This is a topic of fear...
Today at church the pastor spoke on fear and how God tells us to not let ourselves get caught up in fear!
John 14:27 - Peace I leave with you; My peace I now give you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not *LET* your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.... It specifically says do not "let" my heart be afraid. So if I am scared, worried, concerned or afraid... I'm LETTING myself.
The Bible does say I will walk through the river and it will not overtake me. Well that means that I must still walk through the river... Rivers at floodstage can feel overwhelming, like you are going to be swept away. God promises that it will not overtake me *if* I lean on faith not fear.
Isaiah 35:3-10
We give ourselves excuses for being frightened. At most of us have frightful things in our lives, but God tells us NOT to be frightened. When the disciples were in the boat and it was being covered in waves (they had something to be afraid of), yet Jesus said to them , "Why are you afraid, you men of little faith?". If I am filled with fear I cannot have the faith that Jesus Christ will bring me out of it. Where there is fear there is no faith. The two cannot be in your heart at the same time!
Joshua 1:6-9 This is also a commandment! Be strong and couragious! Jesus says specifically that I am to read the word of God, "This book of the law shall not depart from your mouth." My mouth, meaning I need to speak the word of God so that I can be strong! And this scripture even tells us that it is a commandment to not fear! "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous!" Can you be strong and courageous and still have fear!? There is a song that I learned in camp when I was in elementary school. During this message it came to the forefront of my mind.
"Be BOLD! Be STRONG! For the Lord our God is with us. Be BOLD! Be STRONG! For the Lord our God is with us. Do not be afraid, do not be dismayed. I'm gonna walk in faith and victory, I'm gonna walk in faith and victory! For the Lord our God is with us!"
This is my belief... I am not allowed to wallow in my sorrows, I cannot let fear grip me. What am I so afraid of? Death is the worst thing that can happen and even then I am going to be with the Lord Jesus Christ!! What trivial things in life are holding me back? So what if my ex doesn't like me? So what if I am without a boyfriend/husband? What if I feel foolish? Am I afraid people won't like me? God has commanded me to be strong and courageous!
It's easier said then done. But I am willing to try!
Sunday, January 23, 2005
Wednesday, January 19, 2005
I finally have DSL!!!!
So the dsl finally got hooked up this evening! YAY! I can't believe how annoying it was that I couldn't just jump online and post when I wanted to.
There has been so many things going on in my life right now that I'm just not sure how to express it all. I am getting settled into the new place. I still have stacks of boxes that I haven't even opened! It's going to take a while to get everything arranged, especially with my schedule (and my addiction to taking time to write in my blogs).
So this evening I got confirmation that my input is valuable to my current ministry that I have been thinking about stepping down from... Youth Ministry. I am still not sure what I am actually going to do. One of the teens came up to me and thanked me for what I encouraged him to do. I had basically encouraged him to make God the center of his relationship to this girl, to discuss God together. He said he never felt closer to God, or his girlfriend. That they had spent two hours the night before just talking about God and discussing some of the questions we gave them. Just seeing the smile on his face helped brighten my night! It was a nice change. And it was very encouraging and brought a big smile to my face. I couldn't help but be happy and giddy! I even realized that it had been the first time I had felt truly happy this week... Doing my ministry... It's very rewarding when you can see that you are being a help. We've drastically changed the way we have gone about youthgroup and lost most of the teens. But now it's a core group that *want* to learn about God! That is the important thing... So now I'm not sure what I want to do. I don't know if that was encouragement from God to stick it out. I know there are times you want to walk away from your ministry, so I have to now rethink and make sure it is what God wants me to do. But as I left I was smiling ear-to-ear!!!
As I drove home I was explaining this to someone from work who in a heartbeat changed my whole mood by telling me somthing about work... I wonder sometimes if working at the place I do is worth all the drama. I wonder sometimes if God has me there for a reason, or if I'm just putting myself through unnecessary turmoil. My boss doesn't seem to see the concept of appreciating hard work (whether it was part of the job or not) and rewarding for doing a job well done. His concept is the reward is getting paid what more do people need!? This unfortunately makes my part-time position as morale officer VERY difficult. I do not have a defined position in that area, it just happened that I came to the CEO and told him that I thought some recognition programs needed to be put in place. Then it was now my job to come up with the programs. In one of my many meetings with the CEO I heard him say "why reward an employee that worked overtime when he got paid more for his time". I was discouraged after that meeting. Then I here we are having a pizza party to celebrate ONE persons hard work in finishing a website! This person is his pet. The one that works the closest with him. So why am I upset? This employee did a good job and goes along with my concept of rewarding hard working employees. He should be rewarded. But the pizza party is going to be a celebration of HIS hard work. Not the hard work that every other employee did this week in staying overtime to get the job done right! His view is skewed and I can only do so much to try and help him see it. I mean he is the CEO and it isn't my position to talk to him like that. I mean I have been fairly honest and very respectful but I try to fight for the others hard work that he doesn't see on a day-to-day basis. It's sometimes disheartening to see one person get a pizza party done in his honor when I know a whole department that kicks their butt for the company and puts in so much work and gets the majority of the work placed on their shoulders and they don't get ANY recognition. They are looked at as slackers somehow! Just because there is more of them doesn't mean that they have more of the work spread between them. It just means that they get handed the biggest portion of the work. Either way its this one department that I fight for the most. And no, I don't work in that department. I used to and I think that's why I know all the frustrations and work that is involved and they do even more then I did when I worked in that department! Anyways, I guess for those of you that are Christians who read this... please pray for realization in the eyes of upper management to the work that gets done in that department.
Wow I guess I went through withdrawls... But I have a lot on my heart and this is a definite release! I have more but I think this is long enough as it is...
There has been so many things going on in my life right now that I'm just not sure how to express it all. I am getting settled into the new place. I still have stacks of boxes that I haven't even opened! It's going to take a while to get everything arranged, especially with my schedule (and my addiction to taking time to write in my blogs).
So this evening I got confirmation that my input is valuable to my current ministry that I have been thinking about stepping down from... Youth Ministry. I am still not sure what I am actually going to do. One of the teens came up to me and thanked me for what I encouraged him to do. I had basically encouraged him to make God the center of his relationship to this girl, to discuss God together. He said he never felt closer to God, or his girlfriend. That they had spent two hours the night before just talking about God and discussing some of the questions we gave them. Just seeing the smile on his face helped brighten my night! It was a nice change. And it was very encouraging and brought a big smile to my face. I couldn't help but be happy and giddy! I even realized that it had been the first time I had felt truly happy this week... Doing my ministry... It's very rewarding when you can see that you are being a help. We've drastically changed the way we have gone about youthgroup and lost most of the teens. But now it's a core group that *want* to learn about God! That is the important thing... So now I'm not sure what I want to do. I don't know if that was encouragement from God to stick it out. I know there are times you want to walk away from your ministry, so I have to now rethink and make sure it is what God wants me to do. But as I left I was smiling ear-to-ear!!!
As I drove home I was explaining this to someone from work who in a heartbeat changed my whole mood by telling me somthing about work... I wonder sometimes if working at the place I do is worth all the drama. I wonder sometimes if God has me there for a reason, or if I'm just putting myself through unnecessary turmoil. My boss doesn't seem to see the concept of appreciating hard work (whether it was part of the job or not) and rewarding for doing a job well done. His concept is the reward is getting paid what more do people need!? This unfortunately makes my part-time position as morale officer VERY difficult. I do not have a defined position in that area, it just happened that I came to the CEO and told him that I thought some recognition programs needed to be put in place. Then it was now my job to come up with the programs. In one of my many meetings with the CEO I heard him say "why reward an employee that worked overtime when he got paid more for his time". I was discouraged after that meeting. Then I here we are having a pizza party to celebrate ONE persons hard work in finishing a website! This person is his pet. The one that works the closest with him. So why am I upset? This employee did a good job and goes along with my concept of rewarding hard working employees. He should be rewarded. But the pizza party is going to be a celebration of HIS hard work. Not the hard work that every other employee did this week in staying overtime to get the job done right! His view is skewed and I can only do so much to try and help him see it. I mean he is the CEO and it isn't my position to talk to him like that. I mean I have been fairly honest and very respectful but I try to fight for the others hard work that he doesn't see on a day-to-day basis. It's sometimes disheartening to see one person get a pizza party done in his honor when I know a whole department that kicks their butt for the company and puts in so much work and gets the majority of the work placed on their shoulders and they don't get ANY recognition. They are looked at as slackers somehow! Just because there is more of them doesn't mean that they have more of the work spread between them. It just means that they get handed the biggest portion of the work. Either way its this one department that I fight for the most. And no, I don't work in that department. I used to and I think that's why I know all the frustrations and work that is involved and they do even more then I did when I worked in that department! Anyways, I guess for those of you that are Christians who read this... please pray for realization in the eyes of upper management to the work that gets done in that department.
Wow I guess I went through withdrawls... But I have a lot on my heart and this is a definite release! I have more but I think this is long enough as it is...
Friday, January 14, 2005
Feelings
Why is it that I am still so worried about my ex being ok with me? I am so frustrated that I even care whether or not he talks to me, or looks at me, or how he responds to me. I am so pissed at myself at this very moment! Why couldn't I be a stronger person? Why can't I be independent and confident that my decision was right? And not care how he treats me!? I mean he's not even treating me badly! Yet I want more. How selfish! How annoying!
It sucks having to see him daily and I just want to be able to have confidence in who I am. I want to have fun and not care so much about how he treats me, or even if he's ok with me. I hate going back and forth with my feelings for him. I need to seperate myself from him but I can't. I am stuck seeing him on a daily basis.
I want to run... I want to run far away. I don't want to hurt like this. I don't want to feel that he's getting over me when I'm so far from being over him.
It sucks having to see him daily and I just want to be able to have confidence in who I am. I want to have fun and not care so much about how he treats me, or even if he's ok with me. I hate going back and forth with my feelings for him. I need to seperate myself from him but I can't. I am stuck seeing him on a daily basis.
I want to run... I want to run far away. I don't want to hurt like this. I don't want to feel that he's getting over me when I'm so far from being over him.
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
Victim or Overcomer?
I have had some interesting conversations today about being driven to succeed. I spent some time talking to someone in my department about how much she's overcome. She has a drive that I admire. I have recently noticed that I admire drive in most anyone. There is someone in another department that I went to lunch with yesterday, he has some serious drive and has a very charismatic personality, and he doesn't allow the pressures of his personal life to interfere with work.
I, on the other hand, have been through hell and back last week and if you were around me and didn't notice you were blind. I wear my emotions on my sleeve. I had to put my dog to sleep last week. That was one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make in my adult life! I guess because I've had her since before I was a teenager! She had a long life but I still had a very hard time making the decision to end her life. It was odd, people have their pets put to sleep for multiple reasons all the time, yet I felt cruel for having to make the decision. I broke down multiple times at work the day it was being done.
As well we have had to move. (One reason for my lack of posting; the new place doesn't have dsl yet.) The worst part was that we packed up all last week not knowing where we were moving to. Knowing that Saturday we had a moving crew coming to help, we just knew that either the trucks would be going to a storage unit or a house. Less then 24 hours before the people came to the house we found a place and had the papers signed and I am enjoying setting up my new room but find that I'm bored without the internet!
Either way back to the reason for my post, in all that has happened last week I felt overwhelmed. Most people around me knew I was stressed. I don't feel I became a victim but I do believe I allow my emotions to be seen more then they should. I am not an over-achiever for sure. I cannot do what the people I admire do, they don't know something; they just learn it. They don't want to let their emotions get in the way of their work; they separate their life from work. They don't want to get involved in office politics; they just stay in their own world. I envy that.
But then I spoke to another person that used to work where I work and he started having me think about my motives for admiring people like that. It's good to admire he said, but not when it causes you to be too uncomfortable in your own skin. So here I am trying to figure out if I'm overanalyzing this, that in itself should be my answer. ;) But I find this whole thing fascinating! I enjoy hearing what people have accomplished and overcome in their lives. It makes me want to be a better person. To work on those things that are negative influences in my life. The things that hold me back from being a driven person. I want to be someone that overcomes the problems that I face in my life.
I, on the other hand, have been through hell and back last week and if you were around me and didn't notice you were blind. I wear my emotions on my sleeve. I had to put my dog to sleep last week. That was one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make in my adult life! I guess because I've had her since before I was a teenager! She had a long life but I still had a very hard time making the decision to end her life. It was odd, people have their pets put to sleep for multiple reasons all the time, yet I felt cruel for having to make the decision. I broke down multiple times at work the day it was being done.
As well we have had to move. (One reason for my lack of posting; the new place doesn't have dsl yet.) The worst part was that we packed up all last week not knowing where we were moving to. Knowing that Saturday we had a moving crew coming to help, we just knew that either the trucks would be going to a storage unit or a house. Less then 24 hours before the people came to the house we found a place and had the papers signed and I am enjoying setting up my new room but find that I'm bored without the internet!
Either way back to the reason for my post, in all that has happened last week I felt overwhelmed. Most people around me knew I was stressed. I don't feel I became a victim but I do believe I allow my emotions to be seen more then they should. I am not an over-achiever for sure. I cannot do what the people I admire do, they don't know something; they just learn it. They don't want to let their emotions get in the way of their work; they separate their life from work. They don't want to get involved in office politics; they just stay in their own world. I envy that.
But then I spoke to another person that used to work where I work and he started having me think about my motives for admiring people like that. It's good to admire he said, but not when it causes you to be too uncomfortable in your own skin. So here I am trying to figure out if I'm overanalyzing this, that in itself should be my answer. ;) But I find this whole thing fascinating! I enjoy hearing what people have accomplished and overcome in their lives. It makes me want to be a better person. To work on those things that are negative influences in my life. The things that hold me back from being a driven person. I want to be someone that overcomes the problems that I face in my life.
Sunday, January 02, 2005
New Year's Resolutions / Personal Mission Statement
Someone at church gave us an outline that we could use to approach this years New Year Resolutions. Below is my New Year's Resolution / Personal Mission Statement.
New Years Resolutions:
Get back to my roots. Fall in love with Jesus all over again and work towards having a deeply intimate relationship with him.
God - set aside time to seek him DAILY! Work on a stronger relationship.
School - Go back to school in the fall.
Weight - Start going to the gym in the evenings I used to spend with my ex.
Job - Keep a positive attitude and seek what God's will is for me there as well as in helping my relative.
Church - Look for new ways for God to use me, to be a servant, seek God's wisdom in my current ministry and if I am to stay deeply involved or step back. Get knit in again, to love the people so much that the church is the only place I want to be, to be built up and strengthened, to be with family.
Missions - Help the 2005 mission group accomplish it's goals, and prepare/pray for my own 2006 mission trip.
Future Husband - Pray for him, for God to keep working on him and making him a stronger man of God and to bring us together in His timing.
Offerings - Give more then just my tithe for the churches purposes and needs.
Debt - keep working towards getting my debt down.
Last year (where I've come in the last year, ie. experiences) - I was very involved in my own feelings. I had pulled away from God and the church and my ministry the year before to be involved with someone that wasn't seeking after God. 2004 I felt the affects of my decision in all aspects of my life. I struggled with my weight and lost confidence in who God made me because I wasn't being the person God made me to be. I overindulged in all my sins, eating, sexuality, immorality, carnality, etc. I lost sight of who I was and where I was going which caused a huge strain in everything God-oriented. This has caused me to finally re-evaluate where I was going in my life. I realized very recently that I wasn't ruling my life, I was allowing my life to rule me. I'm excited at the glimpses of what God has shown me about what He's going to do in my life this year. I see a release, "freedom" as my pastor says (which is the word God gave him for our church this year)! Freedom from my eating, and my ex...
Talents, gifts, personality, age, etc.
I am 27. Outgoing, bubbly, vibrant, supportive. I feel a calling to intercessory prayer, organizing events (activities director), being a person someone can go to when they are having a problem.
Answer:
How will all this glorify and cause the following of Jesus and show an example in the kingdom of God?
Ultimately this will bring me closer to the person that God intends me to be. I will be able to reach out to others who have been through my downfalls. This will be a new part of my testimony.
Note:
Make an appointment with myself to regularly seek the Holy Spirit's guidance to help stay on track according to my Mission Statement.
D - Dedicated to the cause of Christ
R - Take Responsibility for what I am supposed to do
I - Integrity to myself, others and the cause
V - Have a Vision
E - Be Enthusiastic for what He has called me to.
New Years Resolutions:
Get back to my roots. Fall in love with Jesus all over again and work towards having a deeply intimate relationship with him.
God - set aside time to seek him DAILY! Work on a stronger relationship.
School - Go back to school in the fall.
Weight - Start going to the gym in the evenings I used to spend with my ex.
Job - Keep a positive attitude and seek what God's will is for me there as well as in helping my relative.
Church - Look for new ways for God to use me, to be a servant, seek God's wisdom in my current ministry and if I am to stay deeply involved or step back. Get knit in again, to love the people so much that the church is the only place I want to be, to be built up and strengthened, to be with family.
Missions - Help the 2005 mission group accomplish it's goals, and prepare/pray for my own 2006 mission trip.
Future Husband - Pray for him, for God to keep working on him and making him a stronger man of God and to bring us together in His timing.
Offerings - Give more then just my tithe for the churches purposes and needs.
Debt - keep working towards getting my debt down.
Last year (where I've come in the last year, ie. experiences) - I was very involved in my own feelings. I had pulled away from God and the church and my ministry the year before to be involved with someone that wasn't seeking after God. 2004 I felt the affects of my decision in all aspects of my life. I struggled with my weight and lost confidence in who God made me because I wasn't being the person God made me to be. I overindulged in all my sins, eating, sexuality, immorality, carnality, etc. I lost sight of who I was and where I was going which caused a huge strain in everything God-oriented. This has caused me to finally re-evaluate where I was going in my life. I realized very recently that I wasn't ruling my life, I was allowing my life to rule me. I'm excited at the glimpses of what God has shown me about what He's going to do in my life this year. I see a release, "freedom" as my pastor says (which is the word God gave him for our church this year)! Freedom from my eating, and my ex...
Talents, gifts, personality, age, etc.
I am 27. Outgoing, bubbly, vibrant, supportive. I feel a calling to intercessory prayer, organizing events (activities director), being a person someone can go to when they are having a problem.
Answer:
How will all this glorify and cause the following of Jesus and show an example in the kingdom of God?
Ultimately this will bring me closer to the person that God intends me to be. I will be able to reach out to others who have been through my downfalls. This will be a new part of my testimony.
Note:
Make an appointment with myself to regularly seek the Holy Spirit's guidance to help stay on track according to my Mission Statement.
D - Dedicated to the cause of Christ
R - Take Responsibility for what I am supposed to do
I - Integrity to myself, others and the cause
V - Have a Vision
E - Be Enthusiastic for what He has called me to.
Saturday, January 01, 2005
Mortality
I'm trying to get the vision of a yellow CHP jacket covering a body in between the back tires of a truck out of my mind. It's an extremely unsettling thing to realize our mortality! I see accidents all the time, mostly fender benders... Only a handful have turned out to be fatality accidents. I was stuck in traffic and knew it had to have been a pretty bad accident due to the amount of lights ahead of me and the fact that all lanes but the far right were closed. But I was not prepared to see a body. As I drove past wondering why a yellow jacket was on the ground in between the two back tires of a red truck, I looked to my right and saw a motorcycle... Right then I knew... Tears started streaming down my face and I found myself sobbing before I even had the lights of all the patrol cars out of site in my rearview mirror. I'm still surprised at how much it impacted me. I thought of his family, prayed a little prayer for them and prayed for his soul even though I was disturbed to think that it might be too late for him to make a decision of where he was going.
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