I love my family

Here it is, Sunday evening and I'm filled with love for my family. My sister and her family came over for dinner. I love my neice and nephew! They just give so much love, and are willing to accept anything I can offer them in return! It's been a while since the family has gotten together and today was just a fun filled day.

Ironically I've been struggling the last couple months. With all the changes in my life I should realize how much God is doing in my life. But sometimes change can feel overwhelming. I enjoy evenings like this because they are taken at face value. A good time with the family. It gets my mind off of all the other every day issues that I've been facing. I stopped everything to wrestle and play with my neice and nephew! It was a nice break from things.

I've faced a lot of truths this week. Painful truths. Truths that break my pride, and cause all sorts of uncomfortable soul searching. God has been trying to get me out of this slump. Well I would hope, I can't guarantee, that whatever it was that I desperately needed to get through my thick skull is finally starting to penetrate! God can do infinitely more then I could ever dare to ask or hope for in my life. I need to keep focused on that truth.

I feel like I'm starting to finally experience the new year sensations. I'm surprised that it's taken me this long to start looking ahead considering I usually get inspired in the new year! I finally feel something changing inside of me. Sometimes it's painful to realize that change is necessary, and other times it can be exciting to face the new possibilities.

Right now I feel a sense of excitement. Whereas before I felt a sense of dread about my life and where it was going, a sort of depression. God is faithful, he continues to work in our lives even when we are throwing ourselves pity parties.

Well it's late and I have an early morning.

I'm sad

I'm sad... And I need to vent... Why is it that some people find love when they are young? And others have to wait? Why is it that my first boyfriend had to be such an asshole? Why is it that my last boyfriend couldn't submit his life to Jesus!? These questions will go unanswered until... Until I meet him... the one.. My husband. Whoever or wherever he is.

Things with my recent ex have been uncomfortable. We work together so we have been trying to make the "just friends" thing work. Sadly ... I think it finally has started working. Just in the last couple weeks I've noticed we don't call eachother so much (still more then once-a-day), I feel more lonely because I know I can't depend on him so much. I try really hard not to anyways. I feel separated. The "just friends" thing may actually not be working... We may in fact lose touch alltogether. But I'd rather be on good terms then like it was with my first boyfriend.

Why though? Why is it that my sister found her true love at 22, my best friend found it at 23, and I am 27 and have yet to find it. I'm not old by any means. I'm just starting to realize how much I do want a family, to get married, to own a home, have a baby: these are things I'm really wanting right now. My mom says maybe God's preparing me. I say fine, but I shouldn't be desperate for it. I should be content where I'm at. Isn't that when love smacks you in the face? When you're not looking for it? I fear at this point if I did meet anyone of the opposite sex even close to my age and single I'd be measuring him up. That's not how it should be. And that's not how I normally am. And the second reason I don't believe that is the case is that right now I'm just feeling lonely, because the actual finality of my ex and myself is truly sinking in. I wouldn't want to find someone now anyways.

Valentines Day has never affected me, and may not affect me now. I just know that I went out with just "the girls" last friday night, and found myself left out of conversations about the different ways to stop your husband from snoring, or who spoons who... It's things like this that leave a lasting impression on my loneliness. My desire to share that with my husband, and wishing with everything in me that I never knew how it felt to have to stop someone from snoring, or how it feels to spoon and wake up and adjust together in the middle of the night. The sad part is I do know that feeling. I have experienced it. And it's a wonderful feeling. "When I'm asleep, I want somebody who will put their arms around me and kiss me tenderly. Though things like this... make me sick, but in a case like this, I'll get away with it." - Martin Gore Lyrics to one of my alltime favorite songs ever...

Somebody

I want somebody to share
Share the rest of my life
Share my innermost thoughts
Know my intimate details
Someone who'll stand by my side
And give me support
And in return
She'll get my support
She will listen to me
When I want to speak
About the world we live in
And life in general
Though my views may be wrong
They may even be perverted
She will hear me out
And won't easily be converted
To my way of thinking
In fact she'll often disagree
But at the end of it all
She will understand me

I want somebody who cares
For me passionately
With every thought and with every breath
Someone who'll help me see things
In a different light
All the things I detest
I will almost like
I don't want to be tied
To anyone's strings
I'm carefully trying to steer clear
Of those things
But when I'm asleep
I want somebody
Who will put their arms around me
And kiss me tenderly
Though things like this
Make me sick
In a case like this
I'll get away with it

This song pretty much sums up how I feel tonight. Longing for that feeling. I can see how people become addicted to it. I have my fair share of time alone, and I should be able to get back to that contentment of it... eventually.

I don't want to be here...

So I'm stuck at work and I don't want to be here. It's Saturday! Who should ever have to work overtime on a Saturday!? Well I know there are lots of us. We have to do what we have to do to get the job done. But right now the atmosphere of my workplace is that of a slow death... I'm watching everything decay around me. The stench of despair, hopelessness and anguish make coming to work a misery.

I do believe the company I work for has just taken a DRASTIC step in the WRONG direction and it is causing the slow death of the company as well as the employees in it. This sounds so morbid, but it truly is rather amazing how quickly it took a turn for the worse. I had just made the choice to update my resume' the week before last and never got around to it. Earlier this week I had decided to make time for it this weekend. Then midweek it felt like I had no other options. I still have a job and I still have projects that need to get done. There is so much despair in all of my co-workers, even if we did make it through this tough time I don't necessarily see that any of the current employees will still be here. Including myself. I think I have seen 1/6 of the company that actually doesn't mind sticking it out. The other 5/6 are ready to walk.

I believe it was God who gave me the prompting to update my resume' and now I know there's a good reason for it. I am updating it this Sunday and will start looking through the paper to see if I can find something. I am not even sure what to look for. My career has taken a mold of its own, and I have a few different directions I could go. I ultimately want what God wants for me. So I am praying that He gives me wisdom. I don't feel that moving is what needs to take place. I feel strongly about working closer to home. Less of a drive and more time for myself. Right now my commute is an hour there and back every day. I waste 10 hours a week driving to work and back!

Well speaking of work, I really do need to get busy if I actually want to get done in enough time to enjoy my weekend plans.