VERY raw and uncut

So I need to clear my head...

I'm angry
I'm hurt
I'm thinking your a pompas ass!!!!

You always have to dig dig dig... Fucking punch me in the gut... do you realize that I never once called your choices stupid! Never once put down your ideas. In fact, I even said that you were right. Do you realize you NEVER do this for me. You never concede... And if you do, it's never done in a polite manner. It's always belittling. I'm tired of being called the non-logical one. I'm tired of you hurting me. I'm tired of feeling like a miniscule little piece of shit every time we discuss my feelings. I'm not wrong. These are my feelings. My choices. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING STUPID!!!!!!! You fucking asshole! Fucking bastard!

I'm tired of trying to figure out how this friendship can work. I know you say you try... But in actuality it's like you try to find a way to get in there and hurt me. why? Why push the issue? Why make me feel like a little dumb person that is evil for having my own opinion!!?!?!?! I never put yours down. I listened. I reasoned. Is this imaturity?!?!?!

This isn't about just this conversation. If you think it is, you're insane. This is what I feel like with MOST of our conversations. Why do you even talk to me if I'm so stupid? Why do you even want to be my friend? This is how your responses to me make me feel. How could you want me in your life? is it that I make it so easy for you to feel good about yourself? To make you feel like you're the man? Damn you!

Ya know... I have low enough self esteem already. I don't think you're very healthy for me. I think I need to realize that this is a destructive relationship for me. I need someone to make me feel special. To make me feel good about having my own opinion. Someone that will help me stand on my own and not fall to my knees. I can't fully blame you. Our personalities just don't work well together. Why are we trying ? Why am I trying? Because I care about you so much? I'm sure that's the reason. How did I come to have such strong feelings for someone that makes me feel so small and unimportant?

Why am I so scared to send this? Is it because I don't want to lose you? Because I know if I truly call you on your shitty behavior you will walk away... You've told me as much. But I can't deal with this anymore. I so desperately want you to call and say you're sorry and that you care about me. Is this what I've been waiting for? is it even possible? Is it even true?

I don't want to play games. Yet I want to make you sweat it out. But are you? Or are you moving onto the next thing to entertain you?

I'm still crying... This is not a good thing. I can't stop. Is it because I know I have to say goodbye forever? Is it because I truly care about you and yet don't feel the feelings are mutual?

I know you're going through a lot ... Is this why? Is that your way of not focusing on the fact that your work situation sucks so much? Is this your defense mechanism? Do I send this text? Do I just go to sleep? I want to talk to you. I want to share these feelings... I'm so afraid of your reaction. I'm so understanding that in comparison to this conversation you will be in shock at my volcano... But I've been pushed too far. I've made too many excuses for your behavior towards me. I deserve people in my life that will help me feel good about myself. I lament with you about your work situation. I lament about your family. You have lamented about one thing... my sister. To the point that I feel guilty you won't be her friend.

Part of me wants to apologize for adding to your already overwhelmed situation. And a part of me knows you will belittle me if I do... Something to the extent of "Oh I had forgotten you were even pissed" ......little fucker... I'm tired of you making me feel like a peon.

Sent... lets see how you react... Will you reply? will you tell me you just thought I went to bed and could care less? Will you even feel the least bit of guilt for talking down to me? Will you even say you're sorry?