New Beginnings

I really wish I had more time to write. Life is chaos especially with the holidays. But I find today I'm having a hard time focusing. I really want to get some things off my chest. Writing in my journal doesn't seem like enough somehow. Or maybe because I'm at work it looks more obvious that I'm not working? Or maybe my fear is someone will actually read this entry in my journal and know it's me.

I'm seeing someone. He's a really amazing guy. I would say we started talking in late October but met mid-September. Sometimes I wonder if things with Latin Lover had to end so I could be open to the idea of this guy. Yet, even now, having fallen for Boyfriend-like Creature as I call him, I'm still drawn to Latin Lover. I guess there was more of a connection between us than either of us realized.

Latin Lover and I didn't talk for a good couple of months. But we finally had a breakthrough conversation November 17, and yet two months later he still barely even acknowledges my existence. I'm not quite sure what his issue is. The talk went really well! I found out that everything I've been feeling was true. He cares a lot about me and that the distance was really hard on him.

With all the talk and how things have so slowly progressed I feel like there must still be too much between us. I can tell because I get nervous when I think about him knowing about Boyfriend-like Creature. It took me forever to let Boyfriend-like Creature stop by my work where people could see him. One: because Latin Lover hated me bringing in people to the office. Two: Because I didn't want my Boyfriend-like Creature meeting Latin Lover. That in itself makes me wonder if I'm ready to be in a relationship. Last night as Boyfriend-like Creature and I were shopping he told me he thinks he saw Latin Lover. My heart stopped... He told me it was when he stopped by my work. He saw Latin Lover watch us through the reflection. I felt sad. Worried about what Latin Lover felt.

This is where my heart isn't sure what to feel. I desperately want to talk to Latin Lover and part of me doesn't know how wise that is. He treated me like I was the plague earlier this week and sometimes I wonder what I do to push him away. Part of me wonders if his feelings get more intense so he pushes harder. I invited him to the play I'm putting on tonight, a couple weeks ago I told him how much I'd appreciate him coming and he said he would try, yet with how he's treated me this week he won't show up. If he does, I would seriously faint! I have decided if he doesn't show up and is at the office when I get done I will stop by. Ok so the decision isn't made but I'm mulling it over.

Anyways going back to him treating me like the plague, it really got to me, to the point that it ruined my day. This concerns me. I've always been a people pleaser, part of me feels like I can explain it away with that. But, for obvious reasons, Latin Lover affects me in a deeper way. And this bothers me, especially since Boyfriend-like Creature is now in my life.

So lets focus on the positive aspect of Boyfriend-like Creature. He's amazingly sweet, caring, giving and all that usually makes me gag about romance. He's a romantic to such an extreme that sometimes I find myself annoyed or thinking he's gotta be fake! Yet, he's gone to my church for 5 or so weeks even though I'm not in the service and busy with play practice. He's shown spiritual growth on his own without any prodding from me. He gave his life to Christ December 12th. I asked my parents if they had any concerns and specifically requested to have their blessing before pursuing an official relationship with Boyfriend-like Creature. I've gotten their approval to move forward but not an official green-light but more like a yellow-light. It's odd to move forward with a relationship seeking my parents approval being 33 years old but considering how many times I've screwed up and this isn't a light decision I wanted their blessing.

I have all but to make it official. I planned on doing something cute on Christmas Eve but he's been pressuring me to do that to the point that I got frustrated about him pressuring me into doing what I already had planned that it made me not want to do it that way... I'm still frustrated. Even last night and today I'm still annoyed with the fact that he kept pushing and pushing and it made the surprise no longer fun or exciting. So I guess I'm gonna have to wait for another plan. Because right now it doesn't feel right to make it a Christmas present. Part of me wonders if I'm being a spoiled brat not to want to do what I was planning just because he keeps suggesting it without knowing it was part of my plan.

When I'm with him I get lost in my emotions for him. I really do care about him. Even love him. But his speed almost scares me. He was fighting telling me he loved me within weeks of us showing a mutual attraction. I think I'm going to surprise him Thursday and ask him to be my actual boyfriend. I wanted to do something silly like have a gift tag on me that says "Would you be my boyfriend?" With checkboxes for Yes and No... But knowing his playfulness he's select "no" which for some reason would bug me. Or maybe I should just ask him outright. I'm already on edge about taking this step. I'm apparently scared to death of commitment! Who knew? I guess thats why I always go after the unavailable men.

I wish I felt better about things.

Time Flies

It's hard to believe July was my last post. But I guess looking it appears my post was late July and it's early September.

I just had a birthday last weekend. I'm 33 years old. I'm not sure if I have shared my age on this blog. I'm currently working so this post will probably be put off here momentarily. I'm waiting on someone to fix something so I can continue my work. It's hard to reflect on the last year of my life. So much has changed, I've learned a lot, I've grown a lot, been hurt a lot, cried a lot, bettered myself in a lot of ways. So I can't look back at a year of my life with any form of regret. I'm genuinely happy.

Work beckons me...

Well the above was written on 9/9/10 and even more changed the very next day. Its surprising how quickly and drastically things change. The week after my birthday was such a wonderful one with Latin Lover and me on a purely friendship level! He wrote me a birthday song and later the next week we spent time recording music, and just having a genuinely good time hanging out.

The quick and abrupt change occurred September 10th. It's almost been 2 whole months since Latin Lover decided to no longer talk to me. He went on his trip out of the country and right before he did I confronted him and he told me he couldn't figure out where I fit into his life so he was giving up up, he was done trying. That was September 15th. I didn't understand the seriousness of his statement until I saw he deleted me from his friends on Facebook and blocked me on Skype a few days into his trip. I had no idea that when he returned from his trip, he would continue to ignore me unless he *had* to interact with me for work related purposes.

In all honesty, it was overwhelmingly devastating. I'm writing about it almost 2 months later so my mood about it has subsided. I get sad, but the first month I was beyond depressed. I was overwhelmed with the grief. Here was someone I valued above all in the office and to some degree outside the office and he threw my friendship away with vengeance. It stung like hell and was a continually reopened sore every time I went into work and saw how kind he was to the others. And that he could't even make eye contact with me and when he did, felt like he was willing blades to pierce through my heart. The cruelty was horrific. Little stabs here and there, seeing him go out of his way to shove me out of every area of his life was very hard for me.

(sigh) Yes, the wounds have not yet healed. I've slowly come around though. Slowly come to realize that this is how he felt he needed to handle the situation. I realize now that it was an unhealthy relationship/friendship. Especially with how painful it was to have him throw it away and how emotional I was about it, meant that it meant much more to me then I should have let it.

Though what's the saying, "out of ashes..." I've learned a lot about myself. It's been an amazing journey, very emotional, I had some very low points in the first month of the cut. But in the last month I've slowly been able to turn around. Accept the reality of the situation. Understand that though I disagree with his way of handling the situation I have to respect that it was what he thought he needed to do. Knowing how hurt I was when he did it, made me realize my feelings went deeper then just friendship so it was for the best. He proposed to his gf and I genuinely hope he's happy. I still hope that someday we'll be able to be more than we are, but I don't ever expect to be anywhere like we were and that's a good thing. I'd settle for even a fake friendship which is what I know he has with everyone at the office. I am even lower then that to him right now and that hurts. And sadly I have to admit it's a blow to my pride, I wonder I wonder how could someone throw my friendship away like that? But I've grown so much from this situation.

Anyways, that's all I have time to share for now. I'll do my best to update soon.

A New Leaf

Not sure what to feel or say right now. Not sure if I should even share. So much in my life has changed since my last post. I spiraled out of control there for a while. I felt seriously disturbed. I know I really should share all the things that happened in the last couple of months but honestly, it's the past... I'm moving on and hopefully to better days.

I became really self destructive, especially to my emotional well being. I became so wrapped up in drinking and having sex and not realizing how damaging it was to my self esteem. I would have thought that I was doing better because here I was getting these guys to show me attention that I thought were out of my league, shouldn't that make me feel better about myself? Yeah no, not when the sex was meaningless.

I am sometimes really disappointed in myself. I am trying not to beat myself up for my behavior. I learned a lot about myself. I learned a lot about what I want and what I don't. Sadly the wrong way. The painful way. My heart has been broken. Not shattered, maybe just a new crack here and there. But we all know those little cracks add up... My heart got involved with both The Drummer and Latin Lover. I read a book recently that labeled it an unhealthy soul-tie.... You attach yourself to someone that you should never attach yourself to. I gave my heart so surprisingly to Latin Lover which was especially odd because I never felt fully safe with him. How did I ever let my heart go that far?

Guess it doesn't matter. It's over. I'm on the mend and trying to stay out of trouble. The odd thing is I'm sitting here on the beanbag in the middle of the room at the office, while he's working at his desk. Yes, Latin Lover and I are hanging out tonight. I'm not sure how to feel about our friendship. It means a lot to me. Sometimes I feel like it's unhealthy but I think because we work together, it's what I need to make it through it I guess. I'm not sure. We'll see what the next two months bring. He is planning on proposing to his girlfriend of 8 years. So more power to him.

I just know there is someone out there... Someone that will love me for me. My laughing too much, my insecurities, me on my good days and me on my bad days. Someone will want to spend every waking minute with me. Someday... Someone out there will love me. And I don't mean that to sound sad. It's actually very hopeful. I am genuinely content and looking forward to when that person (whoever, wherever he is) comes into my life.

For now I'm going to keep myself out of trouble and continue to grow as a person. I've done a lot of personal reflection in the last couple of months. I've been disturbed by my own behavior and I knew there was something wrong about it... Now that I'm on the right path I can hold my head up higher. It's a good feeling.

I'm not sure how long it will be before I post again. But for now... Goodnight.

Fuck Friends, Fuck Friends, Fuck Friends

What is it about U2 that makes you thoughtful? I don't know. I just got back from my walk. The moon is very beautiful right now, so are the clouds, beautiful shades of pink, orange and yellow as the sun is setting with a twilight sky. (Sigh) I'm very sad right now. I spent the bulk of my walk crying bawling. I really need to stop breaking down on my walks because I'll start avoiding them. I'm not sure what happens on my walks, maybe it's because all I have with me are my thoughts. I broke down nearly halfway through my walk and couldn't stop till I was almost home. I'm very sad and lonely. Maybe heartbroken is the best word to describe it. I'm tired of feeling like I'm the only one making the effort. I feel sometimes so desperate to be peoples friend that I do everything I can to make that person want to be my friend back only to be disappointed and let down.

Latin Lover says that he chants "Fuck friends, fuck friends, fuck friends"... I'm inclined to agree with him. And would even be including him in my list of friends I'm saying that about. But as I stumbled down the street crying so hard I could barely see and hoping nobody would see me, I thought “Everyone lets us down, the only person that won't is God”. Of course, in that moment a wave of guilt washes over me and I started crying even harder. My relationship with God is so distant. Yet, I know the only thing I need to do is seek Him but I'm so physically, mentally and emotionally drained right now I have no idea how to even go to Him. It's horrible to think I don't have the time for God. But if I'm honest, that's the truth. I keep thinking of that “Footprints in the Sand” poem. I know that’s the situation right now, God is carrying me through this time. Yet I feel so alone.

Why is it that sometimes you just need that tangible person, someone who will hold you and tell you that you're ok, faults and all? God can do the same thing. I've experienced it quite a few times. But right now I'm selfish. I want that physical person. I want to feel loved, cared for, desired, and accepted as I am.

I'm so drained right now. I partially think I'll just crash early tonight. Another issue I've been dealing with is lack of a good night’s sleep. Once I got past my brother's emergency wakeup calls at 3:30 in the morning, I just kept thinking too much, having nightmares, and waking up before my alarm by hours for no reason. Then when my alarm would go off I've slept through it a couple times!

The last time I broke down on my walk I realized that I wasn't who I wanted to be but that I needed to stop running from who I am. Tonight as I walked along crying I honestly thought, "Ok, so I've come to grips with who I am and have decided to accept myself as I am, will anyone else?" Yes, I'm talking about a relationship.

I've been recently interested/involved (at various levels) with 3 different guys, each in their own right, good men. All seem unavoidably unavailable! What's with me and unavailable men? the Drummer is not the kind of guy I should be involved with. Latin Lover, well there are a lot of reasons why I shouldn't be involved with him. Yet I feel the most desperate to be near him and get to know him. The Setup is in every way the perfect fit for me. He's a great guy, shares my beliefs, we have a great time when we hang out, yet I can't avoid the feeling he's JUST NOT THAT INTO ME! I don't know how many times I've written him off only to hear from him asking if I want to go out again. I always say yes, with a twist of hope and the time together is always great... Then I don't hear from him in forever.

(Sigh) I'm just so tired of feeling unwanted, undesirable and uncared for, especially the feeling of not being worth the effort. In both friendship and relationships, but right now I’m referring specifically to relationships! I'm tired of one superficial relationship after another. The last serious relationship I had was when I was with Ex and how many years ago was that!? For a time I really did enjoy the casual dating scene. I've gained a lot of confidence in areas where I didn't have ANY. Yet, when will someone feel the desire to be with me, flaws and all, for better or worse?

I'm drained, so I know my emotional outlook isn't very healthy. But I just need to express it... Get it off my chest, in hopes that I will be able to let it go. Blah! U2 - Achtung Baby playing on my ipod as a sad soundtrack to this moment in my life. Love is Blindness... How appropriate... (Sigh) I think I’m done ranting for the moment. I’m hesitant to post this on my public blog. I’ve considered posting it to my anonymous blog. Not sure why I’m doing this but here goes; another very real blog entry.

I think I need counseling

So... I'm not sure where to go with all this. I'm wondering if I need some counseling. I'm not sure why I'm in this self destructive mode. Honestly I'm not sure how self destructive it is. In fact I'm quite confused about things right now. I think that's why I feel the need to talk to someone, someone not in my life, someone who won't be so shocked by my behavior or impacted by my behavior. Someone who can give me an objective view of my actions and what could be going on deeper inside to make sense of it all.

The thing is, my sexual lifestyle has dramatically changed in the last 6 months! I mean drastically! And surprisingly it's exactly the 6 month mark. Maybe this is a good thing, maybe this means I'm done. Hopefully I got it out of my system and I won't feel like such a slut.

I'm not sure what's going on. I've never been one to sleep around, yet I've also never had the opportunities like I do now. I guess I should share what I'm talking about before you think I've slept with a different guy every day of the week. The thing is, I haven't! In fact, my list of sex partners now reaches 5 and this bothers me greatly because two were added within the last couple of months. By normal standards this isn't shocking, but for me it is.

So we all know my first partner was my Ex. He and I were in a relationship for months before I decided to go forward with losing my virginity. That was back when I was 24. I'm now 32. Wow I've never talked about my First Boyfriend on this thing!? Either way, my first ever boyfriend and I did everything but intercourse so if you wanted to argue he was a partner then fine the list goes up to 6. Then I screwed up and slept with Burbank back in 2007. It was a long time before I had sex again. Well over a year!

It was with the Drummer back in October of 2009. As I've made it clear, he and I tried to be good but we kept going. Then I made the mistake of sleeping with The Actor in late February of this year, 2010. Here's where my behavior gets weird.... I slept with The Actor not thinking anything was going to happen with the Drummer ever again. The Drummer and I had been avoiding each other ever since he treated me like crap on his birthday.

So March 26th I hung out with the Actor again when he came down for a movie he was the lead in. I told him we weren't going to have sex and if he didn't want to hang out then I'd be ok with that. He still came over, but I could tell he was pissed. We slept in the same bed and I found it difficult not to go for it... And sure enough in the morning I said screw it, and went for it. It was miserable. We never even kissed it wasn't even satisfying. Blah... So I was disappointed in myself, and felt gross.

That day I get a text from my bossom buddy who reminded me I was supposed to go to a show with her that night and that our designated driver was The Drummer!!! I totally spaced this show. Well it was a fantastic night. The Drummer was all sorts of adorable and attentive with me. And I got plastered! We joked around and made plans to have sex that night. I wasn't thinking about the fact that I had slept with someone just that morning. By the time we got back to The Drummer's place, it hadn't even been 24 hours since I'd had sex with another man!

This concept seemed so foreign to me that I thought it would never happen to me! I was shocked! But The Drummer means so much more to me, and the sex is just so fantastic it's hard not to do it when I have the chance. Before you think I'm a cheap whore, you may be glad to know I talked to the Drummer about how he treated me on his birthday before we had sex. Sure enough he felt really bad, he hadn't remembered what he said. The night was incredible, intense as usual and very intimate. We fell asleep and he woke me up in the middle of the night to go at it again. It was rough and intense and he even bit on my neck so hard I got a bruise that lasted a week! It was awesome!

I woke up and went to church and realized the concept of sleeping with two men in less then 24 hours was not a good thing. That I had a serious problem. The idea of sleeping with the Actor again was just silly. There's no chance of that happening again. In fact, I really don't ever expect to hang out with him when he comes down again.

So The Setup at this point has been really confusing. I got a text from The Setup like Saturday when I was visiting my brother in the hospital and he wants to get together soon, we've set tentative plans for Sunday but I'm definitely not holding my breath!

I don't regret sleeping with The Drummer. He and I truly care about each other. The Actor is a horrible partner and well he doesn't even care about me nor do I care about him!

Since the 27th though I have found out The Drummer is now seeing someone. He wouldn't sleep with me at the last show and that's when I found out. I walked into the garage where he was talking to her. I felt completely uncomfortable. I told him so, and he admitted to being uncomfortable about hearing about The Setup at the St Patty's Day show I was at.

It was sweet. He talked about how much he cared about me, when I said we both knew it could never turn into a relationship he corrected me and said it could have, but that it wasn't probably going to be till death do us part. That if he were able to join my church then that's all it would need to work, but that he didn't think he could do that but if he could, we'd get married and my brother would just have to be ok with that. I was really surprised by this admittance but one thing I will say about The Drummer is that he does care about me. No matter what these other guys make me feel. The Drummer really does make me feel loved and cared for... Even if it's dysfunctional.

So... I've been living life. Not thinking about anyone or anything. Not worried about a relationship, or the concept of sleeping with someone or how long it will be before I will find someone. I've just been happy. Dealing with school, my brothes illness and work!

Burbank came up this week to get some stuff out of my garage. He kind of hinted that he wanted to fool around but I wasn't having any of it.

So I went up to San Francisco for work Sunday - Wednesday. I guess I should give some background to this new guy. He's my coworker, and one of my friends labeled him for me as: Latin Lover, so that's his nickname.

Either way I got this job back in February, I immediately noticed him and was immediately intimidated by him. It took me a while to get comfortable enough to start getting to know him. We moved to a new office shortly after I was hired and it was there that we found our musical tastes match! It was our starting point. I was immediately drawn to him. He's very good looking. I wanted to get to know him better but wasn't sure how. He was fairly quiet and reserved.

As time went on Latin Lover and I got to know each other more. He played me one of his songs, he plays the guitar and sings and I seriously told my friend after leaving that night that I got weak in the knees and told her I was in trouble. That was the point that I realized I really liked him and that I would have to keep a level head not to let the crush get out of control.

Back to my San Francisco trip. We all go, our entire office. Latin Lover and another guy flew along with the boss, and me and two of my other coworkers drove up. We all stayed at the same hotel but we were all on different floors.

Either way the first night it seemed like Latin Lover wanted to hang out with me. He'd been drinking. And the sexual tension was definitely there. At one point we went out for alcohol and our coworkers I think wondered what was really going on. Like they didn't really think we'd come back.

*** The above was written in late April sometime, it's now May 29th, 2010***

So lets sum up this story. Basically I noticed sexual tension between me and Latin Lover the first night there but honestly thought nothing of it. Then the next night I found out I wasn't going to see him and was actually kinda bummed, but made the best of the night and went out with my boss and another coworker. Turns out Latin Lover ended up at the same party. I was already drinking heavily and became extremely touchy feely with him. He didn't seem to mind, in fact he seemed to like it and became affectionate as well. I realized I was in trouble so I decided I needed to walk back to the hotel but he didn't want me to walk by myself and also didn't want to leave the party because our other coworker was having such a fun time. Latin Lover was so sweet, he helped me find a seat and sat with me for a bit. I started to sober up.

We walked back to the hotel when the party started to die down. I got back to my room and sure enough he got online and we started chatting. I noticed he seemed to make an excuse to come to my room, which was because I needed water and hadn't gotten any and I would need it to help with the hangover. So because he "cared" he was bringing me some. He comes to my room, I feel awkward because I'm in pjs, no makeup and trying desperately to be a good girl. He leaves and I take a BIG sigh of relief.

Then we get back online together chatting it up and then I make the silly choice to let him know I was proud of myself for being good. He asked me howso and when I told him that I didn't attack him like I wanted to he asked why not, I told him I didn't want to embarrass myself or make him have to push me away, jokingly. He then tells me he forgot something and before I knew it he was back at my door knocking.

My mouth dropped open, my heart was pounding, he stood to the side of the door when I looked out but when I opened the door he came in, the door shut loudly and I was embarrassed by that and when I leaned back he came forward and I remember saying something about being bad, he said that I was being bad as he grabbed my face and started kissing me. It was intense and I was in shock the entire time. I couldn't believe it was happening.

We went all the way. I felt uncomfortable as soon as I realized what we'd done. He was a coworker, he had a girlfriend. Two VERY big reasons why I should have kept myself from letting this happen. I felt a little cheap too. He wanted to get up right away and leave. I realize he had his own guilt to work through. When I asked about awkwardness he said we were both adults and we should be fine.

The rest of the trip we treated eachother like nothing happened. Still to this day we've only discussed it once! In that discussion we were able to share that we both felt it was a mistake. I was relieved for a time. Then there would be those random moments at work where I'd feel that electricity and it sucks! The look in his eyes, so intense. I can't ask him how he's feeling, because I don't want to continue on that path! Part of me does, another part knows it would be unhealthy.

We're trying to be friends. It appears to be working. I have moments where it's really hard on me. I sometimes wonder if its healthy to try to be friends. Sometimes I just wish I could ask him how he feels about me, have him tell me he could care less about me and maybe that would help. Another part knows he does care about me, not enough to make a relationship between he and I though. So why put that uncomfortableness between the two of us?

This last week I went through a rough time of it. The next post was written during the breakdown of that week. I still have no idea what's going to happen between Latin Lover and I. I think we're on the road to putting our stupidity behind us. My crush is manageable at the moment. He seems to be working things out with his girlfriend. And for now that's what's important.

Random interaction on Lombard Street leaves a lasting impression

So I've been in San Francisco for work this week. I hadn't had much opportunities to go explore the city but last night I went with my friend Northern Cali. Either way, he came up to San Francisco with his girlfriend to hang out with me. We just drove around but ended up on Lombard Street. I am not sure why I felt the need to go but after my interaction I will say I'm so glad to have left San Francisco with this memory.

I got to the bottom of the most famous part of the street and got out of the car to take pics. A guy on a long board came up to me and asked if I saw the interaction between him and a car that just drove by. High as a kite, kept telling me "Happy 420". But he was making me laugh. I listened to his story about him taking his time crossing the street because he was the pedestrian and pedestrians have the right-of-way and how as soon as he got out of the way the car hit the gas and zoomed away obviously peeved he took his time, lol I told him I was taking pictures. He then told me to follow him up the stairs because he had a perfect spot. I was a little hesitant to follow a complete stranger but he was so intriguing. He took his pot pipe out and took a big puff and told me to breath in and he blew the smoke in my face. You would think this would bug me but it didn't.

So we started walking up the stairs back up the street. He asked where I was from and he was totally making fun because he had no idea where that was. Told me he lived on the corner down the bottom of the street. He told me I smelled really good! Then laughed and said well he knew one thing, girls from my area smell really good. And said not to worry he had a girlfriend and wouldn't do anything to me unless I wanted to make out, then he turned and asked, do you want to make out? lol I was just laughing and enjoying every minute of the interaction. He told me to walk up to Montclair street with him and he'd show me the ultimate photo spot. That Montclair was his fathers name. He told me his fathers first name but I didn't remember it. It was such a fast interaction.

We got up to the spot and he had me sit on the step with him. Once sitting we were talking about his experiences living on this street. He took a better look at me and said, damn, you're really beautiful. And it was just so honest and real it was the best compliment I've received in a LONG time. I felt an immediate connection. I think I was almost ready to make out with him. It was odd how comfortable I was with him.

I asked if I could take a picture of him and he wouldn't let me. He told me he'd been in advertising for 15 years and pretty much was retired in San Francisco. I got the impression he must have been famous and didn't want his picture plastered on the web. He said I should let it be what it was, a magical phantom moment we'll have to struggle to remember. And in all honestly I love that we did it that way.

He was pretty cute, in an average guy kind of way. My friend, Northern Cali got nervous I was taking so long so he came up to check on me. I will call this person Lombard St. He was nice and kept him entertained while he pointed out the places I should point to take pics. He also pointed out where Real world San Francisco was, with Puck! And where Marilyn Monroe got married. Told me a beach I should go to but since Northern Cali had specific plans he didn't take notes on where we should go. At one point the interaction seemed like it was going to end, and I really didn't want it to. I really wanted to keep talking to him, I didn't want the moment to end. I don't think he did either. He kept grabbing my hand and saying how nice it was to meet me. And I gave him my business card and told him to contact me. He said he would. I haven't heard from him yet though. I really do hope to though. There was just such an amazing connection between us!

Anyways, we had to go so we were reluctant to say our goodbyes... He said he was going to skate down the street but I kept looking for him and he didn't. But once I got to the bottom I heard him yell down to me, couldn't hear what he said but I know it was my name, and I turned and waved up to the darkness... (sigh) It may not sound like much but it was an incredible moment in time, I guess it had to do with the connection. A connection I hope not to soon forget.

well, well, well...

The Drummer - Well he flaked on me. I called him out on it, not rudely, just told him I was surprised I hadn't heard back from him since we did make plans to hang out. He said he was feeling worn down so he stayed in bed all day, which means he was too drunk to think straight. I had heard he was doing better but for some reason I just have a hard time believing that. He said he was sorry he flaked on me and that he wouldn't make a habit out of it. I think it was for the best. I wasn't doing well yesterday and I think I was too weak to fight any urges.

I had gone to the local bar by his house and my good friend, the girl I clicked with, I guess I can call her bossom buddy lol, well she's the bartender and didn't like that this is the 3rd or 4th time I've stopped by without getting a drink. So I gave in and let her get me a drink. I could tell since it's been so long since I've drank that it affected me big time. I then decided to stop by The Drummer's just down the street but didn't feel comfortable just walking in, so decided to call and he didn't answer so that was my answer. I text him and told him to let me know if he still wanted me to come over and other then replying to my email I sent him, he didn't acknowledge the fact that we had plans.

Further proof he's an ass and I need to keep him out of my life.

Ex - So remember my last post where I mentioned my desire to contact my ex and I was curious about my motives. I knew there was an odd feeling about it. I took some time to think about it. When I realized what my motives were I got angry, not at him or necessarily at myself, but more the situation.

I feel the reason behind me wanting to reach out to my Ex is because he's the last person that I ever felt TRULY loved me. Who wanted to be with me, who wanted me to be happy, who loved me for everything that I was, good and bad. That was what? Over four years ago? I've dated A LOT since then and he's the last guy I can honestly say genuinely cared about me? Yeah, you can now understand why I got frustrated and a bit discouraged.

That mixed in with my disappointment that The Drummer never contacted me, and still wondering how I could have mistaken the connection between the Setup and myself. I just kinda lost it on the whole dating front. I was pissed.

I went over to my parents for prayer group and no one else showed up so we spent the evening talking about where I was at emotionally. Oddly my dad was impressed with my maturity in realizing the true feelings behind wanting to contact the Ex. I am still surprised he thought that was mature when I felt foolish when I realized what the truth was behind why I wanted to contact him. I discussed my desire to stay on track. Not to lose sight of the goal to stay righteous.

My mom shared with me on Friday that temptation will come but it's all about whether or not I go forward in it. This has helped quite a bit because I get flashbacks of me and The Drummer because lets face it, sex was fantastic with him. Part of me wonders if I'll ever be able to match it. I know if I hold off on having sex again for a VERY long time, then get married it should change it for me because the person I'm with is in love with me. The bummer is, now I have experienced amazing sex. Ugh...

So anyways, I'm really trying to stay on track, to be a good girl. I was frustrated that I got a little excited about hanging out with The Drummer. Then I felt an odd sense of rejection yet again. Then I realized it's God's protection. He knew I wasn't strong enough to hold up against the desire. And I'm glad now I didn't see The Drummer. I will see him in 2 days at the St Patrick's Day show. I will take pics. I will go home because I have to work the next day. I will be safe!

After talking to my parents I felt better. I let go of my frustrations with The Drummer. I now knew I could NOT contact my Ex for any reason. I felt like it was time to make sure things were ok with The Actor now too.

The Actor - So I sent an email to him shortly after my email to The Drummer. I went to bed and woke up to a message from him. It was sweet. He asked if my ears were ringing again because I had been on his mind. He agreed to having a great time. He said something only slightly confusing "wish we had better circumstances, but for how it worked.. I was glad we had a little fun time... " I'm not sure if he's referring to the fact that he has a girlfriend or to the fact that the second night didn't go too well. Maybe everything. Maybe he wouldn't have minded more time with just me. I don't know. But I am glad that things are still cool between us. He's a cool guy. And though I may have not been extremely attracted to him, I'm now looking at him with more admiring eyes. I guess sleeping with someone will do that to ya. I guess it's good that I'm not fully callused from having sex with guys that I don't really love.

The Setup - So my day has been going well. I was in good spirits at work. Energetic and productive. I was enjoying my time working late with no one else in the office when he called! The setup finally called! I wasn't ready to answer the call so I let him leave a message. He wanted to meet for coffee this week. He was cutely flustered on the voicemail. I called him back after a few minutes. We pretty much set it up for Sunday but he will call me Thursday or Friday to set firm plans. I'm actually VERY surprised he called. Pleasantly surprised though. I will be curious as to what comes of all this.

Well I need to go to bed... Goodnight strange world

What the?!

So The Drummer has suddenly taken an interest in me again. Why all the sudden? I have no idea. But this week he's been calling a lot! One night it was 4 times. Last night he called me at midnight. Then this morning. He's asked me to come over and help him with his computer. I'm scared about going over there. I also feel like it's a good thing. He's hinted at noticing my lack of interest in hanging out. At the time he mentioned it I wasn't prepared to answer with the truth, I just told him I was working a lot. (sigh) Why couldn't I tell him? As soon as I got off the phone I realized I've shot myself in the foot. I mean I can tell him but I've lost the seriousness of his behavior. I do plan on being honest if I get the chance.

I was teasing him tonight and he suddenly dropped offline so now I'm concerned. Oh well... I'm still not sure it's wise to go over to his place at all, daytime or not!

The Setup - Well I definitely was right not to use the term "the one"! He has yet to contact me since our first meeting last Sunday. He told our mutual friend that he planned to text me and I haven't heard anything from him. I'm not totally writing him off, I mean it could be a new friend to talk to about the woes of Christians in the dating world. But at this point, I'm not holding my breath either. It's obvious he's (as they say) just not that into me! I am surprised he put on such a good show though. Why act the way he did if he wasn't all that interested? Oh well. Moving on...

The Actor - I've been thinking a lot about him. Not sure how to address the situation. I have some cute pics of us from his time here. I will post them but he's made it clear he doesn't want me to tag him in the photos. I'm guessing he didn't tell his girlfriend he was hanging out with chicks while he was down here.

I've been struggling not emailing my Ex this week. I don't know why he's been on my mind so much. I haven't heard from him since I met his wife at the reunion dinner in December. Part of me wonders if his wife told him she didn't want him contacting me anymore. I mean I knew she always had an issue with my ex and I staying in communication but it's just been an odd length of silence. I usually hear from him by now. I'm tempted to let him know about my brothers surgery, but then I am afraid of causing problems. Then I wonder what's my motivation for contacting him? Is it really all that healthy?

Anyways, I'm not sure how I feel about men these days. First Kiss sent me a couple sweet random texts last week. It's like, the moment I made the choice to avoid non-christian guys they came a running, and the one christian guy I met doesn't seem to want anything to do with me. Annoying! How can I stay on track and be a good girl if all I have coming after me are the bad boys?

We'll see how well I do. I have every intention of NOT sleeping with The Drummer when I go over there tomorrow. Well technically today. I really should be sleeping because its daylight savings and I'm losing an hour.

Goodnight

Recent Activity

I have no idea where to start. I guess I'll update on The Drummer.

The Drummer - We had an extremely intimate night in early February a week or so prior to his birthday with was February 13th. One where I was considering the possibility of a relationship very likely. But of course, the moment that evening/morning was over I didn't hear from him for a week.

I wasn't going to make a big deal out of his birthday. I decided to stop by the local bar he frequents because I assumed he'd be partying it up. I was right. I showed up early enough that I thought I'd give him my birthday wishes and head home. But as soon as I got there he asked me to take him home. He was beyond drunk. It was odd, he had a rough day and of course I was the person next to him so he took his frustrations out on me.

The night was not good. He was cruel, harsh and rude... Saying that he agreed we had an extremely intimate night but that's all it was. That he didn't love me, he didn't have any feelings for me. Then two hours later after sobering up a bit became horny. In the moment he started pursuing me for sex, I had enough wits to say it wasn't a good idea especially since I was the one who had my feelings involved. He then acknowledged this and yet still kept pursuing and I, of course, couldn't help myself and had sex with him.

It wasn't until the next morning that I woke up and felt completely and utterly disgusted and angry with myself and at him for taking advantage of me. I cried bitter tears. And in that moment my heart was changed.

I decided at that point I wouldn't ever put myself in that situation again. I realized I had fallen for him and needed to keep my distance. He wasn't healthy for me. I was hurt. I felt foolish. Even now, after a few weeks I can't help but shake my head at my foolishness. And for the first time since I've made the decision to stay away I feel a twinge of pain, a sting in my eyes, like I want to cry but he's not worth it. I don't even know if my tears would be for him, or more for my shame.

So as it stands I haven't contacted him since February 14th of all days. He has text me a couple times, but I think he realizes that I'm avoiding him. He hasn't even made any attempt to find out whats wrong.

I will be seeing him March 17th. So it'll be interesting to see how he relates to me. Oh I did see him the 26th. I was walking to get the mail at my work and he happened to be going to the salon where my sister works and saw me. He honked and I went over to say hi. He seemed in a weird state. I was casual and was surprised to see him but decided it's further proof I need to keep him out of my life.

I wonder at times if he's curious. Part of me knows he wonders what happened, or maybe he knows exactly what happened. I'd like to think he regrets his behavior but then again another part of me realizes that's just wishful thinking.

So moving on...

The Actor - So as I wrote the above something hit me about my behavior with The Actor. I think maybe the reason I behaved like I did was because I still feel a bit cheap about the whole situation with The Drummer. Maybe I just didn't care anymore for that timeframe.

Let me explain. The Actor came down from Oregon for a week. We set up a photoshoot to get him some updated headshots. We joked about hooking up when he was down here. And well it happened. We were shooting in Santa Monica, and he planned on coming home with me so he could see some of his old friends.

I honestly wasn't sure what to expect. I put him in my office. We took a drive and he asked me if he was in the doghouse for some reason since he wasn't spending the night in my room. I told him honestly I wasn't sure how he felt. I mean we had chemistry online and when we were shooting I didn't get any particular vibe that he was into me. He said it was because so many people were around and he had actually hoped I would be going down solo. So we talked about things, I admitted I wasn't sure where I stood yet. I was definitely tempted but that I knew he had a girlfriend and felt awkward about that.

Yes, I slept with a man that had a girlfriend. Ugh... Anyways, so we get back to my place and we're looking through his pics of the day. He starts giving me a back rub and well you can guess where that led. We made our way to my room and we had sex. I was kind of shocked with my behavior. The sex was alright, he was definitely awesome with oral. But the sex just didn't do it for me. I realized at that point that The Drummer had ruined me, for a while at least. That I would need to not have sex again for a LONG time to even somewhat enjoy it without thinking of The Drummer and my experiences.

I woke up the next morning and we both got ready for church. I felt no remorse or guilt over my actions at that point. We spent the day hanging out and only got a chance to visit one or two people. I drove him back down to his friends in Sherman Oaks and it was already arranged that I would be spending the night. Of course, he was all about having sex again. And I guess because I felt like I had already gone there why not again. Though this time wasn't as good. In fact, he was a bit of a selfish bastard and didn't even make sure I was taken care of.

I confronted him on this and he at first was very surprised and even called me high maintenance to which I laughed and said how is it high maintenance to expect to orgasm? I asked if it was his practice to sleep with women and not care whether or not they had experienced an orgasm. I told him I knew what this was, that I wasn't expected that he care about me like a girlfriend but to at least care enough that I would cum too. He felt like crap I could tell. He said he would try and I laughed and told him there was no way I was in the mood now. Though I was proud of myself for calling him out on his shit. And if other women have experienced it, I don't think he's ever been called out on it.

We ended on a good note. I was pleasantly surprised. No I did not do anything more sexually with him other then a nice kiss goodbye in the morning. We text a few more times while he was down here in California but I haven't heard from him since he went home. I see he cleaned up his facebook which seems a bit odd to me. But I'm curious to how our friendship is going to be after this.

The Setup - I'm half tempted to call him The One... But I know that's silly and childish. It's been a rough couple of weeks. Emotionally dealing with my behavior and the realization of my behavior sinking in. I have since rededicated myself to purity. The fact that I was so callused when having sex with The Actor, it freaked me out. I really had to dig deep to feel any kind of remorse for my actions and that's even worse. That's why when I was writing the above about The Drummer and realized I felt a sting of tears coming on, I think it hit me then that I really was impacted by how pathetic I felt that night with him.

So I've been a fool. I have officially slept with 4 men in my life. Two within two weeks of eachother and that makes me feel disgusting. And worse yet, I now get to start talking about The Setup.

He's someone a friend has been trying to hook me up with for the last two years. He's really shy and well I guess two years ago, right when she was going to give him my information he started seeing someone. Well about a month and a half ago she's been bringing me up again. She gave him my number, gave me his number and asked if I'd be cool with him texting me first till he feels more comfortable. I said that was fine but he didn't like that. He decided to wait to meet in person and said he'd come to a worship concert at my church to meet me. I wasn't able to make it to the February one, so we me this last sunday for the first time.

I feel silly because there was a moment early on where I eyes locked and it felt like everything else went away. Normally I can't deal with eye contact that intense and turn away. But there was something about this that I couldn't help myself.

He's very attractive. He's tall and skinny like I like em. He seemed to have an immediate attraction to me as well. I was busy helping to set up and I would look up to catch him staring. We talked with ease. He's an interesting person. He's been raised in a Christian home just like me.

It wasn't until my best friend came up to me and mentioned The Actor's name that I suddenly was hit with an overwhelming sense of unworthiness. Like he was too good for me. Here I was sleeping around with guys in steady relationships and he's being a good Christian guy. How could he possibly like me. I know that in itself is cliche and I did my best to fight the lie.

I was very interested by the end of the night. He asked me if I'd like to go out for coffee sometime and I said absolutely. I asked if he had my number and he told me he got it from Rashaell and mumbled something about not having his phone with him. We said our goodbyes, and he went over to our mutual friend to say goodnight. Apparently when he did he thanked her with excitement and she felt that was his way of letting her know he was very happy he had agreed to let us meet.

So I woke up this morning immediately thinking about the gaze. The moment we were staring into each other's eyes and everything else slipped away for a few moments. I then let my mind wonder... I could see myself in a relationship with him. A comfortable, casual but committed relationship.

I feel silly. Why am I thinking this? Is it because this is the first Christian, good looking, single guy I've met in like forever? Or is this because this could be something? I guess we'll have to wait and see. I've been praying and trying to hand it over to God.

But writing this post has made me doubt that God could bless me after my behavior for the last few months. Yes, I've asked for genuine forgiveness. Have made the commitment to purity. I've even been wearing a ring on my ring finger as a symbol to remind me of that commitment. Now meeting The Setup... I am more determined then ever to keep my purity intact from this point forward.

Junior - Ironic that Junior would text me today and tell me he was jealous of The Setup. He was at the worship concert and knew I was being setup and when he saw the guy and saw how interested I was, he felt jealous. I laughed because he and I haven't talked much lately, he seems majorly committed to his girlfriend the last few months. We haven't done much flirting at all till today. But I feel right now especially I need to be cautious of temptation. The enemy doesn't want me to succeed now that I've made a serious committment. He will try to throw things at me. I need to stand my ground.

Well it's late and I'm zoning. I should probably get to sleep. Hopefully my next post will be more positive and I'll have heard from the Setup! :)

January 21st, 2010

This was last updated on January 21st so I'm posting it now... Oh boy has everything changed!!!!

The Drummer - I have no idea what to share. The Drummer and I were pretty distant for the first few weeks of the year. I kept my distance and he would actually text me if he hadn't heard from me in a few days. I went through the emotional ups and downs but never felt truly sad about what was going on between us, or I should say the lack of anything.

I prepped myself for the show on the 15th as the next time I'd see him. I expected to be ignored. And also prepped myself to say no to sex. I wasn't sure what to expect. But when I got there I saw him and waved. He came over to give me a hug and I was surprised he apologized for not making it over sooner. He was nice all night but nothing major. I was busy takin pics and talking to all sorts of people that were there. It was super crowed but SOO much fun! It was everything I prepared myself for. I really wanted a night to let loose and have a good time hangin out and listening to good music.

Side Note: I was surprised that First Kiss was showing me so much attention. He sent me a picture text of himself saying hi and that he would see me at the show. I sent him a picture of myself back and the flirting began. When I saw him at the show I was super excited he was there. He was totally flirty and everything. He asked me to go to a masquerade ball on Valentines Day and I told him sure why not.

One thing about this last time The Drummer and I screwed up is I am not insecure about where I stand. Maybe I'm just used to the concept that he's not in love with me but we're sleeping together? I had a text conversation with Computer Geek about that and I could tell he didn't like that idea for me. It's sweet that he cares about me that much. But right now I am having a hard time keeping away from the Drummer.

Hmm... interesting development... The Drummers band just got booked for a last minute show. His friend whom I totally adore asked me if I was going. She wanted to know if we wanted to ride together. I haven't heard from the band so I don't know if or why I haven't been invited. I'm feeling a tad odd. Should I go? Should I not? Now that I know the Drummer hasn't contacted me should I think he doesn't want me there? hmmm... what to do? I'll be really hurt if he doesn't contact me. :( sigh... why did this have to come out right before I have to go to bed. Ugh!

Well the above was written wow a while ago... It sucks that I don't have a time stamp. But I'm gonna say the 22nd. After I logged off the computer I decided to call the Drummer and give him shit for me having to hear about the show from someone else. His excuse... He sent out a forward text and wasn't going to send me one of those. He was going to let me know about it personally but that he just hadn't had a chance to think let alone make a call or text for me personally. It was a fun, teasing conversation and I told him I'd try to make it.

The next day he text me the forward and I gave him shit for it. He told me to call him on my break, I was a conference for the church. One of the reasons I wasn't sure I'd be able to make it to the show. I got home earlier then expected. I also got a text from The Drummer letting me know he put me on the guest list. At this point I knew I had to go.

I told my brother that I was going to a last minute show of the Drummers other band and very surprisingly he said, so that means you aren't going to be home tonight? I was taken back by the statement but then thought about the reality of it. I told him I couldn't say one way or the other. I decided to text the Drummer and ask if I was spending the night and I never got a reply. I found out later he was about to reply that he didn't think it was a good idea but decided against it.

The show went well. The Drummer was in a really good mood though I didn't get a chance to hang out with him that much. It wasn't until the end of the night that somehow we had decided I was driving him home because The Bassist had too much to drink and I was attempting to take them both home but it didn't work out. I'm sure he was still unsure of whether or not he wanted me to spend the night.

His friend was with us. She was debating on joining us but I think she realized we kind of wanted to be alone. She lives close to the Drummer and I had to pick her up for the show so I dropped her off. She and I had made plans to meet the next day for lunch. She's super cool and I totally love her. I had an immediate connection with her when I met her at on December 11th.