You Say - Lauren Daigle

I keep fighting voices in my mind that say I'm not enough...
Every single lie that tells me I will never measure up...

Right now this song is exactly what my heart needs. I'm struggling... I've just put on the full armor of God and am fighting my negative thoughts. I think it's lack of sleep and my new medication causing exhaustion and moodiness. But either way I'm not going to stay in this state. I'm choosing my thoughts, taking them captive and fighting with the truth of the Word. 

You Say by Lauren Daigle

I keep fighting voices in my mind that say I'm not enough

Every single lie that tells me I will never measure up
Am I more than just the sum of every high and every low
Remind me once again just who I am because I need to know
Ooh oh

You say I am loved when I can't feel a thing
You say I am strong when I think I am weak
And you say I am held when I am falling short
And when I don't belong, oh You say I am Yours
And I believe (I)
Oh I believe (I)
What You say of me (I)
I believe

The only thing that matters now is everything You think of me
In You I find my worth, in You I find my identity
Ooh oh

You say I am loved when I can't feel a thing
You say I am strong when I think I am weak
And you say I am held when I am falling short
And when I don't belong, oh You say I am Yours
And I believe (I)
Oh, I believe (I)
What You say of me (I)
Oh, I believe

Taking all I have and now I'm laying it at Your feet
You have every failure, God, You have every victory
Ooh oh

You say I am loved when I can't feel a thing
You say I am strong when I think I am weak
You say I am held when I am falling short
When I don't belong, oh You say I am Yours
And I believe (I)
Oh, I believe (I)
What You say of me (I)
I believe

Oh, I believe (I)
Yes I believe (I)
What You say of me (I)
I believe

https://youtu.be/sIaT8Jl2zpI

This place is suffocating

Yesterday I felt rejuvenated, like I could deal with the world. I was down at the Admin building for my work. The place I started my journey for the place I work for.

Today... I feel stifled. I feel depressed and lonely and uninspired and unimportant. I rebuked the enemy in my office. I'm just down.

I haven't listened to christian music today like I normally do. But there is just something about this place. This office space. Maybe it's the negativity before everyone shifted locations. But I just get the overwhelming sense of discouragement when I'm here.

Retraining my brain

So I've been doing something different. Every time Obsession pops into my brain I ask God to forgive me and force myself to think about something else. So that's all I have to say about that. lol Though Colorado popped into my brain and I happened to look for him on Facebook. He shaved his beard. Looks 10 years younger. He looks happy and I'm happy for that. But moving on...

My Stinker Creature is starting Kindergarten tomorrow!!! It's such an amazing thing to watch him grow. I am curious to what he's going to be like when he gets older and the other side doesn't want him to grow up at all! He's so handsome though. I pray we raise him up right.

Husband Creature and I have been doing well. He has been busy fixing my car. Any upgrade he can give me he tries to do. It's kind of cute and really sweet.

I'm doing my best to focus on the good things right now. No more negativity. The last month has drained me mentally, emotionally and physically. My foot is in excruciating pain for the last week, it started last Tuesday. I can barely walk. But I am determined to go to the gym after work. I need the release of endorphins right now more then ever.

My dad is doing amazing. He's truly a walking miracle. Today is exactly a month from his heart attack and he's back to almost 90% of where he was! The only issue now is his stamina. But that's expected to take some time. But seriously, to be at the point of being on the gurney and the Dr almost "calling it" to where he is today is a true testament of God's miraculous healing!

I don't know that I will ever be able to recall that memory without tearing up of being in the ER watching them perform CPR on my dad and making eye contact with the Dr as his assistant asked if he should "call it" and the Dr looking at me and deciding to "try one more time" and the look I got from the Dr when he felt it was the best they could do to get him into emergency surgery. The look of "well that's the best we got". Even now, my throat is closing and my eyes are watering... Yep... tears... That's a tough memory to think about. But man... what a miracle to have witnessed!

I did a thing...

Things shift so much these days it's hard to know how I feel about Obsession anymore. Some days I'm sad things have changed so much, other days it feels like I still matter to him, and other days I just don't care. Lately I have cared less than usual.

I saw him last week at a work event, I was super excited knowing I would be seeing him and in the end that day was a horrible let down. When I look back, it wasn't as bad as I thought but the year prior had been such a cool experience I thought this year would have been similar. I think the year prior was such a cool experience because we were just getting to know each other. I didn't think he'd stick around me as much as he did. This year he was distracted by a coworker in his unit. She seems to have taken my place. And part of me wonders if there is more there even if she prefers the same sex. They were always sitting together, whispering to each other. 

Either way, the day ended with me feeling pretty low. But looking back there were a couple of cute moments. I was helping the registration line and was the person in charge of his line. He teased and said I was in his knowing I'd be helping him. I basically laughed it off saying oh yeah I selected these letters just so I could see you. Which deep down inside was exactly the case. lol I did get a group photo of us together with a bunch of other people which is what I wanted. He came up behind me and put his hand on my shoulder and asked a question about what I was doing. We had to fill out 5 names of people that were our heroes, I went straight up to his group and started with him. Told him how he is with his kids makes him a hero. He took his out of his pocket and said I was his hero because every day I am at the office makes the day brighter and I was like "awww" and he said no seriously... My day is brighter when you're there. We ended up doing a breakout session together with another group. We painted, he's always been complimentary of my painting but he didn't seem to even want to see my painting that day.

I bring that up only because the next day I stopped by his office to drop off some leftover stuff from the event and he asked me about it specifically because he thought I was a good painter and he couldn't recall what mine looked like. That same time I had my hair up in a ponytail because I was unloading boxes and sweating. I was a little worried about going in to see Obsession looking like a wreck but oddly I got a lot of compliments. I was wearing an item I had bought at the work event. A scrunchy with ties. He said I looked like I belonged in a sock hop. He and I chatted a little bit but he didn't seem interested in keeping the conversation going.

My Husband Creature asked if "My Distraction" was at the event after the fact. I forgot he may have been curious if I was going to see him. I see Obsession so randomly I kind of forgot I may need to keep my Husband Creature informed after everything. But I do see and interact with Obsession enough not to feel like I should share each time. It was kind of sad that he needed to verify that "My Distraction" wasn't there the whole time. Especially since I had long days. I wonder if he thought he had volunteered as well. But I clarified that he was only there for one of the two days.

Sunday I went to get out and color. Obsession always pops into my head when I do that, only because of the many conversations we've had about him wanting to get away and journal like that. Also because I've always been tempted to invite him to meet me for coffee. Either way, I couldn't shake the thought that really ultimately I'm there to be an example of Christ. That being me, means I represent a faint reflection of who God is. So, I sent Obsession a text, asking if there was anything he needed prayer for. His response was super fast, "Where do I begin, just kidding. Not really. Thx".

I saw him Tuesday, unexpectedly, sorta. There was a meeting at my location. Obsession sent confirmation he was going but then went to tentative. It looked like he wasn't going to make it. So much so that I wasn't too focused on trying to see if he was there when people started arriving. I was heading down the hall looking down at my phone and I noticed someone looking at me. It was Obsession! He said "Howdy Stranger!" and gave me a hug. We talked about how different my office looks because a bunch of changes that have been happening. I had to sit in the meeting with him. He was in my direct line of sight. It was hard not to get "distracted". And once I happened to look up and saw him looking at me. I ended up having to leave before the meeting was over so I made sure to say goodbye.

And finally to what the title of this post is about... I did a thing... I baked cookies. It's hard not to think of giving Obsession my cookies since he loves them so much and yes I know how horrible and how much of an innuendo that sounds like. We've joked about it. So... I interoffice mailed him some. They may either arrive today at 4pm or tomorrow. I was hoping today but it looks like it's most likely tomorrow. Oh wells. They should hopefully be ok. lol

Oddly I've been in contact with Ex on Twitter. He randomly messages me here and there and this last time we responded more than 4 times each. We left things on goodish terms. We had been emailing here and there but the first time I met his wife.... crickets. I'm guessing either she was threatened by me and asked him to stop communicating with me. Not sure. Either way, we rarely chat but it seems to be happening a bit more often.

I reached out to Latin Lover yesterday. Just wondering how he and his wife are doing. They officially called it quits. Poor guy. Has no idea what love really is, yet he thinks he's addicted to the feeling. Which I guess could be true... Because the feeling doesn't last. It's a decision. And I'm grateful that I know what that means.

Things with Husband Creature are doing well. The weeks following my dads heart attack took it's toll because I wasn't around and he had to pick up the slack. But we're good now that things are settling down into a regular rhythm again.

*Update 8/2/19*
Blah, not even a thank you! fucker... I got a buttload of guilt from the girl in his unit. She seemed genuinely annoyed. His lack of thank you makes me think she really was complaining enough to make him feel guilty for enjoying it. She did send a photo of him holding the container of cookies. She said he loves them and they taste like they just came out of the oven. And nothing, not a peep from him. *sigh* I partially want to reach out and be like sheesh not even a thank you? But if he thanks me then it won't feel genuine. And lets be honest, nothing received doesn't bode well. ...

...

So I couldn't help myself. I called him. He said don't hate him but he's getting heat from his wife about the group chats we've been in. But he could have called or emailed. He said he felt rude not joining in to the chat. But again, there are other forms of communication. So I'm still rather annoyed. He did thank me, before I told him why I called. And shared how great they tasted since they were warm during transport. But again... Guess I need to keep my distance for a bit. I'm too wrapped up in his responses or lack thereof.