Been Busy

So I've been really busy the last couple weeks. My brothers family came out and we had a wonderful family time. I took off from work a lot and spent some quality time with the neices and nephews and the rest of the fam. It's always so nice to be with family!

This week I have felt that I've been recooperating from something. Not sure what all took place or if I'm just fighting a cold... But it's been pretty hectic and I've felt like all I do is get up, get ready, rush to work, work the best I can, leave, drive home, eat, pick up books for whatever evening project I'm working on (weight loss group, youthgroup, class, etc), get home, get ready for bed and do it all over again. This is my Monday - Thursday. Thursday evenings I usually can relax for myself unless work needs overtime, then Thursdays are my days for overtime. Every-other-friday is devoted to a church meeting now. So I guess in a way I've felt overwhelmed. But this weekend I literally laid in bed all day! I had a huge migraine and it took most of the day to calm down. Sunday though I got a lot accomplished in my room. I unpacked one of my final boxes and have only one big box left. I have boxes of paperwork after that to finish the job. I got lamps hung up so that was a relief...

So after all that. I am still struggling with my ex, who told me that after listening to old messages from the girl got all choked up and has been depressed all weekend. I am sitting here trying to wonder how a barely dating relationship could cause that. So I asked the question... Did any physical affection happen. He didn't want to tell me. Which basically answered my question. But finally he said that they had kissed and held hands. This was hard to hear. My heart was pounding and I was immediately choked up. I gulped down and started looking at it as his friend. I immediately felt horrible for him. I immediately was upset at this girl who kissed him, held his hand and then suddenly stopped and even asked him to stop asking her to do things without any explanation as to why accept she was uncomfortable because their families were so close.

It hurts. I mean he was my first everything. It's hard to imagine going and kissing on someone else right now. So it's hard for me to comprehend him moving on so quickly. But that's how men are. It was just a little sad that he was so broken up about her when all they did was kiss and hold hands. But then again he's never been alone. He went from one girl to the next and this is the longest he's been without someone. I'm sure he put a lot of hope in those kisses. I do feel bad for him.

I am bummed. Though it puts further closure to our relationship. Sadly he's called me a lot this weekend. Every time I felt distant and wondered why he was calling when all he was doing was being miserable about the girl. But then when I would feel like something I said sounded too mean I wanted to make sure he was ok with me. I don't want to walk away just because he kissed the girl. I mean yes, we have a history, yes he is the only person I've had sex with, yes I gave him more of my heart then most, but sadly I have to move on. There is no hope for our future other then friends.

I keep thinking back to my sister who told me how she didn't know how she could go on seeing her first around town. She said she believed God took him away because He knew she couldn't handle it. How is this going to work for me? I see him every day at work! How am I going to handle this? It's painful at times. And yet at times its easy because he and I hid our relationship from the office for so long, it's easy to pretend we're nothing more then friends.

Yet how can he be so over me and so worked up about this girl? I haven't kissed anyone since him. I have had attractions to other men but nothing has surfaced. Maybe I would feel different if I had someone that was a possibility.

So now what I have to do is just realize that God has something else out there for me. I'm strong enough to not only be on my own, but to see the man who I lost my virginity with every weekday! That has to be a strong person indeed that can do that. But yet it's been done all the time. I am unsure of where our friendship will go from here. I feel a seperation happening. I'm less concerned about his feelings. I'm less worried about what he's doing. This whole thing with this girl really helped me let go of him. I mean he will ALWAYS have a part of my heart... and right now it's a large part of my heart. But I'm alone. I need to be ok with that and KNOW that I made the right decision. There is someone out there that will bring me closer to God. Who will help me grow spiritually.

Well I gotta go.