Switch is still flipped

Almost a month later and the switch is still flipped. There is something comforting about that.

Work has been insane. I haven't felt like I can catch my breath in weeks. I'm even working over time this week to try and catch up. Today I feel a little less stressed but the work is still there. I keep thinking to myself I'm only one person. The girls from the local office seem to want to give me all the work they were covering and I'm not up here full time yet. So I'm feeling a little overwhelmed.

No time to flirt. No time to bullshit with Obsession. That could be part of the reason the switch is still flipped. But our conversations are still good. There's just not such an urgency to reach out to him. Though this morning I called him at work to find out how his Superbowl weekend was. He went to Vegas with the family. We BS'd a little. He asked when I was gonna be down again. Turns out tomorrow he's not going to be in the same office. So I won't see him all week. Though luckily I've talked to him a couple of times. But really the lack of urgency is the biggest change. I used to lose sleep, heart racing, constant thinking about him. He still pops into my head more than most people but nothing like it was.

Every morning I've been putting on the Full Armor of God. In the part of the Shield of Faith my prayer goes over my current temptations. Obsession, Gluttony and Lack of Organization at work have been my constant prayer since I started. Obsession and Lack of Organization is getting better. I'm currently still working on gluttony. But I hope to make some progress this month and start a new program once I can afford the groceries. Right now I'm just cutting back on sugar, trying to avoid carbs, drinking my water and taking vitamins. So we'll see how it goes.

Things are going well with my Husband Creature. He and I have been getting along really well. Last night he was edgy but I think we were both really tired. But we have some time Friday. My parents are going to pick up my Stinker Creature and keep him for a few hours. So I'm looking forward to having time with my Husband Creature. Cuddle time without a little person trying to get in the middle.

Last night I was watching Grimm and ironically the episode occurred on February 5th, 2016 which was exactly 3 years prior. Then, I see "the actor" as an extra on the show! I was blown away. I got all excited! I couldn't believe it. I was pointing him out to my Husband Creature and then realized, oh weird. I had sex with that guy. Did I tell my husband that?! lol It was awkward. I suddenly got quiet and blushed... Not sure why. It was well before I met Husband Creature but it felt awkward being so excited to see someone on tv and then remembering I'd slept with them! lol

I think I need counseling

So... I'm not sure where to go with all this. I'm wondering if I need some counseling. I'm not sure why I'm in this self destructive mode. Honestly I'm not sure how self destructive it is. In fact I'm quite confused about things right now. I think that's why I feel the need to talk to someone, someone not in my life, someone who won't be so shocked by my behavior or impacted by my behavior. Someone who can give me an objective view of my actions and what could be going on deeper inside to make sense of it all.

The thing is, my sexual lifestyle has dramatically changed in the last 6 months! I mean drastically! And surprisingly it's exactly the 6 month mark. Maybe this is a good thing, maybe this means I'm done. Hopefully I got it out of my system and I won't feel like such a slut.

I'm not sure what's going on. I've never been one to sleep around, yet I've also never had the opportunities like I do now. I guess I should share what I'm talking about before you think I've slept with a different guy every day of the week. The thing is, I haven't! In fact, my list of sex partners now reaches 5 and this bothers me greatly because two were added within the last couple of months. By normal standards this isn't shocking, but for me it is.

So we all know my first partner was my Ex. He and I were in a relationship for months before I decided to go forward with losing my virginity. That was back when I was 24. I'm now 32. Wow I've never talked about my First Boyfriend on this thing!? Either way, my first ever boyfriend and I did everything but intercourse so if you wanted to argue he was a partner then fine the list goes up to 6. Then I screwed up and slept with Burbank back in 2007. It was a long time before I had sex again. Well over a year!

It was with the Drummer back in October of 2009. As I've made it clear, he and I tried to be good but we kept going. Then I made the mistake of sleeping with The Actor in late February of this year, 2010. Here's where my behavior gets weird.... I slept with The Actor not thinking anything was going to happen with the Drummer ever again. The Drummer and I had been avoiding each other ever since he treated me like crap on his birthday.

So March 26th I hung out with the Actor again when he came down for a movie he was the lead in. I told him we weren't going to have sex and if he didn't want to hang out then I'd be ok with that. He still came over, but I could tell he was pissed. We slept in the same bed and I found it difficult not to go for it... And sure enough in the morning I said screw it, and went for it. It was miserable. We never even kissed it wasn't even satisfying. Blah... So I was disappointed in myself, and felt gross.

That day I get a text from my bossom buddy who reminded me I was supposed to go to a show with her that night and that our designated driver was The Drummer!!! I totally spaced this show. Well it was a fantastic night. The Drummer was all sorts of adorable and attentive with me. And I got plastered! We joked around and made plans to have sex that night. I wasn't thinking about the fact that I had slept with someone just that morning. By the time we got back to The Drummer's place, it hadn't even been 24 hours since I'd had sex with another man!

This concept seemed so foreign to me that I thought it would never happen to me! I was shocked! But The Drummer means so much more to me, and the sex is just so fantastic it's hard not to do it when I have the chance. Before you think I'm a cheap whore, you may be glad to know I talked to the Drummer about how he treated me on his birthday before we had sex. Sure enough he felt really bad, he hadn't remembered what he said. The night was incredible, intense as usual and very intimate. We fell asleep and he woke me up in the middle of the night to go at it again. It was rough and intense and he even bit on my neck so hard I got a bruise that lasted a week! It was awesome!

I woke up and went to church and realized the concept of sleeping with two men in less then 24 hours was not a good thing. That I had a serious problem. The idea of sleeping with the Actor again was just silly. There's no chance of that happening again. In fact, I really don't ever expect to hang out with him when he comes down again.

So The Setup at this point has been really confusing. I got a text from The Setup like Saturday when I was visiting my brother in the hospital and he wants to get together soon, we've set tentative plans for Sunday but I'm definitely not holding my breath!

I don't regret sleeping with The Drummer. He and I truly care about each other. The Actor is a horrible partner and well he doesn't even care about me nor do I care about him!

Since the 27th though I have found out The Drummer is now seeing someone. He wouldn't sleep with me at the last show and that's when I found out. I walked into the garage where he was talking to her. I felt completely uncomfortable. I told him so, and he admitted to being uncomfortable about hearing about The Setup at the St Patty's Day show I was at.

It was sweet. He talked about how much he cared about me, when I said we both knew it could never turn into a relationship he corrected me and said it could have, but that it wasn't probably going to be till death do us part. That if he were able to join my church then that's all it would need to work, but that he didn't think he could do that but if he could, we'd get married and my brother would just have to be ok with that. I was really surprised by this admittance but one thing I will say about The Drummer is that he does care about me. No matter what these other guys make me feel. The Drummer really does make me feel loved and cared for... Even if it's dysfunctional.

So... I've been living life. Not thinking about anyone or anything. Not worried about a relationship, or the concept of sleeping with someone or how long it will be before I will find someone. I've just been happy. Dealing with school, my brothes illness and work!

Burbank came up this week to get some stuff out of my garage. He kind of hinted that he wanted to fool around but I wasn't having any of it.

So I went up to San Francisco for work Sunday - Wednesday. I guess I should give some background to this new guy. He's my coworker, and one of my friends labeled him for me as: Latin Lover, so that's his nickname.

Either way I got this job back in February, I immediately noticed him and was immediately intimidated by him. It took me a while to get comfortable enough to start getting to know him. We moved to a new office shortly after I was hired and it was there that we found our musical tastes match! It was our starting point. I was immediately drawn to him. He's very good looking. I wanted to get to know him better but wasn't sure how. He was fairly quiet and reserved.

As time went on Latin Lover and I got to know each other more. He played me one of his songs, he plays the guitar and sings and I seriously told my friend after leaving that night that I got weak in the knees and told her I was in trouble. That was the point that I realized I really liked him and that I would have to keep a level head not to let the crush get out of control.

Back to my San Francisco trip. We all go, our entire office. Latin Lover and another guy flew along with the boss, and me and two of my other coworkers drove up. We all stayed at the same hotel but we were all on different floors.

Either way the first night it seemed like Latin Lover wanted to hang out with me. He'd been drinking. And the sexual tension was definitely there. At one point we went out for alcohol and our coworkers I think wondered what was really going on. Like they didn't really think we'd come back.

*** The above was written in late April sometime, it's now May 29th, 2010***

So lets sum up this story. Basically I noticed sexual tension between me and Latin Lover the first night there but honestly thought nothing of it. Then the next night I found out I wasn't going to see him and was actually kinda bummed, but made the best of the night and went out with my boss and another coworker. Turns out Latin Lover ended up at the same party. I was already drinking heavily and became extremely touchy feely with him. He didn't seem to mind, in fact he seemed to like it and became affectionate as well. I realized I was in trouble so I decided I needed to walk back to the hotel but he didn't want me to walk by myself and also didn't want to leave the party because our other coworker was having such a fun time. Latin Lover was so sweet, he helped me find a seat and sat with me for a bit. I started to sober up.

We walked back to the hotel when the party started to die down. I got back to my room and sure enough he got online and we started chatting. I noticed he seemed to make an excuse to come to my room, which was because I needed water and hadn't gotten any and I would need it to help with the hangover. So because he "cared" he was bringing me some. He comes to my room, I feel awkward because I'm in pjs, no makeup and trying desperately to be a good girl. He leaves and I take a BIG sigh of relief.

Then we get back online together chatting it up and then I make the silly choice to let him know I was proud of myself for being good. He asked me howso and when I told him that I didn't attack him like I wanted to he asked why not, I told him I didn't want to embarrass myself or make him have to push me away, jokingly. He then tells me he forgot something and before I knew it he was back at my door knocking.

My mouth dropped open, my heart was pounding, he stood to the side of the door when I looked out but when I opened the door he came in, the door shut loudly and I was embarrassed by that and when I leaned back he came forward and I remember saying something about being bad, he said that I was being bad as he grabbed my face and started kissing me. It was intense and I was in shock the entire time. I couldn't believe it was happening.

We went all the way. I felt uncomfortable as soon as I realized what we'd done. He was a coworker, he had a girlfriend. Two VERY big reasons why I should have kept myself from letting this happen. I felt a little cheap too. He wanted to get up right away and leave. I realize he had his own guilt to work through. When I asked about awkwardness he said we were both adults and we should be fine.

The rest of the trip we treated eachother like nothing happened. Still to this day we've only discussed it once! In that discussion we were able to share that we both felt it was a mistake. I was relieved for a time. Then there would be those random moments at work where I'd feel that electricity and it sucks! The look in his eyes, so intense. I can't ask him how he's feeling, because I don't want to continue on that path! Part of me does, another part knows it would be unhealthy.

We're trying to be friends. It appears to be working. I have moments where it's really hard on me. I sometimes wonder if its healthy to try to be friends. Sometimes I just wish I could ask him how he feels about me, have him tell me he could care less about me and maybe that would help. Another part knows he does care about me, not enough to make a relationship between he and I though. So why put that uncomfortableness between the two of us?

This last week I went through a rough time of it. The next post was written during the breakdown of that week. I still have no idea what's going to happen between Latin Lover and I. I think we're on the road to putting our stupidity behind us. My crush is manageable at the moment. He seems to be working things out with his girlfriend. And for now that's what's important.

well, well, well...

The Drummer - Well he flaked on me. I called him out on it, not rudely, just told him I was surprised I hadn't heard back from him since we did make plans to hang out. He said he was feeling worn down so he stayed in bed all day, which means he was too drunk to think straight. I had heard he was doing better but for some reason I just have a hard time believing that. He said he was sorry he flaked on me and that he wouldn't make a habit out of it. I think it was for the best. I wasn't doing well yesterday and I think I was too weak to fight any urges.

I had gone to the local bar by his house and my good friend, the girl I clicked with, I guess I can call her bossom buddy lol, well she's the bartender and didn't like that this is the 3rd or 4th time I've stopped by without getting a drink. So I gave in and let her get me a drink. I could tell since it's been so long since I've drank that it affected me big time. I then decided to stop by The Drummer's just down the street but didn't feel comfortable just walking in, so decided to call and he didn't answer so that was my answer. I text him and told him to let me know if he still wanted me to come over and other then replying to my email I sent him, he didn't acknowledge the fact that we had plans.

Further proof he's an ass and I need to keep him out of my life.

Ex - So remember my last post where I mentioned my desire to contact my ex and I was curious about my motives. I knew there was an odd feeling about it. I took some time to think about it. When I realized what my motives were I got angry, not at him or necessarily at myself, but more the situation.

I feel the reason behind me wanting to reach out to my Ex is because he's the last person that I ever felt TRULY loved me. Who wanted to be with me, who wanted me to be happy, who loved me for everything that I was, good and bad. That was what? Over four years ago? I've dated A LOT since then and he's the last guy I can honestly say genuinely cared about me? Yeah, you can now understand why I got frustrated and a bit discouraged.

That mixed in with my disappointment that The Drummer never contacted me, and still wondering how I could have mistaken the connection between the Setup and myself. I just kinda lost it on the whole dating front. I was pissed.

I went over to my parents for prayer group and no one else showed up so we spent the evening talking about where I was at emotionally. Oddly my dad was impressed with my maturity in realizing the true feelings behind wanting to contact the Ex. I am still surprised he thought that was mature when I felt foolish when I realized what the truth was behind why I wanted to contact him. I discussed my desire to stay on track. Not to lose sight of the goal to stay righteous.

My mom shared with me on Friday that temptation will come but it's all about whether or not I go forward in it. This has helped quite a bit because I get flashbacks of me and The Drummer because lets face it, sex was fantastic with him. Part of me wonders if I'll ever be able to match it. I know if I hold off on having sex again for a VERY long time, then get married it should change it for me because the person I'm with is in love with me. The bummer is, now I have experienced amazing sex. Ugh...

So anyways, I'm really trying to stay on track, to be a good girl. I was frustrated that I got a little excited about hanging out with The Drummer. Then I felt an odd sense of rejection yet again. Then I realized it's God's protection. He knew I wasn't strong enough to hold up against the desire. And I'm glad now I didn't see The Drummer. I will see him in 2 days at the St Patrick's Day show. I will take pics. I will go home because I have to work the next day. I will be safe!

After talking to my parents I felt better. I let go of my frustrations with The Drummer. I now knew I could NOT contact my Ex for any reason. I felt like it was time to make sure things were ok with The Actor now too.

The Actor - So I sent an email to him shortly after my email to The Drummer. I went to bed and woke up to a message from him. It was sweet. He asked if my ears were ringing again because I had been on his mind. He agreed to having a great time. He said something only slightly confusing "wish we had better circumstances, but for how it worked.. I was glad we had a little fun time... " I'm not sure if he's referring to the fact that he has a girlfriend or to the fact that the second night didn't go too well. Maybe everything. Maybe he wouldn't have minded more time with just me. I don't know. But I am glad that things are still cool between us. He's a cool guy. And though I may have not been extremely attracted to him, I'm now looking at him with more admiring eyes. I guess sleeping with someone will do that to ya. I guess it's good that I'm not fully callused from having sex with guys that I don't really love.

The Setup - So my day has been going well. I was in good spirits at work. Energetic and productive. I was enjoying my time working late with no one else in the office when he called! The setup finally called! I wasn't ready to answer the call so I let him leave a message. He wanted to meet for coffee this week. He was cutely flustered on the voicemail. I called him back after a few minutes. We pretty much set it up for Sunday but he will call me Thursday or Friday to set firm plans. I'm actually VERY surprised he called. Pleasantly surprised though. I will be curious as to what comes of all this.

Well I need to go to bed... Goodnight strange world

What the?!

So The Drummer has suddenly taken an interest in me again. Why all the sudden? I have no idea. But this week he's been calling a lot! One night it was 4 times. Last night he called me at midnight. Then this morning. He's asked me to come over and help him with his computer. I'm scared about going over there. I also feel like it's a good thing. He's hinted at noticing my lack of interest in hanging out. At the time he mentioned it I wasn't prepared to answer with the truth, I just told him I was working a lot. (sigh) Why couldn't I tell him? As soon as I got off the phone I realized I've shot myself in the foot. I mean I can tell him but I've lost the seriousness of his behavior. I do plan on being honest if I get the chance.

I was teasing him tonight and he suddenly dropped offline so now I'm concerned. Oh well... I'm still not sure it's wise to go over to his place at all, daytime or not!

The Setup - Well I definitely was right not to use the term "the one"! He has yet to contact me since our first meeting last Sunday. He told our mutual friend that he planned to text me and I haven't heard anything from him. I'm not totally writing him off, I mean it could be a new friend to talk to about the woes of Christians in the dating world. But at this point, I'm not holding my breath either. It's obvious he's (as they say) just not that into me! I am surprised he put on such a good show though. Why act the way he did if he wasn't all that interested? Oh well. Moving on...

The Actor - I've been thinking a lot about him. Not sure how to address the situation. I have some cute pics of us from his time here. I will post them but he's made it clear he doesn't want me to tag him in the photos. I'm guessing he didn't tell his girlfriend he was hanging out with chicks while he was down here.

I've been struggling not emailing my Ex this week. I don't know why he's been on my mind so much. I haven't heard from him since I met his wife at the reunion dinner in December. Part of me wonders if his wife told him she didn't want him contacting me anymore. I mean I knew she always had an issue with my ex and I staying in communication but it's just been an odd length of silence. I usually hear from him by now. I'm tempted to let him know about my brothers surgery, but then I am afraid of causing problems. Then I wonder what's my motivation for contacting him? Is it really all that healthy?

Anyways, I'm not sure how I feel about men these days. First Kiss sent me a couple sweet random texts last week. It's like, the moment I made the choice to avoid non-christian guys they came a running, and the one christian guy I met doesn't seem to want anything to do with me. Annoying! How can I stay on track and be a good girl if all I have coming after me are the bad boys?

We'll see how well I do. I have every intention of NOT sleeping with The Drummer when I go over there tomorrow. Well technically today. I really should be sleeping because its daylight savings and I'm losing an hour.

Goodnight

Recent Activity

I have no idea where to start. I guess I'll update on The Drummer.

The Drummer - We had an extremely intimate night in early February a week or so prior to his birthday with was February 13th. One where I was considering the possibility of a relationship very likely. But of course, the moment that evening/morning was over I didn't hear from him for a week.

I wasn't going to make a big deal out of his birthday. I decided to stop by the local bar he frequents because I assumed he'd be partying it up. I was right. I showed up early enough that I thought I'd give him my birthday wishes and head home. But as soon as I got there he asked me to take him home. He was beyond drunk. It was odd, he had a rough day and of course I was the person next to him so he took his frustrations out on me.

The night was not good. He was cruel, harsh and rude... Saying that he agreed we had an extremely intimate night but that's all it was. That he didn't love me, he didn't have any feelings for me. Then two hours later after sobering up a bit became horny. In the moment he started pursuing me for sex, I had enough wits to say it wasn't a good idea especially since I was the one who had my feelings involved. He then acknowledged this and yet still kept pursuing and I, of course, couldn't help myself and had sex with him.

It wasn't until the next morning that I woke up and felt completely and utterly disgusted and angry with myself and at him for taking advantage of me. I cried bitter tears. And in that moment my heart was changed.

I decided at that point I wouldn't ever put myself in that situation again. I realized I had fallen for him and needed to keep my distance. He wasn't healthy for me. I was hurt. I felt foolish. Even now, after a few weeks I can't help but shake my head at my foolishness. And for the first time since I've made the decision to stay away I feel a twinge of pain, a sting in my eyes, like I want to cry but he's not worth it. I don't even know if my tears would be for him, or more for my shame.

So as it stands I haven't contacted him since February 14th of all days. He has text me a couple times, but I think he realizes that I'm avoiding him. He hasn't even made any attempt to find out whats wrong.

I will be seeing him March 17th. So it'll be interesting to see how he relates to me. Oh I did see him the 26th. I was walking to get the mail at my work and he happened to be going to the salon where my sister works and saw me. He honked and I went over to say hi. He seemed in a weird state. I was casual and was surprised to see him but decided it's further proof I need to keep him out of my life.

I wonder at times if he's curious. Part of me knows he wonders what happened, or maybe he knows exactly what happened. I'd like to think he regrets his behavior but then again another part of me realizes that's just wishful thinking.

So moving on...

The Actor - So as I wrote the above something hit me about my behavior with The Actor. I think maybe the reason I behaved like I did was because I still feel a bit cheap about the whole situation with The Drummer. Maybe I just didn't care anymore for that timeframe.

Let me explain. The Actor came down from Oregon for a week. We set up a photoshoot to get him some updated headshots. We joked about hooking up when he was down here. And well it happened. We were shooting in Santa Monica, and he planned on coming home with me so he could see some of his old friends.

I honestly wasn't sure what to expect. I put him in my office. We took a drive and he asked me if he was in the doghouse for some reason since he wasn't spending the night in my room. I told him honestly I wasn't sure how he felt. I mean we had chemistry online and when we were shooting I didn't get any particular vibe that he was into me. He said it was because so many people were around and he had actually hoped I would be going down solo. So we talked about things, I admitted I wasn't sure where I stood yet. I was definitely tempted but that I knew he had a girlfriend and felt awkward about that.

Yes, I slept with a man that had a girlfriend. Ugh... Anyways, so we get back to my place and we're looking through his pics of the day. He starts giving me a back rub and well you can guess where that led. We made our way to my room and we had sex. I was kind of shocked with my behavior. The sex was alright, he was definitely awesome with oral. But the sex just didn't do it for me. I realized at that point that The Drummer had ruined me, for a while at least. That I would need to not have sex again for a LONG time to even somewhat enjoy it without thinking of The Drummer and my experiences.

I woke up the next morning and we both got ready for church. I felt no remorse or guilt over my actions at that point. We spent the day hanging out and only got a chance to visit one or two people. I drove him back down to his friends in Sherman Oaks and it was already arranged that I would be spending the night. Of course, he was all about having sex again. And I guess because I felt like I had already gone there why not again. Though this time wasn't as good. In fact, he was a bit of a selfish bastard and didn't even make sure I was taken care of.

I confronted him on this and he at first was very surprised and even called me high maintenance to which I laughed and said how is it high maintenance to expect to orgasm? I asked if it was his practice to sleep with women and not care whether or not they had experienced an orgasm. I told him I knew what this was, that I wasn't expected that he care about me like a girlfriend but to at least care enough that I would cum too. He felt like crap I could tell. He said he would try and I laughed and told him there was no way I was in the mood now. Though I was proud of myself for calling him out on his shit. And if other women have experienced it, I don't think he's ever been called out on it.

We ended on a good note. I was pleasantly surprised. No I did not do anything more sexually with him other then a nice kiss goodbye in the morning. We text a few more times while he was down here in California but I haven't heard from him since he went home. I see he cleaned up his facebook which seems a bit odd to me. But I'm curious to how our friendship is going to be after this.

The Setup - I'm half tempted to call him The One... But I know that's silly and childish. It's been a rough couple of weeks. Emotionally dealing with my behavior and the realization of my behavior sinking in. I have since rededicated myself to purity. The fact that I was so callused when having sex with The Actor, it freaked me out. I really had to dig deep to feel any kind of remorse for my actions and that's even worse. That's why when I was writing the above about The Drummer and realized I felt a sting of tears coming on, I think it hit me then that I really was impacted by how pathetic I felt that night with him.

So I've been a fool. I have officially slept with 4 men in my life. Two within two weeks of eachother and that makes me feel disgusting. And worse yet, I now get to start talking about The Setup.

He's someone a friend has been trying to hook me up with for the last two years. He's really shy and well I guess two years ago, right when she was going to give him my information he started seeing someone. Well about a month and a half ago she's been bringing me up again. She gave him my number, gave me his number and asked if I'd be cool with him texting me first till he feels more comfortable. I said that was fine but he didn't like that. He decided to wait to meet in person and said he'd come to a worship concert at my church to meet me. I wasn't able to make it to the February one, so we me this last sunday for the first time.

I feel silly because there was a moment early on where I eyes locked and it felt like everything else went away. Normally I can't deal with eye contact that intense and turn away. But there was something about this that I couldn't help myself.

He's very attractive. He's tall and skinny like I like em. He seemed to have an immediate attraction to me as well. I was busy helping to set up and I would look up to catch him staring. We talked with ease. He's an interesting person. He's been raised in a Christian home just like me.

It wasn't until my best friend came up to me and mentioned The Actor's name that I suddenly was hit with an overwhelming sense of unworthiness. Like he was too good for me. Here I was sleeping around with guys in steady relationships and he's being a good Christian guy. How could he possibly like me. I know that in itself is cliche and I did my best to fight the lie.

I was very interested by the end of the night. He asked me if I'd like to go out for coffee sometime and I said absolutely. I asked if he had my number and he told me he got it from Rashaell and mumbled something about not having his phone with him. We said our goodbyes, and he went over to our mutual friend to say goodnight. Apparently when he did he thanked her with excitement and she felt that was his way of letting her know he was very happy he had agreed to let us meet.

So I woke up this morning immediately thinking about the gaze. The moment we were staring into each other's eyes and everything else slipped away for a few moments. I then let my mind wonder... I could see myself in a relationship with him. A comfortable, casual but committed relationship.

I feel silly. Why am I thinking this? Is it because this is the first Christian, good looking, single guy I've met in like forever? Or is this because this could be something? I guess we'll have to wait and see. I've been praying and trying to hand it over to God.

But writing this post has made me doubt that God could bless me after my behavior for the last few months. Yes, I've asked for genuine forgiveness. Have made the commitment to purity. I've even been wearing a ring on my ring finger as a symbol to remind me of that commitment. Now meeting The Setup... I am more determined then ever to keep my purity intact from this point forward.

Junior - Ironic that Junior would text me today and tell me he was jealous of The Setup. He was at the worship concert and knew I was being setup and when he saw the guy and saw how interested I was, he felt jealous. I laughed because he and I haven't talked much lately, he seems majorly committed to his girlfriend the last few months. We haven't done much flirting at all till today. But I feel right now especially I need to be cautious of temptation. The enemy doesn't want me to succeed now that I've made a serious committment. He will try to throw things at me. I need to stand my ground.

Well it's late and I'm zoning. I should probably get to sleep. Hopefully my next post will be more positive and I'll have heard from the Setup! :)

The Singer & the rest of them

Dear Lord, its 2 in the morning and I'm wide awake! Didn't help that I had 2 jägerbombs when I was out tonight. But I figure it's about time I update on the many men in my life.

The Singer - is currently my lead interest. It was his birthday today, er I mean yesterday since its technically already the 31st. I hadn't seen him since September 26th when he told me when his birthday was. That was an interesting night but I'll go into that a little later.

So this afternoon I decided to call and wish him a Happy Birthday. It's been something I've been debating for quite a while but whenever I hesitated I thought of what Colorado taught me, if guys can't handle me being myself then I don't want them. So I did it, and of course got voicemail. I kept it short and sweet...

Hi "The Singer", I just wanted to call and wish you a Happy Birthday. Hope you're enjoying your day. Talk to you later.

As soon as I hung up I felt alright about it. I mean I wasn't sure when I was going to see him and I also know he thinks phone calls are so impersonal but I figured since I didn't know when I'd see him again it was ok.

Oddly enough though, I went to a show tonight of a mutual friend of The Singers and mine, and it turns out he was there! I was so shocked! First because I didn't expect he'd spend his birthday that way, and I also had heard him and another guy talking about going to a rave on his birthday which when I asked him about it he made it clear it wasn't something he was all that interested in doing.

But when I first saw him I was stunned and also a little embarrassed, I was wearing a cat costume since it was a mandatory costume event. I had cat ears, I had put a black nose and whiskers on my face. He was just in a regular sweatshirt. He looked good though. Really good. I finally got the courage to go up to him, the Drummer and the bassist (not to be confused with the guy I labeled "The Bassist") of his band. I could tell they were surprised by the costume but also thought I looked cute.

I got a little time to talk with The Singer. I guess he was shocked I remembered his birthday, he apparently didn't remember telling me. I got the impression he was a little freaked so I went back over and told him I hope it didn't creep him out that I called and he looked shocked and asked why would he be creeped out, but that it was just surprising because even his close friends didn't remember. I think I may have made some brownie points there.

As we talked I kept thinking of how cute he was. He was smiling ear-to-ear. My brother was ready to head out after our friends played so I said my goodbyes. One of these days I'm going to make out with that guy! I hope sooner rather then later.

I'm still so surprised by the timeline in all the events that have taken place with The Singer. I met him on New Years Eve. It was at First Kiss's bands show at a house. I remember thinking The Singer was cute then but he seemed a bit snobby. I saw him maybe two times in the first 6 months of 2009. And both times I wasn't looking my best. I believe he's seen me with no makeup on and my hair pulled back, the worst look for me! Well ok maybe I saw him more then that because their band came over to record and practice a couple times. I never felt as comfortable with them as my brothers band until their first show when I took pics. It wasn't until his band got going that I started seeing him about once-a-month or so.

June 2nd - His first show... I don't really know The Singer all that well. I (being outgoing) tease him that he should get used to getting his pic taken because when they make it big he'll have all sorts of pics taken.
July 17th - Take pics of his band's practice. He seems self conscious of me taking his pics.
July 18th - Big show with the remaining Ramones members. I got a picture with the band. I'm feeling more comfortable with him and teasing him more but nothing out of the ordinary.
August 11th - I went to a dive bar to watch his band and found him being more friendly then usual. I was laughing and cracking up by his jokes the whole night. When he first saw me he actually instigated the hug. I remember even sharing with the other band members that The Singer was in a really good mood because he'd never been so friendly with me. That was the night I realized how attractive he was.
August 15th - The Bassist invited me to their bands studio recording. I noticed The Singer made a comment about something between The Drummer and me to the Bassist. I remember thinking it was an odd comment, like he was very aware and paying close attention to the fact that something was going on between me and The Drummer.
September 3rd - He shocked me by asking if I wanted to go make out. Which he had apparently gone in to talk to The Drummer to confirm he was ok with the Singer making a move.
September 26th - He tried rubbing up against my boobs a couple times. Was more touchy. Told me he wasn't looking for anything serious in which I in turn told him I wasn't either. He asked about my brother and hadn't heard he was in the hospital and really took it to heart. Even said he was sorry and gave me a hug. Totally sweet! When I gave him a hug goodbye he held me a lot longer and kissed my cheek.
October 30th - He was flirty and seems happy that I remembered his birthday. But nothing more... We'll have to wait and see.

Ok so not that this has happened fast, but honestly if I look back at how many times I've seen him before he's made an obvious effort to seek me out is just surprising given my history with men. I mean it's not really 10 months, it's 5 events! Only 5 before he asked me to go makeout with him. It's still a low self image I guess. I mean I feel better then ever about myself but lately with all the attention I get from guys it still continually surprises me.

Well its super late and I have way too much to say about the others to post this... I'll come back maybe tomorrow.

First Kiss - I met with him Tuesday October 20th to drop off the pics I took at his bands show on September 19th. His work schedule is hectic so it was a last minute decision to meet up. I got there and he had a drink waiting for me. I really enjoyed hangin out and talking with him. We discussed a lot of random things. But we did start kissing and before I knew it, it turned into heavy kissing. I mean turning into possibly going to the bedroom kissing. He asked if I'd tuck him in, but again reminded me that he's a bit of a prude when it comes to sex but he wouldn't mind fooling around. He offered to have us do oral and next time go all the way but I told him I needed to go. I admitted my insecurities of being with him after he'd been with his ex who's got the perfect body and he told me he's liked me for a long time. That he wouldn't be pursuing anything if he didn't find me attractive. Which I knew but it's still awkward for me.

So now we're just waiting for our schedules to work out to where we can meet up again. Though he has admitted that if all we do is makeout he's ok with that. He likes me and enjoys hanging out. Oddly this makes him a good guy in my eyes. No pressure and all fun. I like this.

The Drummer - So things have been different for us. Some good, some bad. I noticed at the September 26th show that he and his cousin were a little more friendly with eachother then normal. It was something that The Bassist said that made it obvious I wasn't the first one to notice it. Knowing his past I wondered if he felt it was ok to be in a relationship with a cousin. So I decided to ask.

I sent him a text October 14th. I regretted sending the text asking him but was surprised to get a call from him a few hours later. We talked a little about it but his cell reception sucked so we agreed to meet to talk in person and I could tell he was excited to have someone to talk to about it.

I got there and sure enough he's interested in his cousin and she's into him. He wants to have a relationship with her but she's a little more freaked out about the fact that they're related. He sees nothing wrong with it and he really likes her. And to be honest it was a good talk. Though he asked what I thought about it and I told him I thought it was wrong. We debated it for a bit but I told him I'd have to think about it.

I felt the conversation went well. I could tell he appreciated that I was a true friend. He admitted he shared more with me then with anyone about his past. I was grateful that he trusted me with the information.

Then something happened... His cousin called while I was there and he admitted what he and I were talking about. She apparently didn't like that at all. She got angry with him.

Then October 19th I got a text from him at 1:45 in the morning saying "way 2 start stuff gosh darn!!!" which completely confused me. I sent him a text back asking if he meant that for me and he responded that yes it was but if I wanted to call I could.

We talked for about 2 hours about the drama of the situation with his cousin had caused him. Apparently another person told him it was the talk of the town. So he assumed I told people. I admitted people approached me about it but after he told me my suspicions were right I never told anyone. He was angry until I was able to convince him otherwise. By the end of our conversation I felt we were ok. We were joking and laughing about other things.

But I dropped off cookies last week and he seemed like he wanted nothing to do with me. He didn't really even seem to appreciate that I brought him cookies. I stayed 5 minutes and wished I never went. I saw him last night and he was nice enough but I was too focused on The Singer. The Drummer even thanked me for the cookies again and told me about how he brought them to work and the guys loved them.

I can tell with all this about his cousin it has made me lose my crush. It definitely changed my view of him. Anyways, I'm not sure where our friendship is as this point.

The Actor - We chatted the other day and the conversation turned sexual. He is looking forward to meeting in person. It was odd. He said he missed me. I'm a little unsure of what I feel about that. We barely know eachother. I also found out he's in a relationship! He says it's an open relationship but something tells me he's a womanizer and the relationship is only open because she's willing to take him back or let him cheat (I guess that is kind of what an open relationship is huh?). He has two kids with her too. I decided I have no problem flirting with him but I will never take him very seriously. He thinks we'd be good friends with benefits if he lived in California. He's planning on coming down soon and says he plans on being all over me while he's down here. (Sigh) Part of me thinks yes, another part thinks I'll be too busy thinking about his girlfriend and kids to think he's being honest about the open relationship.

Junior - So after the pic he's pulled away again. He's still sweet and sends texts now and then.

Fresno - Has moved back down to So Cal and wants to get together. He got a job so I'm not sure when we'll meet up. He wants to know what my schedule is like and I'm curious to see him but still unsure if I even want to meet up with him yet.

Seattle - He and I haven't emailed in quite a few months. I finally took the time to email him Friday early evening and was shocked to get a reply that same night. He has been wanting to email me too but has been really busy. I knew he was studying for a big test. I sometimes think of him as my reminder that I want to wait around for a guy like him, especially after dealing with the men I have in my life.

Washington - I sent him naked pics! Yes, you read that right. He said he's never received them so I decided why not!? I still can't believe I did it. But he was very impressed! I mean I've lost a lot of weight so I feel better about my body but it's nowhere near where I want it to be. He made me feel that I shouldn't worry about my body and that it was fine exactly as it is.

He and I have talked about our attraction. I know it's all about his personality. I haven't received many pics but he doesn't seem to be my type physically. He's funny though. And we have a great time, especially now that he isn't with the girl from Utah anymore.

Vegas - Still pursues me quite a bit. I still really regret not sleeping with him when I had the chance. I look back and realize that God must have set up the timeline for where I was mentally to save me from becoming a slut. I know this may sound funny but it's true. I still want him and if we lived closer that would be an interesting situation.

The Drummer and I have been texting and we just decided to meet up. So I'm heading off. I still need to send updates for a few more guys... Sadly there isn't much to report. Computer Geek is too busy these days. I was hoping to see Burbank soon but his finances have delayed his visit to Cali. He still talks about us hooking up whenever we talk on the phone. I think both of us are curious for another go. Geek Photographer and I have been talking quite a bit, even doing more photography things together. It's been cool. Older Guy has also been too busy to really get together. He wants to meet for drinks one of these days but that hasn't happened. Ok so I'm off for now.

When it rains it pours...

So when it rains it pours. All the same week the drummer hit on me. I must have had some aura go out into the universe to let guys know I was horny.

Junior - We were sitting in church a couple weeks ago. His girlfriend wasn't there because she was working. He sends me a text about the message and then it starts somewhere in the middle of the service...

Junior: Haha first im thinkin you sure are purty and I wnder if uve had any dreams lately and i'm thinking i just got convicted on tithing. :-(
Me: Haha :-D well now I'm blushing! And sadly no dreams like that ;-) not recently anyways....

Then after the service...

Junior: Do u want to cme to the bac room wit me? ;-)
Me: Be right there! Oh darn mike's back there!
Junior: Not any more.

It never worked out for me to get back there but when he walked by me he gave me a huge grin. Then as we were leaving he was hugging everyone goodbye and passed right by me. I made him give me a hug before he left then received another text shortly after he drove away.

Junior: I didn't kno if i could control myself if I hugged u lol!
Me: Haha what would you have done if I really showed up in the back room?! You are such a tease!
Junior: Hah idk it was kinda spure of the moment so whatever came to mind first ;-)
Me: Haha now that could have been fun! :-D
Junior: Definitely! We could have even locked the door! hehe
Me: Ooooh now you're definitely giving me material for some dreams lol!!! So naughty ;-) But do the dreams count if I'm still awake? ;-) lol
Junior: Lol ur a funny funny girl! I love it!
Me: Yeah I'm also a bad girl! ;-) I'm not holding back like I should... Sorry I can't help myself... Hehe you don't seem to mind, do you?
Junior: Haha its ok u can be a VERY bad girl! Lol does that answer ur question?
Me: Lol! If I had the guts i think you'd have been VERY surprised if I did show up in the back room lol!!!! But alas I have to be good... 0;-) Maybe if you're ever single again hehe
Junior: Hah it would have been a pleasant surprize hun!!! :-) and alright i might have to become single to see what happens... Ok so now that u have me al hot and wanting u... I miss u "clandestine"! :-) :-P
Me: haha!!! You are SOOO not helping me think pure thoughts here! Lol!!! And I miss you too "Junior"! ;-) I'm kinda wishin I did sneak back there with you! ;-) but I'm all talk... I'd never make the first move.
Junior: Hah "Clandestine" ur killin me! I'm wishin that too! Dont wry that wouldn't have been a problem with me ;-) but i'm the same dont worry!
Me: Haha! What wouldn't be a problem with you? Making the first move? Or that you're all talk too?
Junior: Making the first move of course! :-P im sorry let me kno if i'm making u uncomfortable.
Me: Haha with tongue even!? Lol!!! :-D And I'm only feeling guilty not uncomfortable!
Junior: O im sry.. Even with whatever feels good Hah im sry ill quit it.
Me: Haha please don't quit! ;-) Well ok if you need to stop i'll *try* to be good.
Junior: Haha i dont need to well until sh gets here. I want u "clandestine"! ;-)
Me: Haha! Dito "Junior"! DITO!!! And honestly its quite flattering! This might be a silly question but how many other girls do you flirt like this with?
Junior: None just u! How about u? Well guys i mean. Unless ur into girls and I dont mind that at all trust me! Jkin haha or not lol
Me: Haha! Well the only other guys is the drummer. A couple weeks ago he propositioned me! Quite the story! But nothing since. Did you know i have a thing for drummers? ;-)
Junior: hah i kinda noticed lol! I just got an awesome tan! :-)
Me: Haha!!! Is it that obvious? I figured its gotta be about their rhythm. ;-) I'm bad i know! A tan? Blushing or what?
Junior: Hahahaha ur funny! Yea my whiteness is going away. Lol except below the waist. lol
Me: Oh see that wasn't fair! Now I'm thinkin about your white parts lol!!!! And now I'm blushing! :-D all i have to say is no one better get a chance to read this
Junior: Haha hah! i love u "clandestine"! No one will see it i promise! u too!
Me: Yeah no one has access to my phone. ;-) This is our little secret! I'm feeling like I'm in the wrong not putting a stop to this... But not enough to actually stop! hehe You are definitely sexy "Junior"! I definitely want you too! And havin naughty thoughts involving the back room at the church!
Junior: Haha i love it im soo glad we have a naughty little secret lol. Could u imagine if we ever ended up back there together on accident hah what fun.
Me: haha yup i'm enjoying it too! beyond fun! Especially if you make the first move like you said... Though my imagination has put me in the dominating role! ;-) Sorry about the delay ... my friend called! She's coming over to hang out tonight. :-)
Junior: That's cool i don't mind "Girlfriend" is heading over anyways. Im sorry... So whatchu guys going to do. Haha I would like it if u dominated heck yes!
Me: Haha thanks for the warning... ;-) I'll be good till you let me know I can be bad again. ;-) hehe yeah just imagine me pushing you up against a wall to start! ;-) And she and I are going to watch a movie and catch up. I'm going to make her dinner too.
Junior: O man "clandestine" ur really mean! I like it! And ill let u kno dont worry! ;-)
Me: Haha! Sorry... ;-) but i wouldn't mind if that role was reversed. hehe have fun!
Junior: Hah well see maybe.. Just remember our code word if were ever alone!
Me: Superduper?! Or something else?
Junior: That one will work! Love ya "clandestine" i kinda want us to be alone sometime! ;-)
Me: Love ya too "Junior"! And we'll have to see if that opportunity arises! Hehe it will be interesting to see if we both have the guts if it does happen! :-) right now i know i would!
Junior: Me too definitely! Im kinda excited lol!
Me: Is it wrong to say I am too? :)

I didn't hear from him for a few days after this. We had a church function the Wednesday night after and when I hugged him goodbye he whispered in my ear that all he wanted to do was take me to the back room!

On the 4th of July we were texting and apparently my sister had agreed to go with his family to see the fireworks and he made a silly joke that he "heard we might make o i mean see fireworks tonight?" I couldn't help but smile at the cheesiness of it.

I, of course, couldn't keep my mouth shut one day when I was at the church dropping something off. I had to text him.
Me: I'm at the church all by me lonesome! Even in the back room ;-) too bad you weren't here! lol
Junior: Dang i was trying to get off work to come see u, but my boss said i had to stay :-(
Me: Awh man! :-( That would have been awesome!!! Thanks for trying! ;-) i saw a car the color of yours drive by as i was walking out and i stopped in my tracks hehe
Junior: Hah one of these days!
Me: haha its a must at this point! :-P
Junior: :-D Definitely!...

The Drummer - I had randomly text the drummer a few times after that Sunday. He never replied and I finally gave up on hearing back from him. Since that Sunday when he propositioned me the band hasn't practiced at the house! We got our second noise violation since living in this community and our landlady said she will get fined if she gets another one. So my brother said no more practices for a while, if ever. :( I've missed seeing him every weekend.

I finally saw him at the last gig which was Saturday and he was sweet as usual. He apparently has been going through a rough time and he realized something was wrong when his biggest drinking buddies came to him and said they were worried about him. He had been sober a week and a half as of that Saturday. I could tell he felt good about this and I was really proud of him and beyond happy because I too had become worried about his drinking.

I had met his really good friend a few months back at my house. Well he was at this show and immediately we started talking. Honestly I got the impression he's heard a lot about me. Whether through the Drummer or the bassist. We ended up going on a beer run for the show, the show was in a courtyard. He must have heard my brother can't stand his friends hitting on his sisters because he made sure to tell him that he and I were going for a beer run and were going to have some car sex after that! Once we got in the car he heard a song I was playing which was a goth club song and it was a little naughty, so he said he was joking to my brother but now he wasn't too sure. lol He was quite funny and hit on me quite a bit. In my mind I was thinking, if the Drummer's friends like me, this is only good for me. Silly, I know.

The interesting thing to me is, I can see myself really falling for The Drummer. Like relationship kind of falling for him. He didn't flirt like crazy with me but he was very aware of my presence throughout the night. When I left he gave me a really big hug. He knew I had driven all day then went to their show so he was really tender and adamant about telling me to get home safely and get some sleep. I finally felt confident enough to ask him about the text messages and he said he never got them because his phone has been off half the time. I believed him but was hesitant to and he could tell because he smiled, winked and brought me in for another hug. I literally had to stop myself from saying something stupid like "love you" when we ended our embrace. Then he said they'd be recording this week at the house. It was like he wanted me to know he'd see me soon. Though sadly it hasn't happened yet and it's Thursday. I will see him Saturday during a shoot for his other band.

I realized the next day that I like him... A LOT! Like my crush on Computer Geek. There was a time I knew I couldn't have him but I wanted him more then I let him know. I mean sure he knew I wanted him, that wasn't a secret. The Drummer knows I want him too. But the idea of moving forward with something more serious with Computer Geek was definitely there. I feel that way about The Drummer. My crush has gone beyond my typical crush. Though I'm not naive enough to think The Drummer thinks of me like that, or even thinks of me at all. (Sigh)

Burbank - He called me when I was driving back down to Southern California, I had spent the weekend in Northern Califorina last weekend. My sister was driving and listening to her music so I decided to hold off on calling him until I was home. I ended up calling him Tuesday morning but didn't have a lot of time to talk. He saw me online last night and asked if I wanted to chat on the phone so we did. It was a GREAT conversation! I was laughing most of the time. I believe we started to talk before 11pm and finally I had to tell him I needed to get some sleep at 3am! It was so much fun. We were both enjoying the conversation.

He said after our conversation Tuesday he thought about my need to move somewhere since my brother is moving to Texas, and that we should get a place together since he's considering moving back to California. I, of course, thought of us having sex that one night and apparently he was on the same wavelength. He told me that after he started thinking about the idea of us living together then he realized we could get into trouble, but it might be fun trouble. He also knew my parents would never be cool with him and I living together, which of course is true. It was interesting to know he thought about us having sex again. He suddenly asked when I was coming up for a visit! I laughed and told him if the finances were there I'd definitely make the trip up there.

Through the course of the conversation I was surprised to find out he hasn't had sex since we did. I mean, for me I'm not surprised I haven't had sex with anyone since. But to find out he hasn't was slightly surprising. He's had girls come to visit him and I thought for sure they had since they would go camping or spend the weekend at his place.

I am curious if we'll ever have sex again. I know it was good and I really enjoyed it. But part of me knew it was just a one time thing. Though the idea of being friends with benefits with him doesn't sound half bad. I know I wouldn't want a relationship with him. But then I'm afraid if we continue to have sex it's bound to turn into more or my emotions would get too involved. I think he likes the idea of sleeping with me again because he 1) knows I'm open to doing anything sexual and 2) he was really surprised I handled our one night stand so well. He's a thinker for a guy. I have a feeling after our fun conversation last night he might be analyzing whether or not we could make a relationship work. hehe Silly that I know this about him but it's true. But I'm going to keep my distance... for now anyways. ;)

The Actor - He's pretty much told me when he comes out to California he wants to hook up. He also wants me to take pics for him which is originally how we started talking. We totally flirt and I had a dream about us trying to hook up but kept getting interrupted by people. Which I told him about and he thought it was great that I dreamt about him like that and said we'll make sure people aren't interrupting us when we do meet up. It's funny because that dream has a lot to do with that night the band spent the night. I was chatting (moving towards sex chat) with The Actor online when they arrived and The Drummer trumps anyone right now for my attention so I jumped offline to make sure to get my time with The Drummer. The dream happened weeks after that but still oddly symbolic of that night.

Vegas - Vegas and I haven't talked much recently. But suddenly he became obviously interested in meeting again and he made sure that the next time we see each other we're for sure having sex. Sometimes I regret not having sex with him when I went out to Vegas for that business trip last year. He's hot, no question.

When we were chatting that weekend we got into cyber sex. He took pics and sent them. I was going to do the same, I did take the pictures but never sent them. I know he's a male slut, and I'm sure he's slept with LOTS of women but I can't help feeling tempted to go for it.

Washington - Well he moved to Utah for a girl and for the last couple of months it's been miserable talking to him. He was always complaining and obsessed. I avoided talking to him at all. Then finally he made the decision to get away from her. Wow... oddly around the same week as all these other guys. Sheesh... So he talked about how he's put a lot of thought into our relationship and the possibility of it turning into more. He even said he was considering stopping through California to hook up with me and maybe move here. I told him it might be fun to play around but that I would never consider a relationship with him until he's worked through his feelings for this girl he was just in a relationship with.

I spoke to him yesterday and he seems to be suicidal. He's moved back to Washington and has no job and he's not able to stay with anyone permanently. I mean I know he's in a tough situation and I feel bad but I wasn't sure how to deal with a suicidal person. I tried to encourage him but he argued that there was no use in trying because his entire life he's had the wrong end of the stick. We talked so long my phone died and when it was charged I saw I had a message from him. Very sweet and nice about me being a good friend. But I'm still not sure I'm ready to talk to him any time soon. I will do my best to keep in touch and make sure he knows I'm praying for him but I'm so glad I never got too involved.

Seattle - I'm calling him Seattle because I already have Washington. Seattle is a friend from elementary school who got back in touch with me through Facebook. I only mention him because he's EVERYTHING I'm looking for in a guy... BUT... he's only a friend, and lives in freakin Seattle! We've been emailing novels back and forth since we got in touch. He's great. First, he loves reading my novels and loves writing back long emails especially for a guy. He's a musician, plays guitar. He's a CHRISTIAN! And I mean hard core too! He's single, never been married, doesn't have any kids. He loves the beach. He is close with his family. He's successful. He's great with his money. (Sigh) In all honesty, I've told him that he's given me hope that there are good Godly men out there and not to settle. I just wish they were in California and interested in me! Ugh...

Anyways, I think this is enough of an update. Oh, one last person....

Fresno - I went up to Northern California and met up with my friend Northern Cali, but also let Fresno know I'd be passing through. He was really excited about meeting up but it never worked out. His cousin had an emergency and they were all at the hospital dealing with that so he said he'd be driving down to Southern California soon and wants to meet up. It should be interesting if that actually happens. hehe

Ok so that's it...

Fuuuuck!

The Drummer - Wow! Where to start! I seriously couldn't tell but one of my friends what I'm about to share. Mainly because my entire family dislikes The Drummer, and so does one of my best friends. Either way, things with him mellowed out quite a bit. But I swear there was a dramatic change this weekend! One that means I'm not sure how we will relate from now on!

So the band came over for two days of practice, Saturday and Sunday. I had plans both days but I hoped I would see The Drummer in passing. So Friday, he stops by really quick to pick something up. Doesn't seem to notice I'm in the kitchen cleaning. When I walk by and wave he notices me and says hello but that's it.

Ok so backtracking here...

The Drummer is in 2 bands. My brothers band and another. Well his other band performed for the very first time on June 2nd and he told the band that no one but me would be taking pics for them. :) awh... So I go, take pics, it's a fun night but I leave early. I wasn't sure if I was happy with the pics that night but when I got to playing with them I was happy with them. I sent him and the bassist a text letting them know the pics were uploaded and to let me know what they thought. So I hear nothing.

Back to Friday. So I thought to ask him what he thought of the pics but he's busy talking to my brother. Sure enough an hour later I get a text saying the pics are awesome! :)

Saturday I had plans to head down to Highland to go to Music Man's gig and The Drummer showed up right as I was heading out. I made sure to give him a hug and he seemed anxious to find out where I was heading for the night. I got home at little after midnight and shortly behind me was the rest of the band, too drunk to drive home. He was all touchy and flirty. He kept asking how my time was in Highland. I seriously told him 3 times and each time he couldn't remember asking. lol Yup! Definitely drunk! We played a couple rounds of Guitar Hero World Tour and talked but finally at about 2:30 I went to bed.

At 4:30 in the morning I woke up to The Drummer's silhouette at my door. I know I didn't see the door open so how long he had been standing there I don't know. I was half out of it but asked him what he needed. Now this is all sort of fuzzy since I was so sleepy but he seemed to hesitate and said stuff like "oh shit, sorry to bother you. I was just looking for (insert band member name here)". I was like "um... Isn't he out in the living room?" He wasn't making much sense or I was still too tired to fully grasp what he was saying so I kept asking him to repeat himself. He seemed to stumble over his words and said Oh shit and sorry a lot. I finally tried to wave him to come in so I could hear him better but he wouldn't. He finally just mumbled while he shut the door. I was completely confused so I got up and opened my door. I looked and saw my office door shut which was where the missing band member should have been. I thought it strange that he would come to my bedroom to find out. I mean if he saw my office shut and was looking for the other band member why not just open the office door to look in. I kind of got the impression I had caught him watching me sleep which in all honesty seemed quite disturbing and flattering at the same time. I know quite strange.

After that I couldn't sleep... I had plenty of fantasies starting that way so it didn't help my hormones when I woke up to the vision I've seen numerous times before in my fantasies. So I struggled to go back to sleep for about an hour. I finally got a couple hours of uninterrupted sleep.

So this morning I see that The Drummer is gone. I had the impression he wasn't planning on spending the night, just sobering up a bit so he could drive home. So after church I get home and take a quick nap but it wasn't restful since I had one of the band members fiddling around with the keyboard while I tried to sleep. I finally gave up on napping and got up to make myself lunch. The Drummer showed up shortly after that with his usual smile.

I was washing my dishes when he asked me yet again about my time in Highland! lol So we were joking about him not remembering and I asked him if he came into my room last night. He said no it wasn't him, must have been the other band member (who he was looking for the night before), because if he had he'd have done the deed. And I laughed and told him I was tempted to text him last night and tell him it wasn't cool to tease like that. He said there was no question. If he had the opportunity he would have been on me in a second.

He comes up behind me and wraps his arms around my waist and whispers in my ear "any time, you name it. You wouldn't have to do any work. I would do it all. You wouldn't even have to worry about me." And I was like "did I hear you right?!" And he's all "yup! I'm not kidding either. I'm definitely tempted!" All of this was done in the kitchen where the guys were playing around on their instruments and couldn't really hear or see what was going on. I was laughing and he got a phone call and had to take it out back. As he walked behind me he slap grabs my ass on the way out! My mouth dropped! This is so unlike him! I mean he's a flirt but this is crazy flirting! lol

So he comes back in, walks behind me again and lets his hand trace my waist as he walks back to play. He gets on the drums and looks over at me and smiles huge and says, "I'm dead serious! You know that right?" into the mic. I'm just laughing and shaking my head and he keeps going with similar monologue. My brother and the other guitarist were disputing a chord change and he pointed back to my room as if we should meet in there and forget these guys. I laugh and did the head nod like yeah meet you there. I was done with the dishes I walk back because it's usually too loud to enjoy anything.

So I'm in my room texting my one friend I could tell about this and who comes in!? The Drummer! He comes up behind me again and wraps his arm around me and says, "we should do this! I swear I'll take care of everything". And he wipes his lips like he's made a sloppy mess. And by this time I'm turned around facing him in an embrace and he grabs my ass. I'm in so much shock I don't know what to say. I was hesitant and he seemed to sense that. He told me that he was definitely attracted to me and was definitely tempted to give up the practice to eat me! lol He says he's serious and then pulls my face back to look at me and looks like he's almost going to kiss me but leans back... Pulls my v-neck shirt down a little and kisses my cleavage! At this point I've practically wet myself and he knows it. He says he has to go but that he doesn't want to cause me sexual temptation and I give a weak chuckle and say "too late" lol He just looks me straight on and says he's deadly serious, any time any place.

I'm left panting as he walks back to the band members. I don't hear what they say but his response was "Oh I nearly had all her clothes off but she paid me to go away". I'm still in shock but am heading out to Geek Photographers so I go out to the kitchen to pick up a drink and he comes out there, all touchy and grabbing my ass. I told him I was heading out and he was all bummed I was leaving. He was caressing my waist at this point and then says he's upset I'm going but that it's probably for the best with another ass grab on my way out. lol

Seriously I have no clue what got into the guy. I believe he was still pretty hung over or wasted so I'm sure that was a lot of it. But anyways, I hear after I left he and the lead singer got into a fight about him being too out of it to play and he quit the band. My brother says he'll be back. I'm not sure though.

What's sad is during our first initial conversation today about my Highland trip he said he felt bad about wasting the guys time because he wasn't feeling up to playing. So whatever they got mad at him about I think he was feeling a tad guilty about it.

Either way. I highly doubt I'd let anything happen though the temptation is strong! And even if he was drunk... He admitted he's been tempted to come onto me for a while so that's flattering. But I have no idea how he'll treat me the next time I see him. He tends to be hot and cold. Today was a bit more heat then I've EVER been used to with him.

The Actor - So I have reconnected with an old friend from my first church I went to when moving down to California. I didn't know him well but we've gotten to chatting quite a bit. He's been playful and flirty in his chats so I've flirted back. Saturday night our chat turned into sexual innuendos and I could tell he was easing his way into sex talk. This is when the band came back too drunk to drive home so I had to rush off and help set up beds. I'm a tad nervous about our future chats. One of his comments made me think that he's looking forward to meeting in person. He lives up in Oregon and comes down to California for a lot of acting jobs.

So my question is, why now? Why so much sexual interest? Especially when I'm weak to avoid it being that I'm sex deprived myself. (sigh) I should get going. I have a lot to do before crashing hard tonight!