I have a lot of emotions going through my brain this morning. Partly because I didn't sleep well, and partly because I don't feel what I think I am supposed to feel about Obsession. I feel like there is nothing inappropriate about our friendship. But my best friend seems to feel differently. She seemed irritated with me with the last events that took place and kind of laid me out for them. And I still, trying to look at it her way, am not seeing the problem. Sure he's flirty, so am I. I know I feel like the friendship is more one-sided. I feel like I'm his ego-boost and I don't get much in return. Then there are moments... Moments when I feel like he shares in his own way that my friendship means something to him. My best friend basically said he's a male chauvinist pig who's insecure and needs my ego boosts. She says I'm hurting my marriage. And still, I struggle to see how.
I haven't seen Obsession in weeks. Not intentionally. He's just been out of his office the last few times when I've been down there. I finally emailed him. He said he was starting to wonder. (Not exactly sure what.) Then I saw him Tuesday. Within seconds he asked if I missed him. I almost didn't catch it, it was kind of under his breath. Of course said yes, but kept the conversation going. Now I wish I would have asked him in return. We caught up for about 20 minutes. Sometimes I wonder if the vibe I get from him is true or my own imagination. My irritation is that it feels so one-sided. I email him, he doesn't typically reach out to me. He always seems eager when I do though.
Looking back through the last few email threads, there have been a lot of fun interactions. But again I know where my heart is at. I'm no longer as obsessive. And my marriage is doing really well!
But lately, probably because I've been pushing myself too hard and not getting much me-time, I'm feeling low. Not really myself. To be honest, I'm either pregnant or going through pre-menopause. lol My periods have been a little off the last couple of months. Part of me wants to take a pregnancy test to be safe. My parents are having a yard sale and I'm getting rid of all my baby stuff and it would be ironic if I found out I was pregnant after the fact. Maybe I'll grab a test today and just take it to be safe. Goodness it would be overwhelming to be pregnant that this stage in life.
Oh and hunkofbabe now shows as single of Facebook. Still irritates me that he deleted me after adding him. Not sure why he deleted me. He added my sister and that annoyed the crap out of me lol Oh well. And I've been curious about Colorado more lately. He's been updating his profile pic on facebook quite a bit. Looks like he's living his best life. I'm happy for him. Ex and I have chatted off and on for a while now. Most of the time the conversations are on the surface. Nothing too intense. I find that I reach out when I'm feeling needy or lonely or wanting attention which makes me nervous. So I go weeks without communicating to keep the distance. I really don't know why. He's not attractive. Not a draw. He doesn't compliment me. I'm weird.
Anyways, back to Obsession. He's off today because his wife is having a procedure done to check on a mass. I can imagine his concern. Makes me want to reach out. But after my conversation with my best friend I feel I need to keep my distance. Even if I'm not sure that it's all bad. If an outsider is looking at our friendship as inappropriate I need to really take heed and be cautious. I love my husband and we've been doing so well for the last year and a half almost two years now! And I thank God for that! Well I have to get going...
