Life and it's changes

Man, I'm in so much shock with how much everything has changed since my last post. July 30th... Now in December. 

I have been thinking A LOT about Colorado. I was so tempted to send him a message via Hangouts. It's been weird how much I've been drawn to him. It's rather annoying. I made the mistake of opening hangouts in my gmail and it wouldn't let me disconnect. I had to go in the settings and disable hangouts in my gmail so I wouldn't constantly see his name and be tempted. 

I'm angry at Obsession at the moment. I'm trying not to let him get to me but I'm just over the fact that I always feel so unimportant when it comes to him. Some days I feel like he notices my absence. But it's very RARE. Lately though it feels like he could care less about staying in contact. I am miserable with my weight and work and foot pain. I see his name and I flip it off. What do I want? What do I expect? Why do I care!? Ugh... Why is it that I even waste my time on someone that doesn't give me the time of day? I have so many other people that make me feel important. And if I think about it, there are other people who I know care about me that don't always make me feel as important. So are my expectations too high? I think they might be. I read too much into circumstances. The one that's currently pissing me off with Obsession is I tried to reach out to him in work chat. I asked if he used it, he said "Hey..." and then dropped off. And nothing since. So why respond if you don't use it? And in the past it feels like if we dropped off without much communication he'd send an email. Rare, but he'd still make an effort. Fuck me... I'm too sensitive. 

I'm depressed I think. My weight. My pain. My job. My finances. Just everything. So I think ultimately I'm hoping to get reassured by people rather than God. And I'm so busy I just don't have time to just sit in His presence and just typing that sounds horrible. Nothing is satisfying in life these days. My joy is depleted. I need to just put my head down and seek God. 

Mixed Emotions

Sometimes I think about how many women are attracted to Obsession and make comments about him. A couple ladies came into my office and were looking at photos I had up (a couple group photos have Obsession in them) and they made comments like:

"He's like the expensive meat you just look at through the glass but can't afford to buy."  "Most of the girls at training were just staring longingly while he taught the class."

... And I think... I'm his friend! Sometimes I'm surprised that I get to know him as well as I do. Lately he's been very responsive to emails. Surprisingly so. He doesn't initiate them often but he does seem more prone to admitting that he misses me, or was wondering why he didn't see me when he expected to. I have to admit something in the way he said he missed me made my heart flutter... 

"By the way, missed you today..." 

Ugh! It still gets to me. And he probably meant it as friendly as possible lol And I'm *still* reading into it! Or when he comments like "I expected to see you on Tuesday, what happened?" In previous situations he never asked for an explanation lol  

That started when I shared that the reason he showed up in my journals was because at-the-time he was everything I wanted Husband Creature to be. I did share that as much as I thought he (Obsession) was almost perfect, my Husband Creature was perfect... for me. And that it took me a bit to stop looking at what I couldn't have and started to appreciate what I did have. 

Maybe he was concerned prior to that statement that my crush was borderline ... Obsession. lol Or maybe it was flattering enough but he realized I didn't expect anything from him in return. Or maybe he liked knowing. But he's known how I've felt before. I think me getting a little frustrated at him for asking if I missed him threw him into an avoidance mode. Or who knows... lol And Covid shut downs didn't help. It really sucked when his Work At Home day was the same day I came to his office. That was months of not getting to see him. But that ended in July. I've only seen him 2x since then. I get to see him tomorrow so that'll be fun. 

It doesn't help that my conversations with Obsession have been fun as of late and my Husband Creature and I are just not on the same page. It's weird. He shuts down, I shut down, we communicate (minimally) about trying to be on the same page, we do fine for a few moments and then *poof* pissy again. Ugh... I'm frustrated at it. I'm trying to have grace for him but I just don't get his justification for being so moody. We'll get through it. We always do. I have to be careful with Obsession though. Putting him on a pedestal isn't healthy for my marriage.  

Stress

 So much has happened and changed. I went through a bit of a depression of sorts. My parents moved out of state and I've always been super close to them. My stress level is at an all-time high at work and outside of work that I can barely function. My weight is all over the place. I lost weight, gained it back and then some with all the trips I've been on. I will say my body is just shutting down. I struggle to stay awake at work. 

Colorado Etc.

I don't know what it is but Colorado has been on my mind a lot lately. I miss our conversations. I miss the challenges he'd make me face. He'd challenge my thinking. And honestly he'd make me feel good about myself. He'd also piss me off beyond belief. lol But I want to know how he's doing. It's hard not to reach out. And it's hard to believe it's been so long since we've talked. In fact today is the anniversary of his email to me acknowledging that I told him for my marriage's sake I needed to stop communication with him. 3 years. Crazy. A lot can change in that timeframe. I wonder if he thinks about me this same way, wondering how I'm doing. 

When I start to reach out to my Ex, or seek attention from Obsession, or struggle not contacting Colorado... I wonder what part of my insecurity is needing to be fed by the attention. 

Flip Flop

We're still waiting to hear when the services will be held for my Father-In-Law. Hopefully we'll find out by the end of this week. My Husband Creature seems to be handling it well enough. He's admitted to keeping himself busy on purpose.  

So Obsession sent an email... on his own! A week ago today. I was pretty melancholy that day so it didn't really hit me till later that he actually thought about me enough to initiate correspondence. It had been a few weeks since we'd seen or talked to each other and I was feeling a little pulled away because of my annoyance with him. Since then there have been a couple of emails back and forth for different reasons. 

Yesterday he made me happy by responding to a note I scanned to his email address on the scanner from his area. "This can only be one person... Hello Clandestine... lol" Something about that response makes me happy. That he finally recognizes things as being from me. And his response makes me think that it put a smile on his face. 

A coworker is retiring and turning 60 and having a big ole party. She text me over the weekend to find out if I was available to take photos of the event. It sounded like a ton of fun but I am going out of town that same day early in the morning. Turns out he was invited. I have been curious if he *AND* his wife planned to go. He's close with this coworker so I would imagine so. Then I think of the awkwardness of me being the photographer at the event. Part of me hopes my trip gets cancelled and I can be the photographer after all but then another part is grateful for a good reason not to be able to. The other thought is if he comes without his wife... That could be fun. lol 

I sometimes remember back to one of the first work events I went to and he was there. He asked who my people were and said he'd often wondered. And he kept close to me even though he knew a ton of people from the years on the job. How I asked if I could get a photo with just him. How I shared that song "Fun" with him. I wonder if he remembers it. 

I wonder a lot of things. Mostly I wonder what the heck he thinks of me. The fact that he took time out to send an email means it's not one sided. "It" being the friendship. As far as attraction. I still feel that it's pretty much one-sided. He may wonder from time-to-time but I would imagine it's a fleeting thought and not like my own obsessive thoughts. 

And yes, the title of this blog is my overall ability to flip flop on my feelings about Obsession in general. For a few weeks there I could care less about him. As of this week it seems I've renewed the obsession. 

Obsession has said a couple of times he'll see me the next time I come down or that he'll see me soon. I keep bringing up the fact that it might be a bit since he's doing his WAH days the day I come down. He always reiterates... "I'm sure I'll see you soon..." So next week will be over a month since I've seen him. And surprisingly it's only been two weeks without any communication. I need to keep my distance. I can tell...

Mourning

Mourning: There's something about mourning that causes other issues to seem so small... It shows what's really important. And what's really important is my Husband Creature and Stinker Creature. My Husband Creature's father passed away last Wednesday. My heart is sad. Sad for my Husband Creature and even more sad for my Stinker Creature who loved his Grandpa and no longer has him around. Sad for me. Sad we don't have our family drives down to Grandpa's place. Sad I don't have someone who gives me awkward hugs. I'll miss his laugh or how he greeted each of us whenever he'd see us. I'll miss his beautiful japanese'ish garden.

We did a private viewing yesterday. Just me and my boys. I wasn't sure what to expect. But it was serene, calming and peaceful. I'm not sure what I expected. But I guess I imagined a more cold environment. It was completely unexpected. Completely emotional. All three of us crying together. It was therapeutic. It was oddly beautiful. And I'm grateful for the moment to say goodbye and tell my Father-In-Law that I was sorry and would take care of them for him as tears streamed down my cheeks. Stinker Creature wanted to go outside so I took him and gave Husband Creature his own time with his dad. Walking out the door I felt like I was so sad to never see him again... Tears welled up all over again and I had to remove my mask to breathe. After another 5-10 minutes Husband Creature came out with red eyes and he decided he wanted to visit family members gravesites. 

After that amazingly real experience we had a rougher one later in the afternoon with Husband Creature's Aunt at my Father-In-Law's house. But I don't want to focus on that experience. I am uncertain what the future holds with Husband Creatures extended family. But for now... We mourn... *Sigh* 

Obsession: So it looks like Obsession has switched his one WAH (Work At Home) day to the one day I'm down at his office. At first I was really sad about it. But now I'm so wrapped up in what's happening with my family and I think it's for the best that he's not around as a distraction. I'm kind of angry at him. Feels like he did it on purpose. I called him out on it and he said it was the only day available. Best case is I see him in a month, worse case, on a rare occasion until the one WAH day is removed because Covid is miraculously cured. lol Which will probably not be the case for a while. So we'll see how long I go without seeing him. And how long I go without emailing him... 

I think He's Opted Out

So I think Obsession has opted out of putting in for transferring to my location. And as much as I am kind of sad I think it's truly for the best. In fact, the more I thought about it, I wouldn't have the freedoms I do now with chatting with him when he's at my location. And he really has a good gig where he's at. But alas... I'm still really sad.

Obsession Strikes Again

Yesterday I saw Obsession. He was inviting and sweet. Offering to have me sit with him and his coworkers. (Reminds me of the conversation I had with him about him saying he'd drag me by the arm to join in to existing conversations when I swing by) He commented on liking the color on my toes. Noticing my tiny almost non-existent pinky toe nail and teasing me about it. lol The other staff barely stuck around. I even commented that I didn't mean to drive them away. 

We talked for a while. Almost 2 hours. We talked about his wife's medical issues finally. They are waiting to get a procedure scheduled for a biopsy. He started to complain about his wife. The fact that she's not interested in the same things he is and how when the kids leave the house he's concerned they won't have anything in common. It was the complete cliché. Talking to a coworker you find attractive about the troubles of your marriage and how easy it is to slip into an affair. 

The warning signs caused me to revert to marriage counseling mode. I was encouraging him to try to find common ground. Focus on the positives in their relationship. I didn't feed into his negativity. I kept thinking of my best friend and her 20 year marriage and how close they are. Worrying that Obsession is definitely not in the same place after his 20 years of marriage. He joked that his brother had good luck online dating. Nothing long term but fun with gorgeous women. I reminded him he wouldn't like that. He joked that he would. I said sure for maybe a few weeks but ultimately he would want someone to spend his life with. He really is negative about his marriage at this point. He is a thrill seeker and wants his wife to be the same. He wants to get out and hike, and snorkel, and be in nature. I get her perspective. I'd rather stay inside and just relax. Though they have a pool and spa and she won't join him for either. I can't imagine not wanting to have a glass of wine and relax in the spa with my Husband Creature. And of course I couldn't imagine saying no to Obsession either. But I haven't been married for 20 years. I told Obsession to find something they both like. That he can't expect her to be a different person than she is. But there has to be something they both like to do. Though I also got married late in life. I knew what I wanted in a person. I had settled into who I was. Obsession married young. He's not one to leave his wife. But I can tell he's struggling and a bit resentful that she's not as willing to try new things. But I reminded him of areas she has tried. And letting him know there were things that my husband liked that I wasn't into and visa versa. 

He was engaging. He kept the conversations flowing. When I was starting to wind down a conversation he'd ask another question to keep it going. The other really pretty girl came through and he brought her into the conversation but kept me involved. And as I was getting ready to leave after she did he kept on talking to me. It wasn't until my boss came in that the conversation was ended. It was late. I should have left 15 minutes prior. And honestly I'm not sure how or why my boss came into Obsession's office. He didn't try to talk to him. Maybe he overheard my voice. Not sure. But he walked me out. I felt awkward. Like I'd been caught doing something wrong. (I guess I kind of was...) Or maybe someone had told him I was in Obsession's office. It stressed me out that Obsession shared that we were talking about marital discord. But... oh well. 

It looks like Obsession is moving forward with submitting his interest in transferring to my location. I'm nervous. Especially since he said he shared some things with me that he's never said to anyone. It almost feels like he's going out of his way to make me realize I matter to him. That he wants to share with me. Yet every time I wonder if there is a mutual attraction I shake my head like there is no way he'd find me attractive. Especially with the one really pretty girl coming through all the time. But he enjoys me as a person. I have come to accept that. 

Obsession is really into TikTok lately. I haven't been able to get into it myself. That's something the really pretty girl and him have in common. She's really into making videos, but I have come to understand she's kind of full of herself. She knows she's beautiful and wants to show it. Luckily Obsession doesn't seem to entertain her. He doesn't follow her on TikTok which makes me kind of happy. 

Colorado has popped into my head a lot lately. Not sure why. There is a photo he posted to Facebook back in November that is really nice. He looks good. It makes me happy for him. Wishing I could just check in and see how he's doing. But I know for my Husband Creature's sake, I need to keep my distance. It's too easy for us to reconnect and take things too far. 

Ex has proven to be challenging as well. He's pushed the conversation to move to an inappropriate place a number of times. I keep my distance but we still chat here and there. It's weird to me because he admits that his wife wouldn't be happy to hear that we talk. I know my Husband Creature is fine with me talking to old flings as long as it's casual. And for the most part it is. Ex sometimes gets carried away. I do my best to discourage it. He was super concerned for me when he found out I had Covid last month though. He kept checking in on me no matter how many times I told him I was experiencing no real symptoms. Not sure why he was so worried. But it kept us in communication for a while. It's been a bit and I'm ok with that. 

Anyways, we'll see how it goes with Obsession, especially if he signs on for my location. The idea thrills me and scares me to death. One part of me imagines him storming into my office, shutting my door and pushing me up against the wall... *sigh* (Similar to my experience with Latin Lover at the hotel in San Francisco, which today is one of the most ostentatious experiences I've ever had.) The other part of me imagines he'll be so busy or worried about how it looks coming to my office he'll avoid me... Making me sad. Either way, I really kind of wish I didn't have to deal with either. Both would be bad.

Endearment

I saw Obsession Tuesday. It was a basic conversation. Nothing exciting. But oddly I leave wanting more... Wishing I had more time. Wanting to email him and realizing it's just silly. I enjoy talking with him. I miss him. I just wish it wasn't inappropriate to go sit at Starbucks for hours on end. 

I mentioned an embarrassing moment when he gave me a hard time about a comment I made being a little bit ditsy (without saying that straight out). He couldn't remember the comment. I couldn't remember the details but told him I remembered being embarrassed. He laughed and says well just know I only say things to tease you... as a term of endearment. He said it with focus and made sure I was paying attention and making eye contact. It felt electric, like he had a deeper meaning. The look left an impression let's put it that way. 

He has a weird work schedule because of Covid so after finding out he doesn't work every Tuesday and that we wouldn't see each other next week he said he was going to try to change it so he wouldn't be so confused with each week being different.

***The above was written January 8th. ***

Obsession was at work the following Tuesday. I guess he worked out his schedule to be there. Interestingly he made a point to get up and hug me, whereas last week was an oddity, instead of getting up to hug me he said he'd keep his distance because things with Covid being so out of control. I was actually not expecting him to hug me that day.

And I may be in trouble... Looks like Obsession is thinking about indicating interest in a new development at my location. ACK! I seriously don't know if I could handle it... I'd be annoyed if he didn't make an effort to come say hi, and then I would hate to constantly worry about what I look like. lol Or be super aware of who is where when I walk around the building. Blah... He's on a current assignment and he's going to ask if he can maintain it. He feels like this might be the only opportunity to get back up to a local position. I'm nervous. There aren't a lot of workers that are local to the area so he's almost guaranteed a position. If he does move forward with indicating interest, he will be at my office no later than July 1st! Lordy lordy! I had a dream about him that night. Clearly he was on my brain. 

Sometimes I read through my posts and they feels so mundane and overanalyzed and others my heart flutters like it did in the moment but I'm telling you there is electricity. 

He seemed truly surprised when I told him I didn't expect to live in our state forever. That I planned to move. But who knows how soon that will happen. Could be 10 years. Could be 2. We will have to wait and see. I need to head out...