Things with my recent ex have been uncomfortable. We work together so we have been trying to make the "just friends" thing work. Sadly ... I think it finally has started working. Just in the last couple weeks I've noticed we don't call eachother so much (still more then once-a-day), I feel more lonely because I know I can't depend on him so much. I try really hard not to anyways. I feel separated. The "just friends" thing may actually not be working... We may in fact lose touch alltogether. But I'd rather be on good terms then like it was with my first boyfriend.
Why though? Why is it that my sister found her true love at 22, my best friend found it at 23, and I am 27 and have yet to find it. I'm not old by any means. I'm just starting to realize how much I do want a family, to get married, to own a home, have a baby: these are things I'm really wanting right now. My mom says maybe God's preparing me. I say fine, but I shouldn't be desperate for it. I should be content where I'm at. Isn't that when love smacks you in the face? When you're not looking for it? I fear at this point if I did meet anyone of the opposite sex even close to my age and single I'd be measuring him up. That's not how it should be. And that's not how I normally am. And the second reason I don't believe that is the case is that right now I'm just feeling lonely, because the actual finality of my ex and myself is truly sinking in. I wouldn't want to find someone now anyways.
Valentines Day has never affected me, and may not affect me now. I just know that I went out with just "the girls" last friday night, and found myself left out of conversations about the different ways to stop your husband from snoring, or who spoons who... It's things like this that leave a lasting impression on my loneliness. My desire to share that with my husband, and wishing with everything in me that I never knew how it felt to have to stop someone from snoring, or how it feels to spoon and wake up and adjust together in the middle of the night. The sad part is I do know that feeling. I have experienced it. And it's a wonderful feeling. "When I'm asleep, I want somebody who will put their arms around me and kiss me tenderly. Though things like this... make me sick, but in a case like this, I'll get away with it." - Martin Gore Lyrics to one of my alltime favorite songs ever...
Somebody
I want somebody to share
Share the rest of my life
Share my innermost thoughts
Know my intimate details
Someone who'll stand by my side
And give me support
And in return
She'll get my support
She will listen to me
When I want to speak
About the world we live in
And life in general
Though my views may be wrong
They may even be perverted
She will hear me out
And won't easily be converted
To my way of thinking
In fact she'll often disagree
But at the end of it all
She will understand me
I want somebody who cares
For me passionately
With every thought and with every breath
Someone who'll help me see things
In a different light
All the things I detest
I will almost like
I don't want to be tied
To anyone's strings
I'm carefully trying to steer clear
Of those things
But when I'm asleep
I want somebody
Who will put their arms around me
And kiss me tenderly
Though things like this
Make me sick
In a case like this
I'll get away with it
This song pretty much sums up how I feel tonight. Longing for that feeling. I can see how people become addicted to it. I have my fair share of time alone, and I should be able to get back to that contentment of it... eventually.
1 comment:
It's a little behind time but I just watched the show "Shallow Hal" and thot the story was quite cool. Tonnes of girls I know who are in their thirties and having a swell time being single and doing things they trully believe in ... maybe looking outward, just to have a perspective change, may eventually turn your situation. Anyway, believe Phil 4:6
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