Well that was unexpected

Geek Photographer just stopped by. This is an oddity to me. He actually called last weekend to see if he could then but I got his call too late. So today of all days, I'm not feeling so hot, have been vegging all day, I took a shower but hadn't really got ready, he stops by. When he called he specifically kept me on the phone so I wouldn't go run off and get fixed up. I swear... Boys. So I let him in, my hair not even brushed through, no makeup and he hung out for about an hour and a half. I let him know I don't usually let people see me like that. He knows I'm fighting a cold and that I just started my period. Our time was only slightly awkward but for the most part I had a good time.

It's so funny how he and I seem to go through stages of friendship. We're really close one minute and then we fight or barely talk the next. I've kept my distance but lately I've noticed he's calling more and I'm less annoyed with him. Though the other day I kept taking things he said so personal. I knew it was probably pms. But that was the most affected I've been by him in a long time and that was barely anything. I will say it was nice to see him. It left me with a good feeling when he hugged me goodbye.

I guess it's time for sleep. I've been sleeping all day but I can barely keep my eyes open.

What a week

It's been an emotional week. Though I didn't realize it until I was driving home after work and all the emotions came flooding out of me. The tears came out without much warning. I drove crying uncontrollably. I just let it all come out.

At first I thought it had to do with Computer Geek. I was hurt by something that I found out today that he didn't tell me himself. It bothered me I had to ask. In the end I realized my problem was with how little I know him, and I've always valued his friendship. Not saying he doesn't value mine. He's a very private person. It's just the way I show the value of a friendship is how much I open up to a person. Yes I'm a pretty open individual but there are things I only share with him. I've long given up any hope of any romantic attachments with Computer Geek and myself, though I still find myself physically/sexually drawn to him.

Anyways, as I cried driving home it really hit me how much emotions I've stuffed deep inside about all of these other issues and the little issue with Computer Geek was just the tip of the iceberg, the straw that broke the camels back so to speak. (Sigh)

Everything about this week has challenged my ability NOT to care what other people think about me. Sadly I wasn't winning the battle as well as I thought.

Last Saturday my childhood crush located me on Facebook. Ironically I've mentioned him here once when describing how even back in the day I made up nicknames for the guys I like. His was HunkofBabe. Click Here to see that post. Either way he's happily married with two kids now, but something I wrote in one of my replies to him made me nervous that I made a fool of myself. He still hasn't responded, feeding into my fears that he now won't ever talk to me again. The first couple of days I couldn't let it go. When I finally did, it came with the pain that if I did say something silly and he decided never to write me again... OH FUCKING WELL!

The situation with HunkofBabe reminded me of my childhood in Alaska. My parents always told me that my class was the meanest group of kids they ever met. I don't really remember but as the email situation happened with HunkofBabe it brought me back to all the emotions and insecurities I felt as a child. Wanting their approval. I thought a lot about that. How things have changed quite a bit. How my current friends are nothing like what I would think they would consider "acceptable" and I'm thinking... Do I really want people like that back in my life?

I also finally had to have a talk with Junior. I just asked him if his girlfriend flirted with anyone as much as he flirts with me would he be ok with it? He said ignorance is bliss and then asked if this meant he would have to stop hitting on me now! Silly kid. Either way, again I was pushed with the decision of being ok whether or not he liked what I had to say. It was something that needed to be said. Luckily we're all good now but he seemed pretty bummed with me for the next couple of days.

Then I had to stop by The Ex's parents place last night to drop off some stuff. His mom finally had the courage to ask me if I was dating anyone. Though she waited till she walked me to my car, my ex's dad respects that fact that we split on friendly terms. It was such an odd subject to talk about with the woman that felt you were "The One" for her son. But I basically just told her I was tired of the dating scene and I was taking a step back from it. It's odd that I have such a continued relationship with my ex's family. I still hang out with most of them. But I will say I felt odd talking to her about it. The Ex is married now and has since moved to another state. The conversation left me feeling a bit sad. Not about wishing I was with him, I know he's MUCH better off, just sad and confused at why I haven't been able to find a decent guy.

I've spent a lot of this week trying to just come to grips with the fact that some people may just not like me. It's so hard for me as a people pleaser to come to grips with that. It's been a rough week and once I cried it all out I felt much better, relieved knowing that there were a lot of reasons behind it. I even sent Computer Geek a text letting him know I was sorry if I acted butthurt and ya know, he was really cool about it.

It's late and I should be in bed but I just needed to get all this off my chest.

Um... I'm a dork

I can't stop thinking about him. What the hell is wrong with me? He asked me to join him on his smoke break. Came over to my side of the office for some left over candy then held the door downstairs open so I could come through. I was surprised at the friendly gesture. He made a comment about my shoes being scuffed and how I needed to shine mine and his while I was at it. I explained it was because when I was shooting the wedding I was on my knees and he jokingly said if he had known it would be that kind of wedding he would have gone. lol God, does he know what he does to me?! No clue, I'm sure of it.

(Sigh)

Silliness I tell ya

I think I need to take a nap

Good Lord....

It's been a long day! I'm not sure if I have enough energy to even write a post. I helped move my parents stuff to the garage of their new place and the left overs into my garage. I'm physically and mentally drained.

Junior was there today. He pinched my butt! Then said he liked me. What am I gonna do with that boy? The other night after he left my house from bible study and he text me asking if I needed him to stay and keep me company while my brother was out of town ending with a wink. I, of course, took him up on the cue to flirt and told him he was always welcome any time. Sure enough he told me he almost turned around and came back over. I laugh but sometimes I am afraid of what would happen if we were ever left in a room by ourselves!

A lot is going on in my life these days. I'm not really sure how I'm keeping my head on straight.

My big test is this Wednesday. I feel numb about it right now. I have so much riding on passing this test. My Operations Manager took me out to lunch Thursday and told me a promotion is inevitable when I pass. I will go to salary and move into a whole new position. It's awesome but I realize that passing is the only way this is going to happen for me. She said getting certified was the only way she could justify the raise she wants to give me. So we'll see what happens Wednesday. I won't know for a few weeks afterwards but I should know how I feel I did on the test and may even get an initial pass/fail once the test is complete.

My Supervisor got out of jail. His family came up with the bail. And then my Operations Manager fired him. I have to say I'm really rather glad she did. So no more drama in that department. I'm not sure if she plans on filling his position. We're hiring another girl to help out with the phones since I won't be on the queue anymore.

One thing I've established with my Operations Manager is that she thinks I'm a good worker but has a bit of an issue with me being "Flirty" (a word the IT Manager said she used). Not sure that I can change that. There's more to that story but again just not motivated to go into it.

The CEO asked me to be the photographer at his wedding next weekend. Yes, it's a thrown together little shindig but it does mean extra cash which I cannot say no to. The location is beautiful and should help with my portfolio.

I have a feeling I will feel a lot less stressed once this test is past me.

My parents are staying with me for a couple weeks. They have to be out of their current place by the 31st and the new place won't be ready to move in till the 5th. I saw the new place for the first time today and honestly I wouldn't be surprised if they take a lot longer to get out of there. I can't believe how LITTLE they have done to prepare for their upcoming move. My dad said they haven't moved for 14 years and its quite obvious they have no idea the amount of work ahead of them!

Anyways, I'm exhausted! I'm going to bed now.

Whistle while you work

(BIG SIGH) A moment to breath! Work has been crazy the last week and a half. My immediate supervisor is in jail, yes you read that correctly. Unfortunately I'm not sure why and he had a court date today but nothing has been updated. There are only 2 people at my office that are aware that I know and my Operations Manager is NOT one of them. I guess you could say the Operations Manager has placed me in temporary lead. I sometimes wonder if she's grooming me to take over my supervisors role. It sure seems like it. I have no clue if they plan on keeping my supervisor or not. It could honestly go either way. I find it odd that the whole thing is hush hush. I sometimes feel that the Operations Manager intends to keep him and doesn't want his name drug through the dirt. She normally has an unusually large mouth when it comes to personal issues so this is the only reason I can come up with behind her silence.

So I'm at home now. My best friends husband is helping my brother change the breaks on his truck and plans on doing my car next. I just ran through the flash cards I memorized last weekend and am glad to say there were only 3 just shy of 100 cards that I struggled with. And the ones I didn't get were the longer description ones where I can't get the verbiage down just right. Anyways, my test is in 2 weeks. I'm scared to death. I'm anxious. But I'm getting to that point of feeling like I've come this far, I know I can do this. Computer Geek says "Failure is not an option". :) Of course it isn't.

Anyways, shortly after my supervisor went on “leave” the Operations Manager pulled my department in a meeting the day before she left for two weeks of conferences and I was basically put in charge of the things she or my immediate supervisor used to do. I know its temporary but it was pretty cool to have that responsibility given to me. But it meant I had to do that on top of my other daily tasks. It took me a bit to get used to trying to organize my day to get everything done but in the end I'm happy with how it all worked out. I will be curious as to what the Operations Manager thinks of it all. I'm excited about my job and where this test can take me. Once I pass The Operations Manager said she had some changes to my job that she thinks I'll enjoy.

I've been marveling on the stark contrast of how I used to feel about my job and my Operations Manager and the enjoyment I get out of work these days. My Operations Manager can still a bit hard to handle but whatever issue she had with me seems to have faded into oblivion and she seems to think more highly of me and what I can offer the company. Anyone who tells me they hate their job because of a particular coworker I tell them to have faith... Things can change!

So it's ironic that since I've made the decision to back off of the men in my life, my female friends have become more involved in my every day stuff. I got a call from an old friend who moved up to Oregon. It was so awesome to talk to her. And she asked about the boys in my life and I really didn't have a lot to say. She was there when the Ex and I broke up and she hadn't heard he got married and that we still talk and that he even was stupid enough to send me his honeymoon pictures! Anyways, it was great catching up with her. And that same night I got a call from my Ex's cousin whom became my friend at college and I spilled my guts about this guy I was interested and sure enough found out because of a wedding announcement on my Ex's desk that I recognized that it was his cousin. Odd... Anyways, sadly she is separated from her husband. Amazing how quickly marriages crumble these days. And another girl that used to date Junior has been calling a lot more often these days. Just wanting to touch base and see how everyone is doing.

Geek Photographer is all but out of my life. We haven't chatted nearly as much. I keep my distance. The phone calls have stopped. I sometimes think it's best to keep him completely out of my life. I chatted with him yesterday for the first time in a few days and sure enough within moments we got into a little tiff. I couldn't believe it.

Burbank - Well he's no longer living in Burbank so I probably need to rename him to Montana... :) But I guess keeping his nickname would work too. Anyways, Burbank came up exactly a week ago to hang out one last time. We were good this time. No hanky panky. Hehe Though he debated on spending the night because it's such a long drive home. When I hugged him goodbye I will say I had some emotions because I really will miss him! Sure, when I'm out visiting my grandparents I'll make sure to see him. But it was hard enough for us to hang out when he lived in Burbank! Maybe that was the problem. We kind of took advantage the fact that we were close enough but just far enough away to make it a bit too inconvenient to hang out consistently. I will say we got together more in the last year since I knew he was thinking about moving.

He even made that effort to stop by and meet the parents! Which I still can't quite figure out. hehe My dad thought he was great. They had a lot in common with their love of flight simulator games. My mom liked him too. What's not to like really? He's a good guy. My dad said that he seemed like a hurting soul though. And that's a pretty good assessment since he's leaving California to try to get out of his funk.

So there's another new guy friend. I don't think I've ever mentioned him. I want to label him the Music Man. He's a friend of the Ex. He and I met on myspace. He went to a DM concert and got to meet the band and I pretty much told a perfect stranger that I hated him and that’s the beginning of our friendship! He invited me to a show in Pomona in June for a band I had never heard of before that time, OURS. (Side Note: If you read my post prior you know this is the band that I'm obsessing over now.) His friend ditched him last minute and he asked me to go for free and I figured why not? I'm always up for new music. I went, we met in person for the first time, he's way cool and laid back and the show was an absolute blast!

A few weeks later he mentioned that there was an acoustic show at the end of September with the lead singer of OURS (Jimmy Gnecco) and asked if I wanted him to get me a ticket. Which I said “of course” to.

Then maybe a week after our birthday (we share the exact birthday), he asked if I wanted to go to another concert for free at the Hollywood Bowl with Nick Cave, Spiritualized and Cat Powers. This show was just two weeks before the acoustic show we already planned on going to. Sure enough this show rocked! We had incredible seats! Seriously 2nd row center! I was feeling slightly guilty as I saw the many fans envious of our spot when I had never even heard of the bands playing. But it was great to experience the show from that spot. And I even have a couple new bands I like! Nick Cave is interesting, but I definitely liked Spiritualized. Turns out Computer Geek is a fan and made me a cd of the albums he has of theirs… And he added a few others that he thought I’d like, (how freakin sweet is that?!).

So then our show at the end of September happened. I was blown away by the intimacy of the show. It was in the tiny "On the Rox" in Hollywood and we were front row again. I think I fell in love with the Jimmy Gnecco right then. I have obsessed for the last few weeks. He's an amazing singer.

So this week I happened to notice another OURS show at The Roxy in Hollywood in the beginning of December and have asked Music Man to come with me. :) I feel like he's the only one that would appreciate it with me.

Music man is a really cool guy. I don't get the relationship vibe from him. He just seems like a genuine person that I enjoy hanging out with. He seems to like that I appreciate music. I may not play any instruments or understand how they do it, but I sure as hell enjoy the music. He says that most of his other friends don't understand his tastes and pretty much I've established I do. It'll be interesting to see how this friendship proceeds.

So Computer Geek is still my fav... The last couple of days at work I've been so insanely busy I haven't had a chance to keep pestering him all day so we haven't chatted much. He's such a sweetie. I somehow felt truly special he made me that cd. There are just so many things throughout the day that make me smile about him and just who he is. I still haven’t convinced him to open up more about some of the stuff he’s into but I’ll keep working on him. He shares little by little and honestly that’s cool with me. He probably knows I couldn’t handle it all at once! Well it’s late and I have an early morning.

Tired

I'm not sure how I feel right now. I know I'm feeling a little hesitant to blog anymore. I am not sure whats up with that. I usually love sharing my thoughts with the world. I have come to realize that I don't like blogging on my public blog because so many people read it and right now I have so much going on in my head that I don't feel like sharing when certain people can read it. Even this secret blog has 1 possible reader who knows me. I feel more safe having him know about the true me but still I wonder am I truly being myself knowing he may be reading? I've decided that I probably will no longer blog on my personal site. Maybe I should go back and some how explain what I think brought this about.

I'm currenly listening to a live album of a concert I went to last Monday. I'm seriously swooning over the lead singer. I had such an amazing night I think I keep relistening to it because its one of the main things bringing a genuine smile on my face. I know my last post was pretty intense. And honestly I would have to say that has a lot to do with the emotions I've been dealing with this week. I'm still friends with the person that was written about. But I've pulled back completely. I can't say he hasn't either but I think we've both realized it's just a dysfunctional relationship.

I have become insecure. I had taken a lot of strides in realizing that I'm a beautiful person even though I may be heavyset. But sadly I question and doubt everything now. If someone mentions one thing about my personality I cringe like it's a negative thing. I went through a lot of depression last week. Wednesday was a pretty bad night. I have yet to have a good cry though. I thought I needed one Wednesday but when I tried I was completely numb.

And as I mentioned earlier I have a seriously swooning issue with the lead singer to OURS. I've been thinking a lot about all the boys in my life and somehow I feel that maybe I should stick with liking this lead singer. Why? Because there is less chance of getting hurt. He's unattainable. I can dream, wish and hope all I want and have to live with the occasional live show. I realize I'm a bit boy crazy. And I sometimes wonder if that part of my personality will ever change. There has always been someone. If not a tangible person, then it's been someone I could never get. I am a flirt. Can this part of my personality be toned down? I know I can change if I really want to. I'm just not sure if I want to yet. I sometimes think it would be easier. I end up really liking certain guys and then find out I'm misreading their actions. Or being casual with them until my feelings turn more serious and then I tend to get hurt.

It's odd. I'm even thinking about revamping my entire website. Not that I want to have a whole new layout, but I want a lot less on the site. Or I want to turn it into a photography only site. I don't like my current web album and I haven't been able to figure out an easy way of cleaning it up other then throwing it all out and starting over. Why is this included in my reflections? Because it shows I feel a need for some serious change. I'm pulling my life off of display.

I'm tired of feeling used. My best friend keeps wondering how I get involved with these guys that take advantage of me. They seem to capitalize on the fact that I like them and get what they want and don't offer much in return. I tend to notice they can be jerks but there is also another part of the friendships/relationships that is fulfilling. I've always said my brother likes 12 year old toothpicks with a little bitch to them. Of course they aren't actually 12 years old, but they are young! So now I'm wondering if I'm similar in my tastes. I like young toothpicks with a bit of jerk to them. Most of my life I've always crushed on younger guys. There is no question I like em skinny! And if we stick with the trend. they all can be serious assholes! My brother likes his girls to be a bit independent and successful. I could say the same about the guys I like. I mean Computer Geek and I have even talked about it, I'm an IT groupie. I like guys with brains and a bit of geek to them. That's one thing my brother doesn't have. He likes girls with expensive tastes and high class. That's not the case with the men I like. Sure they are successful but they don't have to be in designer clothes.

Sometimes I think if I were more introverted it would be a good thing. It's a struggle. Computer Geek and I were talking about relationships and he told me that he doesn't get attached with the women he dates. I sadly am almost the complete opposite. I get wrapped up in that person. But we established that there are pros and cons for both. And right now I'm hurt. So I wish I would have been less attached, more reserved. (Sigh) Not sure where all this reflection is going to take me. It may just be a protective thing.

Anyways, I'm definitely zoning. I need to go to sleep.

VERY raw and uncut

So I need to clear my head...

I'm angry
I'm hurt
I'm thinking your a pompas ass!!!!

You always have to dig dig dig... Fucking punch me in the gut... do you realize that I never once called your choices stupid! Never once put down your ideas. In fact, I even said that you were right. Do you realize you NEVER do this for me. You never concede... And if you do, it's never done in a polite manner. It's always belittling. I'm tired of being called the non-logical one. I'm tired of you hurting me. I'm tired of feeling like a miniscule little piece of shit every time we discuss my feelings. I'm not wrong. These are my feelings. My choices. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING STUPID!!!!!!! You fucking asshole! Fucking bastard!

I'm tired of trying to figure out how this friendship can work. I know you say you try... But in actuality it's like you try to find a way to get in there and hurt me. why? Why push the issue? Why make me feel like a little dumb person that is evil for having my own opinion!!?!?!?! I never put yours down. I listened. I reasoned. Is this imaturity?!?!?!

This isn't about just this conversation. If you think it is, you're insane. This is what I feel like with MOST of our conversations. Why do you even talk to me if I'm so stupid? Why do you even want to be my friend? This is how your responses to me make me feel. How could you want me in your life? is it that I make it so easy for you to feel good about yourself? To make you feel like you're the man? Damn you!

Ya know... I have low enough self esteem already. I don't think you're very healthy for me. I think I need to realize that this is a destructive relationship for me. I need someone to make me feel special. To make me feel good about having my own opinion. Someone that will help me stand on my own and not fall to my knees. I can't fully blame you. Our personalities just don't work well together. Why are we trying ? Why am I trying? Because I care about you so much? I'm sure that's the reason. How did I come to have such strong feelings for someone that makes me feel so small and unimportant?

Why am I so scared to send this? Is it because I don't want to lose you? Because I know if I truly call you on your shitty behavior you will walk away... You've told me as much. But I can't deal with this anymore. I so desperately want you to call and say you're sorry and that you care about me. Is this what I've been waiting for? is it even possible? Is it even true?

I don't want to play games. Yet I want to make you sweat it out. But are you? Or are you moving onto the next thing to entertain you?

I'm still crying... This is not a good thing. I can't stop. Is it because I know I have to say goodbye forever? Is it because I truly care about you and yet don't feel the feelings are mutual?

I know you're going through a lot ... Is this why? Is that your way of not focusing on the fact that your work situation sucks so much? Is this your defense mechanism? Do I send this text? Do I just go to sleep? I want to talk to you. I want to share these feelings... I'm so afraid of your reaction. I'm so understanding that in comparison to this conversation you will be in shock at my volcano... But I've been pushed too far. I've made too many excuses for your behavior towards me. I deserve people in my life that will help me feel good about myself. I lament with you about your work situation. I lament about your family. You have lamented about one thing... my sister. To the point that I feel guilty you won't be her friend.

Part of me wants to apologize for adding to your already overwhelmed situation. And a part of me knows you will belittle me if I do... Something to the extent of "Oh I had forgotten you were even pissed" ......little fucker... I'm tired of you making me feel like a peon.

Sent... lets see how you react... Will you reply? will you tell me you just thought I went to bed and could care less? Will you even feel the least bit of guilt for talking down to me? Will you even say you're sorry?

The Men - young and old

Vegas - After I refrained from having sex with him when I was in Vegas for a business trip I thought he'd stop texting but to my surprise he's kept it up. Though I really found it difficult to stop myself from having sex. If I hadn't made a promise to myself that I didn't want to add another person to my list I would have easily let him come up to my room. But if I can't be honest here where can I be honest? I did it for Geek Photographer. He knew I was going to meet someone in Vegas and possibly have sex. He seemed concerned about it. He kept making me promise to tell him if I did end up doing something with Vegas. And because of my feelings for him, not wanting to let him down, I refrained from having sex, even though damn.... I wanted to. Vegas is fucking hot! It didn't stop me from having great makeout sessions.

I was surprised at how natural it all happened. I found myself walking hand-in-hand with him. He was a complete gentleman well other then pushing me to have sex when I kept saying no. He knew deep down I was struggling with my decision. But I stuck to my guns and in the end he respected it.

Colorado - Did I mention that the moment he got married he fell off the face of the earth? Not on chat, website password secured, cell number no longer a working number, *poof*... gone!

Ex - Has surprisingly kept in contact since being married. Not so much on chat but in emails. In fact making an awkward attempt at being friendly by sending me links to his honeymoon and wedding! I struggled with the "wtf" thoughts... Seriously, who sends an ex-girlfriend pictures of your honeymoon? hehe Freak... But he's a nice guy. My friends ask why I don't just tell him to go away. Part of me wonders if I should. He made a promise, part of me thinks I should just thank him for sticking to it, but it really doesn't matter anymore. I don't mind an update every 6 months, but you don't have to work at keeping the friendship alive. What friendship really? It's more like an awkward aquaintence now.

Burbank - Has pushed off his move a few weeks. It's now scheduled for the 29th. He's made it a priority to meet my parents before he leaves the state. Odd, I know. Still can't quite figure that one out.

Junior - Yup, a new character in my listings of men. I've been trying to figure out a good name for him. He's 11 years my junior so I figured why not just call him that. I've mentioned him before, asking if it was wrong that I was shamelessly flirting with him. The thing is, I think this young guy is a total hottie. I think last night I found out for the first time the feelings are mutual. We've made a pact that the next time we're both single he's taking me out on a date. He currently has a girlfriend.

I first mentioned him at the bottom of my "Getting Stuff off my chest" blog if you want a little history.

In not such a wise move I admitted that I woke up one morning to a naughty dream about him. I had only shared that it made me blush. He got a kick out of it the day I told him but never mentioned it again. But sure enough he mentioned it last night. He wanted to know what I dreamt about. Going back and forth he told me I was sexy, extremely beautiful and that he was looking forward to taking me out... Damn!

Even in the midst of others he has said some things that make others question him about his actions because he has a girlfriend. He found out I missed a call from Older Guy and someone commented that his reaction showed jealousy.

Older Guy - He keeps promising to take me out for my birthday but our schedules just haven't meshed. He's such a dreamer. He has some awesome business ideas. But I'm just not sure how it's going to work.

Computer Geek - Still as adorable as ever. Though I'm surprised he sent his girlfriend back home. I know that with his girlfriend around I kept myself a little guarded not to go too far with the flirting even though I knew he didn't seem to care one way or the other.

Geek Photographer - Oddly I haven't been as worked up about him the last couple of days. He hasn't been calling as regularly. Tuesday I didn't hear from him once, but he was also at a funeral that day. Though I guess he said he was tempted to stop by my work on his way back to Santa Monica but he had a huge headache and just needed to get home. I didn't mind I had a long drawn out talk with Washington which I'll discuss in a moment. This morning he text me and asked if he could call me on my way into work. He had some drama at work he wanted to share and I guess get my advise and opinion.

Washington - He called me Tuesday night and asked if I had time to talk. Sure enough he went on for about 2 hours about the history, every detail, with the latest girl he was seeing. I had no idea he was such an overanalyzer. He went on and on and at a couple points I had to tell him to get to the point. He jumped all over the place. Story after story. He wanted my opinion as a girl and when I would share it he would interupt or try to explain my opinion away with another story. If I would say anything negative about this girl he would get overly defensive of her. My phone finally died after 2 1/2 hours. I will say this... The girl he's seeing is scared to death to get into a serious relationship. She's keeping him at arms length but is holding onto him for dear life.

Sadly the next day I found out only 30 minutes after our talk he found out his best friend from the service was killed in Iraq two days ago. :( Poor guy, so much going on. He called me on my work line yesterday morning and I haven't heard from him since. I'm really actually worried about him.

Well that's it for now.

Written 7/27/08 - Old post about Geek Photographer

Ok so most of this was written Sunday night...

I don't have a lot of time. I really should be in bed. But as most days... I tend to contemplate more at night.

Geek Photographer - Hmmm... I'm wondering whats going on in his head. We've become good friends. I enjoy our conversations. He seems to be calling more. Every weekend he comes up to visit his mom and always had an excuse not to get together. I finally stopped trying to make an effort. Finally last week it hit me that maybe it was because of a fear that spending time together would lead to something more. So I decided this was the case and started teasing him about being a scaredy cat and he was just afraid I'd "maninize" him. This is his word to desribe me since I tend to flirt with a lot of guys.

So I owe him cookies, for what? I can't remember. Earlier in the week I told him I could bake them this weekend and drop them off or we could meet in a public place so his mom won't give him a hard time about me. (She wants him to date me because I'm a Christian and she wants him to date a Christian rather then be with his Buddhist girlfriend.) He never gave me an answer so Friday I sent him a text asking him if I was baking his cookies, he said "no." So imagine my surprise when he called when my sister was finishing up my hair, asking if I wanted to hang out for a few hours. I felt like shit. I started my period and my stomach was all jacked up. I looked like crap because I stayed up WAY too late the night before. But I agreed to meet up with him. I exaggerated the length of time it would take so I could buy time to go freshen up.

I get home and am aware I want to look my best. I thought this was going to be a difficult task feeling and looking as horrible as I did. But I seemed to pull it off somehow. I knew I was over-dressed for a last minute call on a Saturday but I figured how would he know I went out of my way for him unless I told him?

He needed some sandals so we met at a shoe store near my house. As soon as I saw him I realized that there was definitely an attraction to him. One that had grown since the last time I had seen him in person. So I walk up to him and give him a hug and I could tell we both were feeling a bit awkward. But it didn't last long. I was pleasantly surprised that he seemed eager for my opinion of his choices. We had a couple "moments" as I would call them. Moments where later I imagined pulling him in for a kiss.

He was such a gentleman. I am still surprised when men pay for things. The only other person that wouldn't allow me to buy anything was Older Guy but I figured it was a generation thing. But the two times I've hung out with Geek Photographer he wouldn't let me pay, even when it was a place I stopped for myself! It was in Juice It Up that I noticed I was crushing big time. We were waiting for our drinks and it was crowded, we were close, but I didn't realize how close till everyone else was gone and we stayed right where we were.

It wasn't until we went our seperate ways that I called my friend and told her I was in serious trouble. I went home and took a nap, I couldn't get the grin off my face. Nothing happened. Though I kept imagining how it could have at Juice It Up. I kept smiling over comments that were made. I realized this is a problem. He has a girlfriend. What am I doing!? So I started compiling a conversation that I should have with him about my concern of his lack of communication about his girlfriend, making me feel he was available. I find myself flirting with him far more then I should a guy in a relationship. I find myself imagining a relationship forming when he's made it clear that's not what he wants.

Even now, after the conversations we've had... I can't imagine him NOT wanting a relationship with me. Have I deluded myself into thinking he wants me and all along he's made it abundantly clear that he's glad I don't have any expectations? I mean after my nap I made the decision to back off. Keep my distance. For my own safety and sanity. But he's called me more then usual, sent text messages more often and has been all around more involved. I've even given excuses, given him outs, and he's asked me to call him back or made reasons for me to stay on the phone with him. It's just odd. I know I'm falling more then I should. I need to keep myself from letting my imagination and my heart from slipping too far.

We talked tonight about his beliefs. He knew I went to a water baptism after church. He made a joke about drowning the person and he mentioned that he knew I wouldn't be offended with a statement like that unlike his sister and his mom. I hadn't realized his sister was a Christian also. I've always been under the impression that he was raised in a Christian home but that he never kept the beliefs as his own. He was very offended when he found out thats how I viewed his beliefs. He said there was a big difference in believing in something and not actively pursuing it.

He also said something else that intrigued me. I was mentioning that I felt he was a bit obsessed with Computer Geek. He always asks about him. He told me its because he's trying to figure out what's going on between us. I thought he was joking until he said that he's backed off on asking because I kept giving him the same answer and now he'll throw in a question about him here and there just to see if I'll give in to more information. I laughed and told him what I've always told him. Sure I flirt with Computer Geek... That everyone in the office knows I flirt with Computer Geek. Majorly flirt! And I totally think he's a cutie, a bit of a freak but in a good way! But that's it. But I didn't tell him that if Computer Geek ever wanted to do anything with me, I think I'd go for it in a heartbeat! My only hesitation is my own personal insecurities, because I can't imagine Computer Geek being physically attracted to me, sure my face may be pretty... But if his current girlfriend is any indication of what he is physically attracted to then I'm the opposite. And well we work together, it would make for an awkward work environment.

ARGH!!!

Why do boys have to be so confusing? Yesterday after a talk with my friend I was left feeling like I was completely done with "his" games. Almost sad that I keep falling for them. Angry that he was so selfish to keep toying with my emotions. I decided I had enough. I was going to avoid talking with him until I was ready to tell him so. I had already agreed to talk to him last night so I stayed busy and didn't keep my phone on me like usual. Sure enough I missed his call. I decided to text him when I was heading to bed and let him know I was sorry I missed his call but was busy and was heading to bed. Sure enough maybe 10 minutes later I get a call from him. I debated on picking up but decided it was easier to answer and just let him know I was in bed.

He, of course, wanted to talk. I told him I was in bed. He seemed to enjoy the fact that I was groggy. And sadly I was already smirking as I talked to him. Something in how he talks to me makes me laugh. I can't help but enjoy myself. But sure enough when I made it clear I was not intending to talk long he pulled the game out of his bag and said something he knew would get to me. I'm not sure if it was because I'd been stewing on my frustrations but in a half asleep stuper I started telling him off. Not yelling, just groggily but flatly calling him a fucking asshole and that I was done with his games. He of course found this highly entertaining. I can imagine how it came out. Someone half asleep mumbles something about you being a fucking asshole. But I meant it, every word. He suddenly brings on the charm... I try to stay mad. He fixes the statement he said that pushed me over that edge of self control. He knows I get angry with him quite regularly. Suddenly his voice is like silk... He's teasing... Toying... Again. I tell him I can't stay mad.

The above was written Wednesday September 17th.

So I spent the day at "his" mom's house, with him, his mom, and sister's family. He told me they like me if that's any consolation to the fact that they were whispering about us while I was on the living room floor playing on a train set with him and his nephew. I was tempted to write back "it's not them that I'm curious about".

Should I even still be curious? He knows the depth of my feelings yet I can't tell if he really likes me. I know he does. But is it just more games?

One thing I've learned is I freaking talk too much! Too many people know my business and I find myself retreating right now. Three people, no make that four people that I care about all have negative views of each other because of what I've shared! Do you realize how horrible that makes me feel? My best friend doesn't like "him" all that much. My sister got offended at "him". "He" doesn't like my sister because of something I shared that happened between her and I. My friend whom I referred to that I spoke to Tuesday about "him" seems to be the only one to understand because she's in a similarly confusing situation with a guy. Though her guy is nothing but sweet and complimentary.

Yet... "He" has started to compliment me more since our talk Tuesday night. Nothing extravagant or even necessarily romantic in nature. But telling me I have a nice laugh when I was telling him I worried my laugh can be a bit loud. He also went out of his way to say I had a great personality. And that someone I was having an issue with at work was probably just jealous because he can't imagine anyone not liking me. He told me tonight he was glad I came over and it was nice to see me again. These things may not seem like much but sadly it's a big deal for him. We see eachother maybe once every couple of months. Yet I talk to him every day, multiple times a day. I left his mom's house and we text for about an hour.

Then I keep thinking... Is this what I want? Someone I care about not really making me feel all that special? Or should I be ok with the little things? We do seem to have a great friendship. I looked at him today, I mean really looked at him. Wondering if I could see myself with him. Part of me wasn't sure. Is this one of those situations I'm infatuated but if it came down to it and was presented with a relationship would I really want one with him?

I'm tired of crying. Yes... I've cried the last couple of times I've been torn. This doesn't seem normal. I was on the verge of crying on my way over to "his" mom's house. I was upset because of him not coming over to my house because my sister was over at my place. I wondered if I was doing the right thing by giving in to his decision to have me go over to his mom's house. (I did that with an ex and it was a huge mistake) I felt like I was just settling. Feeding into his bad behavior. Yet I wanted to see him. ARGH! I'm so frustrated. Should I really be frustrated? Whenever I'm with him I'm happy and I forget all of this! But as soon as I'm thinking about it, i'm pissed. Not necessarily at him, but at myself.

Like tomorrow... I suggested he come down to my work early so we could hang out before he had to pick up some relatives at the airport by my work. He said he had tentative plans with another friend of his. I told him no worries and when I was telling him goodnight I told him to give me a call if he was able to hang out otherwise I'd just head home after work. He then comes back asking me to text him after I got off of work. Why couldn't he just call me? It's almost like he has to be in control. But of even something that simple?

It's so sad. I talk to my friends and they all say he sounds like a big jerk. Yet I defend him and realize I somehow haven't conveyed how he makes me feel the other times. How can I be so pulled to this guy that I can't seem to get my friends to think is a decent guy? Sigh... I think I've shared all that I can share. I need to get to bed and I'm sure I will sleep thinking of him, tossing and turning like I have for the last week. blah!

I'm buzzed

So I'm sitting in a hotel room in Vegas with no clothes on (left my pjs at home) ... totally buzzed. Probably more so then I have been in a LONG time. I went to a bar and ordered a drink that the bartender convinced me to get in a mason jar size! It had rum, some sour green stuff, and vodka. The worst part is I only drank maybe a little over 1/4 and I was feeling it! I'm a lightweight, what can I say. Right now I'm pounding the water because the biggest portion of my business trip happens tomorrow!

I've had a great trip. I've never done the business trip. I've been keeping receipts and know that even the drink I ordered will be covered by the company. Kind of nice!

I'm not sure how long it will take for me to go to sleep. I need to be up early for a long day at a conference. But right now I'm glad I'm taking this opportunity to enjoy myself. My friend from Utah has been out hanging out with me. She and I go WAY back... I think we met when I was 6 and she was 7. She's got an infectious laugh. She's awesome.

Remember Vegas? The guy I refer to as Vegas that is. Well he had every intention of "hooking up" while I was here. And at one point I was convinced I would get laid on this trip. But since my sexcapade with Burbank I have a different view of the whole situation. Even now, I still don't plan on letting him get anywhere. I think I pissed him off. When I first arrived he wanted to take me to dinner when I already warned him before I even got here that I wouldn't have time to hang out till Wednesday night. I haven't heard from him since. So I may not even see him tomorrow night. And I'm not too worried about it. In fact, it will save me the effort of having to convince him how serious I am that I'm not going to sleep with him.

*ok I take it back... Just heard from Vegas and he's planning on picking me up from the hotel tomorrow night and take me to dinner and out to a club. We'll see how it goes.

Anyways, I think I've fallen for Geek Photographer. There's no other explanation for how I feel about him. Things have changed for us recently and I think he's starting to accept it as well. Who knows though. He always gets close and then pulls away. But he knew about "Vegas" propositioning me and even though he knows I don't plan on having sex he's asked me every day if I've hooked up with him. And before I left he made me promise to be honest if i did hook up with Vegas. I don't see what concern it is of his but oh well.

Well I really should get to sleep. I'll write more soon I'm sure...

So... It was my birthday Thursday...

Happy Birthday to me! So my birthday was Thursday. I didn't do too much. I felt special all day though. I was surprised I got so many calls, emails, texts, comments on myspace and facebook, etc. At work Computer Geek applauded me. There is another guy... not sure I ever gave him a nickname but I know I've mentioned him. I was accused of having an affair with him! Either way he gave me a hug and wished me a happy birthday. Another girl sang me happy birthday. I think the biggest surprise was someone I've known on a superficial level for years made a point to go out of his way to call and wish me a happy birthday. All-in-all it was a great day! And tonight I'm going out with some friends.

Geek Photographer - Where to start? There have been so many blogs I've started but never posted about him. Mostly because I get so furious with him, I vent, and suddenly he's as sweet as can be again. I guess it's safe to say he brings out the worst in me. Horrible to say I know. But it's the only explanation I can give for how I react to him. Turns out I do the same to him, though he hides it better then me. I'm drawn to him in an unnatural way. I think he knows this and exploits it. He enjoys the power and abuses it until he realizes that he's pushed me too far and then he makes up for it.

Though in all the frustration I think we've come to a mutual understanding and respect for where to draw the lines. I sometimes wonder what makes the friendship worth this much effort!?

So we got together a week and a half ago to test out his new concept for a photoshoot. We had a good time. I think that was the first time I realized how much it bothers him that I pry into his life. Not by what he said, but just how he said it. It made sense. I'm an open person so it's harder for me to understand. But something clicked and I decided to back off on asking him and sure enough in the last week and a half he's opened up more then ever. Maybe not about things I have been curious about but some things I was pleasantly surprised he was willing to share.

I lost it with him a week ago Friday but within moments I realized what the issue was. And there hasn't been any issues ever since. I shared with him my concerns. I've been very honest that I believe my feelings for him affect my ability to brush off the things he says. I don't regret telling him this, though I'm sure some people would say that wasn't wise. I have no clue where this friendship is going. And really, it doesn't matter.

Oh yes he did!

Me - You can't be serious!?!?

Him - I am

Me - You aren't coming up here JUST to have sex!?!!

Him - Well it won't just be sex, we will be kissing too.

Me - You're pulling my leg

Him - I'm absolutely serious, what's a good time?

Me - I'm going out for my birthday Saturday night.

Him - Well I could come over earlier for a quickie

Me - You're so playing with me. That's so wrong!

Him - (pleading) Awh... Come on... You know you want to. You're so mean, why aren't you being nice to me? And I need a quickie. You know you want it too...

Me - (having a hard time concentrating because of the longing in his voice) ...

Him - Please?!

Me - (Sarcastically) sure then come over at noon...

Him - That'll give us 6 hours... What if I need more time?

Me - (still in disbelief) Fine, make it 9...

Him - ok I'll need directions

Me - I know you can't be serious about this.

Him - You should see how serious I am! Do you want a picture?

Me - (mouth drops to the floor)

Him - (laughs)

Me - ...(Calling his bluff) Sure send it over!

Him - I can't do that! I can't believe you'd ask!

Me - I didn't ask, you offered, I decided to take you up on it.

Him - Guess where my hand is?

Me - You can't be serious!?!

Him - Just guess

Me - On your stomach

Him - nope

Me - on your head

Him - come on, I know you can do better then that

Me - on your chest

Him - I know you can be more dirty then that!

Me - in your armpits

Him - Think dirtier.

Me - You can't be touching yourself!?!?

Him - With how perverted you are, I can't believe you're not guessing. I know you know. Just say it.

Me - Fine... Are you touching yourself down there? (oddly not able to say the word penis or dick)

Him - Yup!

Me - (Jaw drops again) Are you rubbing?

Him - mmhmmm

Me - How hard are you?

Him - Well I have to go to bed now. Goodnight!

Computer Geek still in the lead

I know I said the men have all taken a step back... At least the ones that were possible relationship candidates. One person has stayed at the forefront of my affections and that's Computer Geek. Though he was never really a candidate it doesn't change the fact that I still have a considerable crush on him. He's such a sweetie and there really is just something about him that draws me to him, he just brings a smile to my face.

I think the most surprising thing for me was when I had a nightmare last week. It was horrible. I couldn't shake the creepiness I felt. I rebuked the enemy multiple times, prayed in my tongue, even called my mom at 4:30 in the morning to pray with me. It was one of the worst nightmares I can remember. But the dream wasn't all that bad, it was the creepiness that I couldn't seem to shake that got to me more then the dream itself. When I finally felt a little light hearted I tried to keep my mind occupied with other things, trying to avoid visuals of the worst parts of the dream from coming to the forefront of my mind. Computer Geek was the one thing that made me feel calm, memories of our chats or moments at work. Even work in general was the one thing I could focus on and eventually fall back to sleep.

Anyways, Computer Geeks friendship means a lot to me. There is a joy that he brings to my life that I hope never gets taken away. I know there is a high chance that it could. As with most relationships, people come and go, but there are those people that leave a lasting impression and he will be one of them for sure.

Geek Photographer - He's made me promise to say something nice about him in my secret blog today. So I will say things are going well again. I haven't shared with him any hints of its whereabouts (like I did with Computer Geek). I think he's concerned he's gotten on my shit list and to be honest there were plenty of times he was. I had an entire long winded post about how frustrated I was with him but it just didn't seem important enough to share with the world. I vented and that was all I needed. I needed a break from him and I took it. I would like to say it was my choice but it seemed that we both came to that conclusion at the same time. He is the one that calls me, and for an entire week I neither got a call or chatted with him. In fact, I thought the friendship was over and to be honest I wasn't too heart broken.

But that break seems to have done the friendship good. He's no longer the major ass he was before. I almost felt like he went out of his way to put me down. Now it's a normal friendship. He still gives me shit. And with my friendships that's required.

He's also come up with a photography outting. One that I'm pretty excited about! One, its a very cool concept! Two, it'll just be fun to get out and shoot pics with a purpose. He has big plans to get our photography group going but the last time I got my hopes up and nothing came of it. One thing I've realized is that he's a dreamer and an entrepreneur. Both things I admire but it can sometimes mean being let down by the next big thing.

So the above was written last night. I got interupted by a call from Geek Photographer because he couldn't sleep! We pretty much just surfed the web together. It was ... kind of interesting. I enjoyed it. But I hate when I start to like him more then I should. He's proven that when I start to care he becomes an asshole. I'm running late to work this morning too because my brother needed my car to pick up parts for his truck and I know I'm gonna get shit about being late when we were both up just as late as the other and he got to work on time. And this would be the kind of shit that I enjoy as much as I may moan and groan about it while he's dishing it.

Well I need to pack up my lunch and get ready so when my brother gets back I'm ready.

Circle of Men

It used to be that I could just reach out and grab one... If that one annoyed me, look another direction and grab the next. Now all the men have taken a step back whether because I've pushed them away or they've pulled away on their own. Now I'm forced to take a step toward one of them to get closer and I'm not willing to make that move. I'm in the middle of the circle looking at them all longingly and yet just don't want to make the effort. For now, that's how I'm leaving it.

What just happened!?

So where does one begin? I have another post about Geek Photographer that has been waiting to post for so long that it's no longer relevant to things going on between us. I will post it with additions another time... Because from one week to the next things changed so dramatically and currently not for the better.

Burbank - Is the main reason for this late post. He called me last week and asked if I'd be able to go to BootieLA with him. It's something we've wanted to do for a while now and I was shocked to realize that I was actually available to go! So we made plans to meet at his place, head over to Bootie from there and that was that.

I'm not sure if it was the alcohol, the dancing, or just the mutual attraction and need/desire for sex but I found myself in bed with him. It seems odd to say. It's like it didn't happen. I feel no remorse or regret. We're friends. I went into it knowing it wouldn't go anywhere. He's moving. I think that's part of the reason I felt ok acting on my urge. And I look back and am not sure what we were thinking. I feel slightly scattered in my thoughts, even now the next day. That could be because I only got 4 hours of sleep and then took a 3 hour nap.

But looking back, I knew the frame of mind I was in. I wanted sex. I knew I'd enjoy sex with him. And yet, considering he's only my 2nd partner for actual intercourse I'm surprised I'm not as impacted by my actions. I was surprised by my boldness with him.

I went back to his place and he wanted to burn a copy of the cd I got from the club. I laid on his bed while he showed me things on his computer. And before I realized it, he started a movie and came and laid on the bed intimately close to me placing his hand on my hips or around my waist. We cuddled for a bit and I would say I was the one that started kissing him. He jokingly commented that neither of us had ever imagined going here before. We've been friends for so long and even then, I thought it was only going to be a make-out session. He even asked if I was going to blog about this on myspace and I told him I wouldn't not about something like this but that I'd definitely be mentioning it on my secret blog. He laughed and said of course I'd have a secret blog! But the kissing got hot and heavy quick and before I knew it he was asking if he should be getting a condom.

The sex was intense. I'm so sad to say that it was better then I ever had with my ex as far as satisfaction goes. I loved my ex, it was more intimate and special. With Burbank it was animalistic... It was fucking. And I was pleasantly surprised by his focus on me. I have always felt he was a bit of a selfish bastard, but apparently not as a lover. He was all about pleasing me and pacing himself. I never knew my ex wasn't very experienced until having sex with Burbank last night. It made it obvious only then. And when we finally were done for the night, or I should say morning because the sun was rising, he was surprisingly affectionate. We laid in bed and he always had to be holding onto me or touching me, he would tenderly caress my body or move my hair if he felt it was in my way.

When I finally got up to get ready to leave it was right back to friend mode. He burned the copy of the cd, made me breakfast, we chatted about every day events and then we talked a little about what happened and neither of us were too concerned. Well I will say he was worried about the affect on the friendship and I too would have thought something would have been changed if this happened last year but I have since moved on from any romantic feelings about him. I am attracted to him. We do have fun. But he can be a real ass sometimes and I know I wouldn't want him in my life for any length of time.

Now as much as I'm thankful for this fact that having sex has not impacted our friendship, I'm actually rather concerned at my ability to be so ok with what I did. My friend found out about it, she figured it out on her own and I couldn't lie, she was shocked. And honestly I hadn't given it much thought until she said something. Because I've gotten on her about her desire to have sex with this one guy. But I know it would be detrimental to her because she really cares about this guy and having sex with him will screw her up more since he has a girlfriend. I knew I didn't want anything more with Burbank. Yet I can't imagine me just going out and having sex with anyone else. I've always imagined something happening with me and him. And I think the friendship is one where I knew I could trust him. Other guys I don't feel I can trust that well. Or am I saying all this in hopes not to sound like I sleep around with just anyone? I know I don't. I'm still kind of surprised by how things worked out.

Something just hit me... Vegas... I had every intention of having sex with him when I went out there next month. Now I'm suddenly not so sure. Why is that? Hmm I will have to think about that one. But for now I really need to get to bed.

Getting stuff off my chest...

So I need to get this off my chest and my wireless connection isn’t working so well. “Oh… My… God…” Why does it irk me so much when someone complains about my use of that phrase? Why does it seem like such hypocrisy to be scolded for using the Lord’s name in vain when I use the phrase? Either way, I just got off the phone with a friend acquaintance, whom just gave me a lecture on the use of that phrase and it being offensive to him and oh how he didn’t want to come across as a jerk or anything but it was his God too… blah blah blah!

Of course this conversation comes after a possibly inappropriate chat with Geek Photographer, who ironically used the term “big camera” to refer to his… well business. Guess my nickname is more fitting then I thought. I will say that ever since our blunt conversation (see below) I think the friendship has naturally leaned towards more flirtation of the sexual nature.

So I found out a coworker has been spying on me. And yes, not in a good way. A coworker I actually have had a lot of troubles with… her work ethic and abilities suck. Apparently she’s been taking more time to see what’s on my screen then doing her own work. How did I find out about this? Oh, well my new supervisor asked me today if I was happy about moving so this coworker wouldn’t have the opportunity to check out all the personal stuff I was doing. I knew she was doing it, but I hadn’t realized how big of an issue it was! She would even make eye gestures to my supervisor to indicate I was yet again doing something unwork-related who in turn would tell her to mind her own work-related business! I’m just glad he knows I’m a good worker. Though when he told me she made eye gestures I seriously had daydreams about beating her head up against her cubicle wall. Brutal I know… But I’ve never mentioned this woman, and well this is not something I can truly vent about on my public blog because I’ve already had people at my work twist my words around even when I didn’t mean harm by them! I can only handle so much though. Since this new supervisor has signed on I have noticed he’s picked up on my coworkers issues right away. He sympathizes with me. He gets annoyed with her. Before he came along I desperately struggled to even be cordial with this coworker. Now, knowing I’m not alone in my annoyances, has honestly helped me take a step back and relax about my frustrations with her. Though today when I heard that… well it was hard NOT to get all frustrated all over again. Ok… so enough venting… I think I should just send this post out.

Below was written last night

Fresno - Out of the blue Fresno contacted me and said he plans on coming down to So Cal and wants to get together. I asked him when and he said he didn't know but he wanted it to be soon... Maybe the next couple of weeks. Of course I will probably meet up with him but I'm still so surprised especially with how things happened last time and I will NOT let it get to that point again.

Geek Photographer - Well we had an... um... interesting conversation last week. We got on the subject that I like guys with a bit of geek to them and I freely admitted that there was an attraction on my part towards him. His first response was "awkward" in a sarcastic tone. Then he asked why this was the first he'd ever heard of it and I replied well this isn't something that one just blurts out (kind of like I just did hehe), then he played the cocky game and said he knew it. I decided to inform him it wasn't all along! That it was after getting to know him, the ease of our friendship and well other things that I think brought about the attraction. And he said he could tell me when it started. Sure enough he got the timeline right. I told him that Computer Geeks teasing started well before my attraction. I made sure to let him know it wasn't like I expected anything to happen with him and he was like "well good". Little punk... So I decided to push the issue, I asked him point blank if he was attracted to me. He then pretended he had to go, hemmed and hawed and said that I already knew he didn't answer personal questions. So I asked him what the big deal was, why not admit it. This is where things got a bit awkward, for me at least... He said that its because *he's* the one in a relationship. I told him that ok I could understand that but whether or not he's attracted its not like it's going to change anything to which he replied no one expects it to but well that's how relationships always start. The light switch turned on, obviously he answered my question without answering it. But not only that, he answered in a way that I thought made the situation more serious then it needed to be. I backed off. Told him I understood where he was coming from and then went on to talk about other things.

Though he did tease me about Computer Geek. At some point in the conversation I was explaining how I think our common interest in photography made for a natural attraction. He asked if that was code, that I liked his camera better then Computer Geeks. Then said that he couldn't wait to tell Computer Geek that I thought his camera was bigger and liked his more then Computer Geeks!!! Yes, what have I done?

Computer Geek - Awesome and adorable as usual. He said some really sweet things last week when I was pretty down. He knows there's a new girl coming into my department and he asked if she hot and when I told him yes, that she was a great candidate to be his future ex-girlfriend he asked if I would be sad to no longer be the only one... How adorable is that?! I shared with him my insecurities and as much as he said he's not good with the silly girlie stuff he was really sweet about his response.

Its odd though... With as much as I lust after Computer Geek, one would think that I would have obsessed more about him telling me I was pretty and the comment he made about me and the new girl then about Geek Photographers response to my point blank question of whether or not he was attracted to me. I mean there is something about Computer Geek that is just sexy. As far as I'm concerned he's... well hot! Sadly, his pictures just don't do him justice. Anyways, last week I did have a hard time letting go of Geek Photographers response. I guess because it made me feel that he'd thought about a relationship forming far more then I ever had. And that if he would have just freely stated his attraction to me and followed it up with the fact that it didn't change the fact that he was already in a relationship then it would have been kind of laid back, more casual. Who knows... I'm an overanalyzer by nature. So I've probably read WAY too much into it as it is.

Washington - Called me out of the blue Friday on my work number just to start my weekend out right. He even sent me a text this morning. Called me Saturday at like 1am! Crazy guy.

Burbank - is just a miserable guy. He loves blasting women. Takes pride in it actually. Not sure what’s up with him lately. He’s been making more of an effort with the friendship, calling, asking about my life and what’s going on, stating that he wished I lived closer so we could spend more time together. All the while, I’m keeping him at arms length just because I’ve been blasted by him before, it’s a pattern, a horrible one at that… I don’t want that. I don’t need that right now.

Touchy Feely - Went out of state for a while. It was kind of nice. He never really called or talked to me. Now suddenly that he’s on his way back to Cali he’s calling and messaging more often. Ugh! I don’t want to have to keep avoiding his advances.

So is it wrong that I flirt with (even fantasize about) a boy who’s 11 years my junior? Don’t worry, he’s legal. Just barely! Our friendship was more like he was my adopted little brother but the older he’s gotten the more non-related the dynamic of our relationship is. We no longer refer to each other as “little brother” and “sis”. He calls me “Good Lookin” and I call him “Cutie”. He’s made comments that make me believe he’s struggling to be good. Usually it’s only because other people are around. Here I am thinking, how in the world can I allow myself to visualize ANYTHING happening with this kid?! Though he’s a really good lookin kid!

Anyways, guess this was a post about getting stuff off my chest. Things that I haven’t ever written down! Now it’s time for bed.

Thoughts... btw Happy Birthday Computer Geek

Computer Geek - So it’s Computer Geeks birthday today. Happy Birthday Computer Geek! Actually it’s more like yesterday. He actually knows about this blog. I broke down and let him know the address… Just gave it right over to him. He says it’s because he’s my favorite… And well he’d be right. In all honesty I believe he read it that initial time, maybe a few posts and will probably never visit again. But this reminds me of something I did back in 6th grade. I had the hugest crush on “Hunk-of-babe”… Even then I had nicknames for my crushes. Either way, hunkofbabe came over to my house and went through my stuff and found my journal. Not that I hid it very well. The journals first page had descriptions of my little 6th grade feelings for him. And so rather then being all embarrassed by it, after a moment of blushing I went straight up to him and said something like… I like you. So what? I’m not afraid to admit it.

Computer Geek has known that I’ve been crushing on him. I believe I shared the phrase “ginormous crush”. He might not have known the degree of my crush. Or maybe he could have thought I was just teasing him. And to some extent I was. I have said it to him and on this blog: I truly adore him. He’s a total cutie in every sense of the word! Yet I know that’s it. I’m still completely intrigued by him. I still want to get to know him more. I will eventually learn all that his sick and twisted mind is into!

Colorado - I’ve been thinking a lot about the past relationships I’ve had. Sometimes I forget how serious things got with Colorado! We even talked about me moving out there. There were times I even wondered if he cared, but looking back I know he really did, at least as much as he could at the time. Yes, he is getting married at the end of this month. And our relationship ended a little over a year ago.

Ex - I spoke with my ex the day before last. He sent me a quick email which I replied with just an exclamation and he showed up online asking how I was doing. He’s counting down the days to his wedding so he seems happy. We somehow got on the subject of his fiancé and how she feels about me. And this is what he said “I think she's still all about the live and let live”… “now that we're getting married though, I think that'll ease up.” So as I sat there pondering what that meant he said he had to run off to catch his flight home. First of all my first instinct to the phrase “live and let live” is let bygones be bygones. How does this need to be eased up on? I asked a few people. Most didn’t think he understood what the phrase “live and let live” meant. Computer Geek said the problem wasn’t the phrase but that his fiancé was even having to think it, is the problem.

Again I overanalyzed it and came to this thought… I have a feeling she doesn’t like that he and I are still friends. Especially knowing how serious we were. In her mind I think she feels like ok why don’t you just go live your life and we’ll live ours. (this could be what he means by live and let live) He has shared that she is frustrated with our friendship and she doesn‘t understand why we stay in touch. In my mind though what friendship? We don’t talk on the phone. We barely chat. We’re more like acquaintances whom were intimate at one time. Lots of people have done that. I’m not saying I want to be her friend but as much as I feel love for my ex, it’s more love for what we were, not who we are now… I don’t want him back. I know he’s where he needs to be.

All that to say I’m still as confused as when he said it. I don’t know when I’ll talk to him again. It may or may not be before the wedding. One morning I was getting ready and it hit me that I’m not sad he’s getting married. I feel like I’ve truly let go.

Vegas - If you remember, he is the fuckably hot one. He’s anxious to meet up. He asked me when I was available to spend a couple days with him. So I told him about my business trip out there in September. He also knows I will have my own room. On top of which my supervisor is having us stay longer then the convention just so she doesn’t have to be inconvenienced. This all works out to my benefit of meeting up with him. Part of me wants to throw caution to the wind and just go for it. Another part remembers the disappointment of Fresno. I don’t want another one of those. It’s a few months away so we’ll see how I feel then.

Anyways, enough of my rant… It’s late and I am getting sleepy. I know there was more that I wanted to share but my eyes are crossing… A good sign it’s time for bed.

Discouragement + Emotional = :-(

As I drove into work this morning I noticed I had a pretty vacant expression on my face, a stark contrast from the usual grin ear-to-ear as I contemplate the most recent amusing moment. My day hasn't helped. I'm moody. Ready to cry, scream, whatever. Discouraged + emotional = sad.

This was written Friday... quite a change from today... But I'm still posting it.

sadist/masochist

I'm not saying I'm either. I just watched the film "Secretary" by Computer Geeks recommendation. I'm intrigued by this relationship-style. I can't say I know why Computer Geek recommended it, whether he's opening up about the kind of lifestyle he's into or if he just thought it was a good flick, which it was.

I'm a little hesitant to be honest in my post. Only because google has outdone themselves! A while back I gave him (Computer Geek) two lines to this blog so he can attempt to find it and if you pasted it into google search it could not locate the blog. Sadly I attempted this on Friday after my last post and poof * "Clandestine" becomes no longer clandestine! I have no idea if he's figured this out and it makes me nervous to be honest about his lifestyle only because some of the secrecy is out if he and another person know about this blog and have yet to share with me. I respect his privacy. I respect him.

So back to this movie. Is it a clear representation of what a dominant/submissive relationship is like? It seemed romantic. And with my very little understanding of sadist/masochist relationships I never could comprehend the draw. Unless this movie is a valid representation of it then I can see how people are drawn to it.

Anyways, just a quick entry on a subject I didn't feel comfortable posting to my normal blog.

Men...

It's that time again. Another post about the confusing men in my life. This sounds horrible but Computer Geek is getting laid and I'm jealous! Though I'm not into the kinky stuff he's into it still sucks just knowing he's out there getting laid and I haven't had sex or any form of physical affection in ages! heh Computer Geek and I have come to an understanding of what type of relationship we have. We both enjoy flirting but know it would never go any further. It's been A LOT of fun. I was concerned when he told me his "friend" was coming out to stay with him for a month. I thought it might change the way he treats me since I'm pretty sure this is his future girlfriend. I'm happy to say that is not the case!

Geek Photographer - Well I was right in thinking my feelings would change. He pushed me to a point that I thought about dropping him altogether. I read how I felt about him and I miss those feelings. I lost the ability to feel safe to be myself with him. He started teasing me... A LOT! Since I started to care about him, it impacted me more then it probably should have. I became angry and frustrated, which then in turn stopped me from being myself. For a good week or two I really just wanted to drop him but still couldn't walk away from the friendship. Finally I broke down and confronted him in an email. His response was short and didn't really have any bearing on how I felt but I think just getting it off my chest really helped aleviate the need to make sure he was ok with me. Since then things are back to normal. I finally got my head out of my ass and decided that if he didn't like me for who I am he wasn't worth having in my life. Oddly I know he likes me (friend or otherwise) and the teasing is his way of "chasing the girls around the playground" as Computer Geek puts it. And it makes a lot of sense.

Burbank - I broke down and called him a couple weekends ago and we had an absolutely fantastic conversation! And the following week he called me just to say hello! So things are good. I know he's stressed about his lack of job and it makes him a pretty depressing person to talk with. But when I called him he was surprisingly honest about where he's at emotionally. And it helped me have more grace for his situation.

Older Guy - Offered to let me stay at his place while he was back East visiting his family and then accidentally locked me out of the house. It was quite entertaining. But he felt horrible. He cleaned out the spare room for me and everything. He wants me to help him with his new business venture. I've told him I'd be glad to help out on the weekends I'm free. He's turning out to be a good friend. I no longer have the physical attraction I did early on in our friendship. And it's been a good year since we've been friends. It's kind of cool.

Washington - He and I had a bit of a unique text conversation a little over a week ago. We've always done the sexual inuendos but this was full on sex texting. I feel a bit awkward about it now only because it's obvious this wasn't the first time he thought about doing stuff with me. hehe I should have known. It's opened a new avenue to our relationship. I know we're both curious about what it's going to be like to meet up in person, especially after this.

Well I'm off

Slightly Surprised

So someone has taken me by surprise. I am not sure what to think about these feelings. He was a new employee where I work. He only worked with us for 3 months. Wednesday was his last day. And I'm actually kind of sad and these are the feelings in which I'm surprised by.

He started out a guy I enjoyed talking to about photography. Computer Geek kept teasing me about him. Telling me this guy has a crush on me and that I should go for him. I thought he was just being silly. So what is a good nickname for him? Geek Photographer probably suits him best.
Geek Photographer - He has wormed his way into my affections and I'm not sure how. I've analyzed this a lot (as I do most things) and can only come up with the conclusion that I enjoy how he makes me feel. Something in his personality. The way that I can be truly myself around him and still feel he wants to get to know me more. He's genuinely a happy upbeat guy and I haven't met too many men like that. His attitude is contagious. I no longer worry about others around me when I'm with him. I just enjoy his friendship. Or is it more then that? He has a long distance relationship and I find myself jealous. That's just odd. I'm still trying to narrow down the true feelings.

He's moved near the beach and we talk in absolutes that we'll hang out and take pictures again. We went on a photography trip the week before he left and I think the easyness of the day, the fact that we didn't run out of interesting things to talk about, has left me longing for more. Is this just a great friendship and I don't know the difference? We've chatted every day since and he seems genuinely interested in keeping the friendship going.

I feel so silly. Like in two months I'll realize how foolish this post sounds. He's 5 years younger then me! What's with the young ones? Another one whom I'm not sure if I've EVER mentioned, whom I'll call Fresno is another tale to tell.

Fresno - (Don't mix him up with Northern Cali, two different guys) Another young one with a 5 year age difference. I met Fresno through work when I first started. I started in the fall two years ago and he quit a month after I started. Not giving us a lot of time to form a friendship but somehow we did. Probably because it didn't matter his age he was definitely eye-candy. We emailed randomly now and then. He made efforts to visit me when he was down in the area. Well a couple of weeks ago he mentioned he would be down in So Cal and asked me to hang out with him. It was quite a drive so he offered to have me stay at his hotel room and drive to work the next morning giving us more time to hang out. I wasn't sure what to think. In my head I felt there was no chance for anything more then friendship just because I couldn't imagine him being interested in me physically.

Lets spare the details and say that the evening was a lot of fun and when it came time to go to bed, neither of us could sleep. Before I realized it things got physical, but only for his benefit. In the end he got off and I was left wondering what the fuck just happened. We talked it through yet I still felt completely and utterly used and not so much pissed off as frustrated.

I've analyzed that entire evening to death. Was he really just that big of an asshole? Does his culture make him feel it's ok to use women like that? Was he inexperienced? Or as someone put, was I his play thing and he got what he wanted? I gave up trying to figure it out. We've emailed once since the incident. That isn't saying much, we never emailed on a consistent basis. The friendship has changed but I'm sure it'll go back to normal in time.

Computer Geek - He's still my main crush. I adore him. As much as I fantasize about him, I doubt anything would ever come of it. We have lots of fun teasing and playing with each other. He's also a good friend. Like I said in the beginning of this post, he thinks Geek Photographer has a thing for me. He also knows about Fresno as of this afternoon. Even though I think he suspected something happened between Fresno and me, I think he was quite surprised when I shared what took place. Maybe had a little bit of a different view of me. Which I'm not sure is such a good thing. He knows I'm a freak but I think he also sees me as innocent, which I pretty much am. But the incident with Fresno puts a little crimp in my angelic behavior... I went hoping for something to happen, it did and it was a major dissapointment. Computer Geek knows when it comes to what I threaten to do to him, it's all talk if it actually came down to it. Though out of all of them I think I'd have the most fun with him... There's friendship and I believe sexual attraction, great combination for sex.

Fresno was more like an aquaintence with sexual attraction. Not a good combo. Geek Photographer isn't much with the sexual attraction but there is a connection that would make for a fun time.

Washington - He's a sweetie! We both feel a connection and have a mutual attraction but we're both just not worried about what that means. That might change when we actually meet face-to-face for the first time. He has my call back tone set to "Barbie Girl" by Aqua... I wasn't sure if I should take offense, like I'm a ditzy blond or something but he assures me its all good. hehe

Older Guy - Just had a jump start to doing his business full time for a while. He got let go from his job so now he can focus 100%. We haven't been able to hang out that much. But we're still cool. The crush on my end has definitely died down.

Northern Cali - Not to be confused with Fresno is definitely a great friend. I was surprised at how much he's leaned on my friendship in the last few months to help him deal with some of the stress and frustrations going on in his life. I was surprised to find out I was one of the only friends he confided in, but was pleasantly surprised.

Vegas - Did I ever mention him? Wow... This is a crazy story. I went to a concert in Vegas and this cute guy behind me asked for the pictures I was taking. I gave him my number and honestly believed that to be the only reason he wanted my number. My friends knew otherwise. This happened a few years back. He's hot! Like fuckable hot! Turns out he really liked me, for the longest time he made comments about wanting to be with me. He and I have yet to see eachother since the concert but have spent time on webcam chats, I'm sure you know where that led. We've text quite a bit... Took a moment to send him a text. It's been a while since we've talked. I know if I meet up with him it'll mean sex. Or at least a great makeout session depending on the circumstances of our visit.

Burbank - He and I had a falling out so to speak. I have pretty much written him off as a friend. Lately I've been feeling the need to contact him but not enough to actually go through with it. I'm tired of his crap and how he treats me. He's a miserable human being and tends to make everyone around him more miserable. Ok so I'm not ready to make an effort to be his friend. I still need time.

Touchy Feely - Well after he got the hint I stopped caring to make an effort to be his friend. He was full of drama. He was sometimes worse then a girl. Always making comments about how I'd never date him but he could see himself with me, etc. It got old after a while.

Colorado - Still great friends. He is officially getting married the same day my ex is. We don't chat nearly as much but I still value him as a friend and as someone who taught me a lot about myself.

Summary - Boy there have been a lot of men lately. I'm curious as to what the future holds. I still think Computer Geek will leave a lasting impact. Geek Photographer hasn't been a big part of my life just yet. I think he has the potential but it could really go either way. Well I think this post has given me some perspective on the men in my life. It'll be interesting to see where it all ends up.