In my office

So... Obsession has been in the local office today. *Sigh* And we've been chatting off and on all day.

Counseling

I think I need counseling...

I haven't been able to be completely honest even with my journal because I'm afraid of my Husband Creature getting a hold of it.

It's nothing bad, in fact things are on the up-and-up especially when it comes to Obsession. The problem I have is, there is still a bit of obsessing going on with Obsession. He pops into my head a lot. I think about conversations we've had, or something comes up that we talked about and I struggle not being able to share. And it's weird to me. Weird that I've become obsessed with someone that I have no intention of pursuing. I genuinely want to *just* be friends, yet I don't even feel like we can be that. Maybe that's the issue? I can't have him? So I'm obsessed? How cliche' would that be?

Things with Obsession have been back and forth. I rarely see him so when I do, I crave just talking with him, catching up, finding out how he *really* is. Every time I see him, there's at least one time in the conversation that I think to myself... Man, I forgot how good looking he is. sigh 

He mentioned his wife told him we couldn't be friends anymore but he did it in passing and kind of like a joke. He said he had to continue to be my friend because I make the best cookies. I laughed and said, you didn't really tell her that. He said said, no, I didn't. But I didn't clarify if that was real. Like does she really not want us to be friends. I know Husband Creature wouldn't be opposed to that. But he knows we're friends and he's accepted that fact.

Either way, back to the reason I think I need counseling. If you can believe it, it's not all about Obsession. In fact, he's a side issue but I think I'm having real issues... One being with my dads heart attack. I can't talk about it without either crying or at best feeling the emotions choke my throat closed and a stinging in my eyes. Especially when it comes to being in the emergency room while they performed CPR. Even now, just typing it, my eyes are starting to gloss... I went to a CPR class for work and had to hide my tears streaming down my face. I almost walked out. At that point I realized there might be some form of PTSD for me being in the emergency room with that whole situation going on around me and I probably should seek help for dealing with it.

Then... my sister pulled me aside a couple of weeks ago to tell me she was raped! The circumstances are crazy and overwhelming. She was passed out drunk. She was in the comfort of her own hotel room where she thought she was ok. She took a bit to decide whether or not to press charges. There is a part of it that's out of her control. The medical results will automatically cause charges if they come back positive. But even if there was no penetration she was violated and will press charges. Her counselor told her to be sure what she wanted to do, and not worry about what all the family was telling her, because it'll be her life on the stand... So I'm proud of her but scared. Her marriage has been struggling so much all summer and I'm not sure how this will all play into it.

And oddly, aside from family, the only person I opened up to about it was Obsession. I couldn't believe I blurted it out. It makes no sense.

Especially since we can't really be friends. I can't text him. He doesn't do well with work calls. The only thing we have sort of done is work email. When we see each other we talk like long lost friends though. I always feel like he wants me to sit and share. Yesterday I was having a bad day, I shared that. He would laugh at my moody responses said he liked the "real" Clandestine. I was abrupt and said it like it was. I even shared that my husband creature found out I called Obsession a Distraction and how I had to share whenever I saw Obsession. I couldn't believe I was opening my big fat mouth! I was kind of all over the place when I said it, I could barely make eye contact. He said "wow I feel so important." That's when he made the comment that his wife said that he couldn't be my friend anymore which makes me wonder if it's a real statement. The entire time I kept hearing my best friend saying "whatever you do, don't tell Obsession how you feel about him". And I kept thinking I was sharing WAY too much! We switched the subject rather bluntly and from there it was lighthearted and no more tmi... He mentioned shopping for a couch, mentioned it was gray and I said oh that makes sense you painted your house gray tones, and he was shocked I remembered. Went on and on about how my memory is crazy, he couldn't remember even telling me he'd painted his house, let alone what color, etc. Part of me wonders if I remember so well because I am a bit obsessed. blah....

Small Developments

Obsession: When I apologized about texting him and causing him any issues at home, I think something made an impact on Obsession. Not a major one. But I think me telling him I consider him more of a friend than just a coworker made him reevaluate my previous actions. Here's why I think so...

When I was down there the other day, I had brought cookies. I had called him the night before and confirmed he'd be there because there may or may not be cookies coming down with me. He said he'd be there but then when I got there he wasn't there. He had training. I put 4 cookies in a baggy and put them on his desk and emailed him I saved him some. He responded and said he was sorry he had forgotten he had training but would get them the next day in the afternoon and thanked me.

Then he text me Saturday saying "Hey, I forgot to thank you for the cookies at the office the other day. Thanks again they were delicious!"

First of all, I was surprised to get a text to begin with, and second I was under the impression those types of texts weren't really "allowed" so to speak and third it was a Saturday!?

I had so many things I wanted to respond with and ask him about. But I felt like it was all I could do was to say you're welcome.

The last few times I stopped by the office before this, it was always a standing conversation. Tuesday I saw him and he said "I thought I heard your laugh." And said, "take a load off." It was odd to have him want me to sit for a while. Normally it's just a standing conversation and it was like he wanted me to sit and chat for a while. So naturally I obliged.

At some point he was discussing not announcing a death in the family to the office and how when his brother died it made it tough having people always remind him about it. How he wished no one knew. And suddenly my mind went to the text I sent on the anniversary of his brothers death and suddenly felt bad about sending it. Though I know he said said it meant a lot to him when I sent it. He must have seen the look on my face because he said "I don't mind talking about it with people like you, that I'm close to." And suddenly I flashed back to me telling him I considered him more like a friend than just a coworker.

We talked about his text and how I was confused at first and tempted to send a bunch of responses but held myself back. He gave me a relieved look when I said I stopped myself. He said oh don't do that! He did say he was calculated in his text about the cookies and that he mentioned that I brought them for the office and he made sure his wording was safe. So I have the feeling the text was his way of communicating in a calculated way.

So him reiterating that we're close was I think his way of responding to me saying I consider him more than a coworker but a friend. I over analyze everything though.

Husband Creature: My Husband Creature went a little off kilter yesterday. He asked if I saw "him" the day before (meaning Obsession). I said I had and with everything going on (a death of a family friends wife) I had forgotten to tell him. He angrily said "you only wear this smelling lotion when you go down the hill!" I was shocked. He was not correct but the fact that he seemed to think he calculated it bothered me greatly. I told him I ran out of my normal lotion over a week ago and have been wearing it ever since. He didn't seem to believe me. I went to work pretty discouraged he thought that. So then decided when I got home I'd throw out my fufu smelling lotions. When I got to the house he had the body spray on the counter. I showed him it wasn't the spray but matching lotion that was the one I used. He had gone into my bathroom to sniff it out?! I was surprised. He had been moody with me all night and it bothered me to do the act of throwing out all my fufu lotions in this mood but I wanted him to see I meant it. It was never done for a specific person or a specific day. That I genuinely didn't care about my lotions enough to keep them.

He didn't seem as impacted by the act of throwing them out as I had hoped but maybe later in the evening it did. It was honestly really hard to throw out all my lotions. I like smelling pretty. He can't handle strong smelling lotions so I have to go with unscented most of the time. So I wear it on rare occasions or when my unscented lotions run out. Either way, it was hard to throw them out but I felt it was important to help him see it wasn't something I did for any specific person. I even approached him and said I wanted to throw out the lotions to help his insecurities. He said he wasn't insecure, and I said well then I wanted to ease his accusations, and he said he wasn't accusing but that it was just a statement. We went round and round in circles and my Stinker Creature came up, I could tell he was getting nervous about the tensions between us so I cut the conversation off. But continued to fume. I kept thinking if he wasn't accusing or insecure then why would it matter if he noticed I wore the lotions when I go to another office? I kept getting more and more angry. I did lose patience with him, my stinker creature and figured I was tired and just needed to go to sleep. I did end up reading this book I got for Praying Couples and opened it up in hopes it would help me correct my thinking. It did a little, I opened it up to a section for prayers for couples who have stopped making their spouse a priority. I prayed the prayers and went out to my Husband creature and rebuked the enemy, prayed over our priority of each other and our relationship.

I tried to go to sleep but kept going over things in my mind. Finally I realized the thing that bothered me the most about his "statement" is that he felt he was correct. When in fact I know I have put on fufu lotions for a week and a half and that it was a false statement that he was evaluating and defending as accurate. So I went out to see if he was awake. He wasn't at first but then asked aggressively what I was doing. I told him I couldn't sleep. He softened and asked why. I told him it was because I was frustrated with him and I finally figured out why. I shared that his statement was false. That he wrongly calculated my lotion usage and wouldn't take my word for it yet said he trusted me and that he wasn't insecure. I told him his way of addressing it was accusatory. And that it felt like he didn't believe me and that I was telling him he was wrong and he couldn't see past his own opinion and that I knew when I had used the lotions and he couldn't tell me when I did and didn't use the lotion. He seemed to finally hear me for the first time that night. He made one argument, that it wasn't every day, I said no, it was every time I showered and I don't shower every day. He seemed to realize he didn't have much more of an argument left. At least not that it seemed.

Tonight I already arranged for my mom to keep my Stinker Creature longer so Husband Creature and I could have a date night at home. I had the whole thing planned and trust me after last night I thought about calling it off a few times. But I think it's proof we need it. So I'm going out of my way to make it extra special. I warned him not to eat too late and if he had to eat small that I had a plan. He text me this morning about hitting Chick-fil-a for breakfast rather than lunch should fix the issue of him being too full for us going out tonight. I am looking forward to surprising him with dinner at home. I have some wine. I've already cleared off the table so we can just have a nice dinner at home. I'm leaving work early and going to grab the drinks and groceries on the way. If he gets home before me it shouldn't matter. Being home early will surprise him. If I'm home before him my first step will be to set the table so when he walks in he'll see it.

I'm getting excited. So I hope it's a pleasant surprise. We've been so busy with no time for each other. I feel like this is exactly what we need. I'm glad I didn't call it off in anger. I'm thinking it's the perfect time for this to occur.

Living life then... Bam!

So I show up to work with little focus, I'm late, flustered and tired.

Obsession is working at the local office today. I didn't even notice his truck! blah! I walked in, saw him sitting in the usual guys spot and I was like, whoa, who's that!? I didn't know he was working here today. I feel unsettled.

Thank God I only work half a day!

Another Cycle?

So Ex and I had an all day chat session via Twitter yesterday. It felt odd. I kept wondering if I should continue or not. It kept teetering on that line of inappropriate. It's so odd to chat with an ex that you've been intimate with. You know more about them then you do any other random person. There were a couple comments made but both of us were hyper vigilant not to let it go beyond that line. Though the line was brought up a few times. Ex sent a selfie among other photos and I was like "uh oh..." I didn't acknowledge it, just moved on to the next photo he sent me. He's currently in Finland. So the photos were really interesting! It might have been more the content of the background he thought I'd like to see.

Either way, I find myself wondering if we're going to chat again. Then I think um... no. That would be intentional.

It's odd, we have random messages and each time we chat there has been a reason and the chats are super short. Monday Ex sent me a message saying he was off to Finland. I found that odd. It seemed out of the ordinary. But of course my wanderlust was intrigued and wanted to hear more about it. I sent a safe travels and I look forward to the photos. So that's where the chat started yesterday.

So as I was chatting struggling to keep that line appropriate I kept thinking, is this my issue? Like do I exude inappropriate conversation? Am I the cause of all these lines being crossed. First with Colorado, then with Obsession and potentially with Ex? I am a flirt. I know this. But there is a difference between flirting and inappropriate flirting. I struggle to understand the difference.

Speaking of Obsession... I'm surprised by our last chat. I hate to admit it made me late getting back to my location on Tuesday. We talked WAY too long. But it was sooo nice. I've missed those chats. Those are the chats I remember prior to all the embarrassment and walls and distance I felt. It made me wonder if he really thought I had bad intentions and that's why he kept his distance. Or maybe the other coworkers got into his head and me coming and apologizing helped him see my intentions were NEVER to be harmful to his marriage. Maybe it was everything and he finally realized I'm not a vindictive person.

After my chat yesterday with Ex I wonder if this is an area I will have to be hyper vigilant in, to be sure not to cross any lines, since it appears to be an area I slip into easily. *sigh*

I know my Husband Creature is a flirt. He's aware that we're both flirts. I guess women are less likely to play into the flirting. Well... Not really. I'm easily slipping into it. Either way, I don't want this to be a constant struggle, and I will pray that I can keep myself in check and pure of heart.

Husband Creature and myself are doing really well. Now that he's working he seems to have some self worth back and doesn't seem as moody. I have appreciated his efforts. We're still trying to come to a balance on this new schedule and routine. We were so used to the way things were and now he's working we need to split duties more evenly. So we're on the path of figuring that out. 😊

Anyways, I need to get back to work... Just needed this off my chest.

Happy Birthday to me and farewell Obsession

So it's time to say farewell to my Obsession. Aaand Happy Birthday to me! Today is my birthday. Life is good.

Update 9/6/19
So I feel less frustrated about the whole Obsession thing. I still think a farewell is a necessity. In fact I think my last conversation with him on September 3rd was it. It's been about a month and I tortured myself over some info that I found out.

One being that the day I brought him cookies is the date everything changed. I can't tell if that's when something changed in his mind or if it occurred sooner than that, now looking back it was probably sooner than that. I think his coworker might have thrown me under the bus and admitted that she knew I thought he was cute. Either way, his lack of "thank you" really bothered me.

I saw him August 14th. And I was already standoffish towards him since he hadn't made any effort to say thanks for the cookies. I did my best NOT to try to talk to him. He eventually came up to me and thanked me for the cookies. He said he felt bad that he wasn't responding to the group texts. He said the girls in the office said he had to thank me and he told them "What, do you *want* me to get in trouble?" He reiterated that his wife had been giving him some heat about the text conversations with the people from the office including me. I gave him a hard time about not even calling me on the work phone if he couldn't message me on his cell. The girl in his office indicated that I was a big part of the issue. Obsession downplayed it but something made me sick to my stomach. They'd talked about me texting him. Ugh... I told him well has she read my texts? There's nothing in there that's inappropriate. She understands there's nothing going on right? He responded defensively like well I told her there wasn't anything going on because there isn't anything going on. Which felt like an odd response from him. Like he's been pissed about the whole situation for a bit. It set me back. And his coworker said she felt so bad she called him twice that night and texted him to make sure he was ok. I laughed and said well if his wife is having an issue with us talking to him why did you expect him to respond? He agreed but she looked at him funny.

Obsession said his wife's biggest issue was when she found out he baked me cookies. That it bothered her that he had baked me cookies. But it started when the group texts were all women. But he told her that he's the only guy. I was distracted by more people coming by and came back to say "now I feel bad". He told me "please don't."

So eventually when I had time to review the interaction I came to the conclusion that it was mostly me that his wife was having an issue with.

Mortification set it...

I wasn't sure how to react. I immediately felt like I needed to apologize for everything. But hadn't had any chances to talk to him by himself. I was down there on a Tuesday August 20th and went to say hello. He seemed stressed and annoyed. The conversation was short. I was about to apologize then when he had someone come by for a meeting. I promptly left feeling worse than when I arrived.

Then Monday the 26th I went to a Paint n Sip night with one of the girls in his unit. I decided to ask her one question. And asked if it was me that was causing the biggest problem. She confirmed my biggest fear. His wife has an issue with me texting him. I asked why she wasn't upset with her or the other girl for texting him. She somewhat defensively mentioned that she doesn't text him. I said yes you do in group text. She said it wasn't a big deal and not worry about it. I said that it wasn't like I didn't text anything that my husband couldn't read. And she said again, not to worry about it, that Obsessions wife was super jealous and reads through all his texts. That they (the two girls in his unit) told him he should tell me to stop texting him. And said that's crazy because it's just "Clandestine", she just doesn't know "Clandestine". Etc. So then I was even feeling more frustrated. That he talked to the other girls and was concerned and wasn't sure if he should broach the subject with me.

*Sigh*

You get where I am starting to feel sick to my stomach right? :(

He clearly doesn't want me to text him. What's weird to me is when and why did this start? At what point did he not like me texting him? From the start? Ugh... I never felt uncomfortable with him until I moved away. I never felt unwanted or like there was this wall until this last month after the beginning of August. So what changed? Did his wife find out he baked me cookies once I left? I guess that's when I felt the shift. It would go along with his timeline. I always thought it was just because we didn't see each other as much that things had changed but maybe something did change.

So this last Tuesday (September 3rd) I was down in his office. He didn't seem *as* distant or pulled away. So the first chance I saw he was alone I asked him if I could ask him a question. He said sure what's up. I asked him if he could forgive me. He asked what for. I explained my heart about any of my behavior and not wanting to cause any issues with his wife and how mortified I felt about it. He was very kind. Saying he didn't feel he needed to give me any forgiveness but saw my face and said if it would make me feel better of course he'd forgive me. He said it wasn't anything he couldn't handle. That his wife kept asking why I had to text so much. I still can't figure that part out. I never felt like I sent him too many text. I did tell him that though. He did ask if I noticed that he stopped replying to some of my messages, and I said I had, but that some of my texts didn't require a response. I said I must text a lot in general to my friends because I never felt like I text him in particular that often. I did tell him that I consider him more of a friend than just a coworker and maybe that's why I took liberties. But that either way, I wouldn't be doing that anymore. He did say if it's about traffic or something that shouldn't be a problem. And clearly defined that line. lol He asked if I felt bad about this since that day (the 14th) and I admitted it's eaten me up quite a bit. To think I was causing anyone to question anything really bothered me. That just wasn't something I do! He did admit that if we ever run across each other in public not to stay away, that his wife doesn't think ill of me, she'd just take note that I was the person who texted him. He told her it was just my personality, and that she just didn't know me. And she agreed that she doesn't know me and didn't like it. He told her to read through the text messages, that he could explain each and every one and that there wasn't anything wrong with the communications. I guess there were a couple of inside jokes (that I don't recall) that he had a hard time explaining. But for the most part he agreed the messages were innocent enough.

He did get my voicemail and thought it was strange. He never called me back he says it's because he thought it was prior to seeing me on the 20th. His phone was disconnected for a while. But later in the conversation I caught the lie because he said he wondered why I called since we had talked earlier that day. So apparently he doesn't feel he can return my calls either.

There was more but I can't remember everything. I am now ok with the whole situation but at the moment, ok for the whole month, I felt like such a fool. I think Obsession appreciated the apology. He did look at me a little funny when I said I considered him a friend. It's possible that made things make more sense. But ultimately I did (and still may) have a crush. It impaired my ability to look at my actions objectively. And now that I recall he said he never had an issue with my texts until his wife brought up her frustrations. He basically said I'm not allowed to text anymore unless it's important basic text, like warning him of a traffic accident etc. lol

With that being said, I was pleasantly surprised to get a happy birthday email from him haha Yes, an email. I guess he could have sent nothing. So I'll appreciate the little bit of effort. lol And understand that I won't be able to wish him a happy birthday via text it'll have to be email.

You Say - Lauren Daigle

I keep fighting voices in my mind that say I'm not enough...
Every single lie that tells me I will never measure up...

Right now this song is exactly what my heart needs. I'm struggling... I've just put on the full armor of God and am fighting my negative thoughts. I think it's lack of sleep and my new medication causing exhaustion and moodiness. But either way I'm not going to stay in this state. I'm choosing my thoughts, taking them captive and fighting with the truth of the Word. 

You Say by Lauren Daigle

I keep fighting voices in my mind that say I'm not enough

Every single lie that tells me I will never measure up
Am I more than just the sum of every high and every low
Remind me once again just who I am because I need to know
Ooh oh

You say I am loved when I can't feel a thing
You say I am strong when I think I am weak
And you say I am held when I am falling short
And when I don't belong, oh You say I am Yours
And I believe (I)
Oh I believe (I)
What You say of me (I)
I believe

The only thing that matters now is everything You think of me
In You I find my worth, in You I find my identity
Ooh oh

You say I am loved when I can't feel a thing
You say I am strong when I think I am weak
And you say I am held when I am falling short
And when I don't belong, oh You say I am Yours
And I believe (I)
Oh, I believe (I)
What You say of me (I)
Oh, I believe

Taking all I have and now I'm laying it at Your feet
You have every failure, God, You have every victory
Ooh oh

You say I am loved when I can't feel a thing
You say I am strong when I think I am weak
You say I am held when I am falling short
When I don't belong, oh You say I am Yours
And I believe (I)
Oh, I believe (I)
What You say of me (I)
I believe

Oh, I believe (I)
Yes I believe (I)
What You say of me (I)
I believe

https://youtu.be/sIaT8Jl2zpI

This place is suffocating

Yesterday I felt rejuvenated, like I could deal with the world. I was down at the Admin building for my work. The place I started my journey for the place I work for.

Today... I feel stifled. I feel depressed and lonely and uninspired and unimportant. I rebuked the enemy in my office. I'm just down.

I haven't listened to christian music today like I normally do. But there is just something about this place. This office space. Maybe it's the negativity before everyone shifted locations. But I just get the overwhelming sense of discouragement when I'm here.

Retraining my brain

So I've been doing something different. Every time Obsession pops into my brain I ask God to forgive me and force myself to think about something else. So that's all I have to say about that. lol Though Colorado popped into my brain and I happened to look for him on Facebook. He shaved his beard. Looks 10 years younger. He looks happy and I'm happy for that. But moving on...

My Stinker Creature is starting Kindergarten tomorrow!!! It's such an amazing thing to watch him grow. I am curious to what he's going to be like when he gets older and the other side doesn't want him to grow up at all! He's so handsome though. I pray we raise him up right.

Husband Creature and I have been doing well. He has been busy fixing my car. Any upgrade he can give me he tries to do. It's kind of cute and really sweet.

I'm doing my best to focus on the good things right now. No more negativity. The last month has drained me mentally, emotionally and physically. My foot is in excruciating pain for the last week, it started last Tuesday. I can barely walk. But I am determined to go to the gym after work. I need the release of endorphins right now more then ever.

My dad is doing amazing. He's truly a walking miracle. Today is exactly a month from his heart attack and he's back to almost 90% of where he was! The only issue now is his stamina. But that's expected to take some time. But seriously, to be at the point of being on the gurney and the Dr almost "calling it" to where he is today is a true testament of God's miraculous healing!

I don't know that I will ever be able to recall that memory without tearing up of being in the ER watching them perform CPR on my dad and making eye contact with the Dr as his assistant asked if he should "call it" and the Dr looking at me and deciding to "try one more time" and the look I got from the Dr when he felt it was the best they could do to get him into emergency surgery. The look of "well that's the best we got". Even now, my throat is closing and my eyes are watering... Yep... tears... That's a tough memory to think about. But man... what a miracle to have witnessed!

I did a thing...

Things shift so much these days it's hard to know how I feel about Obsession anymore. Some days I'm sad things have changed so much, other days it feels like I still matter to him, and other days I just don't care. Lately I have cared less than usual.

I saw him last week at a work event, I was super excited knowing I would be seeing him and in the end that day was a horrible let down. When I look back, it wasn't as bad as I thought but the year prior had been such a cool experience I thought this year would have been similar. I think the year prior was such a cool experience because we were just getting to know each other. I didn't think he'd stick around me as much as he did. This year he was distracted by a coworker in his unit. She seems to have taken my place. And part of me wonders if there is more there even if she prefers the same sex. They were always sitting together, whispering to each other. 

Either way, the day ended with me feeling pretty low. But looking back there were a couple of cute moments. I was helping the registration line and was the person in charge of his line. He teased and said I was in his knowing I'd be helping him. I basically laughed it off saying oh yeah I selected these letters just so I could see you. Which deep down inside was exactly the case. lol I did get a group photo of us together with a bunch of other people which is what I wanted. He came up behind me and put his hand on my shoulder and asked a question about what I was doing. We had to fill out 5 names of people that were our heroes, I went straight up to his group and started with him. Told him how he is with his kids makes him a hero. He took his out of his pocket and said I was his hero because every day I am at the office makes the day brighter and I was like "awww" and he said no seriously... My day is brighter when you're there. We ended up doing a breakout session together with another group. We painted, he's always been complimentary of my painting but he didn't seem to even want to see my painting that day.

I bring that up only because the next day I stopped by his office to drop off some leftover stuff from the event and he asked me about it specifically because he thought I was a good painter and he couldn't recall what mine looked like. That same time I had my hair up in a ponytail because I was unloading boxes and sweating. I was a little worried about going in to see Obsession looking like a wreck but oddly I got a lot of compliments. I was wearing an item I had bought at the work event. A scrunchy with ties. He said I looked like I belonged in a sock hop. He and I chatted a little bit but he didn't seem interested in keeping the conversation going.

My Husband Creature asked if "My Distraction" was at the event after the fact. I forgot he may have been curious if I was going to see him. I see Obsession so randomly I kind of forgot I may need to keep my Husband Creature informed after everything. But I do see and interact with Obsession enough not to feel like I should share each time. It was kind of sad that he needed to verify that "My Distraction" wasn't there the whole time. Especially since I had long days. I wonder if he thought he had volunteered as well. But I clarified that he was only there for one of the two days.

Sunday I went to get out and color. Obsession always pops into my head when I do that, only because of the many conversations we've had about him wanting to get away and journal like that. Also because I've always been tempted to invite him to meet me for coffee. Either way, I couldn't shake the thought that really ultimately I'm there to be an example of Christ. That being me, means I represent a faint reflection of who God is. So, I sent Obsession a text, asking if there was anything he needed prayer for. His response was super fast, "Where do I begin, just kidding. Not really. Thx".

I saw him Tuesday, unexpectedly, sorta. There was a meeting at my location. Obsession sent confirmation he was going but then went to tentative. It looked like he wasn't going to make it. So much so that I wasn't too focused on trying to see if he was there when people started arriving. I was heading down the hall looking down at my phone and I noticed someone looking at me. It was Obsession! He said "Howdy Stranger!" and gave me a hug. We talked about how different my office looks because a bunch of changes that have been happening. I had to sit in the meeting with him. He was in my direct line of sight. It was hard not to get "distracted". And once I happened to look up and saw him looking at me. I ended up having to leave before the meeting was over so I made sure to say goodbye.

And finally to what the title of this post is about... I did a thing... I baked cookies. It's hard not to think of giving Obsession my cookies since he loves them so much and yes I know how horrible and how much of an innuendo that sounds like. We've joked about it. So... I interoffice mailed him some. They may either arrive today at 4pm or tomorrow. I was hoping today but it looks like it's most likely tomorrow. Oh wells. They should hopefully be ok. lol

Oddly I've been in contact with Ex on Twitter. He randomly messages me here and there and this last time we responded more than 4 times each. We left things on goodish terms. We had been emailing here and there but the first time I met his wife.... crickets. I'm guessing either she was threatened by me and asked him to stop communicating with me. Not sure. Either way, we rarely chat but it seems to be happening a bit more often.

I reached out to Latin Lover yesterday. Just wondering how he and his wife are doing. They officially called it quits. Poor guy. Has no idea what love really is, yet he thinks he's addicted to the feeling. Which I guess could be true... Because the feeling doesn't last. It's a decision. And I'm grateful that I know what that means.

Things with Husband Creature are doing well. The weeks following my dads heart attack took it's toll because I wasn't around and he had to pick up the slack. But we're good now that things are settling down into a regular rhythm again.

*Update 8/2/19*
Blah, not even a thank you! fucker... I got a buttload of guilt from the girl in his unit. She seemed genuinely annoyed. His lack of thank you makes me think she really was complaining enough to make him feel guilty for enjoying it. She did send a photo of him holding the container of cookies. She said he loves them and they taste like they just came out of the oven. And nothing, not a peep from him. *sigh* I partially want to reach out and be like sheesh not even a thank you? But if he thanks me then it won't feel genuine. And lets be honest, nothing received doesn't bode well. ...

...

So I couldn't help myself. I called him. He said don't hate him but he's getting heat from his wife about the group chats we've been in. But he could have called or emailed. He said he felt rude not joining in to the chat. But again, there are other forms of communication. So I'm still rather annoyed. He did thank me, before I told him why I called. And shared how great they tasted since they were warm during transport. But again... Guess I need to keep my distance for a bit. I'm too wrapped up in his responses or lack thereof. 

Guess we're friends

I knew Obsession couldn't have known. But I was just so surprised he didn't know... But clearly he didn't.

I got a text from him late Thursday night (the 11th) saying "Hey 'Clandestine', I know you are occupied right now, but I just heard about your dad and wanted to see how he's doing. Just thinking of you guys." I replied with a novel and told him I needed to get to bed so I could get back to the hospital the next day and he said "Of course, rest up. We'll be thinking of you guys and praying dad gets better."

The very next day my dad was off the ventilator! I've been able to breathe. There is still stress.

Friends vs Coworkers

Are we Friends versus Coworkers?

I'm starting to lean towards just coworkers. I sent him a couple messages during the 4th of July holiday and nothing = Coworkers.

I'm pretty sure he's aware my dad is in the hospital since his entire unit (except for him) has text me asking about my dad or how I'm holding up or if I need anything except for him = Coworkers.

I keep thinking maybe he feels its inappropriate. Maybe it is. I'm not sure. Maybe he's not sure what to say. Makes me sad, disappointed and really shows who my true friends are. I'm sad because I really just want to talk to him. Share how I'm feeling. Can I really be the only person in this duo that considers the other a friend?

So these are the reasons I'm leaning towards Coworkers.

His daughter is getting her tonsils removed so it's possible he isn't aware of my dad being in ICU. In fact, it feels odd that he hasn't sent a message. So much so that I keep thinking he must NOT know! Yet, part of me wants to ask him if he knows. Another part wants to write him off altogether because this is the proof I need that I'm just not as much a friend as I thought. I'm just a coworker.

Yet his personality is one to show compassion, be concerned, ask questions = Friends.

*sigh* It's a sad revelation.

Maybe I'm just sad because my dad is in the ICU. My emotions and nerves are raw and I'm just being too sensitive. I've been overwhelmed by the outpouring of love for me and my family. And yet nothing from Obsession... Am I disillusioned? Have I really thought we were friends and he had just indulged me?

Barmaid

So I saw Obsession again on Wednesday. We had a nice chat but a couple things stood out.

One: I walked into his office and he asked why I look well rested and my hair is all freshly brushed out and nice. lol I told him its because I finally got 7 hours of sleep. But it was nice to know he saw me and thought I looked good.

Two: We were somehow on the topic of our ancestry again and he said (and got seriously embarrassed) that when he imagined me and before he could get the rest out, he turned bright red and said "I'm not trying to say that I sit around imagining you..." and the other two coworkers in the room started teasing him and asked if they needed to leave us two alone for a bit. He took a longer time to recover than usual and finally he was like I'm trying to say this without making it sound so bad, but I always picture you as one of those girls in the bodice and holding the beers like at Oktoberfest. I downplayed my reaction, and moved the conversation along but deep down inside his embarrassment felt like admission.

I don't think I mentioned this but about a month back I was talking to Obsession about my church and he was curious as to where it was. Had me show him on google maps and everything. He wanted to know what a church that preached meat vs milk would be like. He seemed intrigued by the Facebook page. When I asked him something about watching the sermons etc, he said "oh I'm only interested because it's something about you."

*sigh*

OT

Well I text Obsession again Sunday night and again no response. I started to think maybe he was trying to give me a hint to stop texting him. So I was about to give up but Monday morning I got a reply to both. Apparently he didn't remember getting the one before and apologized for not responding sooner. Made me smile.

So I signed up for overtime at work on my flex Mondays. It means I go down to my old office every other Monday and do whatever project they need me to do. Obsession is off every Monday so I figured it would be less distracting to go then. Yesterday was my first day.

Well turns out Obsession was there! Because of the holiday he is working his off Monday and taking Friday off instead. So there he was. Looking adorable as I remember. Me wishing I could spend the whole day catching up with him. We did spend some time chatting. It was really nice to catch up. I really miss our talks. It's just so easy. Time flies and there's so much more I want to say but knew I couldn't spend a lot of time with him. He still trips out about how good my memory is about things we talk about. I have had to stop myself from sharing that the reason why is that I'm a tad obsessed with him. lol

But I just found out I have a meeting down at his office tomorrow. And again sometime the week after that. One of my coworkers from my previous unit is leaving the department, I'm hoping to go to her farewell luncheon on July 17th. We have an all work function on the 24 - 25 of this month that I've been volunteered for so I'll see him one of those dates. So I'll be seeing him more than usual this month. :) Definitely not complaining!

Revisiting Old Feelings

I've said this before and I'll probably say it again. Sometimes I feel like friends with Obsession and other times I feel like it's all in my head and he's sitting there scratching his head wondering how I ever got the impression we're friends. lol Yes, overactive imagination. I sent a few unanswered texts recently.

But looking through our history... In such a short time we became what I would call friends. Closer than most coworkers. Not best friends. lol We have yet to hang out outside of work. But I still feel closer to him than some of the people I have hung out with outside of work. He and I have shared a lot. 

I told him it was different talking to him in person vs text/phone. He said something about how he sends emojis, etc. to my texts and that is more than he does to his friends. I scoffed and said, what am I? He said he meant his buddies.

I have put smiley faces on his schedule board and he always erases them, but someone else put it up and he's kept it up every time I've come by it's still there. I've wondered if it's a girl in the payroll department. They seem to have a flirty relationship and she's definitely his type. lol But he has kept the Minnie and Daisy duck picture I put up in his office. We even took a pic with that behind us because it was the pic I gave him.

I'm his friend. Just his friend. And that's good! lol

Saw Obsession last week

There are days I still feel obsessed. But days like today I just don't care enough. Maybe I'm stressed. Maybe because I just got laid. Maybe I'm a little disappointed that we talked for a while last Wednesday when I went in to the office and a day later I found out he went on vacation... Seemed so odd he didn't share that. Made me feel less important. Made me realize that I'm an out of sight out of mind situation for him. I mean we talked about his school, and my parents anniversary party and the video I made for it. I don't know. Just seemed odd he wouldn't say "oh yeah my vacation starts tomorrow!" Maybe he's just a guy. lol I didn't find out until Friday. I had text him Thursday afternoon about my latest updates for my work situation and he never replied.

I'm being transferred after all this time of waiting to go full time in the local office, they are closing my area at this facility. A ton of us are being transferred back down to the other offices 40+ miles away. Thankfully I found out I'm just being transferred to another local office. It's not down the street from my place like this one is, but it's still not 40+ miles away! So that's a huge relief.

I did text Obsession a Happy Father's Day text and he replied to that pretty quick. So I guess there's that.

Either way, I was a bit torn about the transfer. I kept thinking I'd either stay here somehow or back to my old spot which meant seeing Obsession every day again. I had determined I was fine with either aside from the drive. I was really surprised when they told me I'm going to an office only a few more miles away. Not seeing Obsession. No working with my favorite boss. Now I'm in unknown territory. They don't have my position at this other office. I have no idea what kind of work I'll be doing. I have no idea who my boss will be. But... I will be closer to my new gym. I will still have the time to sleep and have a life outside of work and not dealing with a commute. There are so many positives I can't believe how thankful I was until I was told officially. It meant that I could still keep my distance from Obsession. That I can still work on my weight. That if it comes down to it, my husband can get a job and I'd be able to work my schedule around his. If I had a commute that wouldn't be possible.

So there you have it. A post all about how I'm not as obsessed with Obsession today... lol I'm a dork.

Running into Obsession

Of course I've daydreamed of the time I'd run into my Obsession around town since we live in the same area. My daydreams have always been pleasant, talking for a while, etc. And what would happen the one time I actually run into him? I look like shit, I had just got done walking, in unflattering clothing, hair pulled up and bam! I literally almost run into him. No hiding, no running, blah! He was sweet about it at least. He seemed uncomfortable with how he looked too. Like he could look bad? But he felt the need to explain his clothing, he had just taken off his work shirt and was just in a t-shirt. I at least got to explain that I looked the way I did because I had just got done walking. He gave me kudos, saying "good for you" and asked where I walked. I literally dropped the conversation awkwardly. I couldn't get out of there fast enough. Then I regretted that, because then I walked right in front of him, he got to see all of me without hiding behind a grocery cart. *sigh*

So last night I tell my Husband Creature I feel bad. That I haven't done my part in our marriage and lost weight. That I knew my weight was an issue for him. That my potentially moving back down to the office I just came from made me depressed. That I needed to do something about my weight but I wasn't sure what. That I needed to get more sleep and try not to have too much on my plate. He was gentle about it, kind. He said he doesn't have an issue with the way I look but wants me to be healthy. I told him that's why I forced myself to walk last night. That I just needed to get out there and do something.

Then this morning I went to my doctors appointment. She told me what I already knew. I have high cholesterol and I'm pre-diabetic. She also told me we needed to work on my weight. I told her of my efforts. She said I need to avoid red meats, cheese and eggs... As I thought about it, that *IS* my diet. I live on eggs, cheese and meats, maybe not all red but still. So I've been toying around the idea of cutting those out of my diet for 3 months to see if it really works. As I was thinking that through, I realized I don't know what I'd eat for breakfast, so now I'm looking into a Premier Protein shake as a meal replacement. If I add an avocado to my shake, it will add the healthy fats and veggies to make it a well rounded meal. So... I was talking to my coworker about the shakes, she's been drinking them for a while now, and she got on me for my coffee intake. I immediately got defensive but in the end decided it couldn't hurt to cut back to grande for these three months and see where I end up. lol

This does mean extra cost to our food budget but if I stick with a protein shake for two meals it might end up helping. Not quite sure. Or maybe I could have egg whites with the little add on fillers to mix it up a bit so I can avoid cheese. lol I have a gift card to Target, maybe I'll pick up a mini bullet and blend the avocado into the shake for breakfast at work. Or maybe I'll use my little egg cooker and use egg whites and the mix-ins. I haven't talked to my Husband Creature about this but I feel like he'll be on board.

Is it sad that I am looking forward to not seeing Obsession for a month or so and see if I lose any weight? And if for some reason I end up going back down to the other office, it'll be a bit of time before that happens. I need a jump start. I think this is the motivation I needed. I've been miserable for a while now. I want to see if this will work for me.

Fairwell Lunch

5/7/19
So I came in to work and Obsession had baked me cookies. I had asked him to before I left but really didn't expect him to. He loves my chocolate chip cookies and had promised to make me some of his recipe for me to try. It was really sweet. He made me 2 dozen. Put a note saying "Guess Who?". To which my friend said it was inappropriate that I took a photo of the cookies with the note on it. She told me to delete the photo. That it showed we had some inside joke. In my head, I kept thinking dang, she will never know about me laminating his one note telling me I'm the best.

He was dressed up for a meeting but jokingly said he had dressed up for me. I almost told him I liked him better without facial hair but realized that was inappropriate. At one point, one of the girls from his unit mentioned that he had on cute pants. He said he would have preferred she tell him he had a cute butt. To which I asked, wouldn't that be more inappropriate? I don't think he was thinking of it that way. He was only thinking he'd rather be told he had a cute butt then pants. lol

The unit bought me flowers. He stared at me while I read the card. I felt his stare. And I wanted to look up but couldn't make eye contact. "You will truly be missed. The early morning conversations and afternoon laughs helped pass the time. Be sure to keep in touch. -Obsession" Nothing inappropriate. Nothing intimate. The more I think about it, the most intimate thing he did that day was bake me cookies. 

We joked that his cookies were pretty good, maybe even better then mine. So we tested it. He wanted me to tell people I tried a new recipe and see what they thought. He wasn't back once I got the verdict so I wrote him a quick note on his desk stating "Verdict is in :-P". I happened to be at the copy machine when I saw him come around the corner with my note in hand with an excited look on his face. The interesting thing is, I went into his office and looked in his trash expecting to see my note in there, and it wasn't. Started to make me wonder if he's saved my messages as well.

5/9/19
I had texted him asking if he wanted Happy Hour Starbucks and his coworker found out (the one that figured out he was the one I was attracted to) and asked where her invite was then jokingly said that people were going to start thinking we were boyfriend/girlfriend if we kept it up. Baking cookies for each other etc. Without hesitation Obsession said "too late!" I'm guessing he's been given some crap.

5/10/19
I keep thinking it's a good thing we're not going to be seeing each other very often. I need the distance. I do well with Obsession but right now it's just too much. I need a break. I need the distance. I know that's something my Husband Creature would hate to hear and in all honesty I STILL don't understand this whole Obsession thing. My relationship with my Husband Creature is pretty amazing right now.

I am so foolish.

Obsession is still a Distraction

Blah! Sometimes I get frustrated with myself. This week in particular has been rough with Obsession. Rough meaning a little too good.

He's hugged me twice. Both times were his initiation. The first was to show his appreciation of my text telling him I was thinking about him and his family on the anniversary of his brother passing. He kept saying how surprised he was that I remembered the day, then finally said it meant a lot to him and hugged me. We kept getting interrupted and he kept bringing it back up. I suggested he use the journal I gave him to write out stories of his brother before he forgot. He seemed to really like the idea. But he tends to get sidetracked when it comes to writing like he wants to. The second hug was honestly I don't know why. We were talking about his interview and I was encouraging him and I was sort of walking him out and when he realized I wouldn't be there for his interview he said "well here let me give you a hug now". He held on longer this time. I was pulling away before he was done. 

We had a 2+ hr conversation about marriage earlier in the week. I was encouraging him in his. How he needed to worry more about her needs than his own if he felt there were issues. Sharing how my marriage was so different until I made some changes. I shared some YouTube videos of the books I've read and he actually watched one yesterday on the way in to work. Which surprised me. He said my battle for my marriage showed strength. 

We talked about the 5 love languages with another coworker and we both took the test. He's Touch and mine is Acts of Service. We talked about how we were going to have our spouses do it to see what theirs were so we can work towards showing them love in their language. 

It was a week full of information. He asked me about my diet. If Craig was shorter than me. How he's going back to school for his BA. He actually came to my office to say bye when he left work early one day....

Updated 4/15/19
The word "distraction" makes me cringe now... Especially when I use it as a description for work when talking to my Husband Creature.

Last week I didn't get to see Obsession as much. Which was good. I worked locally on a day I don't usually and he seemed disappointed that he wasn't going to see me. My old boss, who has since promoted made a joke that I don't start my work day till 7:30 or 8:00 which made me feel a little uncomfortable. I asked Obsession if anyone has commented to him. He said no, but that it might be best if I just say good morning and then come by on my breaks from now on. I felt bad. Like I was a bad employee. Though when we talk, he engaging, not dismissive. It's hard to step away. We both joke about how long our talks last. 20 min is always our answer.

Updated 4/17/19
Man things change so quickly! And yet took forever! How long have I been waiting to move full time to the local office? Almost a year and a half. Now it looks like I'll be moving to my local office full time here within the month! I'm super excited! And yes, a little sad to be leaving Obsession behind. But to be honest, it's about stinkin time! I desperately need him out of sight to move out of mind. When he found out he seemed shocked and in my opinion a little sad. He asked me when. I told him the date hasn't been set but that it'll be about a month. We talked on my way out and I mentioned that I would miss our chats, he gave a knowing nod. I felt my throat close up and I changed the subject. I almost cried talking to my Supervisor about it so it's going to be a challenge not to cry when the time comes. She's just so amazing and the atmosphere is so different then my local office but you can't put a price tag on time. I get so much more time being local!

One of the girls in Obsession's unit mentioned we'd all have to go to lunch before I go. I immediately worried about my Husband Creature who had already asked if my "distraction" was going to another work event. So last night I asked him if he'd be ok if I went to lunch with Obsession's unit.  He told me it was up to me. I told him that wasn't fair. But he asked if Obsession knew how I felt, I told him no that I didn't think it was appropriate. He said it would depend on if I'm the only girl, I said Obsession was the only guy. He said as long as I wasn't driving alone with Obsession, or sitting next to him, he wouldn't have an issue. So I've decided I'll go *if* they plan something. Otherwise I will just not push for it. Though part of me wants photos with each of them, meaning a selfie with Obsession. I already have a couple photos of us together so not sure it's necessary to get more. *Sigh*

A few details

So I'm thrilled with the changes in my marriage! Life has taken a turn and what could have been a very bad thing God turned into a good thing. Our communication is great! Our sex life is better than it's been in a LONG time.

My Husband Creature was having an issue with me continuing to talk to Colorado. He felt I was continuing the inappropriate relationship. I was in shock when he confronted me about it. He ran across our chat messages. He misunderstood a conversation and felt it was crossing a line. After my shock that he'd been reading my chats with Colorado I responded letting Husband Creature know there was nothing going on at all! Nothing in my heart wanted Colorado. And I explained what the conversation was about and how I could see how he misread it but there was nothing inappropriate in my heart about it. I asked if the conversation turned inappropriate after the statement that bothered him. He said no. I told him because it wasn't intended to be inappropriate. But it bothered him that we chatted daily, about nothing in particular, but still almost daily.

He was bothered that I sent Colorado a cute selfie. I told Husband Creature that he never seemed interested when I sent them to him anymore and it was a Snapchat filtered photo which was kind of a joke between me and Colorado. But I apologized for it. I told him if it would make him more comfortable I would stop chatting with Colorado altogether. That our marriage was WAY more important than that friendship. He told me what he said before still stood, he wasn't going to choose my friends. I then added that if there is a friendship making him uncomfortable I was going to end it. And did. I do kind of miss Colorado and our random chats. It kept me busy at work. But I feel somehow relieved as well. I guess I always knew it was somewhat inappropriate.

But in those chats with Colorado I had mentioned a "distraction" at work who I needed to get away from. This is how my Husband Creature came to find out about Obsession. (I've gotten so used to referring to Obsession as "Distraction" I have a hard time going to the original name.) He was bothered because I used the word "flutter" and "distraction" and needing to be transferred so it would be out of sight out of mind. I was completely mortified! Embarrassed! And most of all ashamed!

I told him it was something I try to fight, I pray about it, I've sought counseling/advice for it. I have a reaction and it's not something I can help. And that I'm embarrassed by it. That I don't want Obsession, that I want Husband Creature. That out of the two of us, Husband Creature was the more attractive and likely to have the opportunity to cheat. I told him it's not like Obsession is even aware of my reaction. Husband Creature asked for clarification, if Obsession came over to my office all the time and I said no. It's not like that. We're just friends. Husband Creature reminded me of conversations I've had about how many people cheat within the place I work, and how was he to know this guy was any different. So I clarified my conversation with Obsession about cheating and how we both agree it's completely wrong. That he won't even meet up with a woman friend at Starbucks to open up that door.

My Husband Creature took the night to figure out how he felt about everything that I shared. He did hug me for a long time before I went to bed that night. I had apologized for anything I did to make him feel uncomfortable or that I made him feel I wasn't being faithful to him.

The next night we had a nice Valentine's Night Dinner where we talked more and he shared after I apologized yet again, that based on what I shared I had nothing to apologize for. So since that moment we have been doing amazing! It's like a whole new level of closeness. It's been so wonderful! And I am truly grateful!

Now that's not to say Obsession is no longer a distraction. There are still moments I have to check myself. Like I walked around a corner and looked back and saw Obsession, said hey and went on my marry way. Obsession followed me and commented on my flirty eyes and I was confused as I didn't mean to present anything like that. I explained what I did and he hadn't heard me say hey. lol The other day I was feeling like he was pulling away. I wasn't sure why. But I asked him if I was bugging people coming over to say hello. He explained that another Supervisor in his unit had been sharing that all he does all day is watch movies which pissed him off so he'd been super careful on where his phone was and how long he chatted with his coworkers. It was like he knew I meant him. Though he did ask who I was getting weird vibes from. I shared two names. He said one loves when I come visit, which actually surprised me because she has always been hard to read. That night I was packing up my car as he walked out and had been laughing at something my carpool buddy said when I looked over and saw him. He said, who has that great laugh? I blushed. Talked crap about his slow driving. He mentioned that he drove by my house again. He thinks its amazing that I've started playing D & D for my husband and I to have something in common to do together. Anyways, this is a novel.

A LOT has changed

I have no idea how to write about all that has transpired since the day before Valentines Day. It's hard to even imagine writing a quick update.

Colorado and I have stopped talking. I did that for my Husband Creature.

Obsession is now labeled "Distraction" and my Husband Creature knows about him as well.

Right before my Husband Creature found out about Obsession things had shifted, and once he found out the shift continued. To the point of some annoyance and distance intentionally being put between us. It doesn't feel the same. The fun and enjoyment is gone. I believe that's a God thing. To save my marriage. But I'm ok with it as well.

In this moment I feel pulled away from everyone but my Husband Creature. Especially at work. People say things and I just get quiet and don't really care what they have to say. It's not worth it anymore.

Even meetups with my coworkers aren't as interesting to me. Sadly I was invited next week to go out to dinner with some coworkers and I checked with Husband Creature and he said it was fine, but then asked if my "Distraction" was going. My heart sank. To think my Husband Creature needed to even ask me that. It made me sad, embarrassed, disappointed in myself.

After I thought about it, if Obsession was actually at an outside event would I tell my Husband Creature? I think at this point I would do it for sure. But before he knew about him? Would I? That made me sad too.

Switch is still flipped

Almost a month later and the switch is still flipped. There is something comforting about that.

Work has been insane. I haven't felt like I can catch my breath in weeks. I'm even working over time this week to try and catch up. Today I feel a little less stressed but the work is still there. I keep thinking to myself I'm only one person. The girls from the local office seem to want to give me all the work they were covering and I'm not up here full time yet. So I'm feeling a little overwhelmed.

No time to flirt. No time to bullshit with Obsession. That could be part of the reason the switch is still flipped. But our conversations are still good. There's just not such an urgency to reach out to him. Though this morning I called him at work to find out how his Superbowl weekend was. He went to Vegas with the family. We BS'd a little. He asked when I was gonna be down again. Turns out tomorrow he's not going to be in the same office. So I won't see him all week. Though luckily I've talked to him a couple of times. But really the lack of urgency is the biggest change. I used to lose sleep, heart racing, constant thinking about him. He still pops into my head more than most people but nothing like it was.

Every morning I've been putting on the Full Armor of God. In the part of the Shield of Faith my prayer goes over my current temptations. Obsession, Gluttony and Lack of Organization at work have been my constant prayer since I started. Obsession and Lack of Organization is getting better. I'm currently still working on gluttony. But I hope to make some progress this month and start a new program once I can afford the groceries. Right now I'm just cutting back on sugar, trying to avoid carbs, drinking my water and taking vitamins. So we'll see how it goes.

Things are going well with my Husband Creature. He and I have been getting along really well. Last night he was edgy but I think we were both really tired. But we have some time Friday. My parents are going to pick up my Stinker Creature and keep him for a few hours. So I'm looking forward to having time with my Husband Creature. Cuddle time without a little person trying to get in the middle.

Last night I was watching Grimm and ironically the episode occurred on February 5th, 2016 which was exactly 3 years prior. Then, I see "the actor" as an extra on the show! I was blown away. I got all excited! I couldn't believe it. I was pointing him out to my Husband Creature and then realized, oh weird. I had sex with that guy. Did I tell my husband that?! lol It was awkward. I suddenly got quiet and blushed... Not sure why. It was well before I met Husband Creature but it felt awkward being so excited to see someone on tv and then remembering I'd slept with them! lol

Flipped a Switch

It's odd, I'm suddenly not as obsessed. Like a switch has been flipped off. I wonder how long this will last?

Post It

Trying really hard not to obsess over a Post It note...

I stopped by the other office yesterday for a quick pitstop. Just a couple of hours. I walked into my office and he had placed my tupperware on my desk with a Post It saying "Thank you *Insert Name* You're the Best! 'Obsession'" I stopped by his office and we had a few minutes to catch up. He said he couldn't help but talk about me that last weekend. Of course the idea that he was thinking about me enough to talk about me made my heart beat increase a bit.

Apparently he also drove by my place sometime during the break because he was able to say he saw my Christmas lights and the last I heard he hadn't driven by yet.

And I scanned a note to him without my name. I didn't get a response so I immediately felt stupid and foolish. All it said was "Miss me yet? :)" And I guess he didn't know who it was from. He thought it was from another guy coworker. He seemed pleasantly surprised that it was from me. He knew exactly what I was referring to as soon as I brought it up making me wonder if he had his suspicions but didn't want to reply in case it wasn't me.

Anyways, I just saw Rams tickets on sale at Groupon and sent him a link. He thanked me, but it looked like it was a reply from his phone. I wish I had paid closer attention when he was telling his other coworker his personal email when she sent him a link. Oh well, if I sent him anything he'd probably think it was strange. lol