The Singer & the rest of them

Dear Lord, its 2 in the morning and I'm wide awake! Didn't help that I had 2 jägerbombs when I was out tonight. But I figure it's about time I update on the many men in my life.

The Singer - is currently my lead interest. It was his birthday today, er I mean yesterday since its technically already the 31st. I hadn't seen him since September 26th when he told me when his birthday was. That was an interesting night but I'll go into that a little later.

So this afternoon I decided to call and wish him a Happy Birthday. It's been something I've been debating for quite a while but whenever I hesitated I thought of what Colorado taught me, if guys can't handle me being myself then I don't want them. So I did it, and of course got voicemail. I kept it short and sweet...

Hi "The Singer", I just wanted to call and wish you a Happy Birthday. Hope you're enjoying your day. Talk to you later.

As soon as I hung up I felt alright about it. I mean I wasn't sure when I was going to see him and I also know he thinks phone calls are so impersonal but I figured since I didn't know when I'd see him again it was ok.

Oddly enough though, I went to a show tonight of a mutual friend of The Singers and mine, and it turns out he was there! I was so shocked! First because I didn't expect he'd spend his birthday that way, and I also had heard him and another guy talking about going to a rave on his birthday which when I asked him about it he made it clear it wasn't something he was all that interested in doing.

But when I first saw him I was stunned and also a little embarrassed, I was wearing a cat costume since it was a mandatory costume event. I had cat ears, I had put a black nose and whiskers on my face. He was just in a regular sweatshirt. He looked good though. Really good. I finally got the courage to go up to him, the Drummer and the bassist (not to be confused with the guy I labeled "The Bassist") of his band. I could tell they were surprised by the costume but also thought I looked cute.

I got a little time to talk with The Singer. I guess he was shocked I remembered his birthday, he apparently didn't remember telling me. I got the impression he was a little freaked so I went back over and told him I hope it didn't creep him out that I called and he looked shocked and asked why would he be creeped out, but that it was just surprising because even his close friends didn't remember. I think I may have made some brownie points there.

As we talked I kept thinking of how cute he was. He was smiling ear-to-ear. My brother was ready to head out after our friends played so I said my goodbyes. One of these days I'm going to make out with that guy! I hope sooner rather then later.

I'm still so surprised by the timeline in all the events that have taken place with The Singer. I met him on New Years Eve. It was at First Kiss's bands show at a house. I remember thinking The Singer was cute then but he seemed a bit snobby. I saw him maybe two times in the first 6 months of 2009. And both times I wasn't looking my best. I believe he's seen me with no makeup on and my hair pulled back, the worst look for me! Well ok maybe I saw him more then that because their band came over to record and practice a couple times. I never felt as comfortable with them as my brothers band until their first show when I took pics. It wasn't until his band got going that I started seeing him about once-a-month or so.

June 2nd - His first show... I don't really know The Singer all that well. I (being outgoing) tease him that he should get used to getting his pic taken because when they make it big he'll have all sorts of pics taken.
July 17th - Take pics of his band's practice. He seems self conscious of me taking his pics.
July 18th - Big show with the remaining Ramones members. I got a picture with the band. I'm feeling more comfortable with him and teasing him more but nothing out of the ordinary.
August 11th - I went to a dive bar to watch his band and found him being more friendly then usual. I was laughing and cracking up by his jokes the whole night. When he first saw me he actually instigated the hug. I remember even sharing with the other band members that The Singer was in a really good mood because he'd never been so friendly with me. That was the night I realized how attractive he was.
August 15th - The Bassist invited me to their bands studio recording. I noticed The Singer made a comment about something between The Drummer and me to the Bassist. I remember thinking it was an odd comment, like he was very aware and paying close attention to the fact that something was going on between me and The Drummer.
September 3rd - He shocked me by asking if I wanted to go make out. Which he had apparently gone in to talk to The Drummer to confirm he was ok with the Singer making a move.
September 26th - He tried rubbing up against my boobs a couple times. Was more touchy. Told me he wasn't looking for anything serious in which I in turn told him I wasn't either. He asked about my brother and hadn't heard he was in the hospital and really took it to heart. Even said he was sorry and gave me a hug. Totally sweet! When I gave him a hug goodbye he held me a lot longer and kissed my cheek.
October 30th - He was flirty and seems happy that I remembered his birthday. But nothing more... We'll have to wait and see.

Ok so not that this has happened fast, but honestly if I look back at how many times I've seen him before he's made an obvious effort to seek me out is just surprising given my history with men. I mean it's not really 10 months, it's 5 events! Only 5 before he asked me to go makeout with him. It's still a low self image I guess. I mean I feel better then ever about myself but lately with all the attention I get from guys it still continually surprises me.

Well its super late and I have way too much to say about the others to post this... I'll come back maybe tomorrow.

First Kiss - I met with him Tuesday October 20th to drop off the pics I took at his bands show on September 19th. His work schedule is hectic so it was a last minute decision to meet up. I got there and he had a drink waiting for me. I really enjoyed hangin out and talking with him. We discussed a lot of random things. But we did start kissing and before I knew it, it turned into heavy kissing. I mean turning into possibly going to the bedroom kissing. He asked if I'd tuck him in, but again reminded me that he's a bit of a prude when it comes to sex but he wouldn't mind fooling around. He offered to have us do oral and next time go all the way but I told him I needed to go. I admitted my insecurities of being with him after he'd been with his ex who's got the perfect body and he told me he's liked me for a long time. That he wouldn't be pursuing anything if he didn't find me attractive. Which I knew but it's still awkward for me.

So now we're just waiting for our schedules to work out to where we can meet up again. Though he has admitted that if all we do is makeout he's ok with that. He likes me and enjoys hanging out. Oddly this makes him a good guy in my eyes. No pressure and all fun. I like this.

The Drummer - So things have been different for us. Some good, some bad. I noticed at the September 26th show that he and his cousin were a little more friendly with eachother then normal. It was something that The Bassist said that made it obvious I wasn't the first one to notice it. Knowing his past I wondered if he felt it was ok to be in a relationship with a cousin. So I decided to ask.

I sent him a text October 14th. I regretted sending the text asking him but was surprised to get a call from him a few hours later. We talked a little about it but his cell reception sucked so we agreed to meet to talk in person and I could tell he was excited to have someone to talk to about it.

I got there and sure enough he's interested in his cousin and she's into him. He wants to have a relationship with her but she's a little more freaked out about the fact that they're related. He sees nothing wrong with it and he really likes her. And to be honest it was a good talk. Though he asked what I thought about it and I told him I thought it was wrong. We debated it for a bit but I told him I'd have to think about it.

I felt the conversation went well. I could tell he appreciated that I was a true friend. He admitted he shared more with me then with anyone about his past. I was grateful that he trusted me with the information.

Then something happened... His cousin called while I was there and he admitted what he and I were talking about. She apparently didn't like that at all. She got angry with him.

Then October 19th I got a text from him at 1:45 in the morning saying "way 2 start stuff gosh darn!!!" which completely confused me. I sent him a text back asking if he meant that for me and he responded that yes it was but if I wanted to call I could.

We talked for about 2 hours about the drama of the situation with his cousin had caused him. Apparently another person told him it was the talk of the town. So he assumed I told people. I admitted people approached me about it but after he told me my suspicions were right I never told anyone. He was angry until I was able to convince him otherwise. By the end of our conversation I felt we were ok. We were joking and laughing about other things.

But I dropped off cookies last week and he seemed like he wanted nothing to do with me. He didn't really even seem to appreciate that I brought him cookies. I stayed 5 minutes and wished I never went. I saw him last night and he was nice enough but I was too focused on The Singer. The Drummer even thanked me for the cookies again and told me about how he brought them to work and the guys loved them.

I can tell with all this about his cousin it has made me lose my crush. It definitely changed my view of him. Anyways, I'm not sure where our friendship is as this point.

The Actor - We chatted the other day and the conversation turned sexual. He is looking forward to meeting in person. It was odd. He said he missed me. I'm a little unsure of what I feel about that. We barely know eachother. I also found out he's in a relationship! He says it's an open relationship but something tells me he's a womanizer and the relationship is only open because she's willing to take him back or let him cheat (I guess that is kind of what an open relationship is huh?). He has two kids with her too. I decided I have no problem flirting with him but I will never take him very seriously. He thinks we'd be good friends with benefits if he lived in California. He's planning on coming down soon and says he plans on being all over me while he's down here. (Sigh) Part of me thinks yes, another part thinks I'll be too busy thinking about his girlfriend and kids to think he's being honest about the open relationship.

Junior - So after the pic he's pulled away again. He's still sweet and sends texts now and then.

Fresno - Has moved back down to So Cal and wants to get together. He got a job so I'm not sure when we'll meet up. He wants to know what my schedule is like and I'm curious to see him but still unsure if I even want to meet up with him yet.

Seattle - He and I haven't emailed in quite a few months. I finally took the time to email him Friday early evening and was shocked to get a reply that same night. He has been wanting to email me too but has been really busy. I knew he was studying for a big test. I sometimes think of him as my reminder that I want to wait around for a guy like him, especially after dealing with the men I have in my life.

Washington - I sent him naked pics! Yes, you read that right. He said he's never received them so I decided why not!? I still can't believe I did it. But he was very impressed! I mean I've lost a lot of weight so I feel better about my body but it's nowhere near where I want it to be. He made me feel that I shouldn't worry about my body and that it was fine exactly as it is.

He and I have talked about our attraction. I know it's all about his personality. I haven't received many pics but he doesn't seem to be my type physically. He's funny though. And we have a great time, especially now that he isn't with the girl from Utah anymore.

Vegas - Still pursues me quite a bit. I still really regret not sleeping with him when I had the chance. I look back and realize that God must have set up the timeline for where I was mentally to save me from becoming a slut. I know this may sound funny but it's true. I still want him and if we lived closer that would be an interesting situation.

The Drummer and I have been texting and we just decided to meet up. So I'm heading off. I still need to send updates for a few more guys... Sadly there isn't much to report. Computer Geek is too busy these days. I was hoping to see Burbank soon but his finances have delayed his visit to Cali. He still talks about us hooking up whenever we talk on the phone. I think both of us are curious for another go. Geek Photographer and I have been talking quite a bit, even doing more photography things together. It's been cool. Older Guy has also been too busy to really get together. He wants to meet for drinks one of these days but that hasn't happened. Ok so I'm off for now.

The Men - young and old

Vegas - After I refrained from having sex with him when I was in Vegas for a business trip I thought he'd stop texting but to my surprise he's kept it up. Though I really found it difficult to stop myself from having sex. If I hadn't made a promise to myself that I didn't want to add another person to my list I would have easily let him come up to my room. But if I can't be honest here where can I be honest? I did it for Geek Photographer. He knew I was going to meet someone in Vegas and possibly have sex. He seemed concerned about it. He kept making me promise to tell him if I did end up doing something with Vegas. And because of my feelings for him, not wanting to let him down, I refrained from having sex, even though damn.... I wanted to. Vegas is fucking hot! It didn't stop me from having great makeout sessions.

I was surprised at how natural it all happened. I found myself walking hand-in-hand with him. He was a complete gentleman well other then pushing me to have sex when I kept saying no. He knew deep down I was struggling with my decision. But I stuck to my guns and in the end he respected it.

Colorado - Did I mention that the moment he got married he fell off the face of the earth? Not on chat, website password secured, cell number no longer a working number, *poof*... gone!

Ex - Has surprisingly kept in contact since being married. Not so much on chat but in emails. In fact making an awkward attempt at being friendly by sending me links to his honeymoon and wedding! I struggled with the "wtf" thoughts... Seriously, who sends an ex-girlfriend pictures of your honeymoon? hehe Freak... But he's a nice guy. My friends ask why I don't just tell him to go away. Part of me wonders if I should. He made a promise, part of me thinks I should just thank him for sticking to it, but it really doesn't matter anymore. I don't mind an update every 6 months, but you don't have to work at keeping the friendship alive. What friendship really? It's more like an awkward aquaintence now.

Burbank - Has pushed off his move a few weeks. It's now scheduled for the 29th. He's made it a priority to meet my parents before he leaves the state. Odd, I know. Still can't quite figure that one out.

Junior - Yup, a new character in my listings of men. I've been trying to figure out a good name for him. He's 11 years my junior so I figured why not just call him that. I've mentioned him before, asking if it was wrong that I was shamelessly flirting with him. The thing is, I think this young guy is a total hottie. I think last night I found out for the first time the feelings are mutual. We've made a pact that the next time we're both single he's taking me out on a date. He currently has a girlfriend.

I first mentioned him at the bottom of my "Getting Stuff off my chest" blog if you want a little history.

In not such a wise move I admitted that I woke up one morning to a naughty dream about him. I had only shared that it made me blush. He got a kick out of it the day I told him but never mentioned it again. But sure enough he mentioned it last night. He wanted to know what I dreamt about. Going back and forth he told me I was sexy, extremely beautiful and that he was looking forward to taking me out... Damn!

Even in the midst of others he has said some things that make others question him about his actions because he has a girlfriend. He found out I missed a call from Older Guy and someone commented that his reaction showed jealousy.

Older Guy - He keeps promising to take me out for my birthday but our schedules just haven't meshed. He's such a dreamer. He has some awesome business ideas. But I'm just not sure how it's going to work.

Computer Geek - Still as adorable as ever. Though I'm surprised he sent his girlfriend back home. I know that with his girlfriend around I kept myself a little guarded not to go too far with the flirting even though I knew he didn't seem to care one way or the other.

Geek Photographer - Oddly I haven't been as worked up about him the last couple of days. He hasn't been calling as regularly. Tuesday I didn't hear from him once, but he was also at a funeral that day. Though I guess he said he was tempted to stop by my work on his way back to Santa Monica but he had a huge headache and just needed to get home. I didn't mind I had a long drawn out talk with Washington which I'll discuss in a moment. This morning he text me and asked if he could call me on my way into work. He had some drama at work he wanted to share and I guess get my advise and opinion.

Washington - He called me Tuesday night and asked if I had time to talk. Sure enough he went on for about 2 hours about the history, every detail, with the latest girl he was seeing. I had no idea he was such an overanalyzer. He went on and on and at a couple points I had to tell him to get to the point. He jumped all over the place. Story after story. He wanted my opinion as a girl and when I would share it he would interupt or try to explain my opinion away with another story. If I would say anything negative about this girl he would get overly defensive of her. My phone finally died after 2 1/2 hours. I will say this... The girl he's seeing is scared to death to get into a serious relationship. She's keeping him at arms length but is holding onto him for dear life.

Sadly the next day I found out only 30 minutes after our talk he found out his best friend from the service was killed in Iraq two days ago. :( Poor guy, so much going on. He called me on my work line yesterday morning and I haven't heard from him since. I'm really actually worried about him.

Well that's it for now.

I'm buzzed

So I'm sitting in a hotel room in Vegas with no clothes on (left my pjs at home) ... totally buzzed. Probably more so then I have been in a LONG time. I went to a bar and ordered a drink that the bartender convinced me to get in a mason jar size! It had rum, some sour green stuff, and vodka. The worst part is I only drank maybe a little over 1/4 and I was feeling it! I'm a lightweight, what can I say. Right now I'm pounding the water because the biggest portion of my business trip happens tomorrow!

I've had a great trip. I've never done the business trip. I've been keeping receipts and know that even the drink I ordered will be covered by the company. Kind of nice!

I'm not sure how long it will take for me to go to sleep. I need to be up early for a long day at a conference. But right now I'm glad I'm taking this opportunity to enjoy myself. My friend from Utah has been out hanging out with me. She and I go WAY back... I think we met when I was 6 and she was 7. She's got an infectious laugh. She's awesome.

Remember Vegas? The guy I refer to as Vegas that is. Well he had every intention of "hooking up" while I was here. And at one point I was convinced I would get laid on this trip. But since my sexcapade with Burbank I have a different view of the whole situation. Even now, I still don't plan on letting him get anywhere. I think I pissed him off. When I first arrived he wanted to take me to dinner when I already warned him before I even got here that I wouldn't have time to hang out till Wednesday night. I haven't heard from him since. So I may not even see him tomorrow night. And I'm not too worried about it. In fact, it will save me the effort of having to convince him how serious I am that I'm not going to sleep with him.

*ok I take it back... Just heard from Vegas and he's planning on picking me up from the hotel tomorrow night and take me to dinner and out to a club. We'll see how it goes.

Anyways, I think I've fallen for Geek Photographer. There's no other explanation for how I feel about him. Things have changed for us recently and I think he's starting to accept it as well. Who knows though. He always gets close and then pulls away. But he knew about "Vegas" propositioning me and even though he knows I don't plan on having sex he's asked me every day if I've hooked up with him. And before I left he made me promise to be honest if i did hook up with Vegas. I don't see what concern it is of his but oh well.

Well I really should get to sleep. I'll write more soon I'm sure...

What just happened!?

So where does one begin? I have another post about Geek Photographer that has been waiting to post for so long that it's no longer relevant to things going on between us. I will post it with additions another time... Because from one week to the next things changed so dramatically and currently not for the better.

Burbank - Is the main reason for this late post. He called me last week and asked if I'd be able to go to BootieLA with him. It's something we've wanted to do for a while now and I was shocked to realize that I was actually available to go! So we made plans to meet at his place, head over to Bootie from there and that was that.

I'm not sure if it was the alcohol, the dancing, or just the mutual attraction and need/desire for sex but I found myself in bed with him. It seems odd to say. It's like it didn't happen. I feel no remorse or regret. We're friends. I went into it knowing it wouldn't go anywhere. He's moving. I think that's part of the reason I felt ok acting on my urge. And I look back and am not sure what we were thinking. I feel slightly scattered in my thoughts, even now the next day. That could be because I only got 4 hours of sleep and then took a 3 hour nap.

But looking back, I knew the frame of mind I was in. I wanted sex. I knew I'd enjoy sex with him. And yet, considering he's only my 2nd partner for actual intercourse I'm surprised I'm not as impacted by my actions. I was surprised by my boldness with him.

I went back to his place and he wanted to burn a copy of the cd I got from the club. I laid on his bed while he showed me things on his computer. And before I realized it, he started a movie and came and laid on the bed intimately close to me placing his hand on my hips or around my waist. We cuddled for a bit and I would say I was the one that started kissing him. He jokingly commented that neither of us had ever imagined going here before. We've been friends for so long and even then, I thought it was only going to be a make-out session. He even asked if I was going to blog about this on myspace and I told him I wouldn't not about something like this but that I'd definitely be mentioning it on my secret blog. He laughed and said of course I'd have a secret blog! But the kissing got hot and heavy quick and before I knew it he was asking if he should be getting a condom.

The sex was intense. I'm so sad to say that it was better then I ever had with my ex as far as satisfaction goes. I loved my ex, it was more intimate and special. With Burbank it was animalistic... It was fucking. And I was pleasantly surprised by his focus on me. I have always felt he was a bit of a selfish bastard, but apparently not as a lover. He was all about pleasing me and pacing himself. I never knew my ex wasn't very experienced until having sex with Burbank last night. It made it obvious only then. And when we finally were done for the night, or I should say morning because the sun was rising, he was surprisingly affectionate. We laid in bed and he always had to be holding onto me or touching me, he would tenderly caress my body or move my hair if he felt it was in my way.

When I finally got up to get ready to leave it was right back to friend mode. He burned the copy of the cd, made me breakfast, we chatted about every day events and then we talked a little about what happened and neither of us were too concerned. Well I will say he was worried about the affect on the friendship and I too would have thought something would have been changed if this happened last year but I have since moved on from any romantic feelings about him. I am attracted to him. We do have fun. But he can be a real ass sometimes and I know I wouldn't want him in my life for any length of time.

Now as much as I'm thankful for this fact that having sex has not impacted our friendship, I'm actually rather concerned at my ability to be so ok with what I did. My friend found out about it, she figured it out on her own and I couldn't lie, she was shocked. And honestly I hadn't given it much thought until she said something. Because I've gotten on her about her desire to have sex with this one guy. But I know it would be detrimental to her because she really cares about this guy and having sex with him will screw her up more since he has a girlfriend. I knew I didn't want anything more with Burbank. Yet I can't imagine me just going out and having sex with anyone else. I've always imagined something happening with me and him. And I think the friendship is one where I knew I could trust him. Other guys I don't feel I can trust that well. Or am I saying all this in hopes not to sound like I sleep around with just anyone? I know I don't. I'm still kind of surprised by how things worked out.

Something just hit me... Vegas... I had every intention of having sex with him when I went out there next month. Now I'm suddenly not so sure. Why is that? Hmm I will have to think about that one. But for now I really need to get to bed.

Thoughts... btw Happy Birthday Computer Geek

Computer Geek - So it’s Computer Geeks birthday today. Happy Birthday Computer Geek! Actually it’s more like yesterday. He actually knows about this blog. I broke down and let him know the address… Just gave it right over to him. He says it’s because he’s my favorite… And well he’d be right. In all honesty I believe he read it that initial time, maybe a few posts and will probably never visit again. But this reminds me of something I did back in 6th grade. I had the hugest crush on “Hunk-of-babe”… Even then I had nicknames for my crushes. Either way, hunkofbabe came over to my house and went through my stuff and found my journal. Not that I hid it very well. The journals first page had descriptions of my little 6th grade feelings for him. And so rather then being all embarrassed by it, after a moment of blushing I went straight up to him and said something like… I like you. So what? I’m not afraid to admit it.

Computer Geek has known that I’ve been crushing on him. I believe I shared the phrase “ginormous crush”. He might not have known the degree of my crush. Or maybe he could have thought I was just teasing him. And to some extent I was. I have said it to him and on this blog: I truly adore him. He’s a total cutie in every sense of the word! Yet I know that’s it. I’m still completely intrigued by him. I still want to get to know him more. I will eventually learn all that his sick and twisted mind is into!

Colorado - I’ve been thinking a lot about the past relationships I’ve had. Sometimes I forget how serious things got with Colorado! We even talked about me moving out there. There were times I even wondered if he cared, but looking back I know he really did, at least as much as he could at the time. Yes, he is getting married at the end of this month. And our relationship ended a little over a year ago.

Ex - I spoke with my ex the day before last. He sent me a quick email which I replied with just an exclamation and he showed up online asking how I was doing. He’s counting down the days to his wedding so he seems happy. We somehow got on the subject of his fiancé and how she feels about me. And this is what he said “I think she's still all about the live and let live”… “now that we're getting married though, I think that'll ease up.” So as I sat there pondering what that meant he said he had to run off to catch his flight home. First of all my first instinct to the phrase “live and let live” is let bygones be bygones. How does this need to be eased up on? I asked a few people. Most didn’t think he understood what the phrase “live and let live” meant. Computer Geek said the problem wasn’t the phrase but that his fiancé was even having to think it, is the problem.

Again I overanalyzed it and came to this thought… I have a feeling she doesn’t like that he and I are still friends. Especially knowing how serious we were. In her mind I think she feels like ok why don’t you just go live your life and we’ll live ours. (this could be what he means by live and let live) He has shared that she is frustrated with our friendship and she doesn‘t understand why we stay in touch. In my mind though what friendship? We don’t talk on the phone. We barely chat. We’re more like acquaintances whom were intimate at one time. Lots of people have done that. I’m not saying I want to be her friend but as much as I feel love for my ex, it’s more love for what we were, not who we are now… I don’t want him back. I know he’s where he needs to be.

All that to say I’m still as confused as when he said it. I don’t know when I’ll talk to him again. It may or may not be before the wedding. One morning I was getting ready and it hit me that I’m not sad he’s getting married. I feel like I’ve truly let go.

Vegas - If you remember, he is the fuckably hot one. He’s anxious to meet up. He asked me when I was available to spend a couple days with him. So I told him about my business trip out there in September. He also knows I will have my own room. On top of which my supervisor is having us stay longer then the convention just so she doesn’t have to be inconvenienced. This all works out to my benefit of meeting up with him. Part of me wants to throw caution to the wind and just go for it. Another part remembers the disappointment of Fresno. I don’t want another one of those. It’s a few months away so we’ll see how I feel then.

Anyways, enough of my rant… It’s late and I am getting sleepy. I know there was more that I wanted to share but my eyes are crossing… A good sign it’s time for bed.

Slightly Surprised

So someone has taken me by surprise. I am not sure what to think about these feelings. He was a new employee where I work. He only worked with us for 3 months. Wednesday was his last day. And I'm actually kind of sad and these are the feelings in which I'm surprised by.

He started out a guy I enjoyed talking to about photography. Computer Geek kept teasing me about him. Telling me this guy has a crush on me and that I should go for him. I thought he was just being silly. So what is a good nickname for him? Geek Photographer probably suits him best.
Geek Photographer - He has wormed his way into my affections and I'm not sure how. I've analyzed this a lot (as I do most things) and can only come up with the conclusion that I enjoy how he makes me feel. Something in his personality. The way that I can be truly myself around him and still feel he wants to get to know me more. He's genuinely a happy upbeat guy and I haven't met too many men like that. His attitude is contagious. I no longer worry about others around me when I'm with him. I just enjoy his friendship. Or is it more then that? He has a long distance relationship and I find myself jealous. That's just odd. I'm still trying to narrow down the true feelings.

He's moved near the beach and we talk in absolutes that we'll hang out and take pictures again. We went on a photography trip the week before he left and I think the easyness of the day, the fact that we didn't run out of interesting things to talk about, has left me longing for more. Is this just a great friendship and I don't know the difference? We've chatted every day since and he seems genuinely interested in keeping the friendship going.

I feel so silly. Like in two months I'll realize how foolish this post sounds. He's 5 years younger then me! What's with the young ones? Another one whom I'm not sure if I've EVER mentioned, whom I'll call Fresno is another tale to tell.

Fresno - (Don't mix him up with Northern Cali, two different guys) Another young one with a 5 year age difference. I met Fresno through work when I first started. I started in the fall two years ago and he quit a month after I started. Not giving us a lot of time to form a friendship but somehow we did. Probably because it didn't matter his age he was definitely eye-candy. We emailed randomly now and then. He made efforts to visit me when he was down in the area. Well a couple of weeks ago he mentioned he would be down in So Cal and asked me to hang out with him. It was quite a drive so he offered to have me stay at his hotel room and drive to work the next morning giving us more time to hang out. I wasn't sure what to think. In my head I felt there was no chance for anything more then friendship just because I couldn't imagine him being interested in me physically.

Lets spare the details and say that the evening was a lot of fun and when it came time to go to bed, neither of us could sleep. Before I realized it things got physical, but only for his benefit. In the end he got off and I was left wondering what the fuck just happened. We talked it through yet I still felt completely and utterly used and not so much pissed off as frustrated.

I've analyzed that entire evening to death. Was he really just that big of an asshole? Does his culture make him feel it's ok to use women like that? Was he inexperienced? Or as someone put, was I his play thing and he got what he wanted? I gave up trying to figure it out. We've emailed once since the incident. That isn't saying much, we never emailed on a consistent basis. The friendship has changed but I'm sure it'll go back to normal in time.

Computer Geek - He's still my main crush. I adore him. As much as I fantasize about him, I doubt anything would ever come of it. We have lots of fun teasing and playing with each other. He's also a good friend. Like I said in the beginning of this post, he thinks Geek Photographer has a thing for me. He also knows about Fresno as of this afternoon. Even though I think he suspected something happened between Fresno and me, I think he was quite surprised when I shared what took place. Maybe had a little bit of a different view of me. Which I'm not sure is such a good thing. He knows I'm a freak but I think he also sees me as innocent, which I pretty much am. But the incident with Fresno puts a little crimp in my angelic behavior... I went hoping for something to happen, it did and it was a major dissapointment. Computer Geek knows when it comes to what I threaten to do to him, it's all talk if it actually came down to it. Though out of all of them I think I'd have the most fun with him... There's friendship and I believe sexual attraction, great combination for sex.

Fresno was more like an aquaintence with sexual attraction. Not a good combo. Geek Photographer isn't much with the sexual attraction but there is a connection that would make for a fun time.

Washington - He's a sweetie! We both feel a connection and have a mutual attraction but we're both just not worried about what that means. That might change when we actually meet face-to-face for the first time. He has my call back tone set to "Barbie Girl" by Aqua... I wasn't sure if I should take offense, like I'm a ditzy blond or something but he assures me its all good. hehe

Older Guy - Just had a jump start to doing his business full time for a while. He got let go from his job so now he can focus 100%. We haven't been able to hang out that much. But we're still cool. The crush on my end has definitely died down.

Northern Cali - Not to be confused with Fresno is definitely a great friend. I was surprised at how much he's leaned on my friendship in the last few months to help him deal with some of the stress and frustrations going on in his life. I was surprised to find out I was one of the only friends he confided in, but was pleasantly surprised.

Vegas - Did I ever mention him? Wow... This is a crazy story. I went to a concert in Vegas and this cute guy behind me asked for the pictures I was taking. I gave him my number and honestly believed that to be the only reason he wanted my number. My friends knew otherwise. This happened a few years back. He's hot! Like fuckable hot! Turns out he really liked me, for the longest time he made comments about wanting to be with me. He and I have yet to see eachother since the concert but have spent time on webcam chats, I'm sure you know where that led. We've text quite a bit... Took a moment to send him a text. It's been a while since we've talked. I know if I meet up with him it'll mean sex. Or at least a great makeout session depending on the circumstances of our visit.

Burbank - He and I had a falling out so to speak. I have pretty much written him off as a friend. Lately I've been feeling the need to contact him but not enough to actually go through with it. I'm tired of his crap and how he treats me. He's a miserable human being and tends to make everyone around him more miserable. Ok so I'm not ready to make an effort to be his friend. I still need time.

Touchy Feely - Well after he got the hint I stopped caring to make an effort to be his friend. He was full of drama. He was sometimes worse then a girl. Always making comments about how I'd never date him but he could see himself with me, etc. It got old after a while.

Colorado - Still great friends. He is officially getting married the same day my ex is. We don't chat nearly as much but I still value him as a friend and as someone who taught me a lot about myself.

Summary - Boy there have been a lot of men lately. I'm curious as to what the future holds. I still think Computer Geek will leave a lasting impact. Geek Photographer hasn't been a big part of my life just yet. I think he has the potential but it could really go either way. Well I think this post has given me some perspective on the men in my life. It'll be interesting to see where it all ends up.