Ok... what now?

So Happy Easter! I've shared a wonderful day with my family! Laughed so hard I cried a bunch of different times. Had meaningful conversations with relatives far away. Genuinely feeling good about life.

I struggled letting go of my ex's date yesterday. I went to sleep and woke up a bunch of times last night, it wasn't the first or only thing on my mind, but sometimes it was. I woke up extra early to do all the extras for getting ready for easter sunday. Everyone always dresses up extra special on Easter Sunday. I was complimented a lot today but for some reason I just didn't feel all that pretty.

I hoped to hear from my ex after church and anxiously waited to hear that the date went wonderfully and they are setting a wedding date. ;) But when I did hear from my ex, I wished him a Happy Easter and tried really hard not to ask the most important question. He saw right through it and told me he had a good time and they talked about a future but she didn't feel that way about him! My mouth dropped! How could that be!? She was giving all the signals! The only thing I didn't know was her vibe while spending time with him. So I honestly felt horrible for him. I felt like when I said I was sorry he didn't believe me! I felt like no matter what I could say he was crushed. All day I've been reliving all the things he's said. I GENUINELY thought she was going to get involved with him. I'm still not sure why and how that didn't happen! He was VERY down and I felt even worse because I had to tell him that I had to go because my family was sitting down at the table to eat our easter dinner. He said he would call when he was done with his family too.

Well as I wrote that my ex called. He was quiet and just listening to me explain about my weekend. I tried to keep the conversation going, asked if he wanted me to just let him veg and get his mind off things but he kept me on the phone for a few short moments and then said he needed to go.

I told him about my whole busy/productive day yesterday and especially about the secret that only he and my other best friend know about, my brother and his whole family coming out to surprise my parents and my sisters family. Having the family together today made it really hard to not say how wonderful it will be in a couple days when the ENTIRE family will be together. We even called my brothers family and I had to sympathize with the family when finishing phone calls about how wonderful it would be when we can finally afford to help them all come out. And now that we've missed the girls spring break it will have to be in the summer, etc. It was so hard to not shout out that they would be here in just a few hours! 24 + hours but still! I've kept this secret for TOO long. I can't wait now that the time is drawing nearer. I have to figure out some particulars but for the most part it's coming together.

Well I need to go.

It's tough getting used to it...

So all week I've been doing really good about my ex. He's been cool with me. I can tell he's nervous about the girl returning his feelings. I think because he's so used to seeing me daily and calling eachother multiple times a day that having a new person that he doesn't work with and may not be used to talking to someone daily is making him think she doesn't care. I, of course, having a female view on things can tell otherwise. A woman with a child has to be extra cautious when dating men because it's not just her heart she has to be protective over, her childs will be impacted just as much. But the fact that she has done what she's done so far means that she is interested in him in return. Otherwise she wouldn't have just stopped by after a party in his area or made plans to go with him today to Palm Springs. But I of course keep my mouth shut about my views, because first of all I don't want to lead him to believe something that is possibly not true. And I also don't want to be the one he goes to about these things. I get the information he tells me and give my vague answers and be done with it.

The thing is I've been fine. I mean I even wished him well the other day and even meant it! It felt great! But today, knowing that they are out together, and wondering what vibe she's giving him, whether his feelings for her are being affirmed tonight... Man it's killing me! I've done everything I could today to keep busy. Went out shopping for an easter outfit, picked up some odds and ends along the way. Watched a movie with my mom. Went into my room to clean it for tomorrow and have been extremely productive! Yet the later it gets the more and more uneasy my stomach gets. And I'm not even sure my ex would call and tell me how it went! Yet I'm expecting him to... why!? So I'm trying to prepare myself for the fact that I may not talk to him at all tonight! And for some reason I'm anxious. Well I shouldn't say for some reason. Of course I'm anxious. But what do I expect? Him to call me and tell me his fears were true, that she didn't like him in that way? Or do I expect him to call me and tell me how wonderful his night was and how she finally admitted her feelings for him? Either way I need to let it go and it's sooooo frustrating.

So there you go... this is me putting it out there and being done with it. I can't let it eat me up inside. I need to enjoy my evening and realize that I have a future and a hope in Christ Jesus!

Nite

A new day

So Sunday night was a heart breaker for me. I ended up being emotional all night about everything. I called my ex and just told him how much I appreciated his kindness in my life (per my dads recommendation since I broke it off with him). But when I didn't get a call that night I felt foolish for leaving that message. I wished I could take it back and tell him when he decided to talk to me. But I went to bed at a decent hour and got up still emotional. I went to work knowing it was going to be a rough day especially since this was the first day I'd see him after he told me about his intentions with this girl. It was awkward and I was upset at not getting a call but we talked it out. He said I told him I would need my space and so he felt the message was just me just letting go of some feelings.

At some point in the conversation I felt a lightbulb come on and it was over. The emotional turmoil, the heartache, everything suddenly went calm and I was ok.. And I've been ok since. It's odd. I still wish I could remember what happened. Or how and what was said. But I can't. I'm suddenly ok. I'm not thrilled but I'm not emotional about it either. The feeling of betrayal went away. I don't feel resentment towards him at all! I know my dad was praying for me so my guess is somewhere in there God just picked me up and kept me going.

My ex and I were fine from that point on. I apologized for over-reacting. He told me he was going to dinner with the girl and I was ok with it. All night I was ok with it! Even after work I was ok with it. I was home on the internet and one of his friends needed my ex's cell number and then told me when he called my ex he was "out visiting a friend". I knew what that meant. I knew he was with her and I was ok with it. The person online doesn't know my ex is starting to see someone else so he didn't tell me for any other reason then saying "bummer now I don't have someone to go to dinner with." It felt good that I was ok with it. I'm glad for the strength that I feel God has been giving me since that moment.

The twist...

I get a call an hour later from my ex! He sounds down. He skirts the subject of the girl. He mumbles something about not being sure he wants to ask her out. And I'm trying not to pry because it's not something he should be leaning on me for advice for. I ask if he would like to talk about anything, he says no. I tell him about my evening which was full of interesting activities and some things that my ex was surprised to find out, but my response was that he has been preoccupied and we haven't spent a lot of time talking. I am in the middle of working for my brother and so I let him go.

Now.... I'm confused. I mean not that I am gonna try to get him back or anything. But my girlish curiosity is dying to know what took place that caused him to be so down, and why would he suddenly doubt his desire to want to make a relationship with this girl?

Anyways ... gotta go...

I talked to my dad

So I talked to my dad today. It really helped. I was struggling today more-so then yesterday about my ex. I was feeling like he must not have cared to be able to move on so quickly. My dad set those fears aside by informing me that he believed my ex gave me as much of his heart as a man could. And then informed me that men are different then women. It stated with Adam and Eve that the woman's heart would be for her husband and he would rule over her. God did not say that a man's heart would be to his wife. It doesn't mean that men would not love their wives, but men don't give as much of their heart as we women do. It helped a lot. I was feeling like I had wasted my time caring for someone that did not care for me as much. I was feeling a bit foolish as well. My dad said though that from what he could tell my ex was enamored by me. And that it was a huge blow when I broke up with him. It helped me to realize that though he's moving on he did in fact care at some point. It is just easier for him to let go then it is for me because I gave my heart and a woman's heart is for her husband. That's why the bible is very clear about women guarding their hearts because we need to save it for our husbands only.

So I feel more confident that I will be able to be strong and know that yes, things between my ex and I will permanently change, but that I was loved by him. He is such a good person. And has always given me anything he could. I guess I am sad that I will no longer have that kindness directed towards me. But I will need to move on.

Thanks daddy for being there for me. It means the world to me. Your comfort and support. I love you!

It's Official

My ex has decided to ask a girl to be his girlfriend. The irony is, yes it hurts, my heart hurts like hell, but I'm relieved. Like I'm finally being told the truth. I knew apparently before he did that he was having strong feelings for this girl and I was sooo frustrated that he wasn't admitting to it! We had plenty of fights over it. And when he called today he said he expected me to hang up on him. But that's the odd part. I had no intention of hanging up on him. I was just thankful that he was telling me the truth! I realize now though the pain of letting go of a companion. Someone that I can share everything with. That can no longer be the case. I will have to distance myself from him all-together. I'm afraid to face him at work. This week its been easy to deal with my feelings towards him because he's out of sight out of mind. I knew when he got back from this trip he would tell me he had feelings for this girl. I was completely prepared for it. The reality is the painful part. I have no one to call for every little thing anymore. But I, unlike him, have been alone for lengths of time. I'm ok with being alone. He is not. So good for him. He found someone. I will wait it out. I will enjoy my time and continue on my path in life. Part of me is on the verge of tears, the other part is strong and ready to move ahead.

So here I go... moving ahead...

Letting Go

Why is it so hard to let go of my ex-boyfriend? And at what point do you force yourself not to spend any time with him? I'm finding this extremely difficult since we work together. My friends are his friends. They were his friends first and therefore would be back to only being his friends if what it took to let him go was not spend any time with him. This weekend has been a rough one. He has asked a girl out. Someone I know he'd be interested in pursuing a relationship with. Now mind you it may not turn into a relationship but why is it so hard to handle? Why can't I just be happy for him for finding someone? I think I always hoped he would come back to me. I had recently (a month ago) realized it was truly over. Now mind you, we've been seperated for 6 months now. We were friends with benefits up until right before Christmas, and now he's asking someone out. I think what frustrates me is that he's not willing to admit it's a date. I feel it's only insecurities of rejection, if he was confident of how she felt towards him I think he'd be all for a relationship. Why does this bother me? He left his girlfriend prior to me and hooked up with me within the same week. Why should I be surprised that he has taken 3 months and is moving on? Because I can't just move on. I gave him so much of me. He was my first. They always say you give more to your first. I believe it now. I feel foolish. Like he must not have loved me as much as I loved him for him to be able to move on so quickly. Now this is all pathetic, stupid, or whatever. But these are the thoughts I struggle with.

So here I am knowing that things will change. Do I stop going to lunch with everyone at work? Do I stop hanging out on Friday nights at his place with a bunch of our friends? Do I tell him to stop calling me 3 times a day? Do I not sign on in messenger at work so he can't chat with me all day? Will any of this really help when it's all said and done? It needs to be something that changes in my own heart and mind. I need to let him go. But if he does get a girlfriend would he be calling me 3+ times a day? Would he have me come over with the rest of our friends on Friday nights? And if he would, would I even allow myself to go because he will be with his girlfriend? I mean she wouldn't be too thrilled about him having his ex over all the time.

This is what I'm fighting over. What needs to change in our relating to one another? Does anything? Is it all just in my head and heart that needs to change? Who knows...

I guess I can't make a decision now because I don't know what to do.