I just had a birthday last weekend. I'm 33 years old. I'm not sure if I have shared my age on this blog. I'm currently working so this post will probably be put off here momentarily. I'm waiting on someone to fix something so I can continue my work. It's hard to reflect on the last year of my life. So much has changed, I've learned a lot, I've grown a lot, been hurt a lot, cried a lot, bettered myself in a lot of ways. So I can't look back at a year of my life with any form of regret. I'm genuinely happy.
Work beckons me...
Well the above was written on 9/9/10 and even more changed the very next day. Its surprising how quickly and drastically things change. The week after my birthday was such a wonderful one with Latin Lover and me on a purely friendship level! He wrote me a birthday song and later the next week we spent time recording music, and just having a genuinely good time hanging out.
The quick and abrupt change occurred September 10th. It's almost been 2 whole months since Latin Lover decided to no longer talk to me. He went on his trip out of the country and right before he did I confronted him and he told me he couldn't figure out where I fit into his life so he was giving up up, he was done trying. That was September 15th. I didn't understand the seriousness of his statement until I saw he deleted me from his friends on Facebook and blocked me on Skype a few days into his trip. I had no idea that when he returned from his trip, he would continue to ignore me unless he *had* to interact with me for work related purposes.
In all honesty, it was overwhelmingly devastating. I'm writing about it almost 2 months later so my mood about it has subsided. I get sad, but the first month I was beyond depressed. I was overwhelmed with the grief. Here was someone I valued above all in the office and to some degree outside the office and he threw my friendship away with vengeance. It stung like hell and was a continually reopened sore every time I went into work and saw how kind he was to the others. And that he could't even make eye contact with me and when he did, felt like he was willing blades to pierce through my heart. The cruelty was horrific. Little stabs here and there, seeing him go out of his way to shove me out of every area of his life was very hard for me.
(sigh) Yes, the wounds have not yet healed. I've slowly come around though. Slowly come to realize that this is how he felt he needed to handle the situation. I realize now that it was an unhealthy relationship/friendship. Especially with how painful it was to have him throw it away and how emotional I was about it, meant that it meant much more to me then I should have let it.
Though what's the saying, "out of ashes..." I've learned a lot about myself. It's been an amazing journey, very emotional, I had some very low points in the first month of the cut. But in the last month I've slowly been able to turn around. Accept the reality of the situation. Understand that though I disagree with his way of handling the situation I have to respect that it was what he thought he needed to do. Knowing how hurt I was when he did it, made me realize my feelings went deeper then just friendship so it was for the best. He proposed to his gf and I genuinely hope he's happy. I still hope that someday we'll be able to be more than we are, but I don't ever expect to be anywhere like we were and that's a good thing. I'd settle for even a fake friendship which is what I know he has with everyone at the office. I am even lower then that to him right now and that hurts. And sadly I have to admit it's a blow to my pride, I wonder I wonder how could someone throw my friendship away like that? But I've grown so much from this situation.
Anyways, that's all I have time to share for now. I'll do my best to update soon.
