When it rains it pours...

So when it rains it pours. All the same week the drummer hit on me. I must have had some aura go out into the universe to let guys know I was horny.

Junior - We were sitting in church a couple weeks ago. His girlfriend wasn't there because she was working. He sends me a text about the message and then it starts somewhere in the middle of the service...

Junior: Haha first im thinkin you sure are purty and I wnder if uve had any dreams lately and i'm thinking i just got convicted on tithing. :-(
Me: Haha :-D well now I'm blushing! And sadly no dreams like that ;-) not recently anyways....

Then after the service...

Junior: Do u want to cme to the bac room wit me? ;-)
Me: Be right there! Oh darn mike's back there!
Junior: Not any more.

It never worked out for me to get back there but when he walked by me he gave me a huge grin. Then as we were leaving he was hugging everyone goodbye and passed right by me. I made him give me a hug before he left then received another text shortly after he drove away.

Junior: I didn't kno if i could control myself if I hugged u lol!
Me: Haha what would you have done if I really showed up in the back room?! You are such a tease!
Junior: Hah idk it was kinda spure of the moment so whatever came to mind first ;-)
Me: Haha now that could have been fun! :-D
Junior: Definitely! We could have even locked the door! hehe
Me: Ooooh now you're definitely giving me material for some dreams lol!!! So naughty ;-) But do the dreams count if I'm still awake? ;-) lol
Junior: Lol ur a funny funny girl! I love it!
Me: Yeah I'm also a bad girl! ;-) I'm not holding back like I should... Sorry I can't help myself... Hehe you don't seem to mind, do you?
Junior: Haha its ok u can be a VERY bad girl! Lol does that answer ur question?
Me: Lol! If I had the guts i think you'd have been VERY surprised if I did show up in the back room lol!!!! But alas I have to be good... 0;-) Maybe if you're ever single again hehe
Junior: Hah it would have been a pleasant surprize hun!!! :-) and alright i might have to become single to see what happens... Ok so now that u have me al hot and wanting u... I miss u "clandestine"! :-) :-P
Me: haha!!! You are SOOO not helping me think pure thoughts here! Lol!!! And I miss you too "Junior"! ;-) I'm kinda wishin I did sneak back there with you! ;-) but I'm all talk... I'd never make the first move.
Junior: Hah "Clandestine" ur killin me! I'm wishin that too! Dont wry that wouldn't have been a problem with me ;-) but i'm the same dont worry!
Me: Haha! What wouldn't be a problem with you? Making the first move? Or that you're all talk too?
Junior: Making the first move of course! :-P im sorry let me kno if i'm making u uncomfortable.
Me: Haha with tongue even!? Lol!!! :-D And I'm only feeling guilty not uncomfortable!
Junior: O im sry.. Even with whatever feels good Hah im sry ill quit it.
Me: Haha please don't quit! ;-) Well ok if you need to stop i'll *try* to be good.
Junior: Haha i dont need to well until sh gets here. I want u "clandestine"! ;-)
Me: Haha! Dito "Junior"! DITO!!! And honestly its quite flattering! This might be a silly question but how many other girls do you flirt like this with?
Junior: None just u! How about u? Well guys i mean. Unless ur into girls and I dont mind that at all trust me! Jkin haha or not lol
Me: Haha! Well the only other guys is the drummer. A couple weeks ago he propositioned me! Quite the story! But nothing since. Did you know i have a thing for drummers? ;-)
Junior: hah i kinda noticed lol! I just got an awesome tan! :-)
Me: Haha!!! Is it that obvious? I figured its gotta be about their rhythm. ;-) I'm bad i know! A tan? Blushing or what?
Junior: Hahahaha ur funny! Yea my whiteness is going away. Lol except below the waist. lol
Me: Oh see that wasn't fair! Now I'm thinkin about your white parts lol!!!! And now I'm blushing! :-D all i have to say is no one better get a chance to read this
Junior: Haha hah! i love u "clandestine"! No one will see it i promise! u too!
Me: Yeah no one has access to my phone. ;-) This is our little secret! I'm feeling like I'm in the wrong not putting a stop to this... But not enough to actually stop! hehe You are definitely sexy "Junior"! I definitely want you too! And havin naughty thoughts involving the back room at the church!
Junior: Haha i love it im soo glad we have a naughty little secret lol. Could u imagine if we ever ended up back there together on accident hah what fun.
Me: haha yup i'm enjoying it too! beyond fun! Especially if you make the first move like you said... Though my imagination has put me in the dominating role! ;-) Sorry about the delay ... my friend called! She's coming over to hang out tonight. :-)
Junior: That's cool i don't mind "Girlfriend" is heading over anyways. Im sorry... So whatchu guys going to do. Haha I would like it if u dominated heck yes!
Me: Haha thanks for the warning... ;-) I'll be good till you let me know I can be bad again. ;-) hehe yeah just imagine me pushing you up against a wall to start! ;-) And she and I are going to watch a movie and catch up. I'm going to make her dinner too.
Junior: O man "clandestine" ur really mean! I like it! And ill let u kno dont worry! ;-)
Me: Haha! Sorry... ;-) but i wouldn't mind if that role was reversed. hehe have fun!
Junior: Hah well see maybe.. Just remember our code word if were ever alone!
Me: Superduper?! Or something else?
Junior: That one will work! Love ya "clandestine" i kinda want us to be alone sometime! ;-)
Me: Love ya too "Junior"! And we'll have to see if that opportunity arises! Hehe it will be interesting to see if we both have the guts if it does happen! :-) right now i know i would!
Junior: Me too definitely! Im kinda excited lol!
Me: Is it wrong to say I am too? :)

I didn't hear from him for a few days after this. We had a church function the Wednesday night after and when I hugged him goodbye he whispered in my ear that all he wanted to do was take me to the back room!

On the 4th of July we were texting and apparently my sister had agreed to go with his family to see the fireworks and he made a silly joke that he "heard we might make o i mean see fireworks tonight?" I couldn't help but smile at the cheesiness of it.

I, of course, couldn't keep my mouth shut one day when I was at the church dropping something off. I had to text him.
Me: I'm at the church all by me lonesome! Even in the back room ;-) too bad you weren't here! lol
Junior: Dang i was trying to get off work to come see u, but my boss said i had to stay :-(
Me: Awh man! :-( That would have been awesome!!! Thanks for trying! ;-) i saw a car the color of yours drive by as i was walking out and i stopped in my tracks hehe
Junior: Hah one of these days!
Me: haha its a must at this point! :-P
Junior: :-D Definitely!...

The Drummer - I had randomly text the drummer a few times after that Sunday. He never replied and I finally gave up on hearing back from him. Since that Sunday when he propositioned me the band hasn't practiced at the house! We got our second noise violation since living in this community and our landlady said she will get fined if she gets another one. So my brother said no more practices for a while, if ever. :( I've missed seeing him every weekend.

I finally saw him at the last gig which was Saturday and he was sweet as usual. He apparently has been going through a rough time and he realized something was wrong when his biggest drinking buddies came to him and said they were worried about him. He had been sober a week and a half as of that Saturday. I could tell he felt good about this and I was really proud of him and beyond happy because I too had become worried about his drinking.

I had met his really good friend a few months back at my house. Well he was at this show and immediately we started talking. Honestly I got the impression he's heard a lot about me. Whether through the Drummer or the bassist. We ended up going on a beer run for the show, the show was in a courtyard. He must have heard my brother can't stand his friends hitting on his sisters because he made sure to tell him that he and I were going for a beer run and were going to have some car sex after that! Once we got in the car he heard a song I was playing which was a goth club song and it was a little naughty, so he said he was joking to my brother but now he wasn't too sure. lol He was quite funny and hit on me quite a bit. In my mind I was thinking, if the Drummer's friends like me, this is only good for me. Silly, I know.

The interesting thing to me is, I can see myself really falling for The Drummer. Like relationship kind of falling for him. He didn't flirt like crazy with me but he was very aware of my presence throughout the night. When I left he gave me a really big hug. He knew I had driven all day then went to their show so he was really tender and adamant about telling me to get home safely and get some sleep. I finally felt confident enough to ask him about the text messages and he said he never got them because his phone has been off half the time. I believed him but was hesitant to and he could tell because he smiled, winked and brought me in for another hug. I literally had to stop myself from saying something stupid like "love you" when we ended our embrace. Then he said they'd be recording this week at the house. It was like he wanted me to know he'd see me soon. Though sadly it hasn't happened yet and it's Thursday. I will see him Saturday during a shoot for his other band.

I realized the next day that I like him... A LOT! Like my crush on Computer Geek. There was a time I knew I couldn't have him but I wanted him more then I let him know. I mean sure he knew I wanted him, that wasn't a secret. The Drummer knows I want him too. But the idea of moving forward with something more serious with Computer Geek was definitely there. I feel that way about The Drummer. My crush has gone beyond my typical crush. Though I'm not naive enough to think The Drummer thinks of me like that, or even thinks of me at all. (Sigh)

Burbank - He called me when I was driving back down to Southern California, I had spent the weekend in Northern Califorina last weekend. My sister was driving and listening to her music so I decided to hold off on calling him until I was home. I ended up calling him Tuesday morning but didn't have a lot of time to talk. He saw me online last night and asked if I wanted to chat on the phone so we did. It was a GREAT conversation! I was laughing most of the time. I believe we started to talk before 11pm and finally I had to tell him I needed to get some sleep at 3am! It was so much fun. We were both enjoying the conversation.

He said after our conversation Tuesday he thought about my need to move somewhere since my brother is moving to Texas, and that we should get a place together since he's considering moving back to California. I, of course, thought of us having sex that one night and apparently he was on the same wavelength. He told me that after he started thinking about the idea of us living together then he realized we could get into trouble, but it might be fun trouble. He also knew my parents would never be cool with him and I living together, which of course is true. It was interesting to know he thought about us having sex again. He suddenly asked when I was coming up for a visit! I laughed and told him if the finances were there I'd definitely make the trip up there.

Through the course of the conversation I was surprised to find out he hasn't had sex since we did. I mean, for me I'm not surprised I haven't had sex with anyone since. But to find out he hasn't was slightly surprising. He's had girls come to visit him and I thought for sure they had since they would go camping or spend the weekend at his place.

I am curious if we'll ever have sex again. I know it was good and I really enjoyed it. But part of me knew it was just a one time thing. Though the idea of being friends with benefits with him doesn't sound half bad. I know I wouldn't want a relationship with him. But then I'm afraid if we continue to have sex it's bound to turn into more or my emotions would get too involved. I think he likes the idea of sleeping with me again because he 1) knows I'm open to doing anything sexual and 2) he was really surprised I handled our one night stand so well. He's a thinker for a guy. I have a feeling after our fun conversation last night he might be analyzing whether or not we could make a relationship work. hehe Silly that I know this about him but it's true. But I'm going to keep my distance... for now anyways. ;)

The Actor - He's pretty much told me when he comes out to California he wants to hook up. He also wants me to take pics for him which is originally how we started talking. We totally flirt and I had a dream about us trying to hook up but kept getting interrupted by people. Which I told him about and he thought it was great that I dreamt about him like that and said we'll make sure people aren't interrupting us when we do meet up. It's funny because that dream has a lot to do with that night the band spent the night. I was chatting (moving towards sex chat) with The Actor online when they arrived and The Drummer trumps anyone right now for my attention so I jumped offline to make sure to get my time with The Drummer. The dream happened weeks after that but still oddly symbolic of that night.

Vegas - Vegas and I haven't talked much recently. But suddenly he became obviously interested in meeting again and he made sure that the next time we see each other we're for sure having sex. Sometimes I regret not having sex with him when I went out to Vegas for that business trip last year. He's hot, no question.

When we were chatting that weekend we got into cyber sex. He took pics and sent them. I was going to do the same, I did take the pictures but never sent them. I know he's a male slut, and I'm sure he's slept with LOTS of women but I can't help feeling tempted to go for it.

Washington - Well he moved to Utah for a girl and for the last couple of months it's been miserable talking to him. He was always complaining and obsessed. I avoided talking to him at all. Then finally he made the decision to get away from her. Wow... oddly around the same week as all these other guys. Sheesh... So he talked about how he's put a lot of thought into our relationship and the possibility of it turning into more. He even said he was considering stopping through California to hook up with me and maybe move here. I told him it might be fun to play around but that I would never consider a relationship with him until he's worked through his feelings for this girl he was just in a relationship with.

I spoke to him yesterday and he seems to be suicidal. He's moved back to Washington and has no job and he's not able to stay with anyone permanently. I mean I know he's in a tough situation and I feel bad but I wasn't sure how to deal with a suicidal person. I tried to encourage him but he argued that there was no use in trying because his entire life he's had the wrong end of the stick. We talked so long my phone died and when it was charged I saw I had a message from him. Very sweet and nice about me being a good friend. But I'm still not sure I'm ready to talk to him any time soon. I will do my best to keep in touch and make sure he knows I'm praying for him but I'm so glad I never got too involved.

Seattle - I'm calling him Seattle because I already have Washington. Seattle is a friend from elementary school who got back in touch with me through Facebook. I only mention him because he's EVERYTHING I'm looking for in a guy... BUT... he's only a friend, and lives in freakin Seattle! We've been emailing novels back and forth since we got in touch. He's great. First, he loves reading my novels and loves writing back long emails especially for a guy. He's a musician, plays guitar. He's a CHRISTIAN! And I mean hard core too! He's single, never been married, doesn't have any kids. He loves the beach. He is close with his family. He's successful. He's great with his money. (Sigh) In all honesty, I've told him that he's given me hope that there are good Godly men out there and not to settle. I just wish they were in California and interested in me! Ugh...

Anyways, I think this is enough of an update. Oh, one last person....

Fresno - I went up to Northern California and met up with my friend Northern Cali, but also let Fresno know I'd be passing through. He was really excited about meeting up but it never worked out. His cousin had an emergency and they were all at the hospital dealing with that so he said he'd be driving down to Southern California soon and wants to meet up. It should be interesting if that actually happens. hehe

Ok so that's it...

Texting (old post never uploaded till 6/14)

Texting The Drummer
Me: So damn! I seem to forget how freakin hot you are! It was nice seeing you this weekend cutie. ;) I hope you're smilin. :) Have a great week!
Drummer: U know i'm smiling. I never forget how cute u r. ;)
Me: awh thanks but now I have to explain my forgetfulness! I never forget you're hot just *how hot* you are! :) haha
Drummer: Blushing!!!!

Texting Computer Geek
I don't have my side of the conversation verbatim but I'll paraphrase what I remember.
Me: So I have to admit it was really great to see you!
Computer Geek: Nice seeing you too. When we hug its all boob... like im not really hugging you... just your boob lol
Me: What!? It wasn't that bad was it?! I guess that last hug was a bit awkward.
Computer Geek: Not bad.... it was similar to a lap dance lol
Me: Wait... now the true question is, did it have the same effect as a lap dance? ;)
Computer Geek: LOL i'll never tell

Random texts from Junior
And you are sexy.,., i'm sorry it slipped i mean extremely beautiful! Sweetdreams! :-D
Hey do u need me to stay and keep u company while your brother's gone????? Huh? lol
I miss you! :(
Awww thanks goodlookin

So many changes, so many possibilities!

No longer working with Computer Geek means I don't get to flirt daily with him. I miss him. He's still a doll. Shortly after I was laid off I stopped by the office and was thrilled to get to spend a couple hours talking! It's never happened that we could talk that long in one sitting. I finally met his girlfriend. I still chat with him. It's just not the same... I really miss him.

It's daylights savings time so it's actually midnight rather then 11pm. I should go to bed but I have too much on the brain to sleep. I spent the afternoon with Geek Photographer. It was fun. We went shopping for furniture to his new place. He taught me a move with tango.

I got back and saw The Drummer for the first time since I gave up my crush. Yes, the crush already died.

The story - The thing is, I actually had a serious thing for this guy in such a short amount of time. The weekend of the 21st it all came to a head. Friday he didn't end up making it to dinner because he had to have dinner with his grandparents and to be honest I felt that was an excuse which I found out the next day was not the case. Saturday he was adorably sweet. I went to a local dive bar to a show for a friends band and he was there. We didn't talk much but when it came time to leave I gave him a hug goodbye and he said he'd walk me out. My brother came over to say goodbye and questioned why he was following us. The Drummer told him he was walking me out. My brother seemed a little peeved but was like whatever. As The Drummer walked behind me he grabbed my waist, squeezed and held my waist until we reached outside where my brother was talking to his friend. Sunday he acted like I didn't exist. The band had a show and for some reason I became ultra insecure about the whole thing. He didn't treat me horrible but there was a definite difference in how he responded to me. I sometimes wonder if my brother didn't say something. And ever since then I basically decided it was time to let go of the crush...

So seeing The Drummer tonight, I wasn't sure how I'd feel, especially because in the last two weeks I realized how seriously I had fallen for him. Which is still quite surprising to me. Not the crush part, but the fact that it was such a BIG crush. I noticed I stopped eating and sleeping very well. I thought it was stress from being laid off but when I gave up the crush, sleep and my appetite came back. Crazy huh?

Tonight The Drummer was cute and adorable as ever. I know as with all my other crushes it will fluctuate based on how he treats me. But I'm not ever going to allow myself to get so wrapped up in him ever again. He never mentioned the fact that his missed every Friday night dinner since the original one, when he said he would never miss another one. But I do find it interesting that he seems to share things with me that try to convince me he's a good guy. My brother talked about watching a show of girls in bikinis traveling and sitting around talking about it. The Drummer was like, that sounds extremely dull to me. Or he always mentions when I get something that most other people don't get. But alas, he is never going to be. In the meantime though, I'll enjoy looking at him. haha

I got a call from Geek Photographer while writing the above. It's now 12:30 am according to daylight savings time. I'm getting tired. Anyways, Geek Photographer and I are going to put together a photography group that will meet about once-a-month to go take pictures. It should be cool if it actually happens. He's admitted and I've seen that he starts a lot of projects and never finishes them.

There is someone I've been texting a lot. I'm not sure what nickname to give him. He worked with me at the first ISP job I had. He and I worked together in the web development side. He was the programmer and I was the graphic artist. It was the most fun I had with web design because I got to make it look pretty and tell him what I wanted it to do and he would make it do it. I never found him very attractive and got married during this time. He's since divorced and has lost some weight. But I saw a recent picture and he looked good. He's been texting me about my recent job possibility (which I will go into soon). He invited me to the movies tonight. I didn't go because it was to go see the Watchmen and my brother really REALLY wanted to see that. So we're all going tomorrow. But I know there is something curious about him. Wondering. He's sweet. Though if memory serves me correctly he isn't the most normal person and there were lots of things that got on my nerves when we worked together. Hmmm? I'm not sure if I am going to give him a nickname because I'm not sure he'll ever be mentioned again.

So moving on to the title of this blog post. So many changes and so many possibilities! I was laid off February 13th and the company went out of business shortly after. I have been applying for jobs. Older Guy gave me an email address to an owner of a company that does similar processing that I did at my last job. I sent my resume Wednesday February 25th not thinking anything would come of it. The next day I got a call from a lady who was forwarded my resume by the owner and said I was definitely qualified for what they were looking for but she was concerned about the commute. They are located in Pasadena. An hour and a half commute without any traffic, with traffic could add an hour to that. I told her I was willing to make the commute. She said she would have to think about it and get back to me. I realized this was a job I'd really like.

So Friday as I was cleaning the house, an idea came to me. A client I used to work with at my last job switched services to this company I applied for. I knew this client loved me so I emailed him asking him to write me a letter of Recommendation to this new company which he did within moments and I forwarded that off to the owner.

It took a few days to hear anything back. I got a voicemail Wednesday March 4th by the lady asking if I was willing to come in and talk about a position they wanted to offer me. I called her back but she left for the day so I called back the next day at around the same time as the call and we set up an interview time. The issue she had was that if they offered me the position they would want me to move to Pasadena. I told her I was willing to relocate and had already addressed the possibility with my brother who was my current roomate.

I went down Friday March 6th and was scared to death. The idea of working for a company that would require relocation and living in one of my favorite cities in So Cal was a lot to think about, lets face it, hope about. I kept praying and trying to relax. It wasn't until I picked up "Battlefield of the Mind" and read the start of Chapter 15 that my heart started to calm down and realize that if this was God's will it would all happen no matter what. They would offer me enough to make the move and I would feel comfortable about making the move. The interview blew me away. The owner said he was very very impressed. He said its a rarity to talk to someone who had that much knowledge in their line of work. That it was like my entire work history was perfectly lined up with the new position they wanted me for. The timing was also something he couldn't believe. He said they had JUST gotten to the point they were ready to departmentalize what I do. They would not consider me a entry level position. Basically I knew they were happy with me. They said they would need me to take a simple test. But the offer was never laid out on the table. It was discussed that my concern about the cost of living was an issue and they said they knew the cost has even gone up in the last couple of years even. So at this point I haven't gotten the test sent to my email.

I'm blown away at how easy the interview went. It was very casual as far as I was concerned and I kept wondering what I said that made him aware of my knowledge. I'm guessing it's just the language of what we do, and I know it well enough to think it's standard knowledge. Even if they offer me less then I know I'll need to surive on, the fact the interview went so well is a boost to my ego. So now it's down to numbers. We'll see what they send over.

But... I can't help but fantasize about my life in Pasadena. I love that city! And the idea that this job would not be entry level, but it's focused in my field makes me feel that I've finally gotten my carreer off the ground! I'm no longer just meandering through jobs as they come to me. I have my niche and it's definitely specialized. I could really be blessed enough to work and live there! How awesome is that!? It's hard not to get my hopes up. I also know though, that if they offer less then what I have set in my mind, it's over... It's back to the drawing board. I won't uproot and move unless they make it worth my while.

Well now its officially 1am... I need to get to sleep. Hopefully I will hear back from them soon!

What a week

It's been an emotional week. Though I didn't realize it until I was driving home after work and all the emotions came flooding out of me. The tears came out without much warning. I drove crying uncontrollably. I just let it all come out.

At first I thought it had to do with Computer Geek. I was hurt by something that I found out today that he didn't tell me himself. It bothered me I had to ask. In the end I realized my problem was with how little I know him, and I've always valued his friendship. Not saying he doesn't value mine. He's a very private person. It's just the way I show the value of a friendship is how much I open up to a person. Yes I'm a pretty open individual but there are things I only share with him. I've long given up any hope of any romantic attachments with Computer Geek and myself, though I still find myself physically/sexually drawn to him.

Anyways, as I cried driving home it really hit me how much emotions I've stuffed deep inside about all of these other issues and the little issue with Computer Geek was just the tip of the iceberg, the straw that broke the camels back so to speak. (Sigh)

Everything about this week has challenged my ability NOT to care what other people think about me. Sadly I wasn't winning the battle as well as I thought.

Last Saturday my childhood crush located me on Facebook. Ironically I've mentioned him here once when describing how even back in the day I made up nicknames for the guys I like. His was HunkofBabe. Click Here to see that post. Either way he's happily married with two kids now, but something I wrote in one of my replies to him made me nervous that I made a fool of myself. He still hasn't responded, feeding into my fears that he now won't ever talk to me again. The first couple of days I couldn't let it go. When I finally did, it came with the pain that if I did say something silly and he decided never to write me again... OH FUCKING WELL!

The situation with HunkofBabe reminded me of my childhood in Alaska. My parents always told me that my class was the meanest group of kids they ever met. I don't really remember but as the email situation happened with HunkofBabe it brought me back to all the emotions and insecurities I felt as a child. Wanting their approval. I thought a lot about that. How things have changed quite a bit. How my current friends are nothing like what I would think they would consider "acceptable" and I'm thinking... Do I really want people like that back in my life?

I also finally had to have a talk with Junior. I just asked him if his girlfriend flirted with anyone as much as he flirts with me would he be ok with it? He said ignorance is bliss and then asked if this meant he would have to stop hitting on me now! Silly kid. Either way, again I was pushed with the decision of being ok whether or not he liked what I had to say. It was something that needed to be said. Luckily we're all good now but he seemed pretty bummed with me for the next couple of days.

Then I had to stop by The Ex's parents place last night to drop off some stuff. His mom finally had the courage to ask me if I was dating anyone. Though she waited till she walked me to my car, my ex's dad respects that fact that we split on friendly terms. It was such an odd subject to talk about with the woman that felt you were "The One" for her son. But I basically just told her I was tired of the dating scene and I was taking a step back from it. It's odd that I have such a continued relationship with my ex's family. I still hang out with most of them. But I will say I felt odd talking to her about it. The Ex is married now and has since moved to another state. The conversation left me feeling a bit sad. Not about wishing I was with him, I know he's MUCH better off, just sad and confused at why I haven't been able to find a decent guy.

I've spent a lot of this week trying to just come to grips with the fact that some people may just not like me. It's so hard for me as a people pleaser to come to grips with that. It's been a rough week and once I cried it all out I felt much better, relieved knowing that there were a lot of reasons behind it. I even sent Computer Geek a text letting him know I was sorry if I acted butthurt and ya know, he was really cool about it.

It's late and I should be in bed but I just needed to get all this off my chest.

Um... I'm a dork

I can't stop thinking about him. What the hell is wrong with me? He asked me to join him on his smoke break. Came over to my side of the office for some left over candy then held the door downstairs open so I could come through. I was surprised at the friendly gesture. He made a comment about my shoes being scuffed and how I needed to shine mine and his while I was at it. I explained it was because when I was shooting the wedding I was on my knees and he jokingly said if he had known it would be that kind of wedding he would have gone. lol God, does he know what he does to me?! No clue, I'm sure of it.

(Sigh)

Silliness I tell ya

I think I need to take a nap

Whistle while you work

(BIG SIGH) A moment to breath! Work has been crazy the last week and a half. My immediate supervisor is in jail, yes you read that correctly. Unfortunately I'm not sure why and he had a court date today but nothing has been updated. There are only 2 people at my office that are aware that I know and my Operations Manager is NOT one of them. I guess you could say the Operations Manager has placed me in temporary lead. I sometimes wonder if she's grooming me to take over my supervisors role. It sure seems like it. I have no clue if they plan on keeping my supervisor or not. It could honestly go either way. I find it odd that the whole thing is hush hush. I sometimes feel that the Operations Manager intends to keep him and doesn't want his name drug through the dirt. She normally has an unusually large mouth when it comes to personal issues so this is the only reason I can come up with behind her silence.

So I'm at home now. My best friends husband is helping my brother change the breaks on his truck and plans on doing my car next. I just ran through the flash cards I memorized last weekend and am glad to say there were only 3 just shy of 100 cards that I struggled with. And the ones I didn't get were the longer description ones where I can't get the verbiage down just right. Anyways, my test is in 2 weeks. I'm scared to death. I'm anxious. But I'm getting to that point of feeling like I've come this far, I know I can do this. Computer Geek says "Failure is not an option". :) Of course it isn't.

Anyways, shortly after my supervisor went on “leave” the Operations Manager pulled my department in a meeting the day before she left for two weeks of conferences and I was basically put in charge of the things she or my immediate supervisor used to do. I know its temporary but it was pretty cool to have that responsibility given to me. But it meant I had to do that on top of my other daily tasks. It took me a bit to get used to trying to organize my day to get everything done but in the end I'm happy with how it all worked out. I will be curious as to what the Operations Manager thinks of it all. I'm excited about my job and where this test can take me. Once I pass The Operations Manager said she had some changes to my job that she thinks I'll enjoy.

I've been marveling on the stark contrast of how I used to feel about my job and my Operations Manager and the enjoyment I get out of work these days. My Operations Manager can still a bit hard to handle but whatever issue she had with me seems to have faded into oblivion and she seems to think more highly of me and what I can offer the company. Anyone who tells me they hate their job because of a particular coworker I tell them to have faith... Things can change!

So it's ironic that since I've made the decision to back off of the men in my life, my female friends have become more involved in my every day stuff. I got a call from an old friend who moved up to Oregon. It was so awesome to talk to her. And she asked about the boys in my life and I really didn't have a lot to say. She was there when the Ex and I broke up and she hadn't heard he got married and that we still talk and that he even was stupid enough to send me his honeymoon pictures! Anyways, it was great catching up with her. And that same night I got a call from my Ex's cousin whom became my friend at college and I spilled my guts about this guy I was interested and sure enough found out because of a wedding announcement on my Ex's desk that I recognized that it was his cousin. Odd... Anyways, sadly she is separated from her husband. Amazing how quickly marriages crumble these days. And another girl that used to date Junior has been calling a lot more often these days. Just wanting to touch base and see how everyone is doing.

Geek Photographer is all but out of my life. We haven't chatted nearly as much. I keep my distance. The phone calls have stopped. I sometimes think it's best to keep him completely out of my life. I chatted with him yesterday for the first time in a few days and sure enough within moments we got into a little tiff. I couldn't believe it.

Burbank - Well he's no longer living in Burbank so I probably need to rename him to Montana... :) But I guess keeping his nickname would work too. Anyways, Burbank came up exactly a week ago to hang out one last time. We were good this time. No hanky panky. Hehe Though he debated on spending the night because it's such a long drive home. When I hugged him goodbye I will say I had some emotions because I really will miss him! Sure, when I'm out visiting my grandparents I'll make sure to see him. But it was hard enough for us to hang out when he lived in Burbank! Maybe that was the problem. We kind of took advantage the fact that we were close enough but just far enough away to make it a bit too inconvenient to hang out consistently. I will say we got together more in the last year since I knew he was thinking about moving.

He even made that effort to stop by and meet the parents! Which I still can't quite figure out. hehe My dad thought he was great. They had a lot in common with their love of flight simulator games. My mom liked him too. What's not to like really? He's a good guy. My dad said that he seemed like a hurting soul though. And that's a pretty good assessment since he's leaving California to try to get out of his funk.

So there's another new guy friend. I don't think I've ever mentioned him. I want to label him the Music Man. He's a friend of the Ex. He and I met on myspace. He went to a DM concert and got to meet the band and I pretty much told a perfect stranger that I hated him and that’s the beginning of our friendship! He invited me to a show in Pomona in June for a band I had never heard of before that time, OURS. (Side Note: If you read my post prior you know this is the band that I'm obsessing over now.) His friend ditched him last minute and he asked me to go for free and I figured why not? I'm always up for new music. I went, we met in person for the first time, he's way cool and laid back and the show was an absolute blast!

A few weeks later he mentioned that there was an acoustic show at the end of September with the lead singer of OURS (Jimmy Gnecco) and asked if I wanted him to get me a ticket. Which I said “of course” to.

Then maybe a week after our birthday (we share the exact birthday), he asked if I wanted to go to another concert for free at the Hollywood Bowl with Nick Cave, Spiritualized and Cat Powers. This show was just two weeks before the acoustic show we already planned on going to. Sure enough this show rocked! We had incredible seats! Seriously 2nd row center! I was feeling slightly guilty as I saw the many fans envious of our spot when I had never even heard of the bands playing. But it was great to experience the show from that spot. And I even have a couple new bands I like! Nick Cave is interesting, but I definitely liked Spiritualized. Turns out Computer Geek is a fan and made me a cd of the albums he has of theirs… And he added a few others that he thought I’d like, (how freakin sweet is that?!).

So then our show at the end of September happened. I was blown away by the intimacy of the show. It was in the tiny "On the Rox" in Hollywood and we were front row again. I think I fell in love with the Jimmy Gnecco right then. I have obsessed for the last few weeks. He's an amazing singer.

So this week I happened to notice another OURS show at The Roxy in Hollywood in the beginning of December and have asked Music Man to come with me. :) I feel like he's the only one that would appreciate it with me.

Music man is a really cool guy. I don't get the relationship vibe from him. He just seems like a genuine person that I enjoy hanging out with. He seems to like that I appreciate music. I may not play any instruments or understand how they do it, but I sure as hell enjoy the music. He says that most of his other friends don't understand his tastes and pretty much I've established I do. It'll be interesting to see how this friendship proceeds.

So Computer Geek is still my fav... The last couple of days at work I've been so insanely busy I haven't had a chance to keep pestering him all day so we haven't chatted much. He's such a sweetie. I somehow felt truly special he made me that cd. There are just so many things throughout the day that make me smile about him and just who he is. I still haven’t convinced him to open up more about some of the stuff he’s into but I’ll keep working on him. He shares little by little and honestly that’s cool with me. He probably knows I couldn’t handle it all at once! Well it’s late and I have an early morning.

Tired

I'm not sure how I feel right now. I know I'm feeling a little hesitant to blog anymore. I am not sure whats up with that. I usually love sharing my thoughts with the world. I have come to realize that I don't like blogging on my public blog because so many people read it and right now I have so much going on in my head that I don't feel like sharing when certain people can read it. Even this secret blog has 1 possible reader who knows me. I feel more safe having him know about the true me but still I wonder am I truly being myself knowing he may be reading? I've decided that I probably will no longer blog on my personal site. Maybe I should go back and some how explain what I think brought this about.

I'm currenly listening to a live album of a concert I went to last Monday. I'm seriously swooning over the lead singer. I had such an amazing night I think I keep relistening to it because its one of the main things bringing a genuine smile on my face. I know my last post was pretty intense. And honestly I would have to say that has a lot to do with the emotions I've been dealing with this week. I'm still friends with the person that was written about. But I've pulled back completely. I can't say he hasn't either but I think we've both realized it's just a dysfunctional relationship.

I have become insecure. I had taken a lot of strides in realizing that I'm a beautiful person even though I may be heavyset. But sadly I question and doubt everything now. If someone mentions one thing about my personality I cringe like it's a negative thing. I went through a lot of depression last week. Wednesday was a pretty bad night. I have yet to have a good cry though. I thought I needed one Wednesday but when I tried I was completely numb.

And as I mentioned earlier I have a seriously swooning issue with the lead singer to OURS. I've been thinking a lot about all the boys in my life and somehow I feel that maybe I should stick with liking this lead singer. Why? Because there is less chance of getting hurt. He's unattainable. I can dream, wish and hope all I want and have to live with the occasional live show. I realize I'm a bit boy crazy. And I sometimes wonder if that part of my personality will ever change. There has always been someone. If not a tangible person, then it's been someone I could never get. I am a flirt. Can this part of my personality be toned down? I know I can change if I really want to. I'm just not sure if I want to yet. I sometimes think it would be easier. I end up really liking certain guys and then find out I'm misreading their actions. Or being casual with them until my feelings turn more serious and then I tend to get hurt.

It's odd. I'm even thinking about revamping my entire website. Not that I want to have a whole new layout, but I want a lot less on the site. Or I want to turn it into a photography only site. I don't like my current web album and I haven't been able to figure out an easy way of cleaning it up other then throwing it all out and starting over. Why is this included in my reflections? Because it shows I feel a need for some serious change. I'm pulling my life off of display.

I'm tired of feeling used. My best friend keeps wondering how I get involved with these guys that take advantage of me. They seem to capitalize on the fact that I like them and get what they want and don't offer much in return. I tend to notice they can be jerks but there is also another part of the friendships/relationships that is fulfilling. I've always said my brother likes 12 year old toothpicks with a little bitch to them. Of course they aren't actually 12 years old, but they are young! So now I'm wondering if I'm similar in my tastes. I like young toothpicks with a bit of jerk to them. Most of my life I've always crushed on younger guys. There is no question I like em skinny! And if we stick with the trend. they all can be serious assholes! My brother likes his girls to be a bit independent and successful. I could say the same about the guys I like. I mean Computer Geek and I have even talked about it, I'm an IT groupie. I like guys with brains and a bit of geek to them. That's one thing my brother doesn't have. He likes girls with expensive tastes and high class. That's not the case with the men I like. Sure they are successful but they don't have to be in designer clothes.

Sometimes I think if I were more introverted it would be a good thing. It's a struggle. Computer Geek and I were talking about relationships and he told me that he doesn't get attached with the women he dates. I sadly am almost the complete opposite. I get wrapped up in that person. But we established that there are pros and cons for both. And right now I'm hurt. So I wish I would have been less attached, more reserved. (Sigh) Not sure where all this reflection is going to take me. It may just be a protective thing.

Anyways, I'm definitely zoning. I need to go to sleep.

The Men - young and old

Vegas - After I refrained from having sex with him when I was in Vegas for a business trip I thought he'd stop texting but to my surprise he's kept it up. Though I really found it difficult to stop myself from having sex. If I hadn't made a promise to myself that I didn't want to add another person to my list I would have easily let him come up to my room. But if I can't be honest here where can I be honest? I did it for Geek Photographer. He knew I was going to meet someone in Vegas and possibly have sex. He seemed concerned about it. He kept making me promise to tell him if I did end up doing something with Vegas. And because of my feelings for him, not wanting to let him down, I refrained from having sex, even though damn.... I wanted to. Vegas is fucking hot! It didn't stop me from having great makeout sessions.

I was surprised at how natural it all happened. I found myself walking hand-in-hand with him. He was a complete gentleman well other then pushing me to have sex when I kept saying no. He knew deep down I was struggling with my decision. But I stuck to my guns and in the end he respected it.

Colorado - Did I mention that the moment he got married he fell off the face of the earth? Not on chat, website password secured, cell number no longer a working number, *poof*... gone!

Ex - Has surprisingly kept in contact since being married. Not so much on chat but in emails. In fact making an awkward attempt at being friendly by sending me links to his honeymoon and wedding! I struggled with the "wtf" thoughts... Seriously, who sends an ex-girlfriend pictures of your honeymoon? hehe Freak... But he's a nice guy. My friends ask why I don't just tell him to go away. Part of me wonders if I should. He made a promise, part of me thinks I should just thank him for sticking to it, but it really doesn't matter anymore. I don't mind an update every 6 months, but you don't have to work at keeping the friendship alive. What friendship really? It's more like an awkward aquaintence now.

Burbank - Has pushed off his move a few weeks. It's now scheduled for the 29th. He's made it a priority to meet my parents before he leaves the state. Odd, I know. Still can't quite figure that one out.

Junior - Yup, a new character in my listings of men. I've been trying to figure out a good name for him. He's 11 years my junior so I figured why not just call him that. I've mentioned him before, asking if it was wrong that I was shamelessly flirting with him. The thing is, I think this young guy is a total hottie. I think last night I found out for the first time the feelings are mutual. We've made a pact that the next time we're both single he's taking me out on a date. He currently has a girlfriend.

I first mentioned him at the bottom of my "Getting Stuff off my chest" blog if you want a little history.

In not such a wise move I admitted that I woke up one morning to a naughty dream about him. I had only shared that it made me blush. He got a kick out of it the day I told him but never mentioned it again. But sure enough he mentioned it last night. He wanted to know what I dreamt about. Going back and forth he told me I was sexy, extremely beautiful and that he was looking forward to taking me out... Damn!

Even in the midst of others he has said some things that make others question him about his actions because he has a girlfriend. He found out I missed a call from Older Guy and someone commented that his reaction showed jealousy.

Older Guy - He keeps promising to take me out for my birthday but our schedules just haven't meshed. He's such a dreamer. He has some awesome business ideas. But I'm just not sure how it's going to work.

Computer Geek - Still as adorable as ever. Though I'm surprised he sent his girlfriend back home. I know that with his girlfriend around I kept myself a little guarded not to go too far with the flirting even though I knew he didn't seem to care one way or the other.

Geek Photographer - Oddly I haven't been as worked up about him the last couple of days. He hasn't been calling as regularly. Tuesday I didn't hear from him once, but he was also at a funeral that day. Though I guess he said he was tempted to stop by my work on his way back to Santa Monica but he had a huge headache and just needed to get home. I didn't mind I had a long drawn out talk with Washington which I'll discuss in a moment. This morning he text me and asked if he could call me on my way into work. He had some drama at work he wanted to share and I guess get my advise and opinion.

Washington - He called me Tuesday night and asked if I had time to talk. Sure enough he went on for about 2 hours about the history, every detail, with the latest girl he was seeing. I had no idea he was such an overanalyzer. He went on and on and at a couple points I had to tell him to get to the point. He jumped all over the place. Story after story. He wanted my opinion as a girl and when I would share it he would interupt or try to explain my opinion away with another story. If I would say anything negative about this girl he would get overly defensive of her. My phone finally died after 2 1/2 hours. I will say this... The girl he's seeing is scared to death to get into a serious relationship. She's keeping him at arms length but is holding onto him for dear life.

Sadly the next day I found out only 30 minutes after our talk he found out his best friend from the service was killed in Iraq two days ago. :( Poor guy, so much going on. He called me on my work line yesterday morning and I haven't heard from him since. I'm really actually worried about him.

Well that's it for now.

Written 7/27/08 - Old post about Geek Photographer

Ok so most of this was written Sunday night...

I don't have a lot of time. I really should be in bed. But as most days... I tend to contemplate more at night.

Geek Photographer - Hmmm... I'm wondering whats going on in his head. We've become good friends. I enjoy our conversations. He seems to be calling more. Every weekend he comes up to visit his mom and always had an excuse not to get together. I finally stopped trying to make an effort. Finally last week it hit me that maybe it was because of a fear that spending time together would lead to something more. So I decided this was the case and started teasing him about being a scaredy cat and he was just afraid I'd "maninize" him. This is his word to desribe me since I tend to flirt with a lot of guys.

So I owe him cookies, for what? I can't remember. Earlier in the week I told him I could bake them this weekend and drop them off or we could meet in a public place so his mom won't give him a hard time about me. (She wants him to date me because I'm a Christian and she wants him to date a Christian rather then be with his Buddhist girlfriend.) He never gave me an answer so Friday I sent him a text asking him if I was baking his cookies, he said "no." So imagine my surprise when he called when my sister was finishing up my hair, asking if I wanted to hang out for a few hours. I felt like shit. I started my period and my stomach was all jacked up. I looked like crap because I stayed up WAY too late the night before. But I agreed to meet up with him. I exaggerated the length of time it would take so I could buy time to go freshen up.

I get home and am aware I want to look my best. I thought this was going to be a difficult task feeling and looking as horrible as I did. But I seemed to pull it off somehow. I knew I was over-dressed for a last minute call on a Saturday but I figured how would he know I went out of my way for him unless I told him?

He needed some sandals so we met at a shoe store near my house. As soon as I saw him I realized that there was definitely an attraction to him. One that had grown since the last time I had seen him in person. So I walk up to him and give him a hug and I could tell we both were feeling a bit awkward. But it didn't last long. I was pleasantly surprised that he seemed eager for my opinion of his choices. We had a couple "moments" as I would call them. Moments where later I imagined pulling him in for a kiss.

He was such a gentleman. I am still surprised when men pay for things. The only other person that wouldn't allow me to buy anything was Older Guy but I figured it was a generation thing. But the two times I've hung out with Geek Photographer he wouldn't let me pay, even when it was a place I stopped for myself! It was in Juice It Up that I noticed I was crushing big time. We were waiting for our drinks and it was crowded, we were close, but I didn't realize how close till everyone else was gone and we stayed right where we were.

It wasn't until we went our seperate ways that I called my friend and told her I was in serious trouble. I went home and took a nap, I couldn't get the grin off my face. Nothing happened. Though I kept imagining how it could have at Juice It Up. I kept smiling over comments that were made. I realized this is a problem. He has a girlfriend. What am I doing!? So I started compiling a conversation that I should have with him about my concern of his lack of communication about his girlfriend, making me feel he was available. I find myself flirting with him far more then I should a guy in a relationship. I find myself imagining a relationship forming when he's made it clear that's not what he wants.

Even now, after the conversations we've had... I can't imagine him NOT wanting a relationship with me. Have I deluded myself into thinking he wants me and all along he's made it abundantly clear that he's glad I don't have any expectations? I mean after my nap I made the decision to back off. Keep my distance. For my own safety and sanity. But he's called me more then usual, sent text messages more often and has been all around more involved. I've even given excuses, given him outs, and he's asked me to call him back or made reasons for me to stay on the phone with him. It's just odd. I know I'm falling more then I should. I need to keep myself from letting my imagination and my heart from slipping too far.

We talked tonight about his beliefs. He knew I went to a water baptism after church. He made a joke about drowning the person and he mentioned that he knew I wouldn't be offended with a statement like that unlike his sister and his mom. I hadn't realized his sister was a Christian also. I've always been under the impression that he was raised in a Christian home but that he never kept the beliefs as his own. He was very offended when he found out thats how I viewed his beliefs. He said there was a big difference in believing in something and not actively pursuing it.

He also said something else that intrigued me. I was mentioning that I felt he was a bit obsessed with Computer Geek. He always asks about him. He told me its because he's trying to figure out what's going on between us. I thought he was joking until he said that he's backed off on asking because I kept giving him the same answer and now he'll throw in a question about him here and there just to see if I'll give in to more information. I laughed and told him what I've always told him. Sure I flirt with Computer Geek... That everyone in the office knows I flirt with Computer Geek. Majorly flirt! And I totally think he's a cutie, a bit of a freak but in a good way! But that's it. But I didn't tell him that if Computer Geek ever wanted to do anything with me, I think I'd go for it in a heartbeat! My only hesitation is my own personal insecurities, because I can't imagine Computer Geek being physically attracted to me, sure my face may be pretty... But if his current girlfriend is any indication of what he is physically attracted to then I'm the opposite. And well we work together, it would make for an awkward work environment.

Computer Geek still in the lead

I know I said the men have all taken a step back... At least the ones that were possible relationship candidates. One person has stayed at the forefront of my affections and that's Computer Geek. Though he was never really a candidate it doesn't change the fact that I still have a considerable crush on him. He's such a sweetie and there really is just something about him that draws me to him, he just brings a smile to my face.

I think the most surprising thing for me was when I had a nightmare last week. It was horrible. I couldn't shake the creepiness I felt. I rebuked the enemy multiple times, prayed in my tongue, even called my mom at 4:30 in the morning to pray with me. It was one of the worst nightmares I can remember. But the dream wasn't all that bad, it was the creepiness that I couldn't seem to shake that got to me more then the dream itself. When I finally felt a little light hearted I tried to keep my mind occupied with other things, trying to avoid visuals of the worst parts of the dream from coming to the forefront of my mind. Computer Geek was the one thing that made me feel calm, memories of our chats or moments at work. Even work in general was the one thing I could focus on and eventually fall back to sleep.

Anyways, Computer Geeks friendship means a lot to me. There is a joy that he brings to my life that I hope never gets taken away. I know there is a high chance that it could. As with most relationships, people come and go, but there are those people that leave a lasting impression and he will be one of them for sure.

Geek Photographer - He's made me promise to say something nice about him in my secret blog today. So I will say things are going well again. I haven't shared with him any hints of its whereabouts (like I did with Computer Geek). I think he's concerned he's gotten on my shit list and to be honest there were plenty of times he was. I had an entire long winded post about how frustrated I was with him but it just didn't seem important enough to share with the world. I vented and that was all I needed. I needed a break from him and I took it. I would like to say it was my choice but it seemed that we both came to that conclusion at the same time. He is the one that calls me, and for an entire week I neither got a call or chatted with him. In fact, I thought the friendship was over and to be honest I wasn't too heart broken.

But that break seems to have done the friendship good. He's no longer the major ass he was before. I almost felt like he went out of his way to put me down. Now it's a normal friendship. He still gives me shit. And with my friendships that's required.

He's also come up with a photography outting. One that I'm pretty excited about! One, its a very cool concept! Two, it'll just be fun to get out and shoot pics with a purpose. He has big plans to get our photography group going but the last time I got my hopes up and nothing came of it. One thing I've realized is that he's a dreamer and an entrepreneur. Both things I admire but it can sometimes mean being let down by the next big thing.

So the above was written last night. I got interupted by a call from Geek Photographer because he couldn't sleep! We pretty much just surfed the web together. It was ... kind of interesting. I enjoyed it. But I hate when I start to like him more then I should. He's proven that when I start to care he becomes an asshole. I'm running late to work this morning too because my brother needed my car to pick up parts for his truck and I know I'm gonna get shit about being late when we were both up just as late as the other and he got to work on time. And this would be the kind of shit that I enjoy as much as I may moan and groan about it while he's dishing it.

Well I need to pack up my lunch and get ready so when my brother gets back I'm ready.

Getting stuff off my chest...

So I need to get this off my chest and my wireless connection isn’t working so well. “Oh… My… God…” Why does it irk me so much when someone complains about my use of that phrase? Why does it seem like such hypocrisy to be scolded for using the Lord’s name in vain when I use the phrase? Either way, I just got off the phone with a friend acquaintance, whom just gave me a lecture on the use of that phrase and it being offensive to him and oh how he didn’t want to come across as a jerk or anything but it was his God too… blah blah blah!

Of course this conversation comes after a possibly inappropriate chat with Geek Photographer, who ironically used the term “big camera” to refer to his… well business. Guess my nickname is more fitting then I thought. I will say that ever since our blunt conversation (see below) I think the friendship has naturally leaned towards more flirtation of the sexual nature.

So I found out a coworker has been spying on me. And yes, not in a good way. A coworker I actually have had a lot of troubles with… her work ethic and abilities suck. Apparently she’s been taking more time to see what’s on my screen then doing her own work. How did I find out about this? Oh, well my new supervisor asked me today if I was happy about moving so this coworker wouldn’t have the opportunity to check out all the personal stuff I was doing. I knew she was doing it, but I hadn’t realized how big of an issue it was! She would even make eye gestures to my supervisor to indicate I was yet again doing something unwork-related who in turn would tell her to mind her own work-related business! I’m just glad he knows I’m a good worker. Though when he told me she made eye gestures I seriously had daydreams about beating her head up against her cubicle wall. Brutal I know… But I’ve never mentioned this woman, and well this is not something I can truly vent about on my public blog because I’ve already had people at my work twist my words around even when I didn’t mean harm by them! I can only handle so much though. Since this new supervisor has signed on I have noticed he’s picked up on my coworkers issues right away. He sympathizes with me. He gets annoyed with her. Before he came along I desperately struggled to even be cordial with this coworker. Now, knowing I’m not alone in my annoyances, has honestly helped me take a step back and relax about my frustrations with her. Though today when I heard that… well it was hard NOT to get all frustrated all over again. Ok… so enough venting… I think I should just send this post out.

Below was written last night

Fresno - Out of the blue Fresno contacted me and said he plans on coming down to So Cal and wants to get together. I asked him when and he said he didn't know but he wanted it to be soon... Maybe the next couple of weeks. Of course I will probably meet up with him but I'm still so surprised especially with how things happened last time and I will NOT let it get to that point again.

Geek Photographer - Well we had an... um... interesting conversation last week. We got on the subject that I like guys with a bit of geek to them and I freely admitted that there was an attraction on my part towards him. His first response was "awkward" in a sarcastic tone. Then he asked why this was the first he'd ever heard of it and I replied well this isn't something that one just blurts out (kind of like I just did hehe), then he played the cocky game and said he knew it. I decided to inform him it wasn't all along! That it was after getting to know him, the ease of our friendship and well other things that I think brought about the attraction. And he said he could tell me when it started. Sure enough he got the timeline right. I told him that Computer Geeks teasing started well before my attraction. I made sure to let him know it wasn't like I expected anything to happen with him and he was like "well good". Little punk... So I decided to push the issue, I asked him point blank if he was attracted to me. He then pretended he had to go, hemmed and hawed and said that I already knew he didn't answer personal questions. So I asked him what the big deal was, why not admit it. This is where things got a bit awkward, for me at least... He said that its because *he's* the one in a relationship. I told him that ok I could understand that but whether or not he's attracted its not like it's going to change anything to which he replied no one expects it to but well that's how relationships always start. The light switch turned on, obviously he answered my question without answering it. But not only that, he answered in a way that I thought made the situation more serious then it needed to be. I backed off. Told him I understood where he was coming from and then went on to talk about other things.

Though he did tease me about Computer Geek. At some point in the conversation I was explaining how I think our common interest in photography made for a natural attraction. He asked if that was code, that I liked his camera better then Computer Geeks. Then said that he couldn't wait to tell Computer Geek that I thought his camera was bigger and liked his more then Computer Geeks!!! Yes, what have I done?

Computer Geek - Awesome and adorable as usual. He said some really sweet things last week when I was pretty down. He knows there's a new girl coming into my department and he asked if she hot and when I told him yes, that she was a great candidate to be his future ex-girlfriend he asked if I would be sad to no longer be the only one... How adorable is that?! I shared with him my insecurities and as much as he said he's not good with the silly girlie stuff he was really sweet about his response.

Its odd though... With as much as I lust after Computer Geek, one would think that I would have obsessed more about him telling me I was pretty and the comment he made about me and the new girl then about Geek Photographers response to my point blank question of whether or not he was attracted to me. I mean there is something about Computer Geek that is just sexy. As far as I'm concerned he's... well hot! Sadly, his pictures just don't do him justice. Anyways, last week I did have a hard time letting go of Geek Photographers response. I guess because it made me feel that he'd thought about a relationship forming far more then I ever had. And that if he would have just freely stated his attraction to me and followed it up with the fact that it didn't change the fact that he was already in a relationship then it would have been kind of laid back, more casual. Who knows... I'm an overanalyzer by nature. So I've probably read WAY too much into it as it is.

Washington - Called me out of the blue Friday on my work number just to start my weekend out right. He even sent me a text this morning. Called me Saturday at like 1am! Crazy guy.

Burbank - is just a miserable guy. He loves blasting women. Takes pride in it actually. Not sure what’s up with him lately. He’s been making more of an effort with the friendship, calling, asking about my life and what’s going on, stating that he wished I lived closer so we could spend more time together. All the while, I’m keeping him at arms length just because I’ve been blasted by him before, it’s a pattern, a horrible one at that… I don’t want that. I don’t need that right now.

Touchy Feely - Went out of state for a while. It was kind of nice. He never really called or talked to me. Now suddenly that he’s on his way back to Cali he’s calling and messaging more often. Ugh! I don’t want to have to keep avoiding his advances.

So is it wrong that I flirt with (even fantasize about) a boy who’s 11 years my junior? Don’t worry, he’s legal. Just barely! Our friendship was more like he was my adopted little brother but the older he’s gotten the more non-related the dynamic of our relationship is. We no longer refer to each other as “little brother” and “sis”. He calls me “Good Lookin” and I call him “Cutie”. He’s made comments that make me believe he’s struggling to be good. Usually it’s only because other people are around. Here I am thinking, how in the world can I allow myself to visualize ANYTHING happening with this kid?! Though he’s a really good lookin kid!

Anyways, guess this was a post about getting stuff off my chest. Things that I haven’t ever written down! Now it’s time for bed.

Thoughts... btw Happy Birthday Computer Geek

Computer Geek - So it’s Computer Geeks birthday today. Happy Birthday Computer Geek! Actually it’s more like yesterday. He actually knows about this blog. I broke down and let him know the address… Just gave it right over to him. He says it’s because he’s my favorite… And well he’d be right. In all honesty I believe he read it that initial time, maybe a few posts and will probably never visit again. But this reminds me of something I did back in 6th grade. I had the hugest crush on “Hunk-of-babe”… Even then I had nicknames for my crushes. Either way, hunkofbabe came over to my house and went through my stuff and found my journal. Not that I hid it very well. The journals first page had descriptions of my little 6th grade feelings for him. And so rather then being all embarrassed by it, after a moment of blushing I went straight up to him and said something like… I like you. So what? I’m not afraid to admit it.

Computer Geek has known that I’ve been crushing on him. I believe I shared the phrase “ginormous crush”. He might not have known the degree of my crush. Or maybe he could have thought I was just teasing him. And to some extent I was. I have said it to him and on this blog: I truly adore him. He’s a total cutie in every sense of the word! Yet I know that’s it. I’m still completely intrigued by him. I still want to get to know him more. I will eventually learn all that his sick and twisted mind is into!

Colorado - I’ve been thinking a lot about the past relationships I’ve had. Sometimes I forget how serious things got with Colorado! We even talked about me moving out there. There were times I even wondered if he cared, but looking back I know he really did, at least as much as he could at the time. Yes, he is getting married at the end of this month. And our relationship ended a little over a year ago.

Ex - I spoke with my ex the day before last. He sent me a quick email which I replied with just an exclamation and he showed up online asking how I was doing. He’s counting down the days to his wedding so he seems happy. We somehow got on the subject of his fiancé and how she feels about me. And this is what he said “I think she's still all about the live and let live”… “now that we're getting married though, I think that'll ease up.” So as I sat there pondering what that meant he said he had to run off to catch his flight home. First of all my first instinct to the phrase “live and let live” is let bygones be bygones. How does this need to be eased up on? I asked a few people. Most didn’t think he understood what the phrase “live and let live” meant. Computer Geek said the problem wasn’t the phrase but that his fiancé was even having to think it, is the problem.

Again I overanalyzed it and came to this thought… I have a feeling she doesn’t like that he and I are still friends. Especially knowing how serious we were. In her mind I think she feels like ok why don’t you just go live your life and we’ll live ours. (this could be what he means by live and let live) He has shared that she is frustrated with our friendship and she doesn‘t understand why we stay in touch. In my mind though what friendship? We don’t talk on the phone. We barely chat. We’re more like acquaintances whom were intimate at one time. Lots of people have done that. I’m not saying I want to be her friend but as much as I feel love for my ex, it’s more love for what we were, not who we are now… I don’t want him back. I know he’s where he needs to be.

All that to say I’m still as confused as when he said it. I don’t know when I’ll talk to him again. It may or may not be before the wedding. One morning I was getting ready and it hit me that I’m not sad he’s getting married. I feel like I’ve truly let go.

Vegas - If you remember, he is the fuckably hot one. He’s anxious to meet up. He asked me when I was available to spend a couple days with him. So I told him about my business trip out there in September. He also knows I will have my own room. On top of which my supervisor is having us stay longer then the convention just so she doesn’t have to be inconvenienced. This all works out to my benefit of meeting up with him. Part of me wants to throw caution to the wind and just go for it. Another part remembers the disappointment of Fresno. I don’t want another one of those. It’s a few months away so we’ll see how I feel then.

Anyways, enough of my rant… It’s late and I am getting sleepy. I know there was more that I wanted to share but my eyes are crossing… A good sign it’s time for bed.

sadist/masochist

I'm not saying I'm either. I just watched the film "Secretary" by Computer Geeks recommendation. I'm intrigued by this relationship-style. I can't say I know why Computer Geek recommended it, whether he's opening up about the kind of lifestyle he's into or if he just thought it was a good flick, which it was.

I'm a little hesitant to be honest in my post. Only because google has outdone themselves! A while back I gave him (Computer Geek) two lines to this blog so he can attempt to find it and if you pasted it into google search it could not locate the blog. Sadly I attempted this on Friday after my last post and poof * "Clandestine" becomes no longer clandestine! I have no idea if he's figured this out and it makes me nervous to be honest about his lifestyle only because some of the secrecy is out if he and another person know about this blog and have yet to share with me. I respect his privacy. I respect him.

So back to this movie. Is it a clear representation of what a dominant/submissive relationship is like? It seemed romantic. And with my very little understanding of sadist/masochist relationships I never could comprehend the draw. Unless this movie is a valid representation of it then I can see how people are drawn to it.

Anyways, just a quick entry on a subject I didn't feel comfortable posting to my normal blog.

Men...

It's that time again. Another post about the confusing men in my life. This sounds horrible but Computer Geek is getting laid and I'm jealous! Though I'm not into the kinky stuff he's into it still sucks just knowing he's out there getting laid and I haven't had sex or any form of physical affection in ages! heh Computer Geek and I have come to an understanding of what type of relationship we have. We both enjoy flirting but know it would never go any further. It's been A LOT of fun. I was concerned when he told me his "friend" was coming out to stay with him for a month. I thought it might change the way he treats me since I'm pretty sure this is his future girlfriend. I'm happy to say that is not the case!

Geek Photographer - Well I was right in thinking my feelings would change. He pushed me to a point that I thought about dropping him altogether. I read how I felt about him and I miss those feelings. I lost the ability to feel safe to be myself with him. He started teasing me... A LOT! Since I started to care about him, it impacted me more then it probably should have. I became angry and frustrated, which then in turn stopped me from being myself. For a good week or two I really just wanted to drop him but still couldn't walk away from the friendship. Finally I broke down and confronted him in an email. His response was short and didn't really have any bearing on how I felt but I think just getting it off my chest really helped aleviate the need to make sure he was ok with me. Since then things are back to normal. I finally got my head out of my ass and decided that if he didn't like me for who I am he wasn't worth having in my life. Oddly I know he likes me (friend or otherwise) and the teasing is his way of "chasing the girls around the playground" as Computer Geek puts it. And it makes a lot of sense.

Burbank - I broke down and called him a couple weekends ago and we had an absolutely fantastic conversation! And the following week he called me just to say hello! So things are good. I know he's stressed about his lack of job and it makes him a pretty depressing person to talk with. But when I called him he was surprisingly honest about where he's at emotionally. And it helped me have more grace for his situation.

Older Guy - Offered to let me stay at his place while he was back East visiting his family and then accidentally locked me out of the house. It was quite entertaining. But he felt horrible. He cleaned out the spare room for me and everything. He wants me to help him with his new business venture. I've told him I'd be glad to help out on the weekends I'm free. He's turning out to be a good friend. I no longer have the physical attraction I did early on in our friendship. And it's been a good year since we've been friends. It's kind of cool.

Washington - He and I had a bit of a unique text conversation a little over a week ago. We've always done the sexual inuendos but this was full on sex texting. I feel a bit awkward about it now only because it's obvious this wasn't the first time he thought about doing stuff with me. hehe I should have known. It's opened a new avenue to our relationship. I know we're both curious about what it's going to be like to meet up in person, especially after this.

Well I'm off

Slightly Surprised

So someone has taken me by surprise. I am not sure what to think about these feelings. He was a new employee where I work. He only worked with us for 3 months. Wednesday was his last day. And I'm actually kind of sad and these are the feelings in which I'm surprised by.

He started out a guy I enjoyed talking to about photography. Computer Geek kept teasing me about him. Telling me this guy has a crush on me and that I should go for him. I thought he was just being silly. So what is a good nickname for him? Geek Photographer probably suits him best.
Geek Photographer - He has wormed his way into my affections and I'm not sure how. I've analyzed this a lot (as I do most things) and can only come up with the conclusion that I enjoy how he makes me feel. Something in his personality. The way that I can be truly myself around him and still feel he wants to get to know me more. He's genuinely a happy upbeat guy and I haven't met too many men like that. His attitude is contagious. I no longer worry about others around me when I'm with him. I just enjoy his friendship. Or is it more then that? He has a long distance relationship and I find myself jealous. That's just odd. I'm still trying to narrow down the true feelings.

He's moved near the beach and we talk in absolutes that we'll hang out and take pictures again. We went on a photography trip the week before he left and I think the easyness of the day, the fact that we didn't run out of interesting things to talk about, has left me longing for more. Is this just a great friendship and I don't know the difference? We've chatted every day since and he seems genuinely interested in keeping the friendship going.

I feel so silly. Like in two months I'll realize how foolish this post sounds. He's 5 years younger then me! What's with the young ones? Another one whom I'm not sure if I've EVER mentioned, whom I'll call Fresno is another tale to tell.

Fresno - (Don't mix him up with Northern Cali, two different guys) Another young one with a 5 year age difference. I met Fresno through work when I first started. I started in the fall two years ago and he quit a month after I started. Not giving us a lot of time to form a friendship but somehow we did. Probably because it didn't matter his age he was definitely eye-candy. We emailed randomly now and then. He made efforts to visit me when he was down in the area. Well a couple of weeks ago he mentioned he would be down in So Cal and asked me to hang out with him. It was quite a drive so he offered to have me stay at his hotel room and drive to work the next morning giving us more time to hang out. I wasn't sure what to think. In my head I felt there was no chance for anything more then friendship just because I couldn't imagine him being interested in me physically.

Lets spare the details and say that the evening was a lot of fun and when it came time to go to bed, neither of us could sleep. Before I realized it things got physical, but only for his benefit. In the end he got off and I was left wondering what the fuck just happened. We talked it through yet I still felt completely and utterly used and not so much pissed off as frustrated.

I've analyzed that entire evening to death. Was he really just that big of an asshole? Does his culture make him feel it's ok to use women like that? Was he inexperienced? Or as someone put, was I his play thing and he got what he wanted? I gave up trying to figure it out. We've emailed once since the incident. That isn't saying much, we never emailed on a consistent basis. The friendship has changed but I'm sure it'll go back to normal in time.

Computer Geek - He's still my main crush. I adore him. As much as I fantasize about him, I doubt anything would ever come of it. We have lots of fun teasing and playing with each other. He's also a good friend. Like I said in the beginning of this post, he thinks Geek Photographer has a thing for me. He also knows about Fresno as of this afternoon. Even though I think he suspected something happened between Fresno and me, I think he was quite surprised when I shared what took place. Maybe had a little bit of a different view of me. Which I'm not sure is such a good thing. He knows I'm a freak but I think he also sees me as innocent, which I pretty much am. But the incident with Fresno puts a little crimp in my angelic behavior... I went hoping for something to happen, it did and it was a major dissapointment. Computer Geek knows when it comes to what I threaten to do to him, it's all talk if it actually came down to it. Though out of all of them I think I'd have the most fun with him... There's friendship and I believe sexual attraction, great combination for sex.

Fresno was more like an aquaintence with sexual attraction. Not a good combo. Geek Photographer isn't much with the sexual attraction but there is a connection that would make for a fun time.

Washington - He's a sweetie! We both feel a connection and have a mutual attraction but we're both just not worried about what that means. That might change when we actually meet face-to-face for the first time. He has my call back tone set to "Barbie Girl" by Aqua... I wasn't sure if I should take offense, like I'm a ditzy blond or something but he assures me its all good. hehe

Older Guy - Just had a jump start to doing his business full time for a while. He got let go from his job so now he can focus 100%. We haven't been able to hang out that much. But we're still cool. The crush on my end has definitely died down.

Northern Cali - Not to be confused with Fresno is definitely a great friend. I was surprised at how much he's leaned on my friendship in the last few months to help him deal with some of the stress and frustrations going on in his life. I was surprised to find out I was one of the only friends he confided in, but was pleasantly surprised.

Vegas - Did I ever mention him? Wow... This is a crazy story. I went to a concert in Vegas and this cute guy behind me asked for the pictures I was taking. I gave him my number and honestly believed that to be the only reason he wanted my number. My friends knew otherwise. This happened a few years back. He's hot! Like fuckable hot! Turns out he really liked me, for the longest time he made comments about wanting to be with me. He and I have yet to see eachother since the concert but have spent time on webcam chats, I'm sure you know where that led. We've text quite a bit... Took a moment to send him a text. It's been a while since we've talked. I know if I meet up with him it'll mean sex. Or at least a great makeout session depending on the circumstances of our visit.

Burbank - He and I had a falling out so to speak. I have pretty much written him off as a friend. Lately I've been feeling the need to contact him but not enough to actually go through with it. I'm tired of his crap and how he treats me. He's a miserable human being and tends to make everyone around him more miserable. Ok so I'm not ready to make an effort to be his friend. I still need time.

Touchy Feely - Well after he got the hint I stopped caring to make an effort to be his friend. He was full of drama. He was sometimes worse then a girl. Always making comments about how I'd never date him but he could see himself with me, etc. It got old after a while.

Colorado - Still great friends. He is officially getting married the same day my ex is. We don't chat nearly as much but I still value him as a friend and as someone who taught me a lot about myself.

Summary - Boy there have been a lot of men lately. I'm curious as to what the future holds. I still think Computer Geek will leave a lasting impact. Geek Photographer hasn't been a big part of my life just yet. I think he has the potential but it could really go either way. Well I think this post has given me some perspective on the men in my life. It'll be interesting to see where it all ends up.

¿

Right now I'm thoroughly enjoying life. I'm still as confused as ever about the men in my life.

Colorado - Just informed me yesterday that he proposed to his girlfriend and that his wedding is possibly going to be the same day as my ex! But I'm really happy for him.

Burbank - Invited me over for Valentine's Day. Made me dinner. Even bought me a gift. But almost seemed to go out of his way NOT to make any physical contact! hehe No clue what to think of this guy.

Washington - Totally adorable. Sent cute messages on Valentines Day. Even sent a picture of a bouquet of roses since he knew no one else sent me anything, which I think he was quite surprised about actually. I look forward to meeting him in person.

Computer Geek - Has suddenly peaked my interest above all the others (at this moment in time), I switch my crushes easily. But lately he's been really sweet. I even gave him a hint to the name of this blog. Not sure if he ever found it. I'm pretty confused. He was teasing me about a new guy in the office and how I should hook up with him. I asked if he wanted me to stop flirting and he said I don't flirt with him. I realized then that he really had no clue I went out of my way to get to know him.

Touchy Feely - Has finally gotten the hint I think.

Older guy - Been kinda MIA but has picked up in the last day or so. The girl he's seeing in Arizona was going to come out for Valentine's Day and they got into an argument. He says it's over. I say she'll still keep coming back for some reason. I know he's charismatic.

This post was ready to publish with minor finishes so here it is, posted late... (It says it was posted 2/20/08 but that's when it was started and never published, I'm publishing it today 3/12/08)

Recap of the men in 2007

Recap of the year in men - friends or otherwise...

Colorado - is currently seeing/living with someone. Oddly our friendship has survived our mini-relationship and time. I am happy to say we chat almost every day and he still has a good impact in my life. He seems to value my friendship which is something I wondered about from time-to-time.

Burbank - I don't believe I've mentioned him yet. He and I have known each other for years. We were each others first "online" to "in-person" friendship. Because he lives in an odd location we only get to hang out a few times a year. This year I found myself more physically attracted to him then ever. I'd always had a suspicion that he liked me too but there were reasons I never allowed myself to think more of it. Well he showed up to my surprise birthday party in September and the connection was undeniable. Over the next month we talked about our attraction and the confession on each of our part, wondering what that would mean the next time we hung out, which has yet to happen.

In fact, for some reason after that he has turned into a giant asshole! No joke! I have yet to figure out what crawled up his butt (and died) to make him such a rude individual. He called 15 minutes into the new year to wish me a Happy New Year but it was almost like he regretted calling me the moment he dialed my number. I have a feeling (based from his past relationships) he doesn't like acting on his feelings unless forced and I will not force him. I guess after my birthday I thought if we could make a more consistent schedule of seeing each other we may have a chance to see where our mutual attraction goes. I think I was forcing it and the dynamic of our friendship doesn't allow for that. I will let it go back to seeing each other every few months and be ok with that.

Washington - is a guy I met through work. We talked almost daily until his company switched providers but we had already exchanged numbers and talk every month or so. Last night I talked to him and one thing I enjoy about his personality is that I'm usually laughing so hard I'm crying. He's non-stop goofball. There have been times it's too much but when I haven't talked to him in a while he can truly lift my spirits. He tends to ask about my relationship status a lot. He seems intrigued that I've been dating a lot of men that aren't Christians. He knows how much my beliefs mean to me. I look forward to the time he comes down here and we can meet in person.

Computer Geek - is the one who attempted to locate my secret blog. He and I flirt. I'm still attracted to him but he's turning into a good friend. I enjoy his company and he throws out little things to encourage me.

Touchy/Feely - is a guy that I could be in a relationship with right now if I wanted. He scares me a little bit. The reason is that he reminds me so much of the men I have dated and I could see myself slipping into a relationship just because it's comfortable and I'm lonely. He doesn't have a relationship with God. I've been there. I can't do it again.

In fact, out of all the men I have been dating, Burbank is the one closest to fitting with the values I want in a man (odd that he can also be the biggest asshole too).

So, I've shared with Touchy/Feely that I've thought about having sex with him. He couldn't make a coherent sentence for at least 5 minutes after that! Apparently my boldness took him back. I told him that as much as I've thought about it there were reasons I would never allow myself to.

Northern Cali - recently came down for a visit. Another guy I’ve been friends with for years. I’ve known him longer then Burbank but Northern Cali is a lot further away then Burbank so we had our first in-person meeting last March. I was surprised he went out of his way to meet up with me this last month. He’s a great guy. He was visiting friends in Hollywood and was willing to drive inland to meet me on my lunch break, then even said it was worth the drive and he’d make sure to make plans to meet up with me the next time he’s down in my area.

Older Guy- has turned out as quite a surprise actually... I had given up on any form of relationship happening with him. I found out he was seeing a girl in Arizona that he failed to mention whenever I'd ask him about relationships. hehe I honestly think he was still trying to figure out "our" chances. He still calls me daily. I have been helping him with a new business venture he's working on. His business took him to Hawaii for a New Years celebration out there. I didn't expect to hear from him because I knew he'd be running frantic to get everything done, yet I found myself missing his frequent calls, I had gotten used to them. To my pleasant surprise, he called me yesterday to wish me a Happy New Year and to thank me for all the stuff I've done for him in 2007. I felt special that he chose to call. He didn't need to, nor did I expect it. I also got a text from him last night wishing me a Happy New Year and letting me know his project went well.

In all actuality I'm not sure why it means so much to me. I guess reading back through my few posts last year, the one thing that was consistent in my frustration is feeling like I don't mean much to the people in my life. The end of the year evaluation hasn't changed my outlook on that. In fact I plan on taking more time for me, rather then concerning myself with others and their feelings. This Older Guy just happens to be the one that consistently goes out of his way to make me feel cared for.

I admitted to him two days prior to his trip that if I were into one-night stands I'd be asking if he'd be interested. I was quite shocked at my bravery and am still unsure of what I felt it would accomplish to admit that to him since I know I'm not someone that can do a one-night stand. His response still surprises me! He admitted to being attracted but that the girl in Arizona was making him hesitate on his temptation to go through with it. He said our age difference is a big deal to him but that he sees me as mature for someone my age. Yet, I truly expected not to hear from him with my confession, or for him to pull away. The reason being is that my supervisor who is closer to his age really liked him and pursued him and he was turned off by it. It got to the point of ignoring her calls. He said the reason was that she seemed like the type of girl to just want a one-night stand. Yet my confession of wanting a one-night stand seems to have had NO affect at all, in fact it seems that he has gone out of his way to make sure I know he still values me as a friend. This has been the surprising twist to our friendship.

Summing up - There are more men but these are the ones with the biggest impact in my life for the 2007 year. So my brother has said he's swearing off all women for 6 months. I'm not sure that I can swear off all men, I’m too much of a flirt. But I have wondered if I lost all these men in my life, would I be devastated? ... No. But out of all the men I think the Older Guy would be the one I'd miss the most. I won’t push all these men out of my life but I do plan on making more of an effort to do things for me and not worry about pursuing friendships with the above men. In reviewing this list I have a feeling most of these men will stick around in the coming years. Though I will put less pressure on them to be more then they are and I will make new relationships.