It's been an emotional week. Though I didn't realize it until I was driving home after work and all the emotions came flooding out of me. The tears came out without much warning. I drove crying uncontrollably. I just let it all come out.
At first I thought it had to do with
Computer Geek. I was hurt by something that I found out today that he didn't tell me himself. It bothered me I had to ask. In the end I realized my problem was with how little I know him, and I've always valued his friendship. Not saying he doesn't value mine. He's a very private person. It's just the way I show the value of a friendship is how much I open up to a person. Yes I'm a pretty open individual but there are things I only share with him. I've long given up any hope of any romantic attachments with Computer Geek and myself, though I still find myself physically/sexually drawn to him.
Anyways, as I cried driving home it really hit me how much emotions I've stuffed deep inside about all of these other issues and the little issue with Computer Geek was just the tip of the iceberg, the straw that broke the camels back so to speak. (Sigh)
Everything about this week has challenged my ability NOT to care what other people think about me. Sadly I wasn't winning the battle as well as I thought.
Last Saturday my childhood crush located me on Facebook. Ironically I've mentioned him here once when describing how even back in the day I made up nicknames for the guys I like. His was
HunkofBabe.
Click Here to see that post. Either way he's happily married with two kids now, but something I wrote in one of my replies to him made me nervous that I made a fool of myself. He still hasn't responded, feeding into my fears that he now won't ever talk to me again. The first couple of days I couldn't let it go. When I finally did, it came with the pain that if I did say something silly and he decided never to write me again... OH FUCKING WELL!
The situation with HunkofBabe reminded me of my childhood in Alaska. My parents always told me that my class was the meanest group of kids they ever met. I don't really remember but as the email situation happened with HunkofBabe it brought me back to all the emotions and insecurities I felt as a child. Wanting their approval. I thought a lot about that. How things have changed quite a bit. How my current friends are nothing like what I would think they would consider "acceptable" and I'm thinking... Do I really want people like that back in my life?
I also finally had to have a talk with
Junior. I just asked him if his girlfriend flirted with anyone as much as he flirts with me would he be ok with it? He said ignorance is bliss and then asked if this meant he would have to stop hitting on me now! Silly kid. Either way, again I was pushed with the decision of being ok whether or not he liked what I had to say. It was something that needed to be said. Luckily we're all good now but he seemed pretty bummed with me for the next couple of days.
Then I had to stop by The Ex's parents place last night to drop off some stuff. His mom finally had the courage to ask me if I was dating anyone. Though she waited till she walked me to my car, my ex's dad respects that fact that we split on friendly terms. It was such an odd subject to talk about with the woman that felt you were "The One" for her son. But I basically just told her I was tired of the dating scene and I was taking a step back from it. It's odd that I have such a continued relationship with my ex's family. I still hang out with most of them. But I will say I felt odd talking to her about it. The Ex is married now and has since moved to another state. The conversation left me feeling a bit sad. Not about wishing I was with him, I know he's MUCH better off, just sad and confused at why I haven't been able to find a decent guy.
I've spent a lot of this week trying to just come to grips with the fact that some people may just not like me. It's so hard for me as a people pleaser to come to grips with that. It's been a rough week and once I cried it all out I felt much better, relieved knowing that there were a lot of reasons behind it. I even sent Computer Geek a text letting him know I was sorry if I acted butthurt and ya know, he was really cool about it.
It's late and I should be in bed but I just needed to get all this off my chest.
Geek Photographer just stopped by. This is an oddity to me. He actually called last weekend to see if he could then but I got his call too late. So today of all days, I'm not feeling so hot, have been vegging all day, I took a shower but hadn't really got ready, he stops by. When he called he specifically kept me on the phone so I wouldn't go run off and get fixed up. I swear... Boys. So I let him in, my hair not even brushed through, no makeup and he hung out for about an hour and a half. I let him know I don't usually let people see me like that. He knows I'm fighting a cold and that I just started my period. Our time was only slightly awkward but for the most part I had a good time.
