Colorado Etc.

I don't know what it is but Colorado has been on my mind a lot lately. I miss our conversations. I miss the challenges he'd make me face. He'd challenge my thinking. And honestly he'd make me feel good about myself. He'd also piss me off beyond belief. lol But I want to know how he's doing. It's hard not to reach out. And it's hard to believe it's been so long since we've talked. In fact today is the anniversary of his email to me acknowledging that I told him for my marriage's sake I needed to stop communication with him. 3 years. Crazy. A lot can change in that timeframe. I wonder if he thinks about me this same way, wondering how I'm doing. 

When I start to reach out to my Ex, or seek attention from Obsession, or struggle not contacting Colorado... I wonder what part of my insecurity is needing to be fed by the attention. 

Obsession Strikes Again

Yesterday I saw Obsession. He was inviting and sweet. Offering to have me sit with him and his coworkers. (Reminds me of the conversation I had with him about him saying he'd drag me by the arm to join in to existing conversations when I swing by) He commented on liking the color on my toes. Noticing my tiny almost non-existent pinky toe nail and teasing me about it. lol The other staff barely stuck around. I even commented that I didn't mean to drive them away. 

We talked for a while. Almost 2 hours. We talked about his wife's medical issues finally. They are waiting to get a procedure scheduled for a biopsy. He started to complain about his wife. The fact that she's not interested in the same things he is and how when the kids leave the house he's concerned they won't have anything in common. It was the complete cliché. Talking to a coworker you find attractive about the troubles of your marriage and how easy it is to slip into an affair. 

The warning signs caused me to revert to marriage counseling mode. I was encouraging him to try to find common ground. Focus on the positives in their relationship. I didn't feed into his negativity. I kept thinking of my best friend and her 20 year marriage and how close they are. Worrying that Obsession is definitely not in the same place after his 20 years of marriage. He joked that his brother had good luck online dating. Nothing long term but fun with gorgeous women. I reminded him he wouldn't like that. He joked that he would. I said sure for maybe a few weeks but ultimately he would want someone to spend his life with. He really is negative about his marriage at this point. He is a thrill seeker and wants his wife to be the same. He wants to get out and hike, and snorkel, and be in nature. I get her perspective. I'd rather stay inside and just relax. Though they have a pool and spa and she won't join him for either. I can't imagine not wanting to have a glass of wine and relax in the spa with my Husband Creature. And of course I couldn't imagine saying no to Obsession either. But I haven't been married for 20 years. I told Obsession to find something they both like. That he can't expect her to be a different person than she is. But there has to be something they both like to do. Though I also got married late in life. I knew what I wanted in a person. I had settled into who I was. Obsession married young. He's not one to leave his wife. But I can tell he's struggling and a bit resentful that she's not as willing to try new things. But I reminded him of areas she has tried. And letting him know there were things that my husband liked that I wasn't into and visa versa. 

He was engaging. He kept the conversations flowing. When I was starting to wind down a conversation he'd ask another question to keep it going. The other really pretty girl came through and he brought her into the conversation but kept me involved. And as I was getting ready to leave after she did he kept on talking to me. It wasn't until my boss came in that the conversation was ended. It was late. I should have left 15 minutes prior. And honestly I'm not sure how or why my boss came into Obsession's office. He didn't try to talk to him. Maybe he overheard my voice. Not sure. But he walked me out. I felt awkward. Like I'd been caught doing something wrong. (I guess I kind of was...) Or maybe someone had told him I was in Obsession's office. It stressed me out that Obsession shared that we were talking about marital discord. But... oh well. 

It looks like Obsession is moving forward with submitting his interest in transferring to my location. I'm nervous. Especially since he said he shared some things with me that he's never said to anyone. It almost feels like he's going out of his way to make me realize I matter to him. That he wants to share with me. Yet every time I wonder if there is a mutual attraction I shake my head like there is no way he'd find me attractive. Especially with the one really pretty girl coming through all the time. But he enjoys me as a person. I have come to accept that. 

Obsession is really into TikTok lately. I haven't been able to get into it myself. That's something the really pretty girl and him have in common. She's really into making videos, but I have come to understand she's kind of full of herself. She knows she's beautiful and wants to show it. Luckily Obsession doesn't seem to entertain her. He doesn't follow her on TikTok which makes me kind of happy. 

Colorado has popped into my head a lot lately. Not sure why. There is a photo he posted to Facebook back in November that is really nice. He looks good. It makes me happy for him. Wishing I could just check in and see how he's doing. But I know for my Husband Creature's sake, I need to keep my distance. It's too easy for us to reconnect and take things too far. 

Ex has proven to be challenging as well. He's pushed the conversation to move to an inappropriate place a number of times. I keep my distance but we still chat here and there. It's weird to me because he admits that his wife wouldn't be happy to hear that we talk. I know my Husband Creature is fine with me talking to old flings as long as it's casual. And for the most part it is. Ex sometimes gets carried away. I do my best to discourage it. He was super concerned for me when he found out I had Covid last month though. He kept checking in on me no matter how many times I told him I was experiencing no real symptoms. Not sure why he was so worried. But it kept us in communication for a while. It's been a bit and I'm ok with that. 

Anyways, we'll see how it goes with Obsession, especially if he signs on for my location. The idea thrills me and scares me to death. One part of me imagines him storming into my office, shutting my door and pushing me up against the wall... *sigh* (Similar to my experience with Latin Lover at the hotel in San Francisco, which today is one of the most ostentatious experiences I've ever had.) The other part of me imagines he'll be so busy or worried about how it looks coming to my office he'll avoid me... Making me sad. Either way, I really kind of wish I didn't have to deal with either. Both would be bad.

I'm feeling odd

I have a lot of emotions going through my brain this morning. Partly because I didn't sleep well, and partly because I don't feel what I think I am supposed to feel about Obsession. I feel like there is nothing inappropriate about our friendship. But my best friend seems to feel differently. She seemed irritated with me with the last events that took place and kind of laid me out for them. And I still, trying to look at it her way, am not seeing the problem. Sure he's flirty, so am I. I know I feel like the friendship is more one-sided. I feel like I'm his ego-boost and I don't get much in return. Then there are moments... Moments when I feel like he shares in his own way that my friendship means something to him. My best friend basically said he's a male chauvinist pig who's insecure and needs my ego boosts. She says I'm hurting my marriage. And still, I struggle to see how. 

I haven't seen Obsession in weeks. Not intentionally. He's just been out of his office the last few times when I've been down there. I finally emailed him. He said he was starting to wonder. (Not exactly sure what.) Then I saw him Tuesday. Within seconds he asked if I missed him. I almost didn't catch it, it was kind of under his breath. Of course said yes, but kept the conversation going. Now I wish I would have asked him in return. We caught up for about 20 minutes. Sometimes I wonder if the vibe I get from him is true or my own imagination. My irritation is that it feels so one-sided. I email him, he doesn't typically reach out to me. He always seems eager when I do though. 

Looking back through the last few email threads, there have been a lot of fun interactions. But again I know where my heart is at. I'm no longer as obsessive. And my marriage is doing really well! 

But lately, probably because I've been pushing myself too hard and not getting much me-time, I'm feeling low. Not really myself. To be honest, I'm either pregnant or going through pre-menopause. lol My periods have been a little off the last couple of months. Part of me wants to take a pregnancy test to be safe. My parents are having a yard sale and I'm getting rid of all my baby stuff and it would be ironic if I found out I was pregnant after the fact. Maybe I'll grab a test today and just take it to be safe. Goodness it would be overwhelming to be pregnant that this stage in life. 

Oh and hunkofbabe now shows as single of Facebook. Still irritates me that he deleted me after adding him. Not sure why he deleted me. He added my sister and that annoyed the crap out of me lol Oh well. And I've been curious about Colorado more lately. He's been updating his profile pic on facebook quite a bit. Looks like he's living his best life. I'm happy for him. Ex and I have chatted off and on for a while now. Most of the time the conversations are on the surface. Nothing too intense. I find that I reach out when I'm feeling needy or lonely or wanting attention which makes me nervous. So I go weeks without communicating to keep the distance. I really don't know why. He's not attractive. Not a draw. He doesn't compliment me. I'm weird. 

Anyways, back to Obsession. He's off today because his wife is having a procedure done to check on a mass. I can imagine his concern. Makes me want to reach out. But after my conversation with my best friend I feel I need to keep my distance. Even if I'm not sure that it's all bad. If an outsider is looking at our friendship as inappropriate I need to really take heed and be cautious. I love my husband and we've been doing so well for the last year and a half almost two years now! And I thank God for that! Well I have to get going... 

Been A While...

Things have shifted with Obsession. In a good way. And I'm grateful for it. It's shifted in the past and re-surfaced into a full blown crush so I'm hesitant to say anything but I almost feel that this whole COVID-19 Work At Home situation gave me the space I needed. I still want to talk to him. But when I do, my brain doesn't drift towards the inappropriate. 

....................................................................................

Welp... I knew it wouldn't last long. lol I had a dream about him the night before last. I was left feeling foolish and stupid. Which is how I tend to feel at times when I get done oversharing with him. Either way, the above was written I believe last week. 

We had an interesting conversation yesterday. He was very chatty. Seemingly surprised to see me. All smiles. When we sat down to talk he shared more than usual. Stories about his brother and mom and asking my opinion on if he should feel the way he did. We were clearly on the same page, I'd say something in agreement and he'd be like, "See! So it's not just me!" He was complimentary. I shared how I had a rough visit with my sister. I told him I mentioned a conversation he and I had with her and he was jokingly affronted that I would share our private conversations. He asked if my sister was jealous of my positive nature. I asked him why she'd be jealous of me, that she was the one with the nice new house. He said that you can have nice things but without an upbeat positive attitude it doesn't help much. He said I was bold. And seemed to admire that quality. I could tell he was referring to me being so completely honest with him, about my attraction to him. He says he thinks "Man, I can't believe she admitted that!" (never outright admitting to my acknowledgements) He has brought up a couple times how he's surprised I can be so bold. I always correct him that it's also stupid and he always argues that it isn't stupid he's just never been able to be so bold himself. He seemed surprised I talk to my Ex. He said his wife would never be ok with that. I shared how I had to have a lunch with my Husband Creatures ex and how uncomfortable I was with that until she spoke. lol 

We talked about my journaling. He still has the one I got him, he's only written a couple sentences in it and that he thinks of things to write but when it comes time to sit and write he feels silly. I asked if it's because he keeps thinking someone is going to read it and he agreed that was probably the issue. I told him how I need privacy because of my complete honesty and he asked if I wrote things that shouldn't be read by my husband and if I had a lock on it or anything. I told him no, but that if my Husband Creature read it, there would be a couple entries he wouldn't be happy with. His eyes got wide. I started to share that I have a private blog that I don't share any names and I just label the people I'm talking about. He seemed completely intrigued and ready to ask questions but someone walked in and by the time they left it was time for me to head out. I doubt he'll bring it up again. And if he does I have to be sure NOT to tell him his label lol That would be bad! 

He showed me more photos than usual. He shared how he went riding this last weekend. And hiking another day. He turned to me and we were super close. An intense moment. But again not the electricity I have felt in the past. And listening to that song by Selena Gomez - Fun. It doesn't pull me like it used to. So aside from still having a pull towards him, dreams and anticipation of getting to see him, it does seem my Obsession has toned down a bit. Though not enough for me to be glad about it yet. 

Random Run In

So shockingly I ended up seeing Obsession the night of April 1st at his brothers grave site. It was completely unintentional. I was driving to a store and happened upon the street and something just made me think, fuck it, let's see if I can find it... I drove down looking for crosses and poof he's sitting in his truck right in front of it on the phone. I wanted to stop, I wanted to text, I wanted to honk, something... He was off work a couple of hours early. I flipped around and ended up just texting him. We had our longest text interchange since my dad was in the hospital with his heart attack. I wasn't sure how it was received. I felt silly. I genuinely had no intention of invading his privacy. He seemed to appreciate that I was making an effort to find the spot. I made sure to mention that I didn't realize he would be taking off work early so he knew I wasn't even expecting to see him.

I made a point not to reach out to him again until I found out my work was sending me to "Work At Home" for the next couple of weeks but that I'd still have to go to one office once-a-week. He said he'd be doing the same and said we should coordinate our trips down. I'm gonna be honest. I've obsessed over this statement more than I'd like to admit. Still haven't heard so I'm waiting to see what he'll say or if he'll just be there Tuesday. I can't work overtime for the next few weeks either. So we'll see. I told him I'd for sure be there Tuesday. We'll see if he shows up. I was just surprised he would go out of his way to see me. It felt like the first time he's made me feel like he wants to see me.

So my Ex and I have been chatting on Snapchat. And somehow the conversation turned to all the concerns I had after we broke up and never had the opportunity to ask him about. It was very cathartic! He was complimentary. But nothing too inappropriate. We talked about some sexual stuff but I made sure to keep it on the surface and mentioned that it shouldn't be discussed further. I mean it's so easy to slip back into the flirting stages with an ex. I have to be careful especially after Colorado.

There's really not much more to say about that. But as I look at my last part, why am I so controlled with Ex and not Obsession? *sigh*

Another Cycle?

So Ex and I had an all day chat session via Twitter yesterday. It felt odd. I kept wondering if I should continue or not. It kept teetering on that line of inappropriate. It's so odd to chat with an ex that you've been intimate with. You know more about them then you do any other random person. There were a couple comments made but both of us were hyper vigilant not to let it go beyond that line. Though the line was brought up a few times. Ex sent a selfie among other photos and I was like "uh oh..." I didn't acknowledge it, just moved on to the next photo he sent me. He's currently in Finland. So the photos were really interesting! It might have been more the content of the background he thought I'd like to see.

Either way, I find myself wondering if we're going to chat again. Then I think um... no. That would be intentional.

It's odd, we have random messages and each time we chat there has been a reason and the chats are super short. Monday Ex sent me a message saying he was off to Finland. I found that odd. It seemed out of the ordinary. But of course my wanderlust was intrigued and wanted to hear more about it. I sent a safe travels and I look forward to the photos. So that's where the chat started yesterday.

So as I was chatting struggling to keep that line appropriate I kept thinking, is this my issue? Like do I exude inappropriate conversation? Am I the cause of all these lines being crossed. First with Colorado, then with Obsession and potentially with Ex? I am a flirt. I know this. But there is a difference between flirting and inappropriate flirting. I struggle to understand the difference.

Speaking of Obsession... I'm surprised by our last chat. I hate to admit it made me late getting back to my location on Tuesday. We talked WAY too long. But it was sooo nice. I've missed those chats. Those are the chats I remember prior to all the embarrassment and walls and distance I felt. It made me wonder if he really thought I had bad intentions and that's why he kept his distance. Or maybe the other coworkers got into his head and me coming and apologizing helped him see my intentions were NEVER to be harmful to his marriage. Maybe it was everything and he finally realized I'm not a vindictive person.

After my chat yesterday with Ex I wonder if this is an area I will have to be hyper vigilant in, to be sure not to cross any lines, since it appears to be an area I slip into easily. *sigh*

I know my Husband Creature is a flirt. He's aware that we're both flirts. I guess women are less likely to play into the flirting. Well... Not really. I'm easily slipping into it. Either way, I don't want this to be a constant struggle, and I will pray that I can keep myself in check and pure of heart.

Husband Creature and myself are doing really well. Now that he's working he seems to have some self worth back and doesn't seem as moody. I have appreciated his efforts. We're still trying to come to a balance on this new schedule and routine. We were so used to the way things were and now he's working we need to split duties more evenly. So we're on the path of figuring that out. 😊

Anyways, I need to get back to work... Just needed this off my chest.

I did a thing...

Things shift so much these days it's hard to know how I feel about Obsession anymore. Some days I'm sad things have changed so much, other days it feels like I still matter to him, and other days I just don't care. Lately I have cared less than usual.

I saw him last week at a work event, I was super excited knowing I would be seeing him and in the end that day was a horrible let down. When I look back, it wasn't as bad as I thought but the year prior had been such a cool experience I thought this year would have been similar. I think the year prior was such a cool experience because we were just getting to know each other. I didn't think he'd stick around me as much as he did. This year he was distracted by a coworker in his unit. She seems to have taken my place. And part of me wonders if there is more there even if she prefers the same sex. They were always sitting together, whispering to each other. 

Either way, the day ended with me feeling pretty low. But looking back there were a couple of cute moments. I was helping the registration line and was the person in charge of his line. He teased and said I was in his knowing I'd be helping him. I basically laughed it off saying oh yeah I selected these letters just so I could see you. Which deep down inside was exactly the case. lol I did get a group photo of us together with a bunch of other people which is what I wanted. He came up behind me and put his hand on my shoulder and asked a question about what I was doing. We had to fill out 5 names of people that were our heroes, I went straight up to his group and started with him. Told him how he is with his kids makes him a hero. He took his out of his pocket and said I was his hero because every day I am at the office makes the day brighter and I was like "awww" and he said no seriously... My day is brighter when you're there. We ended up doing a breakout session together with another group. We painted, he's always been complimentary of my painting but he didn't seem to even want to see my painting that day.

I bring that up only because the next day I stopped by his office to drop off some leftover stuff from the event and he asked me about it specifically because he thought I was a good painter and he couldn't recall what mine looked like. That same time I had my hair up in a ponytail because I was unloading boxes and sweating. I was a little worried about going in to see Obsession looking like a wreck but oddly I got a lot of compliments. I was wearing an item I had bought at the work event. A scrunchy with ties. He said I looked like I belonged in a sock hop. He and I chatted a little bit but he didn't seem interested in keeping the conversation going.

My Husband Creature asked if "My Distraction" was at the event after the fact. I forgot he may have been curious if I was going to see him. I see Obsession so randomly I kind of forgot I may need to keep my Husband Creature informed after everything. But I do see and interact with Obsession enough not to feel like I should share each time. It was kind of sad that he needed to verify that "My Distraction" wasn't there the whole time. Especially since I had long days. I wonder if he thought he had volunteered as well. But I clarified that he was only there for one of the two days.

Sunday I went to get out and color. Obsession always pops into my head when I do that, only because of the many conversations we've had about him wanting to get away and journal like that. Also because I've always been tempted to invite him to meet me for coffee. Either way, I couldn't shake the thought that really ultimately I'm there to be an example of Christ. That being me, means I represent a faint reflection of who God is. So, I sent Obsession a text, asking if there was anything he needed prayer for. His response was super fast, "Where do I begin, just kidding. Not really. Thx".

I saw him Tuesday, unexpectedly, sorta. There was a meeting at my location. Obsession sent confirmation he was going but then went to tentative. It looked like he wasn't going to make it. So much so that I wasn't too focused on trying to see if he was there when people started arriving. I was heading down the hall looking down at my phone and I noticed someone looking at me. It was Obsession! He said "Howdy Stranger!" and gave me a hug. We talked about how different my office looks because a bunch of changes that have been happening. I had to sit in the meeting with him. He was in my direct line of sight. It was hard not to get "distracted". And once I happened to look up and saw him looking at me. I ended up having to leave before the meeting was over so I made sure to say goodbye.

And finally to what the title of this post is about... I did a thing... I baked cookies. It's hard not to think of giving Obsession my cookies since he loves them so much and yes I know how horrible and how much of an innuendo that sounds like. We've joked about it. So... I interoffice mailed him some. They may either arrive today at 4pm or tomorrow. I was hoping today but it looks like it's most likely tomorrow. Oh wells. They should hopefully be ok. lol

Oddly I've been in contact with Ex on Twitter. He randomly messages me here and there and this last time we responded more than 4 times each. We left things on goodish terms. We had been emailing here and there but the first time I met his wife.... crickets. I'm guessing either she was threatened by me and asked him to stop communicating with me. Not sure. Either way, we rarely chat but it seems to be happening a bit more often.

I reached out to Latin Lover yesterday. Just wondering how he and his wife are doing. They officially called it quits. Poor guy. Has no idea what love really is, yet he thinks he's addicted to the feeling. Which I guess could be true... Because the feeling doesn't last. It's a decision. And I'm grateful that I know what that means.

Things with Husband Creature are doing well. The weeks following my dads heart attack took it's toll because I wasn't around and he had to pick up the slack. But we're good now that things are settling down into a regular rhythm again.

*Update 8/2/19*
Blah, not even a thank you! fucker... I got a buttload of guilt from the girl in his unit. She seemed genuinely annoyed. His lack of thank you makes me think she really was complaining enough to make him feel guilty for enjoying it. She did send a photo of him holding the container of cookies. She said he loves them and they taste like they just came out of the oven. And nothing, not a peep from him. *sigh* I partially want to reach out and be like sheesh not even a thank you? But if he thanks me then it won't feel genuine. And lets be honest, nothing received doesn't bode well. ...

...

So I couldn't help myself. I called him. He said don't hate him but he's getting heat from his wife about the group chats we've been in. But he could have called or emailed. He said he felt rude not joining in to the chat. But again, there are other forms of communication. So I'm still rather annoyed. He did thank me, before I told him why I called. And shared how great they tasted since they were warm during transport. But again... Guess I need to keep my distance for a bit. I'm too wrapped up in his responses or lack thereof. 

Hmmmm?

Well it's so strange I go through phases... Last week I was determined to stay away from Obsession. This week is a short week and this morning has been... interesting. I stopped to get donuts for a group at work that I needed to get some for and decided to get my area donuts as well. I knew what Obsession liked so I got him his kind. Brought it to him this morning and told him I couldn't help myself. We had a nice chat. Laughing as usual. We got on the topic of another guys' attractiveness in the office and he joked that he hears about the other guys' attractiveness a lot. And I asked him if he knew he was attractive like that, and then I said, well you are attractive. He thanked me and we moved on.

His coworkers showed up and we kept talking. We got on the topic of Ed Sheeran and how he's not very attractive but the more you get to know him he's a great guy in his interviews etc. that he becomes more attractive. And Obsession's coworker asked if guys were like that. That getting to know someone's personality made them more attractive. He said yes. She pried more saying she didn't think guys were like that, that most were shallow. He went into detail, that if a girl was fun to be around, had great conversations and was complimentary he would find himself attracted to her. And I couldn't help but wonder if he was saying that for my benefit. ONLY because I had just complimented him. We talked about Ex and how he wasn't very attractive but he treated me really well. Obsession asked what happened to him. I shared about how we didn't share the same beliefs and he was as deep as a puddle. Obsession asked if I had given him a chance. I told him we were together for 4 years, I definitely gave him a chance.

But Obsession's coworker mentioned that she heard a song and got teary-eyed thinking of Obsession and his cute little family and how much he loves them and how he better stay with his wife.

Update: So towards the end of the day I get an email from Obsession asking how he downloads the photos I shared of our work event. I'm still kind of surprised he wants them. But he was on his way out the door and said he'd talk to me about it today but he's at training this morning and will be available after I leave for my own work event and tomorrow I'm workin in the local office. So alas I guess it'll have to wait till next week. But again... interesting that he actually wants to download the photos.

Fuck Friends, Fuck Friends, Fuck Friends

What is it about U2 that makes you thoughtful? I don't know. I just got back from my walk. The moon is very beautiful right now, so are the clouds, beautiful shades of pink, orange and yellow as the sun is setting with a twilight sky. (Sigh) I'm very sad right now. I spent the bulk of my walk crying bawling. I really need to stop breaking down on my walks because I'll start avoiding them. I'm not sure what happens on my walks, maybe it's because all I have with me are my thoughts. I broke down nearly halfway through my walk and couldn't stop till I was almost home. I'm very sad and lonely. Maybe heartbroken is the best word to describe it. I'm tired of feeling like I'm the only one making the effort. I feel sometimes so desperate to be peoples friend that I do everything I can to make that person want to be my friend back only to be disappointed and let down.

Latin Lover says that he chants "Fuck friends, fuck friends, fuck friends"... I'm inclined to agree with him. And would even be including him in my list of friends I'm saying that about. But as I stumbled down the street crying so hard I could barely see and hoping nobody would see me, I thought “Everyone lets us down, the only person that won't is God”. Of course, in that moment a wave of guilt washes over me and I started crying even harder. My relationship with God is so distant. Yet, I know the only thing I need to do is seek Him but I'm so physically, mentally and emotionally drained right now I have no idea how to even go to Him. It's horrible to think I don't have the time for God. But if I'm honest, that's the truth. I keep thinking of that “Footprints in the Sand” poem. I know that’s the situation right now, God is carrying me through this time. Yet I feel so alone.

Why is it that sometimes you just need that tangible person, someone who will hold you and tell you that you're ok, faults and all? God can do the same thing. I've experienced it quite a few times. But right now I'm selfish. I want that physical person. I want to feel loved, cared for, desired, and accepted as I am.

I'm so drained right now. I partially think I'll just crash early tonight. Another issue I've been dealing with is lack of a good night’s sleep. Once I got past my brother's emergency wakeup calls at 3:30 in the morning, I just kept thinking too much, having nightmares, and waking up before my alarm by hours for no reason. Then when my alarm would go off I've slept through it a couple times!

The last time I broke down on my walk I realized that I wasn't who I wanted to be but that I needed to stop running from who I am. Tonight as I walked along crying I honestly thought, "Ok, so I've come to grips with who I am and have decided to accept myself as I am, will anyone else?" Yes, I'm talking about a relationship.

I've been recently interested/involved (at various levels) with 3 different guys, each in their own right, good men. All seem unavoidably unavailable! What's with me and unavailable men? the Drummer is not the kind of guy I should be involved with. Latin Lover, well there are a lot of reasons why I shouldn't be involved with him. Yet I feel the most desperate to be near him and get to know him. The Setup is in every way the perfect fit for me. He's a great guy, shares my beliefs, we have a great time when we hang out, yet I can't avoid the feeling he's JUST NOT THAT INTO ME! I don't know how many times I've written him off only to hear from him asking if I want to go out again. I always say yes, with a twist of hope and the time together is always great... Then I don't hear from him in forever.

(Sigh) I'm just so tired of feeling unwanted, undesirable and uncared for, especially the feeling of not being worth the effort. In both friendship and relationships, but right now I’m referring specifically to relationships! I'm tired of one superficial relationship after another. The last serious relationship I had was when I was with Ex and how many years ago was that!? For a time I really did enjoy the casual dating scene. I've gained a lot of confidence in areas where I didn't have ANY. Yet, when will someone feel the desire to be with me, flaws and all, for better or worse?

I'm drained, so I know my emotional outlook isn't very healthy. But I just need to express it... Get it off my chest, in hopes that I will be able to let it go. Blah! U2 - Achtung Baby playing on my ipod as a sad soundtrack to this moment in my life. Love is Blindness... How appropriate... (Sigh) I think I’m done ranting for the moment. I’m hesitant to post this on my public blog. I’ve considered posting it to my anonymous blog. Not sure why I’m doing this but here goes; another very real blog entry.

well, well, well...

The Drummer - Well he flaked on me. I called him out on it, not rudely, just told him I was surprised I hadn't heard back from him since we did make plans to hang out. He said he was feeling worn down so he stayed in bed all day, which means he was too drunk to think straight. I had heard he was doing better but for some reason I just have a hard time believing that. He said he was sorry he flaked on me and that he wouldn't make a habit out of it. I think it was for the best. I wasn't doing well yesterday and I think I was too weak to fight any urges.

I had gone to the local bar by his house and my good friend, the girl I clicked with, I guess I can call her bossom buddy lol, well she's the bartender and didn't like that this is the 3rd or 4th time I've stopped by without getting a drink. So I gave in and let her get me a drink. I could tell since it's been so long since I've drank that it affected me big time. I then decided to stop by The Drummer's just down the street but didn't feel comfortable just walking in, so decided to call and he didn't answer so that was my answer. I text him and told him to let me know if he still wanted me to come over and other then replying to my email I sent him, he didn't acknowledge the fact that we had plans.

Further proof he's an ass and I need to keep him out of my life.

Ex - So remember my last post where I mentioned my desire to contact my ex and I was curious about my motives. I knew there was an odd feeling about it. I took some time to think about it. When I realized what my motives were I got angry, not at him or necessarily at myself, but more the situation.

I feel the reason behind me wanting to reach out to my Ex is because he's the last person that I ever felt TRULY loved me. Who wanted to be with me, who wanted me to be happy, who loved me for everything that I was, good and bad. That was what? Over four years ago? I've dated A LOT since then and he's the last guy I can honestly say genuinely cared about me? Yeah, you can now understand why I got frustrated and a bit discouraged.

That mixed in with my disappointment that The Drummer never contacted me, and still wondering how I could have mistaken the connection between the Setup and myself. I just kinda lost it on the whole dating front. I was pissed.

I went over to my parents for prayer group and no one else showed up so we spent the evening talking about where I was at emotionally. Oddly my dad was impressed with my maturity in realizing the true feelings behind wanting to contact the Ex. I am still surprised he thought that was mature when I felt foolish when I realized what the truth was behind why I wanted to contact him. I discussed my desire to stay on track. Not to lose sight of the goal to stay righteous.

My mom shared with me on Friday that temptation will come but it's all about whether or not I go forward in it. This has helped quite a bit because I get flashbacks of me and The Drummer because lets face it, sex was fantastic with him. Part of me wonders if I'll ever be able to match it. I know if I hold off on having sex again for a VERY long time, then get married it should change it for me because the person I'm with is in love with me. The bummer is, now I have experienced amazing sex. Ugh...

So anyways, I'm really trying to stay on track, to be a good girl. I was frustrated that I got a little excited about hanging out with The Drummer. Then I felt an odd sense of rejection yet again. Then I realized it's God's protection. He knew I wasn't strong enough to hold up against the desire. And I'm glad now I didn't see The Drummer. I will see him in 2 days at the St Patrick's Day show. I will take pics. I will go home because I have to work the next day. I will be safe!

After talking to my parents I felt better. I let go of my frustrations with The Drummer. I now knew I could NOT contact my Ex for any reason. I felt like it was time to make sure things were ok with The Actor now too.

The Actor - So I sent an email to him shortly after my email to The Drummer. I went to bed and woke up to a message from him. It was sweet. He asked if my ears were ringing again because I had been on his mind. He agreed to having a great time. He said something only slightly confusing "wish we had better circumstances, but for how it worked.. I was glad we had a little fun time... " I'm not sure if he's referring to the fact that he has a girlfriend or to the fact that the second night didn't go too well. Maybe everything. Maybe he wouldn't have minded more time with just me. I don't know. But I am glad that things are still cool between us. He's a cool guy. And though I may have not been extremely attracted to him, I'm now looking at him with more admiring eyes. I guess sleeping with someone will do that to ya. I guess it's good that I'm not fully callused from having sex with guys that I don't really love.

The Setup - So my day has been going well. I was in good spirits at work. Energetic and productive. I was enjoying my time working late with no one else in the office when he called! The setup finally called! I wasn't ready to answer the call so I let him leave a message. He wanted to meet for coffee this week. He was cutely flustered on the voicemail. I called him back after a few minutes. We pretty much set it up for Sunday but he will call me Thursday or Friday to set firm plans. I'm actually VERY surprised he called. Pleasantly surprised though. I will be curious as to what comes of all this.

Well I need to go to bed... Goodnight strange world

What the?!

So The Drummer has suddenly taken an interest in me again. Why all the sudden? I have no idea. But this week he's been calling a lot! One night it was 4 times. Last night he called me at midnight. Then this morning. He's asked me to come over and help him with his computer. I'm scared about going over there. I also feel like it's a good thing. He's hinted at noticing my lack of interest in hanging out. At the time he mentioned it I wasn't prepared to answer with the truth, I just told him I was working a lot. (sigh) Why couldn't I tell him? As soon as I got off the phone I realized I've shot myself in the foot. I mean I can tell him but I've lost the seriousness of his behavior. I do plan on being honest if I get the chance.

I was teasing him tonight and he suddenly dropped offline so now I'm concerned. Oh well... I'm still not sure it's wise to go over to his place at all, daytime or not!

The Setup - Well I definitely was right not to use the term "the one"! He has yet to contact me since our first meeting last Sunday. He told our mutual friend that he planned to text me and I haven't heard anything from him. I'm not totally writing him off, I mean it could be a new friend to talk to about the woes of Christians in the dating world. But at this point, I'm not holding my breath either. It's obvious he's (as they say) just not that into me! I am surprised he put on such a good show though. Why act the way he did if he wasn't all that interested? Oh well. Moving on...

The Actor - I've been thinking a lot about him. Not sure how to address the situation. I have some cute pics of us from his time here. I will post them but he's made it clear he doesn't want me to tag him in the photos. I'm guessing he didn't tell his girlfriend he was hanging out with chicks while he was down here.

I've been struggling not emailing my Ex this week. I don't know why he's been on my mind so much. I haven't heard from him since I met his wife at the reunion dinner in December. Part of me wonders if his wife told him she didn't want him contacting me anymore. I mean I knew she always had an issue with my ex and I staying in communication but it's just been an odd length of silence. I usually hear from him by now. I'm tempted to let him know about my brothers surgery, but then I am afraid of causing problems. Then I wonder what's my motivation for contacting him? Is it really all that healthy?

Anyways, I'm not sure how I feel about men these days. First Kiss sent me a couple sweet random texts last week. It's like, the moment I made the choice to avoid non-christian guys they came a running, and the one christian guy I met doesn't seem to want anything to do with me. Annoying! How can I stay on track and be a good girl if all I have coming after me are the bad boys?

We'll see how well I do. I have every intention of NOT sleeping with The Drummer when I go over there tomorrow. Well technically today. I really should be sleeping because its daylight savings and I'm losing an hour.

Goodnight

More about The Drummer...

The Drummer - So I haven't been ready to share about The Drummer lately. I think because my heart is too involved. So much has happened. I'm really confused. I'm not sure what we are. I know we have decided to just be friends yet both of us know there is more there, A LOT more.

Even now my heart is beating hard. Why? Because he's supposed to call and let me know when to come over. In my mind I plan on going to sleep. I didn't sleep at all at his place last night. I have an early morning meeting tomorrow in Big Bear. I don't know why I don't just send him a text sayin that I'm crashing and let it be. I guess because I feel I've been buggin him tonight. Yet, if he never calls it will piss me off. I know it's Christmas and he's been drinking. I also know we woke up in eachother's arms on Christmas morning. Did I ever expect that!? No!

Ok so I should probably start back to my last post. I mentioned that I knew I was in trouble when he came back to kiss me on the cheek. Well not even two days passed before we talked about it. I told him I felt my heart was getting too involved.

well he just called... I'm meeting him afterall... (Sigh) more to come.

Ok so the above was Christmas night which was Friday night... Back to what I was writing about, our "talk".

So our "talk" was on that Monday or Tuesday (Dec 14th or 15th), he said he could tell I was getting too involved and it made him nervous because he didn't want to hurt me. We talked about how as much as we enjoy the sex it's probably best if we stop. I felt sad and a little dissappointed. He was still planning on joining me for the reunion dinner.

Over the next couple of days I kind of kept my distance. I even considered not having him go with me to the reunion dinner because I didn't want to deal with our uncomfortableness along with the awkwardness of meeting my Ex's wife. But when I told him he didn't have to go because the group was getting a little too big he seemed to think it was only because of our talk. I told him that wasn't the case but I guess deep down it might have been. I mentioned something on the group page about not bringing a date because the group was so big but they wanted me to bring one anyways. I explained that if he had to work he wouldn't be able to go. And confirmed The Drummer was still willing to go if I needed him to.

So the week continued and that Saturday (Dec 19th) The Drummers band had another show. I went knowing The Drummer and I had made a decision not to get physical. When I saw him at the show I noticed his eyes were puffy and his nose looked pretty messed up. I found out he was out at a bar the night before and got punched pretty hard from the side and his nose was broken. He looked pretty miserable. I could tell the show wasn't one of their best performances but I couldn't tell if it was only because his nose was broken or if there was something going on with the guys. I asked the Bassist's fiance and she said she could see it too.

After the performance I spent most of the time talking to The Singer and his friends outside and I barely saw The Drummer. I still get surprised that he and I barely seem to talk while at his shows. Anyways, I saw him looking over to me but he didn't seem to make any effort to make conversation.

I happened to be walking by the bar to go to the restroom and I saw him sitting on a stool looking rather pathetically miserable. I went up to him and asked how he was holding up. He said he wasn't doing well at all and just wanted to go home. I asked him why he wasn't going home and he said it's because he didn't have a ride and that his car was at the Bassist's place. I told him I would take him home and he seemed grateful but also felt bad about me missing out on the rest of the show. I told him it didn't matter and I could always come back. I even teased and said, I'll drop you off and won't come in. He smiled and it was decided I was taking him home.

I could tell he was pretty messed up, he could barely walk straight. I got him home and he offered to have me come in. I told him it wasn't a good idea because we had a hard time being good. He said he would make sure to be good because he really enjoyed my company.

So I went in and we hung out for a while on the couch talking about this that and everything. We talked quite extensively about our feelings. He said he cares about me greatly and he thinks I'm more beautiful and I have a better body then the other girl he's hung up on. He noticed my reaction to his comment about my body and asked if I believed him. I told him it was hard to and he said it was the truth and he liked my body better then hers. He knows I'm really good to him. And yet, even if the other girl wasn't in the picture we both know a relationship isn't wise, not with our lifestyles and beliefs being so different. Yet we couldn't help but get closer as the night progressed. I found myself holding his hand and he admitted to his hesitation on being affectionate back. I wasn't sure what was going on, even in my own thoughts.

We decided to watch Patch Adams and go to sleep. I had every intention of being good. But as usual things progressed towards sex. The sex was extremely intimate. I mean he's always been very passionate but he kept making me orgasm, so many times I lost count and I was exhausted to the point I didn't think I could any more and yet he kept going and made me orgasm two more times! It was fantastic! My stomach drops every time I think about our experiences. I also felt horrible because of his nose! He could barely breath and yet he was still leaving me completely weak and very satisfied!

I'm still so surprised he doesn't have to do much to make me orgasm. I'm not very experienced but there's just something about our fit that makes me go crazy! He also does something that I consider very intimate, which is staying inside of me. He'd lay with his dick inside me all night if I'd let him. He intertwines our bodies and holds me tight. I've asked around and found that it's an uncommon thing for guys to do, and its definitely more in line with love making then just fucking.

After a few hours, we went to sleep. I woke up to him climbing on top of me and putting his dick inside of me. I had never experienced that before and it was fucking awesome! What an amazing way to wake up! It didn't take me long to orgasm and he came for the first time that night (he had made the entire night about pleasing me) and we both fell back to sleep until I had to get up and head home to shower and go to church like a good girl.

As I got dressed he teasingly asked what happened and that hadn't we agreed not to do that anymore. I laughed but knew it was true. I didn't have any issues with how it worked itself out but I knew my heart was even more involved with him now.

Fresno - I had agreed to meet Fresno down at his new place in Aliso Viejo on that Sunday evening (Dec 20th). I wasn't sure how I felt about it because he kept pushing for me to spend the night and he kept wanting to know what I liked to drink for alcohol.

One thing about realizing my heart is now focused solely on The Drummer it means all these other men are put off to the wayside. Even African, whom I haven't even explained here is no longer any interest. Mind you, he also hasn't taken the time to call but I think he got tired of me putting him off. I'll give a short explanation of him in the end.

Anyways, I left my place at about 4:30 and got down to Fresno's place at 6:30 and we went to dinner. He had a nice place. I hadn't realized how close to Laguna beach he really was. We went to BJs restaurant there and ate some appetizers only because I had eaten shortly before heading down. We went back to his place and watched "Italian Job" and as soon as it was done he asked if I was ready for bed! I was like, "um, yeah I'm heading home." He seemed surprised but then explained it away to himself that it was because I would deal with traffic Monday morning. Which was true but I even told him I was sort of seeing someone just so he knew he wouldn't be able to attempt anything with me.

It's always nice to hang out with him. But it's odd that he keeps wanting to make it more then just a friend thing. I left at about 11:30 so I got home late.

Reunion Dinner w/ the Ex - So Monday, Decemember 21st I went down to the reunion dinner.

The Drummer didn't end up going with me because his nose was really bad and he had two black eyes. He said he would go but he was concerned about what my friends would think of me hanging out with someone like that. Which I thought was rather sweet of him to be concerned for me. He felt bad he couldn't be there for me but I was feeling like it was how the night should have worked out. It was something I knew I should face alone.

I got to the restaurant and saw my Ex's brothers girlfriend driving in just in front of me. She hasn't seen me since I've lost all this weight and immediately commented on it. It was great to see her. She and I have stayed friends even after my Ex and I broke up. Actually I'm still fairly close to his entire family.

I walked up and saw my Ex sitting at the table. My heart started pounding. I tried to calm my nerves by the time I walked in and saw his wife sitting and a few people there. I was so flustered I walked up stuck my hand out to shake hers and didn't even introduce myself. I was busy saying hi to everyone and then when I tried to find a place to sit I couldn't make it too obvious I was sitting away from them because they were in the center and it worked out that I sat across from them. It wasn't intentional. I knew it was obvious I was feeling awkward and tried to stay busy.

I walked outside and ran into my favorite people of the group. They also haven't seen me since the weight loss and both their mouths dropped open in shock of how good I look. I felt awkward and grateful they didn't get the chance to gush in front of my Ex and his wife. It took me maybe 20 minutes to relax from my initial interaction with my Ex. I was frustrated that I had made it obvious I was nervous and awkward about meeting her.

So seeing the Ex wasn't that hard. I remember looking at him and thinking, yes, this is a man I knew intimately well at one point, now he's a perfect stranger. That was an odd feeling. His wife is not very photogenic so I noticed she looked prettier then in her pictures. Yet I couldn't honestly say which one of us was prettier. I know, petty... But it was one of my thoughts. I was dying to know what she was thinking of me. I couldn't get a feel for her emotions. I talked to her only in passing conversation. In the end of the night I went up to her and gave her a hug and told her it was great to meet her.

As far as interaction with The Ex, there were a few times during the night I noticed we did a lot of the side glances and quickly looking away. There was one person sitting next to me who started talking about anal sex and a girls first experience and that was the only extremely awkward moment for me because it made me think of my first experience with anal being with my Ex. Of course, thinking about it leads to visual memories and I seriously had a hard time shaking the scenes in my head. No one knew my thoughts and it's not like I thought my Ex was thinking of our experiences, but I felt awkward thinking of him in that light while he sat across from me next to his wife!

I gave him a hug at the end of the night and wished I could talk to someone about what they thought of the night, the interaction or even what they thought of his wife and me in comparison. But sadly I don't know any of them well enough to go there with them and I left with lots of unanswered questions.

I also felt slightly awkward because I knew his wife never felt ready to meet me and this time she didn't have a choice. And she has always had an issue with my Ex and I staying friends. She's never understood why he continues to talk to me. I, myself, have also wondered at times why he's kept his promise to stay in touch. Mind you, his contact has gone from monthly to every couple months but he still makes the initial contact.

I was also curious as to what everyone else thought of the situation but all-in-all I thought it went really well. I felt confident and sexy so it didn't matter to me what the wife thought of me. Everyone else kept commenting on my weight loss and it felt good to know I looked better then I have in a LONG time.

Back to the Drummer - So I sent the Drummer a text on the way home letting him know it went well, even though he wasn't there. We talked about his dislike of Christmas the last time I spent the night and how he gave back "Garden State" to the other girl and he was really bummed about it.

Wednesday the 23rd I called around and found a copy of the movie and decided to be possibly really stupid and buy it for him. I also grabbed a few movies so that he'd have more then the few he's been watching over and over again. I text him to find out if he was at home and explained I had some movies for him to watch. I could tell he seemed really happy about the fact that I had thought of him like that.

I looked cute because I had just gone to the Candlelight Service at the church and was all dressed up. I literally stopped over, showed him the movies and looked at the progress of his nose healing and left. He knew I had pictures to edit.

Christmas Eve he kept textin me updates on which movie he was watching which seemed unusual for him. He ended up calling me and we talked on the phone for like 2 1/2 hours and at about 3am he asked me to come over. He made a promise to be good and for once we were! I got over there and we started Donnie Darko and were talking too much to really watch it. During this conversation we talked about the fact that I'm pretty much his best friend, he said possibly the best friend he's ever had. He doesn't want to lose that.

We slept in the same bed but didn't do anything. Of course the temptation was there, he gave me a couple hugs and kisses on the cheek throughout the night. I will say waking up next to him on Christmas morning was a little more romantic then it should have been. It didn't help that he left to grab some dog food and brought me back a coffee! He knew I was a starbucks fan but just got the gas station coffee and even tried to make sure not to put too much cream and sugar. Freakin sweet! We relaxed and talked about random stuff. He was in a super good mood. He kept sayin he was actually happy this Christmas because he woke up to his absolute best friend with him and a stack of great movies to watch. And that he had a lot to be happy about.

I had to head home and get ready for my Christmas Day plans, which wasn't much because we're not doing our Christmas until New Years when my sister has her kids. But I was going to a movie with the family and then over to my parents for dinner.

The Drummer had mentioned at night his roommate, her boyfriend and he were planning on playing board games if I wanted to come over. I said I would. This is sort of where this post started. Me waiting for him to call me and let me know when to come over.

He called me from his moms house, too drunk to drive home. He asked me to come pick him up. I got directions but he found out I wouldn't be able to stay late because of my plans to drive up to Big Bear the next morning. He decided to chance driving home and just told me to meet him there.

I got there before he did and I'm comfortable enough with his roommate and her boyfriend so I was chillin till he got there. This is where things get a little odd. I'm still trying to work out what happened.

The Drummer and the boyfriend started playing Yatzee. The Drummer was reacting strangly towards me but I couldn't quite pinpoint what was wrong. I felt like he was frustrated that I kept trying to help him out in the game. And I was embarrassed because I was keeping score and kept screwing up the math. He also seemed to be mad that I was cheering on the boyfriend rather then him, which wasn't true but I guess that's how he saw it. At the end of the 4th game he seemed really moody with me and thats when he accused me of flirting with his roommates boyfriend!!! I was in shock! I had no thoughts towards the boyfriend at all. But I was also confused because The Drummer told me we weren't together, why would he be so mad that I was flirting (well other then the fact that it's his roommates boyfriend). He said she gave him a look like "what the fuck?" and then went to bed. I saw her looking at me but I wasn't sure what emotion was going on. I thought she was just watching the interaction between The Drummer and I.

He was REALLY angry. He wouldn't believe me when I made him explain what his issue was. He felt I should have known what I was doing. I'm still unsure of what he saw. I know my personality. I'm flirtatious with everyone, but I mean there were times I was WAY flirty with the Singer in front of The Drummer and it didn't seem to bother him.

The only thing I could think of is our dynamic has changed. He allowed himself to have feelings for me. He kept saying he knew he shouldn't be jealous because we're not together. But then he would say he never wanted me to do it again. It took a while for both of us to get to a comfortable point about everything. I told him the flirting was unintentional and that he should know where my heart is. He kept saying it's possible he read it wrong but it wasn't until his roommate confirmed it with the look she gave him that he started to get extremely angry. I finally had to just say I was sorry, and he has this thing about sorry meaning you'll never do it again and I said that's what I mean. The conversation was pretty tense for a while. I felt horrible.

I always knew when I got back into a relationship I would have a hard time not flirting like I'm used to. But I had no idea I was in a relationship! I think he realized that and backed off on being so angry with me.

So I asked if I was staying the night, he said I could, but that there was no chance for us having sex. I was fine with that. I was exhausted because of the lack of sleep the night before and well arguing until 2am is never fun!

His mood shifted quickly and he was rambling about other things with a snide comment here and there about me flirting with another guy. He did say something about not expecting that behavior from me, and he was used to women treating him like crap, but not me. He even realized that if my actions were intentional it was the way to make him like me more. As messed up as it is, I think he's right. I've always felt the reason we weren't in a relationship is because he doesn't know how to handle someone who treats him good and isn't emotionally unstable.

At one point I told him I thought about the "L" word just that day when it came to how I felt about him. I told him I knew I did love him but that I wasn't "in love".

I fell asleep to him rambling and he was ok with that. He apparently talks more when he's drinking. I was half asleep and said "I love you" and he said he loved me too. At one point he asked me a question and I was so out of it I couldn't summon the voice to respond, then he started talking about how he felt a lot of love for me but that he's just scared because he doesn't know how to handle someone who treats him so good.

He went to have a smoke, but before he walked out he leaned over me and gave me a kiss on the cheek and whispered that it pissed him off when he realized the roommates boyfriend knew he had the upper hand and started using it.

When he was gone I tried to figure out what he meant by that. When he came back The Drummer was all excited because he could breath normally for the first time since breaking his nose, which his sister (a nurse) felt he needed surgery to correct. He was almost giddy and I couldn't help but wake up a little and share in his happiness.

At the time, I remember how it started, but now I can't remember how it started. Oh! He asked if I was hungry, I said no but told him if he was hungry he should go make himself something to eat. He said that I would need to remove my pants if he were to be able to get something to eat! I was shocked! And of course, had to tell him that aside from us knowing we shouldn't go there, I was on the tail end of my period and he wouldn't want to eat me.

He said that was even better, that it meant I could sit on him. And when I told him I thought we were not gonna do that anymore he said that I had asked him how I could make up flirting with his roommates boyfriend in front of him, this is how I could do it! I called him an ass with a huge smile on my face and it didn't take us long to get hot and heavy.

I was quite surprised we were having sex especially after what took place. I guess maybe I should have known since it meant his feelings for me were stronger then I think even he knew they were. It was good as usual. We took a small break and the second time I will have to say was me starting it. After we were done with round two he was in a really silly mood. He took the blame for our first romp and blamed me for the second. He started tickling me and then telling me not to be so loud since others were sleeping. In fact, it turns out the door was open when we were having sex. So at any point the roommate and her boyfriend could have heard us! I felt embarrassed but also kind of wondered if he did that on purpose.

Either way, we finally went to sleep and I woke up early because I had to make a trip up to Big Bear early. I kissed him on the cheek goodbye and felt good about where we were.

It wasn't until later that I was left wondering what the heck we are! He still says he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me. Yet, his reaction to what he thought was going on between me and his roommates boyfriend shows his feelings are WAY more possessive then he let on. In fact, I think the possessiveness just started as well.

He told me that the band members blew up that pic of me and him kissing and taped it to his base drum and how he thought it was completely adorable. He talked about not being ashamed of what we'd done.

Saturday morning I got home, showered and head up to Big Bear by 10am and on my way back down sent him a text. I'd been there most of the afternoon. I didn't get a reply till later and when I did I really didn't expect to keep a conversation going but he actually did!

Today, Sunday, I sent him a text asking how he was doing and didn't get a text till later that he was actually working and would contact me later. I got a text at 8:30 saying he just walked through the door. I mentioned that I'd ask if he wanted company but I was sure he'd probably be too tired. He text back that yeah, he wasn't up for company but then called me to talk.

It's going to be a busy week. So I probably won't get to see him much. I haven't spent this much time with him EVER! I'm normally not talking or texting him this consistently. I have no idea how the next few days will go. I tend to think I should keep my distance. Not that I'm the only one opening communication. But it's just a bit much for me. It feels too much like it's already a relationship. I could tell when he called tonight I was feeling awkward, unsure of what to talk about or if I should try to get off the phone as quickly as possible.

I will just take it one day at a time, like I've been doing. I guess because I see the progression of us over the last few months grow exponentially I'm curious if it's finally hit that wall. I'm not saying this relationship has grown quickly but I can definitely see the intensity shift even though BOTH of us have said it's not something we feel would be a good thing. I'm starting to wonder if either of us can help ourselves.

African - I'm so not in the mood to go into discussing him. I probably will never get around to it. But for now I'm leaving it for the next post.

Me & The Drummer

The Drummer - The picture to the left is me and The Drummer Friday night. Every time I see this picture it makes my heart flutter. Ugh! What am I gonna do? I spent the night at his house that night. You know where that led. I'm so confused and unsure about how I feel about all this.

The picture was taken at the tail end of the night at one of his shows. I'd barely talked to him that night. I didn't expect anything. I was quite surprised he kissed me. In fact, someone was bugging him to take a picture of me and him and it was during that, that he leaned down and just kissed me until they took the picture. A random stranger came up to me shortly after that and asked if he was my man and I hesitated because I didn't know how to respond. The Singer and others were watching this take place and the Singer said "yes" to the lady who asked just as I said "um, no. I wish he was!" The Drummer then said "oh knock that shit off" and I was confused by what he meant. Did he mean stop that I wanted him or that I didn't know if he was "my man"? The whole thing left me confused but I didn't honestly think much about it. (The lady that asked the question said if he wasn't my man I should definitely try to make him my man because he was one fine looking man. haha)

I have been distant from him since maybe Thanksgiving because I knew he was hoping things would work out with the other girl and he was very unresponsive when I would text and ask how he was doing. I honestly thought they must have gotten together. I hadn't been able to talk to him about what happend on Thanksgiving when he went down to visit.

The night was a bit of a blur. I had the Singer flirting with me. There was a girl I met, a friend of The Drummer's, who was absolutely beautiful! I thought for sure she and The Drummer had to have hooked up. She kept asking if I was involved with any of the band members and I said no. This was before the kiss with The Drummer. She went after the Singer. He thought she was a bitch and asked me why she was being so crazy with him. I told him she was interested and before you know it they were making out! lol I couldn't help but laugh. Either way The Singer still thought she was psycho but went home with her. I had driven her down to the show so she said she was driving back with him and The Drummer. So when we were saying out goodbyes I hugged The Drummer goodbye he seemed confused and asked if I was driving home alone or if he was going with me. I wasn't sure how this all seemed worked out and I wasn't made aware of it but I, of course, welcomed him to come with me.

We talked on the way back about random nothingness. Mostly about how messed up people get and become the problem rather then the solution. I did find out the other girl has pretty much made it seem like she didn't want any kind of relationship. She still talks to him but that it's pretty much over. He mentioned the new girl I met that went with The Singer was the first bi-polar woman he wasn't attracted to. I told him I was shocked because I thought she was such a cool person and totally beautiful. He responded that it takes more then looks to make him attracted to someone. We were almost back to the Bassists house to where his car was when he offered for me to come over to his place. He added that he would be good. I teased and said, what if I don't want you to be good? He said, no matter what happened, he would be good to me. I knew what that meant and it was pretty much decided I'd spend the night.

I'm still kind of surprised by this though. I mean earlier that night I wasn't sure what was going on between us. He seemed to pull away and I knew it was for the best so I didn't push to keep communication open.

So we climb into bed. We're just cuddling at first. We talk about this and that and he started running his fingers through my hair and asks what I'm thinking about. I told him honestly that I was afraid I was being foolish by being in bed with him and he never really addressed that. He said he was thinking he didn't have too much to drink, meaning the sex would be good. It didn't take long for us to be going at it hot and heavy. We didn't go as long as usual. He had to be up at 6am for work and it was 3am!

We slept, at some point he pulled me close and intertwined with me. When it was time to get up, he told me to stay sleeping as long as I wanted and leave whenever. I took him up on that offer and happened to look up when he was rummaging through some pant pockets and realized how fucking hot he really is, even in his grungy work clothes. I couldn't believe someone so unbelievably sexy would like someone who didn't have a perfect body. I burried my head in the pillow and tried to shake the thought and he came and went out of the room while he got ready. At one point I heard the front door open and shut and then shortly after open again and he came back into the room and kissed me on the cheek. And I was pleasantly surprised to realize that was the only reason he came back in. As soon as I was sure he was gone I said aloud, Oh shit... I'm screwed.

Since that moment I haven't been able to stop thinking about him. I'm uncertain of my feelings. Even uncertain of his feelings. I know he cares for me but what is he thinking "this" is?! I haven't had the guts to ask him yet. He worked all day Saturday and we text a bit about how he was holding up but I didn't want to pester so I didn't text very much. Today I realized I've fallen. That there is no way I can keep this going without my heart getting hurt. I have thought of ways to ask him what's going on but my decision was to keep my distance. No need to freak him out by telling him I've fallen for him.

So I've kept looking at the picture above every chance I get. I sent him the picture to his cell but I never got a reply so I'm not sure if he gets pics. I think I vaguely remember him saying he couldn't wait to get an upgraded cell that would accept pics.

I'm not sure how I feel. He called me tonight after work. My heart skipped a beat. He was telling me how he survived at work and that The Singer was anxious to see the pics I took that night. I told him I had to deal with the paying gigs pics before I went through their show pics. He totally understood. He knew I was heading to a church Christmas party so we didn't talk long.

(sigh) I'm screwed.

And The Drummer's agreed to go with me to my old works reunion dinner. My old work that the Ex and I worked and got together at. Apparently my Ex is going to be there with his wife and I realized that though I may be cool seeing them and meeting her for the first time, I'm just not sure if I am ready to do it alone. I had asked him earlier in the week and he totally understood the reasoning without me needing to explain it. He said he cleaned up nicely and would gladly go with me if he didn't have to work. I'm not sure if he will go with me, and before Friday I wasn't sure if I wanted anyone to go, that I may want to face it alone. I know I'd have fun and I feel really good about myself. I can't imagine it being too hard. But I'll be curious if The Drummer does end up going as my date how it would go... We'll see.

Anyways, I have yet another new guy to add to my list but it's super late and I really need to get to bed. His nickname will be "African" because he's originally from Africa.

What a week

It's been an emotional week. Though I didn't realize it until I was driving home after work and all the emotions came flooding out of me. The tears came out without much warning. I drove crying uncontrollably. I just let it all come out.

At first I thought it had to do with Computer Geek. I was hurt by something that I found out today that he didn't tell me himself. It bothered me I had to ask. In the end I realized my problem was with how little I know him, and I've always valued his friendship. Not saying he doesn't value mine. He's a very private person. It's just the way I show the value of a friendship is how much I open up to a person. Yes I'm a pretty open individual but there are things I only share with him. I've long given up any hope of any romantic attachments with Computer Geek and myself, though I still find myself physically/sexually drawn to him.

Anyways, as I cried driving home it really hit me how much emotions I've stuffed deep inside about all of these other issues and the little issue with Computer Geek was just the tip of the iceberg, the straw that broke the camels back so to speak. (Sigh)

Everything about this week has challenged my ability NOT to care what other people think about me. Sadly I wasn't winning the battle as well as I thought.

Last Saturday my childhood crush located me on Facebook. Ironically I've mentioned him here once when describing how even back in the day I made up nicknames for the guys I like. His was HunkofBabe. Click Here to see that post. Either way he's happily married with two kids now, but something I wrote in one of my replies to him made me nervous that I made a fool of myself. He still hasn't responded, feeding into my fears that he now won't ever talk to me again. The first couple of days I couldn't let it go. When I finally did, it came with the pain that if I did say something silly and he decided never to write me again... OH FUCKING WELL!

The situation with HunkofBabe reminded me of my childhood in Alaska. My parents always told me that my class was the meanest group of kids they ever met. I don't really remember but as the email situation happened with HunkofBabe it brought me back to all the emotions and insecurities I felt as a child. Wanting their approval. I thought a lot about that. How things have changed quite a bit. How my current friends are nothing like what I would think they would consider "acceptable" and I'm thinking... Do I really want people like that back in my life?

I also finally had to have a talk with Junior. I just asked him if his girlfriend flirted with anyone as much as he flirts with me would he be ok with it? He said ignorance is bliss and then asked if this meant he would have to stop hitting on me now! Silly kid. Either way, again I was pushed with the decision of being ok whether or not he liked what I had to say. It was something that needed to be said. Luckily we're all good now but he seemed pretty bummed with me for the next couple of days.

Then I had to stop by The Ex's parents place last night to drop off some stuff. His mom finally had the courage to ask me if I was dating anyone. Though she waited till she walked me to my car, my ex's dad respects that fact that we split on friendly terms. It was such an odd subject to talk about with the woman that felt you were "The One" for her son. But I basically just told her I was tired of the dating scene and I was taking a step back from it. It's odd that I have such a continued relationship with my ex's family. I still hang out with most of them. But I will say I felt odd talking to her about it. The Ex is married now and has since moved to another state. The conversation left me feeling a bit sad. Not about wishing I was with him, I know he's MUCH better off, just sad and confused at why I haven't been able to find a decent guy.

I've spent a lot of this week trying to just come to grips with the fact that some people may just not like me. It's so hard for me as a people pleaser to come to grips with that. It's been a rough week and once I cried it all out I felt much better, relieved knowing that there were a lot of reasons behind it. I even sent Computer Geek a text letting him know I was sorry if I acted butthurt and ya know, he was really cool about it.

It's late and I should be in bed but I just needed to get all this off my chest.

The Men - young and old

Vegas - After I refrained from having sex with him when I was in Vegas for a business trip I thought he'd stop texting but to my surprise he's kept it up. Though I really found it difficult to stop myself from having sex. If I hadn't made a promise to myself that I didn't want to add another person to my list I would have easily let him come up to my room. But if I can't be honest here where can I be honest? I did it for Geek Photographer. He knew I was going to meet someone in Vegas and possibly have sex. He seemed concerned about it. He kept making me promise to tell him if I did end up doing something with Vegas. And because of my feelings for him, not wanting to let him down, I refrained from having sex, even though damn.... I wanted to. Vegas is fucking hot! It didn't stop me from having great makeout sessions.

I was surprised at how natural it all happened. I found myself walking hand-in-hand with him. He was a complete gentleman well other then pushing me to have sex when I kept saying no. He knew deep down I was struggling with my decision. But I stuck to my guns and in the end he respected it.

Colorado - Did I mention that the moment he got married he fell off the face of the earth? Not on chat, website password secured, cell number no longer a working number, *poof*... gone!

Ex - Has surprisingly kept in contact since being married. Not so much on chat but in emails. In fact making an awkward attempt at being friendly by sending me links to his honeymoon and wedding! I struggled with the "wtf" thoughts... Seriously, who sends an ex-girlfriend pictures of your honeymoon? hehe Freak... But he's a nice guy. My friends ask why I don't just tell him to go away. Part of me wonders if I should. He made a promise, part of me thinks I should just thank him for sticking to it, but it really doesn't matter anymore. I don't mind an update every 6 months, but you don't have to work at keeping the friendship alive. What friendship really? It's more like an awkward aquaintence now.

Burbank - Has pushed off his move a few weeks. It's now scheduled for the 29th. He's made it a priority to meet my parents before he leaves the state. Odd, I know. Still can't quite figure that one out.

Junior - Yup, a new character in my listings of men. I've been trying to figure out a good name for him. He's 11 years my junior so I figured why not just call him that. I've mentioned him before, asking if it was wrong that I was shamelessly flirting with him. The thing is, I think this young guy is a total hottie. I think last night I found out for the first time the feelings are mutual. We've made a pact that the next time we're both single he's taking me out on a date. He currently has a girlfriend.

I first mentioned him at the bottom of my "Getting Stuff off my chest" blog if you want a little history.

In not such a wise move I admitted that I woke up one morning to a naughty dream about him. I had only shared that it made me blush. He got a kick out of it the day I told him but never mentioned it again. But sure enough he mentioned it last night. He wanted to know what I dreamt about. Going back and forth he told me I was sexy, extremely beautiful and that he was looking forward to taking me out... Damn!

Even in the midst of others he has said some things that make others question him about his actions because he has a girlfriend. He found out I missed a call from Older Guy and someone commented that his reaction showed jealousy.

Older Guy - He keeps promising to take me out for my birthday but our schedules just haven't meshed. He's such a dreamer. He has some awesome business ideas. But I'm just not sure how it's going to work.

Computer Geek - Still as adorable as ever. Though I'm surprised he sent his girlfriend back home. I know that with his girlfriend around I kept myself a little guarded not to go too far with the flirting even though I knew he didn't seem to care one way or the other.

Geek Photographer - Oddly I haven't been as worked up about him the last couple of days. He hasn't been calling as regularly. Tuesday I didn't hear from him once, but he was also at a funeral that day. Though I guess he said he was tempted to stop by my work on his way back to Santa Monica but he had a huge headache and just needed to get home. I didn't mind I had a long drawn out talk with Washington which I'll discuss in a moment. This morning he text me and asked if he could call me on my way into work. He had some drama at work he wanted to share and I guess get my advise and opinion.

Washington - He called me Tuesday night and asked if I had time to talk. Sure enough he went on for about 2 hours about the history, every detail, with the latest girl he was seeing. I had no idea he was such an overanalyzer. He went on and on and at a couple points I had to tell him to get to the point. He jumped all over the place. Story after story. He wanted my opinion as a girl and when I would share it he would interupt or try to explain my opinion away with another story. If I would say anything negative about this girl he would get overly defensive of her. My phone finally died after 2 1/2 hours. I will say this... The girl he's seeing is scared to death to get into a serious relationship. She's keeping him at arms length but is holding onto him for dear life.

Sadly the next day I found out only 30 minutes after our talk he found out his best friend from the service was killed in Iraq two days ago. :( Poor guy, so much going on. He called me on my work line yesterday morning and I haven't heard from him since. I'm really actually worried about him.

Well that's it for now.

Thoughts... btw Happy Birthday Computer Geek

Computer Geek - So it’s Computer Geeks birthday today. Happy Birthday Computer Geek! Actually it’s more like yesterday. He actually knows about this blog. I broke down and let him know the address… Just gave it right over to him. He says it’s because he’s my favorite… And well he’d be right. In all honesty I believe he read it that initial time, maybe a few posts and will probably never visit again. But this reminds me of something I did back in 6th grade. I had the hugest crush on “Hunk-of-babe”… Even then I had nicknames for my crushes. Either way, hunkofbabe came over to my house and went through my stuff and found my journal. Not that I hid it very well. The journals first page had descriptions of my little 6th grade feelings for him. And so rather then being all embarrassed by it, after a moment of blushing I went straight up to him and said something like… I like you. So what? I’m not afraid to admit it.

Computer Geek has known that I’ve been crushing on him. I believe I shared the phrase “ginormous crush”. He might not have known the degree of my crush. Or maybe he could have thought I was just teasing him. And to some extent I was. I have said it to him and on this blog: I truly adore him. He’s a total cutie in every sense of the word! Yet I know that’s it. I’m still completely intrigued by him. I still want to get to know him more. I will eventually learn all that his sick and twisted mind is into!

Colorado - I’ve been thinking a lot about the past relationships I’ve had. Sometimes I forget how serious things got with Colorado! We even talked about me moving out there. There were times I even wondered if he cared, but looking back I know he really did, at least as much as he could at the time. Yes, he is getting married at the end of this month. And our relationship ended a little over a year ago.

Ex - I spoke with my ex the day before last. He sent me a quick email which I replied with just an exclamation and he showed up online asking how I was doing. He’s counting down the days to his wedding so he seems happy. We somehow got on the subject of his fiancé and how she feels about me. And this is what he said “I think she's still all about the live and let live”… “now that we're getting married though, I think that'll ease up.” So as I sat there pondering what that meant he said he had to run off to catch his flight home. First of all my first instinct to the phrase “live and let live” is let bygones be bygones. How does this need to be eased up on? I asked a few people. Most didn’t think he understood what the phrase “live and let live” meant. Computer Geek said the problem wasn’t the phrase but that his fiancé was even having to think it, is the problem.

Again I overanalyzed it and came to this thought… I have a feeling she doesn’t like that he and I are still friends. Especially knowing how serious we were. In her mind I think she feels like ok why don’t you just go live your life and we’ll live ours. (this could be what he means by live and let live) He has shared that she is frustrated with our friendship and she doesn‘t understand why we stay in touch. In my mind though what friendship? We don’t talk on the phone. We barely chat. We’re more like acquaintances whom were intimate at one time. Lots of people have done that. I’m not saying I want to be her friend but as much as I feel love for my ex, it’s more love for what we were, not who we are now… I don’t want him back. I know he’s where he needs to be.

All that to say I’m still as confused as when he said it. I don’t know when I’ll talk to him again. It may or may not be before the wedding. One morning I was getting ready and it hit me that I’m not sad he’s getting married. I feel like I’ve truly let go.

Vegas - If you remember, he is the fuckably hot one. He’s anxious to meet up. He asked me when I was available to spend a couple days with him. So I told him about my business trip out there in September. He also knows I will have my own room. On top of which my supervisor is having us stay longer then the convention just so she doesn’t have to be inconvenienced. This all works out to my benefit of meeting up with him. Part of me wants to throw caution to the wind and just go for it. Another part remembers the disappointment of Fresno. I don’t want another one of those. It’s a few months away so we’ll see how I feel then.

Anyways, enough of my rant… It’s late and I am getting sleepy. I know there was more that I wanted to share but my eyes are crossing… A good sign it’s time for bed.

Well it's Christmas time again. I haven't posted here for a while. Of course everything has changed. I'm not exactly sure where to go with this post. There is a guy looking for this blog, at least he was at one point. I think he's given up. I kind of hope he has because I'm sure he will be discussed in this post.

But I feel its appropriate to discuss the most recent happenings with the ex in which this blog has centered around. I found out the day after Thanksgiving that he proposed to his girlfriend the Tuesday prior to Thanksgiving. He called me. As much as I wasn't surprised, I was surprised. I am happy for him. But there is a part of me that is left with sadness. I'm guessing it's because part of my heart that I gave him during our relationship is mourning the loss. As cliche as it sounds I am also analyzing the question of "what's wrong with me, why was she someone he could marry and I wasn't?" Well if I think about it, I know he and I were never meant to marry. I did love him. Even a few posts down I talked about how we even talked about marriage, but him being in a different state (literally) changed things.

I'm moody today. Feeling pretty down. Alone. A bit rejected. Not sure why. Yesterday I had to tell a guy I just started seeing that I was uncomfortable with the amount of affection he was giving me considering we aren't together. He is a bit too touchy feely for me. He was nice enough about it, but I could tell he was a bit discouraged and dissapointed. I enjoyed his attention. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just scared of getting too close.

I think I need to get outside... Go for a walk... Journal... I wish I wasn't at work and I could just plug in my iPod and get lost in the lyrics to the songs. I think I'm in the mood to be a bit of a martyr today.