Man, I'm in so much shock with how much everything has changed since my last post. July 30th... Now in December.
I have been thinking A LOT about Colorado. I was so tempted to send him a message via Hangouts. It's been weird how much I've been drawn to him. It's rather annoying. I made the mistake of opening hangouts in my gmail and it wouldn't let me disconnect. I had to go in the settings and disable hangouts in my gmail so I wouldn't constantly see his name and be tempted.
I'm angry at Obsession at the moment. I'm trying not to let him get to me but I'm just over the fact that I always feel so unimportant when it comes to him. Some days I feel like he notices my absence. But it's very RARE. Lately though it feels like he could care less about staying in contact. I am miserable with my weight and work and foot pain. I see his name and I flip it off. What do I want? What do I expect? Why do I care!? Ugh... Why is it that I even waste my time on someone that doesn't give me the time of day? I have so many other people that make me feel important. And if I think about it, there are other people who I know care about me that don't always make me feel as important. So are my expectations too high? I think they might be. I read too much into circumstances. The one that's currently pissing me off with Obsession is I tried to reach out to him in work chat. I asked if he used it, he said "Hey..." and then dropped off. And nothing since. So why respond if you don't use it? And in the past it feels like if we dropped off without much communication he'd send an email. Rare, but he'd still make an effort. Fuck me... I'm too sensitive.
I'm depressed I think. My weight. My pain. My job. My finances. Just everything. So I think ultimately I'm hoping to get reassured by people rather than God. And I'm so busy I just don't have time to just sit in His presence and just typing that sounds horrible. Nothing is satisfying in life these days. My joy is depleted. I need to just put my head down and seek God.
