In my office

So... Obsession has been in the local office today. *Sigh* And we've been chatting off and on all day.

Counseling

I think I need counseling...

I haven't been able to be completely honest even with my journal because I'm afraid of my Husband Creature getting a hold of it.

It's nothing bad, in fact things are on the up-and-up especially when it comes to Obsession. The problem I have is, there is still a bit of obsessing going on with Obsession. He pops into my head a lot. I think about conversations we've had, or something comes up that we talked about and I struggle not being able to share. And it's weird to me. Weird that I've become obsessed with someone that I have no intention of pursuing. I genuinely want to *just* be friends, yet I don't even feel like we can be that. Maybe that's the issue? I can't have him? So I'm obsessed? How cliche' would that be?

Things with Obsession have been back and forth. I rarely see him so when I do, I crave just talking with him, catching up, finding out how he *really* is. Every time I see him, there's at least one time in the conversation that I think to myself... Man, I forgot how good looking he is. sigh 

He mentioned his wife told him we couldn't be friends anymore but he did it in passing and kind of like a joke. He said he had to continue to be my friend because I make the best cookies. I laughed and said, you didn't really tell her that. He said said, no, I didn't. But I didn't clarify if that was real. Like does she really not want us to be friends. I know Husband Creature wouldn't be opposed to that. But he knows we're friends and he's accepted that fact.

Either way, back to the reason I think I need counseling. If you can believe it, it's not all about Obsession. In fact, he's a side issue but I think I'm having real issues... One being with my dads heart attack. I can't talk about it without either crying or at best feeling the emotions choke my throat closed and a stinging in my eyes. Especially when it comes to being in the emergency room while they performed CPR. Even now, just typing it, my eyes are starting to gloss... I went to a CPR class for work and had to hide my tears streaming down my face. I almost walked out. At that point I realized there might be some form of PTSD for me being in the emergency room with that whole situation going on around me and I probably should seek help for dealing with it.

Then... my sister pulled me aside a couple of weeks ago to tell me she was raped! The circumstances are crazy and overwhelming. She was passed out drunk. She was in the comfort of her own hotel room where she thought she was ok. She took a bit to decide whether or not to press charges. There is a part of it that's out of her control. The medical results will automatically cause charges if they come back positive. But even if there was no penetration she was violated and will press charges. Her counselor told her to be sure what she wanted to do, and not worry about what all the family was telling her, because it'll be her life on the stand... So I'm proud of her but scared. Her marriage has been struggling so much all summer and I'm not sure how this will all play into it.

And oddly, aside from family, the only person I opened up to about it was Obsession. I couldn't believe I blurted it out. It makes no sense.

Especially since we can't really be friends. I can't text him. He doesn't do well with work calls. The only thing we have sort of done is work email. When we see each other we talk like long lost friends though. I always feel like he wants me to sit and share. Yesterday I was having a bad day, I shared that. He would laugh at my moody responses said he liked the "real" Clandestine. I was abrupt and said it like it was. I even shared that my husband creature found out I called Obsession a Distraction and how I had to share whenever I saw Obsession. I couldn't believe I was opening my big fat mouth! I was kind of all over the place when I said it, I could barely make eye contact. He said "wow I feel so important." That's when he made the comment that his wife said that he couldn't be my friend anymore which makes me wonder if it's a real statement. The entire time I kept hearing my best friend saying "whatever you do, don't tell Obsession how you feel about him". And I kept thinking I was sharing WAY too much! We switched the subject rather bluntly and from there it was lighthearted and no more tmi... He mentioned shopping for a couch, mentioned it was gray and I said oh that makes sense you painted your house gray tones, and he was shocked I remembered. Went on and on about how my memory is crazy, he couldn't remember even telling me he'd painted his house, let alone what color, etc. Part of me wonders if I remember so well because I am a bit obsessed. blah....