Ok so most of this was written Sunday night...
I don't have a lot of time. I really should be in bed. But as most days... I tend to contemplate more at night.
Geek Photographer - Hmmm... I'm wondering whats going on in his head. We've become good friends. I enjoy our conversations. He seems to be calling more. Every weekend he comes up to visit his mom and always had an excuse not to get together. I finally stopped trying to make an effort. Finally last week it hit me that maybe it was because of a fear that spending time together would lead to something more. So I decided this was the case and started teasing him about being a scaredy cat and he was just afraid I'd "maninize" him. This is his word to desribe me since I tend to flirt with a lot of guys.
So I owe him cookies, for what? I can't remember. Earlier in the week I told him I could bake them this weekend and drop them off or we could meet in a public place so his mom won't give him a hard time about me. (She wants him to date me because I'm a Christian and she wants him to date a Christian rather then be with his Buddhist girlfriend.) He never gave me an answer so Friday I sent him a text asking him if I was baking his cookies, he said "no." So imagine my surprise when he called when my sister was finishing up my hair, asking if I wanted to hang out for a few hours. I felt like shit. I started my period and my stomach was all jacked up. I looked like crap because I stayed up WAY too late the night before. But I agreed to meet up with him. I exaggerated the length of time it would take so I could buy time to go freshen up.
I get home and am aware I want to look my best. I thought this was going to be a difficult task feeling and looking as horrible as I did. But I seemed to pull it off somehow. I knew I was over-dressed for a last minute call on a Saturday but I figured how would he know I went out of my way for him unless I told him?
He needed some sandals so we met at a shoe store near my house. As soon as I saw him I realized that there was definitely an attraction to him. One that had grown since the last time I had seen him in person. So I walk up to him and give him a hug and I could tell we both were feeling a bit awkward. But it didn't last long. I was pleasantly surprised that he seemed eager for my opinion of his choices. We had a couple "moments" as I would call them. Moments where later I imagined pulling him in for a kiss.
He was such a gentleman. I am still surprised when men pay for things. The only other person that wouldn't allow me to buy anything was Older Guy but I figured it was a generation thing. But the two times I've hung out with Geek Photographer he wouldn't let me pay, even when it was a place I stopped for myself! It was in Juice It Up that I noticed I was crushing big time. We were waiting for our drinks and it was crowded, we were close, but I didn't realize how close till everyone else was gone and we stayed right where we were.
It wasn't until we went our seperate ways that I called my friend and told her I was in serious trouble. I went home and took a nap, I couldn't get the grin off my face. Nothing happened. Though I kept imagining how it could have at Juice It Up. I kept smiling over comments that were made. I realized this is a problem. He has a girlfriend. What am I doing!? So I started compiling a conversation that I should have with him about my concern of his lack of communication about his girlfriend, making me feel he was available. I find myself flirting with him far more then I should a guy in a relationship. I find myself imagining a relationship forming when he's made it clear that's not what he wants.
Even now, after the conversations we've had... I can't imagine him NOT wanting a relationship with me. Have I deluded myself into thinking he wants me and all along he's made it abundantly clear that he's glad I don't have any expectations? I mean after my nap I made the decision to back off. Keep my distance. For my own safety and sanity. But he's called me more then usual, sent text messages more often and has been all around more involved. I've even given excuses, given him outs, and he's asked me to call him back or made reasons for me to stay on the phone with him. It's just odd. I know I'm falling more then I should. I need to keep myself from letting my imagination and my heart from slipping too far.
We talked tonight about his beliefs. He knew I went to a water baptism after church. He made a joke about drowning the person and he mentioned that he knew I wouldn't be offended with a statement like that unlike his sister and his mom. I hadn't realized his sister was a Christian also. I've always been under the impression that he was raised in a Christian home but that he never kept the beliefs as his own. He was very offended when he found out thats how I viewed his beliefs. He said there was a big difference in believing in something and not actively pursuing it.
He also said something else that intrigued me. I was mentioning that I felt he was a bit obsessed with Computer Geek. He always asks about him. He told me its because he's trying to figure out what's going on between us. I thought he was joking until he said that he's backed off on asking because I kept giving him the same answer and now he'll throw in a question about him here and there just to see if I'll give in to more information. I laughed and told him what I've always told him. Sure I flirt with Computer Geek... That everyone in the office knows I flirt with Computer Geek. Majorly flirt! And I totally think he's a cutie, a bit of a freak but in a good way! But that's it. But I didn't tell him that if Computer Geek ever wanted to do anything with me, I think I'd go for it in a heartbeat! My only hesitation is my own personal insecurities, because I can't imagine Computer Geek being physically attracted to me, sure my face may be pretty... But if his current girlfriend is any indication of what he is physically attracted to then I'm the opposite. And well we work together, it would make for an awkward work environment.
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