Beware!

Beware! This post is not for the faint hearted. hehe I'm in a foul mood. I know it's pms but there is a lot going on in my brain. I can never write about these topics on my personal blog because well I just don't want to whine that much. I'm usually a happy person, content and pretty much ALWAYS smiling.

Today... not so much. I'm struggling. I'm discouraged. I have a problem. I am a people pleaser through and through. This causes problems with the relationships in my life because I never tell people how I truly feel because I don't want them to be mad at me or not like me anymore. Then I end up resenting the people because I'm stuck dealing with emotions they have no clue I'm dealing with. Even now, I'm not willing to post this topic on my personal blog because I don't want people to know I'm frustrated. Hmmm... Maybe I will post this on my personal blog as well. Just to get past this constant need to make sure everyone is ok with me. The thing is I'm not ok with everyone! I'm angry and hurt. I feel taken advantage of. I'm not happy that I feel like I'm always the one that has to make the effort.

I sat down and talked with my coworker this morning. He's a good friend. He mentioned some things that I think is the root of my problem. I settle for being treated less then a princess. He didn't say so, it's just the conclusion I came to when he stated that if I didn't feel like I was being treated like a princess I should walk away from these relationships and my first response was I couldn't imagine walking away. Of course I explain them away, they aren't relationships, we aren't officially dating so do I really have a reason to be so upset. The thing is, there is something more then friendship there, yet I feel like I'm the one getting the short end of the stick. I know I'm valuable. I know I'm worth pursuing. Then why is it that I do all the work? Why do I feel like I'm treated like it's an honor to be in *their* presence? This people pleaser thing is a BIG issue! It makes me settle for less, put up with more. How do I get out of this habitual behavior? I know at one point I felt cherished. When will I feel that again?

My coworker talked about the day he first met his wife. Their eyes locked and he knew! He just knew! Isn't that awesome? I mean you hear about stories like that but sometimes it makes you wonder, is it real? Could it really happen?

Part of me is so frustrated with how I get treated I want to write everyone off. Never make the first move. If they want to call me, then let them call me. If they want to pursue me, they can pursue me. If they want to chat, start a conversation. I'm done! I'm pissed! How the hell am I supposed to be nice to one of these guys in question tonight without biting off his head? Poor guy won't know what hit him. I've been so quiet for so long. I've held my tongue. To some extent I don't feel I could get a word in edgewise. He's too busy rattling on about himself. It's hard to say let him pursue me when he does most of the calling. I just don't feel like it's about me at all. It's about him and his need to feel heard. He's getting something out of this and I'm left silently screaming.

So could it get any worse? I was about ready to post this when I spoke to my supervisor about switching up my lunchbreaks to match with my coworker (the one I referred to above) and I so we could continue to do our traditional friday wahoo lunches and was then asked if his wife knew about these traditional friday lunches!? WTF!? He's a friend! Nothing more is going on! ARGH! I seriously do feel like I need a good scream! FUUUUCK!

Recap of the men in 2007

Recap of the year in men - friends or otherwise...

Colorado - is currently seeing/living with someone. Oddly our friendship has survived our mini-relationship and time. I am happy to say we chat almost every day and he still has a good impact in my life. He seems to value my friendship which is something I wondered about from time-to-time.

Burbank - I don't believe I've mentioned him yet. He and I have known each other for years. We were each others first "online" to "in-person" friendship. Because he lives in an odd location we only get to hang out a few times a year. This year I found myself more physically attracted to him then ever. I'd always had a suspicion that he liked me too but there were reasons I never allowed myself to think more of it. Well he showed up to my surprise birthday party in September and the connection was undeniable. Over the next month we talked about our attraction and the confession on each of our part, wondering what that would mean the next time we hung out, which has yet to happen.

In fact, for some reason after that he has turned into a giant asshole! No joke! I have yet to figure out what crawled up his butt (and died) to make him such a rude individual. He called 15 minutes into the new year to wish me a Happy New Year but it was almost like he regretted calling me the moment he dialed my number. I have a feeling (based from his past relationships) he doesn't like acting on his feelings unless forced and I will not force him. I guess after my birthday I thought if we could make a more consistent schedule of seeing each other we may have a chance to see where our mutual attraction goes. I think I was forcing it and the dynamic of our friendship doesn't allow for that. I will let it go back to seeing each other every few months and be ok with that.

Washington - is a guy I met through work. We talked almost daily until his company switched providers but we had already exchanged numbers and talk every month or so. Last night I talked to him and one thing I enjoy about his personality is that I'm usually laughing so hard I'm crying. He's non-stop goofball. There have been times it's too much but when I haven't talked to him in a while he can truly lift my spirits. He tends to ask about my relationship status a lot. He seems intrigued that I've been dating a lot of men that aren't Christians. He knows how much my beliefs mean to me. I look forward to the time he comes down here and we can meet in person.

Computer Geek - is the one who attempted to locate my secret blog. He and I flirt. I'm still attracted to him but he's turning into a good friend. I enjoy his company and he throws out little things to encourage me.

Touchy/Feely - is a guy that I could be in a relationship with right now if I wanted. He scares me a little bit. The reason is that he reminds me so much of the men I have dated and I could see myself slipping into a relationship just because it's comfortable and I'm lonely. He doesn't have a relationship with God. I've been there. I can't do it again.

In fact, out of all the men I have been dating, Burbank is the one closest to fitting with the values I want in a man (odd that he can also be the biggest asshole too).

So, I've shared with Touchy/Feely that I've thought about having sex with him. He couldn't make a coherent sentence for at least 5 minutes after that! Apparently my boldness took him back. I told him that as much as I've thought about it there were reasons I would never allow myself to.

Northern Cali - recently came down for a visit. Another guy I’ve been friends with for years. I’ve known him longer then Burbank but Northern Cali is a lot further away then Burbank so we had our first in-person meeting last March. I was surprised he went out of his way to meet up with me this last month. He’s a great guy. He was visiting friends in Hollywood and was willing to drive inland to meet me on my lunch break, then even said it was worth the drive and he’d make sure to make plans to meet up with me the next time he’s down in my area.

Older Guy- has turned out as quite a surprise actually... I had given up on any form of relationship happening with him. I found out he was seeing a girl in Arizona that he failed to mention whenever I'd ask him about relationships. hehe I honestly think he was still trying to figure out "our" chances. He still calls me daily. I have been helping him with a new business venture he's working on. His business took him to Hawaii for a New Years celebration out there. I didn't expect to hear from him because I knew he'd be running frantic to get everything done, yet I found myself missing his frequent calls, I had gotten used to them. To my pleasant surprise, he called me yesterday to wish me a Happy New Year and to thank me for all the stuff I've done for him in 2007. I felt special that he chose to call. He didn't need to, nor did I expect it. I also got a text from him last night wishing me a Happy New Year and letting me know his project went well.

In all actuality I'm not sure why it means so much to me. I guess reading back through my few posts last year, the one thing that was consistent in my frustration is feeling like I don't mean much to the people in my life. The end of the year evaluation hasn't changed my outlook on that. In fact I plan on taking more time for me, rather then concerning myself with others and their feelings. This Older Guy just happens to be the one that consistently goes out of his way to make me feel cared for.

I admitted to him two days prior to his trip that if I were into one-night stands I'd be asking if he'd be interested. I was quite shocked at my bravery and am still unsure of what I felt it would accomplish to admit that to him since I know I'm not someone that can do a one-night stand. His response still surprises me! He admitted to being attracted but that the girl in Arizona was making him hesitate on his temptation to go through with it. He said our age difference is a big deal to him but that he sees me as mature for someone my age. Yet, I truly expected not to hear from him with my confession, or for him to pull away. The reason being is that my supervisor who is closer to his age really liked him and pursued him and he was turned off by it. It got to the point of ignoring her calls. He said the reason was that she seemed like the type of girl to just want a one-night stand. Yet my confession of wanting a one-night stand seems to have had NO affect at all, in fact it seems that he has gone out of his way to make sure I know he still values me as a friend. This has been the surprising twist to our friendship.

Summing up - There are more men but these are the ones with the biggest impact in my life for the 2007 year. So my brother has said he's swearing off all women for 6 months. I'm not sure that I can swear off all men, I’m too much of a flirt. But I have wondered if I lost all these men in my life, would I be devastated? ... No. But out of all the men I think the Older Guy would be the one I'd miss the most. I won’t push all these men out of my life but I do plan on making more of an effort to do things for me and not worry about pursuing friendships with the above men. In reviewing this list I have a feeling most of these men will stick around in the coming years. Though I will put less pressure on them to be more then they are and I will make new relationships.