Husband Creature

The last three weeks have been rough for my Husband Creature and I. Honestly it's caused a damper to all the amazing things going on in our lives. My hope and joy is diminished because he and I are not doing well. In fact, oddly I've wanted to avoid speaking to Obsession. Like it's opened my eyes to the fragility of marriage. Husband Creature is NOT doing well. For a while I thought it was me/us. I think with all the stress we have in our lives right now. He just doesn't have the coping skills. 

I've been struggling... Like *really* struggling. It's been so hard to be around a man who tells you that he "thinks" he loves you and "would be sad if you weren't around"... He finally stated that he loves me but isn't sure about the "in love" part. I had to remind him that love is a decision not a feeling. 

But damn... Writing it sucks. These last few weeks I've been desperate, fearful, anxious, emotional, heart-broken. But in all honesty... I think my desperation is that I want it fixed. I didn't realize it was a long term healing process. I thought we could recover quickly and got so thrown by every-other-day being a different issue or it steadily growing worse! 

I think last night I finally accepted the situation... THE WHOLE SITUATION! That I may have to live in a loveless marriage until my Husband Creature figures out what it is he needs to figure out. I didn't want to step into this new season of our lives, one that should be filled with happiness and gratitude, but rather filled with uncertainty and a lack of joy. I fought it! With everything in me. I mourned it. And after 3 weeks... I think I finally let go of it... With the help of God. I have cried out to Him off an on for the last 3 weeks. Telling Him I just couldn't do it anymore... I've been mourning "us" and wishing, hoping and expecting we'd just go back to normal. But something broke in Husband Creature. He is not the same person I've known for the last 15 years. Something broke in him. It scared the shit out of me.

But then I realized... I can't force him to do anything. I mean "duh" right? But I was desperately *WILLING* him to snap out of it and every day that he wouldn't I was even more desperate. He says he's not happy. With life or anything or anyone. Including myself and our Stinker Creature. 

I believe he officially broke sometime between Sunday night and Monday morning. Possibly sooner. I mean we've been struggling for the last couple of weeks. I think he was holding on by a thread and so was I with all the stress we've been under. But I think the part in my Husband Creature that kept him loving... just broke. And I still don't know what was the triggering force. And it's crazy to think it's only Friday. I should be willing to give him more time. But I've had my own fears and concerns at what I think was the warning signs. I misread them to be because of another woman. Now I think I was just fearful because I felt him pull away. I felt the distance and assumed it must be because of another woman. 

It's been tough. But this week I've spent a lot of ups and downs... Crying... reading the Bible... Venting to people... Venting to Husband Creature... It wasn't until last night that I realized this isn't going away overnight. It may not go away before we move into our beautiful new home... And I was upset... Angry... That I wouldn't be able to go into our new home, hand-in-hand with the love of my life... My heart broke. I cried and cried in the shower. Telling God I couldn't keep doing this, I couldn't handle it... and He said He could...

In all honesty, we still have a couple of weeks. So much has changed day by day. It just feels like AGES! It feels like where he's at will never change. But I've spent the majority of the day in God's presence. Listening to worship music, listening to The Power of a Praying Wife, listening to prayers on Youtube, reading scriptures, encouraging biblical clips... Anything to keep my mind on God and all that HE can do, and not on my circumstances. I need to be prepared that Husband Creature may take longer than I would like to come around. And who knows, God can do miracles. But I just need to accept it rather than fight it and be miserable in the process. I need to learn how to love my Husband Creature even though he's acting unloving towards me. I need to protect my heart but not close myself off to him. It's tough to balance that. And when I'm not around my Husband Creature its so much easier but when I see him after work today and the extended weekend... Ugh... I'm scared. But with God, who gives me strength... All things are possible. I can do it. I will just need to shut up and pray for the most of the weekend. I feel confident now. Let's see how I do... 

I fasted dinner last night, I fasted lunch and I'm going to try to do a 24 hour fast. I have to eat for my meds in the morning but I can skip lunch and dinner and not eat until tomorrow morning. And I may do it at least once-a-week until this situation is resolved. And in God's presence I have found joy again. Peace. Confidence in who I am as his Wife Creature. It's amazing how different I feel today from this whole week. I want to stay in His peace. Lord give me strength.