More about The Drummer...

The Drummer - So I haven't been ready to share about The Drummer lately. I think because my heart is too involved. So much has happened. I'm really confused. I'm not sure what we are. I know we have decided to just be friends yet both of us know there is more there, A LOT more.

Even now my heart is beating hard. Why? Because he's supposed to call and let me know when to come over. In my mind I plan on going to sleep. I didn't sleep at all at his place last night. I have an early morning meeting tomorrow in Big Bear. I don't know why I don't just send him a text sayin that I'm crashing and let it be. I guess because I feel I've been buggin him tonight. Yet, if he never calls it will piss me off. I know it's Christmas and he's been drinking. I also know we woke up in eachother's arms on Christmas morning. Did I ever expect that!? No!

Ok so I should probably start back to my last post. I mentioned that I knew I was in trouble when he came back to kiss me on the cheek. Well not even two days passed before we talked about it. I told him I felt my heart was getting too involved.

well he just called... I'm meeting him afterall... (Sigh) more to come.

Ok so the above was Christmas night which was Friday night... Back to what I was writing about, our "talk".

So our "talk" was on that Monday or Tuesday (Dec 14th or 15th), he said he could tell I was getting too involved and it made him nervous because he didn't want to hurt me. We talked about how as much as we enjoy the sex it's probably best if we stop. I felt sad and a little dissappointed. He was still planning on joining me for the reunion dinner.

Over the next couple of days I kind of kept my distance. I even considered not having him go with me to the reunion dinner because I didn't want to deal with our uncomfortableness along with the awkwardness of meeting my Ex's wife. But when I told him he didn't have to go because the group was getting a little too big he seemed to think it was only because of our talk. I told him that wasn't the case but I guess deep down it might have been. I mentioned something on the group page about not bringing a date because the group was so big but they wanted me to bring one anyways. I explained that if he had to work he wouldn't be able to go. And confirmed The Drummer was still willing to go if I needed him to.

So the week continued and that Saturday (Dec 19th) The Drummers band had another show. I went knowing The Drummer and I had made a decision not to get physical. When I saw him at the show I noticed his eyes were puffy and his nose looked pretty messed up. I found out he was out at a bar the night before and got punched pretty hard from the side and his nose was broken. He looked pretty miserable. I could tell the show wasn't one of their best performances but I couldn't tell if it was only because his nose was broken or if there was something going on with the guys. I asked the Bassist's fiance and she said she could see it too.

After the performance I spent most of the time talking to The Singer and his friends outside and I barely saw The Drummer. I still get surprised that he and I barely seem to talk while at his shows. Anyways, I saw him looking over to me but he didn't seem to make any effort to make conversation.

I happened to be walking by the bar to go to the restroom and I saw him sitting on a stool looking rather pathetically miserable. I went up to him and asked how he was holding up. He said he wasn't doing well at all and just wanted to go home. I asked him why he wasn't going home and he said it's because he didn't have a ride and that his car was at the Bassist's place. I told him I would take him home and he seemed grateful but also felt bad about me missing out on the rest of the show. I told him it didn't matter and I could always come back. I even teased and said, I'll drop you off and won't come in. He smiled and it was decided I was taking him home.

I could tell he was pretty messed up, he could barely walk straight. I got him home and he offered to have me come in. I told him it wasn't a good idea because we had a hard time being good. He said he would make sure to be good because he really enjoyed my company.

So I went in and we hung out for a while on the couch talking about this that and everything. We talked quite extensively about our feelings. He said he cares about me greatly and he thinks I'm more beautiful and I have a better body then the other girl he's hung up on. He noticed my reaction to his comment about my body and asked if I believed him. I told him it was hard to and he said it was the truth and he liked my body better then hers. He knows I'm really good to him. And yet, even if the other girl wasn't in the picture we both know a relationship isn't wise, not with our lifestyles and beliefs being so different. Yet we couldn't help but get closer as the night progressed. I found myself holding his hand and he admitted to his hesitation on being affectionate back. I wasn't sure what was going on, even in my own thoughts.

We decided to watch Patch Adams and go to sleep. I had every intention of being good. But as usual things progressed towards sex. The sex was extremely intimate. I mean he's always been very passionate but he kept making me orgasm, so many times I lost count and I was exhausted to the point I didn't think I could any more and yet he kept going and made me orgasm two more times! It was fantastic! My stomach drops every time I think about our experiences. I also felt horrible because of his nose! He could barely breath and yet he was still leaving me completely weak and very satisfied!

I'm still so surprised he doesn't have to do much to make me orgasm. I'm not very experienced but there's just something about our fit that makes me go crazy! He also does something that I consider very intimate, which is staying inside of me. He'd lay with his dick inside me all night if I'd let him. He intertwines our bodies and holds me tight. I've asked around and found that it's an uncommon thing for guys to do, and its definitely more in line with love making then just fucking.

After a few hours, we went to sleep. I woke up to him climbing on top of me and putting his dick inside of me. I had never experienced that before and it was fucking awesome! What an amazing way to wake up! It didn't take me long to orgasm and he came for the first time that night (he had made the entire night about pleasing me) and we both fell back to sleep until I had to get up and head home to shower and go to church like a good girl.

As I got dressed he teasingly asked what happened and that hadn't we agreed not to do that anymore. I laughed but knew it was true. I didn't have any issues with how it worked itself out but I knew my heart was even more involved with him now.

Fresno - I had agreed to meet Fresno down at his new place in Aliso Viejo on that Sunday evening (Dec 20th). I wasn't sure how I felt about it because he kept pushing for me to spend the night and he kept wanting to know what I liked to drink for alcohol.

One thing about realizing my heart is now focused solely on The Drummer it means all these other men are put off to the wayside. Even African, whom I haven't even explained here is no longer any interest. Mind you, he also hasn't taken the time to call but I think he got tired of me putting him off. I'll give a short explanation of him in the end.

Anyways, I left my place at about 4:30 and got down to Fresno's place at 6:30 and we went to dinner. He had a nice place. I hadn't realized how close to Laguna beach he really was. We went to BJs restaurant there and ate some appetizers only because I had eaten shortly before heading down. We went back to his place and watched "Italian Job" and as soon as it was done he asked if I was ready for bed! I was like, "um, yeah I'm heading home." He seemed surprised but then explained it away to himself that it was because I would deal with traffic Monday morning. Which was true but I even told him I was sort of seeing someone just so he knew he wouldn't be able to attempt anything with me.

It's always nice to hang out with him. But it's odd that he keeps wanting to make it more then just a friend thing. I left at about 11:30 so I got home late.

Reunion Dinner w/ the Ex - So Monday, Decemember 21st I went down to the reunion dinner.

The Drummer didn't end up going with me because his nose was really bad and he had two black eyes. He said he would go but he was concerned about what my friends would think of me hanging out with someone like that. Which I thought was rather sweet of him to be concerned for me. He felt bad he couldn't be there for me but I was feeling like it was how the night should have worked out. It was something I knew I should face alone.

I got to the restaurant and saw my Ex's brothers girlfriend driving in just in front of me. She hasn't seen me since I've lost all this weight and immediately commented on it. It was great to see her. She and I have stayed friends even after my Ex and I broke up. Actually I'm still fairly close to his entire family.

I walked up and saw my Ex sitting at the table. My heart started pounding. I tried to calm my nerves by the time I walked in and saw his wife sitting and a few people there. I was so flustered I walked up stuck my hand out to shake hers and didn't even introduce myself. I was busy saying hi to everyone and then when I tried to find a place to sit I couldn't make it too obvious I was sitting away from them because they were in the center and it worked out that I sat across from them. It wasn't intentional. I knew it was obvious I was feeling awkward and tried to stay busy.

I walked outside and ran into my favorite people of the group. They also haven't seen me since the weight loss and both their mouths dropped open in shock of how good I look. I felt awkward and grateful they didn't get the chance to gush in front of my Ex and his wife. It took me maybe 20 minutes to relax from my initial interaction with my Ex. I was frustrated that I had made it obvious I was nervous and awkward about meeting her.

So seeing the Ex wasn't that hard. I remember looking at him and thinking, yes, this is a man I knew intimately well at one point, now he's a perfect stranger. That was an odd feeling. His wife is not very photogenic so I noticed she looked prettier then in her pictures. Yet I couldn't honestly say which one of us was prettier. I know, petty... But it was one of my thoughts. I was dying to know what she was thinking of me. I couldn't get a feel for her emotions. I talked to her only in passing conversation. In the end of the night I went up to her and gave her a hug and told her it was great to meet her.

As far as interaction with The Ex, there were a few times during the night I noticed we did a lot of the side glances and quickly looking away. There was one person sitting next to me who started talking about anal sex and a girls first experience and that was the only extremely awkward moment for me because it made me think of my first experience with anal being with my Ex. Of course, thinking about it leads to visual memories and I seriously had a hard time shaking the scenes in my head. No one knew my thoughts and it's not like I thought my Ex was thinking of our experiences, but I felt awkward thinking of him in that light while he sat across from me next to his wife!

I gave him a hug at the end of the night and wished I could talk to someone about what they thought of the night, the interaction or even what they thought of his wife and me in comparison. But sadly I don't know any of them well enough to go there with them and I left with lots of unanswered questions.

I also felt slightly awkward because I knew his wife never felt ready to meet me and this time she didn't have a choice. And she has always had an issue with my Ex and I staying friends. She's never understood why he continues to talk to me. I, myself, have also wondered at times why he's kept his promise to stay in touch. Mind you, his contact has gone from monthly to every couple months but he still makes the initial contact.

I was also curious as to what everyone else thought of the situation but all-in-all I thought it went really well. I felt confident and sexy so it didn't matter to me what the wife thought of me. Everyone else kept commenting on my weight loss and it felt good to know I looked better then I have in a LONG time.

Back to the Drummer - So I sent the Drummer a text on the way home letting him know it went well, even though he wasn't there. We talked about his dislike of Christmas the last time I spent the night and how he gave back "Garden State" to the other girl and he was really bummed about it.

Wednesday the 23rd I called around and found a copy of the movie and decided to be possibly really stupid and buy it for him. I also grabbed a few movies so that he'd have more then the few he's been watching over and over again. I text him to find out if he was at home and explained I had some movies for him to watch. I could tell he seemed really happy about the fact that I had thought of him like that.

I looked cute because I had just gone to the Candlelight Service at the church and was all dressed up. I literally stopped over, showed him the movies and looked at the progress of his nose healing and left. He knew I had pictures to edit.

Christmas Eve he kept textin me updates on which movie he was watching which seemed unusual for him. He ended up calling me and we talked on the phone for like 2 1/2 hours and at about 3am he asked me to come over. He made a promise to be good and for once we were! I got over there and we started Donnie Darko and were talking too much to really watch it. During this conversation we talked about the fact that I'm pretty much his best friend, he said possibly the best friend he's ever had. He doesn't want to lose that.

We slept in the same bed but didn't do anything. Of course the temptation was there, he gave me a couple hugs and kisses on the cheek throughout the night. I will say waking up next to him on Christmas morning was a little more romantic then it should have been. It didn't help that he left to grab some dog food and brought me back a coffee! He knew I was a starbucks fan but just got the gas station coffee and even tried to make sure not to put too much cream and sugar. Freakin sweet! We relaxed and talked about random stuff. He was in a super good mood. He kept sayin he was actually happy this Christmas because he woke up to his absolute best friend with him and a stack of great movies to watch. And that he had a lot to be happy about.

I had to head home and get ready for my Christmas Day plans, which wasn't much because we're not doing our Christmas until New Years when my sister has her kids. But I was going to a movie with the family and then over to my parents for dinner.

The Drummer had mentioned at night his roommate, her boyfriend and he were planning on playing board games if I wanted to come over. I said I would. This is sort of where this post started. Me waiting for him to call me and let me know when to come over.

He called me from his moms house, too drunk to drive home. He asked me to come pick him up. I got directions but he found out I wouldn't be able to stay late because of my plans to drive up to Big Bear the next morning. He decided to chance driving home and just told me to meet him there.

I got there before he did and I'm comfortable enough with his roommate and her boyfriend so I was chillin till he got there. This is where things get a little odd. I'm still trying to work out what happened.

The Drummer and the boyfriend started playing Yatzee. The Drummer was reacting strangly towards me but I couldn't quite pinpoint what was wrong. I felt like he was frustrated that I kept trying to help him out in the game. And I was embarrassed because I was keeping score and kept screwing up the math. He also seemed to be mad that I was cheering on the boyfriend rather then him, which wasn't true but I guess that's how he saw it. At the end of the 4th game he seemed really moody with me and thats when he accused me of flirting with his roommates boyfriend!!! I was in shock! I had no thoughts towards the boyfriend at all. But I was also confused because The Drummer told me we weren't together, why would he be so mad that I was flirting (well other then the fact that it's his roommates boyfriend). He said she gave him a look like "what the fuck?" and then went to bed. I saw her looking at me but I wasn't sure what emotion was going on. I thought she was just watching the interaction between The Drummer and I.

He was REALLY angry. He wouldn't believe me when I made him explain what his issue was. He felt I should have known what I was doing. I'm still unsure of what he saw. I know my personality. I'm flirtatious with everyone, but I mean there were times I was WAY flirty with the Singer in front of The Drummer and it didn't seem to bother him.

The only thing I could think of is our dynamic has changed. He allowed himself to have feelings for me. He kept saying he knew he shouldn't be jealous because we're not together. But then he would say he never wanted me to do it again. It took a while for both of us to get to a comfortable point about everything. I told him the flirting was unintentional and that he should know where my heart is. He kept saying it's possible he read it wrong but it wasn't until his roommate confirmed it with the look she gave him that he started to get extremely angry. I finally had to just say I was sorry, and he has this thing about sorry meaning you'll never do it again and I said that's what I mean. The conversation was pretty tense for a while. I felt horrible.

I always knew when I got back into a relationship I would have a hard time not flirting like I'm used to. But I had no idea I was in a relationship! I think he realized that and backed off on being so angry with me.

So I asked if I was staying the night, he said I could, but that there was no chance for us having sex. I was fine with that. I was exhausted because of the lack of sleep the night before and well arguing until 2am is never fun!

His mood shifted quickly and he was rambling about other things with a snide comment here and there about me flirting with another guy. He did say something about not expecting that behavior from me, and he was used to women treating him like crap, but not me. He even realized that if my actions were intentional it was the way to make him like me more. As messed up as it is, I think he's right. I've always felt the reason we weren't in a relationship is because he doesn't know how to handle someone who treats him good and isn't emotionally unstable.

At one point I told him I thought about the "L" word just that day when it came to how I felt about him. I told him I knew I did love him but that I wasn't "in love".

I fell asleep to him rambling and he was ok with that. He apparently talks more when he's drinking. I was half asleep and said "I love you" and he said he loved me too. At one point he asked me a question and I was so out of it I couldn't summon the voice to respond, then he started talking about how he felt a lot of love for me but that he's just scared because he doesn't know how to handle someone who treats him so good.

He went to have a smoke, but before he walked out he leaned over me and gave me a kiss on the cheek and whispered that it pissed him off when he realized the roommates boyfriend knew he had the upper hand and started using it.

When he was gone I tried to figure out what he meant by that. When he came back The Drummer was all excited because he could breath normally for the first time since breaking his nose, which his sister (a nurse) felt he needed surgery to correct. He was almost giddy and I couldn't help but wake up a little and share in his happiness.

At the time, I remember how it started, but now I can't remember how it started. Oh! He asked if I was hungry, I said no but told him if he was hungry he should go make himself something to eat. He said that I would need to remove my pants if he were to be able to get something to eat! I was shocked! And of course, had to tell him that aside from us knowing we shouldn't go there, I was on the tail end of my period and he wouldn't want to eat me.

He said that was even better, that it meant I could sit on him. And when I told him I thought we were not gonna do that anymore he said that I had asked him how I could make up flirting with his roommates boyfriend in front of him, this is how I could do it! I called him an ass with a huge smile on my face and it didn't take us long to get hot and heavy.

I was quite surprised we were having sex especially after what took place. I guess maybe I should have known since it meant his feelings for me were stronger then I think even he knew they were. It was good as usual. We took a small break and the second time I will have to say was me starting it. After we were done with round two he was in a really silly mood. He took the blame for our first romp and blamed me for the second. He started tickling me and then telling me not to be so loud since others were sleeping. In fact, it turns out the door was open when we were having sex. So at any point the roommate and her boyfriend could have heard us! I felt embarrassed but also kind of wondered if he did that on purpose.

Either way, we finally went to sleep and I woke up early because I had to make a trip up to Big Bear early. I kissed him on the cheek goodbye and felt good about where we were.

It wasn't until later that I was left wondering what the heck we are! He still says he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me. Yet, his reaction to what he thought was going on between me and his roommates boyfriend shows his feelings are WAY more possessive then he let on. In fact, I think the possessiveness just started as well.

He told me that the band members blew up that pic of me and him kissing and taped it to his base drum and how he thought it was completely adorable. He talked about not being ashamed of what we'd done.

Saturday morning I got home, showered and head up to Big Bear by 10am and on my way back down sent him a text. I'd been there most of the afternoon. I didn't get a reply till later and when I did I really didn't expect to keep a conversation going but he actually did!

Today, Sunday, I sent him a text asking how he was doing and didn't get a text till later that he was actually working and would contact me later. I got a text at 8:30 saying he just walked through the door. I mentioned that I'd ask if he wanted company but I was sure he'd probably be too tired. He text back that yeah, he wasn't up for company but then called me to talk.

It's going to be a busy week. So I probably won't get to see him much. I haven't spent this much time with him EVER! I'm normally not talking or texting him this consistently. I have no idea how the next few days will go. I tend to think I should keep my distance. Not that I'm the only one opening communication. But it's just a bit much for me. It feels too much like it's already a relationship. I could tell when he called tonight I was feeling awkward, unsure of what to talk about or if I should try to get off the phone as quickly as possible.

I will just take it one day at a time, like I've been doing. I guess because I see the progression of us over the last few months grow exponentially I'm curious if it's finally hit that wall. I'm not saying this relationship has grown quickly but I can definitely see the intensity shift even though BOTH of us have said it's not something we feel would be a good thing. I'm starting to wonder if either of us can help ourselves.

African - I'm so not in the mood to go into discussing him. I probably will never get around to it. But for now I'm leaving it for the next post.

Me & The Drummer

The Drummer - The picture to the left is me and The Drummer Friday night. Every time I see this picture it makes my heart flutter. Ugh! What am I gonna do? I spent the night at his house that night. You know where that led. I'm so confused and unsure about how I feel about all this.

The picture was taken at the tail end of the night at one of his shows. I'd barely talked to him that night. I didn't expect anything. I was quite surprised he kissed me. In fact, someone was bugging him to take a picture of me and him and it was during that, that he leaned down and just kissed me until they took the picture. A random stranger came up to me shortly after that and asked if he was my man and I hesitated because I didn't know how to respond. The Singer and others were watching this take place and the Singer said "yes" to the lady who asked just as I said "um, no. I wish he was!" The Drummer then said "oh knock that shit off" and I was confused by what he meant. Did he mean stop that I wanted him or that I didn't know if he was "my man"? The whole thing left me confused but I didn't honestly think much about it. (The lady that asked the question said if he wasn't my man I should definitely try to make him my man because he was one fine looking man. haha)

I have been distant from him since maybe Thanksgiving because I knew he was hoping things would work out with the other girl and he was very unresponsive when I would text and ask how he was doing. I honestly thought they must have gotten together. I hadn't been able to talk to him about what happend on Thanksgiving when he went down to visit.

The night was a bit of a blur. I had the Singer flirting with me. There was a girl I met, a friend of The Drummer's, who was absolutely beautiful! I thought for sure she and The Drummer had to have hooked up. She kept asking if I was involved with any of the band members and I said no. This was before the kiss with The Drummer. She went after the Singer. He thought she was a bitch and asked me why she was being so crazy with him. I told him she was interested and before you know it they were making out! lol I couldn't help but laugh. Either way The Singer still thought she was psycho but went home with her. I had driven her down to the show so she said she was driving back with him and The Drummer. So when we were saying out goodbyes I hugged The Drummer goodbye he seemed confused and asked if I was driving home alone or if he was going with me. I wasn't sure how this all seemed worked out and I wasn't made aware of it but I, of course, welcomed him to come with me.

We talked on the way back about random nothingness. Mostly about how messed up people get and become the problem rather then the solution. I did find out the other girl has pretty much made it seem like she didn't want any kind of relationship. She still talks to him but that it's pretty much over. He mentioned the new girl I met that went with The Singer was the first bi-polar woman he wasn't attracted to. I told him I was shocked because I thought she was such a cool person and totally beautiful. He responded that it takes more then looks to make him attracted to someone. We were almost back to the Bassists house to where his car was when he offered for me to come over to his place. He added that he would be good. I teased and said, what if I don't want you to be good? He said, no matter what happened, he would be good to me. I knew what that meant and it was pretty much decided I'd spend the night.

I'm still kind of surprised by this though. I mean earlier that night I wasn't sure what was going on between us. He seemed to pull away and I knew it was for the best so I didn't push to keep communication open.

So we climb into bed. We're just cuddling at first. We talk about this and that and he started running his fingers through my hair and asks what I'm thinking about. I told him honestly that I was afraid I was being foolish by being in bed with him and he never really addressed that. He said he was thinking he didn't have too much to drink, meaning the sex would be good. It didn't take long for us to be going at it hot and heavy. We didn't go as long as usual. He had to be up at 6am for work and it was 3am!

We slept, at some point he pulled me close and intertwined with me. When it was time to get up, he told me to stay sleeping as long as I wanted and leave whenever. I took him up on that offer and happened to look up when he was rummaging through some pant pockets and realized how fucking hot he really is, even in his grungy work clothes. I couldn't believe someone so unbelievably sexy would like someone who didn't have a perfect body. I burried my head in the pillow and tried to shake the thought and he came and went out of the room while he got ready. At one point I heard the front door open and shut and then shortly after open again and he came back into the room and kissed me on the cheek. And I was pleasantly surprised to realize that was the only reason he came back in. As soon as I was sure he was gone I said aloud, Oh shit... I'm screwed.

Since that moment I haven't been able to stop thinking about him. I'm uncertain of my feelings. Even uncertain of his feelings. I know he cares for me but what is he thinking "this" is?! I haven't had the guts to ask him yet. He worked all day Saturday and we text a bit about how he was holding up but I didn't want to pester so I didn't text very much. Today I realized I've fallen. That there is no way I can keep this going without my heart getting hurt. I have thought of ways to ask him what's going on but my decision was to keep my distance. No need to freak him out by telling him I've fallen for him.

So I've kept looking at the picture above every chance I get. I sent him the picture to his cell but I never got a reply so I'm not sure if he gets pics. I think I vaguely remember him saying he couldn't wait to get an upgraded cell that would accept pics.

I'm not sure how I feel. He called me tonight after work. My heart skipped a beat. He was telling me how he survived at work and that The Singer was anxious to see the pics I took that night. I told him I had to deal with the paying gigs pics before I went through their show pics. He totally understood. He knew I was heading to a church Christmas party so we didn't talk long.

(sigh) I'm screwed.

And The Drummer's agreed to go with me to my old works reunion dinner. My old work that the Ex and I worked and got together at. Apparently my Ex is going to be there with his wife and I realized that though I may be cool seeing them and meeting her for the first time, I'm just not sure if I am ready to do it alone. I had asked him earlier in the week and he totally understood the reasoning without me needing to explain it. He said he cleaned up nicely and would gladly go with me if he didn't have to work. I'm not sure if he will go with me, and before Friday I wasn't sure if I wanted anyone to go, that I may want to face it alone. I know I'd have fun and I feel really good about myself. I can't imagine it being too hard. But I'll be curious if The Drummer does end up going as my date how it would go... We'll see.

Anyways, I have yet another new guy to add to my list but it's super late and I really need to get to bed. His nickname will be "African" because he's originally from Africa.

The lame line "Ooops I did it again" comes to mind and not in a good way

The Drummer - Blah! The Drummer and I had sex again... Honestly I'm not really sure I'm in the mood to go into details about it. I walked into the situation knowing it was possibly a mistake but I felt determined to stay focused about why I was there... He needed someone to talk to.

I got a drunk call from him at 1:30 Sunday night, technically Monday (11/16). He was hard to hear and understand because of how loud it was but I got the impression he was calling because he and his friend were too drunk to drive home. I kept trying to figure out where they were so I could come pick them up but couldn't hear a thing. A few minutes later I called him again and he was in the car on the way home. He was dropping off his friend and he asked me to come over. At first I told him there was no reason to come over but then he started getting emotional. Talking about how he has no one, he's depressed and I could tell he was beyond drunk.

I made the decision to go over and get him into bed and let him talk and that was it. I knew it was possibly a stupid move but I felt like there was no chance it would go further, he'd probably pass out before we could have sex.

So I got there at 2am and helped him get into bed. He hinted around to wanting sex and I told him that wasn't going to happen because he was too drunk and that I was only there to help him get into bed and let him talk. He was super appreciative that I was even there. He got emotional and we talked for a good couple of hours. Of course, we were cuddling up to eachother while he talked so yes, it was slightly intimate.

He would randomly turn the topic to why we weren't having sex, and I kept telling him it was because he was too drunk. He asked me to kiss him and I did and thats when things turned to sexual. The sex was not nearly as good as the first time, only because he was still not fully sober or functional. But I will say I did get off a few times. The poor guy didn't even get one. I found out shortly after the sexual stuff started that he had to be awake at 5am for work!

Ok since writing the above I've gone about my day. I have been a little concerned about my attachment with The Drummer so I decided not to text him today. Sure enough I get a call from him tonight! We talked for about 20 minutes and he ran out of minutes but then called me back (after buying more) and we continued to talk for another hour! It's so strange. I'm frustrated that he's now making any efforts. It's going to make it harder to keep my distance. (sigh)

So back to that morning. There were a couple oddities that night. I could tell he wasn't just talking to talk. He has feelings for me. The next morning I left so my brother wouldn't wake up and see I was gone and ask where or who I was with. I tried to make sure The Drummer was up before I left so he wouldn't be late for work but he kept falling back to sleep.

I got home and went straight to bed. I slept till about 9 and got up. I started to feel horrible about the events that took place. Why had I allowed myself to fall back into that situation? I was shocked it happened so quickly. It's only been two weeks! I was pretty discouraged about the whole situation for most of the morning.

The Drummer called me after work (he only ended up working half day) and we talked about the stuff that happened. He was in a great mood and totally flirty and upbeat about everything that it helped set my mind at ease to some extent. He wanted me to come over as soon as his roommates left so that we could have sex with him being sober. I was seriously tempted! But luckily I had a busy day and it was a good excuse to give him. I honestly just wasn't sure how to feel about the whole situation! I mean he still has feelings for that one girl for goodness sakes! Ugh!

So the week went by and we kept in touch more regularly then ever. Yet I also felt like I was contacting him a little too much. I usually would send a quick text and that be it but even that I felt was more then he wanted. I guess I was more paranoid then anything because he's called me a lot this week. Though tonight was the first time it was out of the blue and for no apparent reason. Which tugs at my pathetic heart strings.

We talked a little about what's going on with us. He says that it's more then just sex for him that he really cares about me. He likes me (though in the midst of sex he said out of the blue "I love you too" and I was stunned, when I didn't respond he was like "ok, I only like you"... Weird/freaky). He knows that if this other girl decides to go forward with a relationship between them that will be the end of us.

It's odd... I mentioned something about not having a real relationship for years, and I could tell he got a little offended. He brought up the fact that he thought of us as more. I told him that out of my flings, he's the one I've gone the furthest with but that because of his feelings for the other girl I'm doing my best to keep him at arms length.

Yet we talk about sex like it's going to happen again. I am afraid. I'm feeling like this could gradually grow into something more. Which we both thought wouldn't be good. So why are we even allowing it to happen?

Anyways, I should get to bed... but before I go a quick tidbit about Fresno...

Fresno - We were going to meet up a couple weeks ago but it didn't work out and I didn't go out of my way to make it work. This morning he asked me to come over to his place tonight and drink. I immediately felt like it was a booty call. But it wasn't until I found out he wouldn't be available till after 9:30 that I knew. I told him I was sick and really wasn't sure I'd be up to going out there. I used it as an excuse more then anything. I'm not sure why he's still pursuing spending time with me. It seems he's gone on a rebellious spree... He never seemed to drink much either but now he's all about drinking.

My friends are all surprised I get hit on so much. I on the other hand don't think it's that much. One friend says I get hit on more then any of her other friends. Today my friend responded to a text about Fresno with "LMAO!!! Girl u can get urself into some shit huh?! I totally say that with love...". But it's true! I feel like they all come out of left field. Luckily I'm not tempted as strongly with Fresno as I am lets say The Singer or The Drummer.

I'm also curious to what will happen with the Singer and the Drummer when I see them at their next show in mid-December. I don't expect to see the Singer before then. I am curious if The Drummer has told anyone about us fooling around. I know the Bassist talked to my sister like he knew something happened between me and the Drummer but it could be purely speculation based on information others knew and not because The Drummer told him. Anyways, I wonder if the Singer has any ideas if he'd still pursue something with me. Sad that I'm actually curious to try something with him.

Well I'm off to sleep.

Well that was unexpected!

The Drummer - So after my last post I met up with The Drummer. He was going to a local bar he frequents, we decided to meet up at his place. I was surprised to see another friend there but was definitely feeling the more the merrier. We went in my car and by the time we got to the bar the other guy was too nervous about running into his ex and decided to go home. So it was just me and the Drummer.

From the moment I got there I could tell he was in a great mood. Said he'd be buying me a drink right away and when the other guy decided to go home, he upped the number of drinks to two. Not sure why having that guy there or not made the number jump up but I didn't mind.

We had a great talk. We were joking around and even discussing his situation with his cousin. She's apparently pulled away quite a bit and he's realizing it's not going to work. I think it's for the best only because of all the drama they will receive if they do go through with having a relationship. I realized I didn't clarify in the last post that it is his 2nd cousin but still, kinda gross.

Well I drank my two drinks, and because I didn't even get to The Drummers place till midnight I already had a late start, I didn't have time to sober up by the time the bar closed. The Drummer had already stated that if I needed to I could crash at his place. So it was decided we'd walk back to his place because he lives just down the street. When we got out of the bar though he felt confident he could drive my car to his house without any major troubles. The whole time getting little gasps and giggles from me because I was nervous about cops and him damaging my car!

We made it back to his place and just started chillin. It was a lot of fun. We talked about anything and everything and the Bible included. It was decided I'd spend the night, though now I'm not so sure why we decided that. I really was sober enough to get home.

Anyways, at about 3:00 we decided it was time for bed. He gave me some of his pj bottoms to sleep in, I kept my shirt. It was quite comfy. I was a little surprised he was cool with us sleeping in the same bed. I had thought from the beginning he or I would be sleeping on the couch. So he put in the movie Garden State and as he did he said, "Oh did I mention it's ok to have sex if both people understand it's just that?" And of course I was laughing but still felt nothing would happen. I know... Naive! What can I say?!

So we were watching the movie and he opened his arms for me to cuddle up next to him and said it should be allowed. Of course you can imagine where that leads. A bit of rubbing and carressing and we were full on making out. He pulled me on top of him and when it got to the point of going all the way I told him I was on my period. After I was giving him head for a few seconds he asked what day, and to please tell him it wasn't day 1. I told him I was on the tail end and thats when he said to get my pants off and to get on top of him.

No major details to give other then it was fucking fantastic! He's slightly curved and me being on my period made me all that much more sensative, it didn't take very long for me to orgasm. The sex was incredible! I came a couple times before he did. Though it had been over a year since Burbank and I had sex. The Drummer said it was amazing and even said that was definitely not the last time we did that! He teased me about now realizing how much he liked me and that I should feel good about making him as hard for as long as a teenager boy!

It ended and I felt no major concerns or worries over my actions. We had a great time and we both agreed it wouldn't be the last time we did it. Though now I'm slightly concerned, only because I'm honestly not sure how to keep my emotions out of this. I've always known if I had sex with The Drummer it would tweak my emotions, unlike with Burbank when I still feel the same as I did when it was over... No attachment.

The Drummer has been a major crush for so long. And honestly I've been ok since then. I actually feel worse because I still really like the Singer and want things to happen with him. I'm not saying they can't but I just feel unsure of how this is all going to play out.

We decided we needed sleep at 5:30 and I got up at 7:30 to get back to my place to shower and head to church. I didn't start feeling the guilt of my actions till I was almost to church. I felt a sinking feeling of "what have I done!?"

Honestly, I'm not sure how I feel about my actions. Part of me says I don't regret my actions, the other part of me, the one with the good christian morals realizes how wrong my actions were. I've wanted The Drummer for so long and it honestly sucks that the sex was so good! I am not sure if we will allow ourselves to go there again. I'm doing my best to keep my distance, though we've text a lot more but not a ton. He teases me about being a vixen. Apparently as I was leaving he told me he was hard again in the morning and was hoping for one more go before I left. I, of course, didn't pick up on the clues. I was so focused on getting out of there I missed out. Though I am kinda glad we didn't only because the sex was so good the few hours prior, it would suck if the sex was mediocre.

I look back and realize we were both sober, we both realized what we were doing when we were doing it. In the midst of him being inside of me, he stopped and asked, you realize God is watching you right now. Seriously!? He would bring that up in that moment?! I gave him crap about it.

But we both agreed not to tell my brother about what happened. Though I knew by the fact that I didn't come home he would be suspicious. I told him I spent the night at a friends and I knew that wouldn't be enough for him. Sure enough after church he asked who I was with. I told him it was The Drummer and that I'd stayed at his place because I had too much to drink but stayed on the couch. My brother said he knew the moment I didn't tell him who, and that what I did was none of his business but just that I knew he didn't like The Drummer. (Sigh)

Well the above was written a couple days ago. I was texting the Drummer yesterday and asked how he was holding up. He said he was hangin in there and so I asked if he was still feeling anxious (about his cousin) and he said yes. I asked if there was anything I could do and he said "no but thank u. Unless u don't mind me being hard as a teenager!" to which i replied that I wasn't the one that was dealing with guilt and I asked how he was doing with that. He said "Fine cause I been drinkin beer and she hasn't said we're exclusive yet. If we were, nothin would have happened." I told him thats good and that made sense and to have a good night and that maybe I'd see him if the band practiced at the house this weekend. He said "cool can't wait".

I'm not sure why the part about him saying the reason we went there was because he'd been drinking beer. He was sober as far as I was concerned! But I understand the other part about nothing happening if they'd been exclusive. Something just bugged me though. I'm dealing with it. Right now it'll be very interesting to see how we relate if he commes over tomorrow.

I'm still in shock we actually had sex. But I guess looking back at the progression of our attraction and openness about it, it was inevitable.

Burbank - He's moving back down to Cali! I just talked to him for a couple hours the other night and he said his roommate and him got into it, and he's been slowly preparing to move back but now it's just pushed up to the end of the month! So I'm looking forward to him living closer!

The Singer & the rest of them

Dear Lord, its 2 in the morning and I'm wide awake! Didn't help that I had 2 jägerbombs when I was out tonight. But I figure it's about time I update on the many men in my life.

The Singer - is currently my lead interest. It was his birthday today, er I mean yesterday since its technically already the 31st. I hadn't seen him since September 26th when he told me when his birthday was. That was an interesting night but I'll go into that a little later.

So this afternoon I decided to call and wish him a Happy Birthday. It's been something I've been debating for quite a while but whenever I hesitated I thought of what Colorado taught me, if guys can't handle me being myself then I don't want them. So I did it, and of course got voicemail. I kept it short and sweet...

Hi "The Singer", I just wanted to call and wish you a Happy Birthday. Hope you're enjoying your day. Talk to you later.

As soon as I hung up I felt alright about it. I mean I wasn't sure when I was going to see him and I also know he thinks phone calls are so impersonal but I figured since I didn't know when I'd see him again it was ok.

Oddly enough though, I went to a show tonight of a mutual friend of The Singers and mine, and it turns out he was there! I was so shocked! First because I didn't expect he'd spend his birthday that way, and I also had heard him and another guy talking about going to a rave on his birthday which when I asked him about it he made it clear it wasn't something he was all that interested in doing.

But when I first saw him I was stunned and also a little embarrassed, I was wearing a cat costume since it was a mandatory costume event. I had cat ears, I had put a black nose and whiskers on my face. He was just in a regular sweatshirt. He looked good though. Really good. I finally got the courage to go up to him, the Drummer and the bassist (not to be confused with the guy I labeled "The Bassist") of his band. I could tell they were surprised by the costume but also thought I looked cute.

I got a little time to talk with The Singer. I guess he was shocked I remembered his birthday, he apparently didn't remember telling me. I got the impression he was a little freaked so I went back over and told him I hope it didn't creep him out that I called and he looked shocked and asked why would he be creeped out, but that it was just surprising because even his close friends didn't remember. I think I may have made some brownie points there.

As we talked I kept thinking of how cute he was. He was smiling ear-to-ear. My brother was ready to head out after our friends played so I said my goodbyes. One of these days I'm going to make out with that guy! I hope sooner rather then later.

I'm still so surprised by the timeline in all the events that have taken place with The Singer. I met him on New Years Eve. It was at First Kiss's bands show at a house. I remember thinking The Singer was cute then but he seemed a bit snobby. I saw him maybe two times in the first 6 months of 2009. And both times I wasn't looking my best. I believe he's seen me with no makeup on and my hair pulled back, the worst look for me! Well ok maybe I saw him more then that because their band came over to record and practice a couple times. I never felt as comfortable with them as my brothers band until their first show when I took pics. It wasn't until his band got going that I started seeing him about once-a-month or so.

June 2nd - His first show... I don't really know The Singer all that well. I (being outgoing) tease him that he should get used to getting his pic taken because when they make it big he'll have all sorts of pics taken.
July 17th - Take pics of his band's practice. He seems self conscious of me taking his pics.
July 18th - Big show with the remaining Ramones members. I got a picture with the band. I'm feeling more comfortable with him and teasing him more but nothing out of the ordinary.
August 11th - I went to a dive bar to watch his band and found him being more friendly then usual. I was laughing and cracking up by his jokes the whole night. When he first saw me he actually instigated the hug. I remember even sharing with the other band members that The Singer was in a really good mood because he'd never been so friendly with me. That was the night I realized how attractive he was.
August 15th - The Bassist invited me to their bands studio recording. I noticed The Singer made a comment about something between The Drummer and me to the Bassist. I remember thinking it was an odd comment, like he was very aware and paying close attention to the fact that something was going on between me and The Drummer.
September 3rd - He shocked me by asking if I wanted to go make out. Which he had apparently gone in to talk to The Drummer to confirm he was ok with the Singer making a move.
September 26th - He tried rubbing up against my boobs a couple times. Was more touchy. Told me he wasn't looking for anything serious in which I in turn told him I wasn't either. He asked about my brother and hadn't heard he was in the hospital and really took it to heart. Even said he was sorry and gave me a hug. Totally sweet! When I gave him a hug goodbye he held me a lot longer and kissed my cheek.
October 30th - He was flirty and seems happy that I remembered his birthday. But nothing more... We'll have to wait and see.

Ok so not that this has happened fast, but honestly if I look back at how many times I've seen him before he's made an obvious effort to seek me out is just surprising given my history with men. I mean it's not really 10 months, it's 5 events! Only 5 before he asked me to go makeout with him. It's still a low self image I guess. I mean I feel better then ever about myself but lately with all the attention I get from guys it still continually surprises me.

Well its super late and I have way too much to say about the others to post this... I'll come back maybe tomorrow.

First Kiss - I met with him Tuesday October 20th to drop off the pics I took at his bands show on September 19th. His work schedule is hectic so it was a last minute decision to meet up. I got there and he had a drink waiting for me. I really enjoyed hangin out and talking with him. We discussed a lot of random things. But we did start kissing and before I knew it, it turned into heavy kissing. I mean turning into possibly going to the bedroom kissing. He asked if I'd tuck him in, but again reminded me that he's a bit of a prude when it comes to sex but he wouldn't mind fooling around. He offered to have us do oral and next time go all the way but I told him I needed to go. I admitted my insecurities of being with him after he'd been with his ex who's got the perfect body and he told me he's liked me for a long time. That he wouldn't be pursuing anything if he didn't find me attractive. Which I knew but it's still awkward for me.

So now we're just waiting for our schedules to work out to where we can meet up again. Though he has admitted that if all we do is makeout he's ok with that. He likes me and enjoys hanging out. Oddly this makes him a good guy in my eyes. No pressure and all fun. I like this.

The Drummer - So things have been different for us. Some good, some bad. I noticed at the September 26th show that he and his cousin were a little more friendly with eachother then normal. It was something that The Bassist said that made it obvious I wasn't the first one to notice it. Knowing his past I wondered if he felt it was ok to be in a relationship with a cousin. So I decided to ask.

I sent him a text October 14th. I regretted sending the text asking him but was surprised to get a call from him a few hours later. We talked a little about it but his cell reception sucked so we agreed to meet to talk in person and I could tell he was excited to have someone to talk to about it.

I got there and sure enough he's interested in his cousin and she's into him. He wants to have a relationship with her but she's a little more freaked out about the fact that they're related. He sees nothing wrong with it and he really likes her. And to be honest it was a good talk. Though he asked what I thought about it and I told him I thought it was wrong. We debated it for a bit but I told him I'd have to think about it.

I felt the conversation went well. I could tell he appreciated that I was a true friend. He admitted he shared more with me then with anyone about his past. I was grateful that he trusted me with the information.

Then something happened... His cousin called while I was there and he admitted what he and I were talking about. She apparently didn't like that at all. She got angry with him.

Then October 19th I got a text from him at 1:45 in the morning saying "way 2 start stuff gosh darn!!!" which completely confused me. I sent him a text back asking if he meant that for me and he responded that yes it was but if I wanted to call I could.

We talked for about 2 hours about the drama of the situation with his cousin had caused him. Apparently another person told him it was the talk of the town. So he assumed I told people. I admitted people approached me about it but after he told me my suspicions were right I never told anyone. He was angry until I was able to convince him otherwise. By the end of our conversation I felt we were ok. We were joking and laughing about other things.

But I dropped off cookies last week and he seemed like he wanted nothing to do with me. He didn't really even seem to appreciate that I brought him cookies. I stayed 5 minutes and wished I never went. I saw him last night and he was nice enough but I was too focused on The Singer. The Drummer even thanked me for the cookies again and told me about how he brought them to work and the guys loved them.

I can tell with all this about his cousin it has made me lose my crush. It definitely changed my view of him. Anyways, I'm not sure where our friendship is as this point.

The Actor - We chatted the other day and the conversation turned sexual. He is looking forward to meeting in person. It was odd. He said he missed me. I'm a little unsure of what I feel about that. We barely know eachother. I also found out he's in a relationship! He says it's an open relationship but something tells me he's a womanizer and the relationship is only open because she's willing to take him back or let him cheat (I guess that is kind of what an open relationship is huh?). He has two kids with her too. I decided I have no problem flirting with him but I will never take him very seriously. He thinks we'd be good friends with benefits if he lived in California. He's planning on coming down soon and says he plans on being all over me while he's down here. (Sigh) Part of me thinks yes, another part thinks I'll be too busy thinking about his girlfriend and kids to think he's being honest about the open relationship.

Junior - So after the pic he's pulled away again. He's still sweet and sends texts now and then.

Fresno - Has moved back down to So Cal and wants to get together. He got a job so I'm not sure when we'll meet up. He wants to know what my schedule is like and I'm curious to see him but still unsure if I even want to meet up with him yet.

Seattle - He and I haven't emailed in quite a few months. I finally took the time to email him Friday early evening and was shocked to get a reply that same night. He has been wanting to email me too but has been really busy. I knew he was studying for a big test. I sometimes think of him as my reminder that I want to wait around for a guy like him, especially after dealing with the men I have in my life.

Washington - I sent him naked pics! Yes, you read that right. He said he's never received them so I decided why not!? I still can't believe I did it. But he was very impressed! I mean I've lost a lot of weight so I feel better about my body but it's nowhere near where I want it to be. He made me feel that I shouldn't worry about my body and that it was fine exactly as it is.

He and I have talked about our attraction. I know it's all about his personality. I haven't received many pics but he doesn't seem to be my type physically. He's funny though. And we have a great time, especially now that he isn't with the girl from Utah anymore.

Vegas - Still pursues me quite a bit. I still really regret not sleeping with him when I had the chance. I look back and realize that God must have set up the timeline for where I was mentally to save me from becoming a slut. I know this may sound funny but it's true. I still want him and if we lived closer that would be an interesting situation.

The Drummer and I have been texting and we just decided to meet up. So I'm heading off. I still need to send updates for a few more guys... Sadly there isn't much to report. Computer Geek is too busy these days. I was hoping to see Burbank soon but his finances have delayed his visit to Cali. He still talks about us hooking up whenever we talk on the phone. I think both of us are curious for another go. Geek Photographer and I have been talking quite a bit, even doing more photography things together. It's been cool. Older Guy has also been too busy to really get together. He wants to meet for drinks one of these days but that hasn't happened. Ok so I'm off for now.

If it's not one or a few, it's another!

Holy crap! Junior and I had a texting conversation at church today. We haven't texted much lately and when his girlfriend isn't there he's more open to it. So I was flirting with him. Yes, I know... Bad girl! Anyways, I was flirting with him. It seemed like he was into it and then trying to change the subject. He thinks it's weird that I know when he's gutter brained. I told him honestly I know when he is because of how he looks at me. He jokingly said if I wanted to try something he'd be so drugged and out of it with cold meds that I could get away with anything. I told him not to tempt me but what fun was that, I wanted interaction. He said to trust him there would be no problem with interaction.

So the conversation turned more clean and after church I ended up surprisingly going to lunch with him and his fam along with my sis and her boyfriend. I didn't realize he was going. So we talked like nothing happened. A couple sly smiles but nothing more. I got a text towards the end of the lunch saying he needed a shower and asked if I did too. I laughed and told him lets go!

I left and went to Barnes & Noble and he left to go shower. We were flirting pretty heavily about him being lonely in the shower and how I told him to know I was there in spirit and to let me know how I was. And then he asked if I wanted a picture so I could feel like I was there. I told him honestly yes!!! So he did! I got a picture of him standing naked in front of the bathroom mirror! I could see everything! I was completely shocked! When he asked I thought for sure he was just teasin but sure enough he sent it. And damn he looks good! I'm still surprised he really sent it!

So far the conversation has been pretty much stopped short. He's either embarrassed he sent it or just got too busy to continue texting me. I don't mind. I'm kind of unsure of what to think of myself and him! I feel dirty and wrong but I can't help but keep looking at it! Very nice!

First Kiss

Wow... Just wow... How do all these guys come out of the wood work?

First Kiss - Because I'm in the music scene where I live I know a lot of band guys. Well my First Kiss happens to be (take a wild guess...) a drummer. Well he and I have been here and there during these shows and it's been interesting running into him now and again. Well lately I've seen a lot of him and we've rekindled the friendship. He sadly is separated from his wife and I made a valiant effort to keep in touch and let him know he was in my prayers.

It was my birthday earlier this month and I had a bbq this last weekend. I invited First Kiss and he showed up. When I walked him out that night he gave me a kiss. Simple, clean (no tongue) but still a kiss. I was a little surprised but felt that it was just a friendly gesture.

I got a text from him this morning thanking me for the kiss. One thing led to another and I'm on my way to his place tonight for dinner. I am unsure of how to feel about all this. I guess I can share the texting conversation between us. I really was attempting to just be cute and flirty and before I knew it he was telling me he doesn't do the whole deal (sex) on the first date but because of work the next date won't be for another 2-4 weeks and he said he could wait and asked if I could!

First Kiss had sent me a text inviting me to his next gig...

Me: Hey there hot stuff! Thanks 4 stoppin by my bbq last night! & i'll try 2 b there but think i have a photo thing that night.
First Kiss: Sugar I don't expect you to pay 7 bucks to see us. And thanks for the bbq invite. And the kiss!
Me: Lol why don't u expect that? & u'r very welcome! 4 both ;-) It was a pleasant surprise. & I was really glad u came. I hope u had a good time. :) Just let me know when u'r in the mood 4 strawberries & cream*! ;-) lol!

*strawberries & cream reference: At my bbq I didn't have a cake for my dessert I had strawberries & cream. I offered him some and he jokingly told me he shouldn't do that because he associates strawberries and cream with sex! I teasingly said... Good to know! He responded that I should stop by any time with strawberries and cream! :)

First Kiss: I'm always in that mood! Always!
Me: Haha! :-D so when u gettin home from work tonight? Lol ok, ok... just kidding... I'll b a good girl.
First Kiss: I have no time for good girls! Haha unless they have a bad streak. Unfortunately I'm working 3 hours from home and get up at 3am. no telling when I'm getting back
Me: Do u really think i'm all "good girl"? I think u know by now that good girl image is just a facade. ;-) that bad streak is bubbling below the surface lol!
First Kiss: Mmmmm bubbling.
Me: Question is who's gonna b there when it explodes to the surface? ;-) hehe fun thoughts! Well i know u'r workin so have a good day & i'm gonna enjoy taking care of myself this morning thinking of the possibilities of u, me & some strawberries & cream!
First Kiss: Damn you just made me hungry!

Our texting conversation stopped for a couple hours at this point because something came up that I had to deal with.

First Kiss: Hey I asked (bandmate) last night what he put on youtube that you recorded and it was the song corporation. So how was I this morning? :)
Me: Lol!!!! Sadly I was detained from that pleasure but intend 2 go there later ;-) i'll let u know! & thanks 4 checking w/ (bandmate), i want 2 check it out.
First Kiss: You should save the pleasure for me you have a hair trigger
Me: Ok i think i should know what u mean but i don't! Lol hair trigger? & absolutely would love 2 save that pleasure 4 u! :-D
First Kiss: I mean you will be pleased more easily if you wait for the real thing. A hair trigger on a gun fires easily.
Me: Of course the real thing is ALWAYS better but how long will I have 2 wait? Lol i have some serious needs right now! ;-) might as well get mediocure satisfaction until i can get the real thing, right? & when i get the real thing appreciate it that much more! Basically i can't wait, get ur ass up here!
First Kiss: Well it's looking more promising for tonight than any other time in the next couple weeks with these jobs I'm on
Me: I just realized... I've changed a lot since u & i "hung out" back in the day :-D & really? Wow... Could I actually do this?! Damn temptations!
First Kiss: You haven't changed. You are just old enough to know that doing pleasurable things doesn't make you a bad person. You won't burn in hell for giving me some love.
Me: Lol! Guess thats true... ;-) U have no idea how tempted i am!
First Kiss: I'm not a do the whole deal on the first date guy. but my works gonna keep me from a second one, prob for 2 to 4 weeks. I can wait. Can you?
Me: Hehe yes i can wait. :-) i've been waiting for a while now lol whats a few more weeks? Hehe
First Kiss: Of course I can take care of you without taking my pants off. That's my favorite and it leaves something for the second date.
Me: Lol! Damn just the thought made me wet! But I'm kinda like u in not going crazy on the first date. It still takes me a bit 2 b comfortable w/ someone. :)
First Kiss: Well you should be comfy with me already but I know what you mean.
Me: Hehe yeah I guess u'r right. We'll have 2 see how it goes. :)
First Kiss: Looks like this is the only day for the next couple weeks I will be home before 7, which is my bed time since I get up at 3. Want to cruise over for dinner?
Me: Sure :) so what time should I get there then? & I'll need a refresher on how 2 get 2 ur place.
First Kiss: Not sure yet I'm in stopped traffic on the 105 freeway
Me: Ok just let me know when u have an idea :)

Anyways, it's time to head over there. I knew I wouldn't have time to finish the post. But I wanted this started so when I got back I can be ready to share...

...

Ok so dinner with First Kiss was Monday and its now Wednesday. I got over there and he was making dinner. We had a shot of tequila before and red wine with a yummy steak dinner. It was a nice time. I really enjoyed our conversation. He had warned me it would have to be an early night because of him needing to be up at 3am the next day for work. He was a gentleman the entire night. We were talking after we cleared the table and he went in for the kiss. It was gentle, sweet and not too much tongue. We kissed a few more times on the way out to my car but that was it.

I was proud of myself and was impressed with him truly being considerate of my feelings. I told him in our texting conversation that it took me a bit to be comfortable with someone. He said I should be comfortable with him but that he understood. This was in response to him offering to take care of me this time around and it would leave more for our next date.

I'm still unsure of how I feel about him and I even doing anything physical since his divorce isn't finalized. Sadly when I first met him 12 years ago he was only separated from his first wife then too! I was so young, so naive! And here I am again kissing a married man! And strongly considering having sex with him! Ugh!

The Drummer - Let’s rewind to the night of the bbq. The Drummer and I have been cool since the show where The Singer hit on me. I called him a couple days before the bbq to confirm he and his roommate were coming and he told me he hadn't forgotten he owed me a transvestite version of Marilyn Monroe singing "Happy Birthday Mr President" but that he was waiting for the right moment.

The day of my bbq he showed up about when most people did, maybe a tad late. I had put together pictures of the last year on my digital photoframe so everyone could see what I'd been up to in the last year of my life. The Drummer is in a lot of those pics. I even have pics of one of our earliest meetings (during my last birthday) where not even knowing him he was leaning to kiss my cheek. I still remember the day he came to band practice and I gave all the guys hugs but him (just because I didn't know him that well) and him giving me a hard time about not getting one, so I went over to give him one too... I guess you could say that's the start of it all for me. Ok sorry that was a side tangent....

Back to the photoframe. He was mesmerized by it! It was quite cute. I had pics of me with other guys & he asked me about them! hehe It was at some point of him checking out the pics that I had the guts to ask him if he had talked to The Singer about our night, part of me wondered if that's why The Singer asked me to make out with him or something. The Drummer then turns to me and says, no, how could I talk about something I don't even remember? And I do believe he has an interest in you. I told him that The Singer approached me at the last show and The Drummer said The Singer actually came to him at that show to ask if he (the Drummer) and I were dating. The Drummer told him no so that must have been when The Singer decided to make his move. I told him I was surprised and The Drummer teasingly said, it's not like guys aren't attracted to you! Apparently The Singer "threatened to come" to my bbq. I was hoping he would have but with what takes place later I'm kind of glad he didn't. I should be seeing The Singer not this weekend but next. I'll be curious to how he relates to me then.

During the bbq I tended to stick close by him when I could. At one moment I put my arm around his waist and he put his arm over my shoulder and we stayed like that for quite a while. Even with my brother walking around us. So at around 10 he tells me he's gonna head home and I was kind of bummed but understood. I walked people out and before I knew it everyone had gone home but The Drummer, The Bassist & his date.

The Drummer was giving me a hard time that it was my bday bbq and I did most of the work that he decided he wanted to take me out for a drink to relax. It was supposed to be me, him, The Bassist and his date but the Bassist & his date ditched out last minute. We went to his roommates bar. As we drove there we were talking and I asked him what he officially told the Singer. This was the start of our endless question and answer session that night.

As the night progressed I was able to ask him EVERY question I ever had and he seemed to give me straightforward answers! It was very therapeutic. In the end it was decided that yes, we both have an attraction to one another, we mean something to each other but our beliefs and lifestyle would never make for a good relationship. The Drummer is not able to give more then a one-nighter where he's at emotionally and I know I'm not emotionally untied to him to be able to just have a one-nighter with him. He mentioned that maybe give him a year and see where we're at.

He challenged me to ask him more questions and I decided for the blunt and asked if he wanted to fuck me, he said yes but then told me to ask if he would fuck me and I told him I didn't want to know that answer, which of course was no. Then I asked if he'd make out with me, and he asked how far and I said whatever, he said he'd give me a kiss with a little tongue and so we kissed. It was very nice! I really REALLY enjoyed kissing him. He's a good kisser. I like his style. It was very tender, slow and yummy! I thanked him and he got frustrated because he felt like thanking him made him feel like he did me the favor when in fact it was what he wanted.

On top of all this honesty I kept drinking... By the end of the night I had 7 shots and 1 beer! I was totally feeling it! I couldn't believe I had drunk so much but The Drummers roommate just kept bringing them! We decided to stay till his roommate was off because he had to take her home because she has no license because of a DUI. Yes, they are all hardcore drinkers! No wonder I've been drinking more and more since hanging out with them!

Anyways, I really like The Drummer! Like, REALLY! I realize it would be a bad relationship and in all honesty I am thankful he's the one with the level head about it, because I'm not. And actually I'm thankful he respects me enough not to go forward with just using me. He said I mean a lot to him. That he's VERY attracted to me. He even told me my weight wasn't an issue that he's wanted me even at my heaviest, though he would be honest that he's noticed the weight loss. But that I'm adorable. He admitted that I've scared him away at times. He also noticed that he hasn't succeeded at keeping off of me when he has the opportunity.

As far as The Singer asking if we were dating, apparently the Bassist has talked smack about us being involved. I'm still not sure about all that. I thought it interesting that The Singer even thought there was something going on between us. I jokingly told him it was no secret that I had a crush on The Drummer. I wasn't shy about letting it be known, but the idea that they would also feel the need to ask The Drummer... interesting.

No, I'm not reading more into that then there is. We've made the decision. No relationship. I will probably always want him. But he's a messed up individual! I've been learning more about his past and some of the things he told me are really sick & twisted… things that will mess with someone for their entire life. Things I don't think I could get past. He's a heavy drinker for a reason. He's had a rough life. His beliefs are definitely a little out there. He believes in anarchy. He's been in jail and been the punisher when someone didn't pay their debt.

My brother doesn't like the idea that The Drummer and I are getting closer. He feels that if the Drummer gets too comfortable he will turn on us in a moment. I have more faith in The Drummer then that but I can understand my brothers concerns now. The things he's been through and done. Though I do believe I have a better understanding of The Drummer then my brother does, that I know more then my brother. I think that also scares the Drummer. He's been rambling to me the last few times we've talked. He's even commented that it's a nice change to have someone keep asking the questions. So we'll see what happens over the next year of us knowing each other.

I'm going to head off and look at some of my bday bbq pics!

The Singer too!?! Really!?

Yes, I have to add a new guy! The lead singer to the drummer and bassists other band! But before I got into that story I realize I need to update what's happened with The Drummer.

The Drummer - Ok so apparently he's saying he doesn't remember our night, or the next day. Apparently he woke up on that Sunday and thought it was Saturday. Either way he avoided talking with me. In my last post I mentioned that I was invited to a local show by the Bassist the Tuesday after (Aug 11th). That went fine. No major drama. He didn't treat me rude but wasn't very flirty either.

On the way home I mentioned to them that I noticed the singer was in a really good mood because he was being really friendly and funny. That night the singer went out of his way to come give me a hug. He hung out with me, joking and laughing about the show and the other band. I decided at that moment that he was perfect for my friend. He was everything she loves in guys. And he's hot! I knew he was ultra critical but he was cracking me up that night. I had A LOT of fun because of him. I kept texting my friend telling her she had to come to one of their shows to meet this guy. I even took a picture and sent it to her. :) Eventually I was telling her that I was falling in love with him for her!

I was invited by the Bassist to their studio session that Saturday (Aug 15th) and there the Drummer and I were somehow in the same car driving to grab some food. In that drive he told me he didn't remember what happened that night and asked what happened and laughingly asked "we weren't naked were we?" And I said, actually yes we were! He was shocked! I'm still skeptical if he could honestly black out the entire weekend but oh well. So he asked how I could let him get that far with me and I told him I couldn't help myself. And added that we both had been drinking. His response was something like, well something tells me that will always happen if you combine me and you with alcohol. We got back to the studio and couldn't talk much so he text me "If the day comes when we're both naked again, i want 2 b soberish! ;)"

I didn't stay at the studio long. I got to hear a little of the Drummer being recorded and a little of The Singer being recorded before I had to go pick my brother up from the airport.

I saw The Drummer August 23rd, when my brothers band came over to record at the house. I only saw him for a short moment. My heart was pounding out my chest and I was pissed at my reaction to him. He was flirty which didn't make it any easier. I sent a couple text after I left and he never replied.

I'm having a birthday bbq next Saturday which he confirmed he wouldn't miss.

My brother went out of town again, he actually will be going out of town for a week out of every month. So I took the opportunity to ask the Drummer if he wanted to hang out to which he replied he was going out of town. This is where I made a bit of a mistake. I replied "of course you are! should I give up trying?" and I never got a reply. So ... I decided I'm done pursuing him and responded with "hehe I'll take that as a "yes". Have a fun time this weekend cutie & let me know if/when u want 2 hang out :-)" I wasn't bitchy but it was an official decision to stop trying to make something happen with him.

So I haven't seen the guys in the band till this last Thursday (Sept 3rd) for a show down in Anaheim. I always go and I am pretty much their photographer. I offered to drive anyone who wanted to go with me. The Drummer set it up to where he and I drove down to the show alone together. I was surprised because he's basically avoided me since that night we almost had sex. I kept my cool. Didn't force the conversation. He opened up about a lot of stuff about his past. I was very interested in hearing all his drama. He tends to go for girls that are bi-polar, which I'm not. I teased him that he needs to look for a girl thats not bipolar and he said he wasn't sure there were any and I said "we" are out there. He told me about being shot 5 times by gang members when he was like 21. He even felt awkward that he was sharing so much. I was realizing more and more he's definitely led a different life then myself and that I'm VERY naive in comparison to what he's been through. He talked a little about his jail time. We talked about both our experiences being unemployed for so long and the stress of living off of unemployment benefits.

We get to the show and he offered to get me in for free as his guest which I thought was sweet. His cousins were coming to the show and he said he didn't care if they had to pay when the other band members asked about giving his guest spot to one of them. His roommate came too (who also had to pay) and yet drove down with the bassist, which was the major sign that he was making an effort to spend time with me alone on the trip down.

The show was good. It was extremely hot and taking pics on top of that I ended up sweating like crazy. I felt like my face was dripping! My friend was finally able to come to the show and see and meet The Singer. She made it to the show late and missed their performance but once she saw him she was drooling! It was quite funny. He was being funny and talkative again. And the whole time I was making it easier for him to check him out.

The Singer - Later in the evening we were talking outside and waiting for everyone so we could leave and my friend went in to find out where everyone was at. The singer came over to me and under his breath so no one standing near us could hear asked "wanna make out?" And I was shocked! My mouth dropped to the floor I'm sure. I did a double take and couldn't help myself and said yes! So he said we should meet once we got to the house and dropped everyone off. Then casually walked back to where he was standing when my friend got back.

I couldn't believe what just happened! I felt horrible about trying to focus my friend on him! And I realized at that moment that I've liked him ever since the show on Aug 11th! When I said I was falling in love with him for her, I meant it! Well ok maybe not "love" but "in lust" for sure! Then I felt a sinking feeling about what to tell my friend. I have a history of stealing guys from her and honestly I thought the singer was so critical he would never be the kind of guy to give me a second glance! I mean I'm not saying he's asking to marry me or even be in a relationship, it's just kissing... But... You have to be attracted to someone to want to make out with them right?! And now the conversation with The Drummer that night where he opened up about another band member really liking me and him getting completely defensive about it, now makes sense. I think it's The Singer!

Sadly the night didn't work out the way The Singer and I had hoped. Everyone found out it was my birthday the next day, and at midnight they all sang happy birthday to me, and they wanted to take me out for a drink. By the time we'd finished last call The Singer wasn't at the house where we were dropping everyone off. I haven't talked to him since. I'm VERY curious to how our future interactions will be.

But I've relived conversations and situations with The Singer and the first time I noticed he was different towards me was the (Aug 11th) show I talked about where he was in a really good mood. I look back at this day and realize there were signs of the Singers interest. But I have no idea! And the worst part is that I'd totally makeout with him without any consideration to my friend! I'm actually hoping we get the opportunity! My other friend says that's totally messed up and horrible that I would chance ruining a friendship over a makeout session. And I'm thinking, why would my other friend have to know? hehe I know I'm messed up!

I've invited him to my birthday bbq but I'm not sure if he'll show up. So it'll be interesting to see what happens. They have another show on September 26th so if he doesn't show at the bbq I'll see him then.

The Bassist

So the Bassist... Gosh, is that really what I should call him? He's the guitarist of the other band that he and the Drummer are in. He's also a hair stylist and not in the gay way either! Hmmm.... I guess since I've always referred to him as The Bassist, I'll keep it at that.

I just got done stopping by my sisters work. She's a hair stylist and works at the same salon as the Bassist. Anyways, the Bassist was there and jokin with me about my partying on Friday. It appears The Drummer hasn't shared that I was over there with him otherwise I'm sure he would have mentioned it. I'm glad.

On my way over to my sisters I stopped and grabbed her a coffee. She called and when I told her it was "just because" she thought it was sweet. The Bassist heard it was me and said it was because of him, that I just wanted to see him so I'm using it as an excuse. When I laughed and told her that was exactly the reason and she told him and he said he needed that. Apparently things aren't going so well with his girlfriend. They've been off and on for a while now.

But... I was invited to a show tonight. The Drummer hasn't contacted me and I am unsure of how he'd respond to that. I'm sure the Bassist will tell him at practice tonight. Either way the Bassist told me he wants to meet before the show for a drink. It wasn't until he walked away that my sister told me he was really bummed he didn't reply to my text on Friday night. He told my sister that he really missed out! The look on my sisters face was interesting. I wonder if she suspects he likes me or not. She's not likely to imagine he would.

So I actually text The Drummer just to let him know The Bassist had invited me and asked if he would be cool with that since he asked for a couple days. He replied immediately that of course he'd be cool with that but I responded that I was just checking because I wanted to respect his request. He then called me and we talked a little but just about how he's been dealing with unemployment issues and had a lot on his mind and he said he would see me tonight so I guess we'll see how that goes.

ACK!

The Drummer - Another "Holy Shit" Night! Friday night I went out with the girls for some drinks.

So setting up how this all came about... We stayed at a local brewery and decided once that died down we weren't ready to end the night. I had already had a couple drinks which is my usual cutoff point. I text the bassist from the band for suggestions of where to go on a friday night but he didn't reply. So I decided to text The Drummer. I was surprised to get the response that he had a jacuzzi and it was a nice night out so we should come on over. I told him we didn't have suits but we'd stop by. He was delayed in his replies so we decided to go to a bar I knew of and it was also close to his place so when we got directions we could just head over there. I didn't have good reception at this place so our texting conversation spread out over about an hour. I didn't get a couple of the texts till after I left the bar even. He was basically offering to meet me at the bar or come pick me up since I said I'd have to wait to head over there since I had just had a couple more shots in a row and needed to mellow out before driving. One of my friends wanted to get home so I dropped her back off at her car before heading over to his place. My other friend stayed with me.

We got to The Drummers at about 1:30am. I could tell once we got there that he himself had been drinking quite a bit. But he immediately offered to get me another drink and I went for it. At this point I've consumed more alcohol then I have in years! My friend, me and the Drummer debated some rather silly topics, maybe the topics weren't silly but the arguments were rather silly.

One thing I noticed early on is The Drummer did NOT like my friend. I noticed that even us all being drunk I understood what he was meaning just because I know him, whereas she got easily offended or confused or even frustrated with the lack of complete thought. Which in all honesty I thought rather messed up considering we were debating drunk!

Either way, as the night progressed and with each bathroom break my friend took The Drummer got closer. First telling me that the reason he hasn't asked me out is soley out of respect for my brother. Second kissing me on the cheek for some reason. Third was a kiss on the lips. Fourth full on make out session. Fifth we didn't even stop when she came back! haha I was kinda surprised with my own behavior!

It was interesting how much he shared. I still have a lot of questions for him but I may not get my answers just yet if ever (I'll explain that more later). Apparently he's liked me from the beginning! He asked if I noticed how many women he's dated since we've started getting to know each other. I guess he's not the only one interested. He even got somewhat aggressive when asking why I liked him because there was a better looking guy out there interested in me. When I seemed shocked by this he didn't believe that I didn't know who he was referring to and when I argued that I really had no clue he said he wasn't going to tell me. It was odd. He kept saying he missed me. Missed coming over all the time. At one point in the evening he said I was the most beautiful person he'd ever met. And to be honest my thoughts were, does he think I'm someone else and/or is this his attempt to get into my pants.

By 4am he was having a hard time keeping his hands off me even when my friend was around and that's not something I usually do. So I told him I should go not out of frustration but just that it was late. My friend picked up my keys and gave me some privacy to say my goodbyes. And what happened next was kinda crazy. I'm not going to go into detail but it was like with every effort to keep my clothes on, more came off! As much as I've wanted to have sex with him, I didn't want it to be with both of us being drunk. He was a bit aggressive at times but if I looked him right in the eyes and told him I didn't want it this way he would back off. I told him to come over Sunday night because I had the house to myself and he agreed. I would get whatever clothes back where they belonged we'd start kissing again and it would start all over. Each time, more clothes coming off. At one point we were both naked in his room on his bed and I swear for a moment I almost just said forget it, and let him go for it but somehow I refrained. I got my clothes on permanently this time and he walked me out and kissed me goodnight.

My friend was asleep in the car when I got out there and by this time it was after 5am! I got home and set up a bed for my friend in my office and I crashed! I woke up at 8:15 not able to go back to sleep so after an hour of thinking about all that took place the night before I finally just decided to get up. My friend was up and had been talking with my brother. It was then that I saw it! I got a hicky on my neck and my hair was pulled up. It was only lightly discolored but still! I was hoping my brother didn't see it. It was hard enough to explain why I got home so late because there was no way in hell I was going to tell him I spent the evening with The Drummer. I slowly got ready and decided as much as I didn't feel hungry, food was probably a wise choice. As I ate my breakfast I was shocked to see that The Drummer was calling me! It was about 11.

I took the call in my room and to my MAJOR surprise he remembered the night before and was very excited about the chain of events that brought me over to his place. He couldn't remember all the details but said he woke up surprised not to see my face sleeping next to him. He was worried he had something to make me angry and leave. He reiterated all the things he said while drunk which shocked me even more! Here he was sober telling me that he's liked me for a long time and was really glad I came over and he was hoping he didn't embarrass himself too much by how drunk he was. He then shared (without me asking) that all the guys involved with the band think I'm really pretty but the bassist of the band is the other person who's been interested in asking me out but won't because of the situation with my brother and his dislike of my sisters current boyfriend (who used to be a good friend of his). We talked about each of our surprise at finding out how much we liked each other without really knowing it. He said his head hurt and he was glad to see I made it home safely. When I told him I wasn't ever going to tell my brother where I was he said he was bitter about the situation with my brother. That he didn't think it was fair he couldn't ask me out. We joked that if I got pregnant and we had to tell my brother how he'd react. Not pleasant!

Not only was I surprised by all his confessions but just that he called! He never really seems to make much effort to communicate. Our conversation was cut off by him running out of minutes. So he kept texting me which surprised me even more! He asked me to come over. I told him I had to take my brother to the airport and then I had a bbq to go to. He was bummed and asked me to skip the bbq and head over after I dropped my brother off, I agreed to.

So after dropping off my brother I head over to his place. I get there and his roommate tells me he's asleep and doesn't think it's a good idea for me to wake him. So I left him a note on his bed where I could see he really was conked out. I knew he didn't have minutes so I wasn't sure how or when we'd communicate or if he even remembered he had agreed to come over Sunday night.

So Saturday I actually slept a lot. I was still recovering from the alcohol the night before and of course with all irony started my period on top of that! Sunday I went to church and suddenly felt very guilty for my behavior, not because of church, it was in the worship I struggled with everything and how far I went. As I worshiped I asked God for forgiveness but also struggled with doing so because I knew I was still sooo very tempted to have The Drummer come over and have sex with him, and still felt that it was a high possibility and had an excitement about that possibility. It wasn't until the message that my whole perspective changed. The title of the message was "You Are Forgiven"!!! And it was referring to Gods acceptence and immediate forgiveness when we seek it. I started tearing up within the first couple minutes of the message. I went up after for prayer, prayer for strength because even then I still had every intention of sleeping with The Drummer this week and having just asked for forgiveness I knew this was the wrong way to look at it.

And as soon as I got prayer I felt different. Uncertain. Not sure how to approach the situation. I mean in all the times I had fantasized about sleeping with him it was purely physical and with the things he shared it seemed it could turn more emotional if I allowed myself to sleep with him. But I knew he and I would never be compatible for a relationship with our different views on a lot of things. I had decided at that point to ask The Drummer a few questions. I needed to find out if he was wanting it to be more like a relationship or just a one-night-stand or maybe even just friends with benefits. At this point I think that last one is going to be near impossible but who knows. I'd still like to talk to him about where he's at with this whole thing.

Sunday night I text him asking if he had minutes and this is what followed.
The Drummer: I don't by the way, i'm so sorry about the weekend no one should deal with me when i'm drunk
Me: Ooops sorry... No worries... Just wondering when i get to see u
The Drummer: I don't know i'm a little ashamed of myself and have 2 figure some things out u rock so i don't want 2 take advantage of u
Me: Hey i'm in the same boat... I think we're on the same page. But i'd still like 2 talk about it. Unless u think even that is a bad idea.
The Drummer: Not a bad idea give me a day or 2?
Me: I can do that. :-) i'll let you contact me but please don't avoid me. Just know i think u'r great & want u in my life at the very least as a good friend k?
The Drummer: Absolutely :-)

So it looks like it's all going to work out in the end. We both will agree it was a mistake. We'll feel more comfortable flirting, at least I hope so... I feel good about the possibilities but who knows if he'll even contact me in a day or two. I plan on doing my very best to not make the first move since I told him I'd let him contact me. And I've got to accept that this could be the end of any open communication. The Sunday he hit on me he never brought up again until Friday night when we were intertwined and involved in heavy petting. I think I'll miss the openness of those moments. We completely opened up. Even the next morning. He told me things he remembered about the night. Specific things he enjoyed learning about me (like how I had a text ready to send to him inviting him over when my brother went out of town in my draft folder for at least a week, or that I shave down there and even that I was strong enough to hold off and wait till we were both sober). Complete openness and now I have a feeling his shame is going to make him close up again. I really hope not. The fact that he said he needed a day or two makes me hope he really will meet with me before my brother comes back in town. We'll see, but I'm not holding my breath.