The Singer & the rest of them

Dear Lord, its 2 in the morning and I'm wide awake! Didn't help that I had 2 jägerbombs when I was out tonight. But I figure it's about time I update on the many men in my life.

The Singer - is currently my lead interest. It was his birthday today, er I mean yesterday since its technically already the 31st. I hadn't seen him since September 26th when he told me when his birthday was. That was an interesting night but I'll go into that a little later.

So this afternoon I decided to call and wish him a Happy Birthday. It's been something I've been debating for quite a while but whenever I hesitated I thought of what Colorado taught me, if guys can't handle me being myself then I don't want them. So I did it, and of course got voicemail. I kept it short and sweet...

Hi "The Singer", I just wanted to call and wish you a Happy Birthday. Hope you're enjoying your day. Talk to you later.

As soon as I hung up I felt alright about it. I mean I wasn't sure when I was going to see him and I also know he thinks phone calls are so impersonal but I figured since I didn't know when I'd see him again it was ok.

Oddly enough though, I went to a show tonight of a mutual friend of The Singers and mine, and it turns out he was there! I was so shocked! First because I didn't expect he'd spend his birthday that way, and I also had heard him and another guy talking about going to a rave on his birthday which when I asked him about it he made it clear it wasn't something he was all that interested in doing.

But when I first saw him I was stunned and also a little embarrassed, I was wearing a cat costume since it was a mandatory costume event. I had cat ears, I had put a black nose and whiskers on my face. He was just in a regular sweatshirt. He looked good though. Really good. I finally got the courage to go up to him, the Drummer and the bassist (not to be confused with the guy I labeled "The Bassist") of his band. I could tell they were surprised by the costume but also thought I looked cute.

I got a little time to talk with The Singer. I guess he was shocked I remembered his birthday, he apparently didn't remember telling me. I got the impression he was a little freaked so I went back over and told him I hope it didn't creep him out that I called and he looked shocked and asked why would he be creeped out, but that it was just surprising because even his close friends didn't remember. I think I may have made some brownie points there.

As we talked I kept thinking of how cute he was. He was smiling ear-to-ear. My brother was ready to head out after our friends played so I said my goodbyes. One of these days I'm going to make out with that guy! I hope sooner rather then later.

I'm still so surprised by the timeline in all the events that have taken place with The Singer. I met him on New Years Eve. It was at First Kiss's bands show at a house. I remember thinking The Singer was cute then but he seemed a bit snobby. I saw him maybe two times in the first 6 months of 2009. And both times I wasn't looking my best. I believe he's seen me with no makeup on and my hair pulled back, the worst look for me! Well ok maybe I saw him more then that because their band came over to record and practice a couple times. I never felt as comfortable with them as my brothers band until their first show when I took pics. It wasn't until his band got going that I started seeing him about once-a-month or so.

June 2nd - His first show... I don't really know The Singer all that well. I (being outgoing) tease him that he should get used to getting his pic taken because when they make it big he'll have all sorts of pics taken.
July 17th - Take pics of his band's practice. He seems self conscious of me taking his pics.
July 18th - Big show with the remaining Ramones members. I got a picture with the band. I'm feeling more comfortable with him and teasing him more but nothing out of the ordinary.
August 11th - I went to a dive bar to watch his band and found him being more friendly then usual. I was laughing and cracking up by his jokes the whole night. When he first saw me he actually instigated the hug. I remember even sharing with the other band members that The Singer was in a really good mood because he'd never been so friendly with me. That was the night I realized how attractive he was.
August 15th - The Bassist invited me to their bands studio recording. I noticed The Singer made a comment about something between The Drummer and me to the Bassist. I remember thinking it was an odd comment, like he was very aware and paying close attention to the fact that something was going on between me and The Drummer.
September 3rd - He shocked me by asking if I wanted to go make out. Which he had apparently gone in to talk to The Drummer to confirm he was ok with the Singer making a move.
September 26th - He tried rubbing up against my boobs a couple times. Was more touchy. Told me he wasn't looking for anything serious in which I in turn told him I wasn't either. He asked about my brother and hadn't heard he was in the hospital and really took it to heart. Even said he was sorry and gave me a hug. Totally sweet! When I gave him a hug goodbye he held me a lot longer and kissed my cheek.
October 30th - He was flirty and seems happy that I remembered his birthday. But nothing more... We'll have to wait and see.

Ok so not that this has happened fast, but honestly if I look back at how many times I've seen him before he's made an obvious effort to seek me out is just surprising given my history with men. I mean it's not really 10 months, it's 5 events! Only 5 before he asked me to go makeout with him. It's still a low self image I guess. I mean I feel better then ever about myself but lately with all the attention I get from guys it still continually surprises me.

Well its super late and I have way too much to say about the others to post this... I'll come back maybe tomorrow.

First Kiss - I met with him Tuesday October 20th to drop off the pics I took at his bands show on September 19th. His work schedule is hectic so it was a last minute decision to meet up. I got there and he had a drink waiting for me. I really enjoyed hangin out and talking with him. We discussed a lot of random things. But we did start kissing and before I knew it, it turned into heavy kissing. I mean turning into possibly going to the bedroom kissing. He asked if I'd tuck him in, but again reminded me that he's a bit of a prude when it comes to sex but he wouldn't mind fooling around. He offered to have us do oral and next time go all the way but I told him I needed to go. I admitted my insecurities of being with him after he'd been with his ex who's got the perfect body and he told me he's liked me for a long time. That he wouldn't be pursuing anything if he didn't find me attractive. Which I knew but it's still awkward for me.

So now we're just waiting for our schedules to work out to where we can meet up again. Though he has admitted that if all we do is makeout he's ok with that. He likes me and enjoys hanging out. Oddly this makes him a good guy in my eyes. No pressure and all fun. I like this.

The Drummer - So things have been different for us. Some good, some bad. I noticed at the September 26th show that he and his cousin were a little more friendly with eachother then normal. It was something that The Bassist said that made it obvious I wasn't the first one to notice it. Knowing his past I wondered if he felt it was ok to be in a relationship with a cousin. So I decided to ask.

I sent him a text October 14th. I regretted sending the text asking him but was surprised to get a call from him a few hours later. We talked a little about it but his cell reception sucked so we agreed to meet to talk in person and I could tell he was excited to have someone to talk to about it.

I got there and sure enough he's interested in his cousin and she's into him. He wants to have a relationship with her but she's a little more freaked out about the fact that they're related. He sees nothing wrong with it and he really likes her. And to be honest it was a good talk. Though he asked what I thought about it and I told him I thought it was wrong. We debated it for a bit but I told him I'd have to think about it.

I felt the conversation went well. I could tell he appreciated that I was a true friend. He admitted he shared more with me then with anyone about his past. I was grateful that he trusted me with the information.

Then something happened... His cousin called while I was there and he admitted what he and I were talking about. She apparently didn't like that at all. She got angry with him.

Then October 19th I got a text from him at 1:45 in the morning saying "way 2 start stuff gosh darn!!!" which completely confused me. I sent him a text back asking if he meant that for me and he responded that yes it was but if I wanted to call I could.

We talked for about 2 hours about the drama of the situation with his cousin had caused him. Apparently another person told him it was the talk of the town. So he assumed I told people. I admitted people approached me about it but after he told me my suspicions were right I never told anyone. He was angry until I was able to convince him otherwise. By the end of our conversation I felt we were ok. We were joking and laughing about other things.

But I dropped off cookies last week and he seemed like he wanted nothing to do with me. He didn't really even seem to appreciate that I brought him cookies. I stayed 5 minutes and wished I never went. I saw him last night and he was nice enough but I was too focused on The Singer. The Drummer even thanked me for the cookies again and told me about how he brought them to work and the guys loved them.

I can tell with all this about his cousin it has made me lose my crush. It definitely changed my view of him. Anyways, I'm not sure where our friendship is as this point.

The Actor - We chatted the other day and the conversation turned sexual. He is looking forward to meeting in person. It was odd. He said he missed me. I'm a little unsure of what I feel about that. We barely know eachother. I also found out he's in a relationship! He says it's an open relationship but something tells me he's a womanizer and the relationship is only open because she's willing to take him back or let him cheat (I guess that is kind of what an open relationship is huh?). He has two kids with her too. I decided I have no problem flirting with him but I will never take him very seriously. He thinks we'd be good friends with benefits if he lived in California. He's planning on coming down soon and says he plans on being all over me while he's down here. (Sigh) Part of me thinks yes, another part thinks I'll be too busy thinking about his girlfriend and kids to think he's being honest about the open relationship.

Junior - So after the pic he's pulled away again. He's still sweet and sends texts now and then.

Fresno - Has moved back down to So Cal and wants to get together. He got a job so I'm not sure when we'll meet up. He wants to know what my schedule is like and I'm curious to see him but still unsure if I even want to meet up with him yet.

Seattle - He and I haven't emailed in quite a few months. I finally took the time to email him Friday early evening and was shocked to get a reply that same night. He has been wanting to email me too but has been really busy. I knew he was studying for a big test. I sometimes think of him as my reminder that I want to wait around for a guy like him, especially after dealing with the men I have in my life.

Washington - I sent him naked pics! Yes, you read that right. He said he's never received them so I decided why not!? I still can't believe I did it. But he was very impressed! I mean I've lost a lot of weight so I feel better about my body but it's nowhere near where I want it to be. He made me feel that I shouldn't worry about my body and that it was fine exactly as it is.

He and I have talked about our attraction. I know it's all about his personality. I haven't received many pics but he doesn't seem to be my type physically. He's funny though. And we have a great time, especially now that he isn't with the girl from Utah anymore.

Vegas - Still pursues me quite a bit. I still really regret not sleeping with him when I had the chance. I look back and realize that God must have set up the timeline for where I was mentally to save me from becoming a slut. I know this may sound funny but it's true. I still want him and if we lived closer that would be an interesting situation.

The Drummer and I have been texting and we just decided to meet up. So I'm heading off. I still need to send updates for a few more guys... Sadly there isn't much to report. Computer Geek is too busy these days. I was hoping to see Burbank soon but his finances have delayed his visit to Cali. He still talks about us hooking up whenever we talk on the phone. I think both of us are curious for another go. Geek Photographer and I have been talking quite a bit, even doing more photography things together. It's been cool. Older Guy has also been too busy to really get together. He wants to meet for drinks one of these days but that hasn't happened. Ok so I'm off for now.

When it rains it pours...

So when it rains it pours. All the same week the drummer hit on me. I must have had some aura go out into the universe to let guys know I was horny.

Junior - We were sitting in church a couple weeks ago. His girlfriend wasn't there because she was working. He sends me a text about the message and then it starts somewhere in the middle of the service...

Junior: Haha first im thinkin you sure are purty and I wnder if uve had any dreams lately and i'm thinking i just got convicted on tithing. :-(
Me: Haha :-D well now I'm blushing! And sadly no dreams like that ;-) not recently anyways....

Then after the service...

Junior: Do u want to cme to the bac room wit me? ;-)
Me: Be right there! Oh darn mike's back there!
Junior: Not any more.

It never worked out for me to get back there but when he walked by me he gave me a huge grin. Then as we were leaving he was hugging everyone goodbye and passed right by me. I made him give me a hug before he left then received another text shortly after he drove away.

Junior: I didn't kno if i could control myself if I hugged u lol!
Me: Haha what would you have done if I really showed up in the back room?! You are such a tease!
Junior: Hah idk it was kinda spure of the moment so whatever came to mind first ;-)
Me: Haha now that could have been fun! :-D
Junior: Definitely! We could have even locked the door! hehe
Me: Ooooh now you're definitely giving me material for some dreams lol!!! So naughty ;-) But do the dreams count if I'm still awake? ;-) lol
Junior: Lol ur a funny funny girl! I love it!
Me: Yeah I'm also a bad girl! ;-) I'm not holding back like I should... Sorry I can't help myself... Hehe you don't seem to mind, do you?
Junior: Haha its ok u can be a VERY bad girl! Lol does that answer ur question?
Me: Lol! If I had the guts i think you'd have been VERY surprised if I did show up in the back room lol!!!! But alas I have to be good... 0;-) Maybe if you're ever single again hehe
Junior: Hah it would have been a pleasant surprize hun!!! :-) and alright i might have to become single to see what happens... Ok so now that u have me al hot and wanting u... I miss u "clandestine"! :-) :-P
Me: haha!!! You are SOOO not helping me think pure thoughts here! Lol!!! And I miss you too "Junior"! ;-) I'm kinda wishin I did sneak back there with you! ;-) but I'm all talk... I'd never make the first move.
Junior: Hah "Clandestine" ur killin me! I'm wishin that too! Dont wry that wouldn't have been a problem with me ;-) but i'm the same dont worry!
Me: Haha! What wouldn't be a problem with you? Making the first move? Or that you're all talk too?
Junior: Making the first move of course! :-P im sorry let me kno if i'm making u uncomfortable.
Me: Haha with tongue even!? Lol!!! :-D And I'm only feeling guilty not uncomfortable!
Junior: O im sry.. Even with whatever feels good Hah im sry ill quit it.
Me: Haha please don't quit! ;-) Well ok if you need to stop i'll *try* to be good.
Junior: Haha i dont need to well until sh gets here. I want u "clandestine"! ;-)
Me: Haha! Dito "Junior"! DITO!!! And honestly its quite flattering! This might be a silly question but how many other girls do you flirt like this with?
Junior: None just u! How about u? Well guys i mean. Unless ur into girls and I dont mind that at all trust me! Jkin haha or not lol
Me: Haha! Well the only other guys is the drummer. A couple weeks ago he propositioned me! Quite the story! But nothing since. Did you know i have a thing for drummers? ;-)
Junior: hah i kinda noticed lol! I just got an awesome tan! :-)
Me: Haha!!! Is it that obvious? I figured its gotta be about their rhythm. ;-) I'm bad i know! A tan? Blushing or what?
Junior: Hahahaha ur funny! Yea my whiteness is going away. Lol except below the waist. lol
Me: Oh see that wasn't fair! Now I'm thinkin about your white parts lol!!!! And now I'm blushing! :-D all i have to say is no one better get a chance to read this
Junior: Haha hah! i love u "clandestine"! No one will see it i promise! u too!
Me: Yeah no one has access to my phone. ;-) This is our little secret! I'm feeling like I'm in the wrong not putting a stop to this... But not enough to actually stop! hehe You are definitely sexy "Junior"! I definitely want you too! And havin naughty thoughts involving the back room at the church!
Junior: Haha i love it im soo glad we have a naughty little secret lol. Could u imagine if we ever ended up back there together on accident hah what fun.
Me: haha yup i'm enjoying it too! beyond fun! Especially if you make the first move like you said... Though my imagination has put me in the dominating role! ;-) Sorry about the delay ... my friend called! She's coming over to hang out tonight. :-)
Junior: That's cool i don't mind "Girlfriend" is heading over anyways. Im sorry... So whatchu guys going to do. Haha I would like it if u dominated heck yes!
Me: Haha thanks for the warning... ;-) I'll be good till you let me know I can be bad again. ;-) hehe yeah just imagine me pushing you up against a wall to start! ;-) And she and I are going to watch a movie and catch up. I'm going to make her dinner too.
Junior: O man "clandestine" ur really mean! I like it! And ill let u kno dont worry! ;-)
Me: Haha! Sorry... ;-) but i wouldn't mind if that role was reversed. hehe have fun!
Junior: Hah well see maybe.. Just remember our code word if were ever alone!
Me: Superduper?! Or something else?
Junior: That one will work! Love ya "clandestine" i kinda want us to be alone sometime! ;-)
Me: Love ya too "Junior"! And we'll have to see if that opportunity arises! Hehe it will be interesting to see if we both have the guts if it does happen! :-) right now i know i would!
Junior: Me too definitely! Im kinda excited lol!
Me: Is it wrong to say I am too? :)

I didn't hear from him for a few days after this. We had a church function the Wednesday night after and when I hugged him goodbye he whispered in my ear that all he wanted to do was take me to the back room!

On the 4th of July we were texting and apparently my sister had agreed to go with his family to see the fireworks and he made a silly joke that he "heard we might make o i mean see fireworks tonight?" I couldn't help but smile at the cheesiness of it.

I, of course, couldn't keep my mouth shut one day when I was at the church dropping something off. I had to text him.
Me: I'm at the church all by me lonesome! Even in the back room ;-) too bad you weren't here! lol
Junior: Dang i was trying to get off work to come see u, but my boss said i had to stay :-(
Me: Awh man! :-( That would have been awesome!!! Thanks for trying! ;-) i saw a car the color of yours drive by as i was walking out and i stopped in my tracks hehe
Junior: Hah one of these days!
Me: haha its a must at this point! :-P
Junior: :-D Definitely!...

The Drummer - I had randomly text the drummer a few times after that Sunday. He never replied and I finally gave up on hearing back from him. Since that Sunday when he propositioned me the band hasn't practiced at the house! We got our second noise violation since living in this community and our landlady said she will get fined if she gets another one. So my brother said no more practices for a while, if ever. :( I've missed seeing him every weekend.

I finally saw him at the last gig which was Saturday and he was sweet as usual. He apparently has been going through a rough time and he realized something was wrong when his biggest drinking buddies came to him and said they were worried about him. He had been sober a week and a half as of that Saturday. I could tell he felt good about this and I was really proud of him and beyond happy because I too had become worried about his drinking.

I had met his really good friend a few months back at my house. Well he was at this show and immediately we started talking. Honestly I got the impression he's heard a lot about me. Whether through the Drummer or the bassist. We ended up going on a beer run for the show, the show was in a courtyard. He must have heard my brother can't stand his friends hitting on his sisters because he made sure to tell him that he and I were going for a beer run and were going to have some car sex after that! Once we got in the car he heard a song I was playing which was a goth club song and it was a little naughty, so he said he was joking to my brother but now he wasn't too sure. lol He was quite funny and hit on me quite a bit. In my mind I was thinking, if the Drummer's friends like me, this is only good for me. Silly, I know.

The interesting thing to me is, I can see myself really falling for The Drummer. Like relationship kind of falling for him. He didn't flirt like crazy with me but he was very aware of my presence throughout the night. When I left he gave me a really big hug. He knew I had driven all day then went to their show so he was really tender and adamant about telling me to get home safely and get some sleep. I finally felt confident enough to ask him about the text messages and he said he never got them because his phone has been off half the time. I believed him but was hesitant to and he could tell because he smiled, winked and brought me in for another hug. I literally had to stop myself from saying something stupid like "love you" when we ended our embrace. Then he said they'd be recording this week at the house. It was like he wanted me to know he'd see me soon. Though sadly it hasn't happened yet and it's Thursday. I will see him Saturday during a shoot for his other band.

I realized the next day that I like him... A LOT! Like my crush on Computer Geek. There was a time I knew I couldn't have him but I wanted him more then I let him know. I mean sure he knew I wanted him, that wasn't a secret. The Drummer knows I want him too. But the idea of moving forward with something more serious with Computer Geek was definitely there. I feel that way about The Drummer. My crush has gone beyond my typical crush. Though I'm not naive enough to think The Drummer thinks of me like that, or even thinks of me at all. (Sigh)

Burbank - He called me when I was driving back down to Southern California, I had spent the weekend in Northern Califorina last weekend. My sister was driving and listening to her music so I decided to hold off on calling him until I was home. I ended up calling him Tuesday morning but didn't have a lot of time to talk. He saw me online last night and asked if I wanted to chat on the phone so we did. It was a GREAT conversation! I was laughing most of the time. I believe we started to talk before 11pm and finally I had to tell him I needed to get some sleep at 3am! It was so much fun. We were both enjoying the conversation.

He said after our conversation Tuesday he thought about my need to move somewhere since my brother is moving to Texas, and that we should get a place together since he's considering moving back to California. I, of course, thought of us having sex that one night and apparently he was on the same wavelength. He told me that after he started thinking about the idea of us living together then he realized we could get into trouble, but it might be fun trouble. He also knew my parents would never be cool with him and I living together, which of course is true. It was interesting to know he thought about us having sex again. He suddenly asked when I was coming up for a visit! I laughed and told him if the finances were there I'd definitely make the trip up there.

Through the course of the conversation I was surprised to find out he hasn't had sex since we did. I mean, for me I'm not surprised I haven't had sex with anyone since. But to find out he hasn't was slightly surprising. He's had girls come to visit him and I thought for sure they had since they would go camping or spend the weekend at his place.

I am curious if we'll ever have sex again. I know it was good and I really enjoyed it. But part of me knew it was just a one time thing. Though the idea of being friends with benefits with him doesn't sound half bad. I know I wouldn't want a relationship with him. But then I'm afraid if we continue to have sex it's bound to turn into more or my emotions would get too involved. I think he likes the idea of sleeping with me again because he 1) knows I'm open to doing anything sexual and 2) he was really surprised I handled our one night stand so well. He's a thinker for a guy. I have a feeling after our fun conversation last night he might be analyzing whether or not we could make a relationship work. hehe Silly that I know this about him but it's true. But I'm going to keep my distance... for now anyways. ;)

The Actor - He's pretty much told me when he comes out to California he wants to hook up. He also wants me to take pics for him which is originally how we started talking. We totally flirt and I had a dream about us trying to hook up but kept getting interrupted by people. Which I told him about and he thought it was great that I dreamt about him like that and said we'll make sure people aren't interrupting us when we do meet up. It's funny because that dream has a lot to do with that night the band spent the night. I was chatting (moving towards sex chat) with The Actor online when they arrived and The Drummer trumps anyone right now for my attention so I jumped offline to make sure to get my time with The Drummer. The dream happened weeks after that but still oddly symbolic of that night.

Vegas - Vegas and I haven't talked much recently. But suddenly he became obviously interested in meeting again and he made sure that the next time we see each other we're for sure having sex. Sometimes I regret not having sex with him when I went out to Vegas for that business trip last year. He's hot, no question.

When we were chatting that weekend we got into cyber sex. He took pics and sent them. I was going to do the same, I did take the pictures but never sent them. I know he's a male slut, and I'm sure he's slept with LOTS of women but I can't help feeling tempted to go for it.

Washington - Well he moved to Utah for a girl and for the last couple of months it's been miserable talking to him. He was always complaining and obsessed. I avoided talking to him at all. Then finally he made the decision to get away from her. Wow... oddly around the same week as all these other guys. Sheesh... So he talked about how he's put a lot of thought into our relationship and the possibility of it turning into more. He even said he was considering stopping through California to hook up with me and maybe move here. I told him it might be fun to play around but that I would never consider a relationship with him until he's worked through his feelings for this girl he was just in a relationship with.

I spoke to him yesterday and he seems to be suicidal. He's moved back to Washington and has no job and he's not able to stay with anyone permanently. I mean I know he's in a tough situation and I feel bad but I wasn't sure how to deal with a suicidal person. I tried to encourage him but he argued that there was no use in trying because his entire life he's had the wrong end of the stick. We talked so long my phone died and when it was charged I saw I had a message from him. Very sweet and nice about me being a good friend. But I'm still not sure I'm ready to talk to him any time soon. I will do my best to keep in touch and make sure he knows I'm praying for him but I'm so glad I never got too involved.

Seattle - I'm calling him Seattle because I already have Washington. Seattle is a friend from elementary school who got back in touch with me through Facebook. I only mention him because he's EVERYTHING I'm looking for in a guy... BUT... he's only a friend, and lives in freakin Seattle! We've been emailing novels back and forth since we got in touch. He's great. First, he loves reading my novels and loves writing back long emails especially for a guy. He's a musician, plays guitar. He's a CHRISTIAN! And I mean hard core too! He's single, never been married, doesn't have any kids. He loves the beach. He is close with his family. He's successful. He's great with his money. (Sigh) In all honesty, I've told him that he's given me hope that there are good Godly men out there and not to settle. I just wish they were in California and interested in me! Ugh...

Anyways, I think this is enough of an update. Oh, one last person....

Fresno - I went up to Northern California and met up with my friend Northern Cali, but also let Fresno know I'd be passing through. He was really excited about meeting up but it never worked out. His cousin had an emergency and they were all at the hospital dealing with that so he said he'd be driving down to Southern California soon and wants to meet up. It should be interesting if that actually happens. hehe

Ok so that's it...

The Men - young and old

Vegas - After I refrained from having sex with him when I was in Vegas for a business trip I thought he'd stop texting but to my surprise he's kept it up. Though I really found it difficult to stop myself from having sex. If I hadn't made a promise to myself that I didn't want to add another person to my list I would have easily let him come up to my room. But if I can't be honest here where can I be honest? I did it for Geek Photographer. He knew I was going to meet someone in Vegas and possibly have sex. He seemed concerned about it. He kept making me promise to tell him if I did end up doing something with Vegas. And because of my feelings for him, not wanting to let him down, I refrained from having sex, even though damn.... I wanted to. Vegas is fucking hot! It didn't stop me from having great makeout sessions.

I was surprised at how natural it all happened. I found myself walking hand-in-hand with him. He was a complete gentleman well other then pushing me to have sex when I kept saying no. He knew deep down I was struggling with my decision. But I stuck to my guns and in the end he respected it.

Colorado - Did I mention that the moment he got married he fell off the face of the earth? Not on chat, website password secured, cell number no longer a working number, *poof*... gone!

Ex - Has surprisingly kept in contact since being married. Not so much on chat but in emails. In fact making an awkward attempt at being friendly by sending me links to his honeymoon and wedding! I struggled with the "wtf" thoughts... Seriously, who sends an ex-girlfriend pictures of your honeymoon? hehe Freak... But he's a nice guy. My friends ask why I don't just tell him to go away. Part of me wonders if I should. He made a promise, part of me thinks I should just thank him for sticking to it, but it really doesn't matter anymore. I don't mind an update every 6 months, but you don't have to work at keeping the friendship alive. What friendship really? It's more like an awkward aquaintence now.

Burbank - Has pushed off his move a few weeks. It's now scheduled for the 29th. He's made it a priority to meet my parents before he leaves the state. Odd, I know. Still can't quite figure that one out.

Junior - Yup, a new character in my listings of men. I've been trying to figure out a good name for him. He's 11 years my junior so I figured why not just call him that. I've mentioned him before, asking if it was wrong that I was shamelessly flirting with him. The thing is, I think this young guy is a total hottie. I think last night I found out for the first time the feelings are mutual. We've made a pact that the next time we're both single he's taking me out on a date. He currently has a girlfriend.

I first mentioned him at the bottom of my "Getting Stuff off my chest" blog if you want a little history.

In not such a wise move I admitted that I woke up one morning to a naughty dream about him. I had only shared that it made me blush. He got a kick out of it the day I told him but never mentioned it again. But sure enough he mentioned it last night. He wanted to know what I dreamt about. Going back and forth he told me I was sexy, extremely beautiful and that he was looking forward to taking me out... Damn!

Even in the midst of others he has said some things that make others question him about his actions because he has a girlfriend. He found out I missed a call from Older Guy and someone commented that his reaction showed jealousy.

Older Guy - He keeps promising to take me out for my birthday but our schedules just haven't meshed. He's such a dreamer. He has some awesome business ideas. But I'm just not sure how it's going to work.

Computer Geek - Still as adorable as ever. Though I'm surprised he sent his girlfriend back home. I know that with his girlfriend around I kept myself a little guarded not to go too far with the flirting even though I knew he didn't seem to care one way or the other.

Geek Photographer - Oddly I haven't been as worked up about him the last couple of days. He hasn't been calling as regularly. Tuesday I didn't hear from him once, but he was also at a funeral that day. Though I guess he said he was tempted to stop by my work on his way back to Santa Monica but he had a huge headache and just needed to get home. I didn't mind I had a long drawn out talk with Washington which I'll discuss in a moment. This morning he text me and asked if he could call me on my way into work. He had some drama at work he wanted to share and I guess get my advise and opinion.

Washington - He called me Tuesday night and asked if I had time to talk. Sure enough he went on for about 2 hours about the history, every detail, with the latest girl he was seeing. I had no idea he was such an overanalyzer. He went on and on and at a couple points I had to tell him to get to the point. He jumped all over the place. Story after story. He wanted my opinion as a girl and when I would share it he would interupt or try to explain my opinion away with another story. If I would say anything negative about this girl he would get overly defensive of her. My phone finally died after 2 1/2 hours. I will say this... The girl he's seeing is scared to death to get into a serious relationship. She's keeping him at arms length but is holding onto him for dear life.

Sadly the next day I found out only 30 minutes after our talk he found out his best friend from the service was killed in Iraq two days ago. :( Poor guy, so much going on. He called me on my work line yesterday morning and I haven't heard from him since. I'm really actually worried about him.

Well that's it for now.

Getting stuff off my chest...

So I need to get this off my chest and my wireless connection isn’t working so well. “Oh… My… God…” Why does it irk me so much when someone complains about my use of that phrase? Why does it seem like such hypocrisy to be scolded for using the Lord’s name in vain when I use the phrase? Either way, I just got off the phone with a friend acquaintance, whom just gave me a lecture on the use of that phrase and it being offensive to him and oh how he didn’t want to come across as a jerk or anything but it was his God too… blah blah blah!

Of course this conversation comes after a possibly inappropriate chat with Geek Photographer, who ironically used the term “big camera” to refer to his… well business. Guess my nickname is more fitting then I thought. I will say that ever since our blunt conversation (see below) I think the friendship has naturally leaned towards more flirtation of the sexual nature.

So I found out a coworker has been spying on me. And yes, not in a good way. A coworker I actually have had a lot of troubles with… her work ethic and abilities suck. Apparently she’s been taking more time to see what’s on my screen then doing her own work. How did I find out about this? Oh, well my new supervisor asked me today if I was happy about moving so this coworker wouldn’t have the opportunity to check out all the personal stuff I was doing. I knew she was doing it, but I hadn’t realized how big of an issue it was! She would even make eye gestures to my supervisor to indicate I was yet again doing something unwork-related who in turn would tell her to mind her own work-related business! I’m just glad he knows I’m a good worker. Though when he told me she made eye gestures I seriously had daydreams about beating her head up against her cubicle wall. Brutal I know… But I’ve never mentioned this woman, and well this is not something I can truly vent about on my public blog because I’ve already had people at my work twist my words around even when I didn’t mean harm by them! I can only handle so much though. Since this new supervisor has signed on I have noticed he’s picked up on my coworkers issues right away. He sympathizes with me. He gets annoyed with her. Before he came along I desperately struggled to even be cordial with this coworker. Now, knowing I’m not alone in my annoyances, has honestly helped me take a step back and relax about my frustrations with her. Though today when I heard that… well it was hard NOT to get all frustrated all over again. Ok… so enough venting… I think I should just send this post out.

Below was written last night

Fresno - Out of the blue Fresno contacted me and said he plans on coming down to So Cal and wants to get together. I asked him when and he said he didn't know but he wanted it to be soon... Maybe the next couple of weeks. Of course I will probably meet up with him but I'm still so surprised especially with how things happened last time and I will NOT let it get to that point again.

Geek Photographer - Well we had an... um... interesting conversation last week. We got on the subject that I like guys with a bit of geek to them and I freely admitted that there was an attraction on my part towards him. His first response was "awkward" in a sarcastic tone. Then he asked why this was the first he'd ever heard of it and I replied well this isn't something that one just blurts out (kind of like I just did hehe), then he played the cocky game and said he knew it. I decided to inform him it wasn't all along! That it was after getting to know him, the ease of our friendship and well other things that I think brought about the attraction. And he said he could tell me when it started. Sure enough he got the timeline right. I told him that Computer Geeks teasing started well before my attraction. I made sure to let him know it wasn't like I expected anything to happen with him and he was like "well good". Little punk... So I decided to push the issue, I asked him point blank if he was attracted to me. He then pretended he had to go, hemmed and hawed and said that I already knew he didn't answer personal questions. So I asked him what the big deal was, why not admit it. This is where things got a bit awkward, for me at least... He said that its because *he's* the one in a relationship. I told him that ok I could understand that but whether or not he's attracted its not like it's going to change anything to which he replied no one expects it to but well that's how relationships always start. The light switch turned on, obviously he answered my question without answering it. But not only that, he answered in a way that I thought made the situation more serious then it needed to be. I backed off. Told him I understood where he was coming from and then went on to talk about other things.

Though he did tease me about Computer Geek. At some point in the conversation I was explaining how I think our common interest in photography made for a natural attraction. He asked if that was code, that I liked his camera better then Computer Geeks. Then said that he couldn't wait to tell Computer Geek that I thought his camera was bigger and liked his more then Computer Geeks!!! Yes, what have I done?

Computer Geek - Awesome and adorable as usual. He said some really sweet things last week when I was pretty down. He knows there's a new girl coming into my department and he asked if she hot and when I told him yes, that she was a great candidate to be his future ex-girlfriend he asked if I would be sad to no longer be the only one... How adorable is that?! I shared with him my insecurities and as much as he said he's not good with the silly girlie stuff he was really sweet about his response.

Its odd though... With as much as I lust after Computer Geek, one would think that I would have obsessed more about him telling me I was pretty and the comment he made about me and the new girl then about Geek Photographers response to my point blank question of whether or not he was attracted to me. I mean there is something about Computer Geek that is just sexy. As far as I'm concerned he's... well hot! Sadly, his pictures just don't do him justice. Anyways, last week I did have a hard time letting go of Geek Photographers response. I guess because it made me feel that he'd thought about a relationship forming far more then I ever had. And that if he would have just freely stated his attraction to me and followed it up with the fact that it didn't change the fact that he was already in a relationship then it would have been kind of laid back, more casual. Who knows... I'm an overanalyzer by nature. So I've probably read WAY too much into it as it is.

Washington - Called me out of the blue Friday on my work number just to start my weekend out right. He even sent me a text this morning. Called me Saturday at like 1am! Crazy guy.

Burbank - is just a miserable guy. He loves blasting women. Takes pride in it actually. Not sure what’s up with him lately. He’s been making more of an effort with the friendship, calling, asking about my life and what’s going on, stating that he wished I lived closer so we could spend more time together. All the while, I’m keeping him at arms length just because I’ve been blasted by him before, it’s a pattern, a horrible one at that… I don’t want that. I don’t need that right now.

Touchy Feely - Went out of state for a while. It was kind of nice. He never really called or talked to me. Now suddenly that he’s on his way back to Cali he’s calling and messaging more often. Ugh! I don’t want to have to keep avoiding his advances.

So is it wrong that I flirt with (even fantasize about) a boy who’s 11 years my junior? Don’t worry, he’s legal. Just barely! Our friendship was more like he was my adopted little brother but the older he’s gotten the more non-related the dynamic of our relationship is. We no longer refer to each other as “little brother” and “sis”. He calls me “Good Lookin” and I call him “Cutie”. He’s made comments that make me believe he’s struggling to be good. Usually it’s only because other people are around. Here I am thinking, how in the world can I allow myself to visualize ANYTHING happening with this kid?! Though he’s a really good lookin kid!

Anyways, guess this was a post about getting stuff off my chest. Things that I haven’t ever written down! Now it’s time for bed.

Men...

It's that time again. Another post about the confusing men in my life. This sounds horrible but Computer Geek is getting laid and I'm jealous! Though I'm not into the kinky stuff he's into it still sucks just knowing he's out there getting laid and I haven't had sex or any form of physical affection in ages! heh Computer Geek and I have come to an understanding of what type of relationship we have. We both enjoy flirting but know it would never go any further. It's been A LOT of fun. I was concerned when he told me his "friend" was coming out to stay with him for a month. I thought it might change the way he treats me since I'm pretty sure this is his future girlfriend. I'm happy to say that is not the case!

Geek Photographer - Well I was right in thinking my feelings would change. He pushed me to a point that I thought about dropping him altogether. I read how I felt about him and I miss those feelings. I lost the ability to feel safe to be myself with him. He started teasing me... A LOT! Since I started to care about him, it impacted me more then it probably should have. I became angry and frustrated, which then in turn stopped me from being myself. For a good week or two I really just wanted to drop him but still couldn't walk away from the friendship. Finally I broke down and confronted him in an email. His response was short and didn't really have any bearing on how I felt but I think just getting it off my chest really helped aleviate the need to make sure he was ok with me. Since then things are back to normal. I finally got my head out of my ass and decided that if he didn't like me for who I am he wasn't worth having in my life. Oddly I know he likes me (friend or otherwise) and the teasing is his way of "chasing the girls around the playground" as Computer Geek puts it. And it makes a lot of sense.

Burbank - I broke down and called him a couple weekends ago and we had an absolutely fantastic conversation! And the following week he called me just to say hello! So things are good. I know he's stressed about his lack of job and it makes him a pretty depressing person to talk with. But when I called him he was surprisingly honest about where he's at emotionally. And it helped me have more grace for his situation.

Older Guy - Offered to let me stay at his place while he was back East visiting his family and then accidentally locked me out of the house. It was quite entertaining. But he felt horrible. He cleaned out the spare room for me and everything. He wants me to help him with his new business venture. I've told him I'd be glad to help out on the weekends I'm free. He's turning out to be a good friend. I no longer have the physical attraction I did early on in our friendship. And it's been a good year since we've been friends. It's kind of cool.

Washington - He and I had a bit of a unique text conversation a little over a week ago. We've always done the sexual inuendos but this was full on sex texting. I feel a bit awkward about it now only because it's obvious this wasn't the first time he thought about doing stuff with me. hehe I should have known. It's opened a new avenue to our relationship. I know we're both curious about what it's going to be like to meet up in person, especially after this.

Well I'm off

Slightly Surprised

So someone has taken me by surprise. I am not sure what to think about these feelings. He was a new employee where I work. He only worked with us for 3 months. Wednesday was his last day. And I'm actually kind of sad and these are the feelings in which I'm surprised by.

He started out a guy I enjoyed talking to about photography. Computer Geek kept teasing me about him. Telling me this guy has a crush on me and that I should go for him. I thought he was just being silly. So what is a good nickname for him? Geek Photographer probably suits him best.
Geek Photographer - He has wormed his way into my affections and I'm not sure how. I've analyzed this a lot (as I do most things) and can only come up with the conclusion that I enjoy how he makes me feel. Something in his personality. The way that I can be truly myself around him and still feel he wants to get to know me more. He's genuinely a happy upbeat guy and I haven't met too many men like that. His attitude is contagious. I no longer worry about others around me when I'm with him. I just enjoy his friendship. Or is it more then that? He has a long distance relationship and I find myself jealous. That's just odd. I'm still trying to narrow down the true feelings.

He's moved near the beach and we talk in absolutes that we'll hang out and take pictures again. We went on a photography trip the week before he left and I think the easyness of the day, the fact that we didn't run out of interesting things to talk about, has left me longing for more. Is this just a great friendship and I don't know the difference? We've chatted every day since and he seems genuinely interested in keeping the friendship going.

I feel so silly. Like in two months I'll realize how foolish this post sounds. He's 5 years younger then me! What's with the young ones? Another one whom I'm not sure if I've EVER mentioned, whom I'll call Fresno is another tale to tell.

Fresno - (Don't mix him up with Northern Cali, two different guys) Another young one with a 5 year age difference. I met Fresno through work when I first started. I started in the fall two years ago and he quit a month after I started. Not giving us a lot of time to form a friendship but somehow we did. Probably because it didn't matter his age he was definitely eye-candy. We emailed randomly now and then. He made efforts to visit me when he was down in the area. Well a couple of weeks ago he mentioned he would be down in So Cal and asked me to hang out with him. It was quite a drive so he offered to have me stay at his hotel room and drive to work the next morning giving us more time to hang out. I wasn't sure what to think. In my head I felt there was no chance for anything more then friendship just because I couldn't imagine him being interested in me physically.

Lets spare the details and say that the evening was a lot of fun and when it came time to go to bed, neither of us could sleep. Before I realized it things got physical, but only for his benefit. In the end he got off and I was left wondering what the fuck just happened. We talked it through yet I still felt completely and utterly used and not so much pissed off as frustrated.

I've analyzed that entire evening to death. Was he really just that big of an asshole? Does his culture make him feel it's ok to use women like that? Was he inexperienced? Or as someone put, was I his play thing and he got what he wanted? I gave up trying to figure it out. We've emailed once since the incident. That isn't saying much, we never emailed on a consistent basis. The friendship has changed but I'm sure it'll go back to normal in time.

Computer Geek - He's still my main crush. I adore him. As much as I fantasize about him, I doubt anything would ever come of it. We have lots of fun teasing and playing with each other. He's also a good friend. Like I said in the beginning of this post, he thinks Geek Photographer has a thing for me. He also knows about Fresno as of this afternoon. Even though I think he suspected something happened between Fresno and me, I think he was quite surprised when I shared what took place. Maybe had a little bit of a different view of me. Which I'm not sure is such a good thing. He knows I'm a freak but I think he also sees me as innocent, which I pretty much am. But the incident with Fresno puts a little crimp in my angelic behavior... I went hoping for something to happen, it did and it was a major dissapointment. Computer Geek knows when it comes to what I threaten to do to him, it's all talk if it actually came down to it. Though out of all of them I think I'd have the most fun with him... There's friendship and I believe sexual attraction, great combination for sex.

Fresno was more like an aquaintence with sexual attraction. Not a good combo. Geek Photographer isn't much with the sexual attraction but there is a connection that would make for a fun time.

Washington - He's a sweetie! We both feel a connection and have a mutual attraction but we're both just not worried about what that means. That might change when we actually meet face-to-face for the first time. He has my call back tone set to "Barbie Girl" by Aqua... I wasn't sure if I should take offense, like I'm a ditzy blond or something but he assures me its all good. hehe

Older Guy - Just had a jump start to doing his business full time for a while. He got let go from his job so now he can focus 100%. We haven't been able to hang out that much. But we're still cool. The crush on my end has definitely died down.

Northern Cali - Not to be confused with Fresno is definitely a great friend. I was surprised at how much he's leaned on my friendship in the last few months to help him deal with some of the stress and frustrations going on in his life. I was surprised to find out I was one of the only friends he confided in, but was pleasantly surprised.

Vegas - Did I ever mention him? Wow... This is a crazy story. I went to a concert in Vegas and this cute guy behind me asked for the pictures I was taking. I gave him my number and honestly believed that to be the only reason he wanted my number. My friends knew otherwise. This happened a few years back. He's hot! Like fuckable hot! Turns out he really liked me, for the longest time he made comments about wanting to be with me. He and I have yet to see eachother since the concert but have spent time on webcam chats, I'm sure you know where that led. We've text quite a bit... Took a moment to send him a text. It's been a while since we've talked. I know if I meet up with him it'll mean sex. Or at least a great makeout session depending on the circumstances of our visit.

Burbank - He and I had a falling out so to speak. I have pretty much written him off as a friend. Lately I've been feeling the need to contact him but not enough to actually go through with it. I'm tired of his crap and how he treats me. He's a miserable human being and tends to make everyone around him more miserable. Ok so I'm not ready to make an effort to be his friend. I still need time.

Touchy Feely - Well after he got the hint I stopped caring to make an effort to be his friend. He was full of drama. He was sometimes worse then a girl. Always making comments about how I'd never date him but he could see himself with me, etc. It got old after a while.

Colorado - Still great friends. He is officially getting married the same day my ex is. We don't chat nearly as much but I still value him as a friend and as someone who taught me a lot about myself.

Summary - Boy there have been a lot of men lately. I'm curious as to what the future holds. I still think Computer Geek will leave a lasting impact. Geek Photographer hasn't been a big part of my life just yet. I think he has the potential but it could really go either way. Well I think this post has given me some perspective on the men in my life. It'll be interesting to see where it all ends up.

¿

Right now I'm thoroughly enjoying life. I'm still as confused as ever about the men in my life.

Colorado - Just informed me yesterday that he proposed to his girlfriend and that his wedding is possibly going to be the same day as my ex! But I'm really happy for him.

Burbank - Invited me over for Valentine's Day. Made me dinner. Even bought me a gift. But almost seemed to go out of his way NOT to make any physical contact! hehe No clue what to think of this guy.

Washington - Totally adorable. Sent cute messages on Valentines Day. Even sent a picture of a bouquet of roses since he knew no one else sent me anything, which I think he was quite surprised about actually. I look forward to meeting him in person.

Computer Geek - Has suddenly peaked my interest above all the others (at this moment in time), I switch my crushes easily. But lately he's been really sweet. I even gave him a hint to the name of this blog. Not sure if he ever found it. I'm pretty confused. He was teasing me about a new guy in the office and how I should hook up with him. I asked if he wanted me to stop flirting and he said I don't flirt with him. I realized then that he really had no clue I went out of my way to get to know him.

Touchy Feely - Has finally gotten the hint I think.

Older guy - Been kinda MIA but has picked up in the last day or so. The girl he's seeing in Arizona was going to come out for Valentine's Day and they got into an argument. He says it's over. I say she'll still keep coming back for some reason. I know he's charismatic.

This post was ready to publish with minor finishes so here it is, posted late... (It says it was posted 2/20/08 but that's when it was started and never published, I'm publishing it today 3/12/08)

Recap of the men in 2007

Recap of the year in men - friends or otherwise...

Colorado - is currently seeing/living with someone. Oddly our friendship has survived our mini-relationship and time. I am happy to say we chat almost every day and he still has a good impact in my life. He seems to value my friendship which is something I wondered about from time-to-time.

Burbank - I don't believe I've mentioned him yet. He and I have known each other for years. We were each others first "online" to "in-person" friendship. Because he lives in an odd location we only get to hang out a few times a year. This year I found myself more physically attracted to him then ever. I'd always had a suspicion that he liked me too but there were reasons I never allowed myself to think more of it. Well he showed up to my surprise birthday party in September and the connection was undeniable. Over the next month we talked about our attraction and the confession on each of our part, wondering what that would mean the next time we hung out, which has yet to happen.

In fact, for some reason after that he has turned into a giant asshole! No joke! I have yet to figure out what crawled up his butt (and died) to make him such a rude individual. He called 15 minutes into the new year to wish me a Happy New Year but it was almost like he regretted calling me the moment he dialed my number. I have a feeling (based from his past relationships) he doesn't like acting on his feelings unless forced and I will not force him. I guess after my birthday I thought if we could make a more consistent schedule of seeing each other we may have a chance to see where our mutual attraction goes. I think I was forcing it and the dynamic of our friendship doesn't allow for that. I will let it go back to seeing each other every few months and be ok with that.

Washington - is a guy I met through work. We talked almost daily until his company switched providers but we had already exchanged numbers and talk every month or so. Last night I talked to him and one thing I enjoy about his personality is that I'm usually laughing so hard I'm crying. He's non-stop goofball. There have been times it's too much but when I haven't talked to him in a while he can truly lift my spirits. He tends to ask about my relationship status a lot. He seems intrigued that I've been dating a lot of men that aren't Christians. He knows how much my beliefs mean to me. I look forward to the time he comes down here and we can meet in person.

Computer Geek - is the one who attempted to locate my secret blog. He and I flirt. I'm still attracted to him but he's turning into a good friend. I enjoy his company and he throws out little things to encourage me.

Touchy/Feely - is a guy that I could be in a relationship with right now if I wanted. He scares me a little bit. The reason is that he reminds me so much of the men I have dated and I could see myself slipping into a relationship just because it's comfortable and I'm lonely. He doesn't have a relationship with God. I've been there. I can't do it again.

In fact, out of all the men I have been dating, Burbank is the one closest to fitting with the values I want in a man (odd that he can also be the biggest asshole too).

So, I've shared with Touchy/Feely that I've thought about having sex with him. He couldn't make a coherent sentence for at least 5 minutes after that! Apparently my boldness took him back. I told him that as much as I've thought about it there were reasons I would never allow myself to.

Northern Cali - recently came down for a visit. Another guy I’ve been friends with for years. I’ve known him longer then Burbank but Northern Cali is a lot further away then Burbank so we had our first in-person meeting last March. I was surprised he went out of his way to meet up with me this last month. He’s a great guy. He was visiting friends in Hollywood and was willing to drive inland to meet me on my lunch break, then even said it was worth the drive and he’d make sure to make plans to meet up with me the next time he’s down in my area.

Older Guy- has turned out as quite a surprise actually... I had given up on any form of relationship happening with him. I found out he was seeing a girl in Arizona that he failed to mention whenever I'd ask him about relationships. hehe I honestly think he was still trying to figure out "our" chances. He still calls me daily. I have been helping him with a new business venture he's working on. His business took him to Hawaii for a New Years celebration out there. I didn't expect to hear from him because I knew he'd be running frantic to get everything done, yet I found myself missing his frequent calls, I had gotten used to them. To my pleasant surprise, he called me yesterday to wish me a Happy New Year and to thank me for all the stuff I've done for him in 2007. I felt special that he chose to call. He didn't need to, nor did I expect it. I also got a text from him last night wishing me a Happy New Year and letting me know his project went well.

In all actuality I'm not sure why it means so much to me. I guess reading back through my few posts last year, the one thing that was consistent in my frustration is feeling like I don't mean much to the people in my life. The end of the year evaluation hasn't changed my outlook on that. In fact I plan on taking more time for me, rather then concerning myself with others and their feelings. This Older Guy just happens to be the one that consistently goes out of his way to make me feel cared for.

I admitted to him two days prior to his trip that if I were into one-night stands I'd be asking if he'd be interested. I was quite shocked at my bravery and am still unsure of what I felt it would accomplish to admit that to him since I know I'm not someone that can do a one-night stand. His response still surprises me! He admitted to being attracted but that the girl in Arizona was making him hesitate on his temptation to go through with it. He said our age difference is a big deal to him but that he sees me as mature for someone my age. Yet, I truly expected not to hear from him with my confession, or for him to pull away. The reason being is that my supervisor who is closer to his age really liked him and pursued him and he was turned off by it. It got to the point of ignoring her calls. He said the reason was that she seemed like the type of girl to just want a one-night stand. Yet my confession of wanting a one-night stand seems to have had NO affect at all, in fact it seems that he has gone out of his way to make sure I know he still values me as a friend. This has been the surprising twist to our friendship.

Summing up - There are more men but these are the ones with the biggest impact in my life for the 2007 year. So my brother has said he's swearing off all women for 6 months. I'm not sure that I can swear off all men, I’m too much of a flirt. But I have wondered if I lost all these men in my life, would I be devastated? ... No. But out of all the men I think the Older Guy would be the one I'd miss the most. I won’t push all these men out of my life but I do plan on making more of an effort to do things for me and not worry about pursuing friendships with the above men. In reviewing this list I have a feeling most of these men will stick around in the coming years. Though I will put less pressure on them to be more then they are and I will make new relationships.

Another new beginning

Hello Long Lost World. I'm baaaack!

It's been well over a year since I've written in this anonymous blog. I feel an update is necessary yet part of me feels like just diving into my current life and not reliving the past. But as I know that people who stumble across this blog may want to know the outcome of what I wrote about so much in the past. My ex and I finally broke the codependency bond. It was a tough time but it was the best for the both of us. He was the one to finally break down and tell me he couldn't handle my friendship anymore. It took a few months of not talking on the phone (we still rarely talk on the phone), and getting an email or two a week... Now we're at least back to chatting but even that is once a week if we're lucky. Somehow what I thought was impossible... was more then possible. I've lost interest in him, and we're no longer best friends! It could be because he has a new girlfriend now. But I'm not really interested in going over all that.

I am not dating anyone. And to be completely honest I'm perfectly happy about that! There are two men that currently hold my interest. Ironically enough both live in different states. Maybe I do that because it's safer. I'm not sure. One in Colorado and one in Washington. The one in Colorado has been around longer. He showed up in my life almost the exact moment my ex said he didn't want anything to do with me. There is a mutual attraction between me and (I'll call him) Colorado but I know it's best as it stands. Friends with an understanding if either of us could actually go through with it, we'd be ok having sex... The thing is... neither of us would be able to actually go through with it.

Washington is a new fling. He caught my interest while at work. He is someone I have to work with on a fairly consistent basis. We decided to exchange email addresses and chat info and have been talking on a fairly regular basis. I gave him my number the other day only after he gave me his. I don't believe it'll ever be anything more then a friendship though I do enjoy hearing his voice and his laugh brightens my work day and there is a fair amount of innocent flirting.

I've had more little flings in these last 6 months then I have had in a LONG time ... actually ever! There is a confidence I've gotten and yet I'm thankful I'm not desperate for a relationship because I could be in some pretty pathetic ones right now. I'm enjoying being single. I'm enjoying the freedom of flirting with anyone. I'm enjoying the endless possibilities of who is to come into my life next!

Though I will say Colorado stands far above most. He is the one I will probably talk about most in this anonymous blog. I flip flop on my feelings for him. Some days I am confident that I would not want him in my life any more then he already is, other times I do want him and appreciate him and admire him and even love him... Though sometimes I can't tell if that is just a friendship kind of love. It is possible that the attraction is the only reason I am confused about my feelings towards him. He is a great person and sometimes I'm bummed I don't live closer to him so that we can just hang out and laugh in person rather then over chat and the phone.

Well my eyes are heavy and are crossing so I guess that's a good sign I need to go to bed. I'm not sure how often I will update this blog. I have a lot on my brain I would like to share yet I'm just not sure if I will have the time to update as often as I would like. I don't believe it will be another year before I come back. hehe