I went to bed last night feeling unfullfilled. I had a night planned with friends and was looking forward to it since it has been so long. I ditched a meeting just for the occasion that we could all hang out on this one night. I went and it was not what I had hoped. Yes we laughed, yes we hung out, but no I did not feel fullfilled. I went to bed struggling, wondering why I was so frustrated.
I say all that to say that it wasn't like I had spiritual things on my mind when going to bed. I then had the following dream.
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I was alone in a living room and I walked up to this large bay window over looking our valley, where I live. I had an overwhelming sense of concern for the people. I knelt down and could hear the other prayers of the saints, "come down Lord", "change our hearts", "bring life to this place", "rivive us". These were faint but audible. The urge to pray was in my heart. I was kneeling looking out across the tops of the houses and with a ferverent heart I spoke these words,"I pray for revival" and as I did the audible voices spoke them in unison with me. Suddenly a large beam came down and an shock wave burst from that middle point. It was like an explosion. I could see the wave coming to me. It passed through me and continued on and immediately I was covered in chills. My heart knew and rejoiced that God was here! He came! He was flooding the valley!
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I woke up with chills. I knew this was from God. He was confirming in my heart that I was to be involved in prayer for revival! I knew I was to remember this and share it with my church. It was exciting. Even now talking about it I get all excited and overwhelmed! He is coming! Revival is coming!
Saturday, April 23, 2005
Friday, April 22, 2005
T.G.I.F.
So I've been meaning to write. I've been needing to write. A lot is going on right now. It's Friday and I'm in a goofy mood! I ended up coming back to work last night because the freeway was packed due to a camper fire and my normal 45 min drive would have been 3+ hours... So I decided to turn around and go back to work and do something productive for those 3 hours. I realized I could then come in late today.
Man, there is something about waking up after the sun that feels TOTALLY refreshing! It's still early enough to feel like you can have a productive day but it's amazing how refreshed I feel! So I got to work 2 hours later then normal and I'm in such a good mood! :D What a great way to start the weekend!!
Things have been interesting. Work has been good. But I have a lot of negativity around me from my coworkers. I haven't been helping them any. I become just as negative. I remember listening to my teacher wednesday night and he stated that we shouldn't live like others. People that don't have Christ should be able to see a difference in me, my life, my responses. Man I've heard that so many times but that night it struck a deep chord. People aren't able to see much difference in me and how I live my life or how I respond to things. Not that I've done too much to change but I'm more aware of it and that's the start of the battle...
The new programmer at work has become a new friend. He has helped keep me preoccupied so I'm not only focused on my ex at work. I now have someone else I can go to lunch with or chat with throughout the work day. I don't believe he has any interest in me romantically (nor I in him) but he shows an interest in me. He is very attentive to what I say and seems to include me. It has been a pleasant distraction. He is Buddhist so we can't relate on the spiritual level but I've been able to ask him questions about it. It has been interesting.
I spoke with an old boyfriend the other night. He is the one that hurt me the most. I feel bad for him. He has a serious heart disease that might take his life. The doctors don't know what else to do for him. They are trying to stop the deterioration but at this point the damage is done. I would have thought when he originally told me he was lying as usual if I hadn't heard from my brother-in-law that he saw his xrays at the hospital and it's a severe case. I can't remember what it's called though. Anyways, I talked to him and it was actually nice. I lost my resentment of him a long time ago. But we have not kept in contact either. Before I knew it I was inviting him to come to my church and say hi to everyone. Now I'm afraid he might actually take me up on the offer. He sounded as if he was hoping I'd ask but that he was worried how people would respond to him because of how badly he hurt me. He's afraid of my dad because during our breakup he said some pretty horrible things about me to my dad. To this day I have no idea what all he told my dad, my dad just told me it was a VERY good thing he was out of my life. Either way we will see. He may never come to church. But this sunday I might be checking the door every so often. hehe
Well I'm taking too much time. I will try to write more later.
Man, there is something about waking up after the sun that feels TOTALLY refreshing! It's still early enough to feel like you can have a productive day but it's amazing how refreshed I feel! So I got to work 2 hours later then normal and I'm in such a good mood! :D What a great way to start the weekend!!
Things have been interesting. Work has been good. But I have a lot of negativity around me from my coworkers. I haven't been helping them any. I become just as negative. I remember listening to my teacher wednesday night and he stated that we shouldn't live like others. People that don't have Christ should be able to see a difference in me, my life, my responses. Man I've heard that so many times but that night it struck a deep chord. People aren't able to see much difference in me and how I live my life or how I respond to things. Not that I've done too much to change but I'm more aware of it and that's the start of the battle...
The new programmer at work has become a new friend. He has helped keep me preoccupied so I'm not only focused on my ex at work. I now have someone else I can go to lunch with or chat with throughout the work day. I don't believe he has any interest in me romantically (nor I in him) but he shows an interest in me. He is very attentive to what I say and seems to include me. It has been a pleasant distraction. He is Buddhist so we can't relate on the spiritual level but I've been able to ask him questions about it. It has been interesting.
I spoke with an old boyfriend the other night. He is the one that hurt me the most. I feel bad for him. He has a serious heart disease that might take his life. The doctors don't know what else to do for him. They are trying to stop the deterioration but at this point the damage is done. I would have thought when he originally told me he was lying as usual if I hadn't heard from my brother-in-law that he saw his xrays at the hospital and it's a severe case. I can't remember what it's called though. Anyways, I talked to him and it was actually nice. I lost my resentment of him a long time ago. But we have not kept in contact either. Before I knew it I was inviting him to come to my church and say hi to everyone. Now I'm afraid he might actually take me up on the offer. He sounded as if he was hoping I'd ask but that he was worried how people would respond to him because of how badly he hurt me. He's afraid of my dad because during our breakup he said some pretty horrible things about me to my dad. To this day I have no idea what all he told my dad, my dad just told me it was a VERY good thing he was out of my life. Either way we will see. He may never come to church. But this sunday I might be checking the door every so often. hehe
Well I'm taking too much time. I will try to write more later.
Monday, April 11, 2005
Been Busy
So I've been really busy the last couple weeks. My brothers family came out and we had a wonderful family time. I took off from work a lot and spent some quality time with the neices and nephews and the rest of the fam. It's always so nice to be with family!
This week I have felt that I've been recooperating from something. Not sure what all took place or if I'm just fighting a cold... But it's been pretty hectic and I've felt like all I do is get up, get ready, rush to work, work the best I can, leave, drive home, eat, pick up books for whatever evening project I'm working on (weight loss group, youthgroup, class, etc), get home, get ready for bed and do it all over again. This is my Monday - Thursday. Thursday evenings I usually can relax for myself unless work needs overtime, then Thursdays are my days for overtime. Every-other-friday is devoted to a church meeting now. So I guess in a way I've felt overwhelmed. But this weekend I literally laid in bed all day! I had a huge migraine and it took most of the day to calm down. Sunday though I got a lot accomplished in my room. I unpacked one of my final boxes and have only one big box left. I have boxes of paperwork after that to finish the job. I got lamps hung up so that was a relief...
So after all that. I am still struggling with my ex, who told me that after listening to old messages from the girl got all choked up and has been depressed all weekend. I am sitting here trying to wonder how a barely dating relationship could cause that. So I asked the question... Did any physical affection happen. He didn't want to tell me. Which basically answered my question. But finally he said that they had kissed and held hands. This was hard to hear. My heart was pounding and I was immediately choked up. I gulped down and started looking at it as his friend. I immediately felt horrible for him. I immediately was upset at this girl who kissed him, held his hand and then suddenly stopped and even asked him to stop asking her to do things without any explanation as to why accept she was uncomfortable because their families were so close.
It hurts. I mean he was my first everything. It's hard to imagine going and kissing on someone else right now. So it's hard for me to comprehend him moving on so quickly. But that's how men are. It was just a little sad that he was so broken up about her when all they did was kiss and hold hands. But then again he's never been alone. He went from one girl to the next and this is the longest he's been without someone. I'm sure he put a lot of hope in those kisses. I do feel bad for him.
I am bummed. Though it puts further closure to our relationship. Sadly he's called me a lot this weekend. Every time I felt distant and wondered why he was calling when all he was doing was being miserable about the girl. But then when I would feel like something I said sounded too mean I wanted to make sure he was ok with me. I don't want to walk away just because he kissed the girl. I mean yes, we have a history, yes he is the only person I've had sex with, yes I gave him more of my heart then most, but sadly I have to move on. There is no hope for our future other then friends.
I keep thinking back to my sister who told me how she didn't know how she could go on seeing her first around town. She said she believed God took him away because He knew she couldn't handle it. How is this going to work for me? I see him every day at work! How am I going to handle this? It's painful at times. And yet at times its easy because he and I hid our relationship from the office for so long, it's easy to pretend we're nothing more then friends.
Yet how can he be so over me and so worked up about this girl? I haven't kissed anyone since him. I have had attractions to other men but nothing has surfaced. Maybe I would feel different if I had someone that was a possibility.
So now what I have to do is just realize that God has something else out there for me. I'm strong enough to not only be on my own, but to see the man who I lost my virginity with every weekday! That has to be a strong person indeed that can do that. But yet it's been done all the time. I am unsure of where our friendship will go from here. I feel a seperation happening. I'm less concerned about his feelings. I'm less worried about what he's doing. This whole thing with this girl really helped me let go of him. I mean he will ALWAYS have a part of my heart... and right now it's a large part of my heart. But I'm alone. I need to be ok with that and KNOW that I made the right decision. There is someone out there that will bring me closer to God. Who will help me grow spiritually.
Well I gotta go.
This week I have felt that I've been recooperating from something. Not sure what all took place or if I'm just fighting a cold... But it's been pretty hectic and I've felt like all I do is get up, get ready, rush to work, work the best I can, leave, drive home, eat, pick up books for whatever evening project I'm working on (weight loss group, youthgroup, class, etc), get home, get ready for bed and do it all over again. This is my Monday - Thursday. Thursday evenings I usually can relax for myself unless work needs overtime, then Thursdays are my days for overtime. Every-other-friday is devoted to a church meeting now. So I guess in a way I've felt overwhelmed. But this weekend I literally laid in bed all day! I had a huge migraine and it took most of the day to calm down. Sunday though I got a lot accomplished in my room. I unpacked one of my final boxes and have only one big box left. I have boxes of paperwork after that to finish the job. I got lamps hung up so that was a relief...
So after all that. I am still struggling with my ex, who told me that after listening to old messages from the girl got all choked up and has been depressed all weekend. I am sitting here trying to wonder how a barely dating relationship could cause that. So I asked the question... Did any physical affection happen. He didn't want to tell me. Which basically answered my question. But finally he said that they had kissed and held hands. This was hard to hear. My heart was pounding and I was immediately choked up. I gulped down and started looking at it as his friend. I immediately felt horrible for him. I immediately was upset at this girl who kissed him, held his hand and then suddenly stopped and even asked him to stop asking her to do things without any explanation as to why accept she was uncomfortable because their families were so close.
It hurts. I mean he was my first everything. It's hard to imagine going and kissing on someone else right now. So it's hard for me to comprehend him moving on so quickly. But that's how men are. It was just a little sad that he was so broken up about her when all they did was kiss and hold hands. But then again he's never been alone. He went from one girl to the next and this is the longest he's been without someone. I'm sure he put a lot of hope in those kisses. I do feel bad for him.
I am bummed. Though it puts further closure to our relationship. Sadly he's called me a lot this weekend. Every time I felt distant and wondered why he was calling when all he was doing was being miserable about the girl. But then when I would feel like something I said sounded too mean I wanted to make sure he was ok with me. I don't want to walk away just because he kissed the girl. I mean yes, we have a history, yes he is the only person I've had sex with, yes I gave him more of my heart then most, but sadly I have to move on. There is no hope for our future other then friends.
I keep thinking back to my sister who told me how she didn't know how she could go on seeing her first around town. She said she believed God took him away because He knew she couldn't handle it. How is this going to work for me? I see him every day at work! How am I going to handle this? It's painful at times. And yet at times its easy because he and I hid our relationship from the office for so long, it's easy to pretend we're nothing more then friends.
Yet how can he be so over me and so worked up about this girl? I haven't kissed anyone since him. I have had attractions to other men but nothing has surfaced. Maybe I would feel different if I had someone that was a possibility.
So now what I have to do is just realize that God has something else out there for me. I'm strong enough to not only be on my own, but to see the man who I lost my virginity with every weekday! That has to be a strong person indeed that can do that. But yet it's been done all the time. I am unsure of where our friendship will go from here. I feel a seperation happening. I'm less concerned about his feelings. I'm less worried about what he's doing. This whole thing with this girl really helped me let go of him. I mean he will ALWAYS have a part of my heart... and right now it's a large part of my heart. But I'm alone. I need to be ok with that and KNOW that I made the right decision. There is someone out there that will bring me closer to God. Who will help me grow spiritually.
Well I gotta go.
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