The "Rona" got me!

The Rona - So I was quarantined for 10 days with minimal symptoms. I only tested because I felt a little off and my sister came back positive. I had no fever, a pretty bad headache and lost my sense of smell for a couple of days but otherwise ok. My Husband Creature came back positive as well. He felt like he was getting a sinus infection which he gets almost annually. My Stinker Creature had a low grade fever for a couple days and a headache but otherwise he was bouncing off the walls. It was tough not leaving the house for my Starbucks runs or getting out there and doing Christmas shopping. My Husband Creature got hit the worst. But he kind of did it to himself. He stopped eating and drinking for almost 5 days. I kept telling him he needed to eat to keep up his strength and we got into it a couple of times, him telling me to back off so I finally just let him do what he was going to do with less sympathy than if he was sick and was trying to stay hydrated and eat. lol But we survived and our marriage is still intact! I came back to work this week. Thankfully right before the holidays so I have a couple short weeks ahead of me to get back into the swing of things. 

Obsession - I saw him for the first time in weeks yesterday since I have been quarantined. I had emailed him a couple times through our work email. He'd respond right away and keep the conversation going asking questions, though I kept my distance. I do so good for a time, and then the day before I am scheduled to see him I start dreaming about him. Ugh... I had a dream Monday night. It was intimate and somewhat realistic and yet completely unrealistic. I think the problem for me is that I still feel strongly that the friendship is one-sided. Or that all the effort is one-sided. If I stopped reaching out he'd not make the effort to respond. I wonder sometimes if he'd ever reach out if I stopped. Every time I feel like testing it, I end up giving in too quickly and reaching out for some reason or other. It's just my nature. 

Though I keep going back to the day I finally shared all this. I told him I was wondering why he asked me if I missed him and didn't respond. I told him it made me insecure about our friendship. That it's like I'm just his ego booster. Then I felt extremely weird with how that all came out and then my boss walked up to our conversation and I was forced to leave it hanging out there said, without a response or any chance of a reaction. So I called him on my way home to "fix" the weirdness and it got weirder. I told him how I felt the friendship was one-sided. He gets complimented, gets cookies, and I'm left with ... "Did you miss me?" And to this moment I can't get over how he replied. He said he was sorry he didn't respond and of course he missed me and that's why he always asked where I'd been hiding whenever he felt like it had been a while since I reached out. That was his way of telling me he missed me. Then he just said it, "I'm sorry I should have just told you. Of course I missed you." And then his voice got hushed... "I have to be careful, especially around here" and I asked  him to explain and... he just repeated the statement like that's all he could say. So I moved on... Told him I knew I was being silly and it shouldn't matter. He said "it matters, that's why I'm taking the time to talk about it." 

Since then conversations have been basic. Nothing too intense or intimate. When I saw him yesterday I was pleasantly surprised he immediately stood up to give me a hug. I even said I wasn't sure if he'd avoid me because of my germs and he said he'd have as much of a chance getting the Rona from Walmart. It was nice to chat, but never long enough. I always enjoy our chats. I had to rush off. I specifically went to his office first to drop off Christmas presents. I had a lot of exhausting work to do at the other office and I couldn't guarantee I would look "fresh" if I stopped by afterwards. lol I just gave him a small box of cookies. And I gave one of his coworkers an actual gift, he said if it's perishable she wouldn't be back till after the new year, I said, oh no, it's not perishable. He seemed surprised. 

At times I wonder, how do I even think we're friends? And other times I wonder how do I ever doubt we're close? I gave his entire unit something little to "brighten your day" and he taped up the card with the other photos that he likes. I just don't know how to feel. I mean friends is one thing. But that whole conversation about missing each other kind of threw it into a new level of friendship only because of how it was expressed. But again, I overanalyze EVERYTHING. Especially with him... I should probably take a chill pill lol Anyways... it's the end of the day for me. I won't see him for another couple of weeks since he'll be off till after the holidays. Though he did hint that he may come down next week after all. Guess I'll have to see if he shows up...

Merry Christmas! 

I'm feeling odd

I have a lot of emotions going through my brain this morning. Partly because I didn't sleep well, and partly because I don't feel what I think I am supposed to feel about Obsession. I feel like there is nothing inappropriate about our friendship. But my best friend seems to feel differently. She seemed irritated with me with the last events that took place and kind of laid me out for them. And I still, trying to look at it her way, am not seeing the problem. Sure he's flirty, so am I. I know I feel like the friendship is more one-sided. I feel like I'm his ego-boost and I don't get much in return. Then there are moments... Moments when I feel like he shares in his own way that my friendship means something to him. My best friend basically said he's a male chauvinist pig who's insecure and needs my ego boosts. She says I'm hurting my marriage. And still, I struggle to see how. 

I haven't seen Obsession in weeks. Not intentionally. He's just been out of his office the last few times when I've been down there. I finally emailed him. He said he was starting to wonder. (Not exactly sure what.) Then I saw him Tuesday. Within seconds he asked if I missed him. I almost didn't catch it, it was kind of under his breath. Of course said yes, but kept the conversation going. Now I wish I would have asked him in return. We caught up for about 20 minutes. Sometimes I wonder if the vibe I get from him is true or my own imagination. My irritation is that it feels so one-sided. I email him, he doesn't typically reach out to me. He always seems eager when I do though. 

Looking back through the last few email threads, there have been a lot of fun interactions. But again I know where my heart is at. I'm no longer as obsessive. And my marriage is doing really well! 

But lately, probably because I've been pushing myself too hard and not getting much me-time, I'm feeling low. Not really myself. To be honest, I'm either pregnant or going through pre-menopause. lol My periods have been a little off the last couple of months. Part of me wants to take a pregnancy test to be safe. My parents are having a yard sale and I'm getting rid of all my baby stuff and it would be ironic if I found out I was pregnant after the fact. Maybe I'll grab a test today and just take it to be safe. Goodness it would be overwhelming to be pregnant that this stage in life. 

Oh and hunkofbabe now shows as single of Facebook. Still irritates me that he deleted me after adding him. Not sure why he deleted me. He added my sister and that annoyed the crap out of me lol Oh well. And I've been curious about Colorado more lately. He's been updating his profile pic on facebook quite a bit. Looks like he's living his best life. I'm happy for him. Ex and I have chatted off and on for a while now. Most of the time the conversations are on the surface. Nothing too intense. I find that I reach out when I'm feeling needy or lonely or wanting attention which makes me nervous. So I go weeks without communicating to keep the distance. I really don't know why. He's not attractive. Not a draw. He doesn't compliment me. I'm weird. 

Anyways, back to Obsession. He's off today because his wife is having a procedure done to check on a mass. I can imagine his concern. Makes me want to reach out. But after my conversation with my best friend I feel I need to keep my distance. Even if I'm not sure that it's all bad. If an outsider is looking at our friendship as inappropriate I need to really take heed and be cautious. I love my husband and we've been doing so well for the last year and a half almost two years now! And I thank God for that! Well I have to get going... 

Quite a change

So Obsession has met my Husband Creature. And... I think they get along well! lol It's not surprising. My Husband Creature is really laid back and personable. And of course, if I enjoy Obsession it's easy to see that my Husband Creature would get along with him as well. 

I have to say it was completely awkward to have them meet. But once the initial meeting was done, it was easy. Nothing awkward. My Husband Creature is a mechanic and Obsession had some work on his daughters car needed. I knew my Husband Creature could do it. So I gave Obsession my Husband Creatures number a while back and it took a bit but they finally connected and made it happen. 

I'm always so proud of my Husband Creatures abilities and knowledge of working on cars. He's been getting a lot of side work doing that. Obsession asked if he could bring him more work or if Husband Creature even liked doing that kind of work. My Husband Creature said not as a living but for side jobs he's fine doing all car work. He can do bumper to bumper projects. 

The above was written 8/26/20 8:57am

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So I'm kind of mad at Obsession. Like angry. I haven't felt like this in a while but right now, I'm annoyed. The last two years he's made a point to wish me a Happy Birthday. First year he said Happy Birthday in person since I worked in his office. Last year he emailed me Happy Birthday. This year... nothing... It just goes along with everything else I've been feeling lately. Like I've been replaced. He suddenly decided I don't matter. Our conversations have been shorter and shorter. He never has time to chat. When we do, it's just kinda blah... I've noticed lately he seems to be focused on that one girl that comes into his office who is more his type. He seems to look for her. It used to be that he'd be focused on our conversations and not notice her. Or if he did notice he wouldn't interrupt our conversation. Now I feel like I'm just a nuisance. And it makes me sad. I've been avoiding talking about it. I don't want to face reality. I sometimes feel like I'm over-analyzing like I usually do... But it's been too consistent to be just a momentary issue. And it's not enough for me to confront him. He'd think I was crazy. I've thought about teasing him that I've been replaced by the other girl. And honestly I haven't had the opportunity to even bring it up! 

The above was written on 9/8/20 at 11:00am

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I have a lot on the brain

There are so many thoughts running through my head. I'm overwhelmed and tired. Not a good combination. I've been so busy this week and next week I'm on vacation and seriously it can't come fast enough. Tomorrow is my Friday. But I still have so much to do. Friday I have to bake cookies and do laundry. Saturday I have a wedding to shoot. Sunday after church we're leaving. As soon as we have the rental I think it'll feel like it's finally happening. 

I've been back and forth about Obsession since Tuesday. 

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Ok so it's Thursday, my Friday before vacation... I'm in a much better place mentally than yesterday. 

Tuesday was an interesting interaction with Obsession. It was short. And I had the opportunity to see him Wednesday as well and because of the Tuesday interaction I didn't want to chance leaving another ending until I return. And it seriously wasn't that great a moment but it meant something to me. 

Here's the thing. I have no idea if he even notices my absence. I find him talking more and more about another girl in the department who is more attractive and has a good body. I am a nobody. I make him smile. I feed his ego or I have in the past. Recently it seems less stroked. lol Yet... something tells me I make an impact on him. He seems happy to see me. 

He noticed my glasses right away. I forgot to change out of my computer glasses to my every day glasses from one office to the other. I was rushed. I can use the computer glasses but not for long distances. Either way, the way he looked at me... It was surprising. I have low self esteem so it's hard for me to read into a guys' reactions but if I didn't know any better I'd say he was noticing me in an attracted way. We had another guy from my office with me and I could tell he was filtering somehow. He commented on how my other glasses don't have the bottom portion. That's pretty attentive. He said they looked good. 

I was rushed to get to a meeting so there wasn't our usual time to chat. And I felt a difference in how he talks to me when it's just me. With our coworker there he seemed pulled back. I had thought they were friends so I was surprise by his somewhat guarded behavior. But I felt like my coworker wanted to leave. When I said goodbye, he hugged me, told me to take lots of pictures at my vacation and share when I get back. But again it was the look on his face, the eye contact, that felt like there was more on his mind. It's possible I read into it. But the moment left me feeling it was a great way to leave before vacation. I've been tempted to email him and another part tells me it's not worth it. 

Part of me feels like this is a close friendship... Another part feels like it's such a waste to focus on someone that doesn't give back much at all. I compliment him. He has never once admitted to finding me attractive in any way. Other than he considers us friends, and that he enjoys our chats. Though there was a conversation where he said he was surprised at how bold I was, how easy it was to tell him some of the stuff I do and that he could never do that. Maybe his own way of saying he doesn't have that boldness? Obviously I'm not repulsive to him... But sometimes I wish he did tell me I mattered to him. But of course, that would just open up a whole can of worms. So alas... I'm a fool thinking foolish thoughts, over analyzing everything. On that note... lol 

Over-analyzing... again.

So I saw Obsession yesterday. A couple things he said have been repeating in my brain and of course I've been over-analyzing since. 

He has been bringing up more that things remind him of me based on our conversations. There is something that physically happens every time he mentions "I thought about you this weekend because..."

We had a rumor of an active shooter in the office the week before last when I was leaving it was pretty scary. I came into the lobby to find Sheriff's with guns ready coming in to search. I asked if it was safe to get to my car and they told me yes. I got to the car and called my Husband Creature. Then called Obsession with no answer so I called another girl from the office. Obsession brought up the fact that someone told him I called them about it, and he couldn't believe I didn't call him first. lol I told him I had called him first but he didn't answer. So I showed him my phone call history and he saw that sure enough I did call him first. He smirked and said he felt better. And he noticed my Husband Creatures name in my phone is "My Love" and Obsession said, oh I see you tried to call me another couple of times as well. lol 

I went to say goodbye to the other girl in his department and was called back by Obsession and another guy to come to his office again. As I did, he had a fake snake on a string and pulled it as I was walking by and sure enough I freaked and he recorded the whole thing! (though I hated how I looked in the video). I yelped and yelled "You suck!" As I was finally leaving he was smiling huge and his tongue was out because he got me. 

The week before last Obsession asked if my Husband Creature would be interested in working on his daughters car. Freaked me out at first. I was concerned that my Husband Creature would have an issue. I'm still concerned that Husband Creature doesn't know the connection between Obsession and "A LOT has changed." I was very clear on Obsession's name when I gave Husband Creature his number because I have mentioned "Distraction's" last name. And if it comes up I plan to explain that the situation has passed I didn't think it was an issue. But sometimes I wonder if I should bring it up but how would I? Oh btw this is that guy that I found attractive enough to call a distraction at work... Yeah somehow I don't see that coming out in any way without bringing up old wounds. So I have done nothing to pursue it, just put the info out there for Husband Creature and the rest is up to them. 

Been A While...

Things have shifted with Obsession. In a good way. And I'm grateful for it. It's shifted in the past and re-surfaced into a full blown crush so I'm hesitant to say anything but I almost feel that this whole COVID-19 Work At Home situation gave me the space I needed. I still want to talk to him. But when I do, my brain doesn't drift towards the inappropriate. 

....................................................................................

Welp... I knew it wouldn't last long. lol I had a dream about him the night before last. I was left feeling foolish and stupid. Which is how I tend to feel at times when I get done oversharing with him. Either way, the above was written I believe last week. 

We had an interesting conversation yesterday. He was very chatty. Seemingly surprised to see me. All smiles. When we sat down to talk he shared more than usual. Stories about his brother and mom and asking my opinion on if he should feel the way he did. We were clearly on the same page, I'd say something in agreement and he'd be like, "See! So it's not just me!" He was complimentary. I shared how I had a rough visit with my sister. I told him I mentioned a conversation he and I had with her and he was jokingly affronted that I would share our private conversations. He asked if my sister was jealous of my positive nature. I asked him why she'd be jealous of me, that she was the one with the nice new house. He said that you can have nice things but without an upbeat positive attitude it doesn't help much. He said I was bold. And seemed to admire that quality. I could tell he was referring to me being so completely honest with him, about my attraction to him. He says he thinks "Man, I can't believe she admitted that!" (never outright admitting to my acknowledgements) He has brought up a couple times how he's surprised I can be so bold. I always correct him that it's also stupid and he always argues that it isn't stupid he's just never been able to be so bold himself. He seemed surprised I talk to my Ex. He said his wife would never be ok with that. I shared how I had to have a lunch with my Husband Creatures ex and how uncomfortable I was with that until she spoke. lol 

We talked about my journaling. He still has the one I got him, he's only written a couple sentences in it and that he thinks of things to write but when it comes time to sit and write he feels silly. I asked if it's because he keeps thinking someone is going to read it and he agreed that was probably the issue. I told him how I need privacy because of my complete honesty and he asked if I wrote things that shouldn't be read by my husband and if I had a lock on it or anything. I told him no, but that if my Husband Creature read it, there would be a couple entries he wouldn't be happy with. His eyes got wide. I started to share that I have a private blog that I don't share any names and I just label the people I'm talking about. He seemed completely intrigued and ready to ask questions but someone walked in and by the time they left it was time for me to head out. I doubt he'll bring it up again. And if he does I have to be sure NOT to tell him his label lol That would be bad! 

He showed me more photos than usual. He shared how he went riding this last weekend. And hiking another day. He turned to me and we were super close. An intense moment. But again not the electricity I have felt in the past. And listening to that song by Selena Gomez - Fun. It doesn't pull me like it used to. So aside from still having a pull towards him, dreams and anticipation of getting to see him, it does seem my Obsession has toned down a bit. Though not enough for me to be glad about it yet. 

Random Run In

So shockingly I ended up seeing Obsession the night of April 1st at his brothers grave site. It was completely unintentional. I was driving to a store and happened upon the street and something just made me think, fuck it, let's see if I can find it... I drove down looking for crosses and poof he's sitting in his truck right in front of it on the phone. I wanted to stop, I wanted to text, I wanted to honk, something... He was off work a couple of hours early. I flipped around and ended up just texting him. We had our longest text interchange since my dad was in the hospital with his heart attack. I wasn't sure how it was received. I felt silly. I genuinely had no intention of invading his privacy. He seemed to appreciate that I was making an effort to find the spot. I made sure to mention that I didn't realize he would be taking off work early so he knew I wasn't even expecting to see him.

I made a point not to reach out to him again until I found out my work was sending me to "Work At Home" for the next couple of weeks but that I'd still have to go to one office once-a-week. He said he'd be doing the same and said we should coordinate our trips down. I'm gonna be honest. I've obsessed over this statement more than I'd like to admit. Still haven't heard so I'm waiting to see what he'll say or if he'll just be there Tuesday. I can't work overtime for the next few weeks either. So we'll see. I told him I'd for sure be there Tuesday. We'll see if he shows up. I was just surprised he would go out of his way to see me. It felt like the first time he's made me feel like he wants to see me.

So my Ex and I have been chatting on Snapchat. And somehow the conversation turned to all the concerns I had after we broke up and never had the opportunity to ask him about. It was very cathartic! He was complimentary. But nothing too inappropriate. We talked about some sexual stuff but I made sure to keep it on the surface and mentioned that it shouldn't be discussed further. I mean it's so easy to slip back into the flirting stages with an ex. I have to be careful especially after Colorado.

There's really not much more to say about that. But as I look at my last part, why am I so controlled with Ex and not Obsession? *sigh*

"It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine"

My world has been turned upside down with this Coronavirus (COVID-19) pandemic. I am still at work though so thank God for getting paid. I'm nervous if/when they send me home, at this point I wouldn't get paid. It's possible as things progress and I'm selected to stay home they may continue to pay me. But it's unlikely and I know sending me home is inevitable at this point. 

This week has drained me. It started this weekend when I went to the store because we needed groceries. Talk about an unsettling experience! I'm still shook by it. Looking back I can understand why it was so bad in that moment. They had just announced school closures and the parents were making sure they had food for their kids being home. But either way, the shelves being empty was such a crazy site to see! The crowds, the chaos, the lack of necessities... It was all too overwhelming. I was pretty shook after our trips to the store. We started at one store that didn't have anything, and ended up at a higher end more expensive store. We were able to get some beef... 

*The above was written 3/19/20 @ 1:06pm*

So today is an important day for Obsession. His brother passed away 3 years ago today. I made him a card yesterday and was going to interoffice it, but something told me that wasn't ok. So I just called him at his desk this morning. We actually talked more than I expected. He usually wants to get off the phone as quickly as possible. But he seemed to want to chat, asked how I was holding up.  Said he just thought about me this morning because he saw my container I used to give him cookies the last time. We talked a good 15 minutes which for the phone is a record, in person we talk for hours. But I'm the one that shut down the conversation. I didn't want to lose my momentum of sorts. At that point I felt I was a breath of fresh air for his day vs. overstaying my welcomed call. If that makes sense. I told him I'd see him next week. I'm oddly sad that I won't get to see him this week. It's a rare thing not to see him at least once-a-week. 

I kind of miss him, but it's weird. The last time I saw him I felt I overstayed the conversation. It made me want to keep my distance for a bit. That's probably why I felt awkward about the card. Seemed like too much. A call is simple. Not too personal. I felt like he seemed more interested in people walking behind me than our conversation. Especially a girl in another department that seems to fit his physical type. She comes to hang out with the front desk lady in his area. She's beautiful but she's... kind of a ditzy. So it's hard to imagine he'd enjoy her company long term. Looking back though, she's interrupted his focus on more than one occasion. He and I share so much in common its kind of crazy. We share the same morals, even some spiritual similarities, and mostly we agree in how life is, should be and could be. Goes back to me just avoiding him for a while and see how it goes. I need a break from worrying about how he feels about me. Especially when life right now is so unstable!

So I'm still working during this Coronavirus Pandemic. It's odd that some people act like this is being blown out of proportion and others feel like we're all going to die. I'm somewhere in the middle. Not worried about myself, but others that may be impacted if my sickness gets passed on to them. And sometimes I wonder if the massive cold I had in February may have been COVID-19 but we'll never know. I had a dry cough, felt like crap, had a hard time breathing, went to the drs and was told I had bronchitis. I had a rough time in the beginning getting all my necessities but now that I have those, things have been mellow for a couple of weeks. It looks like the stay-at-home order is through the end of this month. And it's most likely kids won't return to school until next school year. Our entire way of life has changed lately. And I can't help but be excited to see the change in families spending more quality time together. Or the churches utilizing apps to allow people to stay connected. I've never been more grateful for Zoom and Marco Polo. lol 

My Husband Creature has really been great. He is doing what he can to help me. At first he seemed to revert back to selfishness until I explained my stress level and he has picked up where he can. He's now helping me go to the stores. We've talked about how things will change once we get our son's school packet and how I'll need his help. I asked him how I can help with him getting breaks, because he's stuck at home almost all the time now, and I at least get out and go to work. He works still part-time. But he hasn't been able to get out to his weekly game. I get the need to get out. And our son is stir-crazy so he's been challenging. My Husband Creature said he didn't feel he could ask me to do more without putting me out more than I already am. We're doing well with trying not to be self-focused and helping each other out.

Either way, life is different and new... I'm sure this event will forever change the way we as a society do things. But for now, just moving forward with what needs to be done. 

*Updated 12:55 pm* 
Weird... It just struck me that I haven't talked to Colorado in over a year! I was curious about him maybe a week ago. I looked him up on Facebook. Nothing really to see. It's crazy how someone that could matter so much suddenly is no longer a major part of my life. Makes me sad to think that Obsession will eventually become one of those people. It would be for the best for sure though. I still think about Colorado, wonder how he's doing now and then. But honestly, just wish him the best. If I lost contact with Obsession he'd probably just miss me for my cookies. lol And no, there is no secondary meaning in that. 

That's Hot

At some point our conversation went to Wonder Woman and I mentioned that Gal Gadot is hot! He agreed and leaned forward and said "it's hot that you say she's hot". lol

We had an interesting chat about his interview for upper management. Though he brought up the fact that he could be my boss some day if he got it. And how awesome it would be to work together every day and how he'd ask for cookies every day, warm cookies and cold milk! lol The thought was a new concept for me. I had never thought about the fact that if he promotes he's in a position to be my direct boss and what that would mean. If he ever did become my direct supervisor I'm not sure how my Husband Creature would feel about that. I don't know how *I* would feel about that! Sigh

It was also brought up that I was taking photos for a lot of our coworker's kids. He mentioned his daughter is graduating this year and he should probably consider getting her photos done. He asked how much I charge and asked to see my recent shoot of our coworkers sons' senior portraits. I showed him. He didn't seem to respond like he thought they were all that good. But he said he would talk to his wife and let me know. My first thought is, if she's not even ok with us texting there is no way she'd hire me to do their daughter's senior photos. But I have to say if it ever came about I'd have to check with Husband Creature and see if he'd be ok with it. Every time I think about it though, I'm convinced Obsession's wife wouldn't even allow it. So I shouldn't have to worry about it. He asked when people usually get them done. I said it's typically the summer before the Senior year but I suggest the latest would be Spring before graduation so they can get their announcements printed up in time. He seemed surprised and happy to get the info. So we'll see.

Another friend from his unit and I were talking about trying to grow our hair out and how cutting it makes it stronger and helps it grow. She started to complain her husband doesn't like it when she cuts her hair. I told her my husband said it's a divorceable offense if I cut my hair. We started to wonder why guys like long hair on women. So we went to Obsession to ask him. I happened in passing to ask if it's about the concept of pulling hair and he said he wasn't much of a hair puller himself. I was surprised because a well placed hair tug could totally get me going, but I didn't go into detail. It was the other girl who brought up that my reaction sounded like I like my hair pulled. I laughed and casually said yes I did. Obsession said he prefers long hair but couldn't tell me why. He just did. But said it wasn't a divorceable offense for him. Then he asked what happens if I get cancer and lose all my hair, would my Husband Creature divorce me? I laughed and realized I need to clarify that with my Husband Creature. lol I'm sure there's a clause that will maintain my marriage if cancer were to cause me to lose my hair.

Feeling stupid for no reason?

So yesterday I had one of those moments... Feeling stupid for no apparent reason...

I saw Obsession. The conversation went fine. He was super sweet as usual. We kept getting interrupted but nothing awkward or horrible happened and yet I left feeling stupid and foolish. Was it because of my obsessive thoughts since his email sharing that he thought I was fun to talk to? Probably. It probably struck me that it was stupid to get all infatuated by that statement. Stupid to think I'm the only person he enjoys talking to. Stupid to think I matter.

So really I think it's just me feeling stupid about how much his email had an impact on me.

He did give me a protein bar for me to try which I thought was sweet of him. It was his favorite kind. Chocolate Brownie Kirkland brand. He asked me about my coloring and where I go. I've often wondered if he'd ever show up there one of these days. He shared that he knows how to play the ukulele and that his one full song is Jason Mraz I'm Yours. I shared that he needed to get comfortable playing it over the next couple of months and perform for me. He said he would if I danced to him playing on Tik Tok. I still don't get Tik Tok. We talked about social media. He got turned off by Facebook because of all the food pics. I shared I'm more of an Instagram user, that I take pics of my art not so much food. Somewhere in there a girl from another unit came through. She talked about Tik Tok and dancing in a tube top. Obsession seemed intrigued. She said her husband wasn't ok if she posted it and Obsession piped up that he agreed, he wouldn't want his wife showing off on Tik Tok. This particular girl is in my opinion really pretty. Maybe there is a part of me that wonders if Obsession thinks she's as fun to talk to?

We talked about him having asthma. How he thinks I have asthma even though I told him the doctor said it was bronchitis. I guess there were a couple of moments where I felt like he wasn't really listening. Normally I feel his full undivided attention and yesterday he seemed distracted. Maybe that's all it was.

Ultimately it was a good day and a good chat. Yet I kept telling myself "Fuck it" yesterday after I left. And I can't quite figure out why? Why am I suddenly so ashamed? Maybe it's the Holy Spirit? Maybe it's my foolishness in my own heart. Danger is prevalent but maybe this is the danger my counselor was talking about.

Interesting Conversations

Yesterday I saw Obsession. We talked for 2 hours and could have kept going but I was already leaving late as it was. The song was brought up. I talked about how great things were with Husband Creature and how we both felt like this was the best year of our marriage. And then I said and then I do stupid things. He said oh like call me a "distraction"? With how horrible his memory was I was shocked he recalled that conversation. And I said that, and admitting what I did that time, and ... the song, that stupid song I never should have shared. He said he laughed. I turned bright red and told him I was embarrassed and he said "Good". lol He said he was going to text me something in the lyrics but decided against it. When I asked him what he said he couldn't remember. But something about the you may not be the one but you look like ... fun. He said that he got a little shy afterwards.  Then after a moment of awkwardness I said, ok... moving on. lol We had a discussion about our beliefs and God and Christianity vs Jehovah Witness. Pretty intense one. I had to find scriptures for him. So I sent them to him in an email this morning. But I asked him a question at the end and got (what I felt was) positive feedback.

Me: ... Also I have to ask… I know I feel like we’re friends but do *you* feel like we’re friends? Lol Or am I just that crazy coworker that gives you an ego boost? ;) 

Obsession: You’re funny, of course I feel like we’re friends. Why would you say that…?And no it’s not “an ego boost”. You’re fun to talk with, I enjoy the discussions. It’s refreshing…it gets slow in the office and hard to focus some times.  

Me: Lol Well good I’m glad. The reason I asked is because I’m an over-sharer… as we’ve established. Lol I lay my sharing cards out on the table and explain each one. You keep your sharing cards closer to your chest. So it’s not as obvious. Sometimes I’m left wondering… lol 

Obsession: You’re a good observer too. Yes, I’m less of a “sharer” I guess. Sorry you’re left wondering, I don’t do it on purpose. That’s probably my downfall, or at least one of them. 

There was more to each message but those are the important points. And points that I just realized have been established for the first time. I mean I always assumed. He always welcomed me with open arms. Draws me in and asks for me to sit and talk with him. I felt like we were friends but I can't text him, call him and rarely get to email him. So that's the odd part, that makes me feel like we're not quite friends.

Anyways, I'm super sick. I'm going home for the day.

I did something stupid... Again

I'm a fool - So it happened... The thoughts came out of my mouth... I knew it was wrong.

... ...

The above was written the day I shared with Obsession that not only was I attracted to him but that a song I recently started listening to reminded me of him. "Fun" by Selena Gomez. I did share it was inappropriate. He asked if he was blushing at one point, touching his face. Meaning it was feeling hot in the face. I didn't see the blushing. I did tell him in such a way as to downplay the attraction. (I recall telling him early in our friendship that he was someone all the girls thought was attractive. That didn't cause him to blush like me telling him I thought it was pretty obvious that I'm attracted to him.)

How it went down was I wanted to share the song, I hesitated and he called me out on my reservations. He said "I see you being calculated in your responses to me". I said it was because what I was thinking was inappropriate. He laughed and said "now we're talking! Do tell Clandestine". That's when my will power unraveled. I had told him I always seemed to overshare with him. He said he'd take that as a compliment. I told him my counselor had a theory about it, and that part was the compliment. I shared that my counselor felt that people share more with people they find attractive, that they somehow feel that person is more trustworthy. He seemed to ponder that but then said he would take the compliment. I think he mentioned blushing at that point. I told him about the song. He confirmed it, multiple times. But never wrote it down. We moved on about other things until he got a call and had to go so I left.

But I was still embarrassed and wondered what the heck I had done. Especially after I left. I was about to email him an apology but my sister (who knew how I felt about him and was the one that introduced me to that song) said it wouldn't be wise. It would make it seem more intense then I intended it to be.

I keep remembering how I swore to my Husband Creature that Obsession had no idea that I was attracted to him last year when he confronted me about the "Distraction". I'm disappointed in myself for going there. Even my counselor told me not to share that information with Obsession because it was dangerous for my marriage.

So yesterday I saw him for the first time since I opened my big fat mouth and I wasn't sure what was in store. I wasn't sure if he'd avoid me. If he'd bring anything up. Or act like I was a distant figure.  Which he has done in the past (mostly after his wife got ticked as us, me for texting, him for making me cookies). Thankfully he was friendly. We didn't get to talk privately but I was actually relieved not to. Though, looking back, he seemed *really* friendly. Made sure to give me a hug, both when I got there and when I left. When he thought I was leaving yelling bye and thank you (I had brought cookies, his favorite). We talked with another girl in the office for quite some time. He had a couple opportunities to walk away from the conversation, he would always stay or come back after being called away. We would be listening to someone talk and he'd respond to what they were saying while looking at me. When I shared an embarrassing blond moment he kept bringing it back into the conversation and teasing me about it.

All-in-all it was the best case scenario. My only prayer is he forgot about the song and all he was left with was the compliment that I was attracted to him. No one would be frustrated by that. Or think too much about it. Based on our conversations I've been clear, things are really great with Husband Creature. So it's not like I went too far aside from the song. I can only hope he forgot, and I'll never have to deal with that embarrassment. I figured if he heard the song he'd have maybe mentioned it. Somehow in code or something. But either way, he didn't seem annoyed or to be avoiding me, quite the opposite. That's the important thing.

Husband Creature and I really have been doing great. Communication. Sex life. Just enjoying each other, spending time together. It's been really nice. So I think that's why I was more frustrated with myself for mentioning anything to Obsession. Maybe it's because I felt safer sharing it. It's not like I think it's going to turn into anything. And I'm just grateful the dangerous part doesn't seem to be an issue like I thought. But I also don't want to go there again. I plan on keeping it real but not TOO real. lol

Flirting w/ Danger

Maybe I should nickname Obsession 'Danger' now... But I seriously am struggling not sharing the song "Fun" by Selena Gomez's to try to have him understand how I'm feeling... But I have no idea if there is a mutual attraction. I think there is. He's made a couple comments. He's also very hot and cold. I've noticed. Emails are limited communication. Phone calls are non-existent, like if I call him for anything he wants off that phone as quickly as possible. The only time I feel the interest from him is in person. That might be a guy thing, but it's rather annoying. 

Either way, he made a comment yesterday that made me pause. It wasn't exactly what he said but how he said it. I was commenting on how I overshare. And he said he has some crazy thoughts that he doesn't share but that I have no idea what's going on in his mind. We were making complete eye contact and I felt this electricity. And there were a couple of times I noticed a look on his face as he looked at me that I couldn't quite make out. 

Last week we hadn't seen each other in about a month. He seemed really happy to see me. He had me sit so we could catch up. We got on the topic of the coworker that passed. I shared how hard it was for me. He asked if it was because I felt I should have done more or could have stopped her from committing suicide. I said, not that, but that she and I connected, and I never told her how much she mattered to me. He smirked and said "It's ok 'Clandestine', you can tell me how much I matter to you." And I chuckled and said "You already know how much you matter to me". 

The problem I have Every.Damn.Time I talk to him is stopping myself from saying something stupid. And it's not subtle. I literally have to look down, shake it off and say 'moving on!' He has to know there stuff in there. But he's never pushed for me to say more. Thank God! My counselor told me that people tend to overshare with people they find attractive. I keep wanting to share that I'm destined to keep oversharing! 

It's like I *want* to play with fire. I seriously have to stop myself every time from just unloading all my stupid attraction to him. I'm not sure why I feel compelled to tell him!? Maybe I want him to tell me the feeling is mutual. But again, why?! 

Death

Someone from work died yesterday. I was a wreck. I didn't know her very well. But what I did know of her, she was awesome! When I started at this location early last year she welcomed me with open arms. Made me feel like I had an instant friend. I'm heartbroken...

Fast

So I've been on my fast for only a few days. There was a day that I felt completely drawn to reaching out to Obsession and I caught myself. I prayed and asked God to keep me away. It was almost worse than the sugar detox has been. Obsession has popped into my head a lot up until that day. I think that was the day before yesterday. Yesterday and today I've been OK. I still wonder a moment here or there if he's noticed my absence and has wanted to reach out. Or if I am an out of sight out of mind kind of person to him. But for the most part, I shrug the thought off and think, who cares? It shouldn't matter. He's no longer going to be a close friend. I need to keep my distance. The problem is, there is only 1 Monday this month and next month that I can work down in his office. He's off Mondays so it's easier to avoid him. These Monday holidays are killing my plan. I might see if it's possible not to go to the main building at all during those days I'm not going down on a Monday. But this next Tuesday I have to go to the building and so many people I love are in his office area. Maybe I could just avoid him? But that would seem so obvious to me. Anyways, slight dilemmas in my plan.

Husband Creature found out Obsession's lives local when I told him about his day at the local office. I still try to tell my Husband Creature when I see Obsession outside of the days I go to that office. Well when he was in my office, I shared with my hubby. I told him because of the weather Obsession stayed local. I hadn't realized I never shared he's from where we live. Husband Creature asked if we've met up and I told him no, never! But felt guilty about the hopes that some day Obsession would walk into Starbucks when I was there coloring... Again, the thought strikes me that I'm a horrible wife!

Well I thought I was doing better about not obsessing over Obsession, guess I'm not quite cleared of him. So moving on ...

I feel amazing. I want to remember how much better I feel eating only veggies and protein. I get up expecting pain in my feet and it's so minimal and so clearly because of my diet that I need to remember how this feels so I can maintain eating right. I've realized that the bulk of my weight gain occurred during my first year at this job. Since then, I've maintained my current weight for the last year, fluctuating 10 lbs. When I realized I needed to do something drastic was when I went 10 lbs in the wrong direction in the month of December, PRIOR to Christmas goodies. I felt like I gained 20-30 lbs, but looking back at my weight loss app, I only gained about 15 lbs since my dads heart attack in July. I think I just felt miserable and the weight gain started to impact my mental and physical health. Maybe everything started to weigh me down and the weight just added to it.

Either way, I feel good. My face seems to look less greasy and my eyes, brighter. I've lost 8 lbs which is kind of surprising and not my main focus. My main focus was focusing on self control and making sure I don't give in to my desire to eat sugar. Maybe Obsession is more the thing I need to pray and ask God to remove the stronghold he seems to have on me. Because God has clearly been helping me with my food. There have been fleeting moments where a shake or candy bar sound *really* good. But I haven't been too hungry. I couldn't give up dinners. Too hungry without the sugar and carbs. But I think because I'm snacking so much on veggies, it's been really good. But now that I'm on a roll, I pray and hope that this year is a year of lean, of self control, of freeing myself from this burden of weight. I want to be proud of myself, not embarrassed or ashamed.

I read something on Instagram just now, typically I get annoyed that people share anything text related on a photo sharing app but yeah... It struck a chord with me.

I'm really bummed that girls look at the sky and think " wow God is so amazing" but look in the mirror and think "ugh" as if He didn't make both. 

And it's true, I look up at the sky all the time and think, "Wow!" But then lately I've been looking at my reflection thinking... "Ugh". I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I am... er... was miserable on the inside. I am definitely changing my perspective on life and have been super motivated and excited about the future. The thing I keep focusing on is how I want to feel and want to look. I want to see positive changes when I look in the mirror. And in this short time of fasting, I've seen a lot of positive changes.

When I look back at this last year, my current weight has been my standard weight for most of the year. I have less than 9 lbs to go to be the smallest I was last year. That seems doable. That seems like it's not that far away. So for now that's my short term goal. After that it'll be getting down another 20 lbs and then to what I was before I started this job which is about 40 lbs away! Crazy to me to think I gained 40 lbs in the first year here. I've been here just over 2 years! So this is the year I go back to me. I've got less distractions in every sense of the word. So we'll see what this year holds for me! 

He's not safe for my marriage

So I've gone to two counseling appointments. I was annoyed at the first one but got a couple things out of it so I decided to give it another chance. And I'm glad I did. Yesterday was a revelation day for me. I think first and foremost just going to seek help has made a shift in my perceptions and mood and for the first time in forever I feel hope. My therapist seemed to mock me that I felt healed, but I clarified that it was more like the onion analogy he gave me. I've pealed a layer and just as I typed this I thought of a deeper explanation. It's like I've pealed off that first ugly flaky layer of onion. Sure I've still got more layers to peal but that first layer is off. And for the first time in a long time I feel hope.

We touched on the topic of Obsession yesterday. I think that's one that still really bothers me. I was real, honest and even shared how I feel like a bad wife. He said I wasn't based on the information I shared with him. He mentioned Prescribing which would be to go to Obsession and be honest, that I don't mean to be inappropriate but that I find him really attractive. My therapist said that was one way to handle it. But that he didn't think that would work for me. That he feels that if things were unstable in Obsession's home life it might be detrimental to my own marriage. The therapist said that the fact that his wife is unhappy with our communication means that he has talked about me at home, that maybe she senses a connection between us as well. But that to help me look past this, would be to realize he's not safe. Sometimes when we are attracted to someone we automatically feel we can share more than we should. Which has happened numerous times with me. That I've shared too much which Obsession and found myself wondering why I did. It's because subconsciously we tend to feel the person we're attracted to is safe. Well my Therapist told me to focus on the fact that Obsession is not safe for me, in fact he's quite the opposite. He's harmful to my marriage. That shed a new light on the situation. Oddly, I knew he wasn't safe.But somehow realizing that he isn't safe to even talk to... I need to keep my distance. Which goes along with some other changes I plan on making this year...

So I am going to do the church fast. This year's fast I plan on eating protein and veggies only, no sugars or bread carbs. I am going to keep coffee but sugar free creamers, etc. for 21 days. I *may* fast dinners, but if I get hungry I'll allow myself veggies. We'll see how it goes. I'm excited and nervous. Mostly excited about what strongholds God will help me break by doing this. One part of my plan is to avoid seeing Obsession during the fast if at at all possible and try to avoid contact. I tend to reach out randomly.

Yesterday I was proud of myself. I was down by his office and stayed away from leaving a note on his desk. I saw the picture of Minnie and Daisy that I put up in his office was out on the floor of his office and I think with his new furniture he's getting rid of it. Which made me kind of sad but in a way it's appropriate for him to get rid of it. I think there was something too personal about it being kept.

I saw him after the 18th briefly. I walked into his office and he was on a conference call. He barely looked up from his phone to acknowledge me. In a way I was disappointed but now I'm glad about it. I need distance. I need to NOT look at him as a close friend. I need to look at him as potential threat to my family, to my marriage. It's a hard shift, but one that must be made.