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I have no idea where to start. I guess I'll update on The Drummer.

The Drummer - We had an extremely intimate night in early February a week or so prior to his birthday with was February 13th. One where I was considering the possibility of a relationship very likely. But of course, the moment that evening/morning was over I didn't hear from him for a week.

I wasn't going to make a big deal out of his birthday. I decided to stop by the local bar he frequents because I assumed he'd be partying it up. I was right. I showed up early enough that I thought I'd give him my birthday wishes and head home. But as soon as I got there he asked me to take him home. He was beyond drunk. It was odd, he had a rough day and of course I was the person next to him so he took his frustrations out on me.

The night was not good. He was cruel, harsh and rude... Saying that he agreed we had an extremely intimate night but that's all it was. That he didn't love me, he didn't have any feelings for me. Then two hours later after sobering up a bit became horny. In the moment he started pursuing me for sex, I had enough wits to say it wasn't a good idea especially since I was the one who had my feelings involved. He then acknowledged this and yet still kept pursuing and I, of course, couldn't help myself and had sex with him.

It wasn't until the next morning that I woke up and felt completely and utterly disgusted and angry with myself and at him for taking advantage of me. I cried bitter tears. And in that moment my heart was changed.

I decided at that point I wouldn't ever put myself in that situation again. I realized I had fallen for him and needed to keep my distance. He wasn't healthy for me. I was hurt. I felt foolish. Even now, after a few weeks I can't help but shake my head at my foolishness. And for the first time since I've made the decision to stay away I feel a twinge of pain, a sting in my eyes, like I want to cry but he's not worth it. I don't even know if my tears would be for him, or more for my shame.

So as it stands I haven't contacted him since February 14th of all days. He has text me a couple times, but I think he realizes that I'm avoiding him. He hasn't even made any attempt to find out whats wrong.

I will be seeing him March 17th. So it'll be interesting to see how he relates to me. Oh I did see him the 26th. I was walking to get the mail at my work and he happened to be going to the salon where my sister works and saw me. He honked and I went over to say hi. He seemed in a weird state. I was casual and was surprised to see him but decided it's further proof I need to keep him out of my life.

I wonder at times if he's curious. Part of me knows he wonders what happened, or maybe he knows exactly what happened. I'd like to think he regrets his behavior but then again another part of me realizes that's just wishful thinking.

So moving on...

The Actor - So as I wrote the above something hit me about my behavior with The Actor. I think maybe the reason I behaved like I did was because I still feel a bit cheap about the whole situation with The Drummer. Maybe I just didn't care anymore for that timeframe.

Let me explain. The Actor came down from Oregon for a week. We set up a photoshoot to get him some updated headshots. We joked about hooking up when he was down here. And well it happened. We were shooting in Santa Monica, and he planned on coming home with me so he could see some of his old friends.

I honestly wasn't sure what to expect. I put him in my office. We took a drive and he asked me if he was in the doghouse for some reason since he wasn't spending the night in my room. I told him honestly I wasn't sure how he felt. I mean we had chemistry online and when we were shooting I didn't get any particular vibe that he was into me. He said it was because so many people were around and he had actually hoped I would be going down solo. So we talked about things, I admitted I wasn't sure where I stood yet. I was definitely tempted but that I knew he had a girlfriend and felt awkward about that.

Yes, I slept with a man that had a girlfriend. Ugh... Anyways, so we get back to my place and we're looking through his pics of the day. He starts giving me a back rub and well you can guess where that led. We made our way to my room and we had sex. I was kind of shocked with my behavior. The sex was alright, he was definitely awesome with oral. But the sex just didn't do it for me. I realized at that point that The Drummer had ruined me, for a while at least. That I would need to not have sex again for a LONG time to even somewhat enjoy it without thinking of The Drummer and my experiences.

I woke up the next morning and we both got ready for church. I felt no remorse or guilt over my actions at that point. We spent the day hanging out and only got a chance to visit one or two people. I drove him back down to his friends in Sherman Oaks and it was already arranged that I would be spending the night. Of course, he was all about having sex again. And I guess because I felt like I had already gone there why not again. Though this time wasn't as good. In fact, he was a bit of a selfish bastard and didn't even make sure I was taken care of.

I confronted him on this and he at first was very surprised and even called me high maintenance to which I laughed and said how is it high maintenance to expect to orgasm? I asked if it was his practice to sleep with women and not care whether or not they had experienced an orgasm. I told him I knew what this was, that I wasn't expected that he care about me like a girlfriend but to at least care enough that I would cum too. He felt like crap I could tell. He said he would try and I laughed and told him there was no way I was in the mood now. Though I was proud of myself for calling him out on his shit. And if other women have experienced it, I don't think he's ever been called out on it.

We ended on a good note. I was pleasantly surprised. No I did not do anything more sexually with him other then a nice kiss goodbye in the morning. We text a few more times while he was down here in California but I haven't heard from him since he went home. I see he cleaned up his facebook which seems a bit odd to me. But I'm curious to how our friendship is going to be after this.

The Setup - I'm half tempted to call him The One... But I know that's silly and childish. It's been a rough couple of weeks. Emotionally dealing with my behavior and the realization of my behavior sinking in. I have since rededicated myself to purity. The fact that I was so callused when having sex with The Actor, it freaked me out. I really had to dig deep to feel any kind of remorse for my actions and that's even worse. That's why when I was writing the above about The Drummer and realized I felt a sting of tears coming on, I think it hit me then that I really was impacted by how pathetic I felt that night with him.

So I've been a fool. I have officially slept with 4 men in my life. Two within two weeks of eachother and that makes me feel disgusting. And worse yet, I now get to start talking about The Setup.

He's someone a friend has been trying to hook me up with for the last two years. He's really shy and well I guess two years ago, right when she was going to give him my information he started seeing someone. Well about a month and a half ago she's been bringing me up again. She gave him my number, gave me his number and asked if I'd be cool with him texting me first till he feels more comfortable. I said that was fine but he didn't like that. He decided to wait to meet in person and said he'd come to a worship concert at my church to meet me. I wasn't able to make it to the February one, so we me this last sunday for the first time.

I feel silly because there was a moment early on where I eyes locked and it felt like everything else went away. Normally I can't deal with eye contact that intense and turn away. But there was something about this that I couldn't help myself.

He's very attractive. He's tall and skinny like I like em. He seemed to have an immediate attraction to me as well. I was busy helping to set up and I would look up to catch him staring. We talked with ease. He's an interesting person. He's been raised in a Christian home just like me.

It wasn't until my best friend came up to me and mentioned The Actor's name that I suddenly was hit with an overwhelming sense of unworthiness. Like he was too good for me. Here I was sleeping around with guys in steady relationships and he's being a good Christian guy. How could he possibly like me. I know that in itself is cliche and I did my best to fight the lie.

I was very interested by the end of the night. He asked me if I'd like to go out for coffee sometime and I said absolutely. I asked if he had my number and he told me he got it from Rashaell and mumbled something about not having his phone with him. We said our goodbyes, and he went over to our mutual friend to say goodnight. Apparently when he did he thanked her with excitement and she felt that was his way of letting her know he was very happy he had agreed to let us meet.

So I woke up this morning immediately thinking about the gaze. The moment we were staring into each other's eyes and everything else slipped away for a few moments. I then let my mind wonder... I could see myself in a relationship with him. A comfortable, casual but committed relationship.

I feel silly. Why am I thinking this? Is it because this is the first Christian, good looking, single guy I've met in like forever? Or is this because this could be something? I guess we'll have to wait and see. I've been praying and trying to hand it over to God.

But writing this post has made me doubt that God could bless me after my behavior for the last few months. Yes, I've asked for genuine forgiveness. Have made the commitment to purity. I've even been wearing a ring on my ring finger as a symbol to remind me of that commitment. Now meeting The Setup... I am more determined then ever to keep my purity intact from this point forward.

Junior - Ironic that Junior would text me today and tell me he was jealous of The Setup. He was at the worship concert and knew I was being setup and when he saw the guy and saw how interested I was, he felt jealous. I laughed because he and I haven't talked much lately, he seems majorly committed to his girlfriend the last few months. We haven't done much flirting at all till today. But I feel right now especially I need to be cautious of temptation. The enemy doesn't want me to succeed now that I've made a serious committment. He will try to throw things at me. I need to stand my ground.

Well it's late and I'm zoning. I should probably get to sleep. Hopefully my next post will be more positive and I'll have heard from the Setup! :)