his look made me notice. And from that point on every time I saw him I noticed that he'd gotten bolder and bolder to come and speak to me. And today was no exception. I saw him this morning and he grabbed onto my hand when I said my hellos. Little touches, carresses on my back, things that married men don't usually do to other women besides their wife. I was a bit uncomfortable this morning and even wondered if I had been giving wrong signals. I mean I was/am flattered, but also bewildered. I kept my distance the rest of the morning. This evening I saw him again, but this time I noticed that I had wanted to look extra nice. I mean it felt good to have a man notice me. But how sad. He's a married man! How desperate does that make me? So this is where I can see how single girls can get involved with married men. They like the attention. As I did. But at this point, it proved a point that I want to keep my distance and will keep my distance. Once I realized I was primping, I knew I had a problem. So here I am feeling foolish.

A lot of change

This week has been full of change. I knew a new chapter in my life was coming but I did not realize the magnatude of the changes. I am now considering stepping down from my ministry to focus on my relationship with God. I spoke to my dad about it and he confirmed in my heart that this is a wise decision and not based wholey on emotions. I am not walking away from ministry as in helping someone when they ask for it, but ministry as in my full time ministry. I feel I need to go back to my roots. Get my relationship with God right. Focus on him and not being so busy. It's odd because people always say you can fill your life up with good things and it is true. My ministry is a good thing, but at this stage in my life I'm not so sure anymore. So who knows if I will ever get back into my ministry? I feel strongly that I will but after some time.

I also feel that my current job that I didn't like is now becoming fulfilling again. Which is odd. I thought I was supposed to quit and work for my relative full time. Right now, I work for my relative only part time and on my time. I don't get paid because I'm trying to help him out. Well I've realized that this is taking too much out of me. So I'm talking with him to pray about a decision that we should both make by Christmas. I am wanting to know whether or not he feels that this is the right thing for him too. I want it to be a God-based decision. Though I know in my heart the moment I told my relative and he took it well was a huge sign that this is a step in the right direction.

I have been feeling overwhelmed lately with life and being busy. I finally broke down during a conversation/arguement with my dad. The things he had to tell me were painful truths about my life and how I live it. And though some of what he said hurt, I knew it was the truth. I won't go into detail about what was said that hurt but I will explain the outcome.

Bottom line: I haven't been running my life, my life has been running me.

So from now on I'm taking my life back. I've decided to work towards going back to school, which has been a long time dream of mine. I've just been so busy with other things I've never done anything about it. So I've missed January registration, so I'm going to try for Fall. This will give me enough time to put together some financial stability for it. I have always wanted my BA but got too busy after I got my AA, which I always viewed as halfway there. Where is there? I don't exactly know, but I have always wanted to continue my education. I love college, and I love learning, so we will have to wait and see. I'm older so it'll be a little different. My friends, or some not even my friends that are my age have gotten their BA's and I admire them. It's not that I feel that you are something with a BA, but it is just always something I wanted for myself. So I look up to people who have accomplished a goal I have yet to accomplish.

There are many more things but I must get going.

I'm not always going to be profound

There are moments when I wonder how my life would be if I had made different choices. Would I be married, with kids, watching over the household affairs? Well even if my friends all around me are married or getting married, I don't know that I've ever been quite ready for that part of life. I fear getting so old that I won't be able to enjoy that life. And the family always tells me, the right one will come along before you know it. But what if the right one was right there? Well even I know that wasn't the case. I know God spoke to me about how he wasn't the right one. It's part of the reason we broke up. Part of the reason? Ok so the whole reason. Something hit me one night, why am I not waiting for a man that is the spiritual leader of a home? Why am I settling for someone that's not quite sure how he feels about giving his life to Jesus and pronouncing him as his Lord and Savior? I remember after my first serious relationship and how there was a moment when I was riding in a car and just enjoying the view and it hit me that some day... I would fall in love again... Well right now I'm at the stage right before that day... I'm still in love with my ex and haven't gotten to the point of knowing I was no longer in love and would be in love someday in the future.

I know God is a God of love, so will he forgive me that I chose a man that did not make the decision to walk after God? Sometimes I think I fret so much about the sins in my life but all God just really wants from me is to go to him. Nothing more... But to just go to Him and not worry so much about life, love and where my walk is. I know I'm a sinner and saved by grace. I can't compare myself to others and say well look at what they did from what I've done, my life is better or worse then theirs!

I feel like such a hypocrit sometimes. Being a Christian and not living the life that I know that Jesus requires of me. Being a Christian and having a life not much different then someone else who doesn't even know what being a Christian is all about. Having given my purity to my last boyfriend, I don't feel set apart from anyone else. I took pride in being able to save myself from a very tempting sin. It just so happened I hadn't been with someone that I truly sexually desired in that way. I haven't had the self control that I should have been able to show. Sex is wonderful and God made it to be between a husband and a wife and not just a man and a woman. And of course growing up I was always told to save myself for my husband. Now I understand why. :-\ Unfortunately, now knowing this doesn't help the fact that I now don't have my virginity to offer my future husband. What was I thinking? I wasn't. I was caught up in the moment of desire and lust. I felt completely open and free and I wanted it even though maybe a little part of me knew it was wrong, the desire overtook me. Now I know how everyone else felt.

Well I must sleep...

An explanation

I have chosen to start this blog in the concept that this will be a truly open medium to express my views on life, love and Christianity without the use of names and places. I ran across another blog that intrigued me, and it was the same concept. A man just wanting to express his thoughts on the women in his life, baring all, and as chauvanistic as he may have been sometimes I truly envied his ability to be completely honest. So this is the reason for the start of "Cladestine: Kept or done in secret...". I have another blog that has now become read quite frequently and I have found that I cannot truly open up and be myself for fear of what others may think. I know that is not the correct way of looking at things but in fact there were people that could get hurt reading my thoughts. So this way I can truly be honest without anyone knowing who I am. I have people that read my other blog that do not know my life or what I've really done that either I'm ashamed of or they just wouldn't understand. I dislike having to rethink everything that I say. I don't really want be critized or ridiculed, I just want to send this out into the void as a way of releasing it. I will be brutally honest here, no holding back. I will explain the REAL me. And if it's rediculed, well you don't know me and I don't know you and it won't affect our friendship.

That's all for now.

A new beginning

So here it is... My secret blog. We'll see how it works.