Thoughts...

As I drove home with my brother back up the treacherous drive known as "the hill" I found myself pondering a lot of things. His and my favorite pastime together is listening to music while taking a long drive. This evening though he was particularly annoying with his constant change in musical desires. He has a new iPod which I think leaves him with too many options. hehe

During one of the rare stretches of solid music, I was thinking about his new long distance relationship. He is flying her out for the 4th of July. This of course is *TOP SECRET* in the family because he absolutely HATES questions. He is 33 years old and it's not like he's doing something wrong, it's just that he doesn't want to be hassled about how the relationship is going. In all this secrecy I am really thrilled that he's pursuing this woman so much. He must really like her to fly her out, and must be extremely scared that this could work out for him to put so much effort into keeping it a secret. He would detest our sympathy if it didn't work out.

So as I pondered how serious this relationship must be going I was happy for him. Thinking to myself how I'm thankful he will be able to marry before me. In my last relationship I was afraid to be proposed to because me being the only other single sibling, as well as being the baby of the family, might make him feel discouraged. But now that won't be the case, number 1 he's in a seemingly serious long distance relationship, number 2 I am no longer dating the man I thought would propose.

Then I was left with my thoughts about that man. Of how it will be when/if he moves to Wisconsin. Knowing that he is still my companion in every aspect without (well… with rare exceptions) physical intimacy. How hard will it be to let him go? I can talk to him on the phone all day long; there is a difference face to face. I started to cry thinking about how hard it will be when he's gone. Right now we take advantage of seeing each other every day, talking multiple times on the phone aside from that, and hanging out on the weekends. I knew then that our friendship would be changed and may even end when/if he moves. I put an '/if' but it is basically confirmed he will be moving, it's just a matter of when. The '/if' is there for the random act of God that could change the direction of the course of our lives, which I believe has already happened with the likelihood of my ex moving across the country.

My life will forever be changed.

I tried then to imagine someone new coming into my life and I couldn’t. I was overwhelmed with grief in knowing he would not be apart of my life forever. I realize I can't share these feelings with him. How selfish would that be? Here he is leaving his entire family, and his lifelong friends, and people that mean everything to him and I'm going to let him know how horrible I will feel about losing him? No, not when the stress of making the actual decision is his biggest battle. I must be selfless and strong. Holding myself up and making sure he knows that I feel this is the best thing for him. In all honesty it is. His life would be easier. He would probably feel more accomplished living in a place that will pay him what he's worth and the cost of living is half of what it is here. He could pay off his debt, own a home, meet someone and settle down.

I have felt in denial of what it would mean to our friendship when he first approached me with his job offer. I was the first person he consulted. I immediately felt good about the opportunity for him. It has been just recently that I've realized what it means to our friendship. It could be that we will always be friends. Regularly calling each other and staying close. But there is a harsh reality slapping me in the face. It is also very possible that we could lose touch. The thought devastates me but I cannot let it overwhelm me. If I do, I could actually cause it to happen. I know if I were to share this with him right now he would get frustrated saying to me that I had no IDEA what will happen when he moves and to not immediately jump to conclusions of how he will be when he’s across the country, after all it’s not like he’s dying or anything.

I will try to focus on the positive and have faith that our friendship can last through eternity; that him moving will not affect how close we are, in fact that it could draw us closer because he will need someone.

Well I am feeling exhausted. I have shared my heart though I know there are pieces missing to my thought processes, I must go to bed.

Goodnight