As I drove home with my brother back up the treacherous drive known as "the hill" I found myself pondering a lot of things. His and my favorite pastime together is listening to music while taking a long drive. This evening though he was particularly annoying with his constant change in musical desires. He has a new iPod which I think leaves him with too many options. hehe
During one of the rare stretches of solid music, I was thinking about his new long distance relationship. He is flying her out for the 4th of July. This of course is *TOP SECRET* in the family because he absolutely HATES questions. He is 33 years old and it's not like he's doing something wrong, it's just that he doesn't want to be hassled about how the relationship is going. In all this secrecy I am really thrilled that he's pursuing this woman so much. He must really like her to fly her out, and must be extremely scared that this could work out for him to put so much effort into keeping it a secret. He would detest our sympathy if it didn't work out.
So as I pondered how serious this relationship must be going I was happy for him. Thinking to myself how I'm thankful he will be able to marry before me. In my last relationship I was afraid to be proposed to because me being the only other single sibling, as well as being the baby of the family, might make him feel discouraged. But now that won't be the case, number 1 he's in a seemingly serious long distance relationship, number 2 I am no longer dating the man I thought would propose.
Then I was left with my thoughts about that man. Of how it will be when/if he moves to Wisconsin. Knowing that he is still my companion in every aspect without (well… with rare exceptions) physical intimacy. How hard will it be to let him go? I can talk to him on the phone all day long; there is a difference face to face. I started to cry thinking about how hard it will be when he's gone. Right now we take advantage of seeing each other every day, talking multiple times on the phone aside from that, and hanging out on the weekends. I knew then that our friendship would be changed and may even end when/if he moves. I put an '/if' but it is basically confirmed he will be moving, it's just a matter of when. The '/if' is there for the random act of God that could change the direction of the course of our lives, which I believe has already happened with the likelihood of my ex moving across the country.
My life will forever be changed.
I tried then to imagine someone new coming into my life and I couldn’t. I was overwhelmed with grief in knowing he would not be apart of my life forever. I realize I can't share these feelings with him. How selfish would that be? Here he is leaving his entire family, and his lifelong friends, and people that mean everything to him and I'm going to let him know how horrible I will feel about losing him? No, not when the stress of making the actual decision is his biggest battle. I must be selfless and strong. Holding myself up and making sure he knows that I feel this is the best thing for him. In all honesty it is. His life would be easier. He would probably feel more accomplished living in a place that will pay him what he's worth and the cost of living is half of what it is here. He could pay off his debt, own a home, meet someone and settle down.
I have felt in denial of what it would mean to our friendship when he first approached me with his job offer. I was the first person he consulted. I immediately felt good about the opportunity for him. It has been just recently that I've realized what it means to our friendship. It could be that we will always be friends. Regularly calling each other and staying close. But there is a harsh reality slapping me in the face. It is also very possible that we could lose touch. The thought devastates me but I cannot let it overwhelm me. If I do, I could actually cause it to happen. I know if I were to share this with him right now he would get frustrated saying to me that I had no IDEA what will happen when he moves and to not immediately jump to conclusions of how he will be when he’s across the country, after all it’s not like he’s dying or anything.
I will try to focus on the positive and have faith that our friendship can last through eternity; that him moving will not affect how close we are, in fact that it could draw us closer because he will need someone.
Well I am feeling exhausted. I have shared my heart though I know there are pieces missing to my thought processes, I must go to bed.
Goodnight
Saturday, June 18, 2005
Monday, June 06, 2005
I'm in a really foul mood...
So it's been almost a month and a half and I've been wanting to sit down and write all these things in between ... but no... I pick a day when I'm in a foul mood to force myself to vent about it.
To start off, I slipped up... I slept with my ex last weekend. I had no intention of doing so when I was hanging out at his place with a bunch of our friends. I normally walk out with everyone. But for some reason he lagged behind and went to the bathroom. I decided to wait since I had to go and then I'd leave. Well when he came out of the bathroom he jumped on me and started kissing me. Of course this has been something I've wanted but never had the guts to attempt. So of course I'm kissing him back and as soon as it was over with I feel fine. No guilt, no remorse, nothing. :(
That weekend he spent with his relatives and called me sunday and we talked about it. He of course was guilt ridden with remorse and still I had no regrets... But of course this is because I still love him. I told him if it was "just sex" for him that was fine. He still can't give me an answer... A week later and he can't tell me whether it's because he has feelings for me or he just used me. In my mind one is worse then the other, in his mind they are equally horrible for him to come to grips with. Because if he still has feelings for me then it means that he isn't where he thought he was. If he just used me for sex then he's just like every other guy out there and he would feel like shit...
Wednesday I was sick and spent the day at his place since it's closer to our work. I really faught a lot of feelings for him that day. Being at his house, sleeping in his bed, I battled a lot of things. I finally came to the conclusion that I still wanted him. I was actually wanting him to come home early from work and we'd have another round in the sheets... :-\ This was not a very comforting thought for me. I was angry with myself for falling back in this situation.
Worst of all I have been doing so well with my walk with God, if you can believe it or not... Since my dream/vision in my prior post God has done amazing things in my life. I felt like it was a test I didn't pass. I always wondered if my ex ever had the guts to come after me physically if I'd have enough self respect to say no... :( I didn't. I failed. I was/am dissapointed in myself.
When he did come home from work that night I was at the peak of my frustration. I didn't take anything out on him. I just calmly talked to him about all my thoughts, and frustrations, and battles within myself. I was more honest then most of the time... It was a very good talk. I was sad because it just confirmed that he does not want to get back together. I left feeling better in the fact that I knew what I had to do. But what was frustrating is that I didn't know how to move on. I didn't know how to let go. He has been so good with shutting down his feelings for me. He hasn't shared his struggles. And yet I'm constantly wanting to share where I'm at and how I feel. I knew I needed to stop.
Since that day, I no longer hold onto being physical with my ex. Or even getting back together. I was feeling good again. So last night when I asked how he was feeling about where we were at he went off again about how dissapointed he was in himself and regretted doing anything etc. I got frustrated because I see it as just that: a mistake, something we've learned from and we can move on and realize that there is no reason to continue in that direction. And that where we were at that moment was moving forward... But he is still struggling with things and now the realization that he could have just used me makes me feel much worse. In a way though it solidifies my stand on not caving if he tries to be physical with me again.
Since the start of this entry my mood has subsided quite a bit. My guess is just getting this off my chest is a relief. Well I need to get focused on work. Hopefully it won't be another month and another foul mood before I write again.
To start off, I slipped up... I slept with my ex last weekend. I had no intention of doing so when I was hanging out at his place with a bunch of our friends. I normally walk out with everyone. But for some reason he lagged behind and went to the bathroom. I decided to wait since I had to go and then I'd leave. Well when he came out of the bathroom he jumped on me and started kissing me. Of course this has been something I've wanted but never had the guts to attempt. So of course I'm kissing him back and as soon as it was over with I feel fine. No guilt, no remorse, nothing. :(
That weekend he spent with his relatives and called me sunday and we talked about it. He of course was guilt ridden with remorse and still I had no regrets... But of course this is because I still love him. I told him if it was "just sex" for him that was fine. He still can't give me an answer... A week later and he can't tell me whether it's because he has feelings for me or he just used me. In my mind one is worse then the other, in his mind they are equally horrible for him to come to grips with. Because if he still has feelings for me then it means that he isn't where he thought he was. If he just used me for sex then he's just like every other guy out there and he would feel like shit...
Wednesday I was sick and spent the day at his place since it's closer to our work. I really faught a lot of feelings for him that day. Being at his house, sleeping in his bed, I battled a lot of things. I finally came to the conclusion that I still wanted him. I was actually wanting him to come home early from work and we'd have another round in the sheets... :-\ This was not a very comforting thought for me. I was angry with myself for falling back in this situation.
Worst of all I have been doing so well with my walk with God, if you can believe it or not... Since my dream/vision in my prior post God has done amazing things in my life. I felt like it was a test I didn't pass. I always wondered if my ex ever had the guts to come after me physically if I'd have enough self respect to say no... :( I didn't. I failed. I was/am dissapointed in myself.
When he did come home from work that night I was at the peak of my frustration. I didn't take anything out on him. I just calmly talked to him about all my thoughts, and frustrations, and battles within myself. I was more honest then most of the time... It was a very good talk. I was sad because it just confirmed that he does not want to get back together. I left feeling better in the fact that I knew what I had to do. But what was frustrating is that I didn't know how to move on. I didn't know how to let go. He has been so good with shutting down his feelings for me. He hasn't shared his struggles. And yet I'm constantly wanting to share where I'm at and how I feel. I knew I needed to stop.
Since that day, I no longer hold onto being physical with my ex. Or even getting back together. I was feeling good again. So last night when I asked how he was feeling about where we were at he went off again about how dissapointed he was in himself and regretted doing anything etc. I got frustrated because I see it as just that: a mistake, something we've learned from and we can move on and realize that there is no reason to continue in that direction. And that where we were at that moment was moving forward... But he is still struggling with things and now the realization that he could have just used me makes me feel much worse. In a way though it solidifies my stand on not caving if he tries to be physical with me again.
Since the start of this entry my mood has subsided quite a bit. My guess is just getting this off my chest is a relief. Well I need to get focused on work. Hopefully it won't be another month and another foul mood before I write again.
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