Tired

I'm not sure how I feel right now. I know I'm feeling a little hesitant to blog anymore. I am not sure whats up with that. I usually love sharing my thoughts with the world. I have come to realize that I don't like blogging on my public blog because so many people read it and right now I have so much going on in my head that I don't feel like sharing when certain people can read it. Even this secret blog has 1 possible reader who knows me. I feel more safe having him know about the true me but still I wonder am I truly being myself knowing he may be reading? I've decided that I probably will no longer blog on my personal site. Maybe I should go back and some how explain what I think brought this about.

I'm currenly listening to a live album of a concert I went to last Monday. I'm seriously swooning over the lead singer. I had such an amazing night I think I keep relistening to it because its one of the main things bringing a genuine smile on my face. I know my last post was pretty intense. And honestly I would have to say that has a lot to do with the emotions I've been dealing with this week. I'm still friends with the person that was written about. But I've pulled back completely. I can't say he hasn't either but I think we've both realized it's just a dysfunctional relationship.

I have become insecure. I had taken a lot of strides in realizing that I'm a beautiful person even though I may be heavyset. But sadly I question and doubt everything now. If someone mentions one thing about my personality I cringe like it's a negative thing. I went through a lot of depression last week. Wednesday was a pretty bad night. I have yet to have a good cry though. I thought I needed one Wednesday but when I tried I was completely numb.

And as I mentioned earlier I have a seriously swooning issue with the lead singer to OURS. I've been thinking a lot about all the boys in my life and somehow I feel that maybe I should stick with liking this lead singer. Why? Because there is less chance of getting hurt. He's unattainable. I can dream, wish and hope all I want and have to live with the occasional live show. I realize I'm a bit boy crazy. And I sometimes wonder if that part of my personality will ever change. There has always been someone. If not a tangible person, then it's been someone I could never get. I am a flirt. Can this part of my personality be toned down? I know I can change if I really want to. I'm just not sure if I want to yet. I sometimes think it would be easier. I end up really liking certain guys and then find out I'm misreading their actions. Or being casual with them until my feelings turn more serious and then I tend to get hurt.

It's odd. I'm even thinking about revamping my entire website. Not that I want to have a whole new layout, but I want a lot less on the site. Or I want to turn it into a photography only site. I don't like my current web album and I haven't been able to figure out an easy way of cleaning it up other then throwing it all out and starting over. Why is this included in my reflections? Because it shows I feel a need for some serious change. I'm pulling my life off of display.

I'm tired of feeling used. My best friend keeps wondering how I get involved with these guys that take advantage of me. They seem to capitalize on the fact that I like them and get what they want and don't offer much in return. I tend to notice they can be jerks but there is also another part of the friendships/relationships that is fulfilling. I've always said my brother likes 12 year old toothpicks with a little bitch to them. Of course they aren't actually 12 years old, but they are young! So now I'm wondering if I'm similar in my tastes. I like young toothpicks with a bit of jerk to them. Most of my life I've always crushed on younger guys. There is no question I like em skinny! And if we stick with the trend. they all can be serious assholes! My brother likes his girls to be a bit independent and successful. I could say the same about the guys I like. I mean Computer Geek and I have even talked about it, I'm an IT groupie. I like guys with brains and a bit of geek to them. That's one thing my brother doesn't have. He likes girls with expensive tastes and high class. That's not the case with the men I like. Sure they are successful but they don't have to be in designer clothes.

Sometimes I think if I were more introverted it would be a good thing. It's a struggle. Computer Geek and I were talking about relationships and he told me that he doesn't get attached with the women he dates. I sadly am almost the complete opposite. I get wrapped up in that person. But we established that there are pros and cons for both. And right now I'm hurt. So I wish I would have been less attached, more reserved. (Sigh) Not sure where all this reflection is going to take me. It may just be a protective thing.

Anyways, I'm definitely zoning. I need to go to sleep.