ARGH!!!

Why do boys have to be so confusing? Yesterday after a talk with my friend I was left feeling like I was completely done with "his" games. Almost sad that I keep falling for them. Angry that he was so selfish to keep toying with my emotions. I decided I had enough. I was going to avoid talking with him until I was ready to tell him so. I had already agreed to talk to him last night so I stayed busy and didn't keep my phone on me like usual. Sure enough I missed his call. I decided to text him when I was heading to bed and let him know I was sorry I missed his call but was busy and was heading to bed. Sure enough maybe 10 minutes later I get a call from him. I debated on picking up but decided it was easier to answer and just let him know I was in bed.

He, of course, wanted to talk. I told him I was in bed. He seemed to enjoy the fact that I was groggy. And sadly I was already smirking as I talked to him. Something in how he talks to me makes me laugh. I can't help but enjoy myself. But sure enough when I made it clear I was not intending to talk long he pulled the game out of his bag and said something he knew would get to me. I'm not sure if it was because I'd been stewing on my frustrations but in a half asleep stuper I started telling him off. Not yelling, just groggily but flatly calling him a fucking asshole and that I was done with his games. He of course found this highly entertaining. I can imagine how it came out. Someone half asleep mumbles something about you being a fucking asshole. But I meant it, every word. He suddenly brings on the charm... I try to stay mad. He fixes the statement he said that pushed me over that edge of self control. He knows I get angry with him quite regularly. Suddenly his voice is like silk... He's teasing... Toying... Again. I tell him I can't stay mad.

The above was written Wednesday September 17th.

So I spent the day at "his" mom's house, with him, his mom, and sister's family. He told me they like me if that's any consolation to the fact that they were whispering about us while I was on the living room floor playing on a train set with him and his nephew. I was tempted to write back "it's not them that I'm curious about".

Should I even still be curious? He knows the depth of my feelings yet I can't tell if he really likes me. I know he does. But is it just more games?

One thing I've learned is I freaking talk too much! Too many people know my business and I find myself retreating right now. Three people, no make that four people that I care about all have negative views of each other because of what I've shared! Do you realize how horrible that makes me feel? My best friend doesn't like "him" all that much. My sister got offended at "him". "He" doesn't like my sister because of something I shared that happened between her and I. My friend whom I referred to that I spoke to Tuesday about "him" seems to be the only one to understand because she's in a similarly confusing situation with a guy. Though her guy is nothing but sweet and complimentary.

Yet... "He" has started to compliment me more since our talk Tuesday night. Nothing extravagant or even necessarily romantic in nature. But telling me I have a nice laugh when I was telling him I worried my laugh can be a bit loud. He also went out of his way to say I had a great personality. And that someone I was having an issue with at work was probably just jealous because he can't imagine anyone not liking me. He told me tonight he was glad I came over and it was nice to see me again. These things may not seem like much but sadly it's a big deal for him. We see eachother maybe once every couple of months. Yet I talk to him every day, multiple times a day. I left his mom's house and we text for about an hour.

Then I keep thinking... Is this what I want? Someone I care about not really making me feel all that special? Or should I be ok with the little things? We do seem to have a great friendship. I looked at him today, I mean really looked at him. Wondering if I could see myself with him. Part of me wasn't sure. Is this one of those situations I'm infatuated but if it came down to it and was presented with a relationship would I really want one with him?

I'm tired of crying. Yes... I've cried the last couple of times I've been torn. This doesn't seem normal. I was on the verge of crying on my way over to "his" mom's house. I was upset because of him not coming over to my house because my sister was over at my place. I wondered if I was doing the right thing by giving in to his decision to have me go over to his mom's house. (I did that with an ex and it was a huge mistake) I felt like I was just settling. Feeding into his bad behavior. Yet I wanted to see him. ARGH! I'm so frustrated. Should I really be frustrated? Whenever I'm with him I'm happy and I forget all of this! But as soon as I'm thinking about it, i'm pissed. Not necessarily at him, but at myself.

Like tomorrow... I suggested he come down to my work early so we could hang out before he had to pick up some relatives at the airport by my work. He said he had tentative plans with another friend of his. I told him no worries and when I was telling him goodnight I told him to give me a call if he was able to hang out otherwise I'd just head home after work. He then comes back asking me to text him after I got off of work. Why couldn't he just call me? It's almost like he has to be in control. But of even something that simple?

It's so sad. I talk to my friends and they all say he sounds like a big jerk. Yet I defend him and realize I somehow haven't conveyed how he makes me feel the other times. How can I be so pulled to this guy that I can't seem to get my friends to think is a decent guy? Sigh... I think I've shared all that I can share. I need to get to bed and I'm sure I will sleep thinking of him, tossing and turning like I have for the last week. blah!