VERY raw and uncut

So I need to clear my head...

I'm angry
I'm hurt
I'm thinking your a pompas ass!!!!

You always have to dig dig dig... Fucking punch me in the gut... do you realize that I never once called your choices stupid! Never once put down your ideas. In fact, I even said that you were right. Do you realize you NEVER do this for me. You never concede... And if you do, it's never done in a polite manner. It's always belittling. I'm tired of being called the non-logical one. I'm tired of you hurting me. I'm tired of feeling like a miniscule little piece of shit every time we discuss my feelings. I'm not wrong. These are my feelings. My choices. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING STUPID!!!!!!! You fucking asshole! Fucking bastard!

I'm tired of trying to figure out how this friendship can work. I know you say you try... But in actuality it's like you try to find a way to get in there and hurt me. why? Why push the issue? Why make me feel like a little dumb person that is evil for having my own opinion!!?!?!?! I never put yours down. I listened. I reasoned. Is this imaturity?!?!?!

This isn't about just this conversation. If you think it is, you're insane. This is what I feel like with MOST of our conversations. Why do you even talk to me if I'm so stupid? Why do you even want to be my friend? This is how your responses to me make me feel. How could you want me in your life? is it that I make it so easy for you to feel good about yourself? To make you feel like you're the man? Damn you!

Ya know... I have low enough self esteem already. I don't think you're very healthy for me. I think I need to realize that this is a destructive relationship for me. I need someone to make me feel special. To make me feel good about having my own opinion. Someone that will help me stand on my own and not fall to my knees. I can't fully blame you. Our personalities just don't work well together. Why are we trying ? Why am I trying? Because I care about you so much? I'm sure that's the reason. How did I come to have such strong feelings for someone that makes me feel so small and unimportant?

Why am I so scared to send this? Is it because I don't want to lose you? Because I know if I truly call you on your shitty behavior you will walk away... You've told me as much. But I can't deal with this anymore. I so desperately want you to call and say you're sorry and that you care about me. Is this what I've been waiting for? is it even possible? Is it even true?

I don't want to play games. Yet I want to make you sweat it out. But are you? Or are you moving onto the next thing to entertain you?

I'm still crying... This is not a good thing. I can't stop. Is it because I know I have to say goodbye forever? Is it because I truly care about you and yet don't feel the feelings are mutual?

I know you're going through a lot ... Is this why? Is that your way of not focusing on the fact that your work situation sucks so much? Is this your defense mechanism? Do I send this text? Do I just go to sleep? I want to talk to you. I want to share these feelings... I'm so afraid of your reaction. I'm so understanding that in comparison to this conversation you will be in shock at my volcano... But I've been pushed too far. I've made too many excuses for your behavior towards me. I deserve people in my life that will help me feel good about myself. I lament with you about your work situation. I lament about your family. You have lamented about one thing... my sister. To the point that I feel guilty you won't be her friend.

Part of me wants to apologize for adding to your already overwhelmed situation. And a part of me knows you will belittle me if I do... Something to the extent of "Oh I had forgotten you were even pissed" ......little fucker... I'm tired of you making me feel like a peon.

Sent... lets see how you react... Will you reply? will you tell me you just thought I went to bed and could care less? Will you even feel the least bit of guilt for talking down to me? Will you even say you're sorry?

The Men - young and old

Vegas - After I refrained from having sex with him when I was in Vegas for a business trip I thought he'd stop texting but to my surprise he's kept it up. Though I really found it difficult to stop myself from having sex. If I hadn't made a promise to myself that I didn't want to add another person to my list I would have easily let him come up to my room. But if I can't be honest here where can I be honest? I did it for Geek Photographer. He knew I was going to meet someone in Vegas and possibly have sex. He seemed concerned about it. He kept making me promise to tell him if I did end up doing something with Vegas. And because of my feelings for him, not wanting to let him down, I refrained from having sex, even though damn.... I wanted to. Vegas is fucking hot! It didn't stop me from having great makeout sessions.

I was surprised at how natural it all happened. I found myself walking hand-in-hand with him. He was a complete gentleman well other then pushing me to have sex when I kept saying no. He knew deep down I was struggling with my decision. But I stuck to my guns and in the end he respected it.

Colorado - Did I mention that the moment he got married he fell off the face of the earth? Not on chat, website password secured, cell number no longer a working number, *poof*... gone!

Ex - Has surprisingly kept in contact since being married. Not so much on chat but in emails. In fact making an awkward attempt at being friendly by sending me links to his honeymoon and wedding! I struggled with the "wtf" thoughts... Seriously, who sends an ex-girlfriend pictures of your honeymoon? hehe Freak... But he's a nice guy. My friends ask why I don't just tell him to go away. Part of me wonders if I should. He made a promise, part of me thinks I should just thank him for sticking to it, but it really doesn't matter anymore. I don't mind an update every 6 months, but you don't have to work at keeping the friendship alive. What friendship really? It's more like an awkward aquaintence now.

Burbank - Has pushed off his move a few weeks. It's now scheduled for the 29th. He's made it a priority to meet my parents before he leaves the state. Odd, I know. Still can't quite figure that one out.

Junior - Yup, a new character in my listings of men. I've been trying to figure out a good name for him. He's 11 years my junior so I figured why not just call him that. I've mentioned him before, asking if it was wrong that I was shamelessly flirting with him. The thing is, I think this young guy is a total hottie. I think last night I found out for the first time the feelings are mutual. We've made a pact that the next time we're both single he's taking me out on a date. He currently has a girlfriend.

I first mentioned him at the bottom of my "Getting Stuff off my chest" blog if you want a little history.

In not such a wise move I admitted that I woke up one morning to a naughty dream about him. I had only shared that it made me blush. He got a kick out of it the day I told him but never mentioned it again. But sure enough he mentioned it last night. He wanted to know what I dreamt about. Going back and forth he told me I was sexy, extremely beautiful and that he was looking forward to taking me out... Damn!

Even in the midst of others he has said some things that make others question him about his actions because he has a girlfriend. He found out I missed a call from Older Guy and someone commented that his reaction showed jealousy.

Older Guy - He keeps promising to take me out for my birthday but our schedules just haven't meshed. He's such a dreamer. He has some awesome business ideas. But I'm just not sure how it's going to work.

Computer Geek - Still as adorable as ever. Though I'm surprised he sent his girlfriend back home. I know that with his girlfriend around I kept myself a little guarded not to go too far with the flirting even though I knew he didn't seem to care one way or the other.

Geek Photographer - Oddly I haven't been as worked up about him the last couple of days. He hasn't been calling as regularly. Tuesday I didn't hear from him once, but he was also at a funeral that day. Though I guess he said he was tempted to stop by my work on his way back to Santa Monica but he had a huge headache and just needed to get home. I didn't mind I had a long drawn out talk with Washington which I'll discuss in a moment. This morning he text me and asked if he could call me on my way into work. He had some drama at work he wanted to share and I guess get my advise and opinion.

Washington - He called me Tuesday night and asked if I had time to talk. Sure enough he went on for about 2 hours about the history, every detail, with the latest girl he was seeing. I had no idea he was such an overanalyzer. He went on and on and at a couple points I had to tell him to get to the point. He jumped all over the place. Story after story. He wanted my opinion as a girl and when I would share it he would interupt or try to explain my opinion away with another story. If I would say anything negative about this girl he would get overly defensive of her. My phone finally died after 2 1/2 hours. I will say this... The girl he's seeing is scared to death to get into a serious relationship. She's keeping him at arms length but is holding onto him for dear life.

Sadly the next day I found out only 30 minutes after our talk he found out his best friend from the service was killed in Iraq two days ago. :( Poor guy, so much going on. He called me on my work line yesterday morning and I haven't heard from him since. I'm really actually worried about him.

Well that's it for now.

Written 7/27/08 - Old post about Geek Photographer

Ok so most of this was written Sunday night...

I don't have a lot of time. I really should be in bed. But as most days... I tend to contemplate more at night.

Geek Photographer - Hmmm... I'm wondering whats going on in his head. We've become good friends. I enjoy our conversations. He seems to be calling more. Every weekend he comes up to visit his mom and always had an excuse not to get together. I finally stopped trying to make an effort. Finally last week it hit me that maybe it was because of a fear that spending time together would lead to something more. So I decided this was the case and started teasing him about being a scaredy cat and he was just afraid I'd "maninize" him. This is his word to desribe me since I tend to flirt with a lot of guys.

So I owe him cookies, for what? I can't remember. Earlier in the week I told him I could bake them this weekend and drop them off or we could meet in a public place so his mom won't give him a hard time about me. (She wants him to date me because I'm a Christian and she wants him to date a Christian rather then be with his Buddhist girlfriend.) He never gave me an answer so Friday I sent him a text asking him if I was baking his cookies, he said "no." So imagine my surprise when he called when my sister was finishing up my hair, asking if I wanted to hang out for a few hours. I felt like shit. I started my period and my stomach was all jacked up. I looked like crap because I stayed up WAY too late the night before. But I agreed to meet up with him. I exaggerated the length of time it would take so I could buy time to go freshen up.

I get home and am aware I want to look my best. I thought this was going to be a difficult task feeling and looking as horrible as I did. But I seemed to pull it off somehow. I knew I was over-dressed for a last minute call on a Saturday but I figured how would he know I went out of my way for him unless I told him?

He needed some sandals so we met at a shoe store near my house. As soon as I saw him I realized that there was definitely an attraction to him. One that had grown since the last time I had seen him in person. So I walk up to him and give him a hug and I could tell we both were feeling a bit awkward. But it didn't last long. I was pleasantly surprised that he seemed eager for my opinion of his choices. We had a couple "moments" as I would call them. Moments where later I imagined pulling him in for a kiss.

He was such a gentleman. I am still surprised when men pay for things. The only other person that wouldn't allow me to buy anything was Older Guy but I figured it was a generation thing. But the two times I've hung out with Geek Photographer he wouldn't let me pay, even when it was a place I stopped for myself! It was in Juice It Up that I noticed I was crushing big time. We were waiting for our drinks and it was crowded, we were close, but I didn't realize how close till everyone else was gone and we stayed right where we were.

It wasn't until we went our seperate ways that I called my friend and told her I was in serious trouble. I went home and took a nap, I couldn't get the grin off my face. Nothing happened. Though I kept imagining how it could have at Juice It Up. I kept smiling over comments that were made. I realized this is a problem. He has a girlfriend. What am I doing!? So I started compiling a conversation that I should have with him about my concern of his lack of communication about his girlfriend, making me feel he was available. I find myself flirting with him far more then I should a guy in a relationship. I find myself imagining a relationship forming when he's made it clear that's not what he wants.

Even now, after the conversations we've had... I can't imagine him NOT wanting a relationship with me. Have I deluded myself into thinking he wants me and all along he's made it abundantly clear that he's glad I don't have any expectations? I mean after my nap I made the decision to back off. Keep my distance. For my own safety and sanity. But he's called me more then usual, sent text messages more often and has been all around more involved. I've even given excuses, given him outs, and he's asked me to call him back or made reasons for me to stay on the phone with him. It's just odd. I know I'm falling more then I should. I need to keep myself from letting my imagination and my heart from slipping too far.

We talked tonight about his beliefs. He knew I went to a water baptism after church. He made a joke about drowning the person and he mentioned that he knew I wouldn't be offended with a statement like that unlike his sister and his mom. I hadn't realized his sister was a Christian also. I've always been under the impression that he was raised in a Christian home but that he never kept the beliefs as his own. He was very offended when he found out thats how I viewed his beliefs. He said there was a big difference in believing in something and not actively pursuing it.

He also said something else that intrigued me. I was mentioning that I felt he was a bit obsessed with Computer Geek. He always asks about him. He told me its because he's trying to figure out what's going on between us. I thought he was joking until he said that he's backed off on asking because I kept giving him the same answer and now he'll throw in a question about him here and there just to see if I'll give in to more information. I laughed and told him what I've always told him. Sure I flirt with Computer Geek... That everyone in the office knows I flirt with Computer Geek. Majorly flirt! And I totally think he's a cutie, a bit of a freak but in a good way! But that's it. But I didn't tell him that if Computer Geek ever wanted to do anything with me, I think I'd go for it in a heartbeat! My only hesitation is my own personal insecurities, because I can't imagine Computer Geek being physically attracted to me, sure my face may be pretty... But if his current girlfriend is any indication of what he is physically attracted to then I'm the opposite. And well we work together, it would make for an awkward work environment.

ARGH!!!

Why do boys have to be so confusing? Yesterday after a talk with my friend I was left feeling like I was completely done with "his" games. Almost sad that I keep falling for them. Angry that he was so selfish to keep toying with my emotions. I decided I had enough. I was going to avoid talking with him until I was ready to tell him so. I had already agreed to talk to him last night so I stayed busy and didn't keep my phone on me like usual. Sure enough I missed his call. I decided to text him when I was heading to bed and let him know I was sorry I missed his call but was busy and was heading to bed. Sure enough maybe 10 minutes later I get a call from him. I debated on picking up but decided it was easier to answer and just let him know I was in bed.

He, of course, wanted to talk. I told him I was in bed. He seemed to enjoy the fact that I was groggy. And sadly I was already smirking as I talked to him. Something in how he talks to me makes me laugh. I can't help but enjoy myself. But sure enough when I made it clear I was not intending to talk long he pulled the game out of his bag and said something he knew would get to me. I'm not sure if it was because I'd been stewing on my frustrations but in a half asleep stuper I started telling him off. Not yelling, just groggily but flatly calling him a fucking asshole and that I was done with his games. He of course found this highly entertaining. I can imagine how it came out. Someone half asleep mumbles something about you being a fucking asshole. But I meant it, every word. He suddenly brings on the charm... I try to stay mad. He fixes the statement he said that pushed me over that edge of self control. He knows I get angry with him quite regularly. Suddenly his voice is like silk... He's teasing... Toying... Again. I tell him I can't stay mad.

The above was written Wednesday September 17th.

So I spent the day at "his" mom's house, with him, his mom, and sister's family. He told me they like me if that's any consolation to the fact that they were whispering about us while I was on the living room floor playing on a train set with him and his nephew. I was tempted to write back "it's not them that I'm curious about".

Should I even still be curious? He knows the depth of my feelings yet I can't tell if he really likes me. I know he does. But is it just more games?

One thing I've learned is I freaking talk too much! Too many people know my business and I find myself retreating right now. Three people, no make that four people that I care about all have negative views of each other because of what I've shared! Do you realize how horrible that makes me feel? My best friend doesn't like "him" all that much. My sister got offended at "him". "He" doesn't like my sister because of something I shared that happened between her and I. My friend whom I referred to that I spoke to Tuesday about "him" seems to be the only one to understand because she's in a similarly confusing situation with a guy. Though her guy is nothing but sweet and complimentary.

Yet... "He" has started to compliment me more since our talk Tuesday night. Nothing extravagant or even necessarily romantic in nature. But telling me I have a nice laugh when I was telling him I worried my laugh can be a bit loud. He also went out of his way to say I had a great personality. And that someone I was having an issue with at work was probably just jealous because he can't imagine anyone not liking me. He told me tonight he was glad I came over and it was nice to see me again. These things may not seem like much but sadly it's a big deal for him. We see eachother maybe once every couple of months. Yet I talk to him every day, multiple times a day. I left his mom's house and we text for about an hour.

Then I keep thinking... Is this what I want? Someone I care about not really making me feel all that special? Or should I be ok with the little things? We do seem to have a great friendship. I looked at him today, I mean really looked at him. Wondering if I could see myself with him. Part of me wasn't sure. Is this one of those situations I'm infatuated but if it came down to it and was presented with a relationship would I really want one with him?

I'm tired of crying. Yes... I've cried the last couple of times I've been torn. This doesn't seem normal. I was on the verge of crying on my way over to "his" mom's house. I was upset because of him not coming over to my house because my sister was over at my place. I wondered if I was doing the right thing by giving in to his decision to have me go over to his mom's house. (I did that with an ex and it was a huge mistake) I felt like I was just settling. Feeding into his bad behavior. Yet I wanted to see him. ARGH! I'm so frustrated. Should I really be frustrated? Whenever I'm with him I'm happy and I forget all of this! But as soon as I'm thinking about it, i'm pissed. Not necessarily at him, but at myself.

Like tomorrow... I suggested he come down to my work early so we could hang out before he had to pick up some relatives at the airport by my work. He said he had tentative plans with another friend of his. I told him no worries and when I was telling him goodnight I told him to give me a call if he was able to hang out otherwise I'd just head home after work. He then comes back asking me to text him after I got off of work. Why couldn't he just call me? It's almost like he has to be in control. But of even something that simple?

It's so sad. I talk to my friends and they all say he sounds like a big jerk. Yet I defend him and realize I somehow haven't conveyed how he makes me feel the other times. How can I be so pulled to this guy that I can't seem to get my friends to think is a decent guy? Sigh... I think I've shared all that I can share. I need to get to bed and I'm sure I will sleep thinking of him, tossing and turning like I have for the last week. blah!

I'm buzzed

So I'm sitting in a hotel room in Vegas with no clothes on (left my pjs at home) ... totally buzzed. Probably more so then I have been in a LONG time. I went to a bar and ordered a drink that the bartender convinced me to get in a mason jar size! It had rum, some sour green stuff, and vodka. The worst part is I only drank maybe a little over 1/4 and I was feeling it! I'm a lightweight, what can I say. Right now I'm pounding the water because the biggest portion of my business trip happens tomorrow!

I've had a great trip. I've never done the business trip. I've been keeping receipts and know that even the drink I ordered will be covered by the company. Kind of nice!

I'm not sure how long it will take for me to go to sleep. I need to be up early for a long day at a conference. But right now I'm glad I'm taking this opportunity to enjoy myself. My friend from Utah has been out hanging out with me. She and I go WAY back... I think we met when I was 6 and she was 7. She's got an infectious laugh. She's awesome.

Remember Vegas? The guy I refer to as Vegas that is. Well he had every intention of "hooking up" while I was here. And at one point I was convinced I would get laid on this trip. But since my sexcapade with Burbank I have a different view of the whole situation. Even now, I still don't plan on letting him get anywhere. I think I pissed him off. When I first arrived he wanted to take me to dinner when I already warned him before I even got here that I wouldn't have time to hang out till Wednesday night. I haven't heard from him since. So I may not even see him tomorrow night. And I'm not too worried about it. In fact, it will save me the effort of having to convince him how serious I am that I'm not going to sleep with him.

*ok I take it back... Just heard from Vegas and he's planning on picking me up from the hotel tomorrow night and take me to dinner and out to a club. We'll see how it goes.

Anyways, I think I've fallen for Geek Photographer. There's no other explanation for how I feel about him. Things have changed for us recently and I think he's starting to accept it as well. Who knows though. He always gets close and then pulls away. But he knew about "Vegas" propositioning me and even though he knows I don't plan on having sex he's asked me every day if I've hooked up with him. And before I left he made me promise to be honest if i did hook up with Vegas. I don't see what concern it is of his but oh well.

Well I really should get to sleep. I'll write more soon I'm sure...

So... It was my birthday Thursday...

Happy Birthday to me! So my birthday was Thursday. I didn't do too much. I felt special all day though. I was surprised I got so many calls, emails, texts, comments on myspace and facebook, etc. At work Computer Geek applauded me. There is another guy... not sure I ever gave him a nickname but I know I've mentioned him. I was accused of having an affair with him! Either way he gave me a hug and wished me a happy birthday. Another girl sang me happy birthday. I think the biggest surprise was someone I've known on a superficial level for years made a point to go out of his way to call and wish me a happy birthday. All-in-all it was a great day! And tonight I'm going out with some friends.

Geek Photographer - Where to start? There have been so many blogs I've started but never posted about him. Mostly because I get so furious with him, I vent, and suddenly he's as sweet as can be again. I guess it's safe to say he brings out the worst in me. Horrible to say I know. But it's the only explanation I can give for how I react to him. Turns out I do the same to him, though he hides it better then me. I'm drawn to him in an unnatural way. I think he knows this and exploits it. He enjoys the power and abuses it until he realizes that he's pushed me too far and then he makes up for it.

Though in all the frustration I think we've come to a mutual understanding and respect for where to draw the lines. I sometimes wonder what makes the friendship worth this much effort!?

So we got together a week and a half ago to test out his new concept for a photoshoot. We had a good time. I think that was the first time I realized how much it bothers him that I pry into his life. Not by what he said, but just how he said it. It made sense. I'm an open person so it's harder for me to understand. But something clicked and I decided to back off on asking him and sure enough in the last week and a half he's opened up more then ever. Maybe not about things I have been curious about but some things I was pleasantly surprised he was willing to share.

I lost it with him a week ago Friday but within moments I realized what the issue was. And there hasn't been any issues ever since. I shared with him my concerns. I've been very honest that I believe my feelings for him affect my ability to brush off the things he says. I don't regret telling him this, though I'm sure some people would say that wasn't wise. I have no clue where this friendship is going. And really, it doesn't matter.

Oh yes he did!

Me - You can't be serious!?!?

Him - I am

Me - You aren't coming up here JUST to have sex!?!!

Him - Well it won't just be sex, we will be kissing too.

Me - You're pulling my leg

Him - I'm absolutely serious, what's a good time?

Me - I'm going out for my birthday Saturday night.

Him - Well I could come over earlier for a quickie

Me - You're so playing with me. That's so wrong!

Him - (pleading) Awh... Come on... You know you want to. You're so mean, why aren't you being nice to me? And I need a quickie. You know you want it too...

Me - (having a hard time concentrating because of the longing in his voice) ...

Him - Please?!

Me - (Sarcastically) sure then come over at noon...

Him - That'll give us 6 hours... What if I need more time?

Me - (still in disbelief) Fine, make it 9...

Him - ok I'll need directions

Me - I know you can't be serious about this.

Him - You should see how serious I am! Do you want a picture?

Me - (mouth drops to the floor)

Him - (laughs)

Me - ...(Calling his bluff) Sure send it over!

Him - I can't do that! I can't believe you'd ask!

Me - I didn't ask, you offered, I decided to take you up on it.

Him - Guess where my hand is?

Me - You can't be serious!?!

Him - Just guess

Me - On your stomach

Him - nope

Me - on your head

Him - come on, I know you can do better then that

Me - on your chest

Him - I know you can be more dirty then that!

Me - in your armpits

Him - Think dirtier.

Me - You can't be touching yourself!?!?

Him - With how perverted you are, I can't believe you're not guessing. I know you know. Just say it.

Me - Fine... Are you touching yourself down there? (oddly not able to say the word penis or dick)

Him - Yup!

Me - (Jaw drops again) Are you rubbing?

Him - mmhmmm

Me - How hard are you?

Him - Well I have to go to bed now. Goodnight!