So I show up to work with little focus, I'm late, flustered and tired.
Obsession is working at the local office today. I didn't even notice his truck! blah! I walked in, saw him sitting in the usual guys spot and I was like, whoa, who's that!? I didn't know he was working here today. I feel unsettled.
Thank God I only work half a day!
Tuesday, September 17, 2019
Thursday, September 12, 2019
Another Cycle?
So Ex and I had an all day chat session via Twitter yesterday. It felt odd. I kept wondering if I should continue or not. It kept teetering on that line of inappropriate. It's so odd to chat with an ex that you've been intimate with. You know more about them then you do any other random person. There were a couple comments made but both of us were hyper vigilant not to let it go beyond that line. Though the line was brought up a few times. Ex sent a selfie among other photos and I was like "uh oh..." I didn't acknowledge it, just moved on to the next photo he sent me. He's currently in Finland. So the photos were really interesting! It might have been more the content of the background he thought I'd like to see.
Either way, I find myself wondering if we're going to chat again. Then I think um... no. That would be intentional.
It's odd, we have random messages and each time we chat there has been a reason and the chats are super short. Monday Ex sent me a message saying he was off to Finland. I found that odd. It seemed out of the ordinary. But of course my wanderlust was intrigued and wanted to hear more about it. I sent a safe travels and I look forward to the photos. So that's where the chat started yesterday.
So as I was chatting struggling to keep that line appropriate I kept thinking, is this my issue? Like do I exude inappropriate conversation? Am I the cause of all these lines being crossed. First with Colorado, then with Obsession and potentially with Ex? I am a flirt. I know this. But there is a difference between flirting and inappropriate flirting. I struggle to understand the difference.
Speaking of Obsession... I'm surprised by our last chat. I hate to admit it made me late getting back to my location on Tuesday. We talked WAY too long. But it was sooo nice. I've missed those chats. Those are the chats I remember prior to all the embarrassment and walls and distance I felt. It made me wonder if he really thought I had bad intentions and that's why he kept his distance. Or maybe the other coworkers got into his head and me coming and apologizing helped him see my intentions were NEVER to be harmful to his marriage. Maybe it was everything and he finally realized I'm not a vindictive person.
After my chat yesterday with Ex I wonder if this is an area I will have to be hyper vigilant in, to be sure not to cross any lines, since it appears to be an area I slip into easily. *sigh*
I know my Husband Creature is a flirt. He's aware that we're both flirts. I guess women are less likely to play into the flirting. Well... Not really. I'm easily slipping into it. Either way, I don't want this to be a constant struggle, and I will pray that I can keep myself in check and pure of heart.
Husband Creature and myself are doing really well. Now that he's working he seems to have some self worth back and doesn't seem as moody. I have appreciated his efforts. We're still trying to come to a balance on this new schedule and routine. We were so used to the way things were and now he's working we need to split duties more evenly. So we're on the path of figuring that out. 😊
Anyways, I need to get back to work... Just needed this off my chest.
Either way, I find myself wondering if we're going to chat again. Then I think um... no. That would be intentional.
It's odd, we have random messages and each time we chat there has been a reason and the chats are super short. Monday Ex sent me a message saying he was off to Finland. I found that odd. It seemed out of the ordinary. But of course my wanderlust was intrigued and wanted to hear more about it. I sent a safe travels and I look forward to the photos. So that's where the chat started yesterday.
So as I was chatting struggling to keep that line appropriate I kept thinking, is this my issue? Like do I exude inappropriate conversation? Am I the cause of all these lines being crossed. First with Colorado, then with Obsession and potentially with Ex? I am a flirt. I know this. But there is a difference between flirting and inappropriate flirting. I struggle to understand the difference.
Speaking of Obsession... I'm surprised by our last chat. I hate to admit it made me late getting back to my location on Tuesday. We talked WAY too long. But it was sooo nice. I've missed those chats. Those are the chats I remember prior to all the embarrassment and walls and distance I felt. It made me wonder if he really thought I had bad intentions and that's why he kept his distance. Or maybe the other coworkers got into his head and me coming and apologizing helped him see my intentions were NEVER to be harmful to his marriage. Maybe it was everything and he finally realized I'm not a vindictive person.
After my chat yesterday with Ex I wonder if this is an area I will have to be hyper vigilant in, to be sure not to cross any lines, since it appears to be an area I slip into easily. *sigh*
I know my Husband Creature is a flirt. He's aware that we're both flirts. I guess women are less likely to play into the flirting. Well... Not really. I'm easily slipping into it. Either way, I don't want this to be a constant struggle, and I will pray that I can keep myself in check and pure of heart.
Husband Creature and myself are doing really well. Now that he's working he seems to have some self worth back and doesn't seem as moody. I have appreciated his efforts. We're still trying to come to a balance on this new schedule and routine. We were so used to the way things were and now he's working we need to split duties more evenly. So we're on the path of figuring that out. 😊
Anyways, I need to get back to work... Just needed this off my chest.
Friday, September 06, 2019
Happy Birthday to me and farewell Obsession
So it's time to say farewell to my Obsession. Aaand Happy Birthday to me! Today is my birthday. Life is good.
Update 9/6/19
So I feel less frustrated about the whole Obsession thing. I still think a farewell is a necessity. In fact I think my last conversation with him on September 3rd was it. It's been about a month and I tortured myself over some info that I found out.
One being that the day I brought him cookies is the date everything changed. I can't tell if that's when something changed in his mind or if it occurred sooner than that, now looking back it was probably sooner than that. I think his coworker might have thrown me under the bus and admitted that she knew I thought he was cute. Either way, his lack of "thank you" really bothered me.
I saw him August 14th. And I was already standoffish towards him since he hadn't made any effort to say thanks for the cookies. I did my best NOT to try to talk to him. He eventually came up to me and thanked me for the cookies. He said he felt bad that he wasn't responding to the group texts. He said the girls in the office said he had to thank me and he told them "What, do you *want* me to get in trouble?" He reiterated that his wife had been giving him some heat about the text conversations with the people from the office including me. I gave him a hard time about not even calling me on the work phone if he couldn't message me on his cell. The girl in his office indicated that I was a big part of the issue. Obsession downplayed it but something made me sick to my stomach. They'd talked about me texting him. Ugh... I told him well has she read my texts? There's nothing in there that's inappropriate. She understands there's nothing going on right? He responded defensively like well I told her there wasn't anything going on because there isn't anything going on. Which felt like an odd response from him. Like he's been pissed about the whole situation for a bit. It set me back. And his coworker said she felt so bad she called him twice that night and texted him to make sure he was ok. I laughed and said well if his wife is having an issue with us talking to him why did you expect him to respond? He agreed but she looked at him funny.
Obsession said his wife's biggest issue was when she found out he baked me cookies. That it bothered her that he had baked me cookies. But it started when the group texts were all women. But he told her that he's the only guy. I was distracted by more people coming by and came back to say "now I feel bad". He told me "please don't."
So eventually when I had time to review the interaction I came to the conclusion that it was mostly me that his wife was having an issue with.
Mortification set it...
I wasn't sure how to react. I immediately felt like I needed to apologize for everything. But hadn't had any chances to talk to him by himself. I was down there on a Tuesday August 20th and went to say hello. He seemed stressed and annoyed. The conversation was short. I was about to apologize then when he had someone come by for a meeting. I promptly left feeling worse than when I arrived.
Then Monday the 26th I went to a Paint n Sip night with one of the girls in his unit. I decided to ask her one question. And asked if it was me that was causing the biggest problem. She confirmed my biggest fear. His wife has an issue with me texting him. I asked why she wasn't upset with her or the other girl for texting him. She somewhat defensively mentioned that she doesn't text him. I said yes you do in group text. She said it wasn't a big deal and not worry about it. I said that it wasn't like I didn't text anything that my husband couldn't read. And she said again, not to worry about it, that Obsessions wife was super jealous and reads through all his texts. That they (the two girls in his unit) told him he should tell me to stop texting him. And said that's crazy because it's just "Clandestine", she just doesn't know "Clandestine". Etc. So then I was even feeling more frustrated. That he talked to the other girls and was concerned and wasn't sure if he should broach the subject with me.
*Sigh*
You get where I am starting to feel sick to my stomach right? :(
He clearly doesn't want me to text him. What's weird to me is when and why did this start? At what point did he not like me texting him? From the start? Ugh... I never felt uncomfortable with him until I moved away. I never felt unwanted or like there was this wall until this last month after the beginning of August. So what changed? Did his wife find out he baked me cookies once I left? I guess that's when I felt the shift. It would go along with his timeline. I always thought it was just because we didn't see each other as much that things had changed but maybe something did change.
So this last Tuesday (September 3rd) I was down in his office. He didn't seem *as* distant or pulled away. So the first chance I saw he was alone I asked him if I could ask him a question. He said sure what's up. I asked him if he could forgive me. He asked what for. I explained my heart about any of my behavior and not wanting to cause any issues with his wife and how mortified I felt about it. He was very kind. Saying he didn't feel he needed to give me any forgiveness but saw my face and said if it would make me feel better of course he'd forgive me. He said it wasn't anything he couldn't handle. That his wife kept asking why I had to text so much. I still can't figure that part out. I never felt like I sent him too many text. I did tell him that though. He did ask if I noticed that he stopped replying to some of my messages, and I said I had, but that some of my texts didn't require a response. I said I must text a lot in general to my friends because I never felt like I text him in particular that often. I did tell him that I consider him more of a friend than just a coworker and maybe that's why I took liberties. But that either way, I wouldn't be doing that anymore. He did say if it's about traffic or something that shouldn't be a problem. And clearly defined that line. lol He asked if I felt bad about this since that day (the 14th) and I admitted it's eaten me up quite a bit. To think I was causing anyone to question anything really bothered me. That just wasn't something I do! He did admit that if we ever run across each other in public not to stay away, that his wife doesn't think ill of me, she'd just take note that I was the person who texted him. He told her it was just my personality, and that she just didn't know me. And she agreed that she doesn't know me and didn't like it. He told her to read through the text messages, that he could explain each and every one and that there wasn't anything wrong with the communications. I guess there were a couple of inside jokes (that I don't recall) that he had a hard time explaining. But for the most part he agreed the messages were innocent enough.
He did get my voicemail and thought it was strange. He never called me back he says it's because he thought it was prior to seeing me on the 20th. His phone was disconnected for a while. But later in the conversation I caught the lie because he said he wondered why I called since we had talked earlier that day. So apparently he doesn't feel he can return my calls either.
There was more but I can't remember everything. I am now ok with the whole situation but at the moment, ok for the whole month, I felt like such a fool. I think Obsession appreciated the apology. He did look at me a little funny when I said I considered him a friend. It's possible that made things make more sense. But ultimately I did (and still may) have a crush. It impaired my ability to look at my actions objectively. And now that I recall he said he never had an issue with my texts until his wife brought up her frustrations. He basically said I'm not allowed to text anymore unless it's important basic text, like warning him of a traffic accident etc. lol
With that being said, I was pleasantly surprised to get a happy birthday email from him haha Yes, an email. I guess he could have sent nothing. So I'll appreciate the little bit of effort. lol And understand that I won't be able to wish him a happy birthday via text it'll have to be email.
Update 9/6/19
So I feel less frustrated about the whole Obsession thing. I still think a farewell is a necessity. In fact I think my last conversation with him on September 3rd was it. It's been about a month and I tortured myself over some info that I found out.
One being that the day I brought him cookies is the date everything changed. I can't tell if that's when something changed in his mind or if it occurred sooner than that, now looking back it was probably sooner than that. I think his coworker might have thrown me under the bus and admitted that she knew I thought he was cute. Either way, his lack of "thank you" really bothered me.
I saw him August 14th. And I was already standoffish towards him since he hadn't made any effort to say thanks for the cookies. I did my best NOT to try to talk to him. He eventually came up to me and thanked me for the cookies. He said he felt bad that he wasn't responding to the group texts. He said the girls in the office said he had to thank me and he told them "What, do you *want* me to get in trouble?" He reiterated that his wife had been giving him some heat about the text conversations with the people from the office including me. I gave him a hard time about not even calling me on the work phone if he couldn't message me on his cell. The girl in his office indicated that I was a big part of the issue. Obsession downplayed it but something made me sick to my stomach. They'd talked about me texting him. Ugh... I told him well has she read my texts? There's nothing in there that's inappropriate. She understands there's nothing going on right? He responded defensively like well I told her there wasn't anything going on because there isn't anything going on. Which felt like an odd response from him. Like he's been pissed about the whole situation for a bit. It set me back. And his coworker said she felt so bad she called him twice that night and texted him to make sure he was ok. I laughed and said well if his wife is having an issue with us talking to him why did you expect him to respond? He agreed but she looked at him funny.
Obsession said his wife's biggest issue was when she found out he baked me cookies. That it bothered her that he had baked me cookies. But it started when the group texts were all women. But he told her that he's the only guy. I was distracted by more people coming by and came back to say "now I feel bad". He told me "please don't."
So eventually when I had time to review the interaction I came to the conclusion that it was mostly me that his wife was having an issue with.
Mortification set it...
I wasn't sure how to react. I immediately felt like I needed to apologize for everything. But hadn't had any chances to talk to him by himself. I was down there on a Tuesday August 20th and went to say hello. He seemed stressed and annoyed. The conversation was short. I was about to apologize then when he had someone come by for a meeting. I promptly left feeling worse than when I arrived.
Then Monday the 26th I went to a Paint n Sip night with one of the girls in his unit. I decided to ask her one question. And asked if it was me that was causing the biggest problem. She confirmed my biggest fear. His wife has an issue with me texting him. I asked why she wasn't upset with her or the other girl for texting him. She somewhat defensively mentioned that she doesn't text him. I said yes you do in group text. She said it wasn't a big deal and not worry about it. I said that it wasn't like I didn't text anything that my husband couldn't read. And she said again, not to worry about it, that Obsessions wife was super jealous and reads through all his texts. That they (the two girls in his unit) told him he should tell me to stop texting him. And said that's crazy because it's just "Clandestine", she just doesn't know "Clandestine". Etc. So then I was even feeling more frustrated. That he talked to the other girls and was concerned and wasn't sure if he should broach the subject with me.
*Sigh*
You get where I am starting to feel sick to my stomach right? :(
He clearly doesn't want me to text him. What's weird to me is when and why did this start? At what point did he not like me texting him? From the start? Ugh... I never felt uncomfortable with him until I moved away. I never felt unwanted or like there was this wall until this last month after the beginning of August. So what changed? Did his wife find out he baked me cookies once I left? I guess that's when I felt the shift. It would go along with his timeline. I always thought it was just because we didn't see each other as much that things had changed but maybe something did change.
So this last Tuesday (September 3rd) I was down in his office. He didn't seem *as* distant or pulled away. So the first chance I saw he was alone I asked him if I could ask him a question. He said sure what's up. I asked him if he could forgive me. He asked what for. I explained my heart about any of my behavior and not wanting to cause any issues with his wife and how mortified I felt about it. He was very kind. Saying he didn't feel he needed to give me any forgiveness but saw my face and said if it would make me feel better of course he'd forgive me. He said it wasn't anything he couldn't handle. That his wife kept asking why I had to text so much. I still can't figure that part out. I never felt like I sent him too many text. I did tell him that though. He did ask if I noticed that he stopped replying to some of my messages, and I said I had, but that some of my texts didn't require a response. I said I must text a lot in general to my friends because I never felt like I text him in particular that often. I did tell him that I consider him more of a friend than just a coworker and maybe that's why I took liberties. But that either way, I wouldn't be doing that anymore. He did say if it's about traffic or something that shouldn't be a problem. And clearly defined that line. lol He asked if I felt bad about this since that day (the 14th) and I admitted it's eaten me up quite a bit. To think I was causing anyone to question anything really bothered me. That just wasn't something I do! He did admit that if we ever run across each other in public not to stay away, that his wife doesn't think ill of me, she'd just take note that I was the person who texted him. He told her it was just my personality, and that she just didn't know me. And she agreed that she doesn't know me and didn't like it. He told her to read through the text messages, that he could explain each and every one and that there wasn't anything wrong with the communications. I guess there were a couple of inside jokes (that I don't recall) that he had a hard time explaining. But for the most part he agreed the messages were innocent enough.
He did get my voicemail and thought it was strange. He never called me back he says it's because he thought it was prior to seeing me on the 20th. His phone was disconnected for a while. But later in the conversation I caught the lie because he said he wondered why I called since we had talked earlier that day. So apparently he doesn't feel he can return my calls either.
There was more but I can't remember everything. I am now ok with the whole situation but at the moment, ok for the whole month, I felt like such a fool. I think Obsession appreciated the apology. He did look at me a little funny when I said I considered him a friend. It's possible that made things make more sense. But ultimately I did (and still may) have a crush. It impaired my ability to look at my actions objectively. And now that I recall he said he never had an issue with my texts until his wife brought up her frustrations. He basically said I'm not allowed to text anymore unless it's important basic text, like warning him of a traffic accident etc. lol
With that being said, I was pleasantly surprised to get a happy birthday email from him haha Yes, an email. I guess he could have sent nothing. So I'll appreciate the little bit of effort. lol And understand that I won't be able to wish him a happy birthday via text it'll have to be email.
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