Sometimes I feel I'm holding onto something I can't have...

My ex... He and I broke up over a year ago because of my spiritual beliefs. He was not capable then (and now) of being a spiritual leader. I have always desired a man that had the same faith if not more faith then I, who can encourage me to be devoted to God above himself. Well my ex and I broke up because we both knew that's what I wanted and he wasn't going to be that man. A year later and often slipping back into a sexual relationship with each other I find myself wanting him more then ever. Then with everything my brother-in-law has done I have found myself doubting what is considered a "spiritual leader". How can I say, "this man is a godly man and this one is not" when I have a brother-in-law whom I respected and looked up to for his spiritual leadership in my sisters home who has gone off the deep end and went off and had an affair? It has thrown my whole ideal out the window and has made me doubt that I made the right decision in leaving my ex. Mostly because after a year I still have just as strong of feelings for him as the day before I left him. Nothing has changed as far as where he is with God, though he goes to church and is committed to it.

So I talked to my parents about it. They actually understood where I was coming from and were just as confused. They see how my ex still treats me, which is VERY good, and they just don’t know themselves anymore. I started looking towards possibly getting back together with my ex. I spoke with him a week ago about “us” and he is still in the same frame of mind. “Nothing has changed between us, so why would it work this time?” I, of course, felt everything changed, considering that my whole ideal I now doubt as being possible and that any man could be the one God intended for you. But we’re on the same path, loving one another, wanting one another and not being able to go further with one another.

This week has been a hard one for me. I have found myself resenting the fact that I’m in love with a man that I can’t have. I resent the fact that he’s not willing to give it another try. And to make it worse, I respect him for standing up under my confusion because he understands my life is in turmoil and I’m not in any frame of mind to make this kind of decision. I resent the fact that I am not able to control these feelings and keep them to myself as my ex does. I am a girl, he is a guy. I understand that is a key factor.

We spoke again this morning and I finally came to grips with the fact that I know he loves me, I know he wants me, I know he needs me and this is just as hard on hime as it is me. He is frustrated he can’t get over me. I am frustrated I can’t get over him. This is why I question whether we’re even *supposed* to get over one another. If it’s been this long and neither of us can let go, are we really supposed to be fighting these feelings? Well until my turmoil stops I don’t know that I can make an educated decision. Right now it would be based solely on my emotions. I would hate for a decision to be made and then another year down the road I realize that the spiritual leader is still an issue.

So here I go, spending the weekend with my ex… Wondering if we’ll have sex… Wondering if he’ll even want to… Wondering if I will be ok if he is the strong one and says it would not be a good idea… Wondering if I should have more self respect not to have sex or hold it against him for being strong… I guess I will find out.

Barely Staying Afloat

There are so many things going on in my life right now that I am surprised I'm as sane as I am! I feel myself barely staying above it all. Sometimes I get overwhelmed and it overtakes me. I am on the edge.

With everything happening to my sister, my church, my love life, and a few other little things I realize that it can only be by the grace of God that I'm not off the deep end. He has to be giving me an unnatural strength to bear up under it all. I get nervous at times that I might just snap. My whole family is just barely hanging on.

My brother-in-law is a jerk. He has broken off his affair but has seemed to take on the roll of 'asshole'. He shows my sister NO respect and the worst part is my sister can't seem to fight it. She feels like she deserves it somehow. Or that just showing him love will win him back to her. She has told me at one point that she wants her husband to look back at this moment and say "you were the ONLY one that had faith in me, when everyone else thought I was a lost cause, I love you." But the thing is... I can understand her viewpoint. The problem though is that he's not being like that. If anything he's defiant about it all. Expecting my sister to cater to him and his needs! Instead of being humbled and pursuing her. He doesn't seem broken at all about it. He seems self righteous.

He has said that her fault in the marriage problems was a slow killing cancer and all he has done is amputated a limb (speaking through medical analogies). My question is... Which is worse? A slow killing cancer you can prepare for or the immediate removal of a limb you were so dependent on? And that limb being amputated with a dull knife at that! He says this is not justification for his actions but as far as I can tell it's all about justifying his actions! My sister so desperately wants her marriage restored. In some respects, at the cost of her own happiness. I think she feels its best for the kids.

Right now I'm afraid for her. I'm afraid that her husband will never respect her again. I just don't understand how a man I used to look up to could turn so evil in a matter of months! That someone I said "I hope to find a man like that" about, could be someone I could never respect again. It just doesn't make sense. Men have had affairs... When they chose their wife they usually come back humbled and humiliated. But my brother-in-law seems so cruel and evil. It's a night and day difference in personality. I sometimes wonder if he's truly broken it off with "the Other Woman"... Or if he's on some kind of drugs...

I pray that God will open her eyes or his, whichever it takes, though I'm less likely to hope for his return to the right path then her to turn away from him. But God would pray for both so I try. The hatred I feel for him is intense. And yet it's almost like he's dead to me.

My sister is visiting relatives in another state so he can get his head on straight. But in that time he has bombarded her with calls so much that she has told him no more and that he can call the kids to say goodnight but that's it... He has also called and said that he missed the kids and to send them home and worse yet he added... if you were submissive to me you would send them! What an @$$#*(%!!!!! These are the kinds of comments that make me think he is evil and has turned to the dark side. This is not the man I thought he was. Of course my sister said no way to sending her two children back home to him on a plane unattended accept by flight attendent! Either way these are the things I have been struggling to just let go. To just realize I can't change ANY of it! I have to let God do His work. Whether that means restoration of their marriage (please God no!), or my sister goes through a divorce.

I have to wait and love my sister unconditionally even when I'm starting to lose respect for her lack of courage and standing up for herself. I was in an abusive relationship a few years back and my family begged me to leave him and I couldn't. Some reason I didn't think I could live without him. No matter what they said to me I never left him. Then one day, whether all their comments finally sunk in or God just changed my heart, I felt like a lightbulb went on in my head and I walked away and never looked back! I never regretted leaving him. I was grateful I had. It took me 2 1/2 years to walk away. All the while my family begging me to leave him. I wasn't married with two kids either... So how would that change things? Would it make it easier to not think of myself but my children and the absolute disrespect for the marriage vows? Or would it make it harder? I'm inclined to think it would make it harder... So does this mean I have to be willing to hear all these horrible, evil things he does to her for 2 1/2 years!?! I am unsure. I remember there were good times in my abusive relationship. So far I haven't seen much good come from my brother-in-law since this has all come about.

Well this is just one of the many things I've been forced to face on a daily basis. I think I will leave it at this... I will explain the church and my love life in the next post.