Husband Creature

The last three weeks have been rough for my Husband Creature and I. Honestly it's caused a damper to all the amazing things going on in our lives. My hope and joy is diminished because he and I are not doing well. In fact, oddly I've wanted to avoid speaking to Obsession. Like it's opened my eyes to the fragility of marriage. Husband Creature is NOT doing well. For a while I thought it was me/us. I think with all the stress we have in our lives right now. He just doesn't have the coping skills. 

I've been struggling... Like *really* struggling. It's been so hard to be around a man who tells you that he "thinks" he loves you and "would be sad if you weren't around"... He finally stated that he loves me but isn't sure about the "in love" part. I had to remind him that love is a decision not a feeling. 

But damn... Writing it sucks. These last few weeks I've been desperate, fearful, anxious, emotional, heart-broken. But in all honesty... I think my desperation is that I want it fixed. I didn't realize it was a long term healing process. I thought we could recover quickly and got so thrown by every-other-day being a different issue or it steadily growing worse! 

I think last night I finally accepted the situation... THE WHOLE SITUATION! That I may have to live in a loveless marriage until my Husband Creature figures out what it is he needs to figure out. I didn't want to step into this new season of our lives, one that should be filled with happiness and gratitude, but rather filled with uncertainty and a lack of joy. I fought it! With everything in me. I mourned it. And after 3 weeks... I think I finally let go of it... With the help of God. I have cried out to Him off an on for the last 3 weeks. Telling Him I just couldn't do it anymore... I've been mourning "us" and wishing, hoping and expecting we'd just go back to normal. But something broke in Husband Creature. He is not the same person I've known for the last 15 years. Something broke in him. It scared the shit out of me.

But then I realized... I can't force him to do anything. I mean "duh" right? But I was desperately *WILLING* him to snap out of it and every day that he wouldn't I was even more desperate. He says he's not happy. With life or anything or anyone. Including myself and our Stinker Creature. 

I believe he officially broke sometime between Sunday night and Monday morning. Possibly sooner. I mean we've been struggling for the last couple of weeks. I think he was holding on by a thread and so was I with all the stress we've been under. But I think the part in my Husband Creature that kept him loving... just broke. And I still don't know what was the triggering force. And it's crazy to think it's only Friday. I should be willing to give him more time. But I've had my own fears and concerns at what I think was the warning signs. I misread them to be because of another woman. Now I think I was just fearful because I felt him pull away. I felt the distance and assumed it must be because of another woman. 

It's been tough. But this week I've spent a lot of ups and downs... Crying... reading the Bible... Venting to people... Venting to Husband Creature... It wasn't until last night that I realized this isn't going away overnight. It may not go away before we move into our beautiful new home... And I was upset... Angry... That I wouldn't be able to go into our new home, hand-in-hand with the love of my life... My heart broke. I cried and cried in the shower. Telling God I couldn't keep doing this, I couldn't handle it... and He said He could...

In all honesty, we still have a couple of weeks. So much has changed day by day. It just feels like AGES! It feels like where he's at will never change. But I've spent the majority of the day in God's presence. Listening to worship music, listening to The Power of a Praying Wife, listening to prayers on Youtube, reading scriptures, encouraging biblical clips... Anything to keep my mind on God and all that HE can do, and not on my circumstances. I need to be prepared that Husband Creature may take longer than I would like to come around. And who knows, God can do miracles. But I just need to accept it rather than fight it and be miserable in the process. I need to learn how to love my Husband Creature even though he's acting unloving towards me. I need to protect my heart but not close myself off to him. It's tough to balance that. And when I'm not around my Husband Creature its so much easier but when I see him after work today and the extended weekend... Ugh... I'm scared. But with God, who gives me strength... All things are possible. I can do it. I will just need to shut up and pray for the most of the weekend. I feel confident now. Let's see how I do... 

I fasted dinner last night, I fasted lunch and I'm going to try to do a 24 hour fast. I have to eat for my meds in the morning but I can skip lunch and dinner and not eat until tomorrow morning. And I may do it at least once-a-week until this situation is resolved. And in God's presence I have found joy again. Peace. Confidence in who I am as his Wife Creature. It's amazing how different I feel today from this whole week. I want to stay in His peace. Lord give me strength. 

Job Offer

So I have a potential job offer... (Now official job offer). It's a weird feeling. Part of me is anxious to take the job, the other is anxious about leaving where I work now. And of course it means I'll be even further from Obsession. Which isn't much. I don't talk to him at all really. Maaaaybe once-a-month if I'm lucky. 

I left him a voicemail this morning asking to give me a call ... 

... Obsession called me back later on Friday (7/18/25) before he left work. We talked for over an hour! 

I shared about my job offer. He was very supportive. We talked about my house, my Husband Creature's potential new job, my son, my parents. He seemed reserved and then he opened up that he is going into a higher position temporarily and it'll be a great training opportunity for him. I asked if he'd be able to come to our house warming party when we have one (I prefaced the question with the fact that I think I knew the answer). He, of course, said no. I asked if there was anything I could do to repair that, maybe apologize to his wife and he said no, he'd rather just not deal with that. I was like well I'm bummed, I'd love for you to see the house and he was like well you can show me pictures! And I was like ummm.. How can I do that? I can't email them to you... ... lol and he was like oh yeah definitely NOT! And I didn't really remind him that if I leave the department it'll be harder to call each other. Either way, it was a nice conversation. I'm always still so surprised we can talk over an hour like no time has passed... 

... AND I was able to see Obsession this Wednesday (7/23/25). It was nice to see him. I didn't get any real time with him. He did give me a hug hello and goodbye. We talked about my house and my son a little more. He stood next to me a couple of times asking why I wasn't out there dancing, we were at a retirement celebration. He encouraged me to but then stood next to me happily watching everyone else. I was really annoyed. The girl in my previous spot says Obsession comes up to her and says "Well when Clandestine was here SHE would do this or that" and she just responds "well I'm not the one that has a crush on you! She just does it because she has a crush". And honestly I was offended. I did my job well. And there was nothing I did for Obsession I wouldn't do for any of the other people in his position. The only thing I did for him was bake cookies and make him a container just for him. Ugh it annoyed me. And then I think of how annoying it was for him to hear that. Blah! 

I'll miss him. I keep thinking if he's going into an Acting role at this job, I won't know his extension. I won't be able to really leave him a message. It'll kind of suck. I won't know if he gets the promotion he's been gunning for. I won't really have any information without asking people and I don't want them to think too much about me asking. *Sigh* oh well... People come and people go right? I need to accept that he will probably be a distant memory like some of these other individuals have been in my life. Colorado, Ex, First Kiss, Latin Lover, The Drummer... They were a big part of my life... and now they aren't... Eventually Obsession will be part of that list... *sigh* makes me kinda sad. 

Phone Conversations

So I've had a couple great conversations with Obsession. One last month (5/21 for about 30 min) and the other last week (6/10 for about 45 min). I found out he was going to be a Grandpa! I can tell he's a little bitter that his daughter chose to elope rather than have the big wedding. It's more about the fact that he didn't get to walk her down the isle I think. He's also having issues with his son. Not being motivated in life and acting like his dad should take care of his bills even though he's not going to school or working full time. I can imagine that's tough. We talked about Marco Polo. How I can sometimes go an entire drive to work recording a video and how that video can get played any time the other person has the time to listen and the app even allows for notes. He made fun of me but once we were wrapping up our long conversation I teased him about how long we were talking and he said he could handle 45 min since it was interactive. I said it was because us girls like to talk. He was affronted that I lumped him into "us girls" and I laughed and said I wasn't talking about him but us women in general can talk more than guys. lol He did not disagree. But it was a nice chat. One that left me with a smiling at the memory of it. 

Today I went to a different location and ended up seeing Obsession. I said hello. He was sweet. He found out I joined a team that helps fellow staff out and he was like that is perfect for you! We didn't talk long. He seemed to cut the conversation short which led me to not force any further conversation when I saw him on my way out. I just waved and said goodbye. Even though he and another coworker were just hangin out. It would have been the perfect opportunity to catch up but I'm thankful I didn't think about it till it was too late. Gotta run! 

Feels like a permanent shift

Even my dreams feel it... 

I had a dream about Obsession last night. In my dream I had to talk to him about a work thing, I felt awkward and shy like I do in real life. I came into his office, discussed the reason for the meeting, then talked surface topics, before I left I was hesitant but asked if he would call and tell me if an email was coming out with his name on it (meaning he got a promotion he just interviewed for in real life) or if I'd find out from the email and he looked at me and shook his head "no", and that I'd find out when the email came out. My heart sank... And I walked out of the meeting a little sad. I was frustrated that we didn't have the same friendship/relationship we have had in the past. And it's clear if I'm dreaming about it, even my subconscious feels there's a permanent shift. Our relationship will never be the same. I am bummed.

My Husband Creature said he had "a 20 min chat with your 'Sancho' at work the other day" and I was like "What Sancho?" and he said the only one you have... And then it hit me, he was talking about Obsession. I was completely oblivious at first... Then... self conscious! Wondering how they interact with each other... Knowing my Husband Creature found out he's my work crush and doesn't understand the reason I find Obsession attractive. lol I still think his reaction was hilarious ... "Why!?" lol 

Now that I've spent some time away from my "Obsession"... I have to admit I understand my Husband Creatures reaction. I saw Obsession the other day. And when I did, I enjoyed seeing him. He looked at me deeply when we were standing outside. Like he was taking me in. It was a moment but fleeting. I enjoyed our chat. Our catchup session. He seems genuinely happy things are coming together nicely for me and my Husband Creature. And I've missed our chats. I wanted to talk more. I didn't get to hear much about his life. But when I looked at him as we were talking I thought to myself... "Why did he seem more attractive to me before?" Maybe it's age? Maybe it was more circumstantial? Maybe the void I had from my Husband Creature when my obsession first started was being filled up by the friendship with Obsession and I thought it was more? Or maybe the void Obsession was filling made him more attractive to me? Though the photos of us together still invoke an emotional response.

Prior to seeing him that day I had manipulated time to be able to drop off some cookies for him and once I did... The feeling of dread and conviction hit me like a ton of bricks. I immediately asked God for forgiveness and when I saw him after that (I had literally dropped the cookies off at his truck, I couldn't see him face-to-face), I told him that probably wouldn't be happening again. It was too awkward and too challenging to get him cookies unless I was in the same building as him. 

And... now I'm confused again. I don't like how dreams affect me when it comes to Obsession. I need to shake this feeling... I'm going to let this out in the world and hope it's cleared my mind enough to stop me from doing anything stupid like reaching out... 

All but extinct

A little over a year since everything changed with Obsession. Our friendship feels all but extinct. Not sure how I feel about it. Part of me is grateful. Another part of me is sad. I miss it. Our friendship. Our epic conversations. I miss the anticipation and excitement of hearing back from him or talking to him or even just seeing him. I realize it's for the best for sure. It feels like it was a necessary step, to break the tie we had. I say we, not I... It was mutual to some extent. I know I was more of an ego boost for him but he still enjoyed my company and obviously I enjoyed his. 

My Husband Creature actually now works where Obsession works. They don't work directly together I don't think. But Husband Creature asked me who my work crush was, point blank. I had to be honest. I was embarrassed, and felt sheepish. He knows him. So I told him. He was like "Really!? Why?" lol Clearly he thought my crush was a different person. And I told him I honestly didn't know why. Husband Creature asked me if Obsession knew. I told Husband Creature that Obsession only knew that I had asked Obsession if he knew all the girls think he's good looking. I didn't go into any further explanation. But when it comes to the attraction, it just kinda hit me like a ton of bricks... unlike any random eyebrow raise for the other good looking guys that I've run across. 

The above was written before 3/11/25

But... Yesterday... Yesterday I saw Obsession! He was at my office and came up to my cubicle and shocked the heck out of me. It was so great to see him! He looked good of course. But it just made my morning. I wanted to talk to him longer but he had to go do what he came to do. He said he would swing back by when he was done but when he did I was stuck in a meeting so he waved as he walked by. 

I still have no idea where he came from. I'm in a different spot than I last told him. But he seemed to beeline for me. It meant A LOT that he stopped by to say hi. The last couple of times he's been at my building he hasn't made any effort. Now... would he have made the effort if he wasn't already meeting someone in my area? Maybe not. But... I'm thankful that he stopped by before he had to do his thing and I saw him without him making a point to say hi. I would have been super hurt. 

He asked how things were going and seemed genuinely happy that things seem to be falling into place for me. He's known a lot of the struggles I've had over the last 7 years. And I desperately wished we had more time to talk but... That's how it is these days. Our work schedules don't allow us to see each other often and not emailing or calling really puts a damper on us catching up. But I repeat what I said at the beginning ... It's probably for the best.. *Sigh*  

That's even worse

"That's even worse!" - Obsession

I'm still a little confused. The words keep repeating in my head... Days later... (Unsurprisingly *eye roll* lol)

I saw Obsession last week for the first time in weeks, possibly months. He looked good. He *always* looks good. I felt like I looked like crap but I had to remind myself it didn't matter. He gave me a hug. We did a quick catchup session in the hall and it was nice to see him. I tried not to bring anything up that would make me seem pissy (which I was) about the lack of follow up. 

He brought up how long it's been since we've talked on the phone, noting that it had been at least 4 weeks (In all honesty, I was surprised he had kept track of it). I asked about his birthday, and how his Grandma was doing (she passed), how work was. I shared that I have a physical address now, how my Stinker Creature started karate, how Husband Creature got a temp job at the place we work at and most likely will be working out of Obsession's location. He shared that the 5 of them went to Disneyland that Monday. I had to get to my meeting, he had to get to his assignment so he asked how late I would be working. I told him. 

I snuck out early to go to the main office he was working out of 15 min before my time to leave and 30+ minutes flew by as I felt him open up like he used to. We talked about a bunch of stuff. How his oldest son is giving him troubles, struggles at work. I encouraged him to reach out to his boss and get clarification on something she told him she would meet with him on. I told him she probably wasn't avoiding him but just busy. Our conversations are always so easy. I wished I could have stayed talking with him for as long as we wanted to but I was already working late, as it was I went over my time by 20 minutes. 

There was a sly smile when I told him that I missed him. His smirk made me wonder if he was just waiting for it to be said, or if he genuinely enjoyed hearing that I missed him. He said he did too. 

When I packed up to leave he said he felt good getting things off his chest, thanked me for listening to his venting about work. I told him he could always call me, any time and that I took his hint and stopped calling him. He smiled and said something about the phone log. And I said, well you can call me and he was like "that's even worse!" It stunned me into stuttering my goodbye because one of his staff walked in and he couldn't explain his statement and I couldn't ask. 

I walked out feeling confused. I mean it's pretty obvious he's concerned about how it looks to have my number on his call log so much. But would people really have an issue with it? Even with my work number? I started to think back on my last few calls and they had been from my cell phone. So maybe that's what he was talking about? Maybe he thought I meant to have him call me from his cell? I don't know. But either way, I'm not calling him. And it sucks. 

Cycling Through Emotions

Ugh... I have my moments... Right now the struggle to not call and leave a voicemail is real! It's so odd to feel like I have to hold back. I know one of the things he likes about me is that I don't hold back... But lately I feel like I'm fighting so hard to keep our communication and he's not doing anything at all. Part of me wants to call him out on it, another part wants me to just drop him like a bad habit. In fact, yesterday I happened upon a book on my bookshelf of Joyce Meyer Books "Making Good Habits, Breaking Bad Habits" and I've never read it. So I grabbed it and put it in my bag for work for two reasons... Well more than two reasons now... But I took it to get out of the habit of wanting to reach out to Obession and share my life with him, and two I'm tired of this weight yo-yo. I want to lose weight and keep it off. I think this is something I need to read. I may take a few moments each day to read more. I also want to get out of the lazy habit, clutter habit, not putting things back in it's place as soon as I am done with it habit, and the list keeps growing. 

I'm so tired today though. I can't keep my brain active and my typing is atrocious! I keep having to retype words because my brain is thinking one word and types a completely different one! 

It's Obsession's birthday. He doesn't really care about birthdays. He was raised Jehovah Witness so they did not really celebrate them. But because I'm big on birthdays, it feels strange not calling/texting/emailing him "Happy Birthday". But it's not "work" related. Even though I always send work people texts or emails on their birthdays, I don't feel like I can because he said it would be better if his wife didn't see any notifications with my name on them unless it's specifically work related. Makes me kind of sad. Then I feel like what's the point of leaving a voicemail? Does he even care? Does it even make him smile? Or does it annoy him? Does he get frustrated that I'm not getting the hint that he's just wanting me to be out of his life. And honestly I couldn't tell you if that's true! I haven't had a chance to talk to him! The only thing I do know is every time we have talked about it, he says that he enjoys our talks, he likes hearing from me, he enjoys that I don't hold back, he wishes he had more time to talk. Actions speak louder than words Sir... Actions speak louder than words... But... if I stay true to myself then I should leave the fuckin message!... Leave the message... But just don't go into the wondering if he's ok with it part. The fact that I think about it this thoroughly annoys the crap out of me lol 

Obsessing Off and On

If you read below you will see that I still obsess off and on about Obsession. Less and less often these days. Probably due to the Long Absent, Soon Forgotten concept I talk about below... Which means I live even less in his mind/memory if he's slipping from mine. Obsession still pops into my head more than he should though. Someone at work said the statement, "I live rent free in her head" and that's kind of how it feels about Obsession. He lives rent free in my head. It's annoying. It was almost daily. At work, it *is* daily. I have a digital frame on my desk at work that only houses photos I've taken with coworkers. I have quite a few of Obsession and I in our long history. I'm thinking I need to just remove his photos... Maybe... Eventually. lol On the weekend he's on my mind because I wonder, should I call? Maybe to catch up? It's usually more quiet on the weekends. 

Ugh... Someone shared this statement with me and I had to think of Obsession... "When God prunes people out of your life, let Him do what He knows is best for you. He sees a Judas before we do." And not that he's a Judas per say... It's just so clear that God shut all doors of open communication with Obsession. How many more hints can I take to STAY AWAY! There was something shifting in our friendship. Maybe it could have gone in the wrong direction. I still remember that photo we took together at Christmas. That I had invited another coworker to join us for the photo and he said he was going to honor Obsessions wishes and stay out of the photo. I looked confused at Obsession and was like no it's cool, you can join us! And the guy was like nope, I told Obsession I wouldn't. Obsession didn't argue. Which meant they talked about it at some point while I wasn't around. 

The last time I at his work location he didn't have his wedding ring on. My first thought was did he get separated?!?! Oh Lord, I hope not because of me! Then I thought, he probably just forgot his ring, no biggie. He mentioned something he shared with her on Father's Day which indicated they were still together then he said he gave me the abridged version since he didn't have time to go into everything that happened that day with me. Part of me wondered if it was because someone he didn't know too well was sitting with us as he shared his horrible Father's Day. 

He interviewed for a promotional position last week. My desk is situated where I get a good view of the parking lot. He didn't come to my area to say hello. I guess I can understand with the stress of interviewing but I was sad. The odd thing was he parked in his old spot, came back to his car, moved it to where no one could see it. When he came out of the interview it looked like he jumped into a car that I didn't recognize. My first thought was he met his wife for lunch to discuss the interview. Or... *IS* he having an affair? And his wife knows something is off so she was super paranoid of his friendship with me? Dang! talk about overanalyzing! *SMH*

Husband Creature and I are still doing well! I feel more connected to him than ever. Our sex life is great! We're in the process of looking to buy a house. It's crazy how expensive it is out there now. Houses we could have bought almost outright are 4-5 times more expensive than they were maybe 5 years ago! Which is stressful. Well honestly I need to get this posted. More to come... 

Below was written 6/4/24 from excerpts from an article article I read online.  

Long Absent, Soon Forgotten... Out of Sight, Out of Mind

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder... Not in this case. 

This implies that distance can evoke a sense of nostalgia, longing, and appreciation for the other person.

I do agree that the human mind has a very unique way of romanticizing memories that a person happens to be fond of, especially when it comes to cherished relationships. So when separated, individuals are likely to focus on the positive aspects of their connection, reveling in the moments they spent together. So, in the absence of the daily routines and constant presence of the other, the bond may appear more idealized and appreciated, and this contributes to the belief that “absence makes the heart grow fonder.”

The saying “out of sight is out of mind” simply posits that when two or more people are separated or disconnected, their thoughts and emotions concerning one another gradually fade away. So the longer one spends away from someone else, the further apart they grow and the weaker whatever bond that existed between them becomes.

Lack of contact can lead to a decrease in emotional connectedness and attachment between two or more people.

5/28/24 - Forehead Kisses 

Dreams still plague me. It's frustrating that I still dream about him. 

Below was written 5/11/24

I need to let go... 

I mean it's crazy... How much more can I verify how little I mean to someone? 

The above two lines were written April 24... Now it's May 16... And I just feel ... foolish. There are moments... Moments when I realize, for his wife to feel as frustrated as she is with me, she had to see something different in how he spoke to me or about me compared to other female coworkers. I *hate* that I can't email him. It changes our entire dynamic. I can't call him, he's never at his desk. I think about calling the main office but two things. He always answers the phone on speaker so I never know who's in the room listening. Second... what if he doesn't answer. How do I explain that I'm calling? I just feel dumb. And I wonder... Does he even notice I'm not around? I'm sure he does. 

Take Your Child To Work Day really ticked me off. Well I wasn't ticked until I saw that he took a selfie with a bunch of other girls, one of which I *know* he's attracted to. And I wonder, did he suggest it? or did she? And if he suggested it, why not get one with me when I saw him? Why isn't he getting yelled at for photos with them? 

Just writing that down... Takes out some of the sting... 

The End...

This is the end, beautiful friend... This is the end, my only friend... The End... 

Now that I've started to get over the struggle of being completely and utterly mortified. The realization that the communication will never be the same is starting to sink in. The realization that there was more to our emailing back and forth than I realized... As innocent as *most* of the emails were... I never thought I'd not have that opportunity. I've emailed Obsession for over 5 years.

Obsession's wife read our emails back and forth... ALL of them apparently. She was pissed and he had to reiterate that there was nothing going on. She was still angry and thought the emails were inappropriate and demanded that he tell me to stop communicating via email... 

His email cut me to the core because there was no warning. It came out of the blue. It was so harsh... I wasn't even sure if our work friendship would be able to continue either. 

Hi Clandestine,

This message is probably long overdue in all honesty. My wife read your messages directed at me in my work email. Although, I explained that it was nothing to be worried about, I must admit and agree with her that the emails were inappropriate from the outside looking in. From the perspective of a spouse, I can see and understand her point of view. I hope that you understand and ask that you respect my request and refrain from sending me messages via *email when content is not necessary for business. I know how this may be sudden and that is probably my fault for not saying something sooner and I apologize for that. Either way, I feel that you will understand and respect my point of view.

Sincerely,     

Without knowing how he was going to treat me in person I read the worst in that email. I worried that he was also angry at my emailing him frivolous messages. I didn't cry... I just took a break, tried to breath, and felt like a complete fool. My mouth went numb. It was weird. I was mortified. I felt stupid. I wondered how much she actually read. I wondered a lot of things. 

Then I realized God closed a door. And it was a good thing. He did it to protect me and my marriage. 

I gathered courage and called my mom... I was embarrassed. I shared the situation and the history. She was kind. She prayed for me. 

I tried to go back to work... I knew I couldn't reply. I knew I may see him the next day at work and had no clue how he would treat me. I knew I couldn't engage, that I'd have to let him approach me. I wasn't sure if he even would. I prayed and prayed... Asked for forgiveness... And prayed some more... 

The next day I went to work. He wasn't in until later. As it got closer to his start time I prayed hard for courage not to be hurt if he avoided me. I had walked out to my car to get my charger and when I walked back in he was in the office next to the one I frequent talking to my old boss. I freaked. I prepared myself for him to walk past me and act like he didn't see me...

But he didn't. He came to my doorway and I was already shaking my head, mouthing how sorry I was. He asked if I got his email. I couldn't even make a sound, to the point he asked if I lost my voice lol I said... I just felt horrible that my actions made him have to go through that. He said he had no idea how his wife was able to read all of my emails but he said... I mean she read them ALL! Even the one where you admit you think about me all the time. But in that moment he couldn't push the question of how but had to deal with the issue at hand. And I apologized. He said it wasn't my fault. I told him it kind of was. He said that it was something he could have said something about, but he honestly didn't think it was an issue. I told him how surprised I was by his email, that I kind of expected something like that would be a conversation. He said that his wife required it. That she read it to make sure he did it. And wanted to know if I had replied or if he had seen me after the email was sent. He said he didn't want to send the email but his wife was pretty adamant and he said she was his spouse so he kind of had to. I actually couldn't hold back a light laugh but then was relieved. I told him I wasn't sure how he'd treat me in person based on the tone of the email. I asked if he needed me to just keep my distance in general. He said this wasn't high school. That he wouldn't treat me any different and told me not to freak out. lol And he actually made that clear when I went into the main office later and he seemed to make a point to treat me exactly the same. 

He tried to tell her there was nothing going on. I guess she kept turning it back on him. That if he read the emails between her and a guy how would he feel. He had to be honest, he'd be upset. He said that he never engaged, sure it was flattering, but that he was always very careful in his replies when I would admit my feelings for him. I told him, exactly you never admitted to being attracted to me or anything. He said that's because he was always super careful and now he was really glad he was. 

And now that I heard his tone towards me I can read that email and see how he was careful with his words towards me. "Inappropriate from the outside looking in" Meaning he didn't see it as inappropriate from his perspective. He said he wanted to write "Don't take this wrong" but then realized his wife would be angry that he was worried about my feelings over hers so he had to write it the way he did. 

It hasn't been till there are things I want to share with him that I realize ... Damn... I'm gonna fuckin miss emailing him. Which means there was something I got from those emails. Instant gratification. He'd respond. He'd engage. I realize now looking back and how he treated me in person, I think he enjoyed our email chats as well. Based on how he would reply. We are so limited in person... This is really going to suck. 

Then I think about the fact that this is a door that I know God closed, and He closed it for a reason. There was something forming between Obsession and I that was inappropriate. Especially since I can't really see the problem in my overshares. I think because I knew even though I am attracted to Obsession I love my Husband Creature and don't want anything to come between us. So I shouldn't be struggling as much as I am. I clearly needed the distance. The separation. 

And then I think about Obsession's wife's perspective and think... wow... I bet her heart was pounding in rage as she read my emails. I wonder how long it took her to confront Obsession. I wonder how that whole thing went down. She will hate me forever. I will never be able to build a friendship with her. I will always be the stupid girl from her husband's work that was inappropriate with her husband. Ugh... I hate that. 

The above was written 1/25/24 5:27pm

So Obsession stopped by my door when he came in the following Friday. Which surprised me. He never really did that before so I appreciated the effort. In fact, I loved it! It made me realize that he wants to keep the communication going. But... last Friday his schedule changed. He works mornings now on Fridays. I was able to chat with him for a bit in the morning when I got in. I was happy to hear his schedule changed leaving him the weekend evenings to go out. 

Then... I had another gut punch... I will be done working out of his office (the local office) on Fridays at the end of this month. Side note: He's going to New York for two of those Fridays. So now, I get one more Friday to see him... Then it'll be hit and miss. Maybe once-a-month at best... 

I went in and talked to him because I was pissy with everything I had been hit with on Friday, so I vented about the other annoyances and we laughed and I felt better and realized again... Damn this is gonna suck not being able to have these conversations. So I asked if I could call him, or if I should just avoid him altogether. He said phone calls are tough because he never knows where he's going to be or what his availability will be. Thus why I always emailed him before. 

*Sigh* A new level of bummed set in my gut and I became really sad on Friday. Foolishly sad. Obsession said we'll figure it out, that we'll have to stop by whenever we go to the other's respective locations and I was like, when are you ever at my location anymore? lol I think in that moment I realized he doesn't really care one way or the other lol Not like me. Then I felt foolish all over again. 

This process has felt like a slow removal of a band-aid. I didn't get hit with it all at once. It's almost like God closed the door one section at a time. God knew how rough this will be on me. The big part was no more emails. Now no more time in the local office... Blah! But then again I realize it's for my benefit. For the benefit of my marriage. For the benefit of my heart. Clearly there was something inappropriate forming and I wasn't going to stop on my own. 2/6/24 1:30PM

5/23/24 - I haven't posted this for fear... Fear of what? I don't know. But I've held onto it. Rereading it. Embarrassed. Ashamed. But I reread an older post "An Explanation" and realized... The whole point of this Clandestine Blog is to be clandestine yet real... honest. I haven't posted because I'm embarrassed. But writing helps me process things. I have been a fool. I AM a fool. It's hard to believe it's been 5 months. I was correct. Everything has changed. I have tiny interactions maybe once-a-month at best. I miss him. I feel stupid for missing him. I go through a myriad of thoughts and feelings when he pushes to the forefront of my mind and then I shove it away knowing he probably hasn't noticed the lack of my presence. That it shouldn't matter even if he has. The distance is for the best... all around. 

Colorado

Colorado still pops into my head a lot. Lately he's been updating his background photo and the last time I checked he updated his profile photo. I don't understand why I'm still so drawn to talking to him. I was tempted a couple of times to reach out but then I remember my promise to my Husband Creature. Which, things are going really well with him. 

The above was written 11/28/23 1:00pm

Still with Colorado... It's been hard not to start a chat but then I think of having to let my Husband Creature know I started talking to him again and stop myself. If Colorado were to reach out to me I could justify a message or two back but it could be dangerous. The desire to reach out doesn't make much sense. I know he's a firm believer in manifesting and sometimes when these strong urges happen I wonder if he's trying to manifest us communicating again. Then I think he probably doesn't even notice my absence. Right? What he thinks of me is none of my business. I forget that from time-to-time. lol 

The above was written 12/8/23 9:55am

So I haven't been emailing Obsession. I did scan him a little note yesterday but he hasn't responded to any of those notes so I should probably just stop. The last time I saw him he noticed it had been a while since we've talked, it was only 2 weeks, but he made sure to stand up and give me a hug. I confirmed my time to be at my local office on Friday's is coming to an end. I think yesterday it hit me harder because I was on the interview panel and know who they chose and since it's an internal candidate it will be sooner than later. 

I just don't have the time I used to have ... 

Lordy the above was written 12/15/23 10:42am maybe today I can finally get through this post. 

So... it seems like Colorado keeps updating his cover photo every week. Maybe he's doing a photo challenge. But I am still struggling not saying hello. Especially since an ex-coworker now uses Google Chat to keep in touch with me and I see Colorado's chat history below hers. I should remove the temptation huh? 

Obsession and I have had a few interesting interactions. One being last Friday. I had a busy and rough week. When I came in there was no guilt in just sitting down and talking with him for 2 hours. He switched shifts with someone so he was there early too. So we sat, we talked, we laughed. Like the old days when he worked at my current office and we didn't have many interruptions. We talked about a lot of random stuff. We did end up talking about his wife. How he's concerned once the kids leave the house if they'll have anything left in common. I encouraged him to fight to find that common ground now while the kids were still there. He is really into wine. He says his wife is too but seems to make faces when she drinks it. lol He seemed eager to find a drink that I'd like. He found out about mine and my Husband Creatures "Intimate Mondays" and seemed envious, not in an inappropriate way but more wishing he and his wife had something like that. She seems to get frisky in the middle of the night when he's not feeling *up* to the task. He gets a little vindictive it seems. Going out of his way to avoid his wife and not include her when lets say he goes to the jacuzzi with some wine. His example is he will go get his swim trunks on, fill a large glass of wine, grab a towel and she asks what he's doing he says he's going out to the jacuzzi. He won't invite her. So she showed up 45 minutes later asking if she can join and he's like nope, I'm getting ready to get out. Seems a bit harsh. But I encouraged him to really seek out what she's interested in, he mentioned he should take her to dinner and have a real conversation about what she wants and what her genuine interests are. He doesn't know if she even knows. We had a great conversation. Then... others showed up and I had to get some work done so I left and we didn't get much time after that. 

The only other thing that did take place on Friday is my work had a photo booth set up and I had asked Obsession and another guy to take photos with me. At the time the other guy agreed whole heartedly. Obsession joked that he didn't want him to steal the spotlight in my photo with Obsession. And when it came to take the photo there was an odd interaction between Obsession and him and he said based on a conversation with Obsession he was not going to be joining us per Obsessions request. I thought he was joking but Obsession didn't object. So I just let it go... And Obsession and I walked over to the photo booth. I noted the conversation being somewhat awkward but it reminded me of the time we walked over to the same office for some coffee and Obsession seemed genuinely worried I was too cold in my sandals at work and making sure to walk between me and the outside world. Back to the photo booth, apparently I get a little cardboard frame to go with the photo when they get it printed. Standing for the photo, his arm was around me, his hand was in that awkward spot just at my bra strap and back above my bra where my back fat sticks out... lol But as much as it was embarrassing it felt oddly intimate from previous photos we've taken where we stand just side by side and he barely touches me. This time I felt closeness like he was actually holding me. He even mentioned something in passing how he actually held me for the photo. I can't recall the exact wording. I also asked Obsession for a selfie. Both photos he looks freakin great. And I look ... meh... I was disappointed in the full length photo from the photo booth because I still look quite heavy, especially next to him... even with all the weight loss. Though he is taller. But all-in-all it was a nice day. 

That night I sent him our selfie and thanked him for the nice time chatting. And that I could tell he made efforts to chat with me even when it was busy. I told him Merry Christmas and asked if he had a chance to talk to his wife at dinner that night about her hopes and dreams after the kids leave... 

Saturday on the other hand I had a lot of face palm moments. Moments I regret. Moments I'm just not sure how to feel about.

I guess Obsession responded to my email the night before within 30 minutes after arriving to work so that's not too bad. But he didn't touch on anything about his wife or their chat or our selfie, just said. 

Merry Xmas to you and fam. It was fun today, unfortunately this position doesn’t allow me to sit an relax much with everything going on, but yesterday was fun.

I had already had it in my mind to drop off some cookies but was just trying to figure out how to make that work without causing any issues with Husband Creature. ... Yeah I know... A clear sign I should have not done it. But... I did it anyway... And had to ignore a call from Husband Creature so he wouldn't ask where I was going because I should have been home getting ready for our Christmas event that night. Then once I got there I didn't have time to bring it in, so I was going to hang it off Obsession's side mirror but the bag didn't fit over the mirror so I had to set it on top of his truck and I know how men get about putting things on their cars/trucks... So I ran home... And emailed him a photo so he could know to go out to his truck. Then I got nervous he wasn't getting his email because of where he was at work. So I called... Spoke to the other guy, the one that was supposed to take a photo with me and Obsession but didn't want to steal the spotlight from Obsession. It was clear that when he found out it was me, I could tell he physically turned to Obsession who was apparently in the office and made it obvious who he was talking to... He was about to hand over the phone to Obsession when I said I didn't need to talk to Obsession but needed him to tell Obsession to check his email and I promptly got off the phone not knowing if Obsession had already checked his email and knew about the bag and/or I looked like a fool.... I felt so dumb.... My email was a photo of the bag on his truck, explaining I didn't know where to put it. Then the entire evening went by without a word... And I felt dumb. I felt foolish. I was ashamed. I finally got a response at 9pm...  

THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!

This was good surprise because I had to order myself over and work until 4am tonight. So I’ll be eating these cookies all night. AND they were cold…perfect. Lol

Thanks again, Oh….and *the other guy* thanks you too

I responded explaining more why I didn't have time to bring them in, and why I felt the need to call, lamented that he had to work OT, glad I was able to help and where I had just come home from and I got a one line item response and I dislike it when people say Christmas with an X (Xmas!)... blah lol 

So... Tuesday I get a snap from a friend at work showing me screenshots of photos from the recent work Christmas events and she sends me the photo of her monitor with the photo of me and Obsession from the photo booth. Wednesday I get an email from another coworker to both me and Obsession saying she loves the photo of us from the photo booth. I told her I made him join me. He said 

LOL…

She did coerce me with cookies! Mmmmmmmmmmmm….

And I desperately wanted to add ... You mean more like I rewarded you with cookies because those came afterwards and you weren't aware of them? lol but I kept my mouth shut... And now I'm trying to decide if I send him an email about being gone for New Years or just let it be... 

Spiraling is exhausting

It started with an overshare that I tried to clarify and got some genuine feedback that kicked my obsession into overdrive and my spiraling went a tad out of control. lol 

Basically I told him that I think it's odd that he resides in my head so much... Probably more than he should. And not that I'm thinking of him inappropriately (at least not as much as in the beginning of our friendship). I shared that I'm surprised and unsure how to feel about it. And part of me wondered if it was a one-sided friendship and how I felt it wasn't because I felt like he was a kindred spirit. That because of our friendship and my attraction to him I will always give him preferential treatment. And though I don't assume his view of our friendship equals mine, I did hope he valued our friendship and if I was honest part of me wanted to confirm he did. 

You really know how to express your feelings, I don’t think I am as good at that as you.

But what I will say, is that I do value our friendship and enjoy our talks so please don’t doubt that. Your company always brightens things up around here. I like the fact that you hold nothing back so just know that I appreciate you!

I think I've reread and analyzed it so much, it's memorized (Not that it's a lengthy response lol). It's the first time he's even remotely been straight forward in responding to my hope for validation... I'm not sure if that's the right word. I was pretty real with him. Normally when I overshare I get a cryptic response that I have to try to decipher but not this time. There is nothing I could potentially take wrong either which makes me really happy. Of course, now that I share it, it doesn't sound like much. But for me... I'm happy. I told him I really appreciated his response and that it meant a lot to me. 

Now to see how we interact the next time we see each other which should be tomorrow. ... 

  

Vibes

 So Wednesday of last week I received a nice email. 

Hey you,

I know it’s late, but happy birthday. ...

Forgive me if I’ve seemed distracted while I’m (removed). My mind is in a million places when I’m (removed). Everything is so disrupting, it’s hard to concentrate. Things are just different here compared to my (previous location).

... Looking forward to Friday, I’ll try to stop and take a breather then.

Yes, save your stories for Friday, things are much better in person, looking forward to it

Obession

So it's sweet that he would rather talk in person. But did it happen? Probably not as easily as it did in the past. 

The above was written 9/28/23 

This morning, there was a moment... One that flustered me a bit. Nothing crazy. Just a look. It caused me to fumble my words though. I could tell he was looking at me with a level of attraction. He's always complimented me on my moto jacket. He noticed I got my hair done. Which was surprising. He said he's trying to be more observant. lol But it was something more. He was trying to figure out what he was noticing. Even Friday we didn't get a chance to talk too much and he emailed me! Normally he just replies but this time he started an email to me. It was like two lines but still... He apologized for not getting to talk much that day. Today we were talking and then someone came in saying they needed to speak to him privately. I think she's getting annoyed that I'm in there. 

Then a girl at work said she noticed I looked extra cute today... With a wink. I think she was attributing it to a certain person seeing me today. Well Fridays we wear jeans and tshirts and I never feel very cute. Today I feel cute. :) 

Another shift

Things just feel awkward lately. I go through cycles... Like I'm over-reacting and everything is fine, then I get pissy that Obsession doesn't seem to give a crap about me. That if I dropped off the face of the earth he might notice the lack of cookies... eventually. Fucker... The last few times I've seen him he's been "meh"... I can't decide if that's because he's miserable at this assignment or if he's just meh about seeing me. The last time I actually talked to him he said it was nice to see me. Which felt good. But then no birthday message. Even when I emailed him about seeing him Wednesday but never getting to talk to him. He responded but didn't even say anything or ask me anything. Then, he did tell me happy early birthday. So maybe I'm just annoyed. 

Husband Creature asked me today a question that made me wonder if he still wonders about my relationship with Obsession. A guy from my new unit suggested I watch Rebels because he says I won't understand references in Ahsoka. I finally agreed to try and my Husband Creature has tried to get me to watch it and I haven't. Now I felt it necessary because I'm a little lost on some of the stuff talked about on Ahsoka. Well today Husband Creature asked me who was the person who suggested I watch it. I told him the guys' name and he asked if he worked up in the local office or down where I work now. I told him down where I work now. He knows Obsession works at the local office. So I wondered if he was trying to find out if Obsession is the reason I decided to give it a try. That makes me sad. But I was glad that it wasn't him who suggested it. 

Anyways, I'm not feeling so hot. I feel like something stuck in my right ear. And now my right side of my face feels hot. Blah... 

The above was written 9/8/23 before 4:00pm. 

And of course things changed since the above was written... I didn't realize Obsession was working the overnight shift so he got there late Friday. I needed his signature on something so when I got it, he shared about his fishing trip and showed me pictures without me even asking him. Apparently as he's gotten older he gets seasick, so he was telling me about his experience with that and how miserable he was but that he got the most amazing sleep on the boat. But that was all we had time for. I had to rush off. So we'll see how it goes tomorrow if I see him again. 

"Clandestine WILL take that personally!"

So something happened with Obsession today that made me wonder how I should take it. I was in the main office with Obsession at the main desk and others sitting in the surrounding chairs, me being one of them. He was busy. Phone calls, people coming and going from his office. We had a few moments to chat but kept getting interrupted but I wasn't in any rush so I just waited it out. One of our coworkers came in and said "Obsession is just wishing EVERYONE would leave this office". I started to chuckle but then Obsession looked around someone blocking our eye contact and said "I am not thinking that Clandestine!" And he turned to the guy who said it and was like "Don't say that or Clandestine WILL take that personally!" He pointed to another girl in the office and was like "Go ahead and say something like that to her but not Clandestine!" I laughed but then was like, wait, how do I take that? That doesn't sound so good. lol Sounds like he knows I'm too sensitive! LOL But then I mentioned it to someone else and they were like it sounds like he gets you. *sigh* who knows... 

Interview

So I happened to see Obsession here for his interview. He looked good. I haven't seen him in a suit. I hate to admit I happened to find out when his interview was and tried to put myself in an area I might run into him. lol I was not disappointed. He smelled heavenly. His face was nicely shaved and when he hugged me I could have sworn he kissed my cheek. Or if he didn't he was going to, the way he tilted his head. I don't recall what was said. In that portion it felt very rushed and awkward. 

Mervyn's "Open... Open... Open..." Commercials

I was walking out of my old office space and there is a window to the hall. Obsession was just coming in for his shift when he saw me walking towards the door. He pressed himself up against the windows arms out like that old Mervyn's commercial "Open... Open... Open...". It was cute and definitely makes me smile every time I remember it. He opened the door for me and gave me a hug. 

Later that day however was another rough moment where I could tell he was frustrated about work. He didn't use his code phrase of "Holy Fuck" which was the established phrase if he's not doing well and doesn't have time to chat. (Unlike the first time he gave me the silent treatment, this time I didn't take it personal. And he didn't fully give me the silent treatment. I could just tell he was irritated. That one day, man... That was rough. He wouldn't even look at me and that's so unlike him). Anyways, back to the present... I had emailed him earlier in the week, I think Wednesday, in hopes that email would be the solution to our lack of time to chat when I come to his location on Friday's. He responded to that email on Friday after he seemed frustrated and said he was sorry about earlier that day and explained why he was frustrated and then responded to the rest of my email. And we had regular communication via email after that which has been a nice change.  

The above was written 6/23/23 at 11:51pm

Man... So much has changed... I suddenly feel distance and it's from my side! Like I'm not ok. Like the Holy Spirit is convicting me. Things I've said and done feel so foolish lately. I'm not sure what shifted. A couple things I think. 

# One: My Husband Creature asked if I see "My Distraction" now that I work down in a different office. I told him no, he was transferred. He asked to where. I told him and he was like oh, so when you work locally you see him? I said yes. He asked if there is an issue. I said no. 

Side Note: He also asked if I have heard from Colorado. I told him nope, and I haven't reached out either. Which I was genuinely proud of because I have been tempted to reach out to Colorado and have made a point to keep myself from doing that. 

# Two: I finally had the courage to ask Obsession if he told his wife we carpooled for that work event and he said no but wouldn't have had an issue letting her know it just never came up. I suddenly felt so stupid. Like I'm such a bad wife. It mostly occurred the same way but my Husband Creature called me during the drive and since I hadn't had the opportunity to share I didn't feel I could answer without causing a scene since I hadn't told him. Blah... 

There are a couple things coming up that I may or may not reach out to Obsession for. One is I found out they're doing interviews for a position I know he wants, part of me wants to let him know I'll be praying for him. The other part thinks I should ask after the fact. And my photo was used in a Training Manual for where we work and I wanted to ask if he's seen it, in a playful way of course. 

Pencil Scar: So I'm not sure what to name this guy other than Pencil Scar. I apparently gave him a scar in the 3rd grade which he still has. The reason I know this is, he added me on social media over the weekend and we started to catch up, I asked and he sent me a photo of it! lol I had gone back to where I grew up in my early 20's and ran into him at my old church. I asked if he remembered me and he showed me the scar as the reason he won't forget me. I was/am mortified that that's the way he remembers me! Giving him a scar! I was mad at him for something and stabbed him with a pencil! *SMH* Wow... But he's a good looking adult. Healthy and active. But it also looks like he may not have a wife anymore and he didn't offer up as to whether or not she was around and I didn't want to pry. My guess is divorce. 

It wasn't until Pencil Scar came around that I realize my whole personality is a bit obsessive. Depending on the day of the week. It used to be Colorado, then Obsession, this weekend a little on Pencil Scar... Now, here's the thing... I love my husband. I think he's handsome! I feel blessed to say he picked me! So what is my problem? What is my need or interest in obsessing over other people who don't give two shits about me? Why? What cliché am I needing to correct? The revelation has left me a tad confused but trying to get to the core of the issue. Doesn't change my obsessive behavior just yet. I'm trying... 

Missing Obsession

So last week was my first week down at my new office. It was slightly awkward and I felt sad that I wasn't with people I was comfortable with. I had sent an email to Obsession the Friday before I left that was responded to in a weird way. But we've had a number of genuine interactions prior to me leaving that make me realize it's not intentional. He was probably just busy and wanted to at least respond. He didn't acknowledge anything in the email which I was hoping for a reaction but all he said is 

We will miss you Clandestine! 

:( 

Obsession

He found out the June 2nd was my last day there and he surprised me with a $25 gift card for Starbucks! He asked for my personal email address and when I asked him what he was sending me he said it was none of my business and I'd find out soon enough. And I got it a moment later... 

You'll be missed my friend. 

He missed the surprise farewell party at work a few weeks back because work got in the way. And I happened to mention the party and he apologized for missing it, and said he was still mad he didn't get to go. 

I had to call my old location a couple of times and ended up talking to Obsession. It was sweet to hear his excitement to hear my voice. He thought I was at the building and he seemed super excited. I had to tell him I wasn't but knew there was someone there that needed an escort through the building. I got to see him Friday which didn't go as great as I thought. But someone saw me talking to him in the main office along with another coworker and she's like "It's the Dynamic Duo!" And I didn't catch it quite at first till I the other coworker sitting with us looked at me with his eyebrows raised and said "oh duo huh?" shouldn't that be "trio"? And it didn't hit me till we had moved on how interesting he picked up on that. I don't think people realize Obsession and I are actually friends. 

Obsession made a comment I thought was interesting... About me calling. I told him and that same coworker I got to talk to both of them yesterday on the phone. The one coworker said well you got to talk to me twice, puffing up his chest. And I said well I talked to Obsession twice too. And Obsession said, you did? Oh well you called me just to catch up and not just work. That wasn't the case but he was saying it for my coworkers benefit because he was looking for his reaction. I already know that coworker gets pissy in a teasing way that Obsession gets his own stash of cookies and he doesn't get his own. I had asked Obsession if my actions are making it hard for him, he said well don't stop! And that it's because the coworker was just jealous and giving Obsession a hard time. And he asked if I could handle it. I told him of course. 

And sometimes I even get surprised by how much we're actually friends. Though I thoroughly embarrassed myself when I asked if he was coming to my promotional dinner some girls were doing for me at Red Robin. He said it would take some convincing for his wife. He said it would just be easier to bring his girlfriend and without thinking I said "Wouldn't that be me?" I turned 10 shades redder and my friends from work both looked at me and I was completely embarrassed and apologized and said that I didn't mean it. He said that things like that would be why he could never go. lol 

Blah... He helped me load up the last of my stuff in my car and as he handed me my desk calendar he was like, let me check if you have my birthday on here. And I said, I don't know about that, but I do have other things on there that have to do with you. lol He never asked for clarification so I never told him what that meant. Last month we ended up having a 45 min conversation on a Friday after I got off work with him venting. And I find myself wishing for more time like that but work hasn't allowed that on either side. 

Man... I need to be careful. What happened to avoidance? Ugh... 

Avoidance

So... After some time I have decided that avoidance is necessary. There is a level of intimacy (for lack of a better word) to our friendship that is dangerous and I need keep my distance. No more emails. No more stopping by the main office to chat... Ugh it's going to be hard. But I need the distance. I need the separation. The realization of what I did. The lies that built upon lies, kept digging me into a deeper hole. I love Husband Creature. What am I doing with Obsession? 

I shared with my best friend what happened. I needed it not to be a secret anymore, not hidden. And I didn't think I could tell my Husband Creature without making it worse. So she gave me a perspective that was necessary. Thankfully I feel it really clicked. It was a wake-up call. 

I found out my start date for my promotion. I was given two options and I picked the sooner option only to get me started sooner but also to get me away from Obsession faster. Today has been easy. He doesn't work Tuesdays. But tomorrow will be the first day with this new focus. 

My best friend asked if Obsession approached me and planted a kiss on me would I kiss back. And everything in me said there is no way! As much as I obsess, my fantasies aren't sexual in nature. My obsession is intense, intimate, but not sexual. So then it leans towards emotional... And that's the realization... Danger! 

The Drive

So I struggled with whether or not to tell my Husband Creature that I was taking an hour + drive each way with Obsession. Of course, Husband Creature wouldn't know who Obsession is but honestly I didn't want him to tell me that he'd prefer me not driving down with another guy. That's horrible I know. I feel guilty. And my actions gave him pause because he mentioned it later in the day that I was quieter than usual. At one point we were driving and my Husband Creature called and I didn't know how to answer so... I didn't. Goodness... Typing that out makes me feel so much worse. One of my coworkers said to just be careful. I had shared that I didn't tell Husband Creature about the drive and I regretted it and now it'll look bad. She said if the opportunity should arise again I should just... be careful. I told her there really wouldn't be another opportunity so I think I was safe.  

During the drive I kept my verbal filter in place, which is good. I needed to. I wanted to share some things... things that were inappropriate but I held my tongue. I'm honestly impressed with myself. There were two moments I literally had to bite my lips together. I sometimes wonder if Obsession told his wife that we were riding down together. People at work seemed surprised. So it's not the typical situation. Is that weird to ask? 

The ride itself was pleasant. Conversation always flows easily between us. I took a few moments to just enjoy being able to look at him while he drove. I looked at my hands when I was tempted to say something I probably shouldn't. There was one point the conversation took a negative turn towards Husband Creature and I made sure to express the benefits even amidst the struggles. Obsession was stating he was surprised we didn't get into more fights because my Husband Creature doesn't like helping out more. Obsession said if he was able to be home as much as him he'd have the house spotless and the yard gorgeous. But instead of agreeing and holding onto that resentment of my Husband Creature I shared the benefits of having someone home to help out with our Stinker Creature. I never have to worry about Stinker Creature being looked after or picked up from school, etc. 

Obsession has been very social with me since. Inviting me to come into his office and shut the door to share something at work I was struggling with. Teasing me. Coming to me and asking for my help. The part that surprised me is he actually texted me and asked if I had any videos or photos of the event. I sent him what I had, I honestly didn't think to video him the whole time. I did at the very end because I really like his voice and wanted something with that. I wish I had thought to video him throughout the presentation. (If he asked for photos and videos then his wife had to know I was there with him.) I didn't expect to see him today but he ended up being asked to come in. He came to me quite a bit for things being playful in the process. 

Stopping by my desk

Obsession doesn't typically stop by my desk... But today... He did. And the joy he brought me in just that short timeframe... His bright eyes, his smiles! We were talking about my interview down at his old office and he was complimentary when we talked about how my first interview with this job was only 5 minutes and I got the job. He said "They must have liked your smile." :) *sigh* 

I confirmed we're on for that work event next week. I asked if he had a game plan. He still wants me to ride down with him. *Eek!* We don't have to leave as early as we originally thought. I'm excited for the time to chat. I'm also nervous about keeping myself in check... Part of me really wants to be open and honest, the other part is like "keep your damn mouth shut!" lol We'll see which side wins out. Probably the over-sharer side of me. Either way we'll be done around noon and drive back. So I'm going to for sure be done in time to go get my son from school on his birthday!