Colorado

Colorado still pops into my head a lot. Lately he's been updating his background photo and the last time I checked he updated his profile photo. I don't understand why I'm still so drawn to talking to him. I was tempted a couple of times to reach out but then I remember my promise to my Husband Creature. Which, things are going really well with him. 

The above was written 11/28/23 1:00pm

Still with Colorado... It's been hard not to start a chat but then I think of having to let my Husband Creature know I started talking to him again and stop myself. If Colorado were to reach out to me I could justify a message or two back but it could be dangerous. The desire to reach out doesn't make much sense. I know he's a firm believer in manifesting and sometimes when these strong urges happen I wonder if he's trying to manifest us communicating again. Then I think he probably doesn't even notice my absence. Right? What he thinks of me is none of my business. I forget that from time-to-time. lol 

The above was written 12/8/23 9:55am

So I haven't been emailing Obsession. I did scan him a little note yesterday but he hasn't responded to any of those notes so I should probably just stop. The last time I saw him he noticed it had been a while since we've talked, it was only 2 weeks, but he made sure to stand up and give me a hug. I confirmed my time to be at my local office on Friday's is coming to an end. I think yesterday it hit me harder because I was on the interview panel and know who they chose and since it's an internal candidate it will be sooner than later. 

I just don't have the time I used to have ... 

Lordy the above was written 12/15/23 10:42am maybe today I can finally get through this post. 

So... it seems like Colorado keeps updating his cover photo every week. Maybe he's doing a photo challenge. But I am still struggling not saying hello. Especially since an ex-coworker now uses Google Chat to keep in touch with me and I see Colorado's chat history below hers. I should remove the temptation huh? 

Obsession and I have had a few interesting interactions. One being last Friday. I had a busy and rough week. When I came in there was no guilt in just sitting down and talking with him for 2 hours. He switched shifts with someone so he was there early too. So we sat, we talked, we laughed. Like the old days when he worked at my current office and we didn't have many interruptions. We talked about a lot of random stuff. We did end up talking about his wife. How he's concerned once the kids leave the house if they'll have anything left in common. I encouraged him to fight to find that common ground now while the kids were still there. He is really into wine. He says his wife is too but seems to make faces when she drinks it. lol He seemed eager to find a drink that I'd like. He found out about mine and my Husband Creatures "Intimate Mondays" and seemed envious, not in an inappropriate way but more wishing he and his wife had something like that. She seems to get frisky in the middle of the night when he's not feeling *up* to the task. He gets a little vindictive it seems. Going out of his way to avoid his wife and not include her when lets say he goes to the jacuzzi with some wine. His example is he will go get his swim trunks on, fill a large glass of wine, grab a towel and she asks what he's doing he says he's going out to the jacuzzi. He won't invite her. So she showed up 45 minutes later asking if she can join and he's like nope, I'm getting ready to get out. Seems a bit harsh. But I encouraged him to really seek out what she's interested in, he mentioned he should take her to dinner and have a real conversation about what she wants and what her genuine interests are. He doesn't know if she even knows. We had a great conversation. Then... others showed up and I had to get some work done so I left and we didn't get much time after that. 

The only other thing that did take place on Friday is my work had a photo booth set up and I had asked Obsession and another guy to take photos with me. At the time the other guy agreed whole heartedly. Obsession joked that he didn't want him to steal the spotlight in my photo with Obsession. And when it came to take the photo there was an odd interaction between Obsession and him and he said based on a conversation with Obsession he was not going to be joining us per Obsessions request. I thought he was joking but Obsession didn't object. So I just let it go... And Obsession and I walked over to the photo booth. I noted the conversation being somewhat awkward but it reminded me of the time we walked over to the same office for some coffee and Obsession seemed genuinely worried I was too cold in my sandals at work and making sure to walk between me and the outside world. Back to the photo booth, apparently I get a little cardboard frame to go with the photo when they get it printed. Standing for the photo, his arm was around me, his hand was in that awkward spot just at my bra strap and back above my bra where my back fat sticks out... lol But as much as it was embarrassing it felt oddly intimate from previous photos we've taken where we stand just side by side and he barely touches me. This time I felt closeness like he was actually holding me. He even mentioned something in passing how he actually held me for the photo. I can't recall the exact wording. I also asked Obsession for a selfie. Both photos he looks freakin great. And I look ... meh... I was disappointed in the full length photo from the photo booth because I still look quite heavy, especially next to him... even with all the weight loss. Though he is taller. But all-in-all it was a nice day. 

That night I sent him our selfie and thanked him for the nice time chatting. And that I could tell he made efforts to chat with me even when it was busy. I told him Merry Christmas and asked if he had a chance to talk to his wife at dinner that night about her hopes and dreams after the kids leave... 

Saturday on the other hand I had a lot of face palm moments. Moments I regret. Moments I'm just not sure how to feel about.

I guess Obsession responded to my email the night before within 30 minutes after arriving to work so that's not too bad. But he didn't touch on anything about his wife or their chat or our selfie, just said. 

Merry Xmas to you and fam. It was fun today, unfortunately this position doesn’t allow me to sit an relax much with everything going on, but yesterday was fun.

I had already had it in my mind to drop off some cookies but was just trying to figure out how to make that work without causing any issues with Husband Creature. ... Yeah I know... A clear sign I should have not done it. But... I did it anyway... And had to ignore a call from Husband Creature so he wouldn't ask where I was going because I should have been home getting ready for our Christmas event that night. Then once I got there I didn't have time to bring it in, so I was going to hang it off Obsession's side mirror but the bag didn't fit over the mirror so I had to set it on top of his truck and I know how men get about putting things on their cars/trucks... So I ran home... And emailed him a photo so he could know to go out to his truck. Then I got nervous he wasn't getting his email because of where he was at work. So I called... Spoke to the other guy, the one that was supposed to take a photo with me and Obsession but didn't want to steal the spotlight from Obsession. It was clear that when he found out it was me, I could tell he physically turned to Obsession who was apparently in the office and made it obvious who he was talking to... He was about to hand over the phone to Obsession when I said I didn't need to talk to Obsession but needed him to tell Obsession to check his email and I promptly got off the phone not knowing if Obsession had already checked his email and knew about the bag and/or I looked like a fool.... I felt so dumb.... My email was a photo of the bag on his truck, explaining I didn't know where to put it. Then the entire evening went by without a word... And I felt dumb. I felt foolish. I was ashamed. I finally got a response at 9pm...  

THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!

This was good surprise because I had to order myself over and work until 4am tonight. So I’ll be eating these cookies all night. AND they were cold…perfect. Lol

Thanks again, Oh….and *the other guy* thanks you too

I responded explaining more why I didn't have time to bring them in, and why I felt the need to call, lamented that he had to work OT, glad I was able to help and where I had just come home from and I got a one line item response and I dislike it when people say Christmas with an X (Xmas!)... blah lol 

So... Tuesday I get a snap from a friend at work showing me screenshots of photos from the recent work Christmas events and she sends me the photo of her monitor with the photo of me and Obsession from the photo booth. Wednesday I get an email from another coworker to both me and Obsession saying she loves the photo of us from the photo booth. I told her I made him join me. He said 

LOL…

She did coerce me with cookies! Mmmmmmmmmmmm….

And I desperately wanted to add ... You mean more like I rewarded you with cookies because those came afterwards and you weren't aware of them? lol but I kept my mouth shut... And now I'm trying to decide if I send him an email about being gone for New Years or just let it be... 

Spiraling is exhausting

It started with an overshare that I tried to clarify and got some genuine feedback that kicked my obsession into overdrive and my spiraling went a tad out of control. lol 

Basically I told him that I think it's odd that he resides in my head so much... Probably more than he should. And not that I'm thinking of him inappropriately (at least not as much as in the beginning of our friendship). I shared that I'm surprised and unsure how to feel about it. And part of me wondered if it was a one-sided friendship and how I felt it wasn't because I felt like he was a kindred spirit. That because of our friendship and my attraction to him I will always give him preferential treatment. And though I don't assume his view of our friendship equals mine, I did hope he valued our friendship and if I was honest part of me wanted to confirm he did. 

You really know how to express your feelings, I don’t think I am as good at that as you.

But what I will say, is that I do value our friendship and enjoy our talks so please don’t doubt that. Your company always brightens things up around here. I like the fact that you hold nothing back so just know that I appreciate you!

I think I've reread and analyzed it so much, it's memorized (Not that it's a lengthy response lol). It's the first time he's even remotely been straight forward in responding to my hope for validation... I'm not sure if that's the right word. I was pretty real with him. Normally when I overshare I get a cryptic response that I have to try to decipher but not this time. There is nothing I could potentially take wrong either which makes me really happy. Of course, now that I share it, it doesn't sound like much. But for me... I'm happy. I told him I really appreciated his response and that it meant a lot to me. 

Now to see how we interact the next time we see each other which should be tomorrow. ... 

  

Vibes

 So Wednesday of last week I received a nice email. 

Hey you,

I know it’s late, but happy birthday. ...

Forgive me if I’ve seemed distracted while I’m (removed). My mind is in a million places when I’m (removed). Everything is so disrupting, it’s hard to concentrate. Things are just different here compared to my (previous location).

... Looking forward to Friday, I’ll try to stop and take a breather then.

Yes, save your stories for Friday, things are much better in person, looking forward to it

Obession

So it's sweet that he would rather talk in person. But did it happen? Probably not as easily as it did in the past. 

The above was written 9/28/23 

This morning, there was a moment... One that flustered me a bit. Nothing crazy. Just a look. It caused me to fumble my words though. I could tell he was looking at me with a level of attraction. He's always complimented me on my moto jacket. He noticed I got my hair done. Which was surprising. He said he's trying to be more observant. lol But it was something more. He was trying to figure out what he was noticing. Even Friday we didn't get a chance to talk too much and he emailed me! Normally he just replies but this time he started an email to me. It was like two lines but still... He apologized for not getting to talk much that day. Today we were talking and then someone came in saying they needed to speak to him privately. I think she's getting annoyed that I'm in there. 

Then a girl at work said she noticed I looked extra cute today... With a wink. I think she was attributing it to a certain person seeing me today. Well Fridays we wear jeans and tshirts and I never feel very cute. Today I feel cute. :) 

Another shift

Things just feel awkward lately. I go through cycles... Like I'm over-reacting and everything is fine, then I get pissy that Obsession doesn't seem to give a crap about me. That if I dropped off the face of the earth he might notice the lack of cookies... eventually. Fucker... The last few times I've seen him he's been "meh"... I can't decide if that's because he's miserable at this assignment or if he's just meh about seeing me. The last time I actually talked to him he said it was nice to see me. Which felt good. But then no birthday message. Even when I emailed him about seeing him Wednesday but never getting to talk to him. He responded but didn't even say anything or ask me anything. Then, he did tell me happy early birthday. So maybe I'm just annoyed. 

Husband Creature asked me today a question that made me wonder if he still wonders about my relationship with Obsession. A guy from my new unit suggested I watch Rebels because he says I won't understand references in Ahsoka. I finally agreed to try and my Husband Creature has tried to get me to watch it and I haven't. Now I felt it necessary because I'm a little lost on some of the stuff talked about on Ahsoka. Well today Husband Creature asked me who was the person who suggested I watch it. I told him the guys' name and he asked if he worked up in the local office or down where I work now. I told him down where I work now. He knows Obsession works at the local office. So I wondered if he was trying to find out if Obsession is the reason I decided to give it a try. That makes me sad. But I was glad that it wasn't him who suggested it. 

Anyways, I'm not feeling so hot. I feel like something stuck in my right ear. And now my right side of my face feels hot. Blah... 

The above was written 9/8/23 before 4:00pm. 

And of course things changed since the above was written... I didn't realize Obsession was working the overnight shift so he got there late Friday. I needed his signature on something so when I got it, he shared about his fishing trip and showed me pictures without me even asking him. Apparently as he's gotten older he gets seasick, so he was telling me about his experience with that and how miserable he was but that he got the most amazing sleep on the boat. But that was all we had time for. I had to rush off. So we'll see how it goes tomorrow if I see him again. 

"Clandestine WILL take that personally!"

So something happened with Obsession today that made me wonder how I should take it. I was in the main office with Obsession at the main desk and others sitting in the surrounding chairs, me being one of them. He was busy. Phone calls, people coming and going from his office. We had a few moments to chat but kept getting interrupted but I wasn't in any rush so I just waited it out. One of our coworkers came in and said "Obsession is just wishing EVERYONE would leave this office". I started to chuckle but then Obsession looked around someone blocking our eye contact and said "I am not thinking that Clandestine!" And he turned to the guy who said it and was like "Don't say that or Clandestine WILL take that personally!" He pointed to another girl in the office and was like "Go ahead and say something like that to her but not Clandestine!" I laughed but then was like, wait, how do I take that? That doesn't sound so good. lol Sounds like he knows I'm too sensitive! LOL But then I mentioned it to someone else and they were like it sounds like he gets you. *sigh* who knows... 

Interview

So I happened to see Obsession here for his interview. He looked good. I haven't seen him in a suit. I hate to admit I happened to find out when his interview was and tried to put myself in an area I might run into him. lol I was not disappointed. He smelled heavenly. His face was nicely shaved and when he hugged me I could have sworn he kissed my cheek. Or if he didn't he was going to, the way he tilted his head. I don't recall what was said. In that portion it felt very rushed and awkward. 

Mervyn's "Open... Open... Open..." Commercials

I was walking out of my old office space and there is a window to the hall. Obsession was just coming in for his shift when he saw me walking towards the door. He pressed himself up against the windows arms out like that old Mervyn's commercial "Open... Open... Open...". It was cute and definitely makes me smile every time I remember it. He opened the door for me and gave me a hug. 

Later that day however was another rough moment where I could tell he was frustrated about work. He didn't use his code phrase of "Holy Fuck" which was the established phrase if he's not doing well and doesn't have time to chat. (Unlike the first time he gave me the silent treatment, this time I didn't take it personal. And he didn't fully give me the silent treatment. I could just tell he was irritated. That one day, man... That was rough. He wouldn't even look at me and that's so unlike him). Anyways, back to the present... I had emailed him earlier in the week, I think Wednesday, in hopes that email would be the solution to our lack of time to chat when I come to his location on Friday's. He responded to that email on Friday after he seemed frustrated and said he was sorry about earlier that day and explained why he was frustrated and then responded to the rest of my email. And we had regular communication via email after that which has been a nice change.  

The above was written 6/23/23 at 11:51pm

Man... So much has changed... I suddenly feel distance and it's from my side! Like I'm not ok. Like the Holy Spirit is convicting me. Things I've said and done feel so foolish lately. I'm not sure what shifted. A couple things I think. 

# One: My Husband Creature asked if I see "My Distraction" now that I work down in a different office. I told him no, he was transferred. He asked to where. I told him and he was like oh, so when you work locally you see him? I said yes. He asked if there is an issue. I said no. 

Side Note: He also asked if I have heard from Colorado. I told him nope, and I haven't reached out either. Which I was genuinely proud of because I have been tempted to reach out to Colorado and have made a point to keep myself from doing that. 

# Two: I finally had the courage to ask Obsession if he told his wife we carpooled for that work event and he said no but wouldn't have had an issue letting her know it just never came up. I suddenly felt so stupid. Like I'm such a bad wife. It mostly occurred the same way but my Husband Creature called me during the drive and since I hadn't had the opportunity to share I didn't feel I could answer without causing a scene since I hadn't told him. Blah... 

There are a couple things coming up that I may or may not reach out to Obsession for. One is I found out they're doing interviews for a position I know he wants, part of me wants to let him know I'll be praying for him. The other part thinks I should ask after the fact. And my photo was used in a Training Manual for where we work and I wanted to ask if he's seen it, in a playful way of course. 

Pencil Scar: So I'm not sure what to name this guy other than Pencil Scar. I apparently gave him a scar in the 3rd grade which he still has. The reason I know this is, he added me on social media over the weekend and we started to catch up, I asked and he sent me a photo of it! lol I had gone back to where I grew up in my early 20's and ran into him at my old church. I asked if he remembered me and he showed me the scar as the reason he won't forget me. I was/am mortified that that's the way he remembers me! Giving him a scar! I was mad at him for something and stabbed him with a pencil! *SMH* Wow... But he's a good looking adult. Healthy and active. But it also looks like he may not have a wife anymore and he didn't offer up as to whether or not she was around and I didn't want to pry. My guess is divorce. 

It wasn't until Pencil Scar came around that I realize my whole personality is a bit obsessive. Depending on the day of the week. It used to be Colorado, then Obsession, this weekend a little on Pencil Scar... Now, here's the thing... I love my husband. I think he's handsome! I feel blessed to say he picked me! So what is my problem? What is my need or interest in obsessing over other people who don't give two shits about me? Why? What cliché am I needing to correct? The revelation has left me a tad confused but trying to get to the core of the issue. Doesn't change my obsessive behavior just yet. I'm trying...