Good Lord....

It's been a long day! I'm not sure if I have enough energy to even write a post. I helped move my parents stuff to the garage of their new place and the left overs into my garage. I'm physically and mentally drained.

Junior was there today. He pinched my butt! Then said he liked me. What am I gonna do with that boy? The other night after he left my house from bible study and he text me asking if I needed him to stay and keep me company while my brother was out of town ending with a wink. I, of course, took him up on the cue to flirt and told him he was always welcome any time. Sure enough he told me he almost turned around and came back over. I laugh but sometimes I am afraid of what would happen if we were ever left in a room by ourselves!

A lot is going on in my life these days. I'm not really sure how I'm keeping my head on straight.

My big test is this Wednesday. I feel numb about it right now. I have so much riding on passing this test. My Operations Manager took me out to lunch Thursday and told me a promotion is inevitable when I pass. I will go to salary and move into a whole new position. It's awesome but I realize that passing is the only way this is going to happen for me. She said getting certified was the only way she could justify the raise she wants to give me. So we'll see what happens Wednesday. I won't know for a few weeks afterwards but I should know how I feel I did on the test and may even get an initial pass/fail once the test is complete.

My Supervisor got out of jail. His family came up with the bail. And then my Operations Manager fired him. I have to say I'm really rather glad she did. So no more drama in that department. I'm not sure if she plans on filling his position. We're hiring another girl to help out with the phones since I won't be on the queue anymore.

One thing I've established with my Operations Manager is that she thinks I'm a good worker but has a bit of an issue with me being "Flirty" (a word the IT Manager said she used). Not sure that I can change that. There's more to that story but again just not motivated to go into it.

The CEO asked me to be the photographer at his wedding next weekend. Yes, it's a thrown together little shindig but it does mean extra cash which I cannot say no to. The location is beautiful and should help with my portfolio.

I have a feeling I will feel a lot less stressed once this test is past me.

My parents are staying with me for a couple weeks. They have to be out of their current place by the 31st and the new place won't be ready to move in till the 5th. I saw the new place for the first time today and honestly I wouldn't be surprised if they take a lot longer to get out of there. I can't believe how LITTLE they have done to prepare for their upcoming move. My dad said they haven't moved for 14 years and its quite obvious they have no idea the amount of work ahead of them!

Anyways, I'm exhausted! I'm going to bed now.

Whistle while you work

(BIG SIGH) A moment to breath! Work has been crazy the last week and a half. My immediate supervisor is in jail, yes you read that correctly. Unfortunately I'm not sure why and he had a court date today but nothing has been updated. There are only 2 people at my office that are aware that I know and my Operations Manager is NOT one of them. I guess you could say the Operations Manager has placed me in temporary lead. I sometimes wonder if she's grooming me to take over my supervisors role. It sure seems like it. I have no clue if they plan on keeping my supervisor or not. It could honestly go either way. I find it odd that the whole thing is hush hush. I sometimes feel that the Operations Manager intends to keep him and doesn't want his name drug through the dirt. She normally has an unusually large mouth when it comes to personal issues so this is the only reason I can come up with behind her silence.

So I'm at home now. My best friends husband is helping my brother change the breaks on his truck and plans on doing my car next. I just ran through the flash cards I memorized last weekend and am glad to say there were only 3 just shy of 100 cards that I struggled with. And the ones I didn't get were the longer description ones where I can't get the verbiage down just right. Anyways, my test is in 2 weeks. I'm scared to death. I'm anxious. But I'm getting to that point of feeling like I've come this far, I know I can do this. Computer Geek says "Failure is not an option". :) Of course it isn't.

Anyways, shortly after my supervisor went on “leave” the Operations Manager pulled my department in a meeting the day before she left for two weeks of conferences and I was basically put in charge of the things she or my immediate supervisor used to do. I know its temporary but it was pretty cool to have that responsibility given to me. But it meant I had to do that on top of my other daily tasks. It took me a bit to get used to trying to organize my day to get everything done but in the end I'm happy with how it all worked out. I will be curious as to what the Operations Manager thinks of it all. I'm excited about my job and where this test can take me. Once I pass The Operations Manager said she had some changes to my job that she thinks I'll enjoy.

I've been marveling on the stark contrast of how I used to feel about my job and my Operations Manager and the enjoyment I get out of work these days. My Operations Manager can still a bit hard to handle but whatever issue she had with me seems to have faded into oblivion and she seems to think more highly of me and what I can offer the company. Anyone who tells me they hate their job because of a particular coworker I tell them to have faith... Things can change!

So it's ironic that since I've made the decision to back off of the men in my life, my female friends have become more involved in my every day stuff. I got a call from an old friend who moved up to Oregon. It was so awesome to talk to her. And she asked about the boys in my life and I really didn't have a lot to say. She was there when the Ex and I broke up and she hadn't heard he got married and that we still talk and that he even was stupid enough to send me his honeymoon pictures! Anyways, it was great catching up with her. And that same night I got a call from my Ex's cousin whom became my friend at college and I spilled my guts about this guy I was interested and sure enough found out because of a wedding announcement on my Ex's desk that I recognized that it was his cousin. Odd... Anyways, sadly she is separated from her husband. Amazing how quickly marriages crumble these days. And another girl that used to date Junior has been calling a lot more often these days. Just wanting to touch base and see how everyone is doing.

Geek Photographer is all but out of my life. We haven't chatted nearly as much. I keep my distance. The phone calls have stopped. I sometimes think it's best to keep him completely out of my life. I chatted with him yesterday for the first time in a few days and sure enough within moments we got into a little tiff. I couldn't believe it.

Burbank - Well he's no longer living in Burbank so I probably need to rename him to Montana... :) But I guess keeping his nickname would work too. Anyways, Burbank came up exactly a week ago to hang out one last time. We were good this time. No hanky panky. Hehe Though he debated on spending the night because it's such a long drive home. When I hugged him goodbye I will say I had some emotions because I really will miss him! Sure, when I'm out visiting my grandparents I'll make sure to see him. But it was hard enough for us to hang out when he lived in Burbank! Maybe that was the problem. We kind of took advantage the fact that we were close enough but just far enough away to make it a bit too inconvenient to hang out consistently. I will say we got together more in the last year since I knew he was thinking about moving.

He even made that effort to stop by and meet the parents! Which I still can't quite figure out. hehe My dad thought he was great. They had a lot in common with their love of flight simulator games. My mom liked him too. What's not to like really? He's a good guy. My dad said that he seemed like a hurting soul though. And that's a pretty good assessment since he's leaving California to try to get out of his funk.

So there's another new guy friend. I don't think I've ever mentioned him. I want to label him the Music Man. He's a friend of the Ex. He and I met on myspace. He went to a DM concert and got to meet the band and I pretty much told a perfect stranger that I hated him and that’s the beginning of our friendship! He invited me to a show in Pomona in June for a band I had never heard of before that time, OURS. (Side Note: If you read my post prior you know this is the band that I'm obsessing over now.) His friend ditched him last minute and he asked me to go for free and I figured why not? I'm always up for new music. I went, we met in person for the first time, he's way cool and laid back and the show was an absolute blast!

A few weeks later he mentioned that there was an acoustic show at the end of September with the lead singer of OURS (Jimmy Gnecco) and asked if I wanted him to get me a ticket. Which I said “of course” to.

Then maybe a week after our birthday (we share the exact birthday), he asked if I wanted to go to another concert for free at the Hollywood Bowl with Nick Cave, Spiritualized and Cat Powers. This show was just two weeks before the acoustic show we already planned on going to. Sure enough this show rocked! We had incredible seats! Seriously 2nd row center! I was feeling slightly guilty as I saw the many fans envious of our spot when I had never even heard of the bands playing. But it was great to experience the show from that spot. And I even have a couple new bands I like! Nick Cave is interesting, but I definitely liked Spiritualized. Turns out Computer Geek is a fan and made me a cd of the albums he has of theirs… And he added a few others that he thought I’d like, (how freakin sweet is that?!).

So then our show at the end of September happened. I was blown away by the intimacy of the show. It was in the tiny "On the Rox" in Hollywood and we were front row again. I think I fell in love with the Jimmy Gnecco right then. I have obsessed for the last few weeks. He's an amazing singer.

So this week I happened to notice another OURS show at The Roxy in Hollywood in the beginning of December and have asked Music Man to come with me. :) I feel like he's the only one that would appreciate it with me.

Music man is a really cool guy. I don't get the relationship vibe from him. He just seems like a genuine person that I enjoy hanging out with. He seems to like that I appreciate music. I may not play any instruments or understand how they do it, but I sure as hell enjoy the music. He says that most of his other friends don't understand his tastes and pretty much I've established I do. It'll be interesting to see how this friendship proceeds.

So Computer Geek is still my fav... The last couple of days at work I've been so insanely busy I haven't had a chance to keep pestering him all day so we haven't chatted much. He's such a sweetie. I somehow felt truly special he made me that cd. There are just so many things throughout the day that make me smile about him and just who he is. I still haven’t convinced him to open up more about some of the stuff he’s into but I’ll keep working on him. He shares little by little and honestly that’s cool with me. He probably knows I couldn’t handle it all at once! Well it’s late and I have an early morning.

Tired

I'm not sure how I feel right now. I know I'm feeling a little hesitant to blog anymore. I am not sure whats up with that. I usually love sharing my thoughts with the world. I have come to realize that I don't like blogging on my public blog because so many people read it and right now I have so much going on in my head that I don't feel like sharing when certain people can read it. Even this secret blog has 1 possible reader who knows me. I feel more safe having him know about the true me but still I wonder am I truly being myself knowing he may be reading? I've decided that I probably will no longer blog on my personal site. Maybe I should go back and some how explain what I think brought this about.

I'm currenly listening to a live album of a concert I went to last Monday. I'm seriously swooning over the lead singer. I had such an amazing night I think I keep relistening to it because its one of the main things bringing a genuine smile on my face. I know my last post was pretty intense. And honestly I would have to say that has a lot to do with the emotions I've been dealing with this week. I'm still friends with the person that was written about. But I've pulled back completely. I can't say he hasn't either but I think we've both realized it's just a dysfunctional relationship.

I have become insecure. I had taken a lot of strides in realizing that I'm a beautiful person even though I may be heavyset. But sadly I question and doubt everything now. If someone mentions one thing about my personality I cringe like it's a negative thing. I went through a lot of depression last week. Wednesday was a pretty bad night. I have yet to have a good cry though. I thought I needed one Wednesday but when I tried I was completely numb.

And as I mentioned earlier I have a seriously swooning issue with the lead singer to OURS. I've been thinking a lot about all the boys in my life and somehow I feel that maybe I should stick with liking this lead singer. Why? Because there is less chance of getting hurt. He's unattainable. I can dream, wish and hope all I want and have to live with the occasional live show. I realize I'm a bit boy crazy. And I sometimes wonder if that part of my personality will ever change. There has always been someone. If not a tangible person, then it's been someone I could never get. I am a flirt. Can this part of my personality be toned down? I know I can change if I really want to. I'm just not sure if I want to yet. I sometimes think it would be easier. I end up really liking certain guys and then find out I'm misreading their actions. Or being casual with them until my feelings turn more serious and then I tend to get hurt.

It's odd. I'm even thinking about revamping my entire website. Not that I want to have a whole new layout, but I want a lot less on the site. Or I want to turn it into a photography only site. I don't like my current web album and I haven't been able to figure out an easy way of cleaning it up other then throwing it all out and starting over. Why is this included in my reflections? Because it shows I feel a need for some serious change. I'm pulling my life off of display.

I'm tired of feeling used. My best friend keeps wondering how I get involved with these guys that take advantage of me. They seem to capitalize on the fact that I like them and get what they want and don't offer much in return. I tend to notice they can be jerks but there is also another part of the friendships/relationships that is fulfilling. I've always said my brother likes 12 year old toothpicks with a little bitch to them. Of course they aren't actually 12 years old, but they are young! So now I'm wondering if I'm similar in my tastes. I like young toothpicks with a bit of jerk to them. Most of my life I've always crushed on younger guys. There is no question I like em skinny! And if we stick with the trend. they all can be serious assholes! My brother likes his girls to be a bit independent and successful. I could say the same about the guys I like. I mean Computer Geek and I have even talked about it, I'm an IT groupie. I like guys with brains and a bit of geek to them. That's one thing my brother doesn't have. He likes girls with expensive tastes and high class. That's not the case with the men I like. Sure they are successful but they don't have to be in designer clothes.

Sometimes I think if I were more introverted it would be a good thing. It's a struggle. Computer Geek and I were talking about relationships and he told me that he doesn't get attached with the women he dates. I sadly am almost the complete opposite. I get wrapped up in that person. But we established that there are pros and cons for both. And right now I'm hurt. So I wish I would have been less attached, more reserved. (Sigh) Not sure where all this reflection is going to take me. It may just be a protective thing.

Anyways, I'm definitely zoning. I need to go to sleep.