Sleep Walking?

I'm still not sure what or how it happened. I woke up this morning extremely exhausted. It was still dark, it's always dark when I get up and get ready. For some reason this morning I was seriously having a hard time standing. I just wanted to crawl back into bed. I noticed that the big hand was almost past the point of being late and I always try to be ready by the time the big hand is on the 9. I am almost done. I go into my room and go to grab my glasses and other stuff like my cell phone and I noticed the clock said 12:35am! What the....!?! I look at my cell phone. It says the same thing. Holy cow! This can't be right! How in the world did I wake up. I set my alarm for 4:45am! I pressed snooze and everything. Or did I? I started to doubt myself. I started to get creeped out. I started to worry what the hell was I thinking! I have 6 hours before I have to leave for work! I sat at the edge of my bed for a few minutes trying with everything in me to figure out what the heck happened. I gave up. Took off my clothes and tried to go back to sleep without messing up my hair and makeup too bad.

So here I am at work. Tired, zoned and wanting my bed. As much as I'm embarrassed this has happened I've been telling everyone. And some have asked if I'm under a lot of stress or anxious about something. Well last night I got into an argument with my sister. She is still holding onto hope for reconciliation for a husband that according to the bible is NO LONGER her husband. But she is still holding onto hope that some day he will realize the error of his ways and want her back. This thought sickens me. Why would *she* want him back!? And not only that, why is she sitting there hoping he'll want *her* back!? I argued because she was telling me she wasn't holding on and that she was letting go. I told her flat out not to lie to me. Maybe she's just trying to convince herself. But it bugs me that I can hear her lying and she thinks I'm dumb enough to believe it. I love my sister. I want her to be happy. I don't want her to be with her husband. He doesn't love her and he won't make her happy. He hasn't seen the error of his ways. In fact he is now only coming around because his girlfriend got sick of his lies and is now moving away. How convenient that he's now suddenly saying "I'm starting to see..... " Bullshit! Starting to see... He should have seen immediately and came crawling back on his knees. Why would he try to pursue my sister? She's already his. And he knows it! I'm saddened by all of this.

I don't mean to make my sister cry. I want to be a support but sometimes I can't handle her viewpoints. I apologized and she's ok with me now. But I'm just sick that she even still cares for him as much as she does. She even is angry herself that she still loves him and wants it to work. But she seems to think that's God giving her an extra dose of love. As far as I can see it's desperation and not God. I could be wrong but a lot has happened. She's even walked in on him and the girl. That made her angry for 2 days. To the point of a divorce. Now she's back to just a legal separation and with how she talks sometimes I question whether or not she's even going to go through with that! The paperwork is in. I pray that it will be completed soon. She tries to be indifferent. I can see that. But then she allows herself to be put into positions where things will happen. I know that feeling. I did/do it with my ex all the time. If I wouldn't mind "slipping up", I stay at his house longer then everyone else. He's the one that has to be strong and hold out otherwise things usually just happen. But I put myself there. If I didn't really want it to happen, I wouldn't stay, I would leave. I at least know this about myself. I don't believe my sister sees this in her situation yet. But even if she does, is she willing to change it? She's already making thanksgiving dinner plans with him and the kids... WHY!? I have no clue.

Anyways, there is so much more but I'm at work and need to get busy.

Clandestine: Kept or Done in Secret

I was so proud of the title picked out for my blog. It was the perfect describing word for what I was going to use it for. But something happened last night that irked me! It's so sad that someone that I don't like very much, using a word I appreciate and means so much to me, makes me not want to use the word. It's a great word. But the context of which she used it was really... REALLY annoying. Needless to say, I have gotten over it enough to continue using the word and moving forward. I did feel the need to share it on this blog specifically.

My ex is meeting with his ex Wednesday evening. She is the one who used the word "clandestine" for their meeting which bothered me greatly. My ex is only meeting her so that he can set things straight for the sake of his friend/her brother and have her understand that there is no possible way they could get back together... Now that he and I are not together anymore I believe deep down inside she felt I was the only reason he broke up with her.... I know better but she's been holding onto this hope I believe since the moment I became his girlfriend. Her family had it in their head that I was this whore who seduced him away from her. Until I sat down and explained it to her brother who happens to be a good friend of mine too. I answered a lot of his questions and he realized in the end that they have been basing how they view me on incorrect information. The sad thing is I don’t believe his sister, my ex’s ex, really ever accepted that. I believe because of the abrupt end to their relationship she still feels I was at fault. Anyways, it will be interesting to see what happens with Wednesday and their “clandestine” meeting which isn’t so clandestine since I know about it. ;)

Anyways, onto other updates. My brother-in-law has left my sister, told the kids he no longer loves her and is in love with another woman. My sister is planning on filing for legal separation. And to be honest... that's enough about that. I'm so tired of dealing with it anymore.

My brother officially has a girlfriend. I’ve met her and she’s sweet and adores him which I think is good for him.

My ex and I have gone back and forth with physical affection. We again came to the conclusion that sleeping together is probably not the wisest thing if we’re trying to move on. So we’ve been good for a few weeks now. ;) I’m determined to stay away. The pathetic thing is I read back through this blog and my goodness we have failed plenty of times at staying away from each other for sex. But hey, we try at least. So my goal is to not sleep with him. Whether I’ve failed numerous times I need to keep that goal in my head. I don’t want to just say, “Oh why try, I can never seem to stop myself anyways.” We haven’t been alone in a private place yet, so that’s probably a good thing.

Well I should get busy with work, though it seems that everyone in the office is having a bad day. I want steer clear of everyone!