An Affair ...

My brother-in-law is having an affair!

It's hard to focus. We had our fears because he was acting so strange but he denied it being another woman until the proof was brought to the forefront. I have no respect for him anymore. I am sick to my stomach with just an ache for my sister and what she must be going through. I want to string him up by his balls because he's not a real man, a real man wouldn't cheat on his wife of 10 years! It's hard to believe that this is happening to my family.

It feels like it must be a movie. He hasn't even made a decision to leave "the other woman" yet! My sister needs to drop him like a bad habit. She needs to leave him out on his butt. I can't even look at him. I don't know that I even want the restoration of this marriage. How can she ever touch him again!? How can I ever look at him again?! It makes me sick. He makes me sick.

The worst part is, even after the truth has been brought out, he is having a hard time letting go of a woman who is single, has a kid, is not a christian, yet he can tell my sister that he has every right to divorce her because she deceived him, she said she would try to be the Proverbs 31 woman and she's not! What a jerk! How dare he talk about virtue and deception when all along he has been doing it!

This has gone on a while. Even to the point of him wanting to marry "the other woman"! My poor neice and nephew. To have a father like that. And to think he even go them involved... He took them to the beach, wouldn't let my sister go because he "just wanted to spend time with *his* kids" without her! And to find out it was just because he wanted his kids to meet "the other woman" and spend time with her kid! And even worse, if that wasn't low enough... He tells his kids "don't tell mommy, she's really depressed and this would make her more sad". What an @$$#@!%! I'm refraining from saying all the horrible profanities I want to say.

This has just been told to me on Sunday. I don't know how to go on. I don't know how I'll ever be able to respect him again! My sister wants the marriage to work. She wants restoration. Don't ask me why! Well ok I know why... But he has no remorse for his actions! He is still defensive! He is not humbled at all! He needs to get to the point where he realizes that my sister was the best thing he ever had and that he will have to kiss her feet for the rest of her life because she was willing to put up with him after ALL THIS! But no, I think he still doesn't love her the way she deserves. I want her to kick him out. I want him to feel low! I want him to get to the pit of nothingness and realize what an ass he was to do that to my sister! I want him to come crawling back. If he's not on his hands and knees then she shouldn't accept him into her home.

I'm sad.

Getting back to the grind

So I'm back to the grind. I went to the gym tonight. It felt great. I can tell I'm more out of shape then ever and REALLY need to start getting back to doing it for myself. Today at work I had a rough day. Earlier I mentioned my anger problem. Well when you ask God to work on something, He brings things in your path to help you work through it, He doesn't just bring you out of it (well most of the time anyways hehe). So I've found I've been more aware of my anger. I have never gotten to the point of hitting anything since I hit the garage door a week or so ago. But I've wanted to, and I've held back, which is a step up but still. I'm off the subject. Today I was angry, I could feel it whelling up inside of me and so I decided to go for a walk. When I got back my entire attitude changed. I was more relaxed and happy! Then I remembered how going to the gym was a great release when I was getting over another ex. Since I'm struggling with letting a new one go, maybe this is a step in the right direction eh?! I think so. So I did cardio only. I feel great!

Lets see... God has been doing a lot of talking to me as of late. Or at least I'm finally opening up my ears to listen. It feels good to be taking some good steps in the right direction. I'm always afraid to be too happy because something always pulls me away. But this time it's different. I'm doing it for myself. Not to be a better person for anyone other then myself and God. To like the person I look at in the mirror. Yeah I have never liked the body in the reflection but I have been happy with the person looking back, but lately that hasn't been the case. Lately I'm repulsed by my appearance. But I can feel a change. Another chapter in my life is about to begin.

Well I need to stretch....

Who I am Hates Who I've Been

---------------------------------------------------
I watched the proverbial sunrise
coming up over the Pacific and
you might think I'm losing my mind,
but I will shy away from the specifics...

'cause I don't want you to know where I am
'cause then you'll see my heart
in the saddest state it's ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.

[Pre-Chorus]
Stop right there. That's exactly where I lost it.
See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.
Stop right there. Well I never should have said
that it's the very moment that
I wish that I could take back.

[Chorus]
I'm sorry for the person I became.
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to try and never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.

I talk to absolutely no one.
Couldn't keep to myself enough.
And the things bottled inside have finally begun
to create so much pressure that I’ll soon blow up.

I heard the reverberating footsteps
sinking up to the beating of my heart,
and I was positive that unless I got myself together,
I would watch me fall apart.

And I can’t let that happen again
‘cause then you’ll see my heart
in the saddest state it’s ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.

[Pre-Chorus x2]
[Chorus]

Who I am hates who I've been
and who I am won’t take the second chance you gave me.
Who I am hates who I’ve been
‘cause who I’ve been only ever made me...

So sorry for the person I became.
So sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I’m ready to try and never become that way again
‘cause who I am hates who I’ve been.
Who I am hates who I’ve been.

---------------------------------------------------

I heard this song on the way home today. It really hit me hard. I did exactly what I hoped last night. I had sex and woke up in the arms of the man I'm in love with. Yet I hate who I've become. I hate the person I became. Yet deep down I don't seem to

take the second chance you gave me.

It's all because

See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.

I crossed a line I don't feel I can ever go back to. I had sex. That's the line. That moment I crossed the line. That was the point of no return. I can never give that to my future husband. I look down on myself. I am ashamed. I wish I was there. I wish I was ready to say

I'm sorry for the person I became.
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to try and never become that way again

I want to be there. I don't feel ready to try and never become that way again because I'm still 'that way'. Though deep down I want to with all my heart. I guess the words say... I'm ready to try... Not I'm ready to never be that way again. The point is the heart needs to be ready to try. My heart is ready to try Lord. Forgive me for holding onto my sexual sin. Help me never become that way again.

This is where I hope to be tomorrow morning...

Crying Headache

So I have a headache. A pressure filled pain in my skull that just won't go away. Last night I lost my temper. I was having an argument with my ex and it was ended abruptly. The way that I can't stand an argument to end, unfinished, still heated, interupted, left staring at my phone wanting to throw it across the room because he felt his 'company' was more important than taking a moment to go into the other room and make sure it ended with both of us being ok. Well I of course lost it. I was angry. I bawled my eyes out. I screamed. I hit the garage door with my fist (which incidentally I bruised one of my nuckles).

I'm really struggling with my anger the last couple weeks. My dad and I had a blowout and I actually lost my anger for the first time to the point of hitting something. It was the first and worst time. I hit my arms on my chair and caused bruises on my wrists. I felt so foolish.

So last night I hit the garage door and realized I was at that point again. I stopped, I cried, I bawled, I screamed, I cussed, I finally sat slumped onto the end of the bed and called my mom. I explained the situation. She was as sweet as could be. Understanding, supportive, encouraging, uplifting, sympathetic, everything I needed to calm down and not feel so out of control. I was hurt. I was really hurt by my ex. My mom helped me realize that yes, I was right, and yes he was right, and yes men are stupid, and yes it's always best to end an arguement on the positive side, and no he's not the man for me, and that I will find love again. She is an amazing woman.

So today I had my coffee, I had 4 ibuprofins, and yet still my head feels like someone is pushing in my temples. I hope it goes away. I am so not in the mood to be at work. I have found every excuse to get involved in conversations and well update my blogs, etc. Thank God it's friday, and better yet... thank God its PAYDAY friday!

Oh and of course my ex and I did end up finishing our argument later last night and of course I was no where NEAR out of control like I was and of course we're totally ok today and of course life goes on as usual. I blame it (my behavior) on my period emotions and well a rising anger problem that is starting to cause me concern. I may need to seek some help for it.

Well I should attempt to get some work done today...

Dreams

So I woke up this morning feeling like I had been worked the night before... I had a sex dream last night. I remember having sex with an old friend from my goth days. In the dream I remember thinking to myself, why am I having sex with him!? He's a slut! Why am I here? Wait he's not wearing a condom! I have no idea where that thing has been! I freaked. Then told him to put on a condom at least. He asked why I didn't even go into an explanation. I remember helping him put on a flourecent pink condom. I remember feeling like I was cheating on my ex. I remember not enjoying it at all. It was so vivid. And still, it makes me sick just thinking about it.