Interesting Conversations

Yesterday I saw Obsession. We talked for 2 hours and could have kept going but I was already leaving late as it was. The song was brought up. I talked about how great things were with Husband Creature and how we both felt like this was the best year of our marriage. And then I said and then I do stupid things. He said oh like call me a "distraction"? With how horrible his memory was I was shocked he recalled that conversation. And I said that, and admitting what I did that time, and ... the song, that stupid song I never should have shared. He said he laughed. I turned bright red and told him I was embarrassed and he said "Good". lol He said he was going to text me something in the lyrics but decided against it. When I asked him what he said he couldn't remember. But something about the you may not be the one but you look like ... fun. He said that he got a little shy afterwards.  Then after a moment of awkwardness I said, ok... moving on. lol We had a discussion about our beliefs and God and Christianity vs Jehovah Witness. Pretty intense one. I had to find scriptures for him. So I sent them to him in an email this morning. But I asked him a question at the end and got (what I felt was) positive feedback.

Me: ... Also I have to ask… I know I feel like we’re friends but do *you* feel like we’re friends? Lol Or am I just that crazy coworker that gives you an ego boost? ;) 

Obsession: You’re funny, of course I feel like we’re friends. Why would you say that…?And no it’s not “an ego boost”. You’re fun to talk with, I enjoy the discussions. It’s refreshing…it gets slow in the office and hard to focus some times.  

Me: Lol Well good I’m glad. The reason I asked is because I’m an over-sharer… as we’ve established. Lol I lay my sharing cards out on the table and explain each one. You keep your sharing cards closer to your chest. So it’s not as obvious. Sometimes I’m left wondering… lol 

Obsession: You’re a good observer too. Yes, I’m less of a “sharer” I guess. Sorry you’re left wondering, I don’t do it on purpose. That’s probably my downfall, or at least one of them. 

There was more to each message but those are the important points. And points that I just realized have been established for the first time. I mean I always assumed. He always welcomed me with open arms. Draws me in and asks for me to sit and talk with him. I felt like we were friends but I can't text him, call him and rarely get to email him. So that's the odd part, that makes me feel like we're not quite friends.

Anyways, I'm super sick. I'm going home for the day.

I did something stupid... Again

I'm a fool - So it happened... The thoughts came out of my mouth... I knew it was wrong.

... ...

The above was written the day I shared with Obsession that not only was I attracted to him but that a song I recently started listening to reminded me of him. "Fun" by Selena Gomez. I did share it was inappropriate. He asked if he was blushing at one point, touching his face. Meaning it was feeling hot in the face. I didn't see the blushing. I did tell him in such a way as to downplay the attraction. (I recall telling him early in our friendship that he was someone all the girls thought was attractive. That didn't cause him to blush like me telling him I thought it was pretty obvious that I'm attracted to him.)

How it went down was I wanted to share the song, I hesitated and he called me out on my reservations. He said "I see you being calculated in your responses to me". I said it was because what I was thinking was inappropriate. He laughed and said "now we're talking! Do tell Clandestine". That's when my will power unraveled. I had told him I always seemed to overshare with him. He said he'd take that as a compliment. I told him my counselor had a theory about it, and that part was the compliment. I shared that my counselor felt that people share more with people they find attractive, that they somehow feel that person is more trustworthy. He seemed to ponder that but then said he would take the compliment. I think he mentioned blushing at that point. I told him about the song. He confirmed it, multiple times. But never wrote it down. We moved on about other things until he got a call and had to go so I left.

But I was still embarrassed and wondered what the heck I had done. Especially after I left. I was about to email him an apology but my sister (who knew how I felt about him and was the one that introduced me to that song) said it wouldn't be wise. It would make it seem more intense then I intended it to be.

I keep remembering how I swore to my Husband Creature that Obsession had no idea that I was attracted to him last year when he confronted me about the "Distraction". I'm disappointed in myself for going there. Even my counselor told me not to share that information with Obsession because it was dangerous for my marriage.

So yesterday I saw him for the first time since I opened my big fat mouth and I wasn't sure what was in store. I wasn't sure if he'd avoid me. If he'd bring anything up. Or act like I was a distant figure.  Which he has done in the past (mostly after his wife got ticked as us, me for texting, him for making me cookies). Thankfully he was friendly. We didn't get to talk privately but I was actually relieved not to. Though, looking back, he seemed *really* friendly. Made sure to give me a hug, both when I got there and when I left. When he thought I was leaving yelling bye and thank you (I had brought cookies, his favorite). We talked with another girl in the office for quite some time. He had a couple opportunities to walk away from the conversation, he would always stay or come back after being called away. We would be listening to someone talk and he'd respond to what they were saying while looking at me. When I shared an embarrassing blond moment he kept bringing it back into the conversation and teasing me about it.

All-in-all it was the best case scenario. My only prayer is he forgot about the song and all he was left with was the compliment that I was attracted to him. No one would be frustrated by that. Or think too much about it. Based on our conversations I've been clear, things are really great with Husband Creature. So it's not like I went too far aside from the song. I can only hope he forgot, and I'll never have to deal with that embarrassment. I figured if he heard the song he'd have maybe mentioned it. Somehow in code or something. But either way, he didn't seem annoyed or to be avoiding me, quite the opposite. That's the important thing.

Husband Creature and I really have been doing great. Communication. Sex life. Just enjoying each other, spending time together. It's been really nice. So I think that's why I was more frustrated with myself for mentioning anything to Obsession. Maybe it's because I felt safer sharing it. It's not like I think it's going to turn into anything. And I'm just grateful the dangerous part doesn't seem to be an issue like I thought. But I also don't want to go there again. I plan on keeping it real but not TOO real. lol